Everyone is on the bus back to Adelaide.
Gaius is sitting next to Violetta, with the Twitcher on his lap.
That was most satisfactory, says Gaius. We have contributed to the welfare of the cuttlefish, made some new friends, and I'm to be funded to Turkey.
Thanks to the Twitcher, says Violetta, tapping the side of the aquarium.
Twitcher sways gracefully in his salt water. Some salt water slops out.
Keep still, Twitcher, says Gaius. You're wetting my pants. You will have to behave yourself. It's a long way to Turkey.
And my lady love, says the Twitcher.
Ha ha, says Violetta. Is that what you call her? How quaint.
She has many names, says the Twitcher. The Golden Cuttlebox.....
No no, says Gaius. That's not right. Anyway I have something to tell you. You had better brace up.
What? says the Twitcher, expectantly.
We are going to Turkey, says Gaius. But we are not going to Kas. We are going to Pamukkale, and the famed Gate of Hell.
The Twitcher turns pale.
Gaius! says Violetta. Did you put that in your grant application?
Not exactly, says Gaius. I was obliged to be circumspect.
Circumspect, says Violetta. That means you lied.
I'm going to Kas, says the Twitcher. No matter what. My brother Ageless will take me.
Did my brother call me? says Ageless, from across the aisle.
No he didn't, says Gaius. There is no problem.
We're splitting, says the Twitcher. Put me next to Ageless my brother.
Go on, says Violetta. Put him down over there. Then he won't splash your pants.
Gaius reluctantly repositions the Twitcher next to Ageless.
He waves his hands over his trousers, back and forth, back and forth.
This is hardly ideal. His pants are not drying.
And Twitcher is showing some spunk.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
The Ingenuity of Women
Ouvert is still on the beach near the Wallaroo jetty. He has been there all afternoon, and all evening. He is waiting for Arthur to come back.
While he waits he whistles with one mouth and hums with the other.
The Wallaroo pebbles are irritated.
Shut up! say the Wallaroo pebbles.
Ouvert shuts up. What's happened to old fashioned pebble camaraderie?
After ten minutes he starts whistling again.
..........
Lavender isn't worried.
He'll be in Arthur's pocket, says Lavender. He'll be sleeping.
No, says Baby Pierre. We were in Arthur's pocket, remember? With the Twitcher. Ouvert wasn't there then.
Arthur has two pockets, says Lavender confidently.
ARTHUR! she calls. Where is Ouvert?
Arthur feels in his pocket. Ugh. It's still inky and slimy.
He feels in the other one.
His finger penetrates something mushy. But it's only a cucumber end, not Ouvert.
Lost him. says Arthur. Never mind, he'll turn up.
We keep losing them, says Bunny. We're not very reliable.
Don't tell Gaius, says Arthur. He thinks we are.
......
Gaius is learning all about Quillos, from the Mayor's wife.
He is fascinated by the ingenuity of women.
.........
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just skip to the next morning.
Not worry about where everyone is going to sleep.......and how Ouvert is to be found.
Let's do it.
.........
Next morning, everyone assembles at the Rotunda.
Gaius, who has already filled in his grant application in the Mayor's office.
The Twitcher, in his new portable saltwater aquarium.
Arthur and Bunny, who have slept on the beach, with Ouvert, who has been found, whistling.
Violetta, Ageless, Lavender and Baby Pierre, who have slept in the Rotunda.
And Victor, to ensure they all leave.
While he waits he whistles with one mouth and hums with the other.
The Wallaroo pebbles are irritated.
Shut up! say the Wallaroo pebbles.
Ouvert shuts up. What's happened to old fashioned pebble camaraderie?
After ten minutes he starts whistling again.
..........
Lavender isn't worried.
He'll be in Arthur's pocket, says Lavender. He'll be sleeping.
No, says Baby Pierre. We were in Arthur's pocket, remember? With the Twitcher. Ouvert wasn't there then.
Arthur has two pockets, says Lavender confidently.
ARTHUR! she calls. Where is Ouvert?
Arthur feels in his pocket. Ugh. It's still inky and slimy.
He feels in the other one.
His finger penetrates something mushy. But it's only a cucumber end, not Ouvert.
Lost him. says Arthur. Never mind, he'll turn up.
We keep losing them, says Bunny. We're not very reliable.
Don't tell Gaius, says Arthur. He thinks we are.
......
Gaius is learning all about Quillos, from the Mayor's wife.
He is fascinated by the ingenuity of women.
.........
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just skip to the next morning.
Not worry about where everyone is going to sleep.......and how Ouvert is to be found.
Let's do it.
.........
Next morning, everyone assembles at the Rotunda.
Gaius, who has already filled in his grant application in the Mayor's office.
The Twitcher, in his new portable saltwater aquarium.
Arthur and Bunny, who have slept on the beach, with Ouvert, who has been found, whistling.
Violetta, Ageless, Lavender and Baby Pierre, who have slept in the Rotunda.
And Victor, to ensure they all leave.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Trouble If Salt Is Not Salt
Uhh-huh! Uhh-huh!
Violetta comes over.
It's hyper-ventilating, says Violetta. Why's everyone standing around?
She picks up the Twitcher and drops him into the bucket.
Blub, blub, says the Twitcher, as he sinks to the bottom. Help! It's the wrong sort of salt!
Salt is salt, says Violetta. Like ink is ink.
The Twitcher rises again.
There I disagree, says the Twitcher. Is paint paint?
Good point, says Violetta. It will be fun going to Turkey with you.
Are you coming too? says the Twitcher. This is going to be costly. How is the fundraising going?
I can always find money, says Violetta. Sell a signed print or something. I can pay for myself. And Gaius is getting a grant. But I foresee trouble......
Twitcher sinks to the bottom again, without hearing the rest of the answer.
Arthur is sitting in the shadows on a low wall with Bunny.
Did you hear that, Arthur? says Bunny.
What? says Arthur. Violetta sees trouble? Tell me something I don't know. Do you want to go?
Go? says Bunny. To Turkey? Yes I do.
Where exactly? says Arthur. To Kas with the cuttlefish, or to Gaius's Gate of Hell?
I hadn't thought, says Bunny. Both, I guess. Are they close?
No, says Arthur. Nowhere near.
Gaius is talking to the Copper Coast Mayor, about funding.
Of course, says the Mayor, it's just a formality, but you'll need to fill out an application. Come to my office tomorrow.
Certainly, says Gaius. This is most unexpectedly generous. And the Wallaroo ladies are generous. Tell me, what is a Quillo?
A Quillo? says the Copper Coast Mayor. I don't know. It is something they make, I believe. I could ask my wife. Darling! Come here for a minute.
The Mayor's wife comes across.
Darling, says the Mayor, you will know this. Our guest wants to know about Quillos.
Meanwhile Lavender and Baby Pierre are sitting on another low wall in the shadows, discussing the forthcoming trip.
I'm going with Arthur, says Lavender. But only if he washes his shorts.
Me too, says Baby Pierre, I'm not going with Bunny.
But she has that book, says Lavender. Remember? About miracles and statues and things? It was so lovely sitting with her.
Baby Pierre does remember. Yes it was lovely, the three of them, sitting on the bus with Bunny, reading Lourdes. There was him, there was Lavender, there was .......OUVERT!
Lavender! cries Baby Pierre. Ouvert has gone MISSING!
Violetta comes over.
It's hyper-ventilating, says Violetta. Why's everyone standing around?
She picks up the Twitcher and drops him into the bucket.
Blub, blub, says the Twitcher, as he sinks to the bottom. Help! It's the wrong sort of salt!
Salt is salt, says Violetta. Like ink is ink.
The Twitcher rises again.
There I disagree, says the Twitcher. Is paint paint?
Good point, says Violetta. It will be fun going to Turkey with you.
Are you coming too? says the Twitcher. This is going to be costly. How is the fundraising going?
I can always find money, says Violetta. Sell a signed print or something. I can pay for myself. And Gaius is getting a grant. But I foresee trouble......
Twitcher sinks to the bottom again, without hearing the rest of the answer.
Arthur is sitting in the shadows on a low wall with Bunny.
Did you hear that, Arthur? says Bunny.
What? says Arthur. Violetta sees trouble? Tell me something I don't know. Do you want to go?
Go? says Bunny. To Turkey? Yes I do.
Where exactly? says Arthur. To Kas with the cuttlefish, or to Gaius's Gate of Hell?
I hadn't thought, says Bunny. Both, I guess. Are they close?
No, says Arthur. Nowhere near.
Gaius is talking to the Copper Coast Mayor, about funding.
Of course, says the Mayor, it's just a formality, but you'll need to fill out an application. Come to my office tomorrow.
Certainly, says Gaius. This is most unexpectedly generous. And the Wallaroo ladies are generous. Tell me, what is a Quillo?
A Quillo? says the Copper Coast Mayor. I don't know. It is something they make, I believe. I could ask my wife. Darling! Come here for a minute.
The Mayor's wife comes across.
Darling, says the Mayor, you will know this. Our guest wants to know about Quillos.
Meanwhile Lavender and Baby Pierre are sitting on another low wall in the shadows, discussing the forthcoming trip.
I'm going with Arthur, says Lavender. But only if he washes his shorts.
Me too, says Baby Pierre, I'm not going with Bunny.
But she has that book, says Lavender. Remember? About miracles and statues and things? It was so lovely sitting with her.
Baby Pierre does remember. Yes it was lovely, the three of them, sitting on the bus with Bunny, reading Lourdes. There was him, there was Lavender, there was .......OUVERT!
Lavender! cries Baby Pierre. Ouvert has gone MISSING!
What Is Worse Than A Yes?
Now the death box is back at the police station, the Twitcher has nowhere to go.
He lies flat on the pavement in a puddle of inky brown water.
We can't leave him out in the air like this, says Bunny. He should be in water.
I should be in water, says Twitcher.
Brenda runs into the Town Hall and comes back with a kettle.
Careful, says Beverley. Check the water's not hot.
Brenda sticks her finger gingerly into the kettle.
Phew, says Brenda. Lucky you said that! It's hot.
She runs back inside the Town Hall with the kettle.
Ageless sidles up to the Twitcher.
Brother, says Ageless. Seeing that you are the new Chosen One.....
Brother? says the Twitcher. What do you mean?
You are about to be funded to Turkey, says Ageless. To swan over and see your beloved, all expenses paid. Far be it from me to be jealous....
Am I? says the Twitcher, not quite keeping up.
No, no, me, says Ageless. I'm not jealous.
Am I going to Turkey? says Twitcher.
Just then Brenda comes back with a kettle of cold water, a bucket and a packet of salt.
Oh, well done, Brenda, says Beverley. You even remembered the salt.
The Twitcher is lifted into the air.
Stop! cries Ageless. It's the wrong sort of salt!
Beverley returns Twitcher to the pavement, beside Ageless.
You need a minder, says Ageless. That's what I was saying. A minder who understands you, a fellow ....errr.... sea creature..... but one who has greater wisdom due to his considerable age.....
The wrong sort of salt, says the Twitcher. How come?
You are two steps behind me, says Ageless. But the answer is, it's not sea salt.
If I was two steps behind you, says Twitcher, I would be over there.
That's not what I meant, says Ageless. But never mind that now. What I am offering you is my protection on your free trip to Turkey. I can save you from well-meaning fools.
Uhh-huh, uhh-huh, uhh-huh, says the Twitcher.
Is that a yes? enquires Ageless.
Unfortunately, it isn't. It is something much worse.
He lies flat on the pavement in a puddle of inky brown water.
We can't leave him out in the air like this, says Bunny. He should be in water.
I should be in water, says Twitcher.
Brenda runs into the Town Hall and comes back with a kettle.
Careful, says Beverley. Check the water's not hot.
Brenda sticks her finger gingerly into the kettle.
Phew, says Brenda. Lucky you said that! It's hot.
She runs back inside the Town Hall with the kettle.
Ageless sidles up to the Twitcher.
Brother, says Ageless. Seeing that you are the new Chosen One.....
Brother? says the Twitcher. What do you mean?
You are about to be funded to Turkey, says Ageless. To swan over and see your beloved, all expenses paid. Far be it from me to be jealous....
Am I? says the Twitcher, not quite keeping up.
No, no, me, says Ageless. I'm not jealous.
Am I going to Turkey? says Twitcher.
Just then Brenda comes back with a kettle of cold water, a bucket and a packet of salt.
Oh, well done, Brenda, says Beverley. You even remembered the salt.
The Twitcher is lifted into the air.
Stop! cries Ageless. It's the wrong sort of salt!
Beverley returns Twitcher to the pavement, beside Ageless.
You need a minder, says Ageless. That's what I was saying. A minder who understands you, a fellow ....errr.... sea creature..... but one who has greater wisdom due to his considerable age.....
The wrong sort of salt, says the Twitcher. How come?
You are two steps behind me, says Ageless. But the answer is, it's not sea salt.
If I was two steps behind you, says Twitcher, I would be over there.
That's not what I meant, says Ageless. But never mind that now. What I am offering you is my protection on your free trip to Turkey. I can save you from well-meaning fools.
Uhh-huh, uhh-huh, uhh-huh, says the Twitcher.
Is that a yes? enquires Ageless.
Unfortunately, it isn't. It is something much worse.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Victim And Perpetrator
Sometimes victim and perpetrator have the same agenda.
