A Circular Finish

Gaius and David pass Katherine's tree.

Under the tree, her book lies open.

I trust nothing has happened, says Gaius.

So do I, says David. 

He takes out his whistle, and blows.

Katherine emerges from the undergrowth, hitching up her long johns.

Before you say anything, says Katherine, I did not pee.

Gaius nods, as though this is quite natural.

David wonders what she had thought they might say.

I remembered that we're supposed to use the quarantine room, says Katherine. Did you wonder what had happened? 

We trusted nothing had happened, says Gaius. 

But you blew a whistle, says Katherine.

To be on the safe side, says David.

Any excuse, says Gaius.

Are you blaming me for silencing the wetapunga? asks David.

Did you find one? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Gaius. And I made a short video.

Show it to me on the way back to the bunkhouse, says Katherine. I'm in rather a hurry.

They start walking, while Gaius calls the video up on his phone.

Katherine has left her book behind, in her haste, and her interest in seeing the wetapunga.

The hihi flutters down.

Tzit-tzit.

It rips the top page out, with its thin curved beak, and returns to its nest, inside the knothole. 

Chapter Three. How To Take Your Time. 

To lose a page devoted to a chapter heading is not the greatest loss.

Especially as the chapter heading reappears at the top of each page,

But what about the text overleaf? On page 32. And that text is essential, showing in snail trails and spiral forms the beginning of Proust's longest sentence, which meanders to a circular finish in the middle of page 33.

Katherine does not deserve this.

She's a woman who held in her pee for the good of the island.

Unity Shattered

A crunching sound and a whistle.

The wetapunga stops shrilling.

David appears.

What an inopportune moment! says Gaius. I was recording the giant wetapunga.

Sorry, says David. Has it gone?

It does seem to have gone.

Never mind, says Gaius. I'll return in the evening.

What for? asks David. 

To observe their mating procedures, says Gaius. 

I passed Katherine, says David. She's spotted a hihi.

Well done, says Gaius.

She wasn't even looking, says David. It fluttered down beside her. She looked it up on her phone.

Serendipitous, says Gaius. Did she take a photo?

I didn't ask, says David. Would you like a banana chip?

No thank you. They taste like plastic, says Gaius. 

Go on, says David. They must be nutritious.

All right, says Gaius, taking a banana chip. 

Snap. It is as he remembers.

Did you spot any penguins? asks Gaius.

No, says David. I spent the time thinking up empirical problems.

I assume those are problems based on immediate experience, says Gaius. 

Yes, says David. Rather than logical conclusions.

All my problems are of that nature, says Gaius.

Perhaps we are thinking at cross purposes, says David. What about problems with numbers?

The kakapo is a fine example, says Gaius. Are there 147 or 209?

Take the whole numbers, nought to nine, says David.

No, no, says Gaius. There must be at least 147.

Now using these numbers, each digit being used only once, express numbers whose sum is unity, says David. Usual notations allowed.

Mathematics! says Gaius. Were you really thinking that up instead of looking for penguins?

I was, says David.

And what is the answer? asks Gaius.

I imagine there are multiple answers, says David.

I agree with you there, says Gaius.

He takes another banana chip. 

Snap. It shatters.

They walk back to the bunkhouse, leaving the wetapunga, who has remained within earshot, something to chew on.

What Else Am I Not?

Arthur returns to the bunkhouse to pick up more snacks.

David is eating banana chips.

These taste like plastic, says David.

Do you eat much plastic? asks Arthur.

Very funny, says David. Did you find a wetapunga?

Not yet, says Arthur. Gaius is still out there looking.

He won't give up, says David. 

It's a cricket, says Arthur. 

You don't say, says David. It sounds more like a large mammal.

It probably sounds like a cricket, says Arthur. Did you find a blue penguin?

No, says David. I gazed at the sea. It was calming. I came up with an empirical problem.

Lack of snacks? says Arthur.

A mathematical one, says David. Involving whole numbers.

I'm off, says Arthur. To look for my shoes. If I see a blue penguin I'll tell you.

You do that, says David. I think I'll go and find Gaius. Which way did he go?

That way, says Arthur, pointing. Take your whistle.

They go their own ways.

Gaius is poking about in the low vegetation. He has heard a high pitched sound, produced (he supposes) by a stridulatory apparatus.

The sound has stopped, as these sounds do when someone approaches.

A rustle of leaves. Gaius speaks softly.

Don't go. I'm a natural historian. 

And not what? asks the wetapunga.

This is promising. Although the question is rather broad based.

Not a predator, says Gaius. Not a ranger. Not a person who wants to tag you or put you in a cage.

And what else? asks the wetapunga.

Am I not? asks Gaius.

Pardon? asks the wetapunga. Oh. Yes. What else are you not?

A woman, says Gaius.

Good answer, says the wetapunga.  I'm not one either.

I assume you're a male wetapunga, says Gaius.

Indeed, says the male wetapunga. I go stalking at night. Is that what you do?

I was intending to go out at night, says Gaius. To look for the kakapo.

Women, says the wetapunga. That's what I look for.

How interesting, says Gaius. And when you find one?

I stay twenty five centimetres back, says the wetapunga. Follow her. Then I move. No courtship ritual, or anything.

And how do they like it? asks Gaius. No, forget I asked that question.

They like it, says the wetapunga. Anything else I can answer? 

Many things, no doubt, says Gaius. But I was really looking for you on behalf of a friend. May I take a photo? Better still, a brief video?

The wetapunga tunes up his femoro-abdominal mechanism.

Enter The Knothole

What are we looking for? asks Arthur.

The giant weta, says Gaius. You know that.

But what does it look like? asks Arthur.

He kicks at the leafy undergrowth.

A cricket, says Gaius. Broad body, round head, short mandibles.

Arthur loses interest in the wetapunga, on learning these facts. 

You should go back to the dingy and recover your shoes, says Gaius. You never know what you might step on.

All right, says Arthur. 

He is only too happy.

On the way he passes Katherine, who is resting against an old tree, reading her book about Proust.

Hello, Arthur, says Katherine. Found a wetapunga?

Not yet, says Arthur. I'm just collecting my shoes.

Good idea, says Katherine. No doubt there will be all sorts of spiders and beetles in the undergrowth. 

Tzit-tzit! 

A hihi, pops its head out of a knothole.

Spiders and beetles? Where?

But Arthur is not interested in the hihi. 

How's the book? he asks, taking a slice of dried apple from Katherine's packet.

I'm reading the chapter on how to suffer successfully, says Katherine.

Maybe I should read it, says Arthur.

You never seem to suffer, says Katherine.

That's why I should read it, says Arthur. 

Ha ha, laughs Katherine. She puts the book down.

The hihi flutters down and lands beside it.

Hello bird, says Katherine. Do you want to know more on the subject? Proust thinks we don't really learn anything properly until we encounter a problem. 

The hihi thinks, I should read this book, I have several problems. 

It flutters back up again. Enters the knothole.

The answer to our problems lies below, says the hihi.

Tzit-tzit, says the other.

If only we could read it, says the hihi.

Tzit-tzit, says the other,

I wonder if that was a hihi? says Katherine.

She picks up her smart phone and googles the hihi. It was. She reads further.

