Come Closer Yes Mmm

Who's your friend? asks Kobo.

This is Captain Baudin, beloved, says Ageless.

Call me Nicholas, says Captain Baudin.

And you may call me Kobo, says Kobo. 

That's her name, says Ageless. Is she not most delightful? 

I don't think he's seen me, says Kobo. Hey, I'm over here.

Captain Baudin looks at Kobo who appears to be a fossilised clam.

Where is her voice coming from?

It sounds creamy.

You could do with a bath, beloved, says Ageless.

Ageless! says Kobo.

It's probably kitchen grease, says Ageless.

She ignores him.

And what brings you here, Nicholas?

May I first say, madam, what a pleasure it is to meet such a beautiful clam, says Captain Baudin. As to what brings me here, I hear you have literary leanings, and I wondered if you might agree to assist me.

To do what? asks Kobo. I'm very busy.

Set me on the right path, says Captain Baudin. I'm playing the Narrator in Candide. 

There is no Narrator, says Kobo.

There is now, says Ageless. And he has to write his own lines.

Are YOU in it, Ageless? asks Kobo.

I'm playing the Old Woman, says Ageless. It wasn't my preference.

Because of the buttock, says Kobo. 

Yes, says Ageless. Because of the buttock.

You're performing scenes of the Storm and Earthquake and aftermath, says Kobo.

Isn't she intuitive! says Ageless.

I could hardly fail to hear Terence singing, says Kobo. The point is, Ageless, your part is quite small.

Ageless doesn't like where this is going.

Why don't you go into the garden and pick some grapes, says Kobo. I'll talk to Nicholas, whose part is much bigger.

Not necessarily, says Nicholas.

Don't be modest, says Kobo. Come closer. Yes... mmm.

Ageless is furious. Kobo is flirting.

But he must be careful not to provoke her. He slides down the taps and exits the sink via the chair.

He goes into the garden.

Terence is dancing outside, and singing his song, which is now even longer,

Storms are mean, earthquakes are meaner, they wear colourful socks! The people are drowned and dropped on by dangerous rocks...HAH!

Earthquakes don't generally wear colourful socks, says Ageless.

It's a PLAY, stupid! says Terence..

Dropped on by dangerous rocks needs improvement, says Ageless.

No one asked you! says Terence.

Ageless pokes about in the grape vine, looking for grapes.

Bad Luck People!

Ageless and Captain Baudin arrive at Gaius's house.

Ageless has his own key.

They enter and walk through to the kitchen.

Terence is singing his Storm and Earthquake song:

Flash crack smack hah! Bad luck people! HAH!

That's coming along nicely, says Captain Baudin. 

It's going to be a lot longer, says Terence.

That remains to be seen, says Gaius. 

At least Terence is getting on with developing his part, says Captain Baudin.

Indeed, says Gaius. You also have to write your own part. How's that going?

I've read through the play, says Captain Baudin. I find it hard to know whether it's a comedy or a tragedy.

We all do, says Gaiuis. The thing is to find a balance.

Ageless brought me here to meet his girl-friend, Kobo, says Captain Baudin. He says she may come up with some useful suggestions.

I'm sure she will, says Gaius. Well, make yourselves at home. There are grapes in the garden and you might find a stick or two of asparagus. I'm going to Spotlight, to look for a black cloak.

I'll come with you, says Kierkegaard. If I'm to be your stand-in, I'll need one as well.

Good thinking, says Gaius. 

They head off to Spotlight, which is just round the corner.

Flash crack smack, sings Terence. My toe came off in the dancing, It's on again,  Nothing bad happens to Storms and Earthquakes, only to people HAH HAH! 

Come and meet Kobo, says Ageless. She'll be up on the window sill.

He drags a chair over to the kitchen sink, climbs up onto it, and hoists himself upwards. In the sink now, he swings himself up by the taps, landing on the window sill.

Captain Baudin follows.

A few shells and rocks fall into the sink with a clatter.

Beloved! cries Ageless. 

Ageless, says Kobo. I am NOT your girl-friend.

This is not a good start. 

Storm And Earthquake Song

Afternoon. Gaius arrives home, with Terence.

Kierkegaard is waiting.

Where were you? asks Kierkegaard.

Where were YOU? asks Gaius.

Here, says Kierkegaard. 

Apologies, says Gaius. There was a meeting. I have a part in a play.

And me, says Terence. I'm the Storm and the Earthquake.

What's the play? asks Kierkegaard.

Candide, says Gaius. Vello puts it on every year in the Adelaide Fringe.

Everyone's in it, says Terence. Even Ageless and Captain Baudin.

But not me, says Kierkegaard. Pity. I wouldn't mind trying my hand at acting.

You may get an opportunity, says Gaius. I might need a stand-in.

What's a stand-in? asks Terence.

Someone who takes your part if you can't do it, says Gaius. They have to know all the lines.

Oh, says Terence. 

He starts taking his socks off. Something feels funny.

And why might you need a stand-in? asks Kierkegaard.

If the Trans-Tasman travel bubble is reinstated, says Gaius, I'll be off to New Zealand.

And are there many lines in your part? asks Kierkegaard.

Wah! cries Terence. My toe's come off again.

That's not a bad thing, says Gaius. I'll glue it back on right side up.

Terence thinks quickly.

If the toe's right side up, he won't need the socks, but he wants the socks as part of his costume.

His Storm and Earthquake song will be no good without them.

Gaius is looking for his fish glue. He finds it. Takes the lid off.

Well? says Kierkegaard.

I play an officer of the Inquisition, says Gaius. I overhear Pangloss saying everything that happens is for the best, and cannot be otherwise.

Oops, says Kierkegaard. Is Pangloss denying Free Will? I suppose he's arrested.

Yes, says Gaius. I accuse him of denying Original Sin.

What does he reply? asks Kierkegaard.

It's upside down again! says Terence.

Drat! says Gaius. That comes of not concentrating.

Yay! It's all for the best! says Terence, standing up, pulling his socks on, and dancing.

Theologo-Cosmolo

I look forward to being the Narrator, says Captain Baudin. Is there a script I could look at?

Not yet, says Vello. But here is a copy of Candide. Perhaps you could come up with something.

Captain Baudin is surprised.

He takes Vello's copy. Its spine is torn, and there are coffee stains on the cover.

Rehearsals, says Gaius. Where and when?

In the office, say Vello. Tomorrow morning. 

Will my costume be ready? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. But we'll do a fitting. Sweezus, you can wear last year's costume. Have you still got it?

Uh, probably, says Sweezus.

Arthur, I'll get you a sailor suit. Gaius, you just need a black cloak, David, your usual Pangloss costume, dirtied up a little, Ageless, oh yes, a cushion. and some string.

Does the Narrator have a costume? asks Captain Baudin.

I don't know, does he? asks Belle.

Theoretically, says Vello, the Narrator should dress up as me.

What a brilliant idea, papa, says Belle. Vello you or Voltaire you?

Let him choose, says Vello. 

What is this nonsense? says Captain Baudin, who is reading Candide from the beginning. What is metaphysico-theologo-cosmolo-nigo-logy?

Something I made up, says Vello. You don't need to read that bit. Just skip to the storm outside Lisbon.