Bunny and Victor struggle over the death box.
Twitcher falls out. Plop!
Haaah! breathes the Twitcher. I'm out!
His colour begins to return.
Victor seizes the box and bears it off to the police station.
The Godfather of Cuttlefish has been standing in the shadows admiring the artwork, but he steps forward now.
Oho! says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. What have we here? A lone cuttlefish.
He picks up the Twitcher.
I'm the last one alive of my kind, says the Twitcher. At least, here.
No, you're not, says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. Your numbers are down, and you're stuffed, but you ought to get back in the water and do your duty. Don't be another one of those losers who fail to turn up.
But the Twitcher has had a vision. He had it while in the death box, faking deafness for reasons unknown, while actually listening to Arthur.
I've had a vision, says the Twitcher.
Everyone gathers around.
What's his vision?
My vision, continues the Twitcher, is of a trancendentally beautiful cuttlefish, a female goddess, red and orange in hue. She stares back at me with wide soulful eyes and she desires only me, the Twitcher. She rests in the sand off the coast of Turkey, near a pleasure resort, at Kas. The grains of the sand are transparent, and glow like jewels, red and orange, to set off her perfect complexion. It is she and only she with whom I am destined to mate. Excuse me. It's true.
Everyone is transfixed and delighted.
Twitcher MUST go to Turkey!
They will do all they can to ensure that his beautiful vision comes true.
Bunny and Victor struggle over the death box.
Twitcher falls out. Plop!
Haaah! breathes the Twitcher. I'm out!
His colour begins to return.
Victor seizes the box and bears it off to the police station.
The Godfather of Cuttlefish has been standing in the shadows admiring the artwork, but he steps forward now.
Oho! says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. What have we here? A lone cuttlefish.
He picks up the Twitcher.
I'm the last one alive of my kind, says the Twitcher. At least, here.
No, you're not, says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. Your numbers are down, and you're stuffed, but you ought to get back in the water and do your duty. Don't be another one of those losers who fail to turn up.
But the Twitcher has had a vision. He had it while in the death box, faking deafness for reasons unknown, while actually listening to Arthur.
I've had a vision, says the Twitcher.
Everyone gathers around.
What's his vision?
My vision, continues the Twitcher, is of a trancendentally beautiful cuttlefish, a female goddess, red and orange in hue. She stares back at me with wide soulful eyes and she desires only me, the Twitcher. She rests in the sand off the coast of Turkey, near a pleasure resort, at Kas. The grains of the sand are transparent, and glow like jewels, red and orange, to set off her perfect complexion. It is she and only she with whom I am destined to mate. Excuse me. It's true.
Everyone is transfixed and delighted.
Twitcher MUST go to Turkey!
They will do all they can to ensure that his beautiful vision comes true.
The God In The Machine
Violetta has not left town yet. There's no bus until morning. Leaving her backpack under a bush behind the Rotunda, she heads back to join the crowd at the Town Hall.
Aha! Here comes our artist, says Gaius.
Jeez, Gaius, says Violetta. Shut the fuck up!
Are you the ARTIST? says Brenda. Oh, Splosh! I do think your artwork is wonderful! It sends such a powerful message about the plight of the cuttlefish. You've inspired our Quillo group to start fundraising at once!
Violetta scowls, and turns to leave, but the Copper Coast Mayor looms up.
Ah, Splosh! says the Copper Coast Mayor. So glad we've caught you before you leave for Turkey.
Turkey! says Violetta! looking at Gaius. So we're going?
Yes, yes, says Gaius. It's all being arranged. Thanks to you, and to our cuttlefish friend......
Gaius indicates the Twitcher in the death box.
Violetta stares into the death box.
A dead cuttlefish? says Violetta. That's your friend?
Dead? says Gaius. I hope not. That cuttlefish is our ticket to Turkey.
He bends down.
The Twitcher is motionless. Perhaps he is holding his breath.
Pohaaaaah! Foul air escapes from Twitcher.
Awww! says Violetta. It's not dead, but it's freakin' gone off!
Victor comes over.
That box is police property, says Victor. I'm hereby seizing it back. Stand clear.
Bunny runs forward and picks up the box and the Twitcher.
I won't let you! she cries.
It has all gone a bit cactus, at this point.
Who will save Twitcher?
Will he live to broaden the gene pool?
Who will fund the expedition to Turkey?
Is there a god in the machine?
Aha! Here comes our artist, says Gaius.
Jeez, Gaius, says Violetta. Shut the fuck up!
Are you the ARTIST? says Brenda. Oh, Splosh! I do think your artwork is wonderful! It sends such a powerful message about the plight of the cuttlefish. You've inspired our Quillo group to start fundraising at once!
Violetta scowls, and turns to leave, but the Copper Coast Mayor looms up.
Ah, Splosh! says the Copper Coast Mayor. So glad we've caught you before you leave for Turkey.
Turkey! says Violetta! looking at Gaius. So we're going?
Yes, yes, says Gaius. It's all being arranged. Thanks to you, and to our cuttlefish friend......
Gaius indicates the Twitcher in the death box.
Violetta stares into the death box.
A dead cuttlefish? says Violetta. That's your friend?
Dead? says Gaius. I hope not. That cuttlefish is our ticket to Turkey.
He bends down.
The Twitcher is motionless. Perhaps he is holding his breath.
Pohaaaaah! Foul air escapes from Twitcher.
Awww! says Violetta. It's not dead, but it's freakin' gone off!
Victor comes over.
That box is police property, says Victor. I'm hereby seizing it back. Stand clear.
Bunny runs forward and picks up the box and the Twitcher.
I won't let you! she cries.
It has all gone a bit cactus, at this point.
Who will save Twitcher?
Will he live to broaden the gene pool?
Who will fund the expedition to Turkey?
Is there a god in the machine?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
How To Broaden The Gene Pool
I hear sobbing, says a Third Ager called Beverley.
Me too, says her friend Brenda. It's coming from that box.
Several Third Agers gather round the box to look in.
It's a cuttlefish! says Beverley. Outrageous! Who does this box belong to? You, young man? This is a No Take Area. Take that cuttlefish back to the sea right this minute!
She glowers at Arthur.
He won't go, says Arthur.
What nonsense, says Brenda. Cuttlefish can't have an opinion. So this is your box?
Madam, says Gaius. This box belongs to Victor, your policeman. It is a box for the storage of confiscated goods, as you see. It was stolen from the police station earlier, and found to be full of dead cuttlefish. These young people here rescued the only cuttlefish still showing signs of life. This one. They named him the Twitcher. He refuses to go back in the sea, as he fears he is the only one left of his kind. Therefore he has made up his mind to come with us to Turkey.
Beverley and Brenda and the other Third Agers are gobsmacked. But only for a moment.
How wonderful! says Beverley. Turkey!
She bends down to poke at the Twitcher.
Oooh! says the Twitcher. Am I in Turkey?
No sweetheart, says Beverley kindly, but you will be there soon. These kind people are taking you there.
Madam, if only that were so, says Gaius. But it is a matter of funding.
Funding! says Beverley, looking at Brenda.
Brenda nods sagely.
We country women, says Brenda, know all about funding. How much do you need?
Several thousands, says Gaius vaguely, but there is no need......
Yes there is! says Bunny. It would be amazing of you ladies to help us. Poor little Twitcher wants to go to Turkey so badly.
Why, as a matter of interest? asks Beverley.
Oh......, says Bunny
There are cuttlefish there, says Arthur. Special, orange and red ones. He wants to broaden the gene pool.
Arthur, says Gaius. I believe you are making that up.
Me too, says her friend Brenda. It's coming from that box.
Several Third Agers gather round the box to look in.
It's a cuttlefish! says Beverley. Outrageous! Who does this box belong to? You, young man? This is a No Take Area. Take that cuttlefish back to the sea right this minute!
She glowers at Arthur.
He won't go, says Arthur.
What nonsense, says Brenda. Cuttlefish can't have an opinion. So this is your box?
Madam, says Gaius. This box belongs to Victor, your policeman. It is a box for the storage of confiscated goods, as you see. It was stolen from the police station earlier, and found to be full of dead cuttlefish. These young people here rescued the only cuttlefish still showing signs of life. This one. They named him the Twitcher. He refuses to go back in the sea, as he fears he is the only one left of his kind. Therefore he has made up his mind to come with us to Turkey.
Beverley and Brenda and the other Third Agers are gobsmacked. But only for a moment.
How wonderful! says Beverley. Turkey!
She bends down to poke at the Twitcher.
Oooh! says the Twitcher. Am I in Turkey?
No sweetheart, says Beverley kindly, but you will be there soon. These kind people are taking you there.
Madam, if only that were so, says Gaius. But it is a matter of funding.
Funding! says Beverley, looking at Brenda.
Brenda nods sagely.
We country women, says Brenda, know all about funding. How much do you need?
Several thousands, says Gaius vaguely, but there is no need......
Yes there is! says Bunny. It would be amazing of you ladies to help us. Poor little Twitcher wants to go to Turkey so badly.
Why, as a matter of interest? asks Beverley.
Oh......, says Bunny
There are cuttlefish there, says Arthur. Special, orange and red ones. He wants to broaden the gene pool.
Arthur, says Gaius. I believe you are making that up.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
There May Be Money In It
The little party heads off towards town, Gaius in the lead.
Bunny and Arthur carry the death box, with Twitcher inside.
Ageless scrapes along in the rear, with Lavender and Baby Pierre.
You three want a ride? says Arthur, looking back. There's plenty of room in the box.
No way! says Lavender. It's stinky.
Stinky and inky! says Baby Pierre.
And there's a loser inside, mutters Ageless. Catch us getting in there.
Oh, groans the Twitcher. I'm lonely. It's stinky and inky. How far to Turkey?
Shoosh, says Bunny. We're not going there yet.
Is HE going? says Ageless. Nobody told me he's going.
Gaius turns around.
No one's going until we've got funding, says Gaius. I need to work something out
Let's just go, says Arthur. That's what I do.
You live a charmed life, says Gaius. Someone always pays for your ticket. We aren't all so lucky.
Apply for a study grant, says Bunny. You would get it. You're famous, remember.
Gaius thinks about applying for a study grant, to visit the Gate of Hell. How would he pitch it?
They reach the Town Hall. The crowds from the lecture have still not dispersed. They are standing in groups snapping the cuttlefish street art with their i-phones and posting the photos to Facebook.
The Copper Coast Mayor is surrounded by Third Agers eager to praise his initiative.
Yes, yes, he is saying. I know Splosh! personally. We hope to persuade her to do more. Has anyone seen her this evening? Ah, Gaius! Here you are! Where is your artistic friend?
Artistic friend? says Gaius.
She has to remain anonymous, says Bunny. And she's going to Turkey. Probably already left.
What a pity, says the Mayor. We would like to give her a commission.
That's right, says Victor, coming up suddenly. A commission. That's what we'd like to give her.
Victor, says the Mayor. That sounded quite menacing.
Sorry? says Victor. Are we now in favour of graffiti or street art or whatever you call it?
One must move with the times, says the Mayor, loudly. If it helps to raise the town's profile and save the endangered cuttlefish, then why not indeed?
There is a smattering of Third Age applause.
A faint sobbing escapes from the death box.
Bunny and Arthur carry the death box, with Twitcher inside.
Ageless scrapes along in the rear, with Lavender and Baby Pierre.
You three want a ride? says Arthur, looking back. There's plenty of room in the box.
No way! says Lavender. It's stinky.
Stinky and inky! says Baby Pierre.
And there's a loser inside, mutters Ageless. Catch us getting in there.
Oh, groans the Twitcher. I'm lonely. It's stinky and inky. How far to Turkey?
Shoosh, says Bunny. We're not going there yet.
Is HE going? says Ageless. Nobody told me he's going.
Gaius turns around.
No one's going until we've got funding, says Gaius. I need to work something out
Let's just go, says Arthur. That's what I do.
You live a charmed life, says Gaius. Someone always pays for your ticket. We aren't all so lucky.
Apply for a study grant, says Bunny. You would get it. You're famous, remember.
Gaius thinks about applying for a study grant, to visit the Gate of Hell. How would he pitch it?
They reach the Town Hall. The crowds from the lecture have still not dispersed. They are standing in groups snapping the cuttlefish street art with their i-phones and posting the photos to Facebook.
The Copper Coast Mayor is surrounded by Third Agers eager to praise his initiative.
Yes, yes, he is saying. I know Splosh! personally. We hope to persuade her to do more. Has anyone seen her this evening? Ah, Gaius! Here you are! Where is your artistic friend?
Artistic friend? says Gaius.
She has to remain anonymous, says Bunny. And she's going to Turkey. Probably already left.
What a pity, says the Mayor. We would like to give her a commission.
That's right, says Victor, coming up suddenly. A commission. That's what we'd like to give her.
Victor, says the Mayor. That sounded quite menacing.
Sorry? says Victor. Are we now in favour of graffiti or street art or whatever you call it?
One must move with the times, says the Mayor, loudly. If it helps to raise the town's profile and save the endangered cuttlefish, then why not indeed?
There is a smattering of Third Age applause.
A faint sobbing escapes from the death box.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Escape From The Death Box
We must go back into town, says Gaius. We must find Violetta, before Victor.
Yes, agrees Bunny. We must save Violetta. Coming Arthur?
Are you coming, Ageless? asks Arthur.