The hihi is the only member of it's own family, says Katherine. The Notiomystidae.

Notiomystidae, says Arthur. That sounds made up.

All names are made up, says Katherine. I bet the hihi doesn't know it's a hihi, let alone a member of the family Notiomystidae.

True, says Arthur, finishing the dried apple slice and taking another.

That's enough, Arthur, says Katherine, returning to Proust.

The hihi meanwhile has learned something about the magic of phones.

Squeak And Squiffle

They drop their gear in the bunkhouse.

I'll leave you to it, says the Ranger. Don't venture beyond the visitors' track network. And use the toilets in the quarantine room. No fires. Don't drop rubbish.

Certainly, says Gaius. And I take it we have your permission to leave the bunkhouse at night?

You do, says the Ranger. Take your whistles.

He leaves, to do his rounds of the island.

Right, says Katherine. I'm going to read my book under a tree.

What about the hihi? asks Gaius.

There may be a hihi in the tree, says Katherine. 

Look for knotholes, fairly high up, in old trees, says Gaius. That's where their nests are. 

Thanks for that, Gaius, says Katherine, taking her book, a hat and a handful of dried apple slices.

She heads down the visitors' track to look for a suitable tree. 

I'll wander off and look for blue penguins, says David.

You do that, says Gaius. Arthur and I will search for wetapunga.

Will we? says Arthur.

Indeed, says Gaius. Wetapunga feed mainly at night, but are also active during the day. Come, Arthur.

Should we eat first? asks Arthur.

Very sensible, says Gaius, opening the packet of protein balls.

They eat one or two.

And head off to look for leafy vegetation in second growth forests on the lower slopes of the island.

David has gone back to the dinghy. He supposes that if there are penguins they will be found near the water.

He sits down on a boulder, and gazes out to sea.

He doesn't see any penguins, although there are penguins nearby, huddled in a cleft between the boulders.

They squeak and squiffle.

But David is thinking up answers to empirical problems. Ones which rely on observation rather than logical systems. It's his hobby.

He realises after several minutes, that he is hungry, and heads back to the bunkhouse.

The penguins stay put.

You Love Giant Insects

They have taken their shoes off, and climbed out of the dinghy.

It has proceeded to float way.

Luckily, Katherine has thought to take hold of the cable.

She tugs on the cable.

They all help to heave the dinghy over the boulders.

Arthur hitches it to the trunk of a tree.

Hello, says the Island Ranger, now appearing.

Good morning, says Gaius. 

You did that the hard way, says the Ranger.

Meaning? says David.

We could have hauled you up the slipway, says the Ranger. It's just over there. 

Hum, says Gaius, only now seeing the slipway. Never mind. It was a challenge.

Are you the party of Katherine Hume? asks the Ranger.

Yes, says Katherine. Here is my permit.

The Ranger examines the permit.

You've all gone through quarantine, I see, says the Ranger. That's good.

Katherine wonders if she should admit that Arthur hasn't. Only his whistle and snacks.

Which might cause a hold up. 

At least he has left his shoes in the dinghy. And seems in no hurry to retrieve them.

Follow me, says the Ranger. I'll show you the way to the bunkhouse.

They follow the ranger, along a track through the forest, to the bunkhouse.

What's your main interest? asks the Ranger. Birds? A rare white kiwi was spotted not far from here yesterday

The kakapo, in particular, says Gaius.

Then you'll want a night permit, says the Ranger.

I should like to learn more about the hihi, says Katherine. 

The Ranger looks at David.

What else is here? asks David.

It's a veritable Noah's Ark, says the Ranger. We have wetapunga, kokako and ticke, tuatara, kiwi, tui, korimako, kakariki, poteke, kereru, hihi, karuhiruhi, popokatea, miromiro, titipounamu, riroriro and  korora, that's the blue penguin.

Right, says David. I have a degree of interest in the blue penguin.

Katherine looks scornful.

And you? says the Ranger, turning to Arthur.

The wetapunga, says Arthur.

It's the only name he remembers.

You like giant insects? asks the Ranger.

I love them, says Arthur.

Under Volcanoes

The trip takes two hours.

The Bonnie Celeste stops, a short distance offshore.

There is no sand on the island. 

They must land amongst boulders.

Now, says Steve, I'll leave you the dinghy, and return to this spot at four pm tomorrow. Call me if anything changes.

Will do, says Katherine. Arthur, you get in first.

Arthur drops into the dinghy, and sits in the middle. 

Steve hands down the oars. Arthur fits them into the oarlocks.

Gaius looks on approvingly. Arthur can always be relied upon to know about things such as oarlocks.

David steps into the dinghy. 

Wey-o! It dips obliquely. Arthur is almost unseated.

Sit down David! calls Katherine. Not there! At the back. Centre your bottom, no wonder it's tipping.

Now you, Katherine, says Steve. Careful. Well done! Easy!

Gaius is last to board the dinghy. He has done it before. Not this dinghy, but other dinghies. Under volcanoes. This one is a doddle, although Te Hauturu-o-Toi is also volcanic. Just look at those 300 metre high cliffs. He looks up. Impressive. 

Steve chucks the backpacks into the dinghy. Unclips the cable. Throws it to Arthur, who kicks it under his seat.

Happy exploring! says Steve, turning on his outboard motor.

Rroooom! Steve is soon a dot on the horizon. 

Arthur is facing the island.

He pushes down with his legs, leans back and pulls in with his arms.

The dinghy moves smoothly away from the island.

Just turning, says Arthur.

What did that girl do, in the video, to turn her boat round?

Problem? asks David.

No, says Arthur. He remembers that there were three ways.

one: drag a paddle

or: paddle with one

or: pull with one, push with the other.

or: weren't the first two the same?

Whatever, the third way was the fastest.

He pulls as he pushes.

The dinghy spins around in the water and heads for the boulders.

I'll keep a lookout for the first boulder, says David. We don't want a hole in our bottom. Oop! There! Careful!

But Arthur has already planned a smooth landing.

He explains the procedure.

Graze the first boulder. Stop. Take your shoes off. Get out. Drag the dinghy over the boulders. Clip it to a tree. 

Arthur has obviously thought this out beforehand. 

Well done he.

The Terrible Power

What a mystery. No one else can see Yaah.

Even Arthur.

Yaah stretches an arm out, and grabs at the stalk that is twisting and writhing in the wake of the Bonnie Celeste. 

He misses.

It bobs in the water behind the receding sea shuttle.

Yaah dives into the sea.

He strikes out boldly.

He reaches the ruined kelp vessel.

Sees two lobsters, clinging underneath.

What do you think you are doing? asks Yaah.

Failing to realise Plan B, says Captain Baudin.

Which was? asks Yaah.

Who are you to be asking such a question? asks Dufresne.

A figment of Arthur's, says Yaah.

Plan B was what we came up with when Plan A foundered, says Captain Baudin. We had no compass. 

We made our way back to the wharf and tied up behind the Bonnie Celeste, says Dufresne. We had not factored in the terrible power of a modern outboard motor.

Why not? asks Yaah.

Fate, says Baudin. We are destined not to reach Te Hauturu-o-Toi.

You believe things are destined? asks Yaah. 

