Stage 14: Saint-Gaudens to Plateau de Beille

There are six tough climbs in the Stage today, but at least two members of Team Bumptious have already exhausted themselves on the route to Lourdes, the day before.

Violetta: Come on guys, it was just a joke!

Gustave: It was no joke Violetta. The gendarmes were on our tail.

Gaius: Yes, and that wasn't all. We had to catch you up to try and prevent you from sploshing the shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes.

Violetta: Ha ha! As if I would really do that! But it made you go faster, yes?

Gustave: It did! But now look at us.

Violetta: Pooh! What slugs you two are!

She pedalled away.

Gaius: So, she wouldn't have done it.

Gustave: Maybe she wouldn't. But she must have already done something, since the gendarmes are after us.

Gaius: Yes, that's true. I wonder why they haven't caught up to us yet?

.......

Meanwhile Violetta had caught up to Sweezus and Farky, on the Col de Latrape.

Sweezus: Hi Violetta! Congratulations for yesterday! Where are the others?

Violetta: They've slowed down again. I'll have to come up with something else to get them moving. How are you two doing?

Farky: Wuh! Bike racing is hard for dogs.

Sweezus: It's hard for me too.

Violetta: It's meant to be hard. What's the matter with everyone?

Sweezus: Oh, I don't know. I'm not doing as well as I hoped. I wanted to win a stage, and I haven't even come close.

Violetta: It's not over yet. I didn't know you wanted to win a stage though. I thought you were just here to support The VeloDrone.

Sweezus: Oh that too. But I would like to make my mark in the world.

Violetta: I can help you there!

Sweezus: Really?

Farky: Don't listen to her!

Violetta: Why does nobody trust me?

Stage 12: Cugnaux to Luz-Ardiden

The Tour has now reached the Pyrenees. Gustave and Gaius are toiling up the Col du Tourmalet, cursing the day they were born.

Gustave: Uh huh, uh huh, uuuuh, this is killing me!

Gaius: Courage my friend! It's killing me too.

Gustave: I don't have the legs!

Gaius: Think of France! Neither do I.

Gustave: My poor friend! Think of ancient Rome!

Gaius: I do! There were no bicycles then.

Gustave: Where is Violetta?

Gaius: Up the front somewhere. No one can say she hasn't the legs.

Gustave: She is like a machine, that woman. If only we could trust her....

Gaius: But we can't. You know the gendarmes are asking questions about you?

Gustave: Merde! About me?

......

Meanwhile, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are even further behind, having decided to walk their bicycles up the Col.

The VeloDrone: After all, what does it matter? We don't want to kill ourselves.

Le Bon David: True, true. We don't want to die.

The VeloDrone: Not today, anyway.

Le Bon David: Ha ha! Naturally, I meant not today. But I can't help thinking about that Japanese chappie.

The VeloDrone: Yukio Mishima?

Le Bon David: Yes, him, and his seppuku.

The VeloDrone: But of course, with a grandmother like that, not allowing him sunlight....

Le Bon David: And a father like that, holding him up to speeding trains....

The VeloDrone: It's a wonder he achieved anything at all. And yet, he was undoubtedly a brilliant novelist.

Le Bon David: And how are the girls enjoying the book?

The VeloDrone: Belle et Bonne nearly gave up at the disembowelling of the kitten, but Marie persuaded her to go on.

Le Bon David: Good, good. By the way, I'm starving. Is there anything to nibble?

The VeloDrone: Let me see. Here, let's go halves in a Kit Kat.