That's me! says Terence. What do I say?

Storms don't speak, says Vello. They make noises.

Bash boom smash yah! shouts Terence.

A good start, says Vello. Why not make a song of it?

And a dance, says Terence. 

No one says no to the dance, so Terence starts dancing.

Inside his sock the fish glue is stressed to the limit.

His glued toe will drop out when he next takes his socks off.

Solving one or two problems.

The Brutal Sailor

Belle arrives at the café, in time for the cakes.

Pane al cioccolato, vaniglia cupcake, torta al limone, torta di carote e noce.

Sorry I'm late, says Belle. I was inspecting the venue.

How is it? asks Vello, biting into a torta al limone.

It's outdoors on a slope, says Belle. 

Let's hope it doesn't rain, says David.

Let's hope it DOES! says Terence. I'm playing the Storm and the Earthquake.

Oh no! says Belle. Are you? 

Yes! says Terence. And this is my costume.

Aquamarine socks with a water-sports theme? says Belle. I think we can do better.

Make me a thunder and lightning shirt , says Terence. Black and purple and yellow. But I'm keeping the socks. I have to.

He does have to, says Sweezus. He's got that upside-down toe.

So has everyone agreed to be in it? asks Belle.

Yes, says Vello.

(although everyone hasn't)

I haven't agreed, says Arthur. 

The brutal sailor role will showcase your acting abilities, says Vello. 

And I haven't, says Ageless. 

There's only one part left, says David. The old woman.

I refuse to play the old woman, says Ageless,

It's not difficult, says Gaius. I played her last year. You'll be given a cushion to wear on your right buttock.

That was fine for you, says Ageless. But a lobster doesn't have buttocks.

We can make you a buttock, says Belle.  

Can I have a cupcake? asks Terence.

Have the other half of this one, says Sweezus. It's vanilla. It's yummy. 

Ageless winces, for some reason.

What does the brutal sailor do? asks Arthur.

During the tempest, says Vello, James the Anabaptist ( that's me ) assists you to climb on board again after you've been left dangling on a broken mast hanging over the ship's side. Due to my strenuous efforts I fall overboard myself. You ignore my plight and I perish. Later the ship splits in two, and you swim to shore. Pangloss and Candide cling to a plank and are washed up after you. After the earthquake you risk your life searching for money among the ruins, you find some, and get drunk.

Playing against type, says Gaius.

Thank you, says Arthur.

 

Playing The Earthquake

Perfect for what? asks Captain Baudin.

The Narrator, says Vello. 

There's to be a Narrator? says David, surprised.

An innovation, which has just come to mind, says Vello. 

Baudin may not be comfortable with performing, says David.

Are we doing Candide again? asks Sweezus.

We? says Vello. Have I asked you to be in it?

Not yet, says Sweezus. But I'll be in it, if you ask me.

Me too, says Terence. Can I be the Bright Red Object?

There will be no Bright Red Object this year, says Vello. We're doing the Earthquake and Aftermath.

Most ambitious! says Gaius. What are the parts?

James the Anabaptist, says Vello. Candide of course. Doctor Pangloss, the Man in Black....

Can I be the Man in Black? asks Terence. And can I wear these socks? Because...

No, says Vello. The Man in Black is an officer of the Inquisition. He has too many lines. And furthermore, he would not wear such comical socks.

This sounds intriguing, says Captain Baudin. How does the plot go?

It's an excerpt, says Vello. Candide and Pangloss are sailing to Lisbon with James the Anabaptist. There is a great storm, followed by a terrible earthquake and sixty thousand deaths. You will narrate this, as our props are limited, and the audience must understand what's happening.

Good thinking, says David.

Cool, says Sweezus. Am I Candide again? Is Belle in it?

Only at the end, says Vello.

David's order arrives at the table. Cafe latte, cappuccino, three flat whites, espresso, a red drink, a piadina capocollo, a mushroom tigelle, a tramezzini al tonno, two rotolos al cotto and a torta di spinici.

We'll order cakes later, says David.

And a brutal sailor, says Vello. I forgot to mention him. That will be you, Arthur.

Terence knocks his red drink accidentally, reaching for a rotolo al cotto.

Several coffees slop into their saucers. A few spoons and a cake knife drop onto the floor.

Terence could play the Earthquake, says Ageless.

Yay! Can I? asks Terence.

Perfect for What?

 The next day. Lunch time.

Ageless and Captain Baudin wait for Gaius, in a Norwood café.

Terence runs in.

Where's Gaius? asks Ageless. Is he coming?

He's coming, says Terence. 

Terence clambers onto a stool.

Nice socks, says Ageless.

Terence had forgotten he was wearing Carol's old socks.

One of them's hiding my secret upside-down toe, says Terence.

You don't say, says Ageless. How'd that happen?

That's what socks do, says Terence.

That's not what I meant, says Ageless.

Gaius arrives moments later, and sits down.

At last, says Captain Baudin.

I'm not late am I? asks Gaius. Where are the others?

At least we can have that chat about the Cincinnati, says Captain Baudin.

O yes, says Gaius. I know all about the Cincinnati. A terrible family. Tried to prevent the plebs from voting.

Are you sure ? asks Captain Baudin. The Society of the Cincinnati is prestigious, 

Fiddlesticks, says Gaius. I grant you Lucius Quintius knew when to go. But as to his reputation for civic virtue....

Where did he go? asks Captain Baudin. 

Back to his plough, on his farm outside Rome, says Gaius.

The Society of the Cincinnati is in America, says Captain Baudin. I was under the impression that George Washington had something to do with it....

But now Vello and David have arrived.

Greetings, dear lobsters and Gaius! says Vello. And Terence, in his vibrant aquamarine socks. Where are the others?

I don't need others. I've only got two feet, says Terence.

What? Only two feet! Ha ha! laughs Vello.

What's everyone having? asks David. Shall I order coffee?

He goes to the counter.

Sweezus and Arthur come in and sit down.

Good, says Vello. We're all here. I have a proposition. But first, what are everyone's plans?

My plans are on hold, says Gaius. The bubble with New Zealand is temporarily cancelled.

Wonderful, says Vello.

Gaius frowns.

Work, says Sweezus. 

Good to hear, says Vello. But I know what that means.

Ditto, says Arthur.

Since when? asks Vello.

Baudin and I are free agents, says Ageless.

Not exactly...., begins Captain Baudin.

Nonsense! says Vello. A retired sea captain is always a free agent. And you will be perfect.

That's got their attention. Perfect for what?

Victoria Park - Too Old To Do

I can't help thinking we're too old to do this, says Vello.

It was your idea, says David. You must have known a heatwave was likely.

A bit of heat won't hurt us, says Gaius.

Yes but forty three degrees, says Vello. The advice is to stay indoors and keep cool.

Too late now. The Criterium has started.

Twenty laps round the race course.

All Luke Durbridge has to do is not take a tumble.

There's no time for talking.

Nevertheless Sweezus finds himself next to Richie, and starts talking.

Hey man, says Sweezus. Good ride yesterday.

Thanks mate, says Richie. Couldn't've done it without Plappy.

Yeah? says Sweezus.

Yeah, says Richie. He could've passed me but he didn't. Kudos to him.