We do now, says Dufresne.

But here I am, says Yaah. A figment of Arthur's imagination. I'm thinking of going to Te Hauturu-o-Toi myself. You might come with me.

That is most kind, says Baudin. How will we get there? Swim?

Arthur's imagination might stretch to that, says Yaah. Or he might decide I should apply for a permit. 

We must arrive under our own steam, says Baudin. Those are the conditions.

You will, says Yaah. 

...

On board the Bonnie Celeste, Steve is regaling his passengers with anecdotes, and large mugs of coffee.

There was this one time, says Steve....

Everyone listens but Arthur, who is busy controlling his figment.....

Brief Flash Of Claw

Arthur is asleep in a dinghy.

Earlier, he had unclipped it. It had floated away.

A girl in shorts had shouted instructions from the low jetty.

Push down with your legs! Lean back! Pull in with the arms! Use your abs!

But there are no oars in the dinghy. 

He wakes up, to the sounds of boats clinking.

Where is he? Why is he in a dinghy?

Then he remembers it was the idea of Yaah.

And where is Yaah anyway?

Was he only a figment?

Arthur! What on earth are you doing in that dinghy?

It's Katherine, peering down from the pontoon.

Thought I'd make an early start, says Arthur.

The Bonnie Celeste is over there,  says Katherine. Come with me.

Arthur scrambles out of the dinghy.

At least now he knows how to row. Push, lean, pull, use your abs.

I brought your clean things, says Katherine. 

And my whistle? says Arthur.

You won't need that yet, says Katherine. Here we are. The Bonnie Celeste.

Yo, Arthur! says Steve. Saw you lying over there in a dinghy. 

Did you? says Arthur. Was there anyone with me?

Not that I saw, says Steve.

Hello Arthur, says David, who has already boarded the Bonnie Celeste. I've just been admiring this spacious vessel. It has a stereo, a barbecue and a toilet.

Also up to date safety equipment, says Steve. And a Yamaha 250 hp outboard motor. She cruises comfortably at 22 knots, capable of doing 30.

Arthur yawns, which appears rude but isn't intentional.

Gaius comes up from below, where he has been checking his map of Te Hauturu-o-Toi.

Arthur! Note this. This is where we'll be landing.

Gaius points to a spot marked West Landing.

Arthur nods.

This is the dinghy you'll be rowing ashore in, says Steve.

Arthur nods again. 

He looks into the dingy.

There are puddles on the floor.

Right, let's get going, says Steve. 

The Yamaha outboard motor roars up, and the Bonnie Celeste gets going.

Yaah watches, from the vacated dinghy.

In the wash from the Bonnie Celeste, he sees something twisting and turning. A flap of kelp. A stalk, Another one.

A brief flash of claw.

No One Leaves Oars

It's four am. The Sapphire is closing.

Most people are heading for home.

Arthur is standing outside on the pavement with Yaah.

You okay? says Yaah.

Sure, says Arthur. What time it it?

Four, says Yaah. 

How come you said we'd be invincible? says Arthur.

Invincible means not vincible, says Yaah. And vincible means...like, nothing can harm you.

I know what vincible means, says Arthur. My question was more regarding the we.

Empathy, says Yaah. I'm empathetic.

You didn't think you were coming? says Arthur.

I imagined I was coming, says Yaah. I imagined the boat trip and the dinghy landing. I imagined the overnight stay on Te Hauturu-o-Toi. I imagined...

Okay, says Arthur. But you didn't imagine my companions.

Some other young guys, says Yaah.

Not exactly, says Arthur. 

Who then? asks Yaah. 

A natural historian, a philosopher and a mother of dragons, says Arthur.

Now I DO want to come with you, says Yaah.

Arthur wonders why he described Katherine as a mother of dragons when Permit Holder might have been more accurate. Or David's mother.

I don't think you can, says Arthur. We had to get a permit. And we had to clean all our gear and wash all our clothes and get the soil off our shoes and check for lizards and cucumbers.

Have you done that? asks Yaah.

Not yet, says Arthur. I've got five hours before we start to head out there.

Five hours, says Yaah. You could practise your rowing.

They head for the wharf, to look for dinghies tied up loosely with cables and clips.

They don't seem to know that no one leaves oars in their dinghy.

We'll Be Invincible

Gaius, David and Katherine return to the Ibis Hotel.

At least we have beds, says Katherine.

Two beds and a couch, says David.

I'll take the couch, says Katherine. Did you buy those extra pyjamas?

Yes, says David. 

He hands out three sets of pyjamas.

Let's leave them to their last minute reflections.

.......

Arthur has gone to a nightclub. The Sapphire. 

Lurid purple lighting. Hip hop sound.

Due to his charmed life, he finds himself in a VIP booth, surrounded by multiple friends.

Marty and Helen and Lara and Fingal and Gordo and some guy who calls himself Yaah.

They are drinking green shots which Arthur has recommended.

These are good, says Lara. What are they?

Don't ask me, says Yaah. 

Arthur has had quite a few, and feels no need to answer.

Does anyone know how to row? asks Arthur.

He wants to know how to row, says Helen. 

Row? says Marty. As in, rowing machine rowing? Gym-type rowing?

No, says Arthur. Dinghy to wet boulders rowing.

Action man! says Yaah. 

Wait, says Marty. YouTube'll have something.

He fiddles with his smart phone.

Look at this, says Marty.

No boulders, says Arthur.

No boulders. But it's how to row a dinghy, says Marty. Watch it.

Arthur watches a woman in shorts row a dinghy away from a low wooden jetty, then turn around and return to the jetty. She ties her dinghy to the jetty with a cable and clip.

Told you it'd be useful, says Marty. You going somewhere?

Te Haturu-o-Toi, says Arthur.

Nice one! says Yaah.

Cool, says Marty. Don't worry about the boulders. I reckon, you just graze up to the first one. Then you jump out and drag the dinghy across to the land. Yeah but first, take your shoes off.

Got that, says Arthur.  

We'll be invincible, says Yaah.

Hamlet Pizza

Upstairs, at the Shakespeare Hotel and Brewery.

Beer, anyone? asks David. 

What clever names, says Katherine. I'll try the Endless Summer Pilsner

That's not clever, says Arthur.

No, that one is not particularly clever, says Katherine. But I'm tempted to try it.

Then it is reasonably clever, says David. What will you have Arthur?

Crazy Ex Wit, says Arthur.

Whatever can that mean? asks Gaius.

Probably some Shakespearean reference, says David. Does anyone know?

It's a wheat beer, says the bartender, who was listening.

Good, says Arthur.

Macbeth's Red Ale for me, says Gaius. Most amusing.

And I'll try the Gravediggers Porter, says David.

You don't like porter, says Katherine.

Perhaps that's the point, says David.

Thou wilt fall backwards when.... something something, says Katherine. That's Shakespeare.

We'll see, says David.

They have their drinks, now to order their dinner.

Shakespeare Pizza, says David. I'm going to try it.

What's on it? asks Gaius.

Smoked chicken, brie, cranberries, guacamole and oregano, says David.

No Hamlet? says Katherine.

Ha ha! laughs Gaius. Hamlet Pizza. That's very funny. I've a good mind to order a Hamlet Pizza and see what they say.

