A long flat stage today.
Perhaps there will be no dramas.
The Tour rolls out of Troyes.
Belle spots Terence, standing next to a suitcase.
Terence, says Belle. All alone?
All alone except for two horrible clowns who never leave him.
NO! says Terence.
The two clowns step up smartly.
Hello clowns, says Belle. I didn't see you.
Grimaldi performs a short mime, as if to explain it.
Ha ha, laughs Belle, as if she understands the short mime.
She feels she should thank the clowns for looking after Terence, and freeing her to be a soigneuse.
She invites them to a picnic, on Monday.
They bow low, their hands sweeping their oversize shoes.
Have any of you seen Tiny? asks Belle.
The clowns shake their heads solemnly.
Terence points to the suitcase.
Can he come out? asks Belle. I have something to say to him.
Pickelherring produces a speaking trumpet from his trousers.
She takes it, and speaks to the suitcase.
TINY, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH, YOUR SISTER NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION.
A sound comes faintly from the depths of the suitcase.
Lt Mh Uht!
Are you holding Tiny in there against his will? asks Belle.
Yes! say Terence. He's dead and alive.
He's obviously alive, says Belle, ignoring Schrodinger's paradox completely.
And so should we.
The riders are well out of Troyes.
Chris Froome has heard talk of crosswinds and is keeping Team Sky at the front in case something happens.
As it happens, though, nothing much happens.
Until the final sprint brings a little excitement.
Marcel Kittel and Edvald Boassen Hagen cross the line with six millimetres between them.
So it's not totally like nothing happens.......
Friday, July 7, 2017
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Stage Six: Vesoul to Troyes - As Usual
A new day. Anything is possible.
The riders ride out of Vesoul.
Vello is humming a fast jiggy tune by Jacques Brel.
Vesoul! says David. By Jacques Brel!
That's it, says Vello.
They ride on together, humming.
Do you know the words? asks Vello.
Just the first verse, says David.
He sings (in French):
You have wished to see Vierzon
And you have seen Vierzon
You have wished to see Vesoul
And you have seen Vesoul
You have wished to see Honfleur
And you have seen Honfleur.
An appropriate song for the Tour, says Jacobi.
It's not finished, says David.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. Neither is the Tour.
David sings the last few lines loudly:
You have wished to see my sister
And you have seen my mother
As usual.
That's a puzzle, says Jacobi. What does it mean?
Perhaps something naughty, perhaps not, but it has helped to pass the time to the intermediate sprint in Columbey-les-deux-églises.
Columbey is the village of Charles de Gaulle.
The story goes that in 1960, the peloton stopped at Columbey so that de Gaulle could meet the riders, and a rider who had stopped for a minor repair and was trying to catch up with the peloton saw them all stopped and sailed past them, winning the stage. Hah!
A fact that has not been forgotten by those who remember.
And here comes Frederick Backaert powering through to win intermediate sprint points.
The clowns watch Frederick Backaerts.
They are not watching the suitcase.
Terence is trying to edge the suitcase onto the road.
Perhaps one of the riders will crash into it.
And out will burst Tiny.
But no.
Oops! says Grimaldi. That's an obstruction. Call a policeman!
Pickelherring produces a baton, from inside his trousers.
Terence gives up.
He watches Team Condor ride by.
Sweezus doesn't even see him. Nor does Arthur. Gaius is sweating.
Baby Pierre zooms past, weaving in and out of the wheels of the riders.
Ouvert follows, spots Terence and stops.
Woo! says Ouvert. Are we winning?
Yes, says Terence. You're winning. I wish I was.
What's up? says Ouvert.
Clowns, says Terence, indicating.
Ouvert would look sympathetic, if he understood the problem. But he doesn't.
He gets back on his bike. See you at the finish!
Let's head to the finish, in Troyes. It's been a good day for the sprinters who are not Cavendish or Sagan, and therefore still in it.
Marcel Kittel has wished to come first
And he has come first
Arnaud Démare has wished to come first
And he has come second
André Greipel has wished to come first
And he has come third.
As usual
The riders ride out of Vesoul.
Vello is humming a fast jiggy tune by Jacques Brel.
Vesoul! says David. By Jacques Brel!
That's it, says Vello.
They ride on together, humming.
Do you know the words? asks Vello.
Just the first verse, says David.
He sings (in French):
You have wished to see Vierzon
And you have seen Vierzon
You have wished to see Vesoul
And you have seen Vesoul
You have wished to see Honfleur
And you have seen Honfleur.
