In Dream Hair

Kobo has chosen a chocolate bar, from the Agapey collection.

The Cacao Grenada.

Gaius has paid.

They leave the chocolate shop with the Cacao Grenada, which has been gift wrapped.

A white paper bag with handles. A white bow.

Gaius is lifting Kobo into his bicycle basket, when Griff cycles past with Terence.

Hey! cries Terence.

Griff stops. Ah, you found a chocolate shop. Good heavens! Agapey!

Griff is stunned. Saint Michael's very word (without the Y) has been made manifest.

He looks respectfully at the gift wrapped chocolate.

Their mission is blessed.

When do we leave on our expedition? asks Griff.

So you're coming? says Gaius. What about Terence? Who'll look after him?

Everyone looks at Ageless, because it will have to be Ageless.

Ageless realises it will have to be him.

All right, says Ageless. Give us some money.

I'm not made of money, says Gaius. I just forked out a small fortune for this Cacao Grenada. Go back to the hotel. See if the Thomas-Humes are doing an afternoon activity.

They're going out on a catamaran, says Kobo. I saw the itinerary.

Yay! cries Terence. I'm going out on a catamaran. What is it?

A double hulled boat, says Kobo. But if you go you must obey all the instructions.

I will, says Terence. I always obey the instructions.

Right, says Ageless. Start walking.

Not YOUR instructions, says Terence.

Walk, if you don't want me to NIP you, snarls Ageless.

Terence starts walking, backwards.

Ageless is mean.

Gaius and Griff set off together, with Kobo and the Cacao Grenada.

How pleasant it is without Terence.

How far to Gun Hill Signal Station? asks Griff. Do we know?

Eleven kilometres, says Gaius. We'll be there in no time.

An hour later, they arrive, puffing, because it was mainly uphill.

Not as fit as I should be, says Gaius.

Nor I, says Griff. Agh! An entry fee is required. Ten Bajan dollars, each. Are you paying?

We shall see, says Gaius. As an ex cavalry commander who served in Germania inferior I should qualify for a discount. You too, as the author of the Natural History of Barbados.

They try it on, but are rejected.

So Gaius pays up.

Pity about that, says Griff.

Just as well, says Gaius. We shouldn't draw attention to ourselves. We don't want to further endanger the Barbados racer. Well, what do you say Kobo? Shall we go up?

Kobo has been dreaming of her encounter with the Barbados racer.

In the dream it goes well. The Barbados racer comes out from under her lion and is disarmed by the gift of Cacao Grenada, her favourite. Of course she doesn't actually eat it. Who does? The Barbados racer invites Kobo into her home under the lion. She offers her green tea.  Of course they don't drink the green tea. Who does? The Barbados racer invites Kobo to run with her all the way down Gun Hill to a beach she knows which is sandy. They run on the beach side by side, the wind blowing back their dream hair, they collapse on the sand together laughing and soft and creamy, the sand getting into .....

..... a little opening under there, says Gaius. I'll poke it. You be ready to take a photo.

Gaius picks up a stick, while Griff readies his phone.

Saint Michael Risks A Crack

Gaius cycles through the streets of Bridgetown looking for a chocolate shop.

In his front basket are Kobo and Ageless, acting as spotters.

Griff cycles some distance behind them, with Terence perched dangerously on his back pannier.

Griff, while pretending to look for a chocolate shop, has another agenda.

He is looking for the Cathedral Church of Saint Michael and All Angels.

Terence is looking for Bs.

There are plenty of Bs in Barbados, bur Terence hasn't seen one.

However, the task keeps him occupied, for the moment.

.......

Gaius, says Kobo. Why don't you use your smart phone to find a chocolate shop?

Good thinking, says Gaius. He stops and presses buttons on his phone.

Agapey Chocolate Factory, Hincks Street. Single sourced cacao from bean to bar. Tours available.

Now he knows the address, he heads straight to Agapey, a small chocolate-making establishment.

Gaius, Ageless and Kobo go inside.

Tour? says the owner. Only twenty dollars. I'll show you how we make our delicious chocolate bars. And you can buy chocolate at a discount.

We don't want a tour, says Gaius.

Everyone does the tour, says the owner.

My companion is interested in buying a gift of chocolate that would suit an endangered snake we are intending to visit, says Gaius. Before you protest, it is in fulfilment of a promise, not because we believe the snake in question will enjoy eating the chocolate.

What a criminal waste of good chocolate, says the owner.

But feel free to look at our range, he adds.

A sale is a sale, regardless.

Gaius peruses the chocolate bars arranged neatly in their brown and gold wrappings, with different coloured bands representing the different flavours. Rum Caramel, Coconut Rum, Vodka Ginger....

Kobo looks too. Ageless watches her looking.

......

Griff has spotted the Cathedral of Saint Michael and All Angels, hopped off his bicycle,  and dragged Terence inside.

Griff looks about for a crucifix, intending to teach Terence a lesson.

Lesson: Easter is not your birthday. At Easter, you die.

But Terence has spotted the stained glass window above the altar. Saint Michael, his sword drawn, defeating Satan.

I know that guy, says Terence.

He runs up to the altar.

Saint Michael beams down at Terence. I know that little chap from somewhere. Now where have I seen him before, oh... fuck yeah. Shit! Can't be.

Saint Michael recomposes his features to look fierce again.

That is Saint Michael, says Griff. The archangel.

Terence knows better. It's a pirate. Only pirates have swords.

This is a rubbish palace, says Terence. Can we go and buy chocolate?

Not until.... begins Griff.

(Not until I destroy your stupid illusions).

Saint Michael is used to negativity. He spends his whole life in a cathedral.

He risks the odd crack.

Crack!

Griff looks up.

AGAPEY, mouths Saint Michael.

Clever Saint Michael.

It's the name of the best chocolate shop in Bridgetown. But also it's the Greek word for love.

Without the Y, that is. But when you mouth it, it looks just the same. AGAPE ( see?)

Griff takes this as a warning not to go any further in the disillusionment of Terence.

Okay, says Griff. We'll go and buy chocolate. I have no idea where, though.

AGAPEY, you fool!

But Griff was never going to twig that part of the message.

And Play The Game

It's a long time since Gaius has done any rowing.

And Griff is not doing his share.

Bridgetown shimmers far away in the distance.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

You know we're not there yet, says Kobo. Let's play a game.

YES! says Terence. Let's play Cannot But Be.

No, says Kobo. I don't know Cannot But Be. Let's play Stop the Bus. Think of a category.

You think of a category, says Terence.

Chocolate, says Kobo.

( She has been thinking of chocolate, ever since her forced lie to the sea snake ).

Okay, says Terence. Is it red chocolate?

There's no such thing as red chocolate, says Gaius. Just play the game.

But now Griffith Hughes is also thinking of chocolate. He rows faster.

Choose a letter, says Kobo.

B, says Terence.

Right, says Kobo. Now write down all the kinds of chocolate you can think of beginning with B.

Can't, says Terence.

Chocolate brownies, sniggers Ageless.

Ageless, stop spoiling the game!

Want to know why I chose B? asks Terence. Because I'm playing Cannot But B.

Bridgetown looms on the horizon.

All right, says Kobo. You start.

What if there was a........Brownie? says Terence.

What then?

Cannot but Brownie, says Terence.

No one even laughs.

This is not what happened when he played it with Baby Pierre.

What went wrong this time?

Terence is sad because he has forgotten ( again) how to play Cannot But Be.

Luckily the long row is over. They tie up the row boat and climb the stone steps of the harbour.

Gaius heads off to his bike.

Going already? says Griff. What about maps?

I know where Gun Hill is, says Terence. I went on the tour with that lady.

You're not coming with me, says Gaius.

But I am, says Kobo. I promised the Barbados racer a gift.

Did you? says Gaius. Then you must honour your promise. What is the gift?

Delicious chocolate, says Kobo. I was talked into it.

That reminds me. Easter is coming, says Griff.

Easter! says Terence. That's my birthday! Do I get a present?

Griff looks at the unholy infant.

So he thinks Easter's his birthday! I'll show him.

Come with me Terence, says Griff.

We shall all go, says Gaius. I assume we'll be chocolate shopping.

Yes, we must be, says Kobo.

Cannot but be! says Terence.

This time at least, Kobo laughs.

Chocolate Heads Up

I have spoken with the sea snake, says Kobo.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. Well done.

And I have learned the whereabouts of a Barbados racer, says Kobo.

Yes, continue, says Gaius. Make a note, Griff.

Gun Hill, says Kobo. Under the lion.

Gun Hill! says Terence. I went there!

That was Cherry Tree Hill, says Gaius.

Terence is sure he has been there, and spotted the lion.

But everyone is mean, and especially Gaius.

Gaius is letting the captain keep Nose when she hasn't finished becoming a parrot.

So Terence says nothing but thinks darkly, so what, he is bound to get Nose back.

Nose is grinning.

He gives her the finger. The claw.

We must be going, says Gaius. Thank you captain, for your hospitality, and the fine luncheon.

You have forgotten something, says the Captain. We hit a snag. We have a hole in our keel. We are not going anywhere.

No doubt you have a life boat, says Gaius.

No, says the Captain. We used to.

Balls to that, says Gaius. I can see one. I demand that you let us get in it, and row to the shore.

All right, says Stede Bonnet. Get in it. See if I care.