They'll say everyone asks for it, says Arthur.

So Gaius is put off from asking for Hamlet Pizza, although not convinced that Arthur is right.

But what if they do make Hamlet Pizza? It might feature tomatoes.

Then the joke would be on him.

He orders a safe Shakespeare Pizza.

Katherine and Arthur order Margaritas.

The food comes.

Everyone looking forward to tomorrow? asks Gaius. 

He picks up a cranberry. Examines it for traces of tomato. 

Yes, says Katherine. The weather looks fine for rowing ashore to the island. Arthur should have no trouble.

Arthur thinks he must have rowed once. And he doesn't remember. 

But he would surely remember if something had gone wrong.

Suspicions Of Ants

Katherine returns, an hour later, with food for the island.

Baked beans, says Katherine, taking them out.

Peanut butter protein balls, crackers, avocado chips, apple chips, banana chips, she continues.

Wonderful, says Gaius. 

Bottled water, says Katherine. 

Tea, coffee? asks David.

No, says Katherine. But I thought we might all go out to dinner this evening.

Wonderful, says Gaius, again. 

Did anyone find my scarf? asks Katherine.

No, says David. I wonder if the lobsters still have it?

They may well have it, says Katherine. If so, I won't see it again.

Unless they turn up on Te Hauturu-o-Toi, says David. 

Which is highly unlikely, says Katherine.

When's dinner? asks Arthur. And where are we going?

The Shakespeare Hotel and Brewery, says Katherine. New Zealand's oldest microbrewery. I've already booked it, for 6 pm.

Excellent, says Gaius.

Things are going exceedingly well with Katherine as Permit Holder. She is efficient. Except for losing her scarf. And all the food she has bought is already in sealed containers. 

What is she doing now? Calling someone?

Hello? says Katherine. Is that the Island Ranger?

The Island Ranger acknowledges that it is.

My name is Katherine Hume, says Katherine. I hold a permit for a group of four people to visit Te Hauturu-o-Toi tomorrow morning, weather permitting. Will the weather permit, do you think?

(The Island Ranger consults google weather).

Looking good, Katherine. You've booked an authorised charter?

Yes, says Katherine. Auckland Sea Shuttle.

 Steve! says the Island Ranger. Good bloke, Steve. Now you do know it's not my responsibility to row you ashore?

Yes, says Katherine. We are all competent rowers.

And you know about the biosecurity restrictions? says the Island Ranger. No Argentinian ants, rainbow skinks, mice or rats?

Naturally, says Katherine. And no invertebrates, cucumbers or firearms.

Great. Check in with me when you arrive tomorrow, says the Island Ranger.

Will do, says Katherine.

That seemed to go well, says Gaius.

Yes, says Katherine. No Argentinian ants. Imagine!

Hum, says Gaius. Did he mention invertebrates?

No, I did, says Katherine. 

I heard you, says Gaius. Was that wise? Ants are invertebrates.

Good heavens, says Katherine. Could I have aroused his suspicions?

No, says David. You are both overthinking. And it's nearly time for dinner. 

He's right. 

They get ready to go.

The Wind Fills It

They are both good swimmers. They catch up with their vessel, and haul themselves on board.

The double-kelp-and-two-stalk vessel wobbles alarmingly.

Baudin and Dufresne place themselves either side of the stalk.

Stable enough, says Dufresne.

Now what? says Baudin. Set sail for Te Hauturu-o-Toi? 

Where is it? asks Dufresne.

Did you see a map? asks Baudin.

No, says Dufresne. I heard someone say it was eighty kilometres north east of Auckland.

Not very precise, says Baudin.

I agree, says Dufresne. But we can deal with that later. We have a more pressing problem.

A sail, says Baudin. Don't think I hadn't thought of it.

They regard their stalk mast with the shrewd eyes of seafarers.

And? says Dufresne.

Et voila! says Baudin, whipping Katherine's silk scarf from under his carapace.

Hee hee! laughs Dufresne. She asked us to wash it.

They spend some time attaching the silk scarf to the mast.

It's done. The wind fills it.

They rocket away, in a roughly north-easterly direction.

.....

Meanwhile, back at the Ibis Budget, Katherine is drying her long johns with a hair dryer.

May I use it next? asks David. These socks are sodden.

You should have left them in the packet, says Katherine. 

If I had known about all these biosecurity requirements, I would have, says David.

Do you have a list, Katherine? asks Gaius.

Of what? asks Katherine.

These requirements says Gaius.

Katherine shows him the list on her phone.

Clean boots, says Gaius. Check. All food and gear in sealed containers. Arthur do we have plastic bags?

Not yet, says Arthur. I'll find some.

Do we have food to put in them? asks David.

I'm planning to go shopping right now, says Katherine. Put in your orders.

Baked beans, says Gaius. Apples.

I don't know about apples, says Katherine.

In sealed containers, says Gaius.

Bananas, says David.

Whatever's going, says Arthur.

Katherine gets ready to go out.

She looks about for her silk scarf which will be perfect to wear to go shopping in Auckland.

In Out, Knot The End

Of course the task should not be beyond two old sea salts, says Dufresne.

Who are used to sewing, says Baudin.

They decide to pursue their plan further.

Dufresne collects several long strips of leathery sea grass. 

Baudin selects two matching kelp-and-stalk combinations.

He places them, flat side to flat side, on the sand.

It's not easy to keep them together.

He takes them apart.

Dufresne returns with the sea grass.

No holes yet? asks Dufresne.

I'm about to begin, says Baudin. You do this one.

The holes must match exactly, says Dufresne.

Make them one claw's length apart, says Baudin.

All right, says Dufresne. 

Dufresne makes two holes in one kelp with the point of a pincer.

Baudin makes two holes in the other.

Before we go any further, says Baudin, let us try to align them.

Good thinking, says Dufresne.

They draw the two kelp pieces closer.

A good match! Parfait!

They continue punching holes round the edges.

Now for the sewing.

Awkward again.

Luckily the stalks are flexible, so it is possible to place the kelps upright in the sand with the bent stalks either side, for balance, before aligning the holes.

NOW for the sewing.

They do it in shifts, as the task is laborious.

In out, in out. And a knot at the end.

Now to test it, says Baudin. Help me drag it down to the water.

Which way is up? asks Dufresne.

That's the beauty, says Baudin. It does not matter.

And if it does, that is good too, says Dufresne. He is thinking about ease of changing direction and so on.

Ha ha, yes, that is good too, says Baudin.

The kelp vessel floats as soon as the lower stalk clears the sand.

It takes off in a hurry.

Merde! cries Dufresne. We must catch it!

They strike out at once, to recover their vessel.

Where I Was Eaten

Dufresne and Baudin stare gloomily out at the harbour.

Our vessel is not going to appear, says Baudin.

You're right. says Dufresne. We must be proactive.

Yes, proactive, says Baudin. 

I have an idea, says Dufresne. We head for the nearest beach and check out the seaweed.

You think we might come across a giant kelp? says Baudin.

We might, says Dufresne. Failing that, some other random flotsam.

A good plan, says Baudin. Do you know where the nearest beach is?

Let me think, says Dufresne. It was different, when I was last here.