An appropriate song for the Tour, says Jacobi.
It's not finished, says David.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. Neither is the Tour.
David sings the last few lines loudly:
You have wished to see my sister
And you have seen my mother
As usual.
That's a puzzle, says Jacobi. What does it mean?
Perhaps something naughty, perhaps not, but it has helped to pass the time to the intermediate sprint in Columbey-les-deux-églises.
Columbey is the village of Charles de Gaulle.
The story goes that in 1960, the peloton stopped at Columbey so that de Gaulle could meet the riders, and a rider who had stopped for a minor repair and was trying to catch up with the peloton saw them all stopped and sailed past them, winning the stage. Hah!
A fact that has not been forgotten by those who remember.
And here comes Frederick Backaert powering through to win intermediate sprint points.
The clowns watch Frederick Backaerts.
They are not watching the suitcase.
Terence is trying to edge the suitcase onto the road.
Perhaps one of the riders will crash into it.
And out will burst Tiny.
But no.
Oops! says Grimaldi. That's an obstruction. Call a policeman!
Pickelherring produces a baton, from inside his trousers.
Terence gives up.
He watches Team Condor ride by.
Sweezus doesn't even see him. Nor does Arthur. Gaius is sweating.
Baby Pierre zooms past, weaving in and out of the wheels of the riders.
Ouvert follows, spots Terence and stops.
Woo! says Ouvert. Are we winning?
Yes, says Terence. You're winning. I wish I was.
What's up? says Ouvert.
Clowns, says Terence, indicating.
Ouvert would look sympathetic, if he understood the problem. But he doesn't.
He gets back on his bike. See you at the finish!
Let's head to the finish, in Troyes. It's been a good day for the sprinters who are not Cavendish or Sagan, and therefore still in it.
Marcel Kittel has wished to come first
And he has come first
Arnaud Démare has wished to come first
And he has come second
André Greipel has wished to come first
And he has come third.
As usual
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Stage Five: Vittel to La Planche des Belles Filles - Slow Roasted
The clowns are watching the start of Stage Five in Vittel.
From their pockets, they produce bottles of water.
Anyone who wants one can have one.
No one wants one.
The teams roll out of Vittel.
I hear Belle has some especially nice snacks for us, says Vello.
Good, says David. Especially nice. That rules out Power Bars.
I quite like them, says Jacobi.
Goodness! A breakaway already! says Vello.
Good luck to them, says David. It's between Porte and Froomey today.
Team BMC moves to the head of the peloton in front of Team Sky.
It remains like this for ages.
They pass through normal French countryside, fields full of slowly rotating giant bicycles made out of farm implements and hay bales.
At the feeding station, Belle waits with slow roasted frogs.
Sweezus grabs a musette and keeps going.
He wants the green jersey today.
Arthur slows down. What's in it?
Frogs! says Belle. Papa loves them.
Arthur thinks he might try to swap his frog for a Power Bar, if anyone is willing.
Gaius takes one. I hope you like slow roasted frogs! cries Belle.
I do! says Gaius. He slows down.
He stops, although he shouldn't. Water always keeps going.
Could I ask you a favour? asks Gaius.
Sure, says Belle.
If you see Third Sister, would you give her something to eat?
Crikey! says Belle. Is no one feeding Third Sister? I thought Tiny would do it. He's her brother.
He's been missing for two days, says Gaius.
Leave it to me! says Belle.
She watches out for Third Sister.
Vello, David and Jacobi ride up, panting.
Here you are, boys, says Belle. Slow roasted frogs from Vittel.
Heaven! cries Vello.
David looks less delighted.
Jacobi decides not to take one.
Baby Pierre and Ouvert of Team Claw whizz by, hardly visible at all for some reason.
But Third Sister is lagging.
Looped legs, black bike and black bike knicks, and ......is she there or isn't she?
Yes. Belle hands her a slow roasted frog.
Oh, Belle! says Third Sister. Thank you!
Belle resolves to take better care of Third Sister in future. And also to find Tiny Sacrifice, and tell him off.
........
At the top of La Planche des Belles Filles, Terence is waiting, stony-faced, between the two clowns.
Pickelherring wears the trick braces.
He is performing a dance.
One side of the braces comes undone and he swings it until it coils round his neck.
He uncoils it, and hooks it into the crotch of his trousers.
