Rest Day: Picnic with Professor Freud

It is the second rest day of the Tour. Team Philosophe, Team Bumptious, Belle et Bonne, Marie and Professor Freud have spread their picnic in a field of flowers outside Montpellier. All except Farky have already tossed down a few glasses of Blanquette de Limoux. Professor Freud is explaining the psychology of Yukio Mishima to anyone who cares to listen.

Professor Freud: Of course, it was all because his grandmother, a woman prone to morbid and violent outbursts, took him away from his family at a very young age, kept him out of the sunlight and only allowed him to play with his girl cousins and their dolls.

Belle et Bonne: You don't say! Here Professor, have a pebradou.

Professor Freud: Thank you my dear. What is this again? A stuffed bun?

Marie: No that's not the stuffed bun. That comes later. This is an aperitif cake. Have a splash more of Blanquette to go with it.

Le Bon David: I'll have more too, Marie. It's a jolly good drop.

Sweezus: This is brilliant! What a day! What a picnic! What's this yellow meat?

Farky: I already asked. It's Duck a la Limoux. Duck with saffron and garlic. Yucky duck.

Sweezus: But I thought you liked duck. Is it the garlic? You can eat a mint afterwards.

Gustave: Yes Farky, a mint will get rid of garlic breath.

Gaius: Yes it will, it's been a tried and true method since Roman times.

Farky: I know you humans think so, but it doesn't work for dogs. In fact, let me tell you something, it doesn't work that well for humans either....

Professor Freud: ....and then, when he went back to live with his family, his father, a strict military disciplinarian, used to hold him up to speeding trains, and raid his room to search for poetry. A classic case.....

Violetta: A classic case of what, Professor?

Professor Freud: Of someone who becomes fascinated by death of course.

Violetta: Who are we talking about?

The VeloDrone: Molly is it? The dachshund. May I try that Cremant, Belle dear?

Le Bon David: Me too, while you've got the bottle there, Belle.

Belle et Bonne: Molly isn't fascinated by death. She just got confused by the authorial voice.

Farky: Is that what it was? Did you and Marie think the same?

Violetta: The same as what?

Farky: That the text was written by a madman.

Violetta: I have to read this book.

Marie: We thought that it would have been best not to know anything at all about the author, either before or after reading it.

Violetta: Well, thank you Professor.

Professor Freud: What have I done? And when are we having this stuffed bun?

Stage 10: Aurillac to Carmaux

Farky, who had drunk water at the picnic, was riding up near the front of the peloton. The others were feeling a little under the weather, and kept towards the back.

Sweezus: What are Belle et Bonne and Marie doing today?

The VeloDrone: They're looking for a bookshop. They want to buy a copy of The Sailor Who Fell from Grace With the Sea.

Violetta: Sheesh! I wouldn't want to read it. Farky hasn't exactly been talking it up.

Sweezus: Yeah, funny isn't it. He keeps saying 'it gets worse'.

Le Bon David: I gather he means it gets worse for Molly. Poor Molly. She should never have googled the author.

Gustave: Yes, I agree. The story is gruesome enough, but what happened to the author was worse.

Violetta: You mean, when his friend failed to cut off his head? So another friend had to do it. And then the first friend had to do seppuku too.

Gaius: What's so terrible about that? We Romans....

Gustave: Button up Gaius! No, it was worse than that.

Sweezus: Now you sound like Farky.

Gustave: Well it was. Worse for Molly.

Le Bon David: Absolutely. When she read about Yukio Mishima's childhood.....

Sweezus: Yeah.

Just then Farky appeared, dropping back to ride with them.

Farky: Burrrp! Oooh! Pardon! What was in that aligot stuff we ate yesterday?

Violetta: Just Chantal cheese, mashed potato and garlic.

Farky: Yikes! Garlic! Molly hates garlic. I'm done for!

Stage 8: Aigurande to Super-Besse Sancy

Sweezus, Farky and Violetta are right up at the front of the main peloton, immediately behind the riders of Team BMC, hoping to hear something useful. What is Cadel Evans' race plan? Perhaps someone will let something slip.

Sweezus: So Cavendish's dog is dead?

Farky: I thought everyone knew.

