Because She's A Sardine

Sixteen, says Kant. 

Degrees? asks Gaius.

Yes I assume so, says Kant. See here, I've written it down.

The person in the orange jumpsuit looks at the number.

At what depth? asks the person.

I don't have that information, says Kant. 

This is Faith, says Gaius. She is from SARDI.

Because she's a sardine, mutters Terence.

SARDI is the research arm of PIRSA, says Faith. I'm here to collect a few samples for autopsy purposes.

Ten, says Terence. Which I took off aready.

In an incorrect manner, says Gaius. You had one thousand and you wiped off a zero. That left one hundred.

Probably more, says Terence.

Indeed, says Gaius. Watch me. This is what you should have done.

He picks up a stick. 

He writes 1000 in the sand with the stick.

Then he writes 10 below the last two zeroes.

Now let's see what happens when we subtract ten from one thousand, says Gaius. Zero take zero is what?

Before you go any further, says Faith, I should point out that you don't need to subtract ten.

I realise that, says Gaius. The ten pipis are still part of the count, regardless of the fact that they're going to be autopsied.

Just so we agree on that, says Faith.

We do, says Gaius. But Terence can still learn this lesson.

I see, says Faith. Then I'll leave you to it. 

She picks up a dead pipi, and drops it into a bag.

May I assist you? asks Kant.

That's good of you, says Faith. 

They walk off together.

Now what? asks Terence.

What is zero take zero? asks Gaius.

That's stupid, says Terence. No one takes zero from zero.

Visualise it, says Gaius. You do not have an apple. So how many apples do you have?

None, says Terence. But can it be a pipi?

All right, says Gaius. You do not have a pipi. How many pipis do you have?

None, says Terence. That's easy. And I know where it went. The sardine lady took it.

She was not a sardine lady, says Gaius. But the idea is amusing.

Yes, says Terence. The orange sardine lady.

That will do, says Gaius. 

He points to the second to last zero and the 1 that is sitting below it.

Now, here we have no pipis. How can we take one away?

Ha ha, laughs Terence, scuffing the 1 with his foot.

Gaius wonders if it's worth going on with the lesson. 

Upside Of Death And Dying

Arthur and Sweezus wait for a big wave.

Thermometer, says Sweezus.

Now? says Arthur. 

Something to do while we're waiting, says Sweezus.

Arthur dips the thermometer into the water.

Sweezus signals to Roo-kai, who flies over.

Do you have a reading? asks Roo-kai.

Arthur's getting it, says Sweezus.

There's a big wave behind you, says Roo-kai.

Yeah thanks, says Sweezus, getting ready.

Arthur lifts the thermometeter out of the water.

Sixteen, says Arthur.

Let me check that, says Roo-kai.

Arthur shows him the reading. 

Roo-kai squints. 

Right, says Roo-kai. I'll let Kant know.

Has Arthur missed the big wave?

No. He lives a charmed life, remember.

Nor has Sweezus missed it. 

But hey...

What is this shooting through the wave alongside him?

It sticks up its head.

Fuck. Its Shorty.

Having a good day? enquires Shorty.

So so, says Sweezus. I guess you know what's been happening.

We do, says Shorty. Great White Teacher's not pleased.

So how come you're here? asks Sweezus. Thought you guys all went to Mexico?

Didn't work out, says Shorty. By the way...

The wave crashes over and Sweezus is knocked off his board.

Arthur washes up beside him.

You look rattled, says Arthur.

Just saw Shorty, says Sweezus. Great White Teacher's come back.

They won't stay long, says Arthur. Not in this froth.

Yeah I guess that's the upside, says Sweezus.

Of death and dying, says Arthur. Did he know about that shark that washed up at Henley?

Didn't say, says Sweezus.

They turn and paddle out in hopes of catching the next wave.

Roo-kai lands on the sand beside Kant.

Sixteen, says Roo-kai.

Kant writes sixteen on his notepad.

He supposes this single reading will suffice.

He walks back to where Gaius is speaking to someone in an orange jumpsuit.

And Terence is looking dejected.

It seems he did an improper subtraction.

If Subtractions Were Simple

I'm an oystercatcher, says Roo-kai.

I appreciate that, says Kant. But why take a job as a parrot?

Ask Terence, says Roo-kai. No, on second thoughts don't ask Terence.

My question still stands, says Kant.

Terence trusts parrots, says Roo-kai. It's to do with his origins. There must be wise parrots in Barcelona.

Barcelona? says Kant.

He fell off the Sagrada Famiglia, says Roo-kai. He was part of the decor. Along with the Virgin and Saint Joseph and presumably various parrots.

Wouldn't they have been doves? asks Kant.

You would have to ask them, says Roo-kai. Anyway Terence asked me to be his parrot.

You play a role, says Kant. I understand that. A transcendental ideal.

Kind of you to say so, says Roo-kai. But what is that exactly?

A presupposition, says Kant. 