Grimaldi tries to get back control of his braces.
He wants to put them back in the suitcase.
The one Tiny might be dead or alive in.
These are the sorts of inexplicable things that clowns do.
No one is even watching.
They are watching Fabio Aru.
Fabio is pedalling like someone who has swapped a Power Bar for a slow roasted frog, and got a super boost of energy.
(Note: It doesn't work for every one).
The crowd cheers for Fabio Aru.
From their pockets, they produce bottles of water.
Anyone who wants one can have one.
No one wants one.
The teams roll out of Vittel.
I hear Belle has some especially nice snacks for us, says Vello.
Good, says David. Especially nice. That rules out Power Bars.
I quite like them, says Jacobi.
Goodness! A breakaway already! says Vello.
Good luck to them, says David. It's between Porte and Froomey today.
Team BMC moves to the head of the peloton in front of Team Sky.
It remains like this for ages.
They pass through normal French countryside, fields full of slowly rotating giant bicycles made out of farm implements and hay bales.
At the feeding station, Belle waits with slow roasted frogs.
Sweezus grabs a musette and keeps going.
He wants the green jersey today.
Arthur slows down. What's in it?
Frogs! says Belle. Papa loves them.
Arthur thinks he might try to swap his frog for a Power Bar, if anyone is willing.
Gaius takes one. I hope you like slow roasted frogs! cries Belle.
I do! says Gaius. He slows down.
He stops, although he shouldn't. Water always keeps going.
Could I ask you a favour? asks Gaius.
Sure, says Belle.
If you see Third Sister, would you give her something to eat?
Crikey! says Belle. Is no one feeding Third Sister? I thought Tiny would do it. He's her brother.
He's been missing for two days, says Gaius.
Leave it to me! says Belle.
She watches out for Third Sister.
Vello, David and Jacobi ride up, panting.
Here you are, boys, says Belle. Slow roasted frogs from Vittel.
Heaven! cries Vello.
David looks less delighted.
Jacobi decides not to take one.
Baby Pierre and Ouvert of Team Claw whizz by, hardly visible at all for some reason.
But Third Sister is lagging.
Looped legs, black bike and black bike knicks, and ......is she there or isn't she?
Yes. Belle hands her a slow roasted frog.
Oh, Belle! says Third Sister. Thank you!
Belle resolves to take better care of Third Sister in future. And also to find Tiny Sacrifice, and tell him off.
........
At the top of La Planche des Belles Filles, Terence is waiting, stony-faced, between the two clowns.
Pickelherring wears the trick braces.
He is performing a dance.
One side of the braces comes undone and he swings it until it coils round his neck.
He uncoils it, and hooks it into the crotch of his trousers.
Grimaldi tries to get back control of his braces.
He wants to put them back in the suitcase.
The one Tiny might be dead or alive in.
These are the sorts of inexplicable things that clowns do.
No one is even watching.
They are watching Fabio Aru.
Fabio is pedalling like someone who has swapped a Power Bar for a slow roasted frog, and got a super boost of energy.
(Note: It doesn't work for every one).
The crowd cheers for Fabio Aru.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Stage Four: Mondorf-les-Bains to Vittel - The Elbow
Stage four. Another fine day for the sprinters.
Mondorf-les-Bains is a spa town, with richly mineralised waters.
I feel energised this morning, says Vello.
Did you go to the spa? asks David.
No, says Vello. Just thinking about it is sufficient.
I agree, says Jacobi.
No need to turn it into a philosophical argument, says David.
It was an observation, says Jacobi.
Sweezus rides past, closely followed by Arthur.
They both look determined.
Gaius is not far behind.
He slows when he catches up to Vello.
The lads look determined today, says Vello.
They can thank me for that, says Gaius. Yesterday they were flagging, until I suggested they remember Bruce Lee.
Bruce Lee? asks Jacobi.
Ha ha! laughs Vello. Philistine! You don't know Bruce Lee!
Film star, says David. Martial arts Kung Fu master, and philosopher.
What was his take on things? asks Jacobi.
Be water, says Gaius.
Be like water, surely, says Jacobi. One can't BE water.
You are missing the point, says Gaius. Nothing is weaker than water but when it attacks something hard or resistant, nothing withstands it.
It remains water, says Jacobi.
Exactly, says Gaius.
I meant that negatively, says Jacobi.
Mean it however you like, says Gaius. Now I must leave you to catch up to my speeding companions.