So Griff, Gaius, Terence, Ageless and Kobo get in it.

Griff and Gaius take up the oars and start rowing for Bridgetown.

Overhead, an Eskimo curlew is flying.

Did you see that? says Griff. An Eskimo curlew.

Impossible, says Gaius. The last Eskimo curlew was seen in 1963.

If you say so, says Griff. But it was an Eskimo curlew.

Gaius is still fuming about Captain Stede Bonnet.

Two-faced scoundrel, says Gaius.

I didn't see two faces, says Terence.

It means he's got good manners, but is nasty, says Kobo. Perhaps Nose will regret her decision.

The Eskimo curlew flies over Bridgetown, and heads north for Gun Hill Signal Station.

She lands near the lion.

Oi-oi, says the Eskimo curlew ( the normal pre-arranged signal, between endangered species).

The Barbados racer pokes her head out, from behind the red ball on which the lion's white foot is resting.

Here it might be proper to explain that the lion was carved by an officer at the signal station, in 1868, out of a single piece of rock, and the statue is famous. There are those who think that the red ball rather spoils it, chief of whom is the Barbados racer.

What is it? asks the Barbados racer.

Message from the sea snake, says the Eskimo curlew.

Yes?

You're getting a present.

From the sea snake?

No, a random clam. It's delicious chocolate.

And the sea snake decided to spoil the surprise?

That's not how it is. He wanted to make sure you came out to receive it.

Well, thanks for the heads up.

That's okay. How's life treating you?

So so. I'm thinking of getting rid of this ball.

The lion would lose its balance.

Do you think so? Maybe I should just change the colour. This red reminds me of chipped nail polish.

Chipped nail polish. That's a good one. Well... bye now!

Bye bye. I'll save you some chocolate.

No don't. Chocolate's bad for sea birds.

Snakes too. Clams can be thoughtless.

Before His Back Legs Touch The Mouth

On board the Revenge, the guests are served luncheon by Nose, the ship's parrot.

Fried flying fish and a creamy blend of okra and cornmeal.

Our national dish, says the captain. We call it coucou.

Very filling, says Griff. I remember it from the old days.

You've been to Barbados before? asks Stede Bonnet.

Yes, says Griff. Many years ago. In fact, I discovered the grapefruit.

I somehow doubt that, says the captain.

Then let's say, I took the first grapefruit back home to London, says Griff.

But what were you doing in Barbados? asks Stede, wiping coucou from his chin onto his deck chair.

I was assigned to Saint Lucy's parish, says Griff. For a short time, and then..... ahem....something happened and I returned, with the grapefruit......first and foremost I am a naturalist, like Gaius. We are working together.

But your quest has been unproductive, observes the Captain.

Unfortunately yes, says Gaius, but we shall not give in. Perhaps another sortie down the rope after lunch would be in order...

Kobo envisages an interminable afternoon of further non-production.

She sighs.

There are several crumbs of fried flying fish, on the floor beside Kobo.

Ageless, says Kobo. See these crumbs.

I see them, beloved, says Ageless.

Carry me to to the side, with the crumbs, says Kobo.

Clik,,,clik,,,, says Ageless, grasping the crumbs, and his beloved.

Drop the crumbs overboard, says Kobo.

Ageless drops the crumbs overboard.

What is in your mind, my enigmatic cream bun? asks Ageless.

Nothing, says Kobo. Well... not totally nothing.

Not nothing, says Ageless.

The sea snake, says Kobo. Tonight's the beach party.

Beach party, says Ageless. Sea snake. What is the connection?

Look down, says Kobo. Is there a sea snake?

There is, says Ageless. I'm grateful that I'm nowhere near it.

Is the rope there?

Yes, my precious fish cake. The rope is right here.

Carry me down it. I want to speak to the sea snake, before the crumbs are all eaten.

Ageless can't deny her. Not when she's so damp and creamy.

He tenderly carries her down. Stops before his back legs touch the mouth of the sea snake.

Sea snake! says Kobo. Do you see me?

I see you, says the sea snake. You are the most beautiful fossilised clam I have seen in my life. Jump in, pretty.

First, I have a question, says Kobo.

Like in the fairy tales, says the sea snake. Fire away, princess.

The Tan Ground Snake, says Kobo. Where does she reside now? I have a gift for her.

O tricky! Tan Ground Snake is another name for the Barbados racer.

Is it chocolate? asks the sea snake (hooked already).

The most delicious chocolate, says Kobo.

She lives on Gun Hill, says the sea snake. Under the lion.

Thank you, dear sea snake, says Kobo.

Now will you come in? asks the sea snake.

No she will NOT! growls Ageless, rapidly shinning up the rope with Kobo, and the valuable information.

Advantage Of A Liberal Education

Terence is hauled on board first. Then Nose, who is dead to all appearances.

This could go either way.

Either: Nose is dead.

Or: Nose isn't.

But if she isn't, we must have a reason.

Gaius is calling down to Stede Bonnet, who is still in the deck chair.

There's a sea snake beside you. Do you have an eel trap on board?

Of course I don't have an eel trap, snaps Stede Bonnet. Haul me up, will you.

No, wait down there, says Gaius. Griff, take the rope.

Gaius shimmies down the rope to the deck chair.

It creaks and dips under the water, because Stede is still in it.

Go on up, Captain, says Gaius. I'll parley with the sea snake.

The sea snake can't believe it. As if!

It takes a deep breath, ready to plunge into the depths of the Deep Water Harbour.

Wait! says Gaius. Do you know the Barbados racer?

As it happens the sea snake does know the Barbados racer.

It pauses.

Meanwhile on the deck of the Revenge, Nose lies, inert and drying.

A bubble appears at the end of her nose.

Then another.

Yes, she has a long nose, and air was trapped in it.

That's a good enough reason.

My blood sister! says Terence.

Blurp! Nose vomits up a yellow stream of salt water.

Did I save you? asks Nose.

No, says Terence. I saved you.

But I saw you fall in, says Nose. And I dived in to save you.

A parrot wouldn't do that, says Terence. You must have got pushed.

I'm not a parrot, says Nose. I resign.

Pity, says Stede Bonnet. I have a position....and you would be perfect. You are bold, yet obedient, and you wear pirate pantaloons.

What would I have to do? asks Nose. This is tempting.

Just be yourself, says Stede Bonnet.

Bravo, says Kobo. Captain, you have a good side as well as a dark side.

The advantage of a liberal education, madam, answers Stede Bonnet.

What about me? asks Terence. I'm left with no parrot.

Gaius climbs over the side, without the sea snake.

No luck? asks Griff.

Yes and no, says Gaius. It knows something, I'm sure of it. But it turned tail and vanished.

Hungry, says Captain Stede Bonnet.

Possibly, says Gaius. Perhaps we could tempt it with food. Let me see ....what do they favour?

Fish eggs, says Griff. Crustaceans.

I'd go with the fish eggs, says Ageless,

It happens to be lunch time, says Stede Bonnet. Nose, go down to the galley and see what's on offer.

Aye aye, Captain, says Nose.

She follows her nose to the galley whence a tantalising smell of cornmeal and fried flying fish arises...

One Dead One Disobedient

My apologies, says Captain Stede Bonnet. I had no right to do that.

No time for apologies, we must retrieve Terence, says Gaius.

I think we have time for apologies, says Kobo.

It's my temper, says Captain Stede Bonnet. It's bad.

He was not your ship's boy, says Kobo.

I know, sighs the Captain. The question is, how to make amends.

You could go down, says Kobo. After all, you are a lobster.

I cannot leave my ship, says the Captain. How about Ageless?

Ageless, says Kobo, how do you feel about that?

Ageless is all unprepared for a good deed. He shuffles.

Nose's feet hit the deck.

Terence fell into the water! cries Nose. Someone save him!

Ageless is going, says Kobo. Aren't you, Ageless. Let your disposition not disgrace your appearance.

Ageless has never felt that his disposition disgraced his appearance. Where did that come from?

(Answer: From Hesiod's works and Days, which Kobo is reading).

Terence will die! cries Nose. And I'm his blood sister and parrot. So....!

She jumps into the water.

A parrot, says Stede. Why didn't she say so! I'm in need of a parrot. I knew there was something about her.

She is no parrot, says Gaius. Except for the pink patch of feathers close to her anus.

And they are from a monkey, says Griff, enjoying the discomfiture of the Captain.

Monkey with feathers?

But time is wasting, even though Terence won't die.

Nose sinks slowly.

Terence lies at the bottom of the Deep Water Harbour, amongst the shipwrecks, and dead ship's boys.

Bright purple sea whips and yellow finger sponges sway lazily.

Terence wonders how long before he is rescued and who it will be.

Drowned for disobedience. What a... bum-plop!

At least there's no one down here to tell him not to say bum-plop.

A sea snake snakes up to him.

Nice cutlass shorts, ship's boy.

The sea snake disappears into the lacy purple coral near a bunch of sea bottles.

Nose drops down beside Terence.

Of course. His blood sister.

But she isn't indicating that she has seen him.

Is she dead?

Terence can't believe it. Nose dead. Before she even became a useful parrot.

They lie side by side on the bottom.

One dead, one disobedient. Make that two disobedient.

But aha! Someone is coming. A rope tied to a deck chair. Feet.

It's the Captain, shamed into letting his disposition not disgrace his appearance.

