Stage 12: Cugnaux to Luz-Ardiden

The Tour has now reached the Pyrenees. Gustave and Gaius are toiling up the Col du Tourmalet, cursing the day they were born.

Gustave: Uh huh, uh huh, uuuuh, this is killing me!

Gaius: Courage my friend! It's killing me too.

Gustave: I don't have the legs!

Gaius: Think of France! Neither do I.

Gustave: My poor friend! Think of ancient Rome!

Gaius: I do! There were no bicycles then.

Gustave: Where is Violetta?

Gaius: Up the front somewhere. No one can say she hasn't the legs.

Gustave: She is like a machine, that woman. If only we could trust her....

Gaius: But we can't. You know the gendarmes are asking questions about you?

Gustave: Merde! About me?

......

Meanwhile, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are even further behind, having decided to walk their bicycles up the Col.

The VeloDrone: After all, what does it matter? We don't want to kill ourselves.

Le Bon David: True, true. We don't want to die.

The VeloDrone: Not today, anyway.

Le Bon David: Ha ha! Naturally, I meant not today. But I can't help thinking about that Japanese chappie.

The VeloDrone: Yukio Mishima?

Le Bon David: Yes, him, and his seppuku.

The VeloDrone: But of course, with a grandmother like that, not allowing him sunlight....

Le Bon David: And a father like that, holding him up to speeding trains....

The VeloDrone: It's a wonder he achieved anything at all. And yet, he was undoubtedly a brilliant novelist.

Le Bon David: And how are the girls enjoying the book?

The VeloDrone: Belle et Bonne nearly gave up at the disembowelling of the kitten, but Marie persuaded her to go on.

Le Bon David: Good, good. By the way, I'm starving. Is there anything to nibble?

The VeloDrone: Let me see. Here, let's go halves in a Kit Kat.

Stage 7: Le Mans to Chateauroux

It was windy and slow on the way from Le Mans to Chateauroux. They passed wheatfields and sunflowers, and rode through grey towns. Farky caught up to Sweezus.

Sweezus: Hey,Farky! You look grim.

Farky: I keep thinking about what Molly told me.

Sweezus: What did she tell you? Tell me.

Farky: She's reading a book called The Sailor Who Fell from Grace wth the Sea. This gang of very smart thirteen year old boys hate dads and their leader talks them into killing the new dad of one of the boys.

Sweezus: That doesn't sound like suitable reading for a dachshund.

Farky: First they ritually kill a kitten.

Sweezus: Shit! Is this book Japanese?

Farky: How did you know?

Sweezus: I think I've read it. It's very disturbing.

Farky: It disturbed Molly. She's up to the final chapter. She knows what's going to happen because of the kitten and she doesn't know whether to read it.

Sweezus: Tell her to read it. It's not quite as bad as she thinks.

Farky: Alright. But poor Molly. It's upsetting her ideas about literature.

Sweezus: How is that bad?

Farky: You're right. How is that bad?

Sweezus: By the way, looks like today's going to be another victory for Mark Cavendish. Does he have a dog?

Farky: He does, but it's dead.