Stage 7: Mont-de-Marsan to Bordeaux- Pip

It's one for the sprinters.

Mark Cavendish has a plan, which involves winning.

He tries looking relaxed.

Sweezus rolls up behind him.

Good luck today, says Sweezus.

Thanks, says Mark Cavendish. Same to you. 

Got a plan? asks Sweezus.

Yeah, says Mark Cavendish. Sort of. You?

Sit back for a bit, says Sweezus. Try to think up a good rhyme for beans.

Does it have to be plural? asks Mark Cavendish.

I guess not, says Sweezus. 

Bean rhymes with spleen, says Mark Cavendish.  

Yeah, thanks says Sweezus. I'll keep it in mind if I ditch the plural.

They both head to the start point.

Bang! Off they go.

It's flat and it's hot.

Guglielmi attacks early.

No one cares.

Who's that guy? asks Terence, who is standing at the 74 km mark with Marcel the clown.

Guglielmi, says Marcel. 

Is he winning? asks Terence.

No, says Marcel. Here come Latour and Peters. They will pass him, and then I shall not be surprised if they themselves are passed on the streets of Bordeaux....

Then what? asks Terence.

I hadn't finished my sentence, says Marcel.

I know, says Terence. I was trying to make you do two short ones.

I see, says Marcel, well to continue.... but where was I....? 

On the streets of Bordo, says Terence.

Of course, says Marcel. As we all know Mark Cavendish would dearly love to win this stage as it holds great importance to him for several reasons, one being that by winning it he would break a record...

Woo, says Terence. So he's going to GO for it! 

He is, says Marcel. But I predict that Jasper Philipsen is going to pip him.

With a pip? asks Terence.

No, it's a racing expression, says Marcel.

The peloton passes by.

Marcel holds out his giant bottle of funny water.

A few riders nod agreement.

Marcel shakes the funny water bottle with his finger over the nozzle. Then let's it go.

Fizz-spwoosh!

The riders who get showered with funny water give Marcel the thumbs up.

That was the best trick ever! says Terence. Can I learn it?

It is a good trick, and Marcel is pleased that Terence wishes to learn it.

He will be even more pleased when he learns of the fulfilment of his earlier prediction.

Mark Cavendish, perhaps, not so much.

Stage 6: Tarbes to Cauterets- Good Legumes

Another day in the mountains.

Ugh! says David. Why do we do this?

Why do you always ask? says Vello.

For the challenge, says Gaius.

For the glory of France, says Pierre-Louis.

That counts me out, says David. Although, they do love me here.

Me too, says Gaius. 

You? says Vello.

Counted out, says Gaius. Not loved particularly. Having said that, I do have a soft spot for Tarbes.

Old Roman town is it? says David.

 Indeed, says Gaius. 

Belle appears, with Terence.

Guess what? says Terence. You've got beans in your food bags.

Surely not! exclaims Vello.

Yes papa, says Belle. Tarbois beans, the best in the world. They'll help you up the col du Tourmalet, if you're flagging.

Ha ha, jet propulsion! laughs David.

The race starts. 

Everyone has their own race plan.

Tadej Pogacar is determined he'll do better than yesterday. 

Jonas Vingegaard is determined that's not going to happen.

Sweezus, who has given up his dream (for the moment) of being King of the Mountain, is still trying to think up a good rhyme for oysters.

How's it going? asks Arthur.

Nothing fuckin' rhymes with oysters, says Sweezus. 

Try putting the oysters mid-line, suggests Arthur.

Can I do that with nuts? asks Ranger Roger.

Do what you like, says Arthur. 

I do like, says Ranger Roger. I'm sick of busting my guts over nuts.

Ha ha, laughs Sweezus. Okay now, shut up team, I'm thinking.

He idly slips a hand into his ovoid back pocket.

And pulls out a handful of beans.

Yeah, beans! Oysters were yesterday, and shitloads of words rhyme with beans.

He pedals thoughtfully up through the loops of the col du Tourmalet.

Up .

And down. Then up the next one.

The ascent to Cambasque Plateau.

The air is redolent with jet propulsion.

Has everyone snacked on those fine Tarbois beans?

And has Tadej Pogacar had more than anyone? 

Whatever the reason, it's Pogacar and Vingegaard until 2.7 k from the finish, when Pogacar attacks, winning the stage with good legs.

Stage 5: Pau to Laruns - Rhymes With Nuts

A day in the Pyrenees. 

Team Condor is ready.

I'm going for King the Mountain, says Sweezus. You got the nuts?

Ranger Roger knows what he means

 

He has a load of shelled walnuts in his back pocket. 

You? says Sweezus, looking at Arthur.

Oysters, says Arthur.

And no funny water this time, says Sweezus. 

That was ONCE, says Arthur.

Bang! The teams ride out of Pau.

Along... along... along...

Up the horrible Col de Soudet.