He scoops up the ship's boy and his parrot.

Tugs on the rope, and the deck chair begins a slow rise to the surface.

The sea snake has not seen any thing like this for ages. He rises along with the deck chair.

Besides which, he lacks gills and must surface regularly.

Gaius is leaning over the railing.

What good fortune! A sea snake!

The gods must be smiling.

The Work Life Balance Of A Pirate

Deep Water Harbour.

Ageless points out the Revenge.

It is smaller than Gaius had expected.

Welcome aboard, says Stede Bonnet, saluting from the top of the gangplank.

Stede is a lobster. That too is unexpected.

They all troop on board.

Ageless introduces them.

Gaius and Griffith, the naturalists.

Pleased to meet you.

Terence.

Ah! Cutlass shorts! A ship's boy.

Nose.

Wearing pirate pantaloons! Are you a female?

Nose nods. Why should he want to know?

Kobo, my beloved.

Madam! A privilege.

Introductions over, Stede gives an order. The Revenge sets sail.

We shall sail up the West Coast to Holetown, says Stede. Meanwhile perhaps you would care to sit in these deck chairs.

He indicates a row of deck chairs, in the sun.

They sit on the deck chairs. Stede gazes over the railing.

I believe you were once a pirate, says Griff.

I was, says Stede. And before that I was a retired British Army Major. I owned a sugar plantation. I had a wife and family...

And you turned to piracy, says Gaius. I find it surprising.

Call it a midlife crisis, says Stede. I had this vessel built. Paid for it myself. Got a crew together, paid them wages.

Your poor wife, says Kobo. Your poor children. What did they do?

Hah! says Stede. Naggers all. Rather you should ask what did I do!

What did you do? asks Nose.

A life of piracy, says Stede, involves capturing vessels, burning ships and generally keeping friendly with other pirates. I was friendly with Edward Teach. Blackbeard to you. He taught me all I know about sailing.

Crunch! The Revenge hits a snag in the harbour. Rolls and lists to one side.

Never fear, says Stede Bonnet. Ship's boy, climb up to the yard arm and see what we bumped into.

Me? says Terence.

You, says Stede Bonnet.

All of a sudden he looks menacing.

Yes, his wife was probably glad that he took himself off, leaving her with the children, the fortune and the valuable sugar plantation.

NO, says Terence.

But Stede is a pirate king (ex).

He won't take NO from a ship's boy.

He makes towards Terence.

I'll do it, says Nose.

She scampers up to the yard arm.

It's so pretty up there.

She can see a colourful building in the distance. A pink one. And a statue of Nelson.

She turns. The sparkling blue waters. A turtle. A sea snake.

Just as, below, something dreadful is happening to Terence.

Before anyone can stop him, Stede has pushed Terence over the side.

That, for disobedience! roars Stede Bonnet.

Blub-blub. Terence drops like a stone.

Nose watches him grow smaller and smaller.

The sea snake and the turtle part company.

Nothing to see here.

She climbs down.

Suspect Uncle

Nose has returned to the shorts shop without any money.

There! says the woman in the shorts shop. We knew you'd come back.

Did we? thinks Kobo.

I couldn't get twenty dollars, says Nose.

She starts taking the cutlass shorts off.

Wait honey! says the woman. Don't do it in public. There's a man staring in through the window.

Griff can see Nose inside the shorts shop. And Kobo, sitting next to the till.

He enters the shorts shop. Albeit he doesn't like shorts.

Not the short shorts that young women wear these days, with ragged holes and the pocket lining showing.

Ho, man, says the woman. Can I help you? Looking for shorts?

No, says Griff. I'm here to retrieve my property.

Property? says the woman. And what might that be?

This bandicoot, says Griff grabbing Nose by the back of the cutlass shorts.

And this fossilised clam, (grabbing Kobo).

You girls need any help? asks the woman. You know this person?

Yes, says Nose. He's my uncle. He's going to pay you the money.

What money? asks Griff. Is there a ransom?

For the cutlass shorts, man, says the woman. And these pantaloons, while you've got your pockets open.

She waves the pirate pantaloons in his face.

This is the first Nose has seen of the pirate pantaloons. They are perfect. Drawstring waist. Red and white stripes. She falls in love with them.

O please! says Nose. Please, uncle!

Griff is a church man, not an uncle. His first instinct is just to say NO!

But the Lord had delivered him a message, for Barbados.

GO FOR IT!

All right. How much do I owe you? asks Griff.

Twenty Bajan dollars for the cutlass shorts. Five for the alteration. And another five for the pirate pantaloons, says the woman.

She drives a hard bargain. Especially as there has been no alteration.

But no one is saying.

And she is broad in the beam.

Griff likes this type of woman.

So Griff opens his wallet and coughs up the money.

Thanks, uncle, says the woman, winking. She suspects he is nobody's uncle.

They leave.

.......

Waves Resort Hotel.

Gaius is by the pool, with Ageless and Terence.

Nose appears first, in the cutlass shorts.

She's got new SHORTS! says Terence.

You can have these, says Nose. I've got better ones.

Griff appears, red faced and panting, with Kobo in one hand, ( ew, she hates it!) and the pirate pantaloons in the other.

He puts Kobo down.

Beloved, says Ageless. How would you like to go sailing?

Sailing? If only she'd known. She has just spent half the morning in a shorts shop, and come home empty handed.

Nose is struggling out of the cutlass shorts, and into the pirate pantaloons. Griff is doing up the drawstring.

Terence is wriggling into the cutlass shorts. Yay ! They're just perfect. He dances.

Griff doesn't know what the alteration involved.

(Nothing).

But the unholy infant is dancing. He has done a good thing. He thanks the Lord for the outcome.

Eliminations

Kobo stares at the till.

She imagines a robbery.

Not her.

A robber.

A man.

He runs in and threatens her.

No. He ignores her.

He smashes open the till with a hammer, grabs a fistful of Bajan dollars and runs, dropping a twenty dollar note in his haste, which is now Kobo's, because she has found it.

The woman comes back with a small pair of pirate pantaloons.

Your friend back yet? asks the woman.

No, says Kobo.

Okay, says the woman. We'll wait.

........

Griff wakes up, when Nose noses his elbow.

Whaaa-tsis? splutters Griff.

I need.... begins Nose.

Ha-ha-ha! laughs Griff, seeing her in the cutlass shorts, which look funny.

What? says Nose.

You look funny, says Griff.

Nose is offended.

She is NOT going to ask this man for twenty dollars.

She stalks off, in the direction of Bridgetown.

Griff rolls over in his banana lounge. Then a thought hits him.

Gaius won't be best pleased to come back and find his bandicoot missing.

Griff hauls himself up, and heads off in the direction that Nose took.

Not a moment too soon, thinks Reception, dragging the banana lounge into the shade.

........

Gaius returns a few moments later.

Where is everyone? asks Gaius.

Gone off for the morning, says Reception.

Gaius flops down on the banana lounge, exhausted.

(Happily, it's now in the shade).

......

Ageless approaches.

Ach-hem, coughs Ageless.

Gaius stirs.

Gaius: Ageless! Where has everyone disappeared to?

Ageless: I might ask you the same thing.

Gaius: I've been up to Cherry Tree Hill, but found only a thread snake.

Ageless: Where's Kobo?

Gaius: I don't know. Where have you been?

Ageless: Out.

Gaius: May I enquire further? If only to eliminate places of interest.

Ageless: Down to the harbour. I bumped into a friend, an old sea dog.

Gaius: Is that why you smell of spirits?

Ageless: Aye. He invited me out on his vessel.

Gaius: What is the name of his vessel?

Ageless: The Revenge.

Gaius: I wonder....

Ageless: He purchased it with his own money.

Gaius: I assumed that to be the case.

Ageless: Yet he's a pirate. Ex-pirate.

Gaius: And he purchased his vessel? That is unusual.

Ageless: A gentleman pirate.

Gaius: Evidently. What's his name?

Ageless: Stede Bonnet. Like to meet him?

Gaius: I would. Perhaps he can help me locate a Barbados racer. It's proving difficult. The blind thread snake was most uncooperative.  Perhaps a sea snake would be more forthcoming.

Ageless: A sea snake!

Gaius: A long bow, I admit. But a sea voyage would be most refreshing.

Ageless: I can arrange it. My beloved would like it.

Gaius: Yes she would, but, Ageless, perhaps we should not include....

Terence (skidding across to the banana lounge, and stopping): HEY! I'm back! I had five blueberries and I talked to two pink parrots, and I fell in the water and I saw a steam mill with steam coming out. And the Colonel that lived there got killed in a duel. Pow! Where's my blood sister? When are we getting new shorts? These ones are stinky!

Gaius: .....Terence.

Draw Of The Cutlass

We cannot let Nose and Kobo go shopping for shorts and not follow them.

It's too intriguing.

How will it go?

Nose has a good nose for shopping.

She travels slowly for the sake of her passenger.

This way, says Nose.

I'm glad you think so, says Kobo. I would have gone the other way.

No, says Nose. I have a long nose and I know where the shops are.

She heads straight for the main shopping street in Bridgetown.

It is bustling with shoppers, some of whom are pointing.

Pay no attention, says Nose.

To what? asks Kobo.

That's it. You're doing it, says Nose. Look, there's a shorts shop.

It is indeed a shorts shop. They go inside.

