Identifying Mister Snappy

Ring-ring.

Camus answers. It's Vello.

Any news? asks Vello.

We found a couple of orange-bellied parrots, says Camus.

Other news? asks Vello. Regarding the penguin pie story? 

Yes, says Camus. You'll be pleased to know Gaius has agreed to its publication.

Excellent, says Vello.

With one provision, says Camus.

Spit it out, says Vello. 

He insists on a pseudonym, says Camus.

Does he? says Vello. Is he there? 

Yes, says Camus. 

Put him on, says Vello.

Camus hands Gaius his phone.

It's Vello, says Camus.

I gathered that, says Gaius. Good morning, Vello.

What's this about a pseudonym? asks Vello.

Surely you of all people understand the need for a pseudonym, says Gaius. You use one yourself.

Yes but everyone knows who I am, says Vello.

Look, says Gaius. I simply want to get Camus out of my hair.

Understood, says Vello. All right. Choose your pseudonym.

Umm, says Gaius. A pseudonym...hmm.... not Mister Poo-brain.

What? asks Vello.

Terence's suggestion, says Gaius. 

Ha ha, laughs Vello. But I see why you don't like it.

Something snappy, says Gaius. Not associated with me or my writings.

Snappy, says Vello. Done. Mister Snappy.

Gaius thinks. Mister Snappy. What does it signify?  Short sharp and shiny? Or simply sharp? Of course the main thing is to identify the person ( Mister Snappy) as a person who might eat penguin pie, while at the same time not a person who might be (or is) a widely-read and oft-quoted natural historian.

Well? asks Vello.

Would a Mister Snappy eat penguin pie, in your opinion? asks Gaius.

Most certainly, says Vello.

And would you guess Mister Snappy was me? asks Gaius.

If I didn't know? asks Vello.

Of course if you didn't know, says Gaius. If you know, it's a different matter entirely.

I'll ask David, says Vello. He's right here in the office.

Mutter mutter ha ha mumble huh!.....

David says no, says Vello. So you can be assured on that count.

What did you ask him? asks Gaius. 

Who of your acquaintance might use the pseudonum Mister Snappy? says Vello.

And what did he answer? asks Gaius.

Me, says Vello.

David's never snappy, says Gaius.

ME! snaps Vello.

Dear me, says Gaius. I don't want readers thinking it was you who ate it.

It might add a certain frisson to the story, says Vello. 

You weren't even there at the time, says Gaius.

That's why Mister Snappy is perfect, says Vello. I have an alibi.

Indeed, says Gaius. Things rarely work out so well.

True, says Vello. How are things otherwise?

Fine, says Gaius. I'm thinking of going up to Central Queensland. 

Watch out for the fires, says Vello.