Gall

Speaking of bird droppings, said Pliny the Elder, I see that they are accumulating under the gumnut tree in front of your house again. I wish you would do something about them.

What do you suggest I do?

Sweep them away. They stick in my sandals every time I go in or out. And they were a cause of some embarrasment the time that Aristotle came to tea.

Did they stick in his sandals as well?

Not only that. He couldn't understand why you didn't make some use of them.

Are they useful? What for?

They are useful for manure of course. But being very hot they must be used quite sparingly. They are also useful as an unguent for the hair. They prevent the occurrence of dandruff. But you must be careful, for if bird droppings get in your eyes they can make you go blind. Should that happen I recommend the use of fish gall.

Well, fortunately I don't suffer from dandruff, so there's not much risk of me putting anything so disgusting in my hair, and accidentally getting it in my eyes, and going blind, and having to resort to using fish gall. But strangely, that reminds me of something that happened to me last night.

What was it? asked Pliny.

I was at a lecture. Everyone had to sit at circular tables. I had just put hair colour in my hair earlier in the day and my hair was still unpleasantly aromatic. In addition, they had provided us with wine and nibbles, one of which was an enormously long roll of smoked salmon, and nothing to cut it up with, and no fork, so I had to eat this neverending piece of fish with my fingers. My fingers smelled fishy all through the lecture. It was embarrassing.

Is that it? asked Pliny.

No, later on I couldn't sleep, for the hair and the fish.

Surely by then you had washed ?

Of course. By then it was in my stomach. I was lying in bed and the smoked salmon seemed to be writhing about in my gut. Then when I did get to sleep, I dreamed of bread sticks and not being able to find the butter because I was left handed.

My dear, said Pliny, looking pained. Is there any point to all of this?