Can I help you two lovelies? asks a woman who has been rearranging the shorts piles.

Yes, I want some shorts, please, says Nose. I like those ones.

She points to small pair of shorts, pale blue, patterned all over with tiny cutlasses.

Those are boy's ones, says the woman. Are they for your brother?

NO, says Nose. They're for me.

You go, girl, says the woman. But you know, there may be a problem.

Problem? says Nose.

You're big in the beam, sweetheart, says the woman. Don't get me wrong. I'm big in the beam myself. It's natural. Just you might need a bigger size to get them shorts over your bottom.

Nose had not particularly thought about getting them over her bottom.

They're the only ones with cutlasses.

Try them on, dear, says Kobo, climbing down off her.

Nose struggles into the cutlass shorts. They are loose at the waist, tight round the bottom, and they don't have a tail hole.

I can fix you a tail hole, says the woman. Do you want them?

I want them, says Nose.

Twenty Bajan dollars, says the woman.

I'll come back, says Nose.

She hurries out of the shorts shop.

Hey! says the woman. Well, bless me!

Has she gone ? asks Kobo.

She has, with the shorts on, says the woman. And no tail hole, and she hasn't paid me the money.

She'll be back, says Kobo.

She would have been better with souvenir shorts, observes the woman.

What are they? asks Kobo.

Pirate pantaloons, says the woman. Drawstring. Red and white stripes. Baggy.

We'll take them, says Kobo.

I don't sell 'em, says the woman. That's next door.

Will you take me? asks Kobo.

Sorry babe, says the woman. I can't leave the shop.

I'll mind it, says Kobo.

Yeah. A fossilised clam. Still, I'll only be away a minute. Okay, there's the till. No... wait on, if you make a sale, hold on to the customer.

She goes out, leaving Kobo excited.

Vagaries Of Obsession

Nose is bored.

She is sitting in the basket, next to the swimming pool, with Kobo.

Kobo is keening.

Aaaa!

The Reverend Griffith Hughes stirs from his rum fuelled dreams... and goes back to sleep again.

Aaaa! says Kobo.

What's the matter? says Nose.

Ageless has left me, says Kobo.

That's no great loss, says Nose.

You are right, agrees Kobo. But he was my means of getting about in Barbados.

And Terence was mine, says Nose.

I don't think so, says Kobo. You can't rely on someone who thinks you're a parrot. And who calls you his blood sister, yet plans to relieve you of a claw.

True, says Nose. You are wise. Let us get to know one another better. What is your story?

A long one, says Kobo. Or a short one. A clam, soft and creamy, full of the joys, then a landslide and a gradual fossilisation. I was uncovered. I lay there on the beach. That is the long part of the story.

Did you dream? asks Nose. I sometimes dream.

Yes I dreamed, says Kobo. I dreamed I was running along the beach on fat legs. I was with another woman, the wind in our hair, our bare breasts bobbing.

Wow, says Nose. Is it a gay dream?

No, says Kobo. It's a painting, by Picasso.

Wow, says Nose. I don't even know Picasso.

He fell in love with a woman who played the knife game, says Kobo. She played it till her fingers bled through the roses on her black gloves. He asked for the gloves as a memento. For nine years he loved her.

It's too much for Nose. It is too much for Kobo.

They are silent, contemplating the vagaries of obsession.

Griff snores in his banana lounge.

Reception sweeps up tiny dates that have dropped from a date palm.

Snore! Swish!

The pool hums and gurgles. (It's the filter).

Want to hear my story? asks Nose.

Yes, dear, says Kobo.

I was happy in the hills, as a young endangered bandicoot, says Nose. But then I got wind of the plan to build a tunnel. The tunnel was to funnel us into unknown territory where there would be male sexual predators.

How do you know? asks Kobo.

I just know, says Nose.

(Because all the girls said so).

So here you are now, says Kobo. A pretend parrot in Barbados.

And here you are now, says Nose. All alone without Ageless.

Sigh. Sigh.

Why don't we go shopping? says Nose. I'm meant to be getting new shorts.

Shorts? says Kobo.

Shorts, says Nose. Want to come with me?

Yes, says Kobo. I will, yes. Can you transport me?

Yes, dear, I think so, says Nose.

We Are Thought To Lack Something

The tour bus is not the only vehicle on Cherry Tree Hill.

Just as Terence is being tempted out of his miseries by Mrs Thomas-Hume who is opening a snack pack of blueberries, and therefore not looking out of the window....

Gaius rides by on his bicycle.

It's tough going.

Gaius would never admit that he suffers from jet lag.

But he wobbles a little, and veers to one side.

Crash! He tumbles off his hired bicycle into a cane field.

Now Gaius is lying amongst the waving green sugar canes.

His bicycle has gouged a small hole in the dirt.

As luck would have it, (for Gaius), a Blind Snake is exposed unexpectedly.

Yee-aaah! What is this happening?

Gaius peers down at the Blind Snake, which looks like a piece of spaghetti.

The Blind Snake is a type of threadsnake that lives underground in a burrow. Its eyes are vestigial, because hey! what's to look at down there?

None the less it has a unique pattern of two yellow stripes on its side, for some reason. It is toothless and harmless.

The world's smallest snake.

 It eats termites.

What have we here? asks Gaius.

Blind Snake: Mmmwwwerp!

Gaius: Don't be afraid. It was a rhetorical question. I wouldn't be much of a natural historian if I couldn't identify a Blind Snake. Do you feel like conversing?

Blind Snake: Mmmwwwerp!

Gaius: I assume you are not averse. Wait until I find my note pad and pencil.

Blind Snake: I am averse.

Gaius: Well just answer me this one question.

Blind Snake: Then will you go?

Gaius: Of course, assuming my bicycle is not damaged. I have just crashed it.

Blind Snake: Is that what happened?

Gaius: It must be difficult, not to know what is happening around you.

Blind Snake: I know what I need to know. Ants and dirt.

Gaius: Very good attitude. Now for my question. Have you seen.... no, not seen.... do you know of any other snakes that are endemic to Barbados?

Blind Snake: No. Well yes, the Sea Snake. It lives in the sea.

Gaius: I know of it. It has an eel-like appearance, and comes up to breathe, due to lack of gills.

Blind Snake: Yes, I like how we snakes are all thought to to lack something.

Gaius: I hadn't thought of it that way. What about the Barbados Racer?

Blind Snake: Case in point. You'll not spot a Barbados Racer. Not these days.

Gaius: Ah, it lacks presence.

Blind Snake: So I believe.

Gaius: But you are blind and live in a burrow.

Blind Snake: Then why ask me?

Gaius: I should not have bothered. Well, I'll be getting along now. If my bike's in working order.

Blind Snake: How about fixing my burrow?

Gaius: I'll leave that to you.

He mounts his bicycle and wobbles off, onwards and upwards.

The Blind Snake starts digging. What a head fuck. She is glad she didn't give the Barbados Racer away.

Minding The Unholy Infant

Terence in lying on his back at the bottom of the pool, looking upwards.

It is not what he had expected.

But he should have.

Now he remembers that time in Geneva, when he scooted off the walkway on his way to the fountain and had to be rescued.

He screws up his eyes to see better through the glinting blue water.

He sees a long brown pointy thing, undulating six feet above him.

Could it be Nose's nose?

It is, and Nose is now running to alert the Reverend Griffith Hughes, who is napping in a banana lounge, due to jet lag (and copious rum).

Hey!

The Reverend Griffith Hughes is now alerted.

For reasons best known to himself he does not get up quickly.

Is that commendable?

No it isn't.

Luckily Reception has come out to see if any stragglers want to go on the bus tour.

Nose is gesticulating wildly.

Reception is used to deliveries falling into the swimming pool. He knows what to do.

He grabs a long handled net and fishes out Terence.

Terence is placed dripping next to the banana lounge.

Thank you, says Griff, evincing the bare minimum of gratitude.

Mrs Thomas-Hume comes out to the pool, dressed for a bus tour.

Ten minutes later, the bus leaves for Cherry Tree Hill, and Terence is on it.

........

The bus winds its way up Cherry Tree Hill.

Feeling better, baby? asks Mrs Thomas-Hume.

No, says Terence. My shorts are wet.

They'll soon dry, says Mrs Thomas-Hume. It's always twenty seven to twenty eight degrees in Barbados. What nice ones! What are those patterns?

Geckos, says Terence. His little cement nose is stuffed up with pool water.

Water drips out when he says geckos.

She doesn't have the heart to say: They don't look like geckos.

I'm getting new ones, says Terence. So is Nose.

The parrot, smiles Mrs Thomas-Hume. It might be hard to find shorts to fit her.

Terence scowls.

She changes the subject to externals.

Look at the view. This must be Cherry Tree Hill.

The view from Cherry Tree hill is magnificent. Waving cane fields and mahogany trees stretching all the way down to a sun-soaked coastline.

Terence looks. He can't see a single cherry tree, or even a cherry.

It's a rubbish hill, if ever there was one.

Escape Routes

The plane lands in Bridgetown.

Now to organise some form of transport, says Gaius.

A car? asks Griff. There's the Budget counter.

I was thinking of bicycles, says Gaius.

Oh, were you? says Griff. This island is not bicycle friendly.

No matter, says Gaius. But why do you say that?

Narrow roads, cane fields, no escape routes, says Griff.

But Gaius is determined.