Are you coming Baby Pierre? says Ageless.
Lavender? says Baby Pierre. Are you coming?
We can't go, says Lavender. We can't leave the Twitcher.
What about me? says the Twitcher. Don't leave me.
Are you deaf? says Ageless, as well as short lived and pathetic?
I can't stay here on my own, says the Twitcher. A cuttlefish all on my own. All my kind are doomed and defeated. I won't go back in the sea. It would be lo-o-o-nely to die all alone.
Come with us, says Arthur. Get in the box.
The Twitcher appears not to be listening. Arthur lifts him into the box.
Pch! Pch! says the Twitcher. This is the death box. I'm in the death box. I'll be dead in a minute. I'm done for.
Ageless, says Bunny. He's your brother. Why don't you get in and soothe him.
Me, soothe him? says Ageless. It's me that's upset.
Why's HE upset? says the Twitcher, from the depths of the death box. I'm the one that's declining....
Exactly, you BEAK-head! shouts Ageless. Whereas me, I'm immortal, and I wasn't INVITED!
Is that what's needling you? says Gaius. There's a perfectly good explanation. Violetta took over. One minute we're eating cucumbers at home, next minute we're here in a pickle.
Gaius's attempt at cucumber humour escapes Ageless, but Baby Pierre thinks he gets it.
Ha ha, cucumber, pickle, says Baby Pierre.
Ageless looks disgusted.
Come on Ageless, says Baby Pierre. Lighten up. You don't know where were going to next. You'll really like it.
I do know, says Ageless. The Wallaroo town centre.
You don't, says Lavender. We just have to find Violetta and then, we're going to TURKEY!
Pch! Pch! Now the Twitcher is listening.
Yes, agrees Bunny. We must save Violetta. Coming Arthur?
Are you coming, Ageless? asks Arthur.
Are you coming Baby Pierre? says Ageless.
Lavender? says Baby Pierre. Are you coming?
We can't go, says Lavender. We can't leave the Twitcher.
What about me? says the Twitcher. Don't leave me.
Are you deaf? says Ageless, as well as short lived and pathetic?
I can't stay here on my own, says the Twitcher. A cuttlefish all on my own. All my kind are doomed and defeated. I won't go back in the sea. It would be lo-o-o-nely to die all alone.
Come with us, says Arthur. Get in the box.
The Twitcher appears not to be listening. Arthur lifts him into the box.
Pch! Pch! says the Twitcher. This is the death box. I'm in the death box. I'll be dead in a minute. I'm done for.
Ageless, says Bunny. He's your brother. Why don't you get in and soothe him.
Me, soothe him? says Ageless. It's me that's upset.
Why's HE upset? says the Twitcher, from the depths of the death box. I'm the one that's declining....
Exactly, you BEAK-head! shouts Ageless. Whereas me, I'm immortal, and I wasn't INVITED!
Is that what's needling you? says Gaius. There's a perfectly good explanation. Violetta took over. One minute we're eating cucumbers at home, next minute we're here in a pickle.
Gaius's attempt at cucumber humour escapes Ageless, but Baby Pierre thinks he gets it.
Ha ha, cucumber, pickle, says Baby Pierre.
Ageless looks disgusted.
Come on Ageless, says Baby Pierre. Lighten up. You don't know where were going to next. You'll really like it.
I do know, says Ageless. The Wallaroo town centre.
You don't, says Lavender. We just have to find Violetta and then, we're going to TURKEY!
Pch! Pch! Now the Twitcher is listening.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Brotherly Love Has Its Limits
It's slimy in Arthur's pocket, not like they remembered. It was nicer before. Soft dirty bandages, snack wrappers, pocket knives, cheese.
Baby Pierre notices first.
It's all slimy in here, says Baby Pierre.
Urrrw! says Lavender. Why is it SLIMY?
She wriggles about.
Ahch! cries Lavender. Now I can't even see!
Me neither! says Baby Pierre. ARTHUR! GET US OUT! HELP!
Arthur feels in his pocket, and hauls out Lavender, dripping with ink. Then Baby Pierre, also dripping.
What's happened? says Gaius. They're covered in ink. Is your fountain pen leaking?
No, says Arthur, remembering something. He pulls out the cuttlefish, still twitching..
What's THIS? says Victor. A cuttlefish! In a NO TAKE ZONE, too!
Everyone stares at the cuttlefish, who shouldn't be there.
The cuttlefish coughs.
My brother! cries Ageless. Please put him down!
Arthur puts the cuttlefish down beside Ageless.
Are you alright, dear cuttlefish brother? asks Ageless, looking slyly at Gaius.
Gaius frowns, but says nothing. Perhaps some leeway is called for in this case.
Noooo! splutters the Twitcher. Not alright. Pch! Pch! I need to lie down.
You are lying down, says Bunny. What's the matter? Do you want to go back in the water?
What's the point? says the Twitcher. I'm screwed. All my kind are!
Now then, says the Copper Coast Mayor. No need to be so defeatist. We have new regulations in place.
And I'm all out of ink, have you noticed? says the Twitcher.
We know, says Lavender. Look at me. Look at Baby Pierre.
We cuttlefish only live for a year, says the Twitcher, not even bothering to look.
Is that so? says Ageless, edging away from his brother. Just a year! Hardly worth it......
Who's on my side? shouts the Twitcher.
We're all on your side, says Bunny, picking him up.
Indeed, says Gaius. Just this evening the whole town has been painted with street art depicting your plight.
WHAT! says Victor. Why didn't you tell me?
Good grief! mutters the Copper Coast Mayor. My town's reputation!
He and Victor start running towards town.
Baby Pierre notices first.
It's all slimy in here, says Baby Pierre.
Urrrw! says Lavender. Why is it SLIMY?
She wriggles about.
Ahch! cries Lavender. Now I can't even see!
Me neither! says Baby Pierre. ARTHUR! GET US OUT! HELP!
Arthur feels in his pocket, and hauls out Lavender, dripping with ink. Then Baby Pierre, also dripping.
What's happened? says Gaius. They're covered in ink. Is your fountain pen leaking?
No, says Arthur, remembering something. He pulls out the cuttlefish, still twitching..
What's THIS? says Victor. A cuttlefish! In a NO TAKE ZONE, too!
Everyone stares at the cuttlefish, who shouldn't be there.
The cuttlefish coughs.
My brother! cries Ageless. Please put him down!
Arthur puts the cuttlefish down beside Ageless.
Are you alright, dear cuttlefish brother? asks Ageless, looking slyly at Gaius.
Gaius frowns, but says nothing. Perhaps some leeway is called for in this case.
Noooo! splutters the Twitcher. Not alright. Pch! Pch! I need to lie down.
You are lying down, says Bunny. What's the matter? Do you want to go back in the water?
What's the point? says the Twitcher. I'm screwed. All my kind are!
Now then, says the Copper Coast Mayor. No need to be so defeatist. We have new regulations in place.
And I'm all out of ink, have you noticed? says the Twitcher.
We know, says Lavender. Look at me. Look at Baby Pierre.
We cuttlefish only live for a year, says the Twitcher, not even bothering to look.
Is that so? says Ageless, edging away from his brother. Just a year! Hardly worth it......
Who's on my side? shouts the Twitcher.
We're all on your side, says Bunny, picking him up.
Indeed, says Gaius. Just this evening the whole town has been painted with street art depicting your plight.
WHAT! says Victor. Why didn't you tell me?
Good grief! mutters the Copper Coast Mayor. My town's reputation!
He and Victor start running towards town.
Careful What You Put Where
Ageless, says Gaius, tapping Ageless's head, the cuttlefish is not your brother.
Ageless opens one eye.
We are all brothers, croaks Ageless. And my brothers are tragically dead.
They're not your brothers, says Gaius. The cuttlefish belongs to the phylum mollusca, and is classed as a cephalopod. What are you?
You know very well, says Ageless. Why are you asking? Stop playing the pedant. I won't have it.
I know what he is, says Bunny. I did biology at school. He's an arthropod, or a decapod or something.
Miss Smarty, says Ageless. Although you are right. But did you know this? I am also immortal.
Wow! says Bunny. Immortal. But I've eaten lobster.
You are missing the point, says Ageless.
Arthur comes back from the end of the jetty with Victor.
The fire's out, says Arthur. But we could light it again.
Everyone looks at the Mayor.
No, we can't commit arson, says the Mayor. That would look even worse. Victor, do you have a freezer?
I don't want them back, says Victor. Let's just throw them in the water and be done.
I'm not happy with that, says the Mayor. This is a No Take Zone.
Yes, but where does the No Take Zone start? says Gaius.
North of the Jetty, says Victor.
The answer is suddenly obvious to everyone.
Arthur pushes the box to the south side of the jetty, and shoves it over the side with his foot.
The dead cuttlies float out, in a widening pool of black ink.
Farewell my brothers, declares Ageless. At least you've escaped being eaten..
Was that the point I was missing? says Bunny.
Arthur, says Lavender, loudly. I want to go in your pocket. I think Bunny is mean.
Me too, says Baby Pierre.
It's all one to Arthur. He picks up Lavender and Baby Pierre and puts them both in his pocket.
He's forgotten what else is in there.
Ageless opens one eye.
We are all brothers, croaks Ageless. And my brothers are tragically dead.
They're not your brothers, says Gaius. The cuttlefish belongs to the phylum mollusca, and is classed as a cephalopod. What are you?
You know very well, says Ageless. Why are you asking? Stop playing the pedant. I won't have it.
I know what he is, says Bunny. I did biology at school. He's an arthropod, or a decapod or something.
Miss Smarty, says Ageless. Although you are right. But did you know this? I am also immortal.
Wow! says Bunny. Immortal. But I've eaten lobster.
You are missing the point, says Ageless.
Arthur comes back from the end of the jetty with Victor.
The fire's out, says Arthur. But we could light it again.
Everyone looks at the Mayor.
No, we can't commit arson, says the Mayor. That would look even worse. Victor, do you have a freezer?
I don't want them back, says Victor. Let's just throw them in the water and be done.
I'm not happy with that, says the Mayor. This is a No Take Zone.
Yes, but where does the No Take Zone start? says Gaius.
North of the Jetty, says Victor.
The answer is suddenly obvious to everyone.
Arthur pushes the box to the south side of the jetty, and shoves it over the side with his foot.
The dead cuttlies float out, in a widening pool of black ink.
Farewell my brothers, declares Ageless. At least you've escaped being eaten..
Was that the point I was missing? says Bunny.
Arthur, says Lavender, loudly. I want to go in your pocket. I think Bunny is mean.
Me too, says Baby Pierre.
It's all one to Arthur. He picks up Lavender and Baby Pierre and puts them both in his pocket.
He's forgotten what else is in there.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Various Attitudes To Unexplained Death
Hello 'ello, says Victor, seeing the box marked CONFISCATED GOODS. That's my box!
Is it indeed? says the Copper Coast Mayor. So the tale we heard at the meeting was true!
No no, says Victor. I think you'll find that the box is full of rubber goods. Arthur, what's that you're waving?
Arthur stuffs the twitching cuttlefish into his pocket.
My dinner, says Arthur. That's all.
In the interests of transparency, says the Mayor, I think we should open the box.
It's been opened, says Bunny. All it is is dead cuttlefish. Except....
I didn't hear that, says the Copper Coast Mayor. Did you, Victor? Oh my, what's that out on the jetty ? A fire?
Victor jerks his head up to look.
It does look like some sort of a fire.
Let's go! cries Victor, leaping over the barrier and beginning to run towards the fire.
I'm not going, says the Mayor. But while Victor is busy, let us decide what to do with the box.
We were going to throw the dead cuttlefish into the water, says Bunny. But not the box.
That's not on, says the Mayor. How would it look? They'll wash up on the shore. Where's that Gaius fellow when we need him?
That Gaius fellow was not far away. He and Lavender had gone to the police station and seen the broken window. Lavender had suggested they go straight away to the jetty.
So here is Gaius, at the jetty just when he is needed.
Hello Arthur and Bunny, says Gaius. We thought you might be here. Hello your worship! This is a surprise.
Never mind that, says the Mayor. Have you got a quick way of turning dead cuttlefish into tooth powder?
I'll need a fire, says Gaius.
How fortuitous! There's one out there! says the Mayor, pointing to the end of the jetty. Young man, please run after Victor and ask him not to put it out after all.
Arthur runs off after Victor.
Just then Ageless arrives at the jetty.
Gaius! says Ageless. So you're here! I have a bone to pick with you!
Ageless! squeaks Baby Pierre from behind the bollard.
Baby Pierre! cries Ageless. My dear boy!
Oh, there you are Baby Pierre, says Lavender. Guess what?
What? says Baby Pierre.
Bunny left me behind in the meeting, says Lavender loudly.
It was an accident, says Bunny.
She left me on the bus on purpose, says Baby Pierre. That's worse.
What's in the box there? asks Ageless. It stinks like dead fish.
He flicks up the lid with a pincer, peers in and turns ashen.
My brethren! cries Ageless, and faints.
Is it indeed? says the Copper Coast Mayor. So the tale we heard at the meeting was true!
No no, says Victor. I think you'll find that the box is full of rubber goods. Arthur, what's that you're waving?
Arthur stuffs the twitching cuttlefish into his pocket.
My dinner, says Arthur. That's all.
In the interests of transparency, says the Mayor, I think we should open the box.
