Gall

Speaking of bird droppings, said Pliny the Elder, I see that they are accumulating under the gumnut tree in front of your house again. I wish you would do something about them.

What do you suggest I do?

Sweep them away. They stick in my sandals every time I go in or out. And they were a cause of some embarrasment the time that Aristotle came to tea.

Did they stick in his sandals as well?

Not only that. He couldn't understand why you didn't make some use of them.

Are they useful? What for?

They are useful for manure of course. But being very hot they must be used quite sparingly. They are also useful as an unguent for the hair. They prevent the occurrence of dandruff. But you must be careful, for if bird droppings get in your eyes they can make you go blind. Should that happen I recommend the use of fish gall.

Well, fortunately I don't suffer from dandruff, so there's not much risk of me putting anything so disgusting in my hair, and accidentally getting it in my eyes, and going blind, and having to resort to using fish gall. But strangely, that reminds me of something that happened to me last night.

What was it? asked Pliny.

I was at a lecture. Everyone had to sit at circular tables. I had just put hair colour in my hair earlier in the day and my hair was still unpleasantly aromatic. In addition, they had provided us with wine and nibbles, one of which was an enormously long roll of smoked salmon, and nothing to cut it up with, and no fork, so I had to eat this neverending piece of fish with my fingers. My fingers smelled fishy all through the lecture. It was embarrassing.

Is that it? asked Pliny.

No, later on I couldn't sleep, for the hair and the fish.

Surely by then you had washed ?

Of course. By then it was in my stomach. I was lying in bed and the smoked salmon seemed to be writhing about in my gut. Then when I did get to sleep, I dreamed of bread sticks and not being able to find the butter because I was left handed.

My dear, said Pliny, looking pained. Is there any point to all of this?

Good Thoughts

What constitutes a Good Thought, Zoroaster ? Good Words and Good Deeds are easy to define. But a Good Thought is a less obvious thing.

Having examined most of my thoughts from yesterday and today, I have to conclude that most of mine are neither Good nor Bad. Here are some random examples. " This is the first time I have ever seen a peanut butter making machine" ; " I am not going to eat this Dragonboat Dumpling"; "I'll just knit one more stripe".

But, determined to discover a Good one, I thought back to the very first thought I had on waking, which I concluded was Good on every level.

I had been dreaming text. I remembered that the last words I dreamed were: THE MOTHER'S LEGS HELPED BY ANOTHER'S FEET. This is, when you examine it, an amazing thought. Why I dreamed it I have no idea. This gives the thought the first attribute of Goodness, which is Inexplicability.

The second attribute of Goodness is Morality. This thought is about helping someone. No one would dispute that this is a Good Thing.

The third attribute of Goodness is Ambiguity. Is someone helping their mother by running an errand for her? Is mother having someone else's feet transplanted onto her legs?

The fourth attribute of Goodness is Internal Rhyming. one cannot help but notice that Mother rhymes with another. This gives a pleasing sound to the thought.

The fifth attribute of Goodness is Unusual Focus. This thought captures our imagination by keeping all the action below waist level, but not of course in a crude way.

The sixth attribute of Goodness is perhaps the most debatable. The attribute of Not Really Being a Proper Sentence. Personally, I like that in an attribute.