.....

Now they have bicycles, hired from Trailseekers Barbados.

They also have up to date maps.

Now to offload Terence.

They roll up at the Waves Resort Hotel.

Good morning, says Gaius.

Good morning, says the man at reception. I'm very sorry sir, no children allowed here.

We don't care, says Terence. Is there a swimming pool?

Griff whacks Terence, on the back of his cement head.

What? says Terence.

He's not a child, says Griff. He's a delivery.

Terence has never been called a delivery.

But deliveries are what people wait for. Sweezus once waited for a delivery. He waited and waited. It was a bean bag, when it finally came. It was so comfy.....

So Terence is happy to be a delivery.

And this is my parrot, says Terence.

Sorry, no parrots, says Reception.

Got him! Nose isn't a parrot.

Irrelevant, says Gaius. We're here to see Mr and Mrs Thomas-Hume. I believe they are staying here.

Why didn't you say so? says Reception. I'll buzz them.

.......

Mr and Mrs Thomas-Hume had been having a late breakfast.

They come out to Reception.

Gaius! says Mrs Thomas-Hume. Katherine said you might drop by. How lovely to see you! And this must be ...

The delivery, says Terence. I'm not allowed.

Of course you're allowed, sweetheart, says Mrs Thomas-Hume. And is this your parrot?

How nice ( not to mention perceptive ) is Mrs Thomas-Hume!

This is the Reverend Griffith Hughes, says Gaius. Griff, meet the Thomas-Humeses.

Good to meet you, says Mr Thomas-Hume. Unfortunately, I have a meeting this morning. Perhaps you'd like to join our group for dinner tonight. It'll be on the beach, out the front here.

Yes do, says Mrs Thomas-Hume. Meanwhile I'll be out on a bus tour for spouses. Would you like to come Terence? And bring your parrot?

No, says Terence. I want to go swimming.

He makes a rude sign at Reception.

Ah-ah! says Mrs Thomas-Hume, warningly.

Nose keeps quiet.

........

Later that morning.

Who should be cycling alone through the cane fields, eyes peeled for Barbados racers?

Gaius.

And who should be lying on a banana lounge beside the pool at the Waves Resort Hotel, sipping rum and coca cola through a wiggly straw?

The Reverend.

And who is lying at the bottom of the pool, needing to be rescued?

No need to guess.

The delivery.

Snake Maps

The last leg, on American Airlines. Miami to Bridgetown, Barbados.

I must say, says Griff, it takes a long time to get to Barbados.

Not as long as it used to, says Gaius.

True, says Griff. But I shall be glad to relax when we get there.

We must hit the ground running, says Gaius. In search of the racer.

But we should follow up the address Katherine gave us, says Griff.

A luxury hotel, scoffs Gaius.

Where her relatives are staying, says Griff. We might offload Terence.

Gaius has been thinking himself about offloading Terence.

Griff is a genius!

He settles back in his airline seat and shuffles his notes.

His eye falls on the map of Barbados.

Hmm. It seems a bit out of date. There are no towns denoted, only plantations, and there are tiny drawings of men with guns, on horseback, chasing black slaves.

We must obtain a new map, says Gaius, the very minute we land in Bridgetown. This one is ancient.

So I see, says Griff. It looks like that fool Ligon's. But let us look closer. He may have indicated the locations in which he saw snakes.

Good thinking, says Gaius.

They pore over the map of the island of Barbados.

Wild pigs and donkeys, camels and cows. Rocks and trees, neatly planted.

No snakes.

My own map was much more detailed, says Griff. As I recall, the towns, churches, forts and plantations, the sugar works and mills, locations of rocks under water, and roads, were all on it.

But you don't have it with you, says Gaius.

I don't, says Griff.

And no snakes were delineated, says Gaius.

They weren't, says Griff.

Why are you looking for snakes? asks Terence.

It's a particular snake, says Gaius, which is thought to be extinct.

I know what that means, says Terence.

Good, says Gaius. No doubt Nose has explained it to you, as she herself is endangered.

No, says Terence. Sweezus told me. It means you're back like you were before you were manufactured.

I suppose that's as good an explanation as any, says Gaius.

Manufactured? says Griff.

Well... says Gaius. Perhaps Sweezus was being specific.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Almost, says Gaius. We'll be landing in forty minutes.

Yay! says Terence. Then I get offloaded.

Hope Remains Inside The Jar

At the Miami International Airport, waiting for their flight to Barbados.....

Gaius and Griff are already on their second cup of coffee.

Terence is lecturing Nose on How To Be A Better Parrot.

You have to obey me, says Terence.

Okay, says Nose. Let's try it.

Get me a red drink, says Terence.

Okay, says Nose.

She wanders away, in search of a red drink.

Hey! says Terence. Don't go far off.

Okay, says Nose.

She comes back.

What about the red drink? asks Terence.

Choose, says Nose. Red drink or Don't go far off.

Okay, says Terence. Don't go far off. Make someone else do it.

I'll ask Ageless, says Nose.

Ageless is only too glad of an excuse to get away from his beloved, who is ranting, on feminist themes.

What is it? asks Ageless.

Terence wants a red drink, says Nose. Can you go and get one?

Certainly, says Ageless. Kobo, my delicious little fritter, excuse me for a moment. Duty calls.

He levers himself out of the basket and heads for a cafe.

In the cafe he sees, at a table, a lobster he knows.

Stede! cries Ageless. What are you doing here?

Ageless, by the devil! says Stede. You tough old crustacean! Still kicking?

Still kicking, says Ageless. What are you drinking?

Filthy muck! says Stede. Hey ho! Let us repair to a tavern and get a real drink inside us!

Rum? suggests Ageless hopefully.

Rum, says his old acquaintance.

They repair to a tavern (an airport bar).

Stede orders two stiff ones.

Where are you off to? asks Stede.

Barbados, says Ageless.

Rock my old pirate's balls! says Stede. That's where I'm heading. Come and see me, in Bridgetown. I'll take you out sailing. Are you on your own?

O yes, says Ageless.

Let's have another! says Stede.

.......

Ageless staggers back to the basket.

Kobo hasn't even noticed he'd gone. She has been deconstructing Hesiod's version of the Pandora myth to her own satisfaction.

So.....Ageless. What do you think?

Err...m, says Ageless, emitting rum fumes.

She lets all the ills of mankind out of a jar.

Yes, says Ageless. Terrible.

And only hope remains, says Kobo.

That's a wonderful thing, beloved, says Ageless.

INSIDE THE JAR! says Kobo.

Oops. Ageless can't get his befuddled head around this one.

Hesiod didn't think his metaphor through, says Kobo.

How so? says Ageless, courting danger.

Weren't you LISTENING? asks Kobo.

Hope remains, says Ageless.

Inside the jar, says Kobo. What use is that to anyone?

Where's my red drink? asks Terence, leaning over the basket.

I knew there was something, says Ageless.

The Blessed Ones

It's a five hour flight to Miami.

Kobo is glad of her book.

Never drink wine in the morning. Do not urinate facing the sun. Do not urinate after sunset. Nor on the road. The night belongs to the blessed ones.

Terence is bored (after only five minutes).

He fidgets.

Don't fidget, says Griff. Why don't you ask Nose to finish the story?

Okay, says Terence.

Nose is lifted out of the basket.

Where was I up to? asks Nose.

What do you look like? says Terence.

Can't you see me? says Nose.

Yes I can see you, says Terence.

What do I look like? asks Nose.

It's your story, says Terence.

Give me a clue, says Nose.

A parrot, says Terence.

Griff has had enough of this nonsense.

I shall give you a description, says Griff. You are a small bandicoot, with a pink patch of fuzz near your bottom. You have a long nose, and mouse-like ears. You are intelligent.

Am I? asks Nose.

AM I ? asks Terence.

That remains to be seen, says Griff. If you can be converted, that will go some way towards proving that you are intelligent.

See, says Terence.

See what? says Nose.

You have to give me your claw, says Terence.

No, I don't, says Nose. I'm intelligent already. Shut up and listen:

The dirty little boy was accompanied by a bandicoot with beautiful listening ears. The bandicoot had suffered. Someone's monkey had been placed beside it, in a basket. The monkey's behaviour was lewd. Suffice to say, a stickiness ensued, resulting in a temporary conjoinment. When the conjoinment was ended. the bandicoot was left with a small patch of monkey fur, right near her privates. Luckily for her, the little boy thought they were feathers, as he was besotted with parrots. This idea served to help the bandicoot through her trauma.....

That is an uplifting story, says Griff. And educational.

Terence does not see how it was educational, with all those big words.

He is less than pleased with his parrot.

He undoes his seatbelt and clambers down to the basket, where Kobo is reading Hesiod's Works and Days in a creamy voice to Ageless:

And when your private parts are stained with semen indoors, do not let them be seen as you go near the hearth fire......

He-he! (Ageless is surprised into laughter).

The plane flies on, beating its way to Miami.

The food and drink trolley rolls by, before Terence can clamber up again.

Wah!

The Crow's Foot Matches The Fig Leaf

I'm surprised at you, owning that book, says Griff. By a Greek writer.

Hesiod has much to teach us, says Gaius.

About what? says Griff.

The gods and their motivations, how to live a life of honest husbandry, practical notions, says Gaius. I always carry it with me.

(He doesn't. Not always).