It's been opened, says Bunny. All it is is dead cuttlefish. Except....
I didn't hear that, says the Copper Coast Mayor. Did you, Victor? Oh my, what's that out on the jetty ? A fire?
Victor jerks his head up to look.
It does look like some sort of a fire.
Let's go! cries Victor, leaping over the barrier and beginning to run towards the fire.
I'm not going, says the Mayor. But while Victor is busy, let us decide what to do with the box.
We were going to throw the dead cuttlefish into the water, says Bunny. But not the box.
That's not on, says the Mayor. How would it look? They'll wash up on the shore. Where's that Gaius fellow when we need him?
That Gaius fellow was not far away. He and Lavender had gone to the police station and seen the broken window. Lavender had suggested they go straight away to the jetty.
So here is Gaius, at the jetty just when he is needed.
Hello Arthur and Bunny, says Gaius. We thought you might be here. Hello your worship! This is a surprise.
Never mind that, says the Mayor. Have you got a quick way of turning dead cuttlefish into tooth powder?
I'll need a fire, says Gaius.
How fortuitous! There's one out there! says the Mayor, pointing to the end of the jetty. Young man, please run after Victor and ask him not to put it out after all.
Arthur runs off after Victor.
Just then Ageless arrives at the jetty.
Gaius! says Ageless. So you're here! I have a bone to pick with you!
Ageless! squeaks Baby Pierre from behind the bollard.
Baby Pierre! cries Ageless. My dear boy!
Oh, there you are Baby Pierre, says Lavender. Guess what?
What? says Baby Pierre.
Bunny left me behind in the meeting, says Lavender loudly.
It was an accident, says Bunny.
She left me on the bus on purpose, says Baby Pierre. That's worse.
What's in the box there? asks Ageless. It stinks like dead fish.
He flicks up the lid with a pincer, peers in and turns ashen.
My brethren! cries Ageless, and faints.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The Benefits Of Audience Profiling
The Town Hall event is over. All the nibbles are gone, and people are leaving.
Gaius feels a bit flat. He needs feedback. Where have his friends disappeared to?
He is heading for the door when he sees Lavender all alone on a seat in the back row.
What are you doing here? says Gaius. Where are Arthur and Bunny?
They went to the police station, says Lavender. Bunny left me behind. I HATE Bunny.
Never mind, says Gaius. What did you think of my talk?
Well..... says Lavender slowly. It started off one thing and ended up another.
I know, says Gaius. But that wasn't my fault.
It was, says Lavender. You should have profiled your audience better.
You've a smart little head, says Gaius. How would you like to be my right hand ..er... fossil? Come on, let's go and find Arthur.
He picks up Lavender and goes into the street where a crowd of people stand marvelling at the surrounding buildings.
Every wall is painted with pairs of giant cuttlefish mating. A slight breeze moves the leaves on the trees creating dark shadows in which cuttlefish undulate. The street lights illuminate their flashing iridescent silver purple and green chromatophores.
It is awesome.
..........
Meanwhile Baby Pierre is waiting patiently at the Jetty.
Not much has happened for hours.
Bandy and Snook came by earlier and climbed over the barrier, with backpacks full of gear.
That was all.
Time passes. Baby Pierre, not for the first time, is glad he's a stone. A special stone, too. With the mark of the Lobster Claw on him. A Lobster Claw, a real one, not a tulip.
Who is this coming? Is it Ageless at last?
Baby Pierre strains to see. No! It's Arthur and that horrible feminist Bunny.
He hides behind a bollard.
Arthur and Bunny are carrying a box between them. They put it down close to the bollard.
They open the box and out floats a terrible smell.
Look! says Bunny. Look Arthur! This one's not dead! It's twitching!
She picks up the twitcher, and hands it to Arthur. Arthur takes it and waves it about.
Two figures loom out of the dark. Victor and the Copper Coast Mayor!
What are they doing here?
Gaius feels a bit flat. He needs feedback. Where have his friends disappeared to?
He is heading for the door when he sees Lavender all alone on a seat in the back row.
What are you doing here? says Gaius. Where are Arthur and Bunny?
They went to the police station, says Lavender. Bunny left me behind. I HATE Bunny.
Never mind, says Gaius. What did you think of my talk?
Well..... says Lavender slowly. It started off one thing and ended up another.
I know, says Gaius. But that wasn't my fault.
It was, says Lavender. You should have profiled your audience better.
You've a smart little head, says Gaius. How would you like to be my right hand ..er... fossil? Come on, let's go and find Arthur.
He picks up Lavender and goes into the street where a crowd of people stand marvelling at the surrounding buildings.
Every wall is painted with pairs of giant cuttlefish mating. A slight breeze moves the leaves on the trees creating dark shadows in which cuttlefish undulate. The street lights illuminate their flashing iridescent silver purple and green chromatophores.
It is awesome.
..........
Meanwhile Baby Pierre is waiting patiently at the Jetty.
Not much has happened for hours.
Bandy and Snook came by earlier and climbed over the barrier, with backpacks full of gear.
That was all.
Time passes. Baby Pierre, not for the first time, is glad he's a stone. A special stone, too. With the mark of the Lobster Claw on him. A Lobster Claw, a real one, not a tulip.
Who is this coming? Is it Ageless at last?
Baby Pierre strains to see. No! It's Arthur and that horrible feminist Bunny.
He hides behind a bollard.
Arthur and Bunny are carrying a box between them. They put it down close to the bollard.
They open the box and out floats a terrible smell.
Look! says Bunny. Look Arthur! This one's not dead! It's twitching!
She picks up the twitcher, and hands it to Arthur. Arthur takes it and waves it about.
Two figures loom out of the dark. Victor and the Copper Coast Mayor!
What are they doing here?
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Squid Balls Crab Sticks and Cuttlefish Rings
The Copper Coast Mayor is a diplomat. He stands up.
Well, that brings us to the end of the formal proceedings, he says. Please join me in thanking Gaius Plinius Secundus for an excellent and informative, not to mention humorous, talk. I'm sure he will be pleased to answer questions informally while we all enjoy drinks and nibbles courtesy of the District Council.....
There is a halt to the rush for the door. Drinks and nibbles are on?
Gaius looks around for Victor, but Victor has vanished.
So has the Mayor.
A group of Third Agers surround Gaius, balancing their nibbles and drinks.
I'm interested to know, says a woman brandishing a squid ball, what would happen if they WERE Africans?
Pardon? says Gaius. Oh I see. Well you would need to ask Anaxilaus. Is that a crab stick?
No it's a squid ball, says the woman. I'm surprised you aren't serving cuttlefish rings.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius, taking this as a joke, which it isn't. Do excuse me, I must circulate.....
He moves off, and bumps into Dan Monceaux.
That was a bit close to the bone, says Dan Monceaux. What you said about tooth powder.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius again. Very good. I was about to add that the ashes of cuttlefish are very useful for removing sharp objects from flesh wounds.
Really, says Dan. You did well to keep that to yourself.
Gaius moves on. Where on earth are Arthur and Bunny?
...............
Arthur has opened the box labelled CONFISCATED GOODS. An evil smell rushes out.
He holds his nose and peers in. Bunny looks over his shoulder.
Eeuuw! says Bunny. These are dead cuttlefish. We should throw them away.
Yes, agrees Arthur. We'll take them down to the jetty and ditch them, after we've eaten the chips.
They finish the leftover chips, and then climb out of the police station window with the foul smelling box.
They head for the jetty.
.............
It is eight forty. Time for the evening bus to arrive. It arrives. Ageless lobster gets off.
He looks around. It's dark. Where is everybody?
He sniffs. The air smells of paint.
Well, that brings us to the end of the formal proceedings, he says. Please join me in thanking Gaius Plinius Secundus for an excellent and informative, not to mention humorous, talk. I'm sure he will be pleased to answer questions informally while we all enjoy drinks and nibbles courtesy of the District Council.....
There is a halt to the rush for the door. Drinks and nibbles are on?
Gaius looks around for Victor, but Victor has vanished.
So has the Mayor.
A group of Third Agers surround Gaius, balancing their nibbles and drinks.
I'm interested to know, says a woman brandishing a squid ball, what would happen if they WERE Africans?
Pardon? says Gaius. Oh I see. Well you would need to ask Anaxilaus. Is that a crab stick?
No it's a squid ball, says the woman. I'm surprised you aren't serving cuttlefish rings.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius, taking this as a joke, which it isn't. Do excuse me, I must circulate.....
He moves off, and bumps into Dan Monceaux.
That was a bit close to the bone, says Dan Monceaux. What you said about tooth powder.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius again. Very good. I was about to add that the ashes of cuttlefish are very useful for removing sharp objects from flesh wounds.
Really, says Dan. You did well to keep that to yourself.
Gaius moves on. Where on earth are Arthur and Bunny?
...............
Arthur has opened the box labelled CONFISCATED GOODS. An evil smell rushes out.
He holds his nose and peers in. Bunny looks over his shoulder.
Eeuuw! says Bunny. These are dead cuttlefish. We should throw them away.
Yes, agrees Arthur. We'll take them down to the jetty and ditch them, after we've eaten the chips.
They finish the leftover chips, and then climb out of the police station window with the foul smelling box.
They head for the jetty.
.............
It is eight forty. Time for the evening bus to arrive. It arrives. Ageless lobster gets off.
He looks around. It's dark. Where is everybody?
He sniffs. The air smells of paint.
Tales Of The Sea And Dead Things In Boxes
Arthur and Bunny have slipped out of the Town Hall and broken into the police station.
Turn on the light, whispers Bunny.
No, says Arthur. We'll get the fish and chips and go.
I smell something, says Bunny. But it's not fish and chips. It's horrible.
Arthur sniffs. He can smell something too.
Moonlight shines through the window, illuminating a table, two plates, and a box.
There are leftover chips on the plates, and some fish bones.
The smell is coming from the box.
Yuck, says Bunny. What's in it?
Arthur gingerly opens the box.
..........
Meanwhile, in the Town Hall the audience has become restless. They already know all this stuff.
Gaius pauses.
Any questions? he asks.
Yes, sir, says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. What's your area of expertise?
Natural History, says Gaius. Specialising in tales.
Tell us a tale then, calls out a grey-haired Third Ager.
Gaius racks his brain for a tale.
This tale is from Anaxilaus, says Gaius. It is said that when the ink from a cuttlefish is placed inside a lamp, the faces of all in the room will appear black as Africans.
Several Third Agers look grim. Isn't that racist?
But perhaps it's untrue, says Gaius, quickly. However what I do know is that ground cuttlefish bones make an excellent tooth powder.
Now no one looks happy. Gaius has one last stab.
I perhaps ought not to reveal this, says Gaius, peering at Victor, who looks calm and untroubled.
.....but I see Victor looks calm and untroubled, he continues. So let me tell you of a mysterious box that lies in the police station fridge, containing confiscated goods. And my suspicion upon seeing the box was that it was full of dead cuttlefish. Victor assures me this is not the case.
If Gaius is expecting applause, he is disappointed.
Instead, an uproar breaks loose.
Turn on the light, whispers Bunny.
No, says Arthur. We'll get the fish and chips and go.
I smell something, says Bunny. But it's not fish and chips. It's horrible.
Arthur sniffs. He can smell something too.
Moonlight shines through the window, illuminating a table, two plates, and a box.
There are leftover chips on the plates, and some fish bones.
The smell is coming from the box.
Yuck, says Bunny. What's in it?
Arthur gingerly opens the box.
..........
Meanwhile, in the Town Hall the audience has become restless. They already know all this stuff.
Gaius pauses.
Any questions? he asks.
Yes, sir, says the Godfather of Cuttlefish. What's your area of expertise?
Natural History, says Gaius. Specialising in tales.
Tell us a tale then, calls out a grey-haired Third Ager.
Gaius racks his brain for a tale.
This tale is from Anaxilaus, says Gaius. It is said that when the ink from a cuttlefish is placed inside a lamp, the faces of all in the room will appear black as Africans.
Several Third Agers look grim. Isn't that racist?
But perhaps it's untrue, says Gaius, quickly. However what I do know is that ground cuttlefish bones make an excellent tooth powder.
Now no one looks happy. Gaius has one last stab.
I perhaps ought not to reveal this, says Gaius, peering at Victor, who looks calm and untroubled.
.....but I see Victor looks calm and untroubled, he continues. So let me tell you of a mysterious box that lies in the police station fridge, containing confiscated goods. And my suspicion upon seeing the box was that it was full of dead cuttlefish. Victor assures me this is not the case.
If Gaius is expecting applause, he is disappointed.
Instead, an uproar breaks loose.
Monday, April 15, 2013
First You Create A Diversion
It is evening. Baby Pierre is on the Wallaroo Jetty waiting for Ageless. Two fishermen walk by.
Still bloody closed, says Snook.
Bloody Flinders Ports! says Bandy. Closin' our Jetty. That fire was an accident.
Too right, says, Snook. An accident. And there might be another.
You goin' to the meetin' tonight? says Bandy.
What meetin'? says Snook.
At the Town Hall. Some old dude talkin' about cuttlies.
Nah, says Snook. I might give it a miss.
...........
The Town Hall is crowded. They have had to bring in extra chairs.
Apart from a smattering of grey-haired University Of The Third Age students, (who will turn up for anything), there are a few special guests.
Vincent points some of them out.