That was ambiguous, says Vello. Should we speed up too?
They begin to debate that.
......
Terence is standing in between Grimaldi and Pickelherring.
He can't decide which clown he hates most.
They have stupid suitcases that get smaller and smaller.
The fifth one is too small for Tiny Sacrifice to fit into. But he wasn't in any of the others.
Open that one, says Terence. Maybe he's dead.
Schrodinger's baby snake, says Grimaldi. Is he dead, or isn't he?
Or is he both! cries Pickelherring. Like ME!
He lies down on the race track.
Get up, get up! cries Grimaldi. I'll open the suitcase.
He opens the fifth suitcase.
Inside is a pair of red braces.
My trick braces! cries Grimaldi. I thought I'd lost them!
Pickelherring jumps up and grabs the trick braces.
He ties them round his head, like a prize fighter, and dances about, punching the air.
Get them off! shouts Grimaldi.
Terence is in despair.
It's not funny.
But at least this is taking our attention from alternative happenings.
Not far out from the finish in Vittel, Arnaud Démare is winning. Peter Sagan is battling with Mark Cavendish, and Alex Kristoff for second place. They are very near the barrier. Mark Cavendish has nowhere to go. Peter Sagan's elbow .....
It doesn't look good.
Later, Peter Sagan's elbow is disqualified, along with Peter Sagan.
Mondorf-les-Bains is a spa town, with richly mineralised waters.
I feel energised this morning, says Vello.
Did you go to the spa? asks David.
No, says Vello. Just thinking about it is sufficient.
I agree, says Jacobi.
No need to turn it into a philosophical argument, says David.
It was an observation, says Jacobi.
Sweezus rides past, closely followed by Arthur.
They both look determined.
Gaius is not far behind.
He slows when he catches up to Vello.
The lads look determined today, says Vello.
They can thank me for that, says Gaius. Yesterday they were flagging, until I suggested they remember Bruce Lee.
Bruce Lee? asks Jacobi.
Ha ha! laughs Vello. Philistine! You don't know Bruce Lee!
Film star, says David. Martial arts Kung Fu master, and philosopher.
What was his take on things? asks Jacobi.
Be water, says Gaius.
Be like water, surely, says Jacobi. One can't BE water.
You are missing the point, says Gaius. Nothing is weaker than water but when it attacks something hard or resistant, nothing withstands it.
It remains water, says Jacobi.
Exactly, says Gaius.
I meant that negatively, says Jacobi.
Mean it however you like, says Gaius. Now I must leave you to catch up to my speeding companions.
That was ambiguous, says Vello. Should we speed up too?
They begin to debate that.
......
Terence is standing in between Grimaldi and Pickelherring.
He can't decide which clown he hates most.
They have stupid suitcases that get smaller and smaller.
The fifth one is too small for Tiny Sacrifice to fit into. But he wasn't in any of the others.
Open that one, says Terence. Maybe he's dead.
Schrodinger's baby snake, says Grimaldi. Is he dead, or isn't he?
Or is he both! cries Pickelherring. Like ME!
He lies down on the race track.
Get up, get up! cries Grimaldi. I'll open the suitcase.
He opens the fifth suitcase.
Inside is a pair of red braces.
My trick braces! cries Grimaldi. I thought I'd lost them!
Pickelherring jumps up and grabs the trick braces.
He ties them round his head, like a prize fighter, and dances about, punching the air.
Get them off! shouts Grimaldi.
Terence is in despair.
It's not funny.
But at least this is taking our attention from alternative happenings.
Not far out from the finish in Vittel, Arnaud Démare is winning. Peter Sagan is battling with Mark Cavendish, and Alex Kristoff for second place. They are very near the barrier. Mark Cavendish has nowhere to go. Peter Sagan's elbow .....
It doesn't look good.
Later, Peter Sagan's elbow is disqualified, along with Peter Sagan.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Stage Three: Verviers to Longwy - Confidence
It's a hilly stage today. This will suit Peter Sagan.
The riders ride out of Verviers.
Now, Ouvert, says Baby Pierre. Remember our tactic?
Yes, says Ouvert. Stay on the bicycle.
That's not a tactic, says Third Sister. Our tactic's a secret. Don't say it out loud.
Chris Froome cycles past with Geraint Thomas in the yellow.
Their ears are flapping, says Third Sister.
I remember the tactic, says Ouvert.
