It Must All Have Happened

Sweezus drops Gaius, Arthur and Terence at Gaius's house.

Let me know what time our flight is, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Arthur. Could you flat pack our bikes?

I might get Belle to do that, says Sweezus. She's good at it.

He drives off, with Kant.

Where to now? asks Kant.

To return Katherine's car, says Sweezus. Wanna come with me or be dropped at the office?

I'll come with you, says Kant.

Sweezus drives them to Katherine's house.

Katherine is in her front garden.

How did the trip go? asks Katherine. Did you catch up with Gaius?

Yeah, says Sweezus. He found heaps of dead fish and took measurements. The froth was everywhere. Didn't stop us from surfing.

And the interview? asks Katherine, looking at Kant.

Sweezus has been taking notes, says Kant.

That's good, says Katherine, because Vello asked me to read it, before publication.

We haven't yet covered all topics, says Kant. 

Never mind. Vello asked me to check for a bicycling element, says Katherine.

I had forgotten that, says Kant. I wonder if he'd settle for a supernatural element?

WAS there a supernatural element? asks Katherine.

Yeah, says Sweezus. We stayed at this place that was haunted.

You must tell me all about it, says Katherine. Come inside for a coffee.

They all go inside. Katherine makes the coffee, and produces a plate of chocolate chip biscuits.

This is very nice, says Kant, biting into one. 

Sweezus takes two.

And tells Katherine about old Philip and old Mrs Hill, the red stain, and the pool, and clothes horse.

Kant is nodding as he listens.

So it must all have happened.

You should certainly try to include your supernatural experience, says Katherine, but there must be a bike, or it won't qualify for Velosophy.

I did in fact ride a bike, from Victor Harbor to Goolwa, says Kant. It was my first time and I did rather well.

Yeah he did, says Sweezus. 

Then you must weave that into the interview, says Katherine.

No worries, says Sweezus. Mind if I have these last two?

Go ahead, dear, says Katherine.

She has a soft spot for Sweezus. 

He may be somewhat inadequate as a writer. But he tries.

Kind Of Dangerous

None of this talk has made Terence feel better.

Baby BB is probably dead.

Maybe a skeleton. With one cement finger.

Which will be hard to find.

Cheer up, says Roo-kai. I