Paul Thomas, the Copper Coast Mayor, Tony Bramley, The Godfather of Cuttlefish, and Dan Monceaux, maker of the soon to be released documentary "Cuttlefish Country".
Gaius is feeling quite pleased. He shuffles his notes, and looks around for Arthur and Bunny, who have not yet arrived. But wait, here they are.
Here you are at last, says Gaius. Have you eaten?
No, we haven't, says Bunny. Where were you?
Victor took me out for fish and chips, says Gaius airily. There's some left, we couldn't eat it all.
Where is it? says Arthur.
At the police station, says Gaius. But I'm about to start.....you should sit down.
Arthur and Bunny find seats on the back row, right near the exit, for reasons unknown.
Gaius's talk has begun:
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, says Gaius, thank you for coming, I wish to talk to you tonight about the plight of the Giant Australian Cuttlefish whose unique migration occurs annually in waters around here. Port Lowly Peninsula is the only place in the world where thousands of Giant Australian Cuttlefish gather to breed. Unfortunately a ninety percent reduction in the abundance of cuttlefish was recorded last year. As you know the State Government has recently announced a No Take Zone, north of the Wallaroo Jetty........
Too bloody late, whispers the Godfather of Cuttlefish, to Dan Monceaux. And anyhow, who is this blow-in?
I hear Splosh! is in town, whispers Dan. This guy's here to create a diversion.
Still bloody closed, says Snook.
Bloody Flinders Ports! says Bandy. Closin' our Jetty. That fire was an accident.
Too right, says, Snook. An accident. And there might be another.
You goin' to the meetin' tonight? says Bandy.
What meetin'? says Snook.
At the Town Hall. Some old dude talkin' about cuttlies.
Nah, says Snook. I might give it a miss.
...........
The Town Hall is crowded. They have had to bring in extra chairs.
Apart from a smattering of grey-haired University Of The Third Age students, (who will turn up for anything), there are a few special guests.
Vincent points some of them out.
Paul Thomas, the Copper Coast Mayor, Tony Bramley, The Godfather of Cuttlefish, and Dan Monceaux, maker of the soon to be released documentary "Cuttlefish Country".
Gaius is feeling quite pleased. He shuffles his notes, and looks around for Arthur and Bunny, who have not yet arrived. But wait, here they are.
Here you are at last, says Gaius. Have you eaten?
No, we haven't, says Bunny. Where were you?
Victor took me out for fish and chips, says Gaius airily. There's some left, we couldn't eat it all.
Where is it? says Arthur.
At the police station, says Gaius. But I'm about to start.....you should sit down.
Arthur and Bunny find seats on the back row, right near the exit, for reasons unknown.
Gaius's talk has begun:
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, says Gaius, thank you for coming, I wish to talk to you tonight about the plight of the Giant Australian Cuttlefish whose unique migration occurs annually in waters around here. Port Lowly Peninsula is the only place in the world where thousands of Giant Australian Cuttlefish gather to breed. Unfortunately a ninety percent reduction in the abundance of cuttlefish was recorded last year. As you know the State Government has recently announced a No Take Zone, north of the Wallaroo Jetty........
Too bloody late, whispers the Godfather of Cuttlefish, to Dan Monceaux. And anyhow, who is this blow-in?
I hear Splosh! is in town, whispers Dan. This guy's here to create a diversion.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
A Series Of Disturbingly Interrelated Events
Bunny and Lavender wander down to the beach where Arthur is sitting on the rocks with Ouvert, staring out at the Wallaroo Jetty.
Hi, Arthur, says Bunny. Isn't it peaceful.
That's one way to describe it, says Arthur.
What's another? asks Bunny, sitting down.
Lame, says Arthur. There's nothing to do.
Violetta's got something to do, says Lavender. She's planning her shit.
Shit! says Ouvert. That's disgusting.
You're so silly, says Lavender. Violetta is working. She's going to spray cuttlefish everywhere.
Not on the jetty, says Arthur. It's closed.
That won't stop Violetta, says Bunny. She's probably out there right now.
..........
Violetta is not on the jetty. Instead she is checking out walls.
There are plenty of spaces for cuttlefish.
She sorts out her aerosol cans. Green, purple, silver, black and brown.
........
Baby Pierre arrives at the jetty. It is where he has arranged to meet Ageless.
There is a yellow sign on the jetty. CLOSED DUE TO VANDALISM.
It is not a good sign.
.........
Gaius and Victor are at the police station. Victor has invited him to tea.
Victor opens the fridge, to see what is in it.
He takes out a box.
Let's see what this is, says Victor. Let's hope it's something to eat.
Perhaps you shouldn't, says Gaius. It says CONFISCATED GOODS on the side.
Oh don't let that bother you, says Victor. It's just harmless fun.
He opens the box, and immediately shuts it again.
What is it? says Gaius. Ha ha! Not dead cuttlefish?
Victor turns red.
Never mind that, says Victor. How about you and I eating out?
Hi, Arthur, says Bunny. Isn't it peaceful.
That's one way to describe it, says Arthur.
What's another? asks Bunny, sitting down.
Lame, says Arthur. There's nothing to do.
Violetta's got something to do, says Lavender. She's planning her shit.
Shit! says Ouvert. That's disgusting.
You're so silly, says Lavender. Violetta is working. She's going to spray cuttlefish everywhere.
Not on the jetty, says Arthur. It's closed.
That won't stop Violetta, says Bunny. She's probably out there right now.
..........
Violetta is not on the jetty. Instead she is checking out walls.
There are plenty of spaces for cuttlefish.
She sorts out her aerosol cans. Green, purple, silver, black and brown.
........
Baby Pierre arrives at the jetty. It is where he has arranged to meet Ageless.
There is a yellow sign on the jetty. CLOSED DUE TO VANDALISM.
It is not a good sign.
.........
Gaius and Victor are at the police station. Victor has invited him to tea.
Victor opens the fridge, to see what is in it.
He takes out a box.
Let's see what this is, says Victor. Let's hope it's something to eat.
Perhaps you shouldn't, says Gaius. It says CONFISCATED GOODS on the side.
Oh don't let that bother you, says Victor. It's just harmless fun.
He opens the box, and immediately shuts it again.
What is it? says Gaius. Ha ha! Not dead cuttlefish?
Victor turns red.
Never mind that, says Victor. How about you and I eating out?
Six Dollars Short Of A Squid
It's six dollars entry, says Victor, when they reach the Wallaroo Heritage and Nautical Museum.
Six dollars! says Gaius. That's pricey! I suppose I have six dollars somewhere.
He feels in his pockets. No luck.
Never mind, says Victor. I'll treat you.
Thank you, Victor, says Gaius. Now where's this renowned Giant Squid?
Over there, says Victor, pointing to the prize exhibit, preserved in formalin.
This is George, says Victor. George was found inside the stomach of a whale thirty years ago. He's at least five feet long.
Even longer with his tentacles extended, says Gaius, I should say about 28 feet.
Spot on, says Victor. I can see you're an expert. May I come to your lecture tonight?
Do, says Gaius. I intend to make everyone sit up and think about cuttlefish.
Spot on, says Victor, again.
...........
Baby Pierre has finally got through to Ageless.
Who is it? asks Ageless
Baby Pierre, says Baby Pierre.
My dear boy! cries Ageless.
So you admit you're my daddy! says Baby Pierre.
No, says Ageless. I retract that. It's just an expression. Where are you, Baby Pierre?
I'm in Wallaroo, says Baby Pierre. I came here with Gaius, but he's ...
Ageless is furious. GAIUS IS IN WALLAROO?
But they left me on the bus......, falters Baby Pierre.
THEY? roars Ageless. There are OTHERS?
What's the matter? says Baby Pierre
You sit tight, says Ageless. I'll be there on the very next bus.
...........
Meanwhile Bunny and Lavender have joined Violetta at Cafe Mia, a beachfront cafe.
This is lovely, says Bunny. Good coffee, great cakes and a brilliant view.
Not bad, says Violetta. But hurry up and finish and piss off you two.
Why? says Bunny, offended.
I work alone, says Violetta. And it's time to start planning my shit.
Six dollars! says Gaius. That's pricey! I suppose I have six dollars somewhere.
He feels in his pockets. No luck.
Never mind, says Victor. I'll treat you.
Thank you, Victor, says Gaius. Now where's this renowned Giant Squid?
Over there, says Victor, pointing to the prize exhibit, preserved in formalin.
This is George, says Victor. George was found inside the stomach of a whale thirty years ago. He's at least five feet long.
Even longer with his tentacles extended, says Gaius, I should say about 28 feet.
Spot on, says Victor. I can see you're an expert. May I come to your lecture tonight?
Do, says Gaius. I intend to make everyone sit up and think about cuttlefish.
Spot on, says Victor, again.
...........
Baby Pierre has finally got through to Ageless.
Who is it? asks Ageless
Baby Pierre, says Baby Pierre.
My dear boy! cries Ageless.
So you admit you're my daddy! says Baby Pierre.
No, says Ageless. I retract that. It's just an expression. Where are you, Baby Pierre?
I'm in Wallaroo, says Baby Pierre. I came here with Gaius, but he's ...
Ageless is furious. GAIUS IS IN WALLAROO?
But they left me on the bus......, falters Baby Pierre.
THEY? roars Ageless. There are OTHERS?
What's the matter? says Baby Pierre
You sit tight, says Ageless. I'll be there on the very next bus.
...........
Meanwhile Bunny and Lavender have joined Violetta at Cafe Mia, a beachfront cafe.
This is lovely, says Bunny. Good coffee, great cakes and a brilliant view.
Not bad, says Violetta. But hurry up and finish and piss off you two.
Why? says Bunny, offended.
I work alone, says Violetta. And it's time to start planning my shit.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
What Would An Atheist Do?
Victor, says Gaius, it seems that no matter which region I visit, you are the local policeman!
I get around, says Victor. In fact I have had a promotion.
To Wallaroo? says Gaius.
Upwards, nods Victor.
Hah! splutters Violetta.
Violetta! says Victor. AKA Splosh! I might have guessed it was you.
What was me? says Violetta.
You the driver warned me about via the secret red button phone, says Victor.
Violetta cackles with laughter.
Just watch it, that's all, says Victor. We don't want your street art round here, wrecking our tidy town and our nice grey economy.
Wouldn't want to wreck that, says Violetta.
Victor, says Gaius, I'm here to give a lecture on Giant Cuttlefish. But I hear there is a famed Giant Squid in the Nautical Museum. I should like to see it.
That would be George, says Victor. You should definitely see him. I'll take you there now if you like.
Much obliged, Victor, says Gaius.
He and Victor walk off together.
Violetta stalks off in the opposite direction to look for a cafe.
Arthur and Ouvert, overcome by homesickness for France, decide to walk down to Wallaroo Bay.
Bunny and Lavender are still standing in front of the Rotunda, when the bus pulls away.
Baby Pierre! says Lavender. Where is Baby Pierre?
I left him behind on the bus, says Bunny. He was being a little shit.
Lavender is impressed. This is girl power. Bunny is cool.
.......
Baby Pierre is alone on the bus. At first he is frightened..... but.... no!
He is master of his own destiny! He is no priestly Pierre who is not a proper man; what does that even mean?
The real Baby Pierre is an atheist!
He is a free thinker! An existentialist! A nihilist!
As soon as he gets to the bus station, he will call Ageless lobster, his dad.
I get around, says Victor. In fact I have had a promotion.
To Wallaroo? says Gaius.
Upwards, nods Victor.
Hah! splutters Violetta.
Violetta! says Victor. AKA Splosh! I might have guessed it was you.
What was me? says Violetta.
You the driver warned me about via the secret red button phone, says Victor.
Violetta cackles with laughter.
Just watch it, that's all, says Victor. We don't want your street art round here, wrecking our tidy town and our nice grey economy.
Wouldn't want to wreck that, says Violetta.
Victor, says Gaius, I'm here to give a lecture on Giant Cuttlefish. But I hear there is a famed Giant Squid in the Nautical Museum. I should like to see it.
That would be George, says Victor. You should definitely see him. I'll take you there now if you like.
Much obliged, Victor, says Gaius.
He and Victor walk off together.
Violetta stalks off in the opposite direction to look for a cafe.
Arthur and Ouvert, overcome by homesickness for France, decide to walk down to Wallaroo Bay.
Bunny and Lavender are still standing in front of the Rotunda, when the bus pulls away.
Baby Pierre! says Lavender. Where is Baby Pierre?
I left him behind on the bus, says Bunny. He was being a little shit.
Lavender is impressed. This is girl power. Bunny is cool.
.......
Baby Pierre is alone on the bus. At first he is frightened..... but.... no!
He is master of his own destiny! He is no priestly Pierre who is not a proper man; what does that even mean?
The real Baby Pierre is an atheist!
He is a free thinker! An existentialist! A nihilist!
As soon as he gets to the bus station, he will call Ageless lobster, his dad.
Space Is Stronger
The bus rolls into Kadina. The landscape no longer reminds anyone of France.
Arthur and Ouvert lapse into a travellers' torpor.
Bunny is reading Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender, who keep on interrupting.
Her box, what does it look like? asks Lavender.
Like a little wooden coffin on wheels, says Bunny.
Why would it have wheels? says Baby Pierre. She's on a train.
It has wheels, says Bunny, so that when they get to Lourdes, Pierre can drag Marie to the Grotto.