Violetta: I didn't. Poor Mark Cavendish. Poor doggy.

Farky: It died last week. Cavendish was upset. He dedicated his Stage 5 win to his dead dog.

Sweezus: What kind of dog was it?

Farky: A poorly old Golden Retriever.

Violetta: Ahh!

Sweezus: Well that's that then. You'll have to concentrate on Molly.

Farky: Shut up! They might hear you!

Sweezus: Cripes! I'm such a dill.

....

Meanwhile, Gustave, Gaius, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were lagging at the back of the race.

The VeloDrone: Young Farky is coming in useful.

Gaius: How's that?

The VeloDrone: He's made friends with Evans's dog.

Gustave: I don't hold with that kind of thing.

Le Bon David: What kind of thing?

Gustave: Secrets, false friendships, betrayals, that sort of thing.

Le Bon David: Harmless fun, Gustave, that's all. It's not as if we're expecting to win.

Gustave: And you call yourself a philosopher.

Stage 7: Le Mans to Chateauroux

It was windy and slow on the way from Le Mans to Chateauroux. They passed wheatfields and sunflowers, and rode through grey towns. Farky caught up to Sweezus.

Sweezus: Hey,Farky! You look grim.

Farky: I keep thinking about what Molly told me.

Sweezus: What did she tell you? Tell me.

Farky: She's reading a book called The Sailor Who Fell from Grace wth the Sea. This gang of very smart thirteen year old boys hate dads and their leader talks them into killing the new dad of one of the boys.

Sweezus: That doesn't sound like suitable reading for a dachshund.

Farky: First they ritually kill a kitten.

Sweezus: Shit! Is this book Japanese?

Farky: How did you know?

Sweezus: I think I've read it. It's very disturbing.

Farky: It disturbed Molly. She's up to the final chapter. She knows what's going to happen because of the kitten and she doesn't know whether to read it.

Sweezus: Tell her to read it. It's not quite as bad as she thinks.

Farky: Alright. But poor Molly. It's upsetting her ideas about literature.

Sweezus: How is that bad?

Farky: You're right. How is that bad?

Sweezus: By the way, looks like today's going to be another victory for Mark Cavendish. Does he have a dog?

Farky: He does, but it's dead.

Stage 6: Dinan to Lisieux

It was a long and sometimes wet ride from Dinan to Lisieux. Violetta was near the front, hoping to win points in the mid-race sprint. Gustave and Gaius were riding some distance behind.

Gaius: So you say she's brought her paints?

Gustave: Unfortunately, yes.

Gaius: Oh dear. From now on I shall be checking every chateau wall for SPLOSH!es.

Gustave: SPLOSH!es! Good one.

........

Meanwhile, Farky was recalling his dinner with Cadel Evans' dachshund, Molly, the night before. He thought it had been going rather well:

Molly: Thanks for inviting me, Farky. Most other dogs are too scared.

Farky: Why?

Molly: Because of Cadel. Remember 2008?

Farky: No, what happened?

Molly: At the end of the race, journalists were getting too close to us, and Cadel growled at them: Don't step on my dog, or I'll cut off your head.

Farky: Woooh! Extreme!

Molly: You know Cadel. It was a joke really. Or it became joke in retrospect. Cadel even got some 'Don't step on my dog' tee shirts made, and sold them online.

Farky: Leaving out the bit about cutting off heads.

Molly: Wisely, don't you think? Who would want to wear them if they said that?

Farky: I don't know. I bet some people would.

Molly: Thirteen year old boys, for example?

Farky: Why do you say that?

And Molly had then told him something that made his toes curl.

Stage Five: Carhaix to Cap Frehel

Stage Five from Carhaix to Cap Frehel is being dogged by a series of crashes, but Gustave and Violetta are safe at the rear of the peloton. Gustave is ticking off Violetta.

Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?

Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.

Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.

Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.

Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.

........

Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.

Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!

The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.

Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....

The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.

Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.

Farky: What dog situation?

Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?

Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.

Le Bon David: Oh good man!

Farky: Watch it!

Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne

Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?

Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.

Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.

Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.

Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.

........

Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.

The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?

Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.

The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?

Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.

Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?

The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.

Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?

The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?