Stage 17: Gap to Pinerolo

Today the Tour is riding through the Alps, and passing into Italy. Belle et Bonne and Marie have hired a motor bike and a movie camera and are following the riders on the road. The first rider they catch up with is Sweezus.

Marie: Hi Sweezus! Looking good! Are you feeling better today?

Sweezus: Whoah! What are you two doing here? You aren't allowed to ride beside the peloton!

Belle et Bonne: Too bad, because we are. Would you like a Power Bar, Sweezus dear?

Sweezus: Thanks Belle. And yes, I'm feeling a lot better today although I've still got the runs. It was bad luck about that Duck a la Limoux. But do you know what Gustave is saying?

Belle et Bonne: No. What is he saying?

Sweezus: He reckons Violetta is at the bottom of it. He thinks that she somehow poisoned the Duck in order to give him and Gaius the runs so that they would ride faster.

Marie: Oh that's hilarious! Why would she poison herself as well?

Sweezus: Gustave thinks she's capable of anything.

Belle et Bonne: Well, that lets us off the hook then. But we're sorry, Sweezie darling. And about letting everyone drink too much as well.

Sweezus: Don't worry, Farky and I didn't drink too much. Farky didn't drink anything but water. By the way, Farky's made friends with Alberto Contador's dog at last. Could be handy. Well, better get my skates on. Bye girls, and thanks for the Power Bar!

Sweezus put his head down and started pedalling. Belle et Bonne and Marie zoomed up the road and soon drew alongside The VeloDrone and Le Bon David, who were pedalling furiously uphill.

The VeloDrone: Marie! Belle et Bonne! What are you doing on that motor bike?

Marie: Filming you! Smile!

Le Bon David: You naughty girls. As if you haven't caused enough trouble already.

Belle et Bonne: It wasn't us, it was Violetta.

Le Bon David: What was? Has there been another graffiti incident?

The VeloDrone: Another! Has there been one?

Le Bon David: I thought someone sploshed a blob of paint on the Virgin's nose back at Lourdes?

Belle et Bonne: That was just a rumour. Hey guess what we just heard? Farky has made friends with Alberto Contador's dog!

The VeloDrone: Brilliant! At last! We'll get some inside information on his race plan. Now girls, make yourselves useful!

Marie: How?

The VeloDrone: Give us a tow up this hill.

Belle et Bonne: Papa!

Stage 6: Dinan to Lisieux

It was a long and sometimes wet ride from Dinan to Lisieux. Violetta was near the front, hoping to win points in the mid-race sprint. Gustave and Gaius were riding some distance behind.

Gaius: So you say she's brought her paints?

Gustave: Unfortunately, yes.

Gaius: Oh dear. From now on I shall be checking every chateau wall for SPLOSH!es.

Gustave: SPLOSH!es! Good one.

........

Meanwhile, Farky was recalling his dinner with Cadel Evans' dachshund, Molly, the night before. He thought it had been going rather well:

Molly: Thanks for inviting me, Farky. Most other dogs are too scared.

Farky: Why?

Molly: Because of Cadel. Remember 2008?

Farky: No, what happened?

Molly: At the end of the race, journalists were getting too close to us, and Cadel growled at them: Don't step on my dog, or I'll cut off your head.

Farky: Woooh! Extreme!

Molly: You know Cadel. It was a joke really. Or it became joke in retrospect. Cadel even got some 'Don't step on my dog' tee shirts made, and sold them online.

Farky: Leaving out the bit about cutting off heads.

Molly: Wisely, don't you think? Who would want to wear them if they said that?

Farky: I don't know. I bet some people would.

Molly: Thirteen year old boys, for example?

Farky: Why do you say that?

And Molly had then told him something that made his toes curl.

Stage Five: Carhaix to Cap Frehel

Stage Five from Carhaix to Cap Frehel is being dogged by a series of crashes, but Gustave and Violetta are safe at the rear of the peloton. Gustave is ticking off Violetta.

Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?

Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.

Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.

Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.

Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.

........

Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.

Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!

The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.

Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....