Not two bicycles behind a kiosk? asks Roo-kai.

I wouldn't say so, says Kant.

I thought not, says Roo-kai.

It has been a good lesson in Kantian thought, but now it's time to get back to collecting data.

Sweezus and Arthur have paddled out with their body boards and the thermometer.

Roo-kai flies out to where they are.

Kant stands ready, with a notepad, on the sand.

Gaius is walking up the beach counting dead pipis.

Terence is trailing behind him.

I can't do ANYTHING, says Terence.

Can you remember the number of dead pipis that Roo-kai had counted? asks Gaius.

A thousand, says Terence.

Gaius is sure it was more, but one thousand is an easy number for Terence to start with.

Write one thousand in the sand, says Gaius. 

What does it look like? asks Terence.

One and three zeroes, says Gaius. One-o-o-o.

Okay, says Terence. Then what?

We'll start counting from there, says Gaius. If need be, we'll do an adjustment.

Terence finds a stick and starts writing. 

o o o

A person in an orange jumpsuit comes down from the carpark and looks at the sea. 

And the seaweed and froth. 

And the dead creatures.

And Terence, writing o o o in the sand with a stick.

Terence looks up.

This is how many dead pipis my parrot counted, says Terence, 

Good job, says the orange jumpsuit. But don't you need a number in front of the zeroes?

Not till we've finished, says Terence.

I'm here to collect a few, for autopsies, says the orange jumpsuit. 

How many? asks Terence.

Ten should do it, says the jumpsuit.

Terence rubs out an o with his stick.

If only subtraction was always that simple.

Being A Parrot

It's good that you're back, Roo-kai, says Gaius.

I tried to come earlier, says Roo-kai. 

You should have, says Terence. Guess what happened?

What happened? asks Roo-kai.

I got a horse ride, says Terence. Last night.

It was a clothes horse, says Gaius. 

I had perfect balance, says Terence.

Long may you have it, says Roo-kai.

Indeed, says Gaius. I wonder what's holding up the others?

I'll fly up and get the long view, says Roo-kai.

He flies upwards and sees a car approaching.

It stops in the car park.

Three people get out.

One is holding a towel. 

That one looks like Arthur.

Roo-kai flies down. 

They're coming, says Roo-kai. And they've got something wrapped in a towel.

Maybe it's the thermometer, says Terence.

Unlikely, says Gaius. Are you sure it's a towel? I suggested to Sweezus that he might buy a jumper.

Has Gaius forgotten that he asked for a toastie?

Sweezus, Kant and Arthur make their way down to the beach.

What's in the towel? asks Terence. 

Arthur unwraps it.

A double-wrapped cheese toastie, says Sweezus. 

Gaius remembers he asked for a toastie.

And later regretted asking, since by the time he got it, it would have gone cold.

But what an example of thoughtfulness on the part of his colleagues.

The toastie has stayed warm.

Perhaps a little soggy.

Thank you, says Gaius. How much do I owe you?

My treat, says Sweezus. Hey, how about this weather?

Yes, it's improving, says Gaius. We should get to work.

I have the thermometer, says Kant.

What if Arthur and me go out on our boards and measure the sea temperature out there? says Sweezus.

There's an idea, says Gaius.

They just want to go surfing, says Terence.

As if, says Sweezus. If we did we wouldn't take a thermometer.

And that's why there needs to be two of us, says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Very well, says Gaius. Do you have some means of recording the data?

We'll surf in every so often to tell you, says Sweezus.

I could stand at the ready, with a notepad and pencil, says Kant

I'm here, says Roo-kai. I could fly back and forth with the data.

And you are? asks Kant. 

Roo-kai, says Roo-kai.

I was led to believe you were a parrot, says Kant.

That's only his JOB, says Terence.

The Idea Of A Jumper

Let's get going, says Sweezus.

He has finished his cider and toastie.

Okay, says Arthur. Let's go.

Should we take Gaius a little something? asks Kant.

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. I forgot! He asked me to bring him a toastie.

Won't it be cold by the time he gets it? asks Kant.

I'll ask them to double wrap it, says Sweezus.

He goes back to the counter, and orders a cheese toastie, double-wrapped.

No worries, says the counter person. One cheese toastie double-wrapped, coming up.

She keys in the order. 

Cool, says Sweezus.

You going down to the beach? asks the counter person.

Yeah, says Sweezus. We all are. The toastie's for a friend who's down there already.

Volunteers, are you? asks the counter person

I guess so, says Sweezus. 

Good for you, says the counter person. I was thinking of volunteering myself. I love doing citizen science.

Yeah, who doesn't, says Sweezus.

Although he actually doesn't.

The double-wrapped cheese toastie is brought out from the kitchen.

Sweezus pays. And carries it back to where Kant and Arthur are getting up from their table.

Who's going to carry it? asks Sweezus.

I will, says Kant. I'll keep it inside my jacket. 