Of course it was, says Baudin. How long were you here before the Maoris decided to eat you?

Several hours, says Dufresne. I think it happened some small distance west of this location.

He remembers the bay, how it looked then. 

And the nice little beachlet.

Just big enough to walk your dog on.

Or photograph the sunset.

Not that he did those things then.

Over there is a nice little beachlet, says Dufresne, pointing.

It's good to have local knowledge, says Baudin.

Priceless, says Dufresne.

They wander off westwards and soon find the nice little beachlet which nowadays is called Westhaven Beach, and which Dufresne thinks of as Ou J'etais Mangé.

It is strewn with seaweeds, green, brown and red. Bull kelps and bladder kelps. Some with stalks which at a pinch could serve as a mast or a rudder. But not both, unless you could somehow tack two kelps together........

No Kelp Floats By

Baudin and Dufresne make their way through the streets of Auckland, to the wharf precinct.

Did you get the impression they were glad to be rid of us? asks Baudin.

No, says Dufresne.

Perhaps I'm overly sensitive, says Baudin.

Yes, says Dufresne. And who cares anyway. We could do with a challenge.

They pass a marine store.

Do you have any funds? asks Baudin.

Of course not, says Dufresne. 

They keep going.

Soon they arrive at a place from which they can sit and look out at the harbour.

There are many types of vessels.

None of them small.

Remember Louttit? says Baudin.

Of course I remember Louttit, says Dufresne.

He sailed around in a vessel that he had constructed, says Baudin.

What are you talking about? says Dufresne. He worked at the CSIRO in a marine lab.

Before that, says Baudin. When I met him off the coast of Lorne, he had a small tourism business.

And his own vessel? asks Dufresne. 

I believe it was his, says Baudin. It was extraordinarily simple.

Let me guess, says Dufresne. Was it wooden?

No, says Baudin. I'll save you guessing. It was a giant kelp, that he had succeeded in converting into a vessel. The stalk served as a rudder. 

What served as a sail? asks Dufresne.

Nothing, says Baudin. He was rather at the mercy of the tides.

How was business? asks Dufresne.

Sparse, says Baudin.

They stare at the water.

No kelp floats by.

Swim To The Boulders

You lobsters may be glad to get out of coming, says Gaius.

Our hearts are set on coming, says Baudin.

What if they make their own way? says David.

You mean swimming? says Baudin.

I'm not swimming, says Dufresne.

It would mean you were independent, says Gaius.

It would mean we were exhausted, says Dufresne.

They could float there, says Katherine.

That's worse than swimming, says Baudin.

In a vessel, says Katherine. Aren't you both sea captains?

Certainly, if we had our own vessel, we could float there, says Baudin. But we would not be authorised to land on the island.

Anchor offshore, says Arthur. Jump into the water, swim to the boulders.

It does sound adventurous. And who can stop two free swimming lobsters from going ashore, as natural as driftwood?

We lack a vessel, says Baudin.

There you are on your own, says Gaius. We don't want to been seen to be breaking regulations.

No, we don't, says Katherine. I suggest you go down to the wharf and see if you can commandeer a vessel. If we see you on Te Hauturu-o-Toi, it will be a surprise.

Indeed it will, says David. 

Take your whistles with you, says Katherine. 

Mine is broken, says Dufresne.

She gives him a replacement (also yellow).

The lobsters depart, for the wharf.

Various Ruses

Arthur returns with a 20-pack of brightly coloured plastic whistles with lanyards.

Twenty? says Gaius. At what cost?

Eleven dollars, total, says Arthur.

In fact, they had not cost that much, but that was the price on the sticker.

Let me see, says Katherine. These are novelty whistles!

They're functioning whistles, says Arthur. And it means we'll have spares.

Do we have whistles? asks David, coming out of the bathroom.

Yes. Choose your whistle, says Arthur.

David chooses a green one.

Do we get a whistle? asks Baudin.

Can you blow? asks Arthur.

Let him try, says Gaius.

Baudin chooses a red whistle. He grasps it in his dominant claw. He raises it to his mouth hole.

Phoo!

Of course he can whistle.

Dufresne grabs a whistle. A yellow one.

Crack!

There goes one whistle, says Gaius. Perhaps Arthur should have shelled out a bit more and bought metal ones.

Perhaps he shouldn't have a whistle, says Arthur.

I was going to say, says Katherine, having read the rules and regulations about what's allowed on Te Hauturu-o-Toi.....

Yes? says Gaius. Surely the authorities can't object to a whistle.

No, says Katherine. That's not it. But we do have a problem.

Could it be the lobsters? asks David. 

Invertebrates, says Katherine, are specifically mentioned as being forbidden. Along with firearms and cucumbers.

Merde! cries Captain Baudin. Discrimination!

Yes, bad luck, says Katherine. It seems you and Dufresne can't come.

Can I keep the whistle? asks Baudin.

And may I have a replacement? asks Dufresne. 

And do you still expect us to wash your long johns? asks Baudin.

And the scarf? says Dufresne.

Now then, says Gaius. This is no way to deal with the problem. Perhaps Arthur will find a way to get round it.

I can try, says Arthur.

Don't try too hard, says Katherine. Remember I'm the Permit Holder. 

Everyone is silent, thinking of various ruses.

Do Better Whistles

Whistle? 

Why? says Arthur.

In case we become separated, says Gaius.

On the island, says Katherine. We must each have a whistle.

So, four whistles, says Arthur.

Yes, says Katherine. Would you like to go out and buy whistles or help wash our clothes?

Whistles, says Arthur.

He goes out again.

What about his clothes? says Gaius.

He can wash his clothes when he comes back, says Katherine.

I'm ready! calls David, from the bathroom. 

He has filled the wash basin with a mixture of one part sterigene to 200 parts water, (roughly).

Here are my long johns, says Katherine. Keep them separate. The lobsters will do them.

First or last? asks David.

Last, says Katherine. 

Gaius brings a pair of trousers, a shirt and some socks into the bathroom.

Check your socks for seeds first, says Katherine. Any velcro? Check that too.

Gaius looks at his socks closely.

What are those tiny dark things?

Do you have any tweezers? asks Gaius.

Of course, says Katherine.

She looks in her bag for her tweezers. Her new silk scarf! She should wash that too. 

Captain Baudin scrapes his way into the bathroom.

May Dufresne and I be of assistance?

Not yet, says David. You're washing Katherine's long johns last.

And this scarf, says Katherine. But do be careful. It was expensive.

Come and watch this video while you're waiting, says Gaius. Acquaint yourselves with the island's features.

He starts the video again.

Dufresne and Baudin clamber onto the coffee table to watch it, on Gaius's phone.

New Zealand's Ark.....Te Hauturu-o-Toi.....just 80 kilometres from Auckland....volcanic island... two thirds virgin forest... primeval New Zealand intact precious conservation 1895 warm wet climate... kakapo kokaku tuatara....

The voice drones on; they become drowsy.

Arthur meanwhile is wondering where to buy whistles.

Kathmandu? There is bound to be one in Auckland

But their whistles will be pricey.

He can do better.

Until He Knows Why

David arrives at The Strand Vet.

Enters the premises.

A few people look up.

Where is his pet?