Sweezus snacks on an oyster.

Jai Hindley comes up behind.

What's that you've got, mate? asks Jai Hindley.

Oyster, says Sweezus. Want one?

I'll pass mate, says Jai Hindley.

He passes Sweezus.

As do a few others.

Along... along... along...

Up the Col de Marie Blanche.

Sweezus chews on his nuts.

To no avail. 

He is passed by Ciccone, Gall, Vingegaard, Pogacar.......

He gives up on his KOM dream.

Arthur and Ranger Roger catch up.

Poetry competition? says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus. May as well win something I'm good at.

You might not win, says Ranger Roger.

Arthur elbows Ranger Roger, who wobbles onto the grass verge and back onto the road again.

Allez allez allez! shouts a French person, flapping a towel.

Sweezus tries to think of a good rhyme with oyster.

Ranger Roger tries to think of a good one with nuts.

Arthur who doesn't do rhyming, thinks outside the box.

L'eau comique, que j'ai bu un fois

n'a m'aidé

mais j'ai esperé que le huitre

pourrait aider mon ami

maintenant je sais que l'eau comique 

pourrait lui aidé mieux.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Too bad it's in French, so you're disqualified.

Arthur doesn't mind. At least Sweezus has been distracted.

But so have we. 

What's happening at the front?

Jai Hindley has soloed to victory. Well done the Aussie!

 His first Tour de France too!

Stage 4: Dax to Nogaro- Diappearing Egg

Before the race.

Belle speaks to the clown.

I wonder if you'd do me a favour, asks Belle.

Mind Terence? asks Marcel. It would be a pleasure. He appreciates my long stories.

I know, says Belle. He told me. And your clown tricks. Especially the box one. But would you also hand these snack bags out to Team Condor?

Certainly, says Marcel. What's in them?

Confit duck and walnuts, says Belle. Same as papa's team is getting.

The famous Dax duck, says Marcel.

... 

It's a fine day again. The stage is a flat one.

The teams roll out of Dax.

Caleb Ewan finds himself next to Arthur.

Hey, Arthur, says Caleb. How's it going?

So so, says Arthur. It would help if we had more to eat.

Yeah, says Caleb. You ought to do something about that.

He speeds off to continue his tactics, which involve saving  his legs until just before the finish, and shooting forward to victory.

Like all the rest of the sprinters.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Here is the feeding station.

Here is Marcel, and with him is Terence.

Terence is on the trick box.

Attention! shouts Marcel, as Sweezus rides towards him. Take this food bag. It's for you! 

Sweezus takes it.

Coolissimo! What's in it? He sneaks a look in.

Walnuts and fatty duck legs. 

He give Marcel a thumbs up, as he cycles away.

What did he get? asksTerence.

Confit Duck, says Marcel. The scent reminds me of grandmother's kitchen and the ducks she kept in the garden which were excellent layers of the biggest eggs I'd ever seen in my life, would you like me to show you one?

Yes, says Terence.

Marcel makes a pass with his hand.

Oops! says Marcel. You were too slow. I've disappeared it.

Thats a rubbish trick! says Terence.

But here come Arthur and Ranger Roger. Terence is ready. He gives them Dax duck food bags too.

They look grateful.

Now let's go to the finish, ignoring the one or two crashes that have happened.

How is Caleb positioned?

Pretty well.

But alas (for him) Jasper Philipsen is right beside him.

Its neck and neck, wheel and wheel, bottom and bottom.

Until...

Caleb comes second.

Stage 3: Amorebieta to Bayonne- Yes!

Alors! Today we leave the Basque country and cross into France.

What a nice day.

Not as humid as yesterday, fine and sunny.

Green grass, trees, a rocky coastline. 

A day for the sprinters.

None of us are sprinters, says Vello. So we'll reserve our energies.

Good idea, says David. 

I agree, says Gaius. The last few weeks are catching up with me.

He ate an apple that had been nibbled by a bat, says Pierre-Louis. It's not too late to show symptoms.

Mon Dieu! says Vello. Why didn't you tell us?

The bat was in good health, says Gaius.

Was it that bat you found in the Adelaide parklands? asks David.

It was, says Gaius. Name of Squattu. It was because of her that we were put off the train early, and almost didn't make it.

Where is she now? asks David. 

She flew home on her own, says Gaius. 

They all imagine Squattu flying home on her own.

Shouldn't we speed up a bit? asks Pierre-Louis. 

I need a snack first, says Vello. Where's that clown?

I've got a few Donostian pastries, says David. Want one?

He hands out the pastries which are still warm from the heat of his body.

Team Philosophe speeds up a little.

The road curves round the coast 

On the next stretch they see Sweezus being led out by Ranger Roger. To what end?

On the stretch after that, they spot the two tiny figures of Powless and Pichon, who are nearly in France.