They go out to the car.

You got the thermometer? asks Sweezus.

I don't know. Have I? says Kant.

He feels in his pockets.

The double-wrapped cheese toastie falls to the ground.

Oops! says Kant. I thought it was wedged much more tightly.

Arthur picks up the double-wrapped toastie and gets into the car.

Wasn't there a towel on the back seat?

Yes there it is. 

He wraps it round the double-wrapped toastie.

Kant has found the thermometer.

He also gets into the car.

And finally Sweezus.

Sweezus feels good, because he has remembered everything. The toastie, the thermometer....

And thought about (and rejected) the idea of a jumper.

He looks at the sky, which is clearing.

Yeah. Good decision.

And now for some citizen science.

Or actually....these are good conditions for surfing as well.

Undesirable Beauty

Of course Arthur has not been writing it down.

Never mind, says Kant. I'd only just started.

So what was the topic again? asks Sweezus.

Go and order a drink and a toastie, says Kant. I'll wait for you to come back.

Sweezus goes to the counter to order a glass of cider and a cheese toastie.

He comes back and sits down.

I was explaining the judgement of beauty as a basic dichotomy, says Kant. 

Okay, says Sweezus. Go ahead.

Arthur smirks behind the crust of his toastie.

On the one hand, says Kant, our judgements are based on a feeling.

Like what? asks Sweezus. 

This much should be obvious, says Kant. Take a beautiful woman. 

Nice, and what's on the other hand? asks Sweezus.

Shit! He should be writing this down.

Or at least recording it. He takes out his phone.

On the other hand, judgements of beauty are not like judgements of the agreeable, says Kant.

How come? asks Sweezus. 

Insofar as they do not involve desire for the object, says Kant.

That explains my cheese poem, says Arthur.

Yeah, what cheese poem? asks Sweezus.

Cheese extends in rubber sinews, with each cruel bite, says Arthur.

That's good, says Sweezus. Kind of. But it's put me off eating my toastie.

Told you that explained it, says Arthur.  

Sweezus's cider and toastie arrive.

Eat, says Kant. Don't think too hard about my philosophy. My ideas on aesthetics are perhaps not my best ones.

Probably made more sense at the time, says Sweezus. 

Good of you to say so, says Kant.

Where do you reckon I could buy a jumper in Goolwa? asks Sweezus, biting into his toastie.

Jumper? says Arthur.

Gaius reckons I should buy myself a jumper, says Sweezus.

Google a surf shop, says Arthur. 

The weather may be changing, says Kant. The clouds are breaking up.

Yeah maybe I won't need a jumper, says Sweezus. 

I suppose we should be getting back to the beach to help Gaius, says Kant.

By the way, Roo-kai's back, says Sweezus.

That's good, says Arthur.

Roo-kai? says Kant.

Terence's parrot, says Sweezus.

I'm fond of parrots, says Kant. They have beautiful feathers.

Beautiful. This sets Sweezus thinking about Kant's dichotomy. So the agreeable in Kant's view is desirable, and the beautiful is not. Has he got it wrong? Yeah, and he probably ought to tell Kant that Roo-kai's not an actual parrot. 

Each Cruel Bite

Arthur and Kant have ordered a third glass of local cider, and a third toastie.

This is better than counting dead fish on a beach, says Kant.

Yes it is, says Arthur.

But I feel somewhat guilty, says Kant.

No need to, says Arthur. Sweezus is coming to get us.

That's good, says Kant. 

I told him not to hurry, says Arthur.

Did you? And what was his reaction? asks Kant.

He said to ask you some questions, says Arthur. For the interview you and he are meant to be doing.

Fire away then, says Kant.

I'm not a philosopher, says Arthur.

I know. I believe you're a poet. says Kant. You may ask me questions about the nature of beauty.

Beauty isn't my thing, says Arthur. My poetry grows out of derangement. 

It could still result in something of beauty, says Kant. 

Arthur picks up his toastie and waves it in front of Kant.

Cheese extends in rubber sinews with each cruel bite, says Arthur. 

I'll eat it, if you don't like it, says Kant.

No, I like it, says Arthur. 

He takes a big bite. 

You have cheese on your chin, says Kant.

Arthur rolls the cheese into a ball with his finger, and eats it.

Perhaps you could ask me about my ideas on aesthetics, says Kant.

Just give me the main one, says Arthur.

Our basis of judgement forms a dichotomy, says Kant. On the one hand.....

Arthur thinks this is cheating.

Luckily, Sweezus arrives at this moment.

Hey! says Sweezus. You guys are in the best place. What are you drinking?

Cider, says Kant. And I was explaining...

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll get myself one. And those toasties look great.

Arthur has been giving me a lesson in poetry, says Kant. He came up with a line about the toastie. It was evocative, but lacked beauty, and from there we proceeded to my ideas on aesthetics.

Sweezus looks at Arthur.

Good one bro. You been writing it down?