The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.

Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.

Farky: What dog situation?

Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?

Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.

Le Bon David: Oh good man!

Farky: Watch it!

Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne

Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?

Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.

Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.

Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.

Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.

........

Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.

The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?

Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.

The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?

Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.

Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?

The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.

Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?

The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?

Stage 3: Olonne-sur-Mer to Redon

And so it was that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious formed a team of seven riders, and participated in the Team Time Trials. The all-important fifth rider was:

Gaius! With a time of thirty minutes exactly.

How proud he was.

........

The following day, Sweezus and Violetta were riding together at the back of the main peloton, somewhere between Olonne-sur-Mer and Redon.

Violetta: Can I ask you a question?

Sweezus: What is it?

Violetta: Why did you stop on the Passage du Gois the other day and go for a swim? Was it a hare and tortoise thing?

Sweezus: Hare and tortoise! What d'you mean? Oh you mean, was I showing off?

Violetta: Yes, were you showing off?

Sweezus: No I was overwhelmed by a memory, and had to stop. Riding along the Passage du Gois reminded me of last Easter, and a cycling holiday with Marie and Belle et Bonne. I took too much chocolate along.

Violetta: Tell me about it!

Sweezus: Well, I thought they would eat some,, but they wouldn't. So I....

Violetta: I didn't mean tell me about it. I meant I know all too well about TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE.

Sweezus: Ah.

Violetta: You're sweet.

Sweezus: Can I ask you a question?

Violetta: Sure, fire away.

Sweezus: What's in your bag?

Violetta: Paints

Sweezus: Paints?

Violetta: Our secret weapon.

Sweezus: It's good to have a secret weapon. Our secret weapon is Farky.

Violetta: We're in the same team now. Tell me about Farky.

Sweezus was just about to, when he realised that others were listening.

Stage 2 - Les Essarts to Les Essarts

Why was Alberto Contador grinning yesterday, as he passed Team Philosophe? Was it because he had passed Team Philosophe?

That is not very likely.

Was it because he had spied Farky's customised panda racing hat?

That is a little more likely.

Was it because he has seen his most feared rival Sweezus bobbing around in the sea back at the Passage du Gois?

That is even more likely.

Or was it because he was unaware that soon he would be involved in a pileup that would lose him well over a minute at the end of the day?

He stopped smiling after that.

.....

It was day two of the Tour. The Team Time Trials. Team Philosophe was in a pickle.

The VeloDrone: What can we do? We have only four riders and it's the fifth rider's time that counts.

Le Bon David: What we usually do. Join up with someone.

Sweezus: If only Marie and Belle et Bonne were here.

Farky: But we don't need them. Let's ask Team Bumptious. They're in the same boat.

So they asked Gustave if Team Bumptious would consider teaming up for the time trials. Gustave conferred with his team.

Gustave: Well what do you say?

Gaius: I say let's do it.

Violetta: I say so too. That Sweezus is hot.

Gustave: No he isn't. Did you hear what he did yesterday? He stopped riding and went for a swim.

Violetta: So romantic!

Gaius: Tch!

Only in Spain

You don't know who Lance Armstrong is? said Gustave, astonished.

Of course I do, replied Violetta. I merely meant to indicate that he is of no importance now. Our main rival in the Tour de France will be Alberto Contador.

True, said Gustave. I hear he is a little worried about the competition.

He should be, said Violetta. Not only because we are in it, but I believe that Team Philosophe is very strong this year.

I've heard the same, said Gaius. Very strong. They have a wonder dog, and a dark horse called Sweezus.

A dog and a horse! said Violetta. Bizarre!

He's not actually a horse, said Gaius.

........

Alberto Contador WAS worried by this year's competition. He had heard some alarming things about Team Philosophe. He mentioned his fears to his manager.

Alberto Contador: What is this I'm hearing about Team Philosophe? They are having a dog as a rider. Surely that is not allowed!

His Manager: Normally no. But they have produced a special permit signed by Nicolas Sarcozy. These French they stick together.

Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! And what if I was to wish to join my own personal dog to my team Saxobank Sungard? I think this would not be allowed, no way!