See, Baby Pierre, says Lavender. It does have wheels. My box didn't.
When were you in a box? says Baby Pierre. You weren't. I don't believe you.
When I was at the diggings with Arthur, says Lavender. I had to go in a box. You weren't there, so you don't know.
What for? says Baby Pierre.
So I wouldn't break, says Lavender.
You couldn't break, says Bunny. You're a fossilised shell imprinted in a pebble.
Baby Pierre rolls his eyes. He knows what's coming.
No, says Lavender. The fossilised shell's not me. I'm the space inside it. Arthur filled my space with mud, so I could see what I looked like, but when it dried I broke.
That shows that space is stronger, observes Bunny.
Oh yes, I'm stronger, says Lavender.
Than mud, says Baby Pierre.
Shut up, says Lavender.
At last the bus arrives in Wallaroo.
You want to get off at the Rotunda? shouts the driver.
Yes, says Violetta. Wait up! No!
She has seen a policeman lurking behind the Rotunda.
Too bad, says the driver. Rotunda was requested. You have to get off here.
They get off the bus, Gaius with his folder full of notes and box of cucumbers, Violetta with her purple backpack full of aerosols, Bunny with Lavender and the book of miracles, Arthur with Ouvert.
No one has noticed Baby Pierre is missing.
Hello 'ello, says the policeman.
Hello, officer, says Gaius. How may I.......VICTOR!
GAIUS! says the policeman, beaming. Welcome! Welcome to Wallaroo!
Arthur and Ouvert lapse into a travellers' torpor.
Bunny is reading Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender, who keep on interrupting.
Her box, what does it look like? asks Lavender.
Like a little wooden coffin on wheels, says Bunny.
Why would it have wheels? says Baby Pierre. She's on a train.
It has wheels, says Bunny, so that when they get to Lourdes, Pierre can drag Marie to the Grotto.
See, Baby Pierre, says Lavender. It does have wheels. My box didn't.
When were you in a box? says Baby Pierre. You weren't. I don't believe you.
When I was at the diggings with Arthur, says Lavender. I had to go in a box. You weren't there, so you don't know.
What for? says Baby Pierre.
So I wouldn't break, says Lavender.
You couldn't break, says Bunny. You're a fossilised shell imprinted in a pebble.
Baby Pierre rolls his eyes. He knows what's coming.
No, says Lavender. The fossilised shell's not me. I'm the space inside it. Arthur filled my space with mud, so I could see what I looked like, but when it dried I broke.
That shows that space is stronger, observes Bunny.
Oh yes, I'm stronger, says Lavender.
Than mud, says Baby Pierre.
Shut up, says Lavender.
At last the bus arrives in Wallaroo.
You want to get off at the Rotunda? shouts the driver.
Yes, says Violetta. Wait up! No!
She has seen a policeman lurking behind the Rotunda.
Too bad, says the driver. Rotunda was requested. You have to get off here.
They get off the bus, Gaius with his folder full of notes and box of cucumbers, Violetta with her purple backpack full of aerosols, Bunny with Lavender and the book of miracles, Arthur with Ouvert.
No one has noticed Baby Pierre is missing.
Hello 'ello, says the policeman.
Hello, officer, says Gaius. How may I.......VICTOR!
GAIUS! says the policeman, beaming. Welcome! Welcome to Wallaroo!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
The Crucial Age Of Thirteen
The bus passes through Port Wakefield and into the yellow rolling hills at the top of Gulf Saint Vincent.
It reminds Arthur of the Tour de France.
This reminds me of the Tour De France, says Arthur. All these hills.
Let me see! says Ouvert.
Arthur lifts him up to see out of the window.
It reminds Ouvert of the Tour de France too. He remembers his glory days, as the sought-after lucky talisman of the Tour, passed from pocket to pocket. But who won it? Ouvert can't remember.
Who won the Tour? asks Ouvert.
Not us, says Arthur. And who even remembers? The last race is the only one that matters.
Is this the last race? asks Ouvert.
This isn't a race, says Arthur. This is a trip to Wallaroo, on a bus. The last race was Paris-Roubaix.
Who won it? asks Ouvert.
Cancellara, says Arthur.
Ouvert is sad.
.........
Bunny is going to read excerpts from Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender.
Are you guys squeamish? asks Bunny.
No, says Baby Pierre. Why?
Because the people on the white train going to Lourdes suffer from horrible conditions, says Bunny. The white train is for the very worst cases. Open sores, cancers, inflammations, hideous facial ulcerations caused by lupus.....
Euuw! says Lavender. I thought it was about Baby Pierre.
I'm the priest, says Baby Pierre. I'm the reasonable priest.
True, he is called Pierre, says Bunny. But it's not about you. Pierre is a man. And Marie is a woman. And it's romantic because she's in a box.
I've been in a box, says Lavender.
Why is she in a box? asks Baby Pierre. Hasn't she got any legs?
She has legs, says Bunny. And beautiful golden hair. But ten years earlier, she fell off a horse at the crucial age of thirteen.....
Why is it the crucial age? says Lavender, enthralled.
Well... says Bunny. It stopped her becoming a woman. And Pierre you see, being a priest, isn't a proper man, and.....
Stop! says Baby Pierre. It's too awful!
...........
Gaius and Violetta are discussing their plans.
I shall be giving a lecture in the Wallaroo Town Hall, says Gaius, on the subject of the mating habits of the Giant Australian Cuttlefish, after which there will be questions, followed by drinks and snacks. It has all been arranged by the University of the Third Age, whatever that is.......
Don't you know? says Violetta. It's for old dudes. They learn Tai Chi and Canasta and Computers for Beginners, and how to make Quillos. I bet you'll be a hit.
What are Quillos? asks Gaius.
Who knows? says Violetta. I expect you'll find out. And while you're doing that I'll get busy.
Don't do anything rash, says Gaius.
That's all I do, says Violetta.
It reminds Arthur of the Tour de France.
This reminds me of the Tour De France, says Arthur. All these hills.
Let me see! says Ouvert.
Arthur lifts him up to see out of the window.
It reminds Ouvert of the Tour de France too. He remembers his glory days, as the sought-after lucky talisman of the Tour, passed from pocket to pocket. But who won it? Ouvert can't remember.
Who won the Tour? asks Ouvert.
Not us, says Arthur. And who even remembers? The last race is the only one that matters.
Is this the last race? asks Ouvert.
This isn't a race, says Arthur. This is a trip to Wallaroo, on a bus. The last race was Paris-Roubaix.
Who won it? asks Ouvert.
Cancellara, says Arthur.
Ouvert is sad.
.........
Bunny is going to read excerpts from Lourdes to Baby Pierre and Lavender.
Are you guys squeamish? asks Bunny.
No, says Baby Pierre. Why?
Because the people on the white train going to Lourdes suffer from horrible conditions, says Bunny. The white train is for the very worst cases. Open sores, cancers, inflammations, hideous facial ulcerations caused by lupus.....
Euuw! says Lavender. I thought it was about Baby Pierre.
I'm the priest, says Baby Pierre. I'm the reasonable priest.
True, he is called Pierre, says Bunny. But it's not about you. Pierre is a man. And Marie is a woman. And it's romantic because she's in a box.
I've been in a box, says Lavender.
Why is she in a box? asks Baby Pierre. Hasn't she got any legs?
She has legs, says Bunny. And beautiful golden hair. But ten years earlier, she fell off a horse at the crucial age of thirteen.....
Why is it the crucial age? says Lavender, enthralled.
Well... says Bunny. It stopped her becoming a woman. And Pierre you see, being a priest, isn't a proper man, and.....
Stop! says Baby Pierre. It's too awful!
...........
Gaius and Violetta are discussing their plans.
I shall be giving a lecture in the Wallaroo Town Hall, says Gaius, on the subject of the mating habits of the Giant Australian Cuttlefish, after which there will be questions, followed by drinks and snacks. It has all been arranged by the University of the Third Age, whatever that is.......
Don't you know? says Violetta. It's for old dudes. They learn Tai Chi and Canasta and Computers for Beginners, and how to make Quillos. I bet you'll be a hit.
What are Quillos? asks Gaius.
Who knows? says Violetta. I expect you'll find out. And while you're doing that I'll get busy.
Don't do anything rash, says Gaius.
That's all I do, says Violetta.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Miracles Can Be Intellectual Too
The secret red button connects the bus driver to the police station in Wallaroo.
Yes? says the policeman, at the police station, in Wallaroo.
Suspicious characters on board, says the driver, sotto voce. I'll be dropping them off at the Rotunda.
Rightio, says the policeman. Thanks for the headsup.
No worries, says the driver. He starts the engine, and pulls out of the bus station.
It is a long way to Wallaroo, but the bus seats are comfy.
Gaius settles back for a nap.
Arthur looks out of the window.
Bunny get's out her book.
What's your book? asks Violetta.
Lourdes, says Bunny. By Emile Zola.
Woohoo! says Violetta. Saint Bernadette!
It's so lovely, says Bunny. She saw the Virgin in a grotto, and the Virgin told her to build a chapel in that spot.
Brilliant, says Violetta. Is that what the book's about?
No, says Bunny. It's about a girl called Marie who goes there to pray for a cure, and her friend Pierre, a priest who's having a spiritual crisis, because he's too reasonable to have any faith. They go on a white train.
Violetta is not the only one listening.
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are listening too, from deep down in Gaius's pocket.
Did you hear that? says Baby Pierre.
Not properly, says Lavender. It was muffled. But it was about you, Baby Pierre. And you went on a train.
That's what I thought, says Baby Pierre.
Ouvert is jealous. The book is about Baby Pierre on a train.
Ouch! says Gaius, waking up. What the devil?
It is Ouvert biting his leg through the cloth of his chinos. He drags Ouvert out.
I want to sit next to Arthur, says Ouvert.
Alright, says Gaius Why didn't you say so? What about Lavender and Baby Pierre? Do they want to come out?
Yes, we want to sit with Bunny, says Baby Pierre. She's got a book.
Has she indeed? says Gaius. What's your book about, Bunny?
Miracles, says Bunny. But it's intellectual too.
Is there anything to eat? says Arthur. I forgot to bring snacks.
I've a small box of cucumbers, says Gaius. If you'd care to have one....
Baby Pierre and Lavender settle down next to Bunny, hoping to hear more about miracles.
Ouvert sits next to Arthur, who chews on a cucumber.
Violetta moves to sit next to Gaius.
They are about to pass through Port Wakefield.
Yes? says the policeman, at the police station, in Wallaroo.
Suspicious characters on board, says the driver, sotto voce. I'll be dropping them off at the Rotunda.
Rightio, says the policeman. Thanks for the headsup.
No worries, says the driver. He starts the engine, and pulls out of the bus station.
It is a long way to Wallaroo, but the bus seats are comfy.
Gaius settles back for a nap.
Arthur looks out of the window.
Bunny get's out her book.
What's your book? asks Violetta.
Lourdes, says Bunny. By Emile Zola.
Woohoo! says Violetta. Saint Bernadette!
It's so lovely, says Bunny. She saw the Virgin in a grotto, and the Virgin told her to build a chapel in that spot.
Brilliant, says Violetta. Is that what the book's about?
No, says Bunny. It's about a girl called Marie who goes there to pray for a cure, and her friend Pierre, a priest who's having a spiritual crisis, because he's too reasonable to have any faith. They go on a white train.
Violetta is not the only one listening.
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are listening too, from deep down in Gaius's pocket.
Did you hear that? says Baby Pierre.
Not properly, says Lavender. It was muffled. But it was about you, Baby Pierre. And you went on a train.
That's what I thought, says Baby Pierre.
Ouvert is jealous. The book is about Baby Pierre on a train.
Ouch! says Gaius, waking up. What the devil?
It is Ouvert biting his leg through the cloth of his chinos. He drags Ouvert out.
I want to sit next to Arthur, says Ouvert.
Alright, says Gaius Why didn't you say so? What about Lavender and Baby Pierre? Do they want to come out?
Yes, we want to sit with Bunny, says Baby Pierre. She's got a book.
Has she indeed? says Gaius. What's your book about, Bunny?
Miracles, says Bunny. But it's intellectual too.
Is there anything to eat? says Arthur. I forgot to bring snacks.
I've a small box of cucumbers, says Gaius. If you'd care to have one....
Baby Pierre and Lavender settle down next to Bunny, hoping to hear more about miracles.
Ouvert sits next to Arthur, who chews on a cucumber.
Violetta moves to sit next to Gaius.
They are about to pass through Port Wakefield.
Success Threats and Promises
Arthur's Banksy piece is published in Velosophy, and proves popular.
Banksy himself even makes a comment. That is, if it is Banksy.
Banksy, if it is Banksy, writes: Good piece, guys. Just what I would have written if I wasn't Banksy. Disclaimer: This was written by Banksy.
Banksy's comment proves even more popular. There is talk of preserving it in perspex.
........
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are excited. They are going to Wallaroo.
Do you have something to read? asks Kobo.
No, Auntie Kobo, says Baby Pierre. We'll be too busy to do any reading.
Bunny's got a book, says Lavender. It's called Lourdes, by Emile Zola.
That's alright then, says Kobo. I'm sure you'll learn something from that.
..............
It's ten a.m. Bunny, Arthur and Gaius are at the bus station, waiting for Violetta to arrive.
The bus is about to leave. They get on board.
