Stuck With Pineapple

Pile into the car, says Sweezus. We'll go there together.

What about the bikes? asks Gaius.

Lock 'em to a bollard, says Sweezus. 

Do we have locks? asks Kant.

No, says Gaius. It looks like we'll have to ride there. 

Hide them behind the kiosk, says Sweezus. They'll be okay.

What about my sample of Mickey Moto? asks Terence. And my rabbit thermometer?

Give them here, says Sweezus. Let's get going.

They pile into the car.

My suitcase! says Kant, seeing it on the back seat. 

Yeah, sorry about that, says Sweezus. What was in it? Anything important?

His underpants, says Terence. But Gaius bought him new ones.

And my Critique, says Kant. I brought it to show you.

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll have a squizz later.

They drive to the Goolwa Hotel.

It is lively and buzzing with locals.

This looks welcoming, says Kant. I'm looking forward to my snitty.

Schnitty, says Sweezus. 

My schnitty, says Kant.

They go in, sit down and look at the menu.

I'll get the Beef Aussie Schnitty, says Sweezus.

I'll have the Kilpatrick, says Arthur. Schnitty with oysters.

Me too, says Gaius. I like the sound of that.

Which leaves Kant.

What will he choose?

He normally, in a restaurant, chooses a starter. Hmm. Seafood cocktail. That sounds nice. But the others are not ordering starters. He looks at the schnitty list. Chicken or beef, with Gravy, Mushroom, Dianne, Pepper, Satay. OR: Chicken or beef with Parmigiana, Hawaiian, Aussie or Kilpatrick. 

A picture forms in his head, of himself ordering a Chicken Hawaiian Schnitty.

Should he do it?

He does.

You sure? asks Sweezus. Hawaiian? That'll come with pineapple.

Kant hadn't realised that. He had been thinking along the lines of those gay little paper umbrellas. 

Pineapple! But he's stuck with it now.

What A Schnitty Is

Now for something to eat, says Gaius.

And drink, says Terence.

Gaius hands Terence the red drink he bought from the kiosk.

Is it red? asks Terence.

It was last time I looked, says Gaius. 

It looks brown, says Terence.

It's growing dark, says Gaius. Red often looks brown in the evening.

A matter of perception, says Kant

What flavour is it? asks Terence.

See if you can read it, says Gaius.

Terence looks at the label.

Pee, says Terence.

Kant stifles a laugh.

The first letter is P, says Gaius. What comes next?

O, says Terence,

That should be enough information, says Gaius. What do you think it is?

Po-werade! says Terence.

Well done, says Gaius. 

Is Powerade a flavour? asks Kant.

They tend to all taste the same, says Gaius.

Does that mean I could have a brown one? asks Terence.

I don't think they make a brown one, says Gaius.

I wonder why not? wonders Kant. 

Gaius hands Kant a banana.

Shouldn't we have the cheese first? asks Kant.

That would be preferable, says Gaius. But I don't have a knife.

Cut it with a stick, says Terence.

No I thought we'd wait for Arthur, says Gaius. He has a knife. 

When do you think they'll be coming? asks Kant.

Any moment now, says Gaius. 

He bites down on a grape.

The sea roars in the darkness. Reeeoooor! Reeeooor! Reeeoooor!

A light flashes in the car park. 

Sweezus and Arthur come down onto the sand.

You guys! says Sweezus. You're not thinking of sleeping out here?

We are, says Gaius.

We're heading to the pub, says Sweezus. Wanna come with us? 

We have all we need here, says Gaius.

Except for a knife, Kant reminds him.

Arthur pulls a knife from the depths of his pocket.

We could, like, do the interview, says Sweezus. While we're eating a schnitty.

And what is a schnitty? asks Kant.

You should know, says Sweezus. Didn't you Germans invent them?

Some kind of peasant sausage? asks Kant. I wouldn't know. I'm a Prussian.

Remind me to write that down, says Sweezus. Details like that make a difference.

Tell him what a schnitty is, says Arthur.

Oh yeah, says Sweezus. Well you get a cut of meat like beef or chicken and you bash it flat as, then you crumb it and fry it and like, add a topping like napolitana or whatevs. You coming?

Count me in, says Kant.

What about our cheese? asks Gaius.

Bring it, says Sweezus.

What about my drink? says Terence.

Bring it, says Sweezus. What is it?  It looks kind of brown.

Beer, says Terence. 

Okay bring your beer little buddy, says Sweezus.

And you'll see it turn red again, says Kant.

What a spoiler.

The Merits Of Parts

Terence drops a third piece of Gloopy into a hole.

A skate has died, says Terence. He died escaping. To show he was bold.

Indeed, says Gaius. His action was bold. 

He won't escape this time, says Kant.

They look down at the third piece of Gloopy.

Terence picks up a handful of sand.

There are still three more pieces, says Gaius.

I know, says Terence.  But this was a good one.

He sprinkles the sand.

How do you distinguish the merits of the various parts? asks Kant.

What? asks Terence.