Sweezus thinks yeah freakin' kudos to Plappy.

Richie speeds up to narrow a gap.

Arthur rides up behind Sweezus.

Again there's no time for talking.

But Sweezus starts talking.

If I was at the top of Willy Hill and you were right behind me and you thought you could pass me what would you do?

Good question, says Arthur. And what if it was me?

It is you, says Sweezus.

I mean what if I was winning, but you could pass me, says Arthur. Would you?

Would never happen, says Sweezus.

But now they have both lost momentum.

They won't face that conundrum today.

McLaren Vale to Willunga - Tactic

Stage three. Even hotter.

Belle is at Snapper Point, waiting, with drinks.

Can I have one? asks Terence.

Yes, says Belle. You must keep hydrated.

Vello and David approach and slow down. 

Belle hands out the drinks.

Ahh! I needed that, says Vello.

Me too, says David.

Sweezus speeds by, without grabbing a water.

He is trying to catch up with Richie, before Willunga Hill, where catching up will be hopeless.

Ageless and Captain Baudin are standing nearby, under a red and white striped umbrella.

Go and offer them drinks, says Belle, to Terence. 

He goes.

Ageless is talking.

We would have won easily, but we were disqualified, says Ageless.

On what grounds? asks Captain Baudin. 

Starpuss was declared dead, says Ageless. Starpuss was our secret weapon.

Dead? says Captain Baudin.

He is only half listening, watching out for Gaius.

Yes, says Ageless. We were never quite certain. We pulled her behind us, in a box on wheels.

Unusual tactic, says Captain Baudin.

It was the weight on the downhill, says Ageless. Would have given us a huge advantage.

I see, says Captain Baudin. But one should not use the dead in that way.

She was floating, in water and occasionally produced bubbles, says Ageless. We weren't to know she was dead. She was Decco's girlfriend.

Want a drink? asks Terence.

No thanks, says Ageless. 

 So she too was a lobster? asks Captain Baudin.

No, a particularly muscular starfish, says Ageless.

In spite of, or perhaps because of its strangeness, Captain Baudin likes this story.

....

Meanwhile as usual Richie is powering up Willunga Hill like a demon. 

At the top, his team mate Luke Plapp, just behind him, starts clapping.

Birdwood to Lobethal - Exploits

Bang! The teams ride out of Birdwood.

We should make the most of today, says David. It's going to be hotter tomorrow.

You mean, make a big effort? says Vello.

No, conserve our legs, says David. 

I disagree, says Gaius. We have a better chance of a podium position today.

Well if you feel so energetic, off you go! says Vello.

Gaius speeds away, grumbling to himself about leadership lacking.

And where are the spectators? 

Not many this year.

Luke Plapp zips past him.

Another Luke.

Funny.

Although Gaius, not knowing his name, doesn't think so.

He is thinking about where he'll go next, when the National Road Series is over.

He is overtaken by Richie.

Hey, Gaius, says Richie. 

Hello Richie, says Gaius. Good to see you.

You too, says Richie. It's the best place to be.

Is it? asks Gaius. O yes, I suppose so. There's also New Zealand.

Yeah, says Richie. You thinking of going?

A few things to do first, says Gaius. 

They have just passed Ageless and Captain Baudin, who have stationed themselves under a Lobethal ghost gum. 

Ageless: That was Gaius!

Captain Baudin: I saw him. Did you hear what he said?

Ageless: A few things to do first.

Captain Baudin: One of them is chat to me about the Cincinnati.

Ageless: Who are the Cincinnati?

Captain Baudin: That society I was telling you about yesterday.

Ageless: Here comes Arthur! And Sweezus! and Luke Durbridge!

Captain Baudin: I knew you weren't listening. You were too busy talking about your own exploits.

Ageless: I can't help it. This race brings back memories of the time I led Team Crustacean.

Captain Baudin: I still don't understand how you did it.

Ageless: Our legs were strapped up. Me and Karko and Decca. O we were powerful.

Captain Baudin is too polite to say that he doubts it. 

Stage One: Seppeltsfield to Tanunda - Also Not Trying

Seppeltsfield. A hot day.

The race has already started.

Terence stands at the start line with Belle.

Want to see my Charitchi? asks Terence.

I've seen it a million times, says Belle. Would you like a red drink with a straw?

Yay! says Terence.

Wait here, says Belle.

Terence waits. He is not far from where Captain Baudin and Ageless Lobster are standing.

They are talking at cross purposes, about the old days.

...

Team Philosophe is pedalling out of Seppeltsfield in a leisurely manner.

Vello: This is pleasant 

David: Yes, it's nice to be out in the country.

Gaius: I hope you're not slacking on my account.

Vello: We thought you'd be tired.

Gaius: Not at all. We must appear to be trying.

David: He's right.

Vello: He is. Let's speed up a bit.

They speed up a bit, and pass someone who is also not trying.

...

Up ahead, Sweezus is following Kierkegaard, who is leading him out.

They pass palm trees and parrots.

Sweezus is looking for Arthur, who must be somewhere ahead of the peloton.

There he is now.

...

The first intermediate sprint is coming up. 

...

The first intermediate sprint is over.

Luke Durbridge slips off the front.

Sweezus sees him disappearing 

What's happened to Arthur?

Kierkegaard slows and draws level with Sweezus.

Funny name for a team, says Kierkegaard.

What is? asks Sweezus.

InForm TM Insight Make, says Kierkegaard.

Shit yeah, that's heaps funny, says Sweezus. Who's in it?

That chap, says Kierkegaard.

Raphael Freienstein zips past.

.....

The name might be funny.

But Raphael comes second, just over two minutes behind Luke Durbridge, from Team Bike Exchange, a name that by comparison is less funny.

A God Concerned

It's early morning when they arrive back at Carol's.

Gaius has left, for the ferry.

Did he take Terence? asks Sweezus.

Of course he did, says Carol.

How come he left in a hurry? asks Sweezus.

He's been invited to join Team Philosophe, says Carol. And the race begins later today.

Scheisse! Where? asks Sweezus.

Louisa knows, says Carol.

Seppeltsfield, says Louisa. Are you going?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Me and Arthur and Kierky.

I wasn't... says Arthur.

No, he isn't, says Victor. Not till this chemist robbery case is cleared up.

What's that on your trousers? asks Carol.

Is it still there? asks Victor.

Yes, take them off, says Carol. I'll soak them.

I offered to do it, says Captain Baudin. But they were in too much of a hurry.

Are you going with them to Adelaide? asks Louisa.

O no, says Captain Baudin.

You should go, says Louisa. You could catch up with Ageless.

Yeah why not, says Sweezus. Come with us. And you can talk to Gaius about the Cincinnati.

Captain Baudin looks glum. 

If he goes, he might miss the next mail delivery.

But it's a long time since he's seen Ageless. It might cheer him up.

He makes a decision.

Breakfast first, says Carol. How about pancakes, drizzled with Ligurian honey?

Who could say no?

.......

On the ferry back to Cape Jervis, Gaius is doing calculations.

Drat! He won't get to Seppeltsfield on time.

But he has reckoned without Vello. who has sent a large Uber with bike racks to Uber him to the Barossa.