His Manager: It is not the dog you have to fear so much as this Sweezus.

Alberto Contador: Who is he this Sweezus?

His Manager: I hesitate to tell you.

Alberto Contador: Tell me nevertheless.

His Manager: His real name is Jesus. Sweezus is his Twitter name.

Alberto Contador: So what? Many men are called Jesus.

His Manager: Only in Spain, Alberto. Only in Spain.

Passage du Gois

Gustave is explaining the Passage du Gois to Gaius and Violetta.

It's a narrow passage between the mainland and the island of Noirmoutier. Twice a day it becomes flooded by the tide, he says.

Gaius' eyes open wide.

And we have to ride over it? I hope they have the timing right, he says.

Oh, if the tide is coming in, that makes it all the more fun, says Gustave. People drive over it in their cars all the time. There are foot races over the Passage too, beginning as the tide is receding. The runners start off running through the lapping waves.

This is crazy , says Violetta. I don't like it at all.

Don't worry, I'm sure it won't be like 1999, says Gustave.

What happened in 1999? asks Gaius.

A massive pileup of riders on the causeway, says Gustave. It created a six minute split in the peloton, dashing the hopes of some of the favourites.

Really? says Violetta. Who won?

Lance Armstrong, says Gustave.

Who? says Violetta.

Easy Beats

Gustave was not without influence in Paris. In a matter of hours Team Bumptious found itself booked on a flight to France, flying business class, with their bicycles professionally packed.

Now Violetta, said Gustave. I trust you will not be bringing your paints.

Yes, said Violetta.

Gustave left it at that.

The VeloDrone too was not without influence. He had secured a free flight for Team Philosophe including four bicycles on the same plane as Team Bumptious.

There was a tricky moment at the boarding gate when it was noticed that one of the team members was a dog.

May I see your ticket? asked the flight attendant.

Certainly, said Farky, showing his ticket, and a letter from Nicholas Sarkozy.

Welcome aboard, Mr MacTaggart, said the flight attendant. I hope you enjoy your flight.

Look over there, whispered Sweezus. Who's that?

Where? said Farky, looking around.

There, said Sweezus. Fat man with the mo, with the skinny guy in the toga and the woman with the massive bag.

I know who that is, said Le Bon David. That's Gustave Flaubert, the well-known writer. And that's his team, Team Bumptious. They're riding in the Tour.

They look like easy beats, said Sweezus.

Don't underestimate them, said The VeloDrone.

More Pressing Things

Over coffee, the conversation turned again to matters of art.

I don't believe, Violetta, said Gustave, that you really think street art is more important than photography.

Street art is real, said Violetta.

So is a photograph, said Gustave.

Hah! said Violetta. What about the one I tagged, of people wearing rabbits' heads, picnicking on the rocks. Or were they goats' heads? I can't remember.

Ah yes, said Gaius.

Ah yes what? said Violetta. Ah yes that wasn't very real?

Ah yes I think there were two photographs side by side, said Gaius. One where the people were wearing rabbits' heads and one where they were wearing goats' heads.

Ah yes, said Gustave,

You two are far too complacent, said Violetta. I still think it's only real things that matter.

Like tagging a photograph with someone else's name? said Gustave.

Pphhhttt! said Violetta. Anyway, we have more pressing things to worry about. I mean the Tour de France. Do you guys realise that the Grand Depart is this coming Saturday? We have to figure out how to get ourselves to the Passage du Gois in the Vendee.

Great Jupiter! said Gaius.

Merde! said Gustave. We must start to make arrangements at once!

A Strict Code of Conduct

They made it back to Norwood in record time.

Phewww! said Gustave. That was close!

I've never pedalled so fast in my life, puffed Gaius.

Exactly! said Violetta. See what you can do when you try.

You mean, when we're implicated in a criminal act, said Gustave, sourly.

Ah, but that's just it, said Violetta. You havn't committed a crime, and nor have I.

You lied? sad Gaius, amazed. You didn't tag the street art downstairs in the gallery?