They see tiny Powless sit up and let tiny Pichon ride into France on his own.

Good view from here, says Vello, chewing his Donostian pastry.

A drone flies over.

The drone sends a picture back to the commentary box, where Marx is commentating on the action.

What's going on here? says Marx. Team Philosophe eating cakes. Good for them. But let's hope they don't get dropped altogether. Now we're seeing Sweezus of Team Condor being led out by his new recruit, a dark horse, one to watch, Ranger Roger. Sweezus is trying to join the bunch at the front.  But he's not going to make it. Oh! Look at that! A master class in leading out by Van der Poel! Jasper Philipsen shoots ahead of his team mate, and YES! it's Philipsen for team Alpecin-Deceuninck! What a great sprint by the Belgian!

From which it is clear that Marx is doing quite well, considering his views on the subject of competition.

Stage 2: Vitoria to San Sebastian - The Box

A fine day, although it rained earlier.

Belle has gone ahead to San Sebastian, to buy cakes.

She has left four musettes with the clown. She has also left Terence.

I can see that you are terrified, says the clown, but you need not be, look at my face and try to remember.

Terence looks at the clown's face.

It is white with a red painted mouth and familiar moustache.

Marcel Proot! says Terence.

Marcel Proust, says the clown

Terence is no longer terrified, but prepared to be bored.

Marcel, who always goes on about cakes he remembers, and things they remind him of. 

Can I give out the food bags? asks Terence.

You are too low, says Marcel.

What if I stand on something? asks Terence.

Such as what? asks Marcel. Of course, one immediately thinks of a chair which unfortunately I did not pre-conceive the need for, nor even a stool, which would have been more convenient being smaller, but how about you stand on this BOX!

Marcel produces a box out of nowhere.

(not really nowhere, it's a clown trick, one of many which Marcel has been studying)

Okay, says Terence.

Marcel lifts Terence onto the box. It is not very stable. 

He hands Terence the musettes.

Just in time too.

Sweezus is passing.

Not him! cautions Marcel. These musettes are for Team Philosophe.

What a pity. Sweezus was about to catch up with the breakaway of Powless, Boassen Hagen and Cavagna. 

But to do it he needed some fuel.

We could have given him water, says Marcel. 

Too late now, says Terence.

Here comes Ranger Roger.

Can he have some water? asks Terence.

If he wants it, says Marcel holding out the giant clown bottle of funny water.

Wisely, Ranger Roger does not accept it.

Team Philosphe trundles by, eventually.

Terence hands out the musettes.

Excellent work Terence! shouts Vello, grabbing the first one.

I see you've lost your fear of clowns! shouts Gaius, grabbing the second.

A Frenchman rides past, from Team Cofidis.

Funny water? shouts Marcel.

Non merci! shouts the Frenchman.

Good choice, Victor Lafay.

He has his own water, and snacks too. He continues towards San Sebastian.

He passes the breakaway, and he passes Pog and Vingo, who have passed the breakaway too.

So, strictly speaking, it was no longer a breakaway

But who cares? Let's follow the Frenchman.

Wheee!

A French guy always wins in San Sebastian. 

That's what they say.

Stage 1: Bilbao to Bilbao - Behind You!

Before the race.

Belle: Take it easy today, guys.

David: We will.

Vello: Don't we always?

Belle: I hope not. How are you feeling, Gaius?

Gaius: Surprisingly energetic. It must be those protein balls I had for breakfast.

Pierre-Louis: And all that coffee.

.....

Not far away, Sweezus is giving last minute instructions.

Sweezus: ....and you drop back to get us our drinks when we need them.

Ranger Roger: Who from?

Sweezus: One of the randoms. We don't have our own guy. Too expensive.

Arthur: I need a drink now.

Sweezus: Go and get one.

Arthur goes off to a clown.

The clown is holding a giant drink bottle.

Hola! says the clown. It's me!

I know it's you, says Arthur. Give me a drink. Is it water?

Funny water, says the clown. Is Terence here? I thought I saw him.

He is, says Arthur, taking a large slurp of funny water.

......

Team UAE is having a last minute pow-wow.

Tadej: The idea is, I come, like, third or something. As long as Vingo's behind

Yates: Good plan, Taddy. Does that mean I can go for it?

Tadej: Yeah you can go for it. And don't get distracted by your twin brother.

Yates: Ha ha! As if!

.....

The teams assemble, for the start in Bilbao. 

Bang. They go off.

It's a bit dull. Not as sunny as we might have expected.

Pedal-pedal. Up hills and down.

....A crash . Who is it? Carapas. Mas is injured.

Arthur is going quite fast. The funny water is working.

Gaius is too. He attributes this to the coffee.

....

The finish. 

Adam Yates and his twin brother Simon ride the last eight kilometers together.

Look behind you! says Simon.

But Adam knows his twin brother and doesn't let himself be distracted