You said this was a good one, says Gaius. 

My poem was a good one, says Terence.

Ah, says Gaius. It certainly was. Shall we move on to the next one?

Terence picks up the fourth part of Gloopy and drops it into a hole.

A skate has died, says Terence. After he died, he was a famous actor.

I heard he fell out of a tree in a vinegar bottle, says Kant. I suppose it was all in the timing.

As accidents often are, says Gaius. He was there as part of the scenery.

And fame swiftly followed, says Kant.

Chaos followed, says Gaius. 

Can I do the next one? asks Terence.

Yes, do the next one, says Gaius. 

A skate has died, says Terence. He was in the wrong bin. Until he was saved by a beautiful lady.

Is that true? asks Kant.

It was Belle, says Gaius. Have you met her?

Vello's adopted daughter? asks Kant. 

The same, says Gaius. She did get Gloopy out of the bin. But it was she who dropped him in in the first place.

I didn't want to say that, says Terence.

Yes, no need to say it, says Gaius.

Last piece, says Kant.

Terence picks up the last piece, which is the tail with the claspers.

A skate has died, says Terence. It was me who left him behind on the bus. Which is why he got smelly and cut into pieces. 

May he rest in pieces, says Kant.

Gaius gives Kant a sharp look. This is no time to be funny.

Rest in pieces, Gloopy, says Terence. 

Obviously, he hasn't realised it's funny.

Dead And In Pieces

Gaius and Kant arrive in Goolwa.

I suggest we head straight for the beach, says Gaius. Bury Gloopy, watch the sunset, eat our  provisions then find somewhere to sleep in the sand hills. 

What about water? says Kant.

There's a kiosk, says Gaius. It should still be open.

They take the beach turn-off and soon arrive at the car park.

The kiosk is closing.

I'll just see if they'll sell us some water, says Gaius. You mind my bike.

He runs across to the kiosk.

Closing already? says Gaius.

Business is quiet, says the kiosk guy.

I can understand that, says Gaius. The karenia mikimotoi must be putting people off. 

You said it, says the kiosk guy. 

Any chance of me buying some water? asks Gaius.

Sure, says the kiosk guy, indicating the drinks fridge.

I'l take two bottles of springwater and a red drink, says Gaius.

He pays for the drinks, and goes back to Kant and Terence.

Now can we bury Gloopy? asks Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. That's our top priority.

They wheel their bikes onto the sand.

You choose the spot, says Gaius.

There, says Terence, indicating a spot. And there and there.

Are we burying the pieces separately? asks Kant. Shouldn't we try to keep them together?

I would have thought so, says Gaius. 

If I were dead and in pieces, says Kant, I should like to think someone went to the trouble of burying me as a whole person.

At what point would you be thinking that? asks Gaius.

Kant sees this as a frivolous question, so does not answer.

Terence tips the six pieces of Gloopy onto the sand. 

Gloopy wants me to bury him in different places, says Terence. Because he smells bad.

I had not considered that, says Gaius. 

Nor had I, says Kant. But it makes sense. Let us mark out six separate grave sites.

They help Terence mark out the grave sites.

Then all three start digging.

I'll say a poem for each one, says Terence.

Six poems! says Gaius. Can you compose six at short notice?

I don't COMPOSE, says Terence. I just make them up.

At last the six holes are ready.

Terence places the first piece of Gloopy into a hole.

A skate has died, says Terence. But he didn't die here. He died in Tasmania. 

Short but sweet, says Gaius.

It's not finished, says Terence.

You've got five more to go, says Gaius. I suggest you call that one done.

Okay, says Terence.

He drops the next piece of Gloopy into the second hole.

A skate has died, says Terence. But that did not stop him.

Very nicely put, says Gaius. Not many of us can say that.

Nicely put. Terence is encouraged.

What It Once Looked Like

The police car passes the cyclists and stops at the side of the road.

Victor gets out.

Stop! says Victor, holding one hand up.

Gaius and Kant stop. 

Have they been speeding?

I have something for you, says Victor.

What might that be? asks Gaius.

Your lost property, says Victor.

That was fast, says Gaius. 

I received Mr Surfing-with-Whales's statement just over an hour ago, says Victor. All was in order. So I contacted my colleagues in Adelaide, who swiftly released your lost item.

Wonderful, says Gaius. But how did it get here so soon?

Special courier, says Victor. 

Did you hear that Terence? says Gaius. A special courier delivered your Gloopy.

I think they were glad to get rid of it, says Victor.

Where is Gloopy? asks Terence.

In the police car, says Victor. Wait here.

He walks back to the passenger side of the police car and opens the door.

A slight gust of wind tells the story.

Victor hands the paper bag over to Gaius, who hands it to Terence, who opens the bag, expecting to see Gloopy at least in one piece.

Ai-ee!

What is it? asks Kant. 

He's in lots of pieces! says Terence.  

So he is, says Kant, sniffing. And the pieces are in a bad way..

That is not normal, says Gaius.

What's not normal? asks Victor.

