The Ecologist And The Onion

Mayor Clements has brought Vello and Shu to a Hanson Bay holiday cabin, without any food.

It's self catering, says Mayor Clements. Sorry about that. But there's a Cafe and Visitor Centre. And now I must love you and leave you. Council business. I'll send someone tomorrow to give you a lift back to Kingston. Well, as we say on Kangaroo Island, enjoy!

He drives off rather quickly.

Enjoy! says Vello. Remind me not to. Now, I wonder if Sweezus and Arthur are here yet.

Let's walk down to the bay, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. It looks beautiful in the soft afternoon light. The pristine waters, the sparkling beaches.....we can wait for them there.

Yes it does look quite nice, says Vello. If I were Jacques Cousteau I might dip my toes in.

And if I were Su-zu-ki, what would I do? says Ssü-K'ung Shu.

Invent something, says Vello.

I thought he was an ecologist? says Ssü-K'ung Shu.

I meant invent something to do, says Vello. Come on Shu! I thought you were a words man.

A Middle Tang poet, says Ssü-K'ung Shu. I evoke moods and images.

The two imposters walk down to the bay, and sit down on the sand.

I am a words man, says Vello. I used to write plays. But the language is changing. Why only the other day I learned that the French Academy has done away with the circumflex.

Is that important? asks Ssü-K'ung Shu, gazing out over the deceptive waters.

Is the evidence that an S has been omitted from a word at some point in time important? asks Vello.

Ssü-K'ung Shu is too polite to say no, it doesn't seem that important.

And furthermore, says Vello, flattening an area of sand with his fingers, they have decided, in their wisdom, to change the spelling of onion! Outrageous!

Onion? says Ssü-K'ung Shu. He feels out of his depth here. Thank goodness for Chinese characters.

The French onion, says Vello. We are no longer to spell it as 'oignon'.

How are we to spell it? asks Ssü-k'ung Shu.

Ognon! spits Vello, stabbing the letters spitefully into the flat rectangle of sand.

Og-non, says Ssü-k'ung Shu. That sounds ugly.

And looks ugly, says Vello.

Ssü-K'ung Shu sighs.

He stares at the ocean. He spots a reef just outside the protected bay. Huge waves, breaking on it.

That will be where .....

Suddenly the sounds of the ocean are replaced by the sounds of bicycle wheels, footsteps and artificial dialogue.

So you are a German?

Yes, your reverence.

What part of Germany do you come from?

From the dirty province of Westphalia. I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-Tronckh.

Good gracious me! You don't say so?

How extraordinary!

Can this really be you?

This is beyond the bounds of possibility!

And then we....

Sadly they don't get to (embrace each other and burst into tears).

There you are, you excellent boys! roars Vello. Spot on! My humble apologies. You have your lines down word perfect.

Arthur! cries Shu. He jumps up, embraces Arthur and bursts into...... (no!). But he swallows a great deal of spittle.

Fuck, says Sweezus. I mean..... woah! What are you guys doing here?

Just passing, says Vello. You'll never believe this, but the good people of Penneshaw have got it into their heads that I'm Jacques Cousteau.

Massive! says Sweezus. What did they play when you arrived?

'Under the Sea', says Vello.

From the Little Mermaid, says Sweezus. I know that one. Calypso-style music. Yeah, and that was the name of Jacques Cousteau's boat. Someone was clever.

Arthur, Vello, and Suü-K'ung Shu have to agree that someone on Kangaroo Island was clever.