.....

They have not travelled far when Terence remembers he left his Charitchi on the ferry.

They turn back, as there is now plenty of time.

Gaius goes to lost property to enquire about the Charitchi.

They have it! As he is signing the release form, the next ferry arrives. 

Sweezus, Arthur ( he came!), Kierkegaard, and Captain Baudin disembark with three bicycles.

Hey! Gaius!

Well met, lads! says Gaius. Vello has sent me an Uber with several bike racks. Can I offer you a lift to Seppeltsfield?

Awesome! says Sweezus. 

If he didn't know better, he'd believe there's a god who concerns himself with such things.

Replies That Vanished

It's almost dark when they pick up the ladder.

Sweezus and Kierkegaard are in charge of it this time.

Good practice, says Sweezus.

For what? asks Kierkegaard.

Festival of Cycling, says Sweezus. We'll head back first thing in the morning.

Will there be novelty races? asks Kierkegaard.

Maybe, says Sweezus, but I just meant it's harder.

Copy that, says Victor.

He is cycling gingerly now.

The blood's drying, says Captain Baudin. You can soak your trousers at my place.

We can't stop there, says Sweezus.

I'm not in a hurry, says Victor. 

.....

Later. The moon is up. Waves crash in the background. 

Captain Baudin climbs down from Victor's bike seat.

He heads for his letter box.

The letter box is not much of a letterbox.

It's a cleft in his rock. The mail gets blown away sometimes. Soaked by ocean waves, or slanting rain.

After which he can't read the writing.

Who knows how many replies he has had from the Society of the Cincinnati?

Replies which have vanished.

He reaches into the cleft with his claw. 

....

An hour later Captain Baudin has recovered from his disappointment.

He has been invited back to Carol's to have a chat with Gaius.

Gaius will no doubt have tales of the Cincinnati, who sound Roman.

 

Face To Face With The Bottom

They cycle away from the lighthouse.

Sorry if my remark caused you to leave prematurely, says Victor.

Not at all, says Captain Baudin. I was about to leave anyway.

Captain Baudin is perched on Victor's bicycle seat, clutching it tightly.

It brings him face to face with Victor's bottom.

Victor, says Captain Baudin. Are you aware that you're bleeding?

 Victor was not. But he knew that the back of his trousers was damp.

It may be mercury, says Victor. I had a suspicion I'd broken the thermometer.

But you placed it in a plastic bag, says Kierkegaard. 

And then sat on it, says Victor.

Cheer up, says Captain Baudin. I'm convinced that it's blood, and not mercury.

How can you be sure? asks Victor.

I was in the French merchant navy, says Captain Baudin. Captured by the English. Escaped and recaptured. I've seen plenty of blood spilled in my lifetime.

I guess that was before you were a lobster, says Sweezus. 

Of course, says Captain Baudin. I was eventually made Captain of the Admiralty at La Rochelle. At that time such an honour could not be bestowed on a lobster.

Captain of the Admiralty! says Victor. That was good.

Very good, says Captain Baudin. And even better, at present I'm waiting to find out if I've been accepted as a member of the Society of the Cincinnati.

Do they accept lobsters? asks Sweezus.

To be honest they're unaware I'm a lobster, says Captain Baudin. I felt, living here, it wasn't necessary to tell them.

Is that why you want to check your mail? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Captain Baudin. I have been waiting since 1784 for an answer. Today could be the day.

Well yes. But strictly speaking it's still Christmas Day, with no mail delivery. 

On the other hand, the Festival of Cycling commences tomorrow.

So it must be the 19th of January.

That's one of the mysteries of SPACE-TIME.

Turning Violet

Captain du Couedic finds the dinner mints.

Captain Baudin pours the coffee.

Make yourselves comfortable, says Captain du Couedic.

The philosophers sit down.

There is a faint cracking sound, when Victor does it.

He hopes it was not the thermometer.

No point looking now.

So the thermometer was stolen, says Captain du Couedic. If only I'd known that.

What would you have done? asks Kierkegaard.

Buried it, says Captain du Couedic.

Buried it? asks Victor.

Hypothetical now, says Captain du Couedic. It is recovered. Another dinner mint?

Don't mind if I do, says Victor.

He takes a dinner mint and bites off a corner.

Interesting, says Victor.

What is? asks Sweezus. The dinner mint or what Captain du Couedic just said?

Burying stolen goods, says Victor. I wonder what else is buried near this light house?

Are you accusing us of receiving stolen goods? asks Captain du Couedic.

Us? says Captain Baudin. I don't even reside here. 

That's right he doesn't, says Arthur. He lives under a rock.

My rock, says Captain Baudin. 

Me then? says Captain du Couedic. 

But Victor doesn't follow it up. He is sitting in a damp spot.

Has the thermometer broken?

Best be off, says Victor, standing up and patting the back of his trousers.

Okay, says Sweezus. Thanks for the coffee.

And mints, says Kierkegaard. 

Wait. I'll come with you, says Captain Baudin.

Captain du Couedic looks pained.

No offence, mon ami, says Captain Baudin. I need to return to my rock and check if the mail's come.

.....

Captain du Couedic sits alone at the top of his light house, gazing out at the sea.

The sun is sinking. The sky turning violet.

Life is long.

He sucks on a dinner mint.

Fingerprints And Dinner Mints

The philosophers soon reach the lighthouse.

Sweezus knocks on the door.

After some time the door opens.

We're closed today, says Captain Baudin. 

It's us, says Sweezus. Did you get the thermometer?

Captain Baudin peers at the visitors. 

Why do you want to know?

We need a receipt, says Sweezus. Saint Roley didn't get one.

You want to see Captain du Couedic, says Captain Baudin.

I thought you were him, says Sweezus.

An easy mistake, says Captain Baudin. We are both sea captains.

And both lobsters, says Victor. 

Come up, says Captain Baudin.

They trail up the stairs.

Captain du Couedic is sitting in an arm chair, gazing at the ocean, through a window.

He turns around.

Them again! 

We're closed, today, says Captain du Couedic.

We know, says Sweezus. We just want....

Victor interrupts him.

We're here on police business, says Victor. May I see the thermometer?

The replacement thermometer? asks Captain du Couedic. 

If that's what you call it, says Victor. Where is it?

Here, says Captain du Couedic. He points to the table. 

On the table are plates of French crumbs, broken cracker biscuits, smears of fish paste, several olive stones, a few dirty feathers, and a thermometer sitting askew in a glass of clear liquid.

Methylated spirits, says Captain du Couedic. I'm attempting to clean it.

Arthur picks up the feathers. They are his. They had stuck to the thermometer, when it was in his pocket.

Victor picks up the thermometer, and examines it.

Do you have proof of ownership of this item?

Such as? asks Captain du Couedic.

A receipt, says Victor.

No, says Captain du Couedic. But I have a receipt for the one that was broken.

Can you produce it? asks Victor.

What use will that be? asks Kierkegaard. You don't suspect that one was stolen.

STOLEN! cries Captain du Couedic. If this thermometer was stolen then I shall return it! 

He lifts the thermometer from the glass of methylated spirits.

And hands it to Victor.

Victor puts it into a plastic bag that he keeps handy for evidence.