The pieces, says Gaius. 

That'll be forensics, says Victor.

Surely unnecessary, says Gaius.

Can't be helped now, says Victor. You've got it back. All that's required is a signature.

Who cut Gloopy up? asks Terence.

Someone whose job it was, says Gaius.

What a rubbish adventure, says Terence.

Sign here please, says Victor.

I have to sign it, says Terence.

Very well, says Victor. But your guardian must co-sign.

He hands Terence a pen.

Terence draws a rude picture of a bumhole.

Two ovals close together with a hole in the middle.

I assume that's a picture of what it once looked like, says Victor. 

Gaius co-signs the document under the bumhole.

Thank you, says Victor. Enjoy the rest of your day.

He gets into his police car, rolls down the windows, does a u-turn and heads back towards Victor Harbor.

Now we must decide what to do with Gloopy, says Gaius. I suggest we bury him at Goolwa.

He wonders how Terence will receive this.

Yes! says Terence.

Good. Terence is receiving it well.

Road To Sainthood

They leave Victor Harbor and head out towards Goolwa.

Curses! I forgot to buy water, says Gaius.

Shall we go back? asks Kant.

No, says Gaius. There's bound to be somewhere en route.

Therefore, onward, says Kant. Does Terence drink water?

Ask me, says Terence.

Do you drink water? asks Kant.

Only red water, says Terence.

That must be hard to come by, says Kant.

Not at all, says Gaius. There are red sports drinks, black currant and cranberry juices, and failing those, there is always red cordial.

But why red at all? asks Kant.

His system will tolerate it, says Gaius. 

I used to live on a palace, says Terence.

Which palace was that? asks Kant.

In Barcelona, says Gaius. Terence fell off it. The Sagrada Famiglia.

I've heard of it, of course, says Kant. I believe the architect is up for a sainthood.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. What next?

It might fall through now that the pope's died, says Kant.

Who died? asks Terence.

I don't think the pope dying will affect it, says Gaius.

You are probably right there, says Kant. They'll be looking for evidence of a miracle.

Two miracles, says Gaius.

What's a miracle? asks Terence.

Something that can't be explained, says Gaius. Such as when they find someone alive who's been buried for days under rubble

Does that count as a miracle? asks Kant. 

I don't see why not, says Gaius.

Do they have to be buried? asks Terence.

Why are you asking? asks Gaius.

Gloopy wasn't buried, says Terence.

But he wasn't alive when you left him behind on the bus, says Gaius.

I know, says Terence. 

If a miracle can't be explained, why does that matter?

And lo!

Here comes Victor in his police car, flashing his police lights behind them.

On the seat beside Victor is a  paper bag that contains something smelly.

 

I'll Do What You Do

They have almost reached Victor Harbor.

Shall we stop at the supermarket? asks Gaius.

What for? asks Kant.

Something for dinner, says Gaius. Then we can spend the night where we choose.

You mean camping? asks Kant. But we don't have a tent.

It's not winter, says Gaius. We can sleep on the beach if necessary.

I do like my comforts, says Kant.

Then we could hire a cabin says Gaius. 

No, no, says Kant. I'll do what you do.

They have arrived at the supermarket carpark.

You stay out here with Terence and the bikes, says Gaius. I'll go in.

Could you pick up some underpants? asks Kant. I'll reimburse you.

Certainly, says Gaius. What about socks?

Socks too, says Kant.

Gaius goes in to the Woolies.

I don't wear underpants, says Terence.

But you do have nice shorts, says Kant. What are those? Lizards?

Geckoes, says Terence.

May I ask you a question? asks Kant.

Yes, says Terence. 

What would you do with a horse? asks Kant.

That's a good question, says Terence. Can I ask you a question?

I suppose so, says Kant.

What would you do with a camel? asks Terence.

Dear me, says Kant. I shouldn't know what to do with a camel. 

Lead it, says Terence.

Is that what you'd do with a horse? asks Kant.

No, says Terence. 

Gaius comes out.

I've bought grapes and bananas, says Gaius. And a large block of cheese. And I hope these underpants will be acceptable.

Kant looks at the underpants, which are black.

Perfectly acceptable, says Kant. 

I bought size M, says Gaius. 

I usually buy a size S, says Kant. But I'm sure M will be fine.

And here are the socks, says Gaius. I bought cotton in case you have a dislike of synthetics.

Very thoughtful, says Kant. How much do I owe you?

Gaius gives him the receipt for the underpants and socks.

Pay me later, says Gaius. 

He drops the bananas, grapes and cheese into the basket, with Terence.

Phew! says Terence. 

What was that for? asks Gaius.

He's probably glad he doesn't have to sit with my underpants, says Kant. 

You show a great deal of empathy, says Gaius.

And he asks really good questions, says Terence.

Does he indeed? says Gaius. 

I asked him what he would do with a horse, says Kant.

And what did he answer? asks Gaius.

He asked me what I would do wth a camel, says Kant.

No doubt you were taken aback, says Gaius.