Now that we know that they all know the tactic, and Chris Froome doesn't, let us move forward.
Vello and David are cycling along the road in a leisurely fashion.
A camera sails by on a motor bike.
Vello smiles at the camera.
Show pony! says David.
Good for the fans, says Vello. They like us smiling.
What fans? asks David.
All these people, gestures Vello. And all those watching on television at home.
David glances at the crowd banging plastic bats against a green barrier, and tooting toy horns.
He imagines those watching at home, getting annoyed at repetitive car ads for Skoda.
A wave of ennui overtakes him. It is always the same.
They are already in Luxemburg
Gaius rides up behind them.
Seen Terence? asks Gaius.
We passed him back there, says Vello. He was talking to a couple of strange-looking characters.
Clowns again, says Gaius. Should I be worried?
I don't think so, says David. Clowns love children.
Yes, clowns love children, says Vello.
Gaius is relieved.
He speeds up to draw level with Sweezus and Arthur.
Cheer up lads, says Gaius. Remember what Bruce Lee says. Be water. I didn't like it when I first heard it, but I have come round.
Great, says Sweezus. How is that helping?
Resilience, says Gaius. Water exhibits resilience.
It's just freaking water, says Sweezus. Sometimes it leaks away.
Watch me, says Gaius. And follow.
He leads out and Arthur follows.
So Sweezus does the same.
Terence is trying to find Tiny.
Where IS he? asks Terence.
Grimaldi opens his trick suitcase with a flourish.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. What's in there?
Another suitcase, says Terence. I already know that.
But what's inside that one? asks Grimaldi.
He opens the suitcase, to reveal: An even smaller suitcase.
This is rubbish, says Terence.
Noo! cries Pickelherring. It might be the fanged demon!
Yes. It's a long race today.
But at last we're approaching the finish in Longwy at the top of the long climb of the Religieuses.
Richie Porte has a bit of a crack. It's good for the confidence.
But it looks like a battle between Peter Sagan, Michael Matthews and Dan Martin.
Argh! Peter Sagan's foot slips out of his pedal in the last few hundred metres!
But no! He sticks it back in and recovers without losing speed.
The riders ride out of Verviers.
Now, Ouvert, says Baby Pierre. Remember our tactic?
Yes, says Ouvert. Stay on the bicycle.
That's not a tactic, says Third Sister. Our tactic's a secret. Don't say it out loud.
Chris Froome cycles past with Geraint Thomas in the yellow.
Their ears are flapping, says Third Sister.
I remember the tactic, says Ouvert.
Now that we know that they all know the tactic, and Chris Froome doesn't, let us move forward.
Vello and David are cycling along the road in a leisurely fashion.
A camera sails by on a motor bike.
Vello smiles at the camera.
Show pony! says David.
Good for the fans, says Vello. They like us smiling.
What fans? asks David.
All these people, gestures Vello. And all those watching on television at home.
David glances at the crowd banging plastic bats against a green barrier, and tooting toy horns.
He imagines those watching at home, getting annoyed at repetitive car ads for Skoda.
A wave of ennui overtakes him. It is always the same.
They are already in Luxemburg
Gaius rides up behind them.
Seen Terence? asks Gaius.
We passed him back there, says Vello. He was talking to a couple of strange-looking characters.
Clowns again, says Gaius. Should I be worried?
I don't think so, says David. Clowns love children.
Yes, clowns love children, says Vello.
Gaius is relieved.
He speeds up to draw level with Sweezus and Arthur.
Cheer up lads, says Gaius. Remember what Bruce Lee says. Be water. I didn't like it when I first heard it, but I have come round.
Great, says Sweezus. How is that helping?
Resilience, says Gaius. Water exhibits resilience.
It's just freaking water, says Sweezus. Sometimes it leaks away.
Watch me, says Gaius. And follow.
He leads out and Arthur follows.
So Sweezus does the same.
Terence is trying to find Tiny.
Where IS he? asks Terence.
Grimaldi opens his trick suitcase with a flourish.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. What's in there?
Another suitcase, says Terence. I already know that.
But what's inside that one? asks Grimaldi.
He opens the suitcase, to reveal: An even smaller suitcase.
This is rubbish, says Terence.
Noo! cries Pickelherring. It might be the fanged demon!
Yes. It's a long race today.
But at last we're approaching the finish in Longwy at the top of the long climb of the Religieuses.
Richie Porte has a bit of a crack. It's good for the confidence.