Kobo has opened the book in the middle, randomly, as one does in a book shop.

She reads: As soon as a crow's footprint is matched by the aspect of the leaves on the end of a fig branch, then the sea is suitable for embarcation.

Was he a sailor? she wonders. Whether he was or he wasn't, it is a wonderful piece of information. She turns to the beginning.

I want a book, says Terence.

Can you read? asks Nose.

No. You can read it to me, says Terence.

I can't, says Nose, because you haven't got one, but I can tell stories.

Tell me a story, says Terence.

He has picked a good parrot.

Okay, says Nose, who has never before told a story.

Once there was a boy.

What did he look like? asks Terence.

Like you, says Nose.

What do I look like? asks Terence.

Nose likes questions. They help you to spin out the story.

A dirty little boy, says Nose. With a claw instead of a finger. And he's trying to get another one, from his blood sister.

What does she look like ? asks Terence.

Wait, says Nose. I haven't finished with you yet.

The dirty little boy is wearing grey shorts, and a t-shirt that says I'm Not A Morning Person.

Wrong, says Terence. Double wrong! These shorts are gecko shorts.

I don't see any geckos, says Nose.

They wore off, says Terence. But that doesn't mean they aren't gecko shorts.

I don't see any geckos either, says Griff. Do you, Gaius?

No, says Gaius. I don't think those are your gecko shorts, Terence.

So I was right, says Nose. What was the other one?

This t-shirt says I'm a Morning Person, says Terence. And I am. So that proves it..

There is a Not in the sentence on the t-shirt, clear as daylight. Terence has not proved it..

But there's no telling Terence.

Can I get new shorts in Barbados? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. Just be quiet and listen to the story.

Terence looks at Nose. HARD.

Nose gets it.

The little boy was travelling to Barbados with a scientist and a Reverend. They were talking about what they would do there.

What? asks Terence.

Look for the Barbados racer, says Nose.

And? asks Terence. Before that?

Before that, says Nose. They will buy some new shorts for Terence and his blood sister.

We both get new shorts, says Terence. I like this story.

And now, as  the crow's foot matches the fig leaf, it is time to fly to Miami.

So they get on the plane.

Ideas Of Perfection

While they wait for their Miami connection, Gaius examines his map of Barbados.

It is shaped like a slice of that grilled turkey ham which is still causing him indigestion.

He puts the map back in his folder, and stuffs the folder into his back pack.

Draws out a copy of Nature Communications, and flicks through the pages.

What's that? asks Terence, looking at one of the pictures.

An Anchiornis, says Gaius. A bird-like dinosaur. With advanced laser imaging techniques we can now see how their wings looked. See, a red crest, like a woodpecker.

Terence likes the Anchiornis. It has four wings with black and white feathers, and a red crest. It's perfect.

Look, Nose, an Anchiornis!

Nose sniffs.

Is that your idea of perfection?

Yes, says Terence. The perfect parrot.

Sorry to disappoint you, says Nose.

Work on it, says Terence.

Terence, says Gaius. It takes years of evolution....

She got pink feathers in five minutes, says Terence.

That was not an evolutionary process, says Gaius.

No it wasn't, says Nose. The Monkey was sticky.

I'm not sure that's true, says Gaius. If the Monkey was sticky, your fur should have stuck to the monkey.

She lied! says Terence.

I wouldn't go that far, says Gaius. But something more went on there than we were aware of.

Griff can't hold his tongue any longer.

You lied too, says Griff. You claimed Nose was a hybrid.

That was to get us all out of a pickle, says Gaius.

Griff ponders. What would the Lord think?

Then he remembers the guidance he was given at the end of his prayers.

GO FOR IT!

Was the Lord referring to ways to get out of a pickle?

It's still a few hours to departure.

Kobo is restless.

Ageless, is there a bookshop anywhere in this airport?

Yes, my beloved, says Ageless. There is a Hudson's.

Go and get me a book, dear, says Kobo. I'd be so grateful.

Ageless scuttles off to the Hudson's.

Looks through the titles.

What would she like to read, his beloved? She is so intellectual.

His attention is attracted by Big Girl's Panties.

No way. Kobo would not like to be seen reading Big Girl's Panties.

What about Big Little Lies, by Liane Moriarty?

He can't remember whether Kobo likes Liane Moriarty.

Here's one. All the Light We Cannot See, by Anthony Doerr.

Perfect for Kobo, enclosed as she is in her clam shell....

He is about to take it when he is confronted by the shop owner.

He scuttles away, back to his party.

What did you get me? asks Kobo.

Nothing, no money, my sweetness, says Ageless.

Here, says Gaius.

Ageless is surprised. Is Gaius, against type, going to give him some money?

No he isn't. Gaius hands Ageless his own dog-eared copy of Hesiod's Works and Days.

Perfect for a little light reading, says Gaius.

E of the Devil

The plane is landing in LAX.

Gaius is wishing that for breakfast he'd just had the fruit plate.

Not the full American Wake Up breakfast: scrambled eggs, hash browns and grilled turkey ham.

He gathers his notes. Double drat! His back pack is stored in the overhead locker.

He feels in the pocket of his chinos. And draws out a thin yellow bag.

Griff is getting off before him, and being waved through, with Ageless.

Gaius is stopped by a Customs and Border Protection official.

Step aside buddy! You need to answer some questions! What's in the basket?

My parrot! says Terence.

Shut up kid, says the Customs and Border Protection official. That don't look like no parrot.

It's a specimen, says Gaius. A hybrid. I have the necessary papers.

Let's see 'em.

Papers that show who I am, and my reasons for travelling to Barbados.

You don't say.

The Customs and Border Protection official flicks through the papers.

Map of Barbados. What's that for?

Jupiter's chopsticks! says Gaius. I do have a map after all. It's for locational purposes.

Okay buddy, says the Customs and Border Protection official. Location of what exactly?

The Barbados racer, says Gaius. A snake, to the layman.

Don't be smart, Secundus, says the Customs and Border Protection official.

My name is Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius. Secundus, meaning second, has no significance on it's own.

Hear that? says Terence. It doesn't mean anything if you come second.

Shut the kid up, says the Customs and Border official. Show me that yellow bag. What's the back to front E for?

E of the devil, says Terence.

Yeah? A Muslim code word more likely, says the official.

His hand hovers over his gun.

EL, with the E backwards. That could be a trigger.

REBEL Sports, says Gaius. It's where I bought my new head warmer.

Where is it?

I didn't think I would need it in Barbados.

Griff has turned back.

Is there a problem?

Step away, buddy!

I hope you have a good reason for detaining my colleague, says Griff.

Your colleague?

The well known natural historian, Pliny the Elder.

What the fuck? Pliny the Elder!

Indeed. This is he.

That's that beer they make here in Santa Rosa! Pliny the Elder. That's you?

Quite possibly, says Gaius. Or vice versa. To be honest, I'm feeling a little queasy.

It was that grilled turkey ham, says Griff. You shouldn't have had it.

Burrrp! Gaius burps up a smell of old turkey.

Best damn turkey ham in the country, says the Customs and Border official. Okay. Pass on through.

Thank you, officer, says Gaius. And good job for finding my map.

It's my pleasure, sir. Have a nice day, sir, says the Customs and Border Protection official

Wake Up Blood Sister

On board the American Airlines flight from Sydney to LAX.

Ageless has slipped into the basket with Kobo.

Nose is on Terence's lap.

Terence is sitting between Griff and Gaius.

Gaius is sorting his notes.

I could swear I had a map of Barbados, says Gaius.

Not allowed to, says Terence.

What's that? says Gaius.

Swear, says Terence. No one's allowed to.

It's not the same thing, says Gaius. By swearing I mean attesting.

Terence hopes to remember this useful piece of information.

There was an excellent map in my Natural History of Barbados, says Griff. It was done by Thomas Jeffries, mapmaker to King George the Third.

What use is that? says Gaius. Have you brought it with you?

No, of course not, says Griff. But I believe I could reproduce it, give or take a few details.

Here is a sheet of paper, says Gaius. And you have the pencils.

No, you have the pencils, says Griff.

I do not have the pencils, says Gaius. Drat! Why am I always without pencils?

So a map is not drawn.

But it is dinner time. The trolley comes past.

Gaius chooses the Black Bean and Corn Quinoa Salad with Grilled Chicken Breast.

Griff chooses Roast Sirloin Steak with Red Wine Sauce, and Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes and Broccoli.

And what about the little fellow? asks the flight attendant.

Red Wine Sauce, says Terence.

I don't think so, says the flight attendant. How about Whitefish with Sautéed Green Beans?

RED SAUCE!, says Terence.

No, frowns the flight attendant. Not an option.

Bum head! says Terence.

Terence! says Griff.

Just testing, says Terence.

Attesting, says Nose.

Thank you, blood sister, says Terence, patting her feathers.

Bring him a non-alcoholic red drink, says Gaius. What's on the drinks list?

Tomato Juice, Cranberry Apple, or Mr and Mrs T's Bloody Mary Mix, says the flight attendant.

The last one, says Terence.

Wouldn't you know it.

The flight proceeds towards LAX, through the night, until it is Snack Time.

Quattro Formaggio Flatbread Pizza, and Salted Caramel Gelato.

And the plane keeps on going........

Zzzzzzz. Terence can't sleep. Maybe it's the Bloody Mary Mixture. Maybe it's that he doesn't do sleeping.