It may still have fingerprints on it.

Coffee, anyone? asks Captain du Couedic. And there's bound to be dinner mints, somewhere.

Cutting A Corner

Victor, you aced it! says Sweezus. Character is destiny. Where'd that come from?

Police officers manual, says Victor.

No way, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Victor. But it's in there somewhere. Or something like it.

Yeah but it sounds like what Heraclitus would say, says Sweezus.

I know, says Victor. That's why I chose it.

Reckon it's true? asks Sweezus. What's my destiny?

Well, you seem rather lazy, says Victor. And unfocussed. And you neglect Terence, in spite of the fact you're his guardian..

That's my character, says Sweezus. Not my destiny.

It's meant to be the same thing, says Arthur.

I hadn't finished, says Victor. 

Shouldn't we get this ladder through the fence and get moving? asks Kierkegaard. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. We should.

Let me do it, says Arthur. Thales is the ladder man.

Okay, says Sweezus. What was your mathematical discovery again?

Watch this, says Arthur.

He drags the ladder to the fence. Stands it upright. Then tips it over.

Now the ladder is on the other side of the fence, forming an angle.

See that, says Arthur. That's a right angle.

Where? asks Sweezus.

The angle of the fence to the ground, says Kierkegaard. But it's always there. One doesn't need the ladder.

Pedant, says Arthur. But you're right. We don't need the ladder.

Was that your discovery? asks Victor.

No, it's a new idea, says Arthur. Leave the ladder here, and go on to the lighthouse without it.

Yeah you're right. We don't need it, says Sweezus. We can knock on the door.

I thought we were doing a re-enactment, says Victor.

Just cutting a corner, says Sweezus.

Everyone agrees, after thinking about it.

They don't need the ladder.

They get on their bikes and cycle the rest of the way to the lighthouse without it.

Character Is Destiny

Sweezus and Kierkegaard have reached the Flinders Chase entrance. It's closed.

They wait for Arthur and Victor, who are not far behind, with the ladder.

Ring! It's Sweezus's phone.

Hi boss, says Sweezus.

Hello, says Vello. When will you be back in Adelaide?

Pretty soon, says Sweezus. How'd the quarantine go?

Don't remind me, says Vello. You do know the Tour Down Under was cancelled?

Yeah, says Sweezus.

But we're having a Festival of Cycling, says Vello. A bit Mickey Mouse, but that's the sporting life these days. 

Yeah I know. I'm coming back for it, says Sweezus. Soon as I've finished up here.

How's that story progressing? asks Vello. 

Everything's cool, says Sweezus. Kierkegaard's helping.

He's no minor philosopher! says Vello.

I know, says Sweezus. We've got two actual minor philosophers, bringing up the ladder.

Who are they? asks Vello. 

Heraclitus and Thales, says Sweezus.

Well done! says Vello. Are they with you now? May I speak with Heraclitus?

He's a bit out out of breath, says Sweezus.

Well Thales then, says Vello.

Sweezus makes an agonised face at Arthur. 

What? says Arthur. 

The boss, mouths Sweezus. Wants to talk to Thales.

He hands Arthur his phone. 

Elloa, says Arthur.

Pardon? says Vello.

Elloo-aa! says Arthur.

Is that you, Arthur? asks Vello.

Nooo-a, says Arthur. Ee arm Thales.

Sweezus kicks him on the shin.

Arthur drops his end of the ladder.

Sweezus grabs back the phone.

He's dropped the ladder, says Sweezus. Can I call you back later?

No, I'll be busy. Let me talk to Heraclitus. He must have his breath back by now.

Sweezus hands Victor the phone. 

Heraclitus speaking, says Victor, in a disguised voice, much better than Arthur's. 

(He enjoys undercover work).

How fortunate that you just happened to be on Kangaroo Island, says Vello.

Not at all, says Heraclitus. I come often.

But I'm guessing you don't often take part in a rescue, says Vello.

Wrong, says Heraclitus, I have my Mobius ladder. 

I hope Sweezus isn't writing this up as a comedy, says Vello.

I would not allow that, says Heraclitus. It is a serious matter. We are about to enter the deadly precincts, though a hole in the fence. It involves a few ups and downs with the ladder. We must be allowed to get on with it. 

All right, says Vello. Good luck with the rescue.

No luck involved, says Heraclitus. Character is destiny.

 

Parrot Thinks About Socks

Take my toe off, says Terence. And glue it on again.

It's not that simple, says Gaius. It's dried.

Undry it! says Terence.

I'll need a solvent, says Gaius. Nail polish remover is best. I'll ask Carol.

He goes off to find Carol.

You should keep it like it is, says Charitchi.

Why? asks Terence. It'll scrape when I walk. No more sneaking.

Do you go in for sneaking? asks Charitchi.

Lots, says Terence. I never sleep, that's why.

What about a sock? asks Charitchi.

What about one? asks Terence.

You could wear one, says Charitchi. Or two if you want to look normal.

You're so smart, you should think about being a parrot, says Terence.

No way, says Charitchi. I never think about parrots. Ai! Too late now! 

It IS too late now. Charitchi is riding a parrot.

Yay! says Terence. Ask it what it thinks about socks.

It doesn't think, says Charitchi.

I do, says the parrot. But not about socks.

Start thinking, says Terence. (He's used to giving orders to parrots).

Gaius appears with a pair of low-cut aquamarine socks, with tiny swimsuit-clad figures engaged in aquatic activities woven into the pattern.

They are Carol's. She doesn't wear nail polish.

Try these, says Gaius. 

Terence tries on the socks. They are loose round the heels, but stay on.

Everyone admires them, including the parrot.

Horror! Sniff! Hic!

I didn't wish you'd be riding a lobster, says Terence.

Then who did? asks his Charitchi. I loved my Harley.

Woop, says Terence. Now you're riding a lobster. That proves life isn't fair.

Life should be fair for a digital pet, says Charitchi.

Yes, says Terence. And it should be fair for someone who used to live in a palace.

Meaning you? asks Charitchi.

Meaning me, says Terence. And someone whose toe just fell off.

Meaning you? asks Charitchi.

Me again, says Terence. Can you smell fish glue?

I don't smell, says Charitchi.

Lucky you, says Terence.

Let me see the toe, says Charitchi.

Terence elevates the toe in question, so Charitchi can see it.

Ha ha ha ha, laughs Charitchi.

Why is it laughing? 

Terence looks at his fish-glued toe.

Horror! The toenail is missing! 

He calls Gaius. 

Gaius is talking to someone, on his phone.

Yes that would be a pair of hooded plovers. If you see any more, take a picture. By the way, Saint Roley has returned. No I don't think so, shall I ask him? All right, would you like to talk to Terence, he's had a slight mishap.... here Terence, tell Sweezus what's happened....

Terence: Guess what?

Sweezus: You had a mishap.

Terence: Two mishaps. 

Sweezus: What was the first one?

Terence: My big toe fell off.

Sweezus: Has Gaius fixed it with fish glue?

Terence: Yes and now my toenail is missing! Wah! Hic!

Sweezus: Calm down, little buddy. Your toenails are different from most people's toenails. They're an integral part of your toe. 