But it looks like a battle between Peter Sagan, Michael Matthews and Dan Martin.
Argh! Peter Sagan's foot slips out of his pedal in the last few hundred metres!
But no! He sticks it back in and recovers without losing speed.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Stage Two: Düsseldorf to Liège - First Crash
A grey day. Raindrops are assembling.
Belle is back from the dentist.
She has purchased suitable snacks.
Vello: No unwrapped sausages?
Belle: No sausages. Power bars and gels.
Jacobi: I had no idea where to buy them. Hence the sausages.
David: We did do badly yesterday, but I don't blame your sausages.
Jacobi: Very gracious of you. We must blame the rain.
Belle: And it looks like more to come. You'd better get to the start line. Good luck everyone.
Team Philosophe rolls away to the start line, feeling focused.
Belle wanders over to Team Condor.
Sweezus: How's your tooth?
Belle: Patched up temporarily. Have you guys got snacks organised?
Sweezus. Shit. I knew there was something I'd forgotten.
Gaius: I had an apple. Now where did I put it....?
Arthur: You already ate it.
Belle: I thought so. You guys are hopeless. Well, I've brought extra snacks, so look for me at the feeding station.
Sweezus: Belle, you're a lifesaver!
Belle: Where's Terence?
Sweezus: Over there somewhere. He's latched himself onto a clown.
Belle: A clown! I don't believe it!
......
The race is on, through German streets, into the country past schlosses and obstgärtens.
The rain drops. The road becomes slippery.
Richie Porte cycles up beside Sweezus.
Bad luck yesterday, says Sweezus.
Better luck today, man, says Richie.
Yeah buddy, says Sweezus.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
.......
Amongst the crowd, dotted with coloured umbrellas, stand two clowns.
Terence is beside them.
Tiny Sacrifice is nowhere to be seen.
Where is he? asks Terence.
Guess, says Pickelherring.
You'll die soon, says Terence. Tiny bit you.
Pickelherring pretends to die.
Grimaldi places his suitcase on top of Pickelherring.
What does that mean?
Terence doesn't know.
.....
Thirty kilometres from the finish there is an incident. Wheels touch, tyres slip, a crash.
Chris Froome is down, Romain Bardet and oh no! Richie Porte!
Froome loses skin off his bottom, and Richie loses skin off his knee.
But they get back on their bikes and they finish.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
......
It's good to get the first crash out of the way, observes Richie.
Belle is back from the dentist.
She has purchased suitable snacks.
Vello: No unwrapped sausages?
Belle: No sausages. Power bars and gels.
Jacobi: I had no idea where to buy them. Hence the sausages.
David: We did do badly yesterday, but I don't blame your sausages.
Jacobi: Very gracious of you. We must blame the rain.
Belle: And it looks like more to come. You'd better get to the start line. Good luck everyone.
Team Philosophe rolls away to the start line, feeling focused.
Belle wanders over to Team Condor.
Sweezus: How's your tooth?
Belle: Patched up temporarily. Have you guys got snacks organised?
Sweezus. Shit. I knew there was something I'd forgotten.
Gaius: I had an apple. Now where did I put it....?
Arthur: You already ate it.
Belle: I thought so. You guys are hopeless. Well, I've brought extra snacks, so look for me at the feeding station.
Sweezus: Belle, you're a lifesaver!
Belle: Where's Terence?
Sweezus: Over there somewhere. He's latched himself onto a clown.
Belle: A clown! I don't believe it!
......
The race is on, through German streets, into the country past schlosses and obstgärtens.
The rain drops. The road becomes slippery.
Richie Porte cycles up beside Sweezus.
Bad luck yesterday, says Sweezus.
Better luck today, man, says Richie.
Yeah buddy, says Sweezus.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
.......
Amongst the crowd, dotted with coloured umbrellas, stand two clowns.
Terence is beside them.
Tiny Sacrifice is nowhere to be seen.
Where is he? asks Terence.
Guess, says Pickelherring.
You'll die soon, says Terence. Tiny bit you.
Pickelherring pretends to die.
Grimaldi places his suitcase on top of Pickelherring.
What does that mean?
Terence doesn't know.
.....
Thirty kilometres from the finish there is an incident. Wheels touch, tyres slip, a crash.
Chris Froome is down, Romain Bardet and oh no! Richie Porte!
Froome loses skin off his bottom, and Richie loses skin off his knee.
But they get back on their bikes and they finish.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
......