Terence whispers to Nose.

Wake up, blood sister.

Waaaat?

Let's climb down and spy on Ageless and Kobo.

What if they're kissing?

Terence and Nose clamber down.

Now they are next to the basket.

They hear Kobo's soft murmur:

mmm...mmm...to run on white sands hand in hand with another.....mmm....to sip colourful drinks with paper umbrellas....to roll in green jelly.....mmmm....ah...ah....oh...ageless stop it.....

It must be a dream she is having.

Ageless is snoring.

A Darker Fear

The plane lands in Sydney.

Griff appears to be sleeping.

Gaius reaches past Terence to poke him.

Let me poke him, says Terence.

Go for it, says Gaius.

Terence pokes Griff hard, in the ribs.

Griff looks startled, as anyone would do, in the circumstances.

For two hours he has been praying for guidance.

A voice has come and gone in his head.

He has only partly heard what it is saying.

But the last words were clear. GO FOR IT!

Gaius unbuckles Terence's seat belt and picks up the basket.

Nose is lying inside.

Next to Nose is a pink fuzzy monkey.

Hey, says a little girl, leaning over the back of the seat in front of Terence.

That's my Monkey.

Dear me, says Gaius. I don't know how that could have happened.

Anika! says the little girl's mother. Did you put Monkey in the gentleman's basket?

Yes, says Anika. Now Monkey wants to come back.

No, he doesn't, says Terence.

Yes he does, says Gaius, attempting to pick up the Monkey.

It seems to be stuck.

He pulls at the Monkey.

Ouch! says Nose. That Monkey was sticky.

Some of Monkey's pink fuzz has come off on Nose. Monkey has a bald patch.

Too bad, Anika, says Anika's mum. Hurry up. We have to get off the plane now.

We all do, says Gaius. Hurry up, Terence.

But Terence is staring at Nose.

Look, says Terence. Feathers.

My first feathers, says Nose. Monkey fuzz feathers. I told you the monkey was sticky.

It must have been you that was sticky, says Gaius.

Griff wonders if he is still dreaming. Or if his prayer has been answered in a mysterious way.

......

They head for the International departure lounge, to wait for their LA connection.

Ageless and Kobo are already there.

Ageless! says Terence. Look at my parrot.

Ageless looks at Nose, without really looking.

He has a dilemma.

Kobo is unhappy in the yellow plastic carry bag.

Gaius, says Ageless. Can you see anything wrong with this carry bag?

No, says Gaius. It's perfectly good. I acquired it from Rebel Sports, when I bought a new head warmer.

Ha ha, laughs Griff. You bought a new head warmer.

It was on special, says Gaius.

Kobo is anxious about travelling to LA inside it, says Ageless. But she doesn't know why.

I know, says Terence. It's yellow.

No, a darker fear, says Kobo.

The black writing? says Terence.

REBEL, says Gaius. It's perfectly fine.

The second E is back to front, observes Griff. That means something.

The E of the devil, I suppose, says Gaius.

Is it? says Kobo. Why did nobody tell me?

It was a joke, says Gaius. But if you're anxious, travel in the basket, with Nose.

Ditch the bag, says Kobo.

No, says Gaius. It may come in useful.

The Flying Happens

Guess what? says Terence.

You're going to Barbados, says Baby Pierre. And Nose is going.

I know, says Terence.

I don't, says Nose. Where is Barbados?

In the ocean, says Baby Pierre. Ageless and Kobo are there already.

I can't swim, says Nose.

Me either, says Terence. We'll be flying.

I can't fly, says Nose.

You're an idiot, says Terence. You just have to sit down. The flying happens.

I can't go anyway, says Nose. I'm endangered. I have to stay here. What if there aren't any blackberries?

There will be, says Terence.

In the ocean, says Nose. I don't think so.

It's an island, says Baby Pierre.

My parrot came from an island, says Terence.

I thought you'd forgotten your parrot, says Baby Pierre.

I have, says Terence. But I still have the memory.

That doesn't make sense, says Baby Pierre.

Do you like parrots? asks Nose.

I LOVE parrots, says Terence. If you were a parrot, I would love you. And you could be my blood brother.

Sister, says Nose.

Gaius comes into the kitchen.

We have a problem.

What is it? asks Baby Pierre.

The bandicoot, says Gaius. It's protected. It may not be able to leave the country.

It isn't a bandicoot, says Terence. It might be a parrot.

Nonsense, says Gaius. Anyone can see it's a bandicoot.

I want to come, says Nose. I want to be Terence's sister.

Blood sister, says Terence. You have to give me a claw.

And what does she get? asks Baby Pierre.

Later, says Terence. Something always falls off me.

This is ridiculous, says Gaius. I've called Arthur, but he's not answering his phone.

Griff has followed Gaius into the kitchen.

Shouldn't we be leaving?

Yes, says Gaius. As soon as we've dealt with the problem.

No time, says Griff. We must get to the airport.

Gaius thinks quickly.

......

At the airport.

Time for boarding.

Griff walks up the steps with his carry on luggage. Gaius follows, with Terence, and a basket.

The flight attendant bends down charmingly to Terence.

Hello there, little fellow, what have we got in the basket?

A parrot, says Terence.

How cute, smiles the flight attendant. Will he be staying in the basket?

It's a girl parrot, says Terence.

What a long nose she has for a parrot, says the flight attendant. You're a lucky little boy. She looks almost real. May I pat her?

No, says Terence. She's growing new feathers.

The flight attendant looks at Gaius.

What a lovely imagination your little boy has!

Hm, says Gaius. We seem to be holding people up here.

Of course sir, seats 18A and B, on the right.

They join Griff, who is already seated, his seat belt done up.

Terence has to sit in the middle.

Put the basket under the seat in front of you, says Gaius.

I can't, says Terence.

I'll do it, says Griff.

He snatches the basket from Terence.

He peers in at Nose, who isn't a parrot.

He has a bad feeling. The Lord is not happy with this type of deception.

He kicks the basket under the seat in front of the unholy infant.

He closes his eyes, and prays for guidance.

Guidance which is forthcoming.

Clik Clik Sweet Lips

Ageless finds his seat on the plane. He tucks himself underneath it.

Is it a window seat? asks Kobo, from inside the bag.

No, sweet lips, says Ageless. You should have asked me if you wanted a window seat.

Are there clouds? asks Kobo.

O yes, says Ageless. But we have not taken off yet.

A heavy person squeezes past Ageless, and sits in the window seat.

I sense dark patches, says Kobo.

Clik,,,,clik,,,, says Ageless. Did you pack a skimpy swimsuit?

I shiver when you say clik,,,, clik,,,, says Kobo. Especially with commas. And no, I didn't.

The heavy person hears something clicking, under the middle seat.

He leans down and pulls out the yellow plastic carry bag.

He calls the flight attendant over.

Yes sir, what is it?

Do you people call this a life jacket?

No sir. Your life jacket is located under your seat, sir.

I hope it's more substantial than this one.

I'll take it away, sir.

No! cries Ageless. It's my life jacket!

Good lord! says the heavy man. It's a lobster.

And I paid for my seat, says Ageless.

That's correct sir, says the flight attendant. But not for the next one.

She holds up the carry bag.

Hm. Is there something in it?

She peers in. It's a fossilised clam!

It's my own beloved, says Ageless. We're off to Barbados.

Let's get her out then, says the flight attendant. She can share your seat. Will she be needing a baby seat belt?

No, snaps Kobo. I will NOT need a baby seat belt.

Barbados, says the flight attendant. How WONDERFUL! But hey, are you flying via LA and Miami?

What of it? says Ageless.

I'd ditch the yellow carry bag, says the flight attendant. Just saying.

She heads back down the aisle to arm doors and be seated for takeoff.

Ageless is pressed next to Kobo. Clik,,,, clik,,,,

The yellow carry bag lies flat on the middle seat, beside them.

The heavy man is glancing sideways at the carry bag that had better be ditched before Los Angeles.

But he can't work out the reason.

The Perils Of Flying

We cannot take a knife on a plane, says Gaius. That is why I asked for a pencil.

Griff puts down the knife. He had picked it up inadvertently.

He looks for a pencil.

Arthur would have found a way to secrete a knife, says Gaius. But we need not try to emulate Arthur.

Griff looks in the pantry.

On a high shelf in a corner, is a zip top pencil case.

He lifts it down. Opens it. A smell of wood shavings drifts out.

Pencils, says Griff.

Excellent, says Gaius. Just drop the case into my back pack. Now what else do we.....?

Is the lobster coming with us to Barbados? asks Griff.

Ageless? He and Kobo have already left for the airport, says Gaius. An enterprising pair. Kobo wanted to go in a handbag, but, of course ....

You couldn't find a handbag, says Griff.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. I don't own a handbag. But he couldn't carry her. So I lent them a thin plastic carry bag I had in the pantry.

Very good, says Griff, so we travel alone, you and I?

Not exactly, says Gaius. It seems I've been landed with Terence...

The unholy infant is coming? Griff can't believe it!

Whose is he? asks Griff.

Strictly speaking, no one's, says Gaius. No, I tell a lie. One could say he belongs to Sweezus.

Who is Sweezus? asks Griff.

Best I don't tell you, says Gaius. Let me just say, Terence fell from the Sagrada Familia into the arms of Sweezus and they are inseparable.