He walks up to the counter.

A bottle of Sterigene, please. 

Spray or bottle?

Bottle. Enough to wash four sets of clothes.

Are you going to one of those protected islands?

Yes, Te Hauturu-o-Toi.

Oh, how lucky!

How much is it?

Fourteen ninety five, please.

Very reasonable, says David. 

He pays.

The few people who were waiting to have their pets attended to smile at one another.

David walks back to the Ibis Budget with his green bottle.

That went smoothly.

Let's see how Arthur's getting on.

He has stopped at Auckland Sea Shuttle. "Any island, any time".

Yes? says Steve the owner. You after a water taxi?

To Te Hauturu-o-Toi, says Arthur. 

No worries, says Steve. Got your permit papers?

Getting them, says Arthur.

Can't do anything until I sight them, says Steve.

Arthur calls Katherine. 

Hi Katherine. Has the permit come through?

Yes, says Katherine. 

Could you email a copy to Steve at Auckland Sea Shuttle, says Arthur.

Sure, says Katherine.

Seconds later, Steve gets an email.

This all seems in order, says Steve. Who's this Katherine? She's the permit holder. Officially, she should make the arrangements.

She is, says Arthur. She sent me.

Okay , says Steve, disarmed by Arthur who looks like a poet, and also resembles a Tour de France cyclist.  Can she row?

We all can, says Arthur.

Fine, says Steve. 

A boat is chartered to leave for Te-Hauturu-o-Toi the following morning, leaving from the main landing at nine.

One way, three hundred and sixty dollars, on Gaius's credit card.

When Arthur returns to the hotel room, Gaius is watching an informational video.

Whistle! says Gaius, looking up from the video.

But Arthur refuses to whistle until he knows why.

To Sterilise Our Pyjamas

Arthur doesn't feel like wasting time filling out a form for a permit.

Katherine, says Arthur. 

Yes? says Katherine.

I'm just going out for a minute, says Arthur. Could you finish this?

So you haven't applied for a permit, says Katherine. You said that you had.

I'm going down to the Wharf to organise a boat operator, says Arthur.

So you haven't done that either, says Katherine. Better get moving.

Thanks, says Arthur. I'll email you the form.

This takes five seconds, then Arthur is gone.

Katherine opens the email and looks at the form, and the information for Permit Holders.

The Permit Holder must:

Be responsible for group safety.

Understand biosecurity and other conditions.

Contact the Island Ranger the night before the scheduled landing to check landing conditions.

Ensure that group members can handle a wet slippery boulder landing.

Use toilets in the quarantine room

And do not leave the bunkhouse during hours of darkness without the consent of the Ranger.

She completes the form, and presses send.

It's a good thing that she will be the Permit Holder.

Considering the alternatives.

I've located a vet in The Strand, says David. 

Well done, says Katherine. 

David goes out.

It's a fine day in Auckland. Not all that nippy.

He must remember to rinse out his socks.

He hopes that the washing will dry overnight. What if it doesn't?

A thought occurs to him.

If all their clothes must be washed in this sterigene concoction, that will include their pyjamas.

He phones Katherine. 

What is it David?

I've just realised something.

Yes?

We'll need to sterilise our pyjamas. 

Buy some spares while you're out, says Katherine. Any old cheap ones. 

For Gaius and Arthur as well? asks David.

Of course, says Katherine. By the way, how do you think you would handle a slippery boulder landing?

Perfectly well, mother, says David. See you shortly.

He continues towards the Strand with a spring in his step.

Nothing Like Pre-Planning

Where to, Arthur? asks Gaius. 

Wait a second, says Arthur, consulting his phone.

Ibis Budget, says Arthur. Small rooms, cheap, clean.

Excellent, says Gaius. Ibis Budget, driver!

The taxi driver is accommodating. He has allowed the wrapped lobsters to travel in the front passenger seat, with Gaius.

The driver makes conversation.

Lobsters eh? Have they been poorly?

Yes, says Gaius. But they're recovering quite well.

Wrapped up nice and warm, says the taxi driver. Those tights look expensive.

My Kathmandu long johns, says Katherine. 

Are they your dinner? asks the driver.

Katherine assumes he does not mean the long johns.

No, they're members of our party.

Where are you headed?

Te-Hauturu-o-Toi, says David. Do you know it?

Yep, says the driver. Resting Place of the Wind. The most intact eco-system in New Zealand.

You are well-informed, says Gaius. 

Got your permit organised? asks the driver. And your charter boat booked?

Arthur has seen to all that, says Gaius. Haven't you, Arthur.

Yes, says Arthur.

They arrive at the Ibis Budget Hotel.

Arthur hopes they will have rooms available.

You're lucky, says Reception, when asked. One room left. We had a cancellation.

We'll take it, says Arthur.  

Reception gives him the key.

Everyone gets in the lift and follows Arthur, to a small room with two single beds, and a couch that could be converted. 

Really! says Katherine. Arthur!

I'll sleep somewhere else, says Arthur.

So will we, says Captain Baudin.

No you won't, says Gaius. You lobsters can sleep in the bathroom.

I'm happy with that, says Dufresne.

You can wash my long johns, says Katherine.

What? says Captain Baudin.

It's only fair, says Katherine. Now what was the stuff we had to wash our clothes in, Arthur?

Sterigene says Arthur. You a can buy it online, or at the vets.

No time for online shopping, says Gaius. David, how about you do something useful?

Are you suggesting I haven't been useful? asks David.

Not at all, says Gaius. But you could find a vet.

Glad to, says David. 

He starts looking up locations for Auckland vets on his phone.

Arthur starts looking up boats and permits.

No Cucumber

First time in New Zealand? asks Arun. 

Yes, says Arthur.

Where are you headed? asks Arun.

Te Hauturu-o-Toi, says Arthur.

Where's THAT? asks Arun.

Some little island, out east, says Arthur. 

It's also called Little Barrier, croaks a voice from inside Katherine's long johns.

Yikes! says Arun. Talking lobsters!

That's a relief, says Arthur.

These long johns are exceptional, says Baudin. Kept us from freezing.

Arun recovers from his surprise.

Little Barrier, I know it. Don't you need a permit?

I guess so, says Arthur.

Arun gets out his phone. 

Yeah, you need a permit and a biosecurity check and an approved charter boat to get you there. 

Right, says Arthur. Thanks for the info. 

Are you taking the lobsters? asks Arun.

One of them, says Arthur.

Sounds like they're pretty strict, says Arun. Look at these rules.

Arthur looks at the long list of dos and don'ts for permit holders.

Wash clothes in hot water and sterigene beforehand, dry inside, store in clean plastic bags, no cucumbers, no rubbish, make sure at least one of the party can row......

And so on...... he'll read the rest later.

He leaves the excess food room with Baudin and Dufresne still wrapped in the long johns.

Enjoy your stay, says Arun.

Thanks, says Arthur.

What did you mean, ONE of them? says Dufresne.

Are you coming? asks Arthur.

I know New Zealand better than anyone, says Dufresne. I'll be useful.

I thought you got eaten by Maoris, says Arthur.

Not immediately, says Dufresne.

Gaius, David and Katherine are waiting in the taxi queue, when Arthur arrives.