No, what do you take me for? said Violetta. We street artists have a strict code of conduct, you know.

Wait a minute, what about that GUS! tag you scrawled all over the picnicking rabbits, (or goats)? asked Gustave.

Pooh! said Violetta. Photography is not as important as street art. Anyway it'll wipe off easily. And nobody knows who GUS! is anyway. Aren't you pleased to know how fast Team Bumptious can ride, when the pressure's on ?

I suppose so, said Gustave.

Yes, I suppose so too, agreed Gaius. Shall we have a coffee? We deserve one.

Alright, said Violetta. Who's paying?

Me, said Gaius. I'm enjoying today.

Interruption

Gustave and Gaius were upstairs looking at a collection of works by young German and Australian photographers.

This is better, said Gaius. Nice photographs in frames on walls. Too tame for SPLOSH! no doubt.

Who would have thought? said Gustave.

Thought what? said Gaius.

That Violetta would turn out to be a crazy street artist, said Gustave. She's certainly not the courtesan I thought she was.

You thought she was a courtesan? said Gaius.

I did, at first, said Gustave. Violetta the beautiful but doomed courtesan from Verdi's La Traviata.

A fictional character? Gaius looked sceptical.

Yes, a fantasy, admitted Gustave. Which turned into a nightmare, he added. How are we going to get rid of her?

We don't have to get rid of her, said Gaius. She's a very fast rider. She'll be an asset to Team Bumptious.

Hmm, sighed Gustave. She doesn't strike me as a team player.

He began to look at the photographs, idly.

What are we supposed to make of these? he asked Gaius.

We're supposed to be asking ourselves what they are telling us, said Gaius. For example, the choice of subjects, and points of view. And are they different for the Germans and the Australians? And if so why? And in what way?

Well, said Gustave. Let's see. The Germans like taking pictures of customs check points, and derelict camp sites and girls with bandages over their noses, while the Australians like taking pictures of anorexic girls and picnicking rabbits or, wait a minute, are they goats?

Gaius was just about to take a closer look when SPLOSH! burst out of the lift and ran towards them gesticulating wildly.

Quick, you guys! she cried. We've got to get out of here pronto!

SPLOSH

Gaius and Gustave were looking forward to Violetta's picnic. They wondered what sort of food she would have in her basket. Would it be ham and cheese sandwiches, mandarins, lemon squash? Would it be pate de fois gras, baguettes, cold chicken, champagne?

They stopped at a bench under a tree in the Botanical Gardens. Violetta lifted the lid of her wicker basket.

Inside was an assortment of spray paint cans, stencils and marker pens, and three black woolly balaclavas.

Where's the food? asked Gaius?

Team Bumptious has no need of food, said Violetta. I'm going to introduce you to the thrilling and subversive art of speed graffiti, using stencils. My street name is SPLOSH! I'm sure you'll have heard of me.

No, we haven't said Gustave. And there will be no speed graffiti using stencils until we've had lunch.

Hear hear, said Gaius. And maybe not then.

Come on boys, said SPLOSH!, persuasively. Graffiti is the best. Its a rush. It's the shit.

No, said Gaius. I disapprove of the defacing of public property. And so does Gustave.

Not entirely, said Gustave. Being a novelist, my opinion varies with my point of view.

That's what I like to hear, said SPLOSH! Right, boys. We WILL get some lunch. That'll put you in a better mood. Then I'll take you up the road to the Samstag Museum, to look at the May Lane Street Art Project travelling graffiti exhibition.

Good, said Gustave. I mean, lunch is good. Are you paying?

SPLOSH! never pays, said Violetta. Now, where are you taking us?

The Delights of Cycling

My fault? said Gaius. What is my fault?

Talking about the music hall Violetta, with no arms and legs. No wonder she legged it.

Yes that was unfortunate, said Gaius.

It was! said Gustave, crossly. You have spoiled my intrigue with Violetta. She had suggested some sort of combination.

Nonsense, said Gaius. She merely wants to ride with us tomorrow and then show us something interesting. I wonder what it can be?