Inseparable, eh? says Griff. Where is this Sweezus?

Probably off surfing with Arthur, says Gaius. Or interviewing a philosopher. Or in a café, drinking that ridiculous cold drip coffee he favours.....

Inseparable, says Griff. I don't quite grasp it.

Perhaps it was not the right word, says Gaius. But Terence believes he will grow up to be Sweezus. Sweezus fears the same, and therefore tends to avoid him.

All right, says Griff. And the bandicoot?

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. I had forgotten her.

Griff envisions the party expanding in horrible ways.

........

Ageless has arrived at the airport, with Kobo in the thin plastic carry bag.

Ageless, dear? says Kobo.

Yes, my beloved? answers Ageless.

Why does everything seem yellow? Is it the sunshine? asks Kobo.

No, precious, says Ageless. It's not the sunshine. The bag you are inside is yellow.

Yellow, that's nice, says Kobo. Where did it come from?

Why are you asking me now? says Ageless. (They are boarding a flight to Sydney).

Lunch? smiles the Jetstar attendant.

Ageless slaps the bag carelessly, as you would, if it contained a sandwich.

Prick! mutters the sandwich.

Unspecified Misbehaviours

Griff launches into part two of his lecture.

And as for Saint Joseph, he is a man who loves nature, says Griff.

He isn't, says Terence. He hates me,

Being formed of cement, you are not strictly part of nature, says Griff.

I win, says Terence. That means I can say what I like.

Does it? asks Baby Pierre.

No, says Griff. It means he must be defeated.

Hear that? says Baby Pierre. You must be defeated.

I'm telling Grandpa, says Terence.

And what do you suppose he would say? says Griff grimly.

Terence has no idea what grandpa would say. Something about a meeting. But what if he asked him for something? A red drink. It's possible he might say yes.

Yes, says Terence.

Ha ha, laughs Baby Pierre. You just said that Grandpa would agree that you must be defeated.

Griff admires Baby Pierre's way of thinking.

He could never have come up with that. The unholy infant had replied Yes, which was the wrong answer. Yet Baby Pierre had managed to turn it to Griff's advantage.

He finds himself looking kindly at Baby Pierre.

What? says Baby Pierre, seeing Griff looking kindly.

I like your way of thinking, says Griff.

I don't, says Terence. Only Grandpa's. When are you going?

I'm not going, says Griff. Not till you are defeated.

Okay, I'm defeated, says Terence. Goodbye, loser.

Griff decides to retreat now. Would it be winning?

It's hard being a Reverend. And now here he is, about to return to Barbados, where his congregation rejected him for unspecified misbehaviours....

He returns to the kitchen.

Gaius is searching for pencils.

I may not come to Barbados, says Griff.

Nonsense says Gaius. You'll be invaluable. Not as invaluable as Arthur, but here's a test for you. Help me find a pencil.

Griff picks up a knife.

I did say a pencil, says Gaius.

Grandpa Marx Or Evil Saint Joseph?

Terence is talking to Nose, in the kitchen.

I used to live in a palace, says Terence. I had a parrot.

What kind of parrot? asks Nose.

A pigeon, says Baby Pierre.

A pigeon isn't a parrot, says Nose.

Do you think you know better than Terence? asks Lavender.

Yes, says Nose. I used to live in the country. We learned about nature.

My palace had nature, says Terence. Saint Joseph hated the nature.

Of all moments, Griff chooses this to come in.

HA! says Griff. Caught you out in a blasphemy! Sit down, young man.

Okay, says Terence. He sits.

Griff hardly knows where to begin.

Karl Marx aka Grandpa, or Evil Saint Joseph?

He makes a quick calculation.

God pips Saint Joseph.

Assuming you believe yourself to be a cement version of the infant Jesus, says Griff.

No, says Terence.

I have not finished my sentence, says Griff.

Can we listen? asks Lavender.

Certainly, says Griff. Where are you?

She's there, says Baby Pierre. You just can't see her.

Can Nose listen? asks Lavender.

Yes, says Griff. Now, be silent. Terence, do you believe God is your father?

The cement one, says Baby Pierre.

No, not the cement one, says Griff. He would be what we call a false idol.

Okay, says Terence. And is there a parrot?

What do you mean by a parrot? asks Griff.

DOES HE HAVE A PARROT? asks Terence. For taking messages.

Let us stick to the logical argument, says Griff. Forget the parrot.

Wah! says Terence. I've forgotten the parrot!

Remember the balloon one? asks Baby Pierre.

It popped, says Terence.

Silence! says Griff. The point I am trying to make is, God is your father.

And all the air flew out, says Terence. It went all floppy.

I'm listening, says Nose.

At least someone is, says Griff. You understand, do you, a bandicoot?

Yes, says Nose. Karl Marx must be Terence's daddy.

Father, says Griff. And of course, he isn't. But yes, you have understood. MARX CANNOT BE TERENCE'S GRANDPA!

Ha ha, laughs Lavender.

Shut up Lavender, says Baby Pierre.

Don't worry, says Terence. My Grandpa is smarter than this guy.

Metaphysical Nonsense

It is remarkable, Ageless's transformation.

He jumps out of the bath tub.

He is resplendent.

His carapace gleams darkly. His dominant claw flashes with menace.

Ageless! says Gaius. You've finished moulting. Off you go. Kobo is waiting.

Ageless swaggers into the kitchen, to find his beloved.

Gaius looks down at the floor, which is flooded.

And the bath, containing the apple.

At Terence, who is spluttering.

At Baby Pierre, who is staring at Griffith Hughes accusingly

And at Griffith Hughes,who looks smug.

He tried to kill Terence! says Baby Pierre.

Impossible, says Gaius.

He TRIED, says Terence. That's not impossible. And now he's SMILING.

I am not smiling, says Griffith Hughes.

I can see you're not smiling, says Gaius. What did you think of the apple?

I was tempted, says Griff. But I came to my senses. What is this unholy infant doing in your house?

Is it the claw? asks Gaius. I assure you it's perfectly natural for a young person like Terence to have a blood brother. It's generally a parrot. In this case it was a baby bristlebird. Whatever happened to him, Terence?

I don't know! wails Terence.

Now Terence is crying, says Baby Pierre.

Go and show him the bandicoot, says David.

Baby Pierre takes Terence down to the kitchen to find Lavender, and Nose.

No thanks, says Griff.

Do you refer to the apple? says Gaius. I didn't expect you to eat one that fell in the bath.

I get no thanks, says Griff. The usual story.

What did you do, besides try to drown Terence? asks David.

Startled Ageless out of his funk, says Griff. Created a diversion.

Well done, says Gaius. If that was your motivation. I rather think that it wasn't.

We know you Christians, says David.

That reminds me, says Griff. Does the infant really believe Karl Marx is his grandpa?

One might ask Marx the same question, says Gaius.

He behaves like a grandpa, says David. He bought Terence a Peruvian hat. On the other hand, he lost him in Melbourne.

Where Terence lost the hat, says Gaius

Enough of this metaphysical nonsense! says Griffith. Remind me to give Terence a lecture before we leave for Barbados.

You're actually going? says David. Well done. I was speaking to mother this morning. She has an address for you in Barbados. Butterfly and Fish's parents are staying at the President's Club. You must look them up.

We shall be busy looking for endangered species, says Gaius. The Atlantic Goliath Grouper, the Eskimo Curlew, the Smalltooth Sawfish, the Barbados racer.....I doubt we'll have time for luxurious consumption.

Griff thinks that he may find the time.
   

Logic Of A Trickster

Now, says Gaius. Take this into the bathroom, and give it to the man. Tell him it's green.

It was red, says Terence.

It was pink, says David.

Now it's white, says Terence.

Tell him it was a green one, says Gaius.

Terence heads for the bathroom.

The Reverend Griffith Hughes looks up.

He is taken aback for a moment.

It's the infant Jesus holding an apple! A vision!

He falls to his knees.

This is a green one, says Terence.

You ning-nong, says Baby Pierre. What does that mean?

I don't know, says Terence.

My deliverer! cries Griff, ignoring the colour.

See. He knows, says Terence. Gaius said you had to eat this.

And what do YOU say? asks Griff humbly.

I say, it used to be red, says Terence. David says red is pink. Gaius says green. It only looks white because Gaius is an idiot.

White is the colour of purity, says Griff. I accept it. Give me the apple.

Terence throws him the apple. It lands in the bath, next to Ageless.

It is at this point that Griff sees the infant has a claw instead of a finger.

.......

In the kitchen, Gaius is explaining his jape to David Hume.

Griff claims he only eats green ones, says Gaius. Let's see if he can tell the difference.

How shall we know? asks David.

If he eats it, says Gaius, it means he can't tell the difference.

Not necessarily, says David, unused to the logic of a trickster.

They tiptoe to the bathroom.

Just in time!

Griff is forcing Terence's head under the water.

Terence is struggling and shouting:

My blood brother's got my finger. This is his claw!

It's TRUE, says Baby Pierre. It's a bristlebird claw .

Griff is in no mood to look closely at a sign of the devil.

He puts extra pressure on Terence's head.

Save him, Ageless! cries Baby Pierre.

And Ageless rises to the occasion.

Stop this! says Ageless. You win. I have finished moulting. I am ready to come out now. No, leave the apple. When do we leave for Barbados?