Tickets? says the driver.
Drat, says Gaius. I knew I'd forgotten something.
No ticket, no ride, says the driver.
Violetta dashes up with a huge purple backpack bulging with aerosol cans.
What's up? says Violetta.
No tickets, says Bunny. We have to get off.
Nonsense, says Violetta, jumping up the steps to threaten the driver.
How would you like a dozen oversized Giant Cuttlefish mating lasciviously graffitied all over your bus? growls Violetta.
Is that a threat or an offer? says the driver, who has a soft spot for cuttlefish.
Either, says Violetta.
Done, says the driver. Get on board.
Does this mean we don't have to pay? says Gaius.
She doesn't, says the driver.
None of my friends do, says Violetta, reaching for a spray can.
Fine, says the driver. Calm down. Whatever you say.
He closes the doors of the bus, and presses a secret red button.
Banksy himself even makes a comment. That is, if it is Banksy.
Banksy, if it is Banksy, writes: Good piece, guys. Just what I would have written if I wasn't Banksy. Disclaimer: This was written by Banksy.
Banksy's comment proves even more popular. There is talk of preserving it in perspex.
........
Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender are excited. They are going to Wallaroo.
Do you have something to read? asks Kobo.
No, Auntie Kobo, says Baby Pierre. We'll be too busy to do any reading.
Bunny's got a book, says Lavender. It's called Lourdes, by Emile Zola.
That's alright then, says Kobo. I'm sure you'll learn something from that.
..............
It's ten a.m. Bunny, Arthur and Gaius are at the bus station, waiting for Violetta to arrive.
The bus is about to leave. They get on board.
Tickets? says the driver.
Drat, says Gaius. I knew I'd forgotten something.
No ticket, no ride, says the driver.
Violetta dashes up with a huge purple backpack bulging with aerosol cans.
What's up? says Violetta.
No tickets, says Bunny. We have to get off.
Nonsense, says Violetta, jumping up the steps to threaten the driver.
How would you like a dozen oversized Giant Cuttlefish mating lasciviously graffitied all over your bus? growls Violetta.
Is that a threat or an offer? says the driver, who has a soft spot for cuttlefish.
Either, says Violetta.
Done, says the driver. Get on board.
Does this mean we don't have to pay? says Gaius.
She doesn't, says the driver.
None of my friends do, says Violetta, reaching for a spray can.
Fine, says the driver. Calm down. Whatever you say.
He closes the doors of the bus, and presses a secret red button.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Arthur Rimbaud Does Banksy
Violetta goes home to work on a Giant Australian Cuttlefish stencil, and choose appropriate paint.
Arthur retires to the back room to work on the Banksy project.
Gaius and Bunny are left with the logistics.
How do we get to Wallaroo? says Bunny.
Copper Coast Passenger Service, says Gaius. You organise it, Bunny, I must sort out my notes.
But Arthur sorted out your notes, says Bunny. So you should organise the tickets.
Oh very well, says Gaius, immediately forgetting what he has agreed to. He has other things to think of.
Should he get in touch with the Mayor of Wallaroo and offer to give a public lecture on the Great Australian Cuttlefish, for the edification of the locals?
Five minutes later, Arthur comes out of the back room, with a piece of paper.
Done, says Arthur. Here's your Banksy project.
Bunny grabs the paper and reads:
Thanks for asking me about my bicycle philosophy. I don't have a lot of time time for riding bicycles. I tend to do a lot of running and climbing and jumping and I sometimes wear a mask. You try that riding a bicycle. Also a bicycle tends to identify you. Having said that I would be happier to be identified by a bicycle than a policeman. Cheers Banksy. Disclaimer: The above was not written by Banksy, but by Arthur Rimbaud, poet, who once dreamed of riding a bicycle in a mask, while brandishing a paintbrush.
Wow, Arthur! says Bunny. That's just brilliant. You're a genius.
I know, says Arthur. Maybe I shouldn't have given up so soon.
Arthur retires to the back room to work on the Banksy project.
Gaius and Bunny are left with the logistics.
How do we get to Wallaroo? says Bunny.
Copper Coast Passenger Service, says Gaius. You organise it, Bunny, I must sort out my notes.
But Arthur sorted out your notes, says Bunny. So you should organise the tickets.
Oh very well, says Gaius, immediately forgetting what he has agreed to. He has other things to think of.
Should he get in touch with the Mayor of Wallaroo and offer to give a public lecture on the Great Australian Cuttlefish, for the edification of the locals?
Five minutes later, Arthur comes out of the back room, with a piece of paper.
Done, says Arthur. Here's your Banksy project.
Bunny grabs the paper and reads:
Thanks for asking me about my bicycle philosophy. I don't have a lot of time time for riding bicycles. I tend to do a lot of running and climbing and jumping and I sometimes wear a mask. You try that riding a bicycle. Also a bicycle tends to identify you. Having said that I would be happier to be identified by a bicycle than a policeman. Cheers Banksy. Disclaimer: The above was not written by Banksy, but by Arthur Rimbaud, poet, who once dreamed of riding a bicycle in a mask, while brandishing a paintbrush.
Wow, Arthur! says Bunny. That's just brilliant. You're a genius.
I know, says Arthur. Maybe I shouldn't have given up so soon.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Having It All
It's Baby Pierre, Ouvert and Lavender. They are excited to see Arthur, who they believed was still in Alice Springs.
No, I'm back, says Arthur. A lot's happened to me since then. I've been surfing and performed a miracle with a frog cake and almost turned into a cockroach and had to have an exorcism. Then I got nits.
Wow, says Ouvert. Nits!
We haven't done ANYTHING, says Lavender. We look out of the window or we do the washing up.
We don't do the washing up, says Baby Pierre. Don't lie, Lavender.
I said we didn't do anything, says Lavender.
It was still a lie, says Baby Pierre.
No it wasn't, says Lavender. You don't see things like I do, that's all.
See what I have to put up with, says Baby Pierre.
You should get out more, says Arthur. Gaius is off to Wallaroo, or Turkey. I might go too.
Oh you might, might you? says Bunny, who has been listening. What about me, what about the Banksy project?
Banksy project? says Violetta, who has been listening. What Banksy project?
I meant to tell you about the Banksy project, says Gaius, who up to now has not been listening, but tossing up in his mind between Turkey and Wallaroo.
What is it? says Violetta. I know Banksy.
It's MY project, says Bunny. I'm trying to get him to write an article for Velosophy, but he won't reply.
That's Banksy for you, says Violetta. Want some advice? Write the article yourself, and say he wrote it. Banksy won't give a shit, and if he does it'll serve him right.
I do admire the camaraderie of street artists, says Gaius.
Thanks, Violetta, says Bunny. Arthur, want to write it?
Only if I can put my name to it, says Arthur.
You write it, says Bunny. I'll fix it.
I like you, Bunny, says Violetta. Contradictions do not trouble you. Are you coming to Wallaroo with me and Gaius?
Wait, says Gaius. I haven't decided I'm going. I see the Gate of Hell disappearing as an option.
If I want to go somewhere I go, says Arthur.
This strikes everyone as eminently sensible.
Why not go to Turkey, via Wallaroo?
No, I'm back, says Arthur. A lot's happened to me since then. I've been surfing and performed a miracle with a frog cake and almost turned into a cockroach and had to have an exorcism. Then I got nits.
Wow, says Ouvert. Nits!
We haven't done ANYTHING, says Lavender. We look out of the window or we do the washing up.
We don't do the washing up, says Baby Pierre. Don't lie, Lavender.
I said we didn't do anything, says Lavender.
It was still a lie, says Baby Pierre.
No it wasn't, says Lavender. You don't see things like I do, that's all.
See what I have to put up with, says Baby Pierre.
You should get out more, says Arthur. Gaius is off to Wallaroo, or Turkey. I might go too.
Oh you might, might you? says Bunny, who has been listening. What about me, what about the Banksy project?
Banksy project? says Violetta, who has been listening. What Banksy project?
I meant to tell you about the Banksy project, says Gaius, who up to now has not been listening, but tossing up in his mind between Turkey and Wallaroo.
What is it? says Violetta. I know Banksy.
It's MY project, says Bunny. I'm trying to get him to write an article for Velosophy, but he won't reply.
That's Banksy for you, says Violetta. Want some advice? Write the article yourself, and say he wrote it. Banksy won't give a shit, and if he does it'll serve him right.
I do admire the camaraderie of street artists, says Gaius.
Thanks, Violetta, says Bunny. Arthur, want to write it?
Only if I can put my name to it, says Arthur.
You write it, says Bunny. I'll fix it.
I like you, Bunny, says Violetta. Contradictions do not trouble you. Are you coming to Wallaroo with me and Gaius?
Wait, says Gaius. I haven't decided I'm going. I see the Gate of Hell disappearing as an option.
If I want to go somewhere I go, says Arthur.
This strikes everyone as eminently sensible.
Why not go to Turkey, via Wallaroo?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Violetta's Bossy Way With Cucumbers
Gaius calls Violetta on the phone. Ring Ring.
Splosh! says Violetta, picking up.
Violetta! says Gaius. I haven't seen you since....I don't know.... the Ides of March! How about coming to lunch?
The Ides of March! says Violetta. What year was that? And who is this anyway?
Me, Gaius! says Gaius. So, are you coming?
Alright, says Violetta. Can I bring anything?
A chicken would be nice, says Gaius. And a bottle of something. See you soon, then, Violetta.
So she's coming, says Bunny.
Yes, says Gaius. She'll be here shortly.
Good! says Arthur. We don't have to have cucumbers.
Violetta arrives twenty minutes later with a chicken and two bottles of white wine.
Hello all! says Violetta. Gaius you idiot! Why didn't you tell me there were four of us? I'd have brought two chickens and four bottles.
No need, says Gaius. I have an excess of cucumbers. Unfortunately these young people do not like them. But you and I....
Gaius! says Violetta. I am the cucumber queen! Just let me at 'em.
Soon Violetta has taken over the kitchen. She whips up Cucumber and Yogurt Salad, Ginger Cucumber Salad, Cucumber and Mint Sandwiches, and finally, a hot dish of Cucumber and Braised Baby Onions.
Everyone sits down to eat. Mmmmmm. The chicken is nice.
After lunch and several glasses of wine the conversation turns to saving the Great Australian Cuttlefish.
We thought you might ....says Gaius.
Say no more, says Violetta. I can do cuttlefish. I'll splash 'em all over town. Everyone'll know about it. And we'll take a trip up the gulf and put a bomb under everyone up there.....
Err.... actually I'm saving for a trip to Turkey, says Gaius..
Turkey, what the fuck for? says Violetta.
He wants to see the Gate of Hell, says Bunny. And throw a sparrow in it.
Puh! spits Violetta. Make up your mind, Gaius Plinius Secundus. Wallaroo with me or Turkey with a sparrow?
Arthur wanders off. He doesn't like Violetta's way of taking over. And he doesn't like her bossy way with cucumbers.
He stares out of the kitchen window. Suddenly he hears the squeak of three familiar voices.
Arthur! squeak the voices, from the window sill.
Splosh! says Violetta, picking up.
Violetta! says Gaius. I haven't seen you since....I don't know.... the Ides of March! How about coming to lunch?
The Ides of March! says Violetta. What year was that? And who is this anyway?
Me, Gaius! says Gaius. So, are you coming?
Alright, says Violetta. Can I bring anything?
A chicken would be nice, says Gaius. And a bottle of something. See you soon, then, Violetta.
So she's coming, says Bunny.
Yes, says Gaius. She'll be here shortly.
Good! says Arthur. We don't have to have cucumbers.
Violetta arrives twenty minutes later with a chicken and two bottles of white wine.
Hello all! says Violetta. Gaius you idiot! Why didn't you tell me there were four of us? I'd have brought two chickens and four bottles.
No need, says Gaius. I have an excess of cucumbers. Unfortunately these young people do not like them. But you and I....
Gaius! says Violetta. I am the cucumber queen! Just let me at 'em.
Soon Violetta has taken over the kitchen. She whips up Cucumber and Yogurt Salad, Ginger Cucumber Salad, Cucumber and Mint Sandwiches, and finally, a hot dish of Cucumber and Braised Baby Onions.
Everyone sits down to eat. Mmmmmm. The chicken is nice.
After lunch and several glasses of wine the conversation turns to saving the Great Australian Cuttlefish.
We thought you might ....says Gaius.
Say no more, says Violetta. I can do cuttlefish. I'll splash 'em all over town. Everyone'll know about it. And we'll take a trip up the gulf and put a bomb under everyone up there.....
Err.... actually I'm saving for a trip to Turkey, says Gaius..
Turkey, what the fuck for? says Violetta.
He wants to see the Gate of Hell, says Bunny. And throw a sparrow in it.
Puh! spits Violetta. Make up your mind, Gaius Plinius Secundus. Wallaroo with me or Turkey with a sparrow?
Arthur wanders off. He doesn't like Violetta's way of taking over. And he doesn't like her bossy way with cucumbers.
He stares out of the kitchen window. Suddenly he hears the squeak of three familiar voices.
Arthur! squeak the voices, from the window sill.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Cuttlefish Propaganda
Alphabetical or date, says Gaius. It doesn't matter. Order is the thing.
Arthur sits down at the kitchen table to put the notes in order. It should be easy. Everything starts with C.
Cuttlefish.