It's good to get the first crash out of the way, observes Richie.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Stage One: Düsseldorf Time Trials - Two Clowns
Stage One of the Tour de France. Time trials in Düsseldorf.
It's raining and this is not good.
Terence waits by the canal.
Tiny Sacrifice is beside him, watching for clowns looming up in the background.
Zhooom! Sweezus pelts by.
Faster! cries Terence.
Sweezus slides, almost topples, and rights himself on the corner.
You shouldn't have shouted, says Tiny.
He's winning! says Terence.
It's a time trial, says Tiny. He's only beating the clock.
Along comes Alejandro Valverde.
So far so good.
...and Chris Froome.
So far so confident.
...and Geraint Thomas.
So fast.
Vello cycles past, cautious because it is raining, and chewing a sausage.
Jacobi has bought some unsuitable snacks.
Belle would never have provided a sausage as a snack for a time trial. The sausage is not even wrapped.
Ha ha! cries Terence. He's eating a sausage.
Luckily Vello is too much of a philosopher to care what he looks like.
He is followed by Gaius.
Gaius is also being cautious.
Alejandro Valverde has crashed.
Gaius glances sideways at Terence.
A clown stands behind him.
But what can he do? He trusts Tiny Sacrifice will look after Terence.
Tiny Sacrifice has turned and through the raindrops has seen the clown looming.
A white face, a red crest of hair, spotted baggy clothing and a large suitcase.
Tiny knows he is supposed to bite him.
Something holds him back.
Hoo, says the clown, although clowns are not meant to say anything.
Terence turns around.
Wah! cries Terence
Hoo! says Grimaldi. Who wants to see what's inside my suitcase?
NO ONE! cries Terence. Bite him, Tiny!
Another clown appears out of nowhere.
Pickelherring wants to know what's in my suitcase, says Grimaldi.
Pickelherring nods.
Grimaldi opens the suitcase.
Inside the suitcase is a smaller suitcase.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. OW!
Tiny has bitten him.
Terence skips away.
He misses seeing Baby Pierre speeding by, but so do most people.
And Tiny misses seeing Third Sister, who does really well.
Geraint Thomas has ridden the fastest time in the time trial and will wear the yellow jersey.
Four Team Sky riders are in the top eight.
Richie Porte is a bit disappointed.
It's raining and this is not good.
Terence waits by the canal.
Tiny Sacrifice is beside him, watching for clowns looming up in the background.
Zhooom! Sweezus pelts by.
Faster! cries Terence.
Sweezus slides, almost topples, and rights himself on the corner.
You shouldn't have shouted, says Tiny.
He's winning! says Terence.
It's a time trial, says Tiny. He's only beating the clock.
Along comes Alejandro Valverde.
So far so good.
...and Chris Froome.
So far so confident.
...and Geraint Thomas.
So fast.
Vello cycles past, cautious because it is raining, and chewing a sausage.
Jacobi has bought some unsuitable snacks.
Belle would never have provided a sausage as a snack for a time trial. The sausage is not even wrapped.
Ha ha! cries Terence. He's eating a sausage.
Luckily Vello is too much of a philosopher to care what he looks like.
He is followed by Gaius.
Gaius is also being cautious.
Alejandro Valverde has crashed.
Gaius glances sideways at Terence.
A clown stands behind him.
But what can he do? He trusts Tiny Sacrifice will look after Terence.
Tiny Sacrifice has turned and through the raindrops has seen the clown looming.
A white face, a red crest of hair, spotted baggy clothing and a large suitcase.
Tiny knows he is supposed to bite him.
Something holds him back.
Hoo, says the clown, although clowns are not meant to say anything.
Terence turns around.
Wah! cries Terence
Hoo! says Grimaldi. Who wants to see what's inside my suitcase?
NO ONE! cries Terence. Bite him, Tiny!
Another clown appears out of nowhere.
Pickelherring wants to know what's in my suitcase, says Grimaldi.
Pickelherring nods.
Grimaldi opens the suitcase.
Inside the suitcase is a smaller suitcase.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. OW!
Tiny has bitten him.
Terence skips away.
He misses seeing Baby Pierre speeding by, but so do most people.
And Tiny misses seeing Third Sister, who does really well.
Geraint Thomas has ridden the fastest time in the time trial and will wear the yellow jersey.
Four Team Sky riders are in the top eight.
Richie Porte is a bit disappointed.
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