How are they? asks Gaius.

Back to normal, says Arthur. 

I knew it, says Katherine. They can stay wrapped in my long johns until we reach our hotel. Then I'll wash them.

You can wash my socks too, says David.

Wash your own socks, says Katherine.

You need to wash everything, says Dufresne. It's in the rule book.

Yes, everything has to be sterile, says  Arthur. 

Naturally, says Gaius. 

And no cucumber, says Baudin. 

Ha ha, laughs David.

True, says Arthur. No cucumber. And one of has to be able to row.

I assume you'll row, Arthur, says Gaius. I can, but I do have some issues.

Sure, says Arthur. How hard can it be?

Stiff But Normal

Five minutes to landing, in Auckland.

Seat belts are fastened.

The lobsters are installed in the freezer, wrapped in Katherine's long johns.

Katherine had not seemed to mind.

The plane lands, and the passengers shuffle towards the front exit.

Gaius returns to the galley.

Is everything all right? enquires Gaius..

All quiet, says Kevin. 

I hope that doesn't mean they've frozen, says Gaius.

I doubt it, says Kevin. Those were Kathmandu long johns. Made here in New Zealand. Warm as toast.

How will I retrieve them? asks Gaius. I assume there is a place where excess food is unloaded.

Yes, says Kevin. Go there. Here's a diagram, and a note for Arun.

He draws the diagram, scribbles a note, and hands them to Gaius.

Many thanks, Kevin, says Gaius. 

Gaius disembarks and joins the others.

Now what? asks David. Taxi to Auckland CBD?

As soon as we've picked up Baudin and Dufresne, says Gaius. Perhaps Arthur will do it.

Sure, says Arthur. Where are they?

Here, says Gaius.

Make sure my long johns are with them, says Katherine.

Okay, says Arthur.

He follows the arrows in the diagram, and knocks on a door.

Arun opens.

What? asks Arun. Hey! Aren't you that cycling guy from Team Condor?

Yes, says Arthur, among other things. I'm here for a package from the freezer.

Nothing here yet, says Arun. You're welcome to wait if you like.

Arthur enters the excess food room and sits on a box, watching Arun reshuffle unopened drink bottles, unrequested sandwiches and non-reheated pies.

Interesting job you have, says Arthur.

Not as interesting as yours, says Arun. Are you in the Tour de France this year?

Maybe, says Arthur. If it's on.

It's on, says Arun. Some of the guys have those new clincher wheelsets. Are you getting those?

Don't know, says Arthur. Up to the captain.

Lightest clincher wheels ever, says Arun. Only 1255 grams, they reckon.

Arthur thinks he might get in touch with Sweezus and ask him about the new wheelsets. But no doubt he won't have the money.

A trolley arrives with excess food from the flight from Hobart.

That's the one, says Arthur.

Arun looks into the trolley.

On top of the other items are two pairs of long johns with thin lobster legs sticking out.

That's them, says Arthur.

Ha ha, laughs Arun. First let me get a photo.

He takes a photo and posts it on Instagram.

Arthur lifts the wrapped lobsters out of the trolley.

They feel stiff.

But that would be normal.

Under The Aegis

The flight attendant takes Baudin and Dufresne to the galley, where the head of cabin crew is waiting.

Right, says the head of cabin crew. Let's hear your side of the story.

Captain Baudin, French navy, says Baudin. 

Captain Dufresne, ditto, says Dufresne.

You are lobsters, says the head of cabin crew. Do you expect me to believe you?

Irrelevant, says Baudin. Just explaining why we won't say anything further.

Fine, says the head of cabin crew. Into the freezer!

The flight attendant opens a metal box which serves as a freezer.

All right, says Baudin. We did it to cause a diversion.

From what? asks the head of cabin crew.

From the conversation below us, says Baudin. 

Ask them why, says Celia.

All right. Why? asks the head of cabin crew.

To avoid trouble, says Dufresne. Our friends thought it best that we travel as lunch.

Trying to save money? says the head of cabin crew. 

No. Remembering the skirt grabbing incident, on a previous flight, says Dufresne. I was classed as a sexual predator.

Ha ha, laughs the head of cabin crew.

That's not funny, Kevin, says Celia.

No, it isn't, says Kevin. I was laughing at a thought I just had.

What thought? asks Celia.

If the lobsters are travelling as lunch, they will have to be eaten before landing in New Zealand, due to the quarantine laws, says Kevin.

Gaius appears in the galley.

Excuse me, says Gaius. These lobsters are travelling under my aegis. 

They cannot disembark in New Zealand, says Kevin. They should have bought tickets.

Dear me, says Gaius. We haven't thought this through properly.

And what about the threats? asks Celia.

Yes, what about them? asks Kevin.

A mere hypothetical, says Gaius. I'll show you Katherine's book if you like.

Does it have a hypothetical about how to resolve this situation? asks Kevin.

No, says Gaius. I doubt even Proust could have dreamed this would happen. I have an answer, but it's risky, and requires perfect timing. By this means the lobsters won't disembark either as passengers or in a lunch box.

He looks meaningfully towards the freezer.

A Question Of Honour

The man who was behind Katherine stands up. 

He walks to the front of the aircraft.

May I help you, sir? asks a flight attendant.

It may be nothing, says the man, but I feel I should report it.

Yes? asks the flight attendant.

Total annihilation, says the man. In an hour.

The flight attendant looks at her watch.

You heard someone say that? she asks. 

Yes, says the man.

Your name sir? 

Max, says the man.

And who said it? asks the flight attendant. Could you point to their seat?

Max points.

Oh, them, says the flight attendant. The cute guy that was sleeping and the woman reading the book about Proust?

It didn't sound like a woman, says Max. Or the cute guy. It sounded like a seasoned French sailor

Now I'm intrigued, says the flight attendant. What else did you notice about him?

A scent of doughnuts, says Max. 

That probably came from their lunch boxes, says the flight attendant. They were ex-doughnut boxes with lobsters inside.

Lobsters? says Max. Why would lobsters want to do that?

Do what? asks the flight attendant.

I don't know. Blow us up? says Max. Do the French have a bone to pick with New Zealand?

Of course not, says the flight attendant. But I'll pass your concern on to the head of cabin crew. And please don't spread panic. Go back to your seat now.

Max goes back to his seat, avoiding the eyes of Katherine and Arthur.

The flight attendant disappears behind a grey curtain. 

Minutes later she comes back down the aisle and stops beside Katherine.

May I borrow your lobsters for a moment? asks the flight attendant.

For what purpose? asks Katherine.

The head of crew wants to ask them some questions, says the flight attendant. It seems they are travelling as lunch, but have not yet been eaten.

Surely one eats one's lunch when one feels hungry, says Katherine. The fact is, we ate too many doughnuts before boarding.

Nevertheless, says the flight attendant. The lobsters must come with me.

Baudin and Dufresne stand to attention, in their separate boxes.

D'accord! C'est un question d'honneur. 

The flight attendant takes them away.

Top Down Diversion

The world ends in an hour?

Arthur's eyes open.

How long? asks Arthur.

I thought you were sleeping, says Katherine. David and Gaius and I were just imagining what we might do in our final hour. Sleeping is probably as good an option as any.