He makes three piles, and arranges them in date order.
There, says Arthur. Done. Did you attend the Cuttlefish Protection Celebration?
No! says Gaius. Have I missed it?
Looks like it, says Arthur. It was on the 28th of March at the Saracens Head.
You see! says Gaius. This is an example of how much I need you. I was going to go to that.
What were they celebrating? asks Arthur.
A No Take Area in the Spencer Gulf, north of Wallaroo, says Gaius. A wonderful development for the Giant Australian Cuttlefish, which uniquely breeds there. But there is still much to be done. A desalination plant is being proposed at Port Lowly. The extra salt produced will kill the cuttlefish and squid eggs. We must fight on.
Wow! says Bunny. You're an activist! Like Banksy.
Banksy's not an activist, says Gaius. He's a street artist, who makes political statements through his art.
That makes him an activist, says Bunny. Why don't we get your friend Splosh! on board to save the cuttlefish.
What a clever child you are, says Gaius. Putting two and two together like that. I shall call Violetta immediately. She will splosh cuttlefish propaganda all over town. Then we'll have some lunch. Do you both like cucumbers?
No, says Arthur. I don't.
Nor do I, says Bunny.
What a pity, says Gaius. Because I grow them, and right now I have a glut.
Arthur sits down at the kitchen table to put the notes in order. It should be easy. Everything starts with C.
Cuttlefish.
He makes three piles, and arranges them in date order.
There, says Arthur. Done. Did you attend the Cuttlefish Protection Celebration?
No! says Gaius. Have I missed it?
Looks like it, says Arthur. It was on the 28th of March at the Saracens Head.
You see! says Gaius. This is an example of how much I need you. I was going to go to that.
What were they celebrating? asks Arthur.
A No Take Area in the Spencer Gulf, north of Wallaroo, says Gaius. A wonderful development for the Giant Australian Cuttlefish, which uniquely breeds there. But there is still much to be done. A desalination plant is being proposed at Port Lowly. The extra salt produced will kill the cuttlefish and squid eggs. We must fight on.
Wow! says Bunny. You're an activist! Like Banksy.
Banksy's not an activist, says Gaius. He's a street artist, who makes political statements through his art.
That makes him an activist, says Bunny. Why don't we get your friend Splosh! on board to save the cuttlefish.
What a clever child you are, says Gaius. Putting two and two together like that. I shall call Violetta immediately. She will splosh cuttlefish propaganda all over town. Then we'll have some lunch. Do you both like cucumbers?
No, says Arthur. I don't.
Nor do I, says Bunny.
What a pity, says Gaius. Because I grow them, and right now I have a glut.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Cuttlefish, Banksy And The Gate To Hell.
Knock knock.
Gaius opens the door.
Arthur! Just the man I want to see. Bunny! How nice to see you. Do come in, says Gaius.
They go into the kitchen where Gaius has been spreading out his notes.
You're a writer too! says Bunny. What are you writing?
I have many projects, says Gaius. Endangered cuttlefish for one...... But you have caught me at a most exciting moment. I have just heard that a certain Professor D'Andria has discovered the Gate to Hell at Pamukkala, somewhere in Turkey!
The Gate to Hell! says Bunny. Dad would like that! What is it?
An opening to the underworld, says Gaius, from whence emerged mephitic vapours that killed every animal that passed inside, according to the Greek geographer Strabo.
How did he know? says Arthur.
He threw in sparrows, says Gaius, whereupon they breathed their last.
Wow, says Bunny. That's cruelty.
No, says Gaius, that's science. I should very much like to see this Gate to Hell.
Are you going? says Arthur. Because we need somewhere to stay.
I am thinking of it, says Gaius. I just need the funds.....Now what was that? You need somewhere to stay? Why didn't you say so? You must both stay and help me sort out my papers.
We'll be busy, says Arthur. We're doing a Banksy project for Velosophy.
Bunny looks surprised. Since when was Arthur doing the Banksy project?
Banksy! says Gaius. There's someone I admire.
Bunny looks more surprised.
How come you even heard of Banksy? asks Bunny.
I am a friend of Splosh! says Gaius. She keeps me up to speed.
Splosh! Would she know Banksy? says Bunny.
They all know one another, says Gaius airily. Faile, Swoon, Micallef, Choe, Insect......
Brilliant, says Bunny. Because we haven't got too far with Banksy. He's so elusive.
Just you make yourselves at home, says Gaius, I'll get on to Violetta. That's her real name. Or so she has led me to believe. Now Arthur, here are my notes on cuttlefish, will you kindly put them in some kind of order.
Cuttlefish, says Arthur. Easy. Alphabetical or date?
Gaius opens the door.
Arthur! Just the man I want to see. Bunny! How nice to see you. Do come in, says Gaius.
They go into the kitchen where Gaius has been spreading out his notes.
You're a writer too! says Bunny. What are you writing?
I have many projects, says Gaius. Endangered cuttlefish for one...... But you have caught me at a most exciting moment. I have just heard that a certain Professor D'Andria has discovered the Gate to Hell at Pamukkala, somewhere in Turkey!
The Gate to Hell! says Bunny. Dad would like that! What is it?
An opening to the underworld, says Gaius, from whence emerged mephitic vapours that killed every animal that passed inside, according to the Greek geographer Strabo.
How did he know? says Arthur.
He threw in sparrows, says Gaius, whereupon they breathed their last.
Wow, says Bunny. That's cruelty.
No, says Gaius, that's science. I should very much like to see this Gate to Hell.
Are you going? says Arthur. Because we need somewhere to stay.
I am thinking of it, says Gaius. I just need the funds.....Now what was that? You need somewhere to stay? Why didn't you say so? You must both stay and help me sort out my papers.
We'll be busy, says Arthur. We're doing a Banksy project for Velosophy.
Bunny looks surprised. Since when was Arthur doing the Banksy project?
Banksy! says Gaius. There's someone I admire.
Bunny looks more surprised.
How come you even heard of Banksy? asks Bunny.
I am a friend of Splosh! says Gaius. She keeps me up to speed.
Splosh! Would she know Banksy? says Bunny.
They all know one another, says Gaius airily. Faile, Swoon, Micallef, Choe, Insect......
Brilliant, says Bunny. Because we haven't got too far with Banksy. He's so elusive.
Just you make yourselves at home, says Gaius, I'll get on to Violetta. That's her real name. Or so she has led me to believe. Now Arthur, here are my notes on cuttlefish, will you kindly put them in some kind of order.
Cuttlefish, says Arthur. Easy. Alphabetical or date?
Monday, April 1, 2013
Slowly Getting Screwed
It is still the Easter picnic. Bunny is sitting next to Mrs Hume. They are discussing books.
Bunny is leafing through her new book from Shakespeare and Company, a paperback copy of Lourdes, by Emile Zola.
I see why Marie and Belle et Bonne gave me this, says Bunny. It's about miracles and stuff. What did they give you?
Funnily enough, says Mrs Hume, they've given me the same book. Lourdes.
You probably won't like it, says Bunny. I bet you don't believe in miracles at all.
It's possible that Zola doesn't either, says Mrs Hume. Have you thought of that?
If he doesn't, says Bunny, why doesn't he say so at the beginning?
He wants us to read the book, says Mrs Hume. Let us do so. Then we can have a book club when we're done.
Alright, says Bunny, but that will be a while off. I'm heaps busy.
Why, surely it doesn't take long to read a book, says Mrs Hume. And you may not be so busy now Marie and Belle are back. Have you decided when you'll be moving out?
What? says Bunny. I'm not moving out.
I thought you were just living in their house while they were in Paris, says Mrs Hume.
I was, says Bunny. But I haven't anywhere to go.
You can always move in with me, says Mrs Hume. I'd like a young companion.
Well, maybe, if they kick me out, says Bunny.
Belle et Bonne has been listening.
Of course we won't kick you out, Bunny, says Belle et Bonne. You can move into the spare room if you like. And you can keep working on the Banksy project too, until it's finished.
Then what? says Bunny. Oh I get it! I'm slowly getting screwed.
She stands up and flounces off to talk to Arthur.
Arthur, says Bunny, where do you live, when you're in town?
Nowhere, come to think of it, says Arthur. I might look up Gaius. Do you want to come?
Yes, says Bunny. No one likes me here.
She walks back to the table, picks up Lourdes, and leaves with Arthur, who looks nice again, now that his nits are gone.
Bunny is leafing through her new book from Shakespeare and Company, a paperback copy of Lourdes, by Emile Zola.
I see why Marie and Belle et Bonne gave me this, says Bunny. It's about miracles and stuff. What did they give you?
Funnily enough, says Mrs Hume, they've given me the same book. Lourdes.
You probably won't like it, says Bunny. I bet you don't believe in miracles at all.
It's possible that Zola doesn't either, says Mrs Hume. Have you thought of that?
If he doesn't, says Bunny, why doesn't he say so at the beginning?
He wants us to read the book, says Mrs Hume. Let us do so. Then we can have a book club when we're done.
Alright, says Bunny, but that will be a while off. I'm heaps busy.
Why, surely it doesn't take long to read a book, says Mrs Hume. And you may not be so busy now Marie and Belle are back. Have you decided when you'll be moving out?
What? says Bunny. I'm not moving out.
I thought you were just living in their house while they were in Paris, says Mrs Hume.
I was, says Bunny. But I haven't anywhere to go.
You can always move in with me, says Mrs Hume. I'd like a young companion.
Well, maybe, if they kick me out, says Bunny.
Belle et Bonne has been listening.
Of course we won't kick you out, Bunny, says Belle et Bonne. You can move into the spare room if you like. And you can keep working on the Banksy project too, until it's finished.
Then what? says Bunny. Oh I get it! I'm slowly getting screwed.
She stands up and flounces off to talk to Arthur.
Arthur, says Bunny, where do you live, when you're in town?
Nowhere, come to think of it, says Arthur. I might look up Gaius. Do you want to come?
Yes, says Bunny. No one likes me here.
She walks back to the table, picks up Lourdes, and leaves with Arthur, who looks nice again, now that his nits are gone.
The Best Of Friends Discussing Creativity
It doesn't matter that it's raining. They have the Easter picnic at Mrs Hume's.
All the food is in plastic containers. All they need to do is remove the lids.
The free range chicken is all the more delicious for having been allowed to roam freely in a farmyard while it was living, and Mrs Hume's fizzy bean salad is a subject of much mystery and mirth.
Belle et Bonne is sitting next to Sweezus.
Thank you for rescuing Arthur, says Belle et Bonne.
He didn't need rescuing, says Sweezus. He says he knew where Ray Moon kept his knives.
Oh dear, says Belle et Bonne. Then it was definitely better that you went there. One or another of them might easily have been killed.
I nearly picked up a snake, says Sweezus. I thought it was a hose. I never like the country.
Poor Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne. But I suppose it took your mind off the unpleasant side of Easter.
Yeah, says Sweezus, but on the way home Arthur said I'm not creative.
Is that why you look glum? says Belle et Bonne. But dear, you ARE creative.
Not like Arthur is creative, mutters Sweezus. He writes awesome poetry, and steals things, and fights with knives...
He SAYS he does, says Belle et Bonne. But what has Arthur written lately? Whereas you......I saw that thing you did on Richard the Third. I thought it was quite lovely. It made me cry.
Did it? says Sweezus, brightening up a little.
Oh yes, says Belle et Bonne. You should have put your name to it, not given all the credit to Beyoncé.
Yep, says Sweezus I didn't think it through. That's me all over.
Never mind, says Belle et Bonne, We knew that it was you. And remember that assignment you did last year you got top marks for? The one about the monkeys in the zoo? It was so clever the way you wrote it from their point of view. Papa swore it had been written by a monkey.
Belle, you always cheer me up, says Sweezus. I love you.
All the food is in plastic containers. All they need to do is remove the lids.
The free range chicken is all the more delicious for having been allowed to roam freely in a farmyard while it was living, and Mrs Hume's fizzy bean salad is a subject of much mystery and mirth.
Belle et Bonne is sitting next to Sweezus.
Thank you for rescuing Arthur, says Belle et Bonne.
He didn't need rescuing, says Sweezus. He says he knew where Ray Moon kept his knives.
Oh dear, says Belle et Bonne. Then it was definitely better that you went there. One or another of them might easily have been killed.
I nearly picked up a snake, says Sweezus. I thought it was a hose. I never like the country.
Poor Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne. But I suppose it took your mind off the unpleasant side of Easter.
Yeah, says Sweezus, but on the way home Arthur said I'm not creative.
Is that why you look glum? says Belle et Bonne. But dear, you ARE creative.
Not like Arthur is creative, mutters Sweezus. He writes awesome poetry, and steals things, and fights with knives...
He SAYS he does, says Belle et Bonne. But what has Arthur written lately? Whereas you......I saw that thing you did on Richard the Third. I thought it was quite lovely. It made me cry.
Did it? says Sweezus, brightening up a little.
Oh yes, says Belle et Bonne. You should have put your name to it, not given all the credit to Beyoncé.
Yep, says Sweezus I didn't think it through. That's me all over.
Never mind, says Belle et Bonne, We knew that it was you. And remember that assignment you did last year you got top marks for? The one about the monkeys in the zoo? It was so clever the way you wrote it from their point of view. Papa swore it had been written by a monkey.
Belle, you always cheer me up, says Sweezus. I love you.
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