Terence: What does that mean?

Sweezus, They're cement, yeah? So your toe and toenail are all in one piece. Your toenails don't fall off and grow back like ours do. 

Terence: Well it's MISSING! And my Charitchi is laughing!

Sweezus: Okay little dude, maybe he knows where it is. Ask him.

Terence: Sniff! Hic!

Gaius: It's me again. Saint Roley doesn't have a receipt for the thermometer. 

Sweezus: Bugger. That means we'll have to go all the way to the lighthouse.

Gaius: I thought that was the plan anyway.

Sweezus: It'll have to be now. Has Terence found his toenail?

Gaius: Toenail? What toenail?

Sweezus: He reckons it's missing.

Gaius: Impossible! Let me look..... ahh... I see what's happened. I've glued it on upside down.

On Some Level Related

Terence is bored. 

Play with the Charitchi, says Louisa.

No, says Terence. It doesn't need me.

He stomps outside, into the garden.

Kicks a few rocks, which Carol had been using as borders.

Ouch! Bumhole! Now he's lost his big toe.

He runs inside to tell Gaius.

Gaius is in the kitchen, washing dishes. 

What is it? asks Gaius.

My big toe fell off! wails Terence. 

There'll be some fish glue in my backpack, says Gaius. Where's the toe now?

Terence doesn't know where the toe is.

What's happened? asks Louisa, coming in with more dishes. 

Terence has lost his toe in the garden, says Gaius. 

So, Terence! says Louisa. The bad luck you wished Sweezus has come back to bite you. 

Then what use is bad luck? wonders Terence.

Gaius takes Terence outside.

We'll find it, says Gaius. Where were you when it fell off?

Here, says Terence. Or there, maybe.

Gaius starts looking, among Carol's rocks. 

Saint Roley lands in the garden.

Hey! Guess what? says Terence. 

What? asks Saint Roley.

I lost my big toe, says Terence. 

Life is seldom fair, says Saint Roley. Lobsters eat other lobsters.. 

Those things are unrelated, says Gaius.

All things are on some level related, says Saint Roley. Is this small knobbish piece of cement the toe in question?

It might be related, says Terence.

It seems a safe answer.

Gaius takes it as a yes.

Soon Terence is inside on the sofa, waiting for the fish glue to dry.

He is bored. He uncovers the Charitchi.

You made this happen says Terence. My toe fell off because I was bored and I was bored because ....hey! why are you riding a lobster?

You wished it, says the Charitchi.

Counting The Water

Did anyone bring any water? asks Sweezus.

I didn't, says Arthur.

We left in rather a hurry, says Kierkegaard.

I have water, says Victor. Be prepared, that's our motto.

I thought it was Keeping SA Safe, says Sweezus.

And how do you think we do that? asks Victor.

Okay, says Sweezus. Can I have some?

I'll see what I've got, says Victor.

He stops cycling.

Arthur is jolted, as the back of the ladder stops too.

Arthur falls off his bicycle.

You okay? asks Sweezus. Shit, you're bleeding.

It's just my elbow, says Arthur. 

Victor examines his water bottle. Slish-slosh. 

Half full, says Victor.

Or half empty, says Kierkegaard.

If you're a pessimist, says Victor.

Or completely full, says Arthur. If you're a chemist.

You delirious? asks Sweezus.

A chemistry joke, says Arthur. Half air half water.

I thought you were googling maths jokes, says Sweezus.

It was included, says Arthur. Because of the fractions.

Do you need any water? asks Victor.

Arthur takes the bottle. Tips water into his cupped hand. Dips his bleeding elbow in it. Wipes the elbow dry on his shorts. Drinks the red water.

It's gross, but it's Arthur. He's done worse.

Kierkegaard spots a pair of hooded plovers.

What are those? asks Kierkegaard. We should record our bird sightings for Gaius.

Birds, says Sweezus. No you're right. We should. I reckon they're oystercatchers.

They're not oystercatchers, says Victor. They don't look like Saint Roley. 

True, says Sweezus. Gaius'll know, if we record their characteristics

Too late now, says Kierkegaard. They've gone.

Come on Victor, says Arthur. 

Yes, come on Victor, says Kierkegaard. You're a policeman, trained in observation.

They had black hoods, white underparts and red eye rings, says Victor.

That's a win for the police force! 

Two, counting the water.

The Mobius Ladder

 Hey, this is good! says Arthur. An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

What's that? asks Victor.

A vegetable, says Arthur. 

I know what an onion is, says Victor. But what's the idea of it?

A Platonic onion, says Kierkegaard.

It's a maths joke, says Arthur. What's 3.14159?

Pi, says Sweezus.

So what's an opinion without pi? asks Arthur.

An onion, says Victor. That's clever. I must write it down.

Did you make that joke up? asks Sweezus.

No. I'm googling maths jokes, says Arthur. 

Cool, says Sweezus. Are there any ladder ones?

Arthur scrolls down. 

His bike wobbles.

Luckily he has the back end of the ladder.

Victor is leading.

Victor spots a purple crowned lorikeet.

Was Gaius looking for purple crowned lorikeets? asks Victor.

Dunno, says Sweezus. Was he?

Anything that flew, says Kierkegaard. 

They laugh. No one makes a note of the location.

The purple crowned lorikeet has flown off, in any case.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? asks Arthur.

Don't know, says Victor.

To get to the same side, says Arthur.

Ha ha, laughs Kierkegaard.

I don't get it, says Victor.

Imagine the ladder is flexible, says Kierkegaard. Now imagine you give it one twist and then join up the ends. It's a Mobius ladder.

Good explanation, says Sweezus. 

I try to be useful, says Kierkegaard.

Where is the chicken? asks Victor.

Always on the same side of the ladder, says Arthur.

Victor gets it now. He laughs, belatedly.

Same River Twice

Sweezus, Arthur, Victor and Kierkegaard are cycling towards Cape du Couedic.

Arthur and Victor are managing the ladder between them.

Should we be speaking in character? asks Victor.

There's nothing to stop you, says Sweezus.

There is, says Victor. What sorts of things did Heraclitus say?

I can help you with that, says Kierkegaard. Heraclitus is famous for saying you can't step into the same river twice.

Is that so? says Victor.

He certainly said it, says Kierkegaard.

Man! says Sweezus. That's deep when you think about it. Yeah. It's not the same river.

Why not? asks Victor. I step into the River Torrens. I step out.  I step in again. It's still the River Torrens.

The water is different, says Arthur. The section you stepped in has flowed past you.

Not always, says Victor.

Heraclitus would have been picturing a fast flowing river, says Kierkegaard. But a sluggish river is still changing from one moment to the next. 

Bugs, says Victor. Floating sticks. Condoms.

If you like, says Kierkegaard.

I get it, says Victor. Now how do I relate it to the ladder?

I'll leave that to you, says Kierkegaard. It'll seem more natural.

This is going well, says Sweezus. 

He looks at Arthur. 

I thought I was the ladder man, says Arthur.

Yeah, but more from the maths end, says Sweezus.

Maybe I'll make a mathematical discovery, says Arthur.

He starts counting the rungs.

This ladder, says Victor. It's the same ladder, no matter how far we are down the road.