I was trying, says Arthur. 

Gaius would eat a tomato, says Katherine. Isn't he funny!

I'd eat something better than that, says Arthur.

In the dark overhead locker, Baudin and Dufresne have heard everything.

Did you smell coffee? asks Baudin.

Immediately after, says Dufresne.

So the cabin crew may have heard it, says Baudin. 

And our companions will be arrested as terrorists, says Dufresne.

Bad news for us, says Baudin. Stuck up here.

Let's cause a diversion, says Dufresne.

They start beating their claws on the inside of the overhead locker.

Katherine stands up.

What the heck's that? asks a man in the seat right behind her.

Probably our lunch, says Katherine. 

She opens the locker.

A scent of doughnuts drifts out.

She hands the two doughnut boxes down to Arthur.

Noisy doughnuts, observes the man sitting behind.

It's the toppings, says Katherine. Coming loose and rattling.

She sits down. Arthur opens the lids of the boxes.

What's up? asks Arthur.

We put two and two together, says Baudin. 

And decided to cause a diversion, says Dufresne.

From what? asks Katherine.

You being arrested, says Baudin.

We aren't being arrested, says Katherine. And what is the point of causing a diversion? We couldn't go anywhere.

True, says Dufresne. But in the confusion we could claim we were the ones who said it.

What? asks Katherine.

One hour to complete annihilation, says Dufresne.

Keep your voice down, says Baudin.

Too late. The guy behind them is listening and feels obliged to report it.

Perhaps I Would Eat A Tomato

 All right, Katherine? asks David, peering through the gap in the seats.

Yes dear, says Katherine. I'm walking around Auckland in my new long johns. 

You've eaten too many doughnuts, says David.

No, it's my new book, says Katherine. How would you spend your last hour if global annihilation was imminent?

What a terrible question to ask someone on a plane, says David. 

I know, says Katherine. That's why I'm imagining I've landed.

Isn't that cheating? asks David. How long is this flight?

Three and a half hours, says Katherine. But anyway, there is no suggestion that this might happen. It's a playful question. 

Hence the long johns, says David. Nice touch.

I wouldn't like to think my purchase was wasted, says Katherine.

Think about it, says David. Everything will be wasted. Including that scarf.

Not for an hour, says Katherine. You'd come to understand what is precious.

Let me have a go, says David. Assuming I'm not in a plane, what will I do?

What are you talking about? asks Gaius. 

Katherine is posing a question, says David. To answer it I must imagine I'm not trapped in a plane.

Interesting, says Gaius. What is the question?

The world comes to an end in an hour, says David. 

Does it? asks Gaius. Are we certain?

It's a hypothetical, says David. What would you do?

Continue doing whatever I was doing, says Gaius. No point starting a new project.

No point continuing an old one, says David.

True, says Gaius. Perhaps I would.... eat a tomato.

You hate tomatoes, says David.

I know, says Gaius. Because I believe them to be poisonous. In the circumstances, it wouldn't matter.

A flight attendant comes past, with a trolley.

Tea, coffee, hot chocolate? asks the flight attendant.

Coffee, please, says David. 

Nothing for me thank you, says Gaius.

David gets his coffee.

Mmm, ahh, airline coffee.

He thinks about his last hour on the planet. Why not go to a café and order a full cream milk latte? Sit outside under an umbrella, or inside near a window, and watch the world go by. 

Faster than usual. 

Playful Cataclysm

They are now on the plane. Next stop Auckland.

David sits beside Gaius. Katherine sits next to Arthur.

And the lobsters are where?

They are stored in the overhead locker.

A flight attendant has closed the overhead locker.

It is dark.

Psst, says Captain Baudin. 

Psst, Dufresne answers.

Down below in the seats, only Arthur hears this, with his young ears.

Of course he ignores it.

He plans to sleep on the plane.

I won't disturb you, says Katherine. 

Thanks, says Arthur.

Unless you want to be disturbed when the refreshment trolley comes past, says Katherine.

No thanks, says Arthur. I've eaten about seven doughnuts.

Dear me, says Katherine. Seven. But I know how you feel. I ate three. What about water?

It is nice being cared about by Katherine, but it can be oppressive. 

Got water, mumbles Arthur. feigning near-sleep.

Katherine gets her book out.

How Proust Can Change Your Life.

Chapter One addresses the playful question, posed in a Paris newspaper, and which Proust attempted to answer, of what one would do in one's final hour if a global cataclysm was certain.

Not the best question to think about while on a plane.

Nevertheless, she thinks about it, with the caveat that she has landed.

Yes, landed in Auckland. An hour is not enough to make her way to the Resting Place of the Winds.

One needs a boat to get there.

And the long johns she has bought. Wasted.

She would, she thinks, put on one pair of long johns (the striped pair)  and walk around Auckland, sightseeing. As the last place on earth she will visit, it is bound to seem precious.

The Obvious Lunch

 A box with air holes, says Arthur. 

And doughnuts, says Katherine. 

We can eat the doughnuts, says Arthur.

We really need two, says Katherine. I'll go and buy another one. 

I'll take this one back to David and Gaius, says  Arthur.

What's this! says David, when Arthur arrives. 

Doughnuts, says Arthur. Have one. Have two or three. The box is for the lobsters.

The lobsters, Baudin and Dufresne, look at the box of doughnuts.

Not big enough, says Dufresne.

Katherine's buying another one, says Arthur. You'll have a box each. 

Good grief! says David. That means two dozen doughnuts to polish off, before we go through security.

Better get started, says Arthur. What we don't eat, we'll give away. 

The doughnuts from Circle of Life boast nostalgic Australian flavours. Which means:

A fresh yeasty doughnut with the traditional hole in the middle

Two-tone icing on top (avoiding the hole).

Something stuck in or over the hole, such as a broken Tim Tam, a finger of Kit Kat, or a red lolly.

Want one, Gaius? asks Arthur.

Gaius regards the doughnuts.

Which one will he choose?

He chooses the one with the Tim Tam.

Katherine returns with a second box of nostalgic doughnuts.

Look, says Katherine. Cheesecake doughnuts. And these ones are for Mothers' Day. Ferrero Rocher.

Eat up. We need to enter our boxes, says Captain Baudin.

He's right, says Katherine. But we can't eat all these in ten minutes.

Let's stand in the queue, says David. Arthur suggests that we offer them around.

Nothing could look more suspicious, says Katherine. What do you think, Gaius?

What? says Gaius. Suspicious? 

Offering doughnuts to people just before going through security, says Katherine. We're bound to be stopped and questioned.

I'll do it, says Arthur. I won't be stopped and questioned.

He piles all the doughnuts into one box, and walks over to stand in the queue.

He offers doughnuts to the families in front and behind him.

Look ma! Ferrero Rocher!  Let's see! Really? Oh yum. Thank you. 

Soon the box is empty.

Arthur heads back to the seat. Captain Baudin clambers into the box smelling sweetly of doughnuts, not a plus if you're a lobster.

Dufresne is already in his box, smelling the same.

They all join the queue to go through security.

No security officers are alerted. That guy was giving  out free doughnuts. So what? What could he hide in a doughnut?  

And it's obvious to anyone with eyes that the lobsters are lunch.