If she turns up in lycra, I know what it will be, said Gustave.

Tch!, said Gaius.

The next morning they met at Cibo's in Norwood. Violetta was wearing baggy shorts, and a loose fitting sweater, and wheeling a bicycle.

Is that your bicycle? asked Gustave.

Yes, is there something wrong with it? asked Violetta.

No, no, said Gustave. Only it isn't exactly a racing bicycle.

Don't you worry about that, said Violetta. I ride fast. And wait till you see what's in my wicker basket.

What? asked Gaius.

Later, said Violetta.

They drank their coffees and set off down The Parade, Gaius and Gustave trying hard to keep up with Violetta, who soon disappeared out of sight.

We've lost her, puffed Gaius. Now we'll never know what was in her wicker basket.

I'm beginning not to care, said Gustave, breathing hard.

Just then Violetta appeared, looking stern.

Just as I thought, she said. You two are not serious. Let us repair to a park bench and start on my picnic. After that, we are going to look at some graffiti!

Picnic! cried Gaius. How civilised !

Graffiti! said Gustave. How.....random.

Not THAT Violetta

Combine the two? Gustave wondered what Violetta meant. He motioned Gaius to come over.

This is Gaius, he said to Violetta. And this is Violetta.

THE Violetta? asked Gaius.

Which one? asked Violetta.

Don't you know? asked Gaius, confused.

Of course I know, said Violetta. But I don't know if YOU know.

Well, said Gaius. My guess is you are not the famous Violetta with no arms and no legs, who worked in the music halls.

Because I have arms and legs, said Violetta?

No, because you are too plump, said Gaius.

Then, realising his mistake, he added, But you do have arms and legs.

And then, because he felt he had not yet put things right, he said, And you are not so very plump.

Well said, old friend, interrupted Gustave. But before you dig yourself any further into that hole, I should tell you Violetta is the newest member of Team Bumptious and will be joining us in our training regime tomorrow morning.

Very good, approved Gaius. So let us all now go home for an early night.

Gustave looked at Violetta.

Good idea, said Violetta. I'll meet you at Cibo's in Norwood at 8am, for coffee. Then, after we've ridden around for a bit, I promise to show you both something interesting. Good night, boys! See you in the morning.

She stood up and left the bar.

Gustave looked at Gaius.

That was your fault, he said.

Team Bumptious

Team Bumptious, I like it, said Gustave. Aggression, self aggrandisement, thrills and spills.

Thrills and spills, said Gaius. I don't know about that.

Bumps! said Gustave. Bumptious. Word play, don't you see?

Hmm, said Gaius. I have no intention of bumping into anyone, or falling off my bicycle. But Team Bumptious it shall be. Now we ought to go home and get an early night, so we can start practicing first thing in the morning.

No, no, said Gustave. Since this is our last night before we begin a strict training regime, I vote we make a night of it. Would you like another glass of red? And look, there's our plump lady sitting over there by herself.

He went over to reintroduce himself to the plump lady.

Hello again, he said, I believe we sat together at table 26.

Yes I remember, said the plump lady, what do you want?

To join you, said Gustave, with a twirl of his walrus moustache.

Why, am I coming apart? said the lady.

Ha ha, laughed Gustave. A sense of humour. I like that in a woman. I am Gustave Flaubert. And my friend over there is Gaius Plinius Secundus, he added, waving a finger vaguely in Gaius's direction.

My name is Violetta, said the lady. Are you THE Gustave Flaubert? And is your friend THE Gaius Plinius Secundus?

We are, said Gustave. And are you THE Violetta?

That depends on who you think THE Violetta is, said the lady. I like to think so. And I rather think that we three are going to be friends. What are you both doing tomorrow?

Unfortunately, we are beginning a strict cycling regime so our team will be ready for the Tour De France in July, said Gustave.

Oh! Would you like another member? asked Violetta. I could do with some exercise.

That is not quite what I had in mind, said Gustave.

It's not quite what I had in mind either, said Violetta. But perhaps we can combine the two.