Good point, says Sweezus.

But the scenery's different, says Kierkegaard.

And the angle, says Sweezus. When they go over a hole.

Arthur has never liked maths. He doesn't expect to make a mathematical discovery. 

He gets out his phone, and googles Thales.

One of the Seven Sages of Greece. Believed everything was basically made out of water.

Arthur is not impressed by his alias.

He starts googling maths jokes.

Gotta Keep It Simple

Hercules would be useful on a rescue mission, says Victor.

Irrelevant, says Kierkegaard. He was not a philosopher.

All right, says Victor. I'll take Heraclitus as my alias.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Who'll be Thales?

Me, says Arthur.

Thales was a mathematician, says Gaius. The first known person to whom a mathematical discovery was attributed.

He'll be our ladder man, says Sweezus. Heraclitus can be.... what?

The maker of cryptic utterances, says Gaius.

Ha ha, laughs Kierkegaard. You expect me to invent cryptic utterances?

You expect me to make them? asks Victor.

You won't have to make them, I'll make them, says Kierkegaard.

All right then, says Victor. But first, is there any more trifle?

Yes, says Carol. And look! A glacé cherry!

She spears it with a dessert fork, and drops it on top of Victor's second helping.

Who can I be? asks Terence.

You're not in it, says Sweezus. You didn't go.

But it's a made-up story, says Terence. So I could be in it.

Beep! 

Your Charigotchi wants to be in it, says Louisa.

Yeah, says Reedy. I bet that's what it wants.

It can't be in it unless I say so, says Terence.

It can't be in it anyway, says Sweezus. Gotta keep things simple.

Hear hear, says Gaius. So Victor is Heraclitus the Obscure, and Arthur is Thales. Will you perform a re-enactment?

Good thinking, says Sweezus. You up for it Kierky?

Of course he is. It will help him forget Angelina.

Can you do it without the ladder? asks Louisa. It's back at my place.

I guess so, says Sweezus.

I have a ladder, says Carol. You're welcome to borrow it.

Very kind, says Gaius. When will you lads set off on the re-enactment?

This arvo, says Sweezus. The roads'll be quiet.

Beep! goes the Charigotchi. Beep! Beep!

No one bothers to see what he wants. He has probably already got it.

Have a nap first, says Carol. Let the Wild Gin wear off.

But they are fired up now.

Arthur and Victor have already gone out to find Carol's ladder.

Kierkegaard and Sweezus, the ghost writers, grab a last handful of popcorn.

Good luck, says Louisa.

Bad luck, says Terence.

Can you have both things at once?

A question for Heraclitus.

The Wrong Philosopher

Why Heraclitus and Thales? asks Arthur.

I admire the old Greek philosophers, says Gaius. They thought of everything.

That's debatable says Kierkegaard. 

So, not them? asks Sweezus.

No, I'll work with them, says Kierkegaard. We'll fit them into the story.

Cool, says Sweezus. You start thinking. I'd better find that receipt.

We don't have it, says Arthur. Saint Roley's returning the thermometer. He's not back yet.

Bummer! says Sweezus. Did you remind him to ask for one.

No, says Arthur. When's Victor coming?

Now.

The doorbell rings. Carol answers.

Come in, Victor, You're just in time for the trifle.

I'm here to pick up a piece of evidence, says Victor.

Have some trifle anyway, says Carol.

Is there alcohol in it? asks Victor.

Cherries, says Carol. Cream and custard. Jelly. Stale cake, silver balls...

No need to give me the recipe, says Victor.

He comes in.

Sits on the sofa. Beep!

He shifts hastily.

Ha ha, laughs Kierkegaard. You sat on Terence's digital pet.

Oops! says Victor, uncovering the Charigotchi.

Very nice. It's riding a motor bike!

What? says Terence. It's a road bike.

I know a motor bike when I see one, says Victor. It looks like a Harley.

Terence runs over.

His Charigotchi is riding a Harley. 

You can't just get what you want, says Terence. 

I can! boasts Charigotchi.

You'll pay for this, says Terence. 

It sounds threatening and it's supposed to.

Not now, says Victor.

Carol offers him a bowl of trifle, with silver balls but no glacé cherry.

Delicious, says Victor. Now, where's that receipt?

On its way, says Sweezus.

From where? asks Victor.

It's probably in the air at the moment, says Sweezus. Saint Roley's bringing it.

Hello? says Victor. So I'm here under false pretences.

Which turns out to be fortunate, says Gaius. Weren't you a member of the Ear rescue team?

I was, says Victor.

Kierkegaard is helping Sweezus reconstruct the story for his Velosophy magazine, says Gaius.

It's not my magazine, says Sweezus.

Vello's magazine, says Gaius. And they have come to a critical juncture.

Yeah, says Sweezus, do you wanna be in it?  

No, says Victor. It wouldn't look good for the police force. We broke through the fence. And trespassed without a warrant.

That's the cool bit, says Sweezus. We'll give you an alias. Like, you'd be an old Greek philosopher.

Heraclitus, or Thales, says Gaius.

You do know the difference? asks Kierkegaard.

One was a strong man, says Victor.

That was Hercules, says Gaius.

Digital Cherries

Before you agree to anything, says Gaius, you need to know that your input will be attributed to two minor philosophers.

I was going to tell him, says Sweezus.

Apologies, says Gaius.

He takes a handful of popcorn.

Carol brings in the trifle.

Which two? asks Kierkegaard. And why?

Yeah well, I promised the boss a good story, says Sweezus. But I didn't say who. 

That is encouraging, says Kierkegaard. How do I fit into the picture? 

That's what we need to work out, says Sweezus.

Have some trifle first, says Carol. It's got real cherries in it, and cream and custard.

Does it have crumbled stale cake in the jelly? asks Kierkegaard.

Yes, says Carol. I always make it that way. And there are silver balls on the top, and glacé cherries.

Real cherries and glacé cherries? says Kierkegaard.

Beep! goes the cushion.

Terence runs across to the cushion. 

Charigotchi has ordered some cherries.

Hah! says Terence. You're not getting any!

Beep beep. A bowl of digital cherries appears. Charigotchi consumes the cherries. 

Nom-nom! says Charigotchi. He gets on his digital bike and starts pedalling.

Terence replaces the cushion.

Sweezus's phone rings. It's Victor.

Merry Christmas, says Victor. Have you got that receipt yet?

Um, says Sweezus. I'll ask Arthur. Arthur, have we got that receipt?

Somewhere, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

All right if I drop in and pick it up? asks Victor.

No. We're at Carol's, says Sweezus.

Louisa's mother? says Victor. I'll be passing there shortly. See you soon.

Shit, says Sweezus. Where were we?

Which two minor philosophers would you like me to be? asks Kierkegaard.

It seems a reasonable question. It's not just the Wild Gin that makes him ask it.

How about Heraclitus and Thales? suggests Gaius.

An unexpected suggestion. But who has a better one?

Yeah, them, says Sweezus.

Dizziness Of Freedom

Welcome, says Carol, opening the door. You must be Soren.

I am, says Kierkegaard. You must be Carol.

Come in, we're just having popcorn and trifle, says Carol. And Louisa has opened the Wild Gin.

Wonderful, says Kierkegaard. Thanks for the invitation.

He enters the room.

Kierky, says Sweezus. How's it hanging?

So-so, says Kierkegaard. In fact, I've been at a loose end.

You should have called us, says Gaius. We thought you were tied up with Angelina.

I was, says Kierkegaard. She returned to Mount Compass School for Term Four. After which she promised to come back to Kangaroo Island. But she hasn't.

Maybe she's dead, says Terence.

Hello, Terence, says Kierkegaard. No, she's just gone off me.

I've gone off Charigotchi, says Terence. 

What is that? Some sort of sausage? asks Kierkegaard.

Sausage! laughs Terence. Sit down over there.

Kierkegaard would prefer to sit at the table where the popcorn and trifle and Wild Gin are.

But he humours Terence.

He sits on the sofa.

Not there. On the cushion, says Terence.

Kierkegaard sits on the cushion.

Beep! goes something that must have been under the cushion.

Kierkegaard shifts hastily. 

That's my Charigotchi, says Terence. He's out of control.

Come and sit at the table, says Carol. 

Louisa pours Kierkegaard a Wild Gin.

Where are the Ears? asks Kierkegaard.

Ruined, says Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. We need to talk about that.

Kierkegaard reaches for popcorn.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Long story. The Ears were at the lighthouse, with Captain du Couedic. Arthur and me and Victor went to rescue them at night with a ladder. They didn't want to come until Captain Baudin dunked them in water and they went soggy. We rescued them but then they got mixed in with the sushi we were making. Arthur ate one and yeah, I reckon the other one got grated.

I didn't eat it, you ate it, says Arthur

Kierkegaard finishes his Wild Gin and asks for another. It's good to be back with his colleagues. 

Why do we need to talk about that? asks Kierkegaard.

Put a philosophical spin on it, says Arthur. But not too German.

I'm Danish, says Kierkegaard.

I know that, says Arthur.

Yeah, we know that. says Sweezus. So will you?

I....begins Kierkegaard.

O the dizziness of freedom!

Is Nitchy-wah Something You Want?

See that? says Terence's bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi.

You didn't die, says Terence.

I'll never die, says the bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi.

But no one picked up your droppings, says Terence.

The death function is disabled, says the bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi.

That's good, says Terence. Reedy did it.

Want some popcorn? asks the bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi.

Not your popcorn, says Terence. It's made out of droppings.

It's real popcorn, says the bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi. Reedy fixed it so that I can have what I want.

Terence frowns.

Reedy should never have fixed his Tamagotchi so it could have what it wants.

Konnichiwa, says the bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi.

Nitchy-wah? Is that something you want? asks Terence. 

It means Good afternoon, says the bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi. My name is Charigotchi.  What is your name?

Owner, says Terence.

No it isn't, says Charigotchi. That's a trick name. I'm going to call you Marutchi, which means baby.

Terence has had enough of his Tamagotchi. 

He buries it under a cushion.

And goes to the table where Gaius is calling Kierkegaard to see if he's still on Kangaroo Island and if so, would he like to come over to Carol's, for trifle and popcorn?

Kierkegaard has been sitting alone in his motel room, googling himself.

There are many quotes attributed to him, which he doesn't remember.

When for example would he have claimed anxiety was the dizziness of freedom? And when was his standpoint armed neutrality?

What a wanker. 

Then his phone rings.

Soren! says Gaius. Are you by any chance still on Kangaroo Island?

I am, says Kierkegaard. Alone in Kingscote.

Excellent, says Gaius. Would you like to join us for popcorn and trifle?

Am I dreaming ? wonders Kierkegaard. Surely not. Would I dream up popcorn and trifle?

I would love to, says Kierkegaard. Where are you?

Gaius gives him Carol's address, which is just down the road, as it happens.

I'll walk there, says Kierkegaard. Shall I bring anything?

Just your best thoughts, says Gaius.

Kierkegaard feels dizzily anxious, arms himself with neutrality, leaves his room, and walks down the road to Carol's.

Puff Up

That's the bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi, says Reedy. Good job.

It's dying! says Terence.

So they weren't stones. says Reedy. Give it here.

Coffee anyone, asks Carol?

She boils some water, while Reedy attempts to disable the droppings function.

Louisa looks at Arthur.

So you might stay on KI?

Just for the summer, says Arthur.

I've gotta go back, says Sweezus. The boss'll expect me.

Try this, says Reedy.

Terence's bird-on-a-bike Tamagotchi has revived.

It's too soon to tell if there will be droppings.

Good on you, Reedy, says Sweezus. 

No worries, says Reedy. I studied TT.

No one asks him what TT is.

If they had he would have answered: Toy Technology.

Which would have been funny.

The kettle is boiling, for the coffee. 

RIP boiling water, says Reedy. You will be mist.

He is determined to get a laugh somehow.

Ha ha! laughs Gaius. Very good. You will be mist. 

Fuck! says Sweezus.

What's up? asks Arthur.

The BOSS! says Sweezus. I left him in quarantine.

He'll be out now, says Arthur.

Yeah but he only swapped places with me on one condition, says Sweezus.

The two minor philosophers, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. I had to write an article about the rescue from the lighthouse. And he agreed because I told him two minor philosophers were involved.

Did you say who they were? asks Carol.

No, says Sweezus. Mainly because I was bullshitting.

There should be plenty of philosophers on KI, says Carol.

Perhaps Kierkegaard is still here, says Gaius. Shall we try him?

He's not minor, says Sweezus. But he might be useful.

Invite him over, says Carol. We've still got popcorn and trifle.

Terence's Tamagotchi bird-on-a-bike skids to a halt on his droppings.

Beep! Popcorn!

The droppings pop loudly.

And puff up.

Cool Droppings

Sweezus has put down his potato and opened the Tamagotchi.

But he's no technician.

He pokes about in the tiny workings.

Poke. That should do something.

He replaces the back of the Tamagotchi, and returns to his potato.

Thank you, says Terence,

He goes back to the sofa.

Did you know what you were doing? asks Arthur.

Yes and no, says Sweezus.

At least you tried, says Carol. You'd make a good parent.

He wouldn't, says Arthur. 

Are you a parent, Gaius? asks Carol.

Mum! says Louisa.

What? says Carol. Just asking.

No, says Gaius. I've never married. But I do have a nephew, who admires me.

How lovely, says Carol. Where does he live?

Rome, as far as I know, says Gaius.

More salad? asks Carol.

Thank you, says Gaius. I must say I do like a salad that doesn't feature tomato.

So where to next? asks Carol. What are your plans for the new year?

I suppose I should make some, says Gaius. First I must wind up my work here.

What about you boys? asks Carol.

Dunno, says Sweezus. Back to Adelaide I guess. There's no Tour Down Under, but there'll be events for the locals. 

I might stay here, says Arthur. 

Me too, says Reedy.

You live here, Reedy, says Carol.

Louisa looks hopeful (about Arthur not Reedy)

A loud noise erupts from the sofa.

YESS! says Terence. 

What's up, little buddy? asks Sweezus.

It's got a beak and a bike now! says Terence. It's grown into a parrot. And it's a road bike. Look at these stones!

(let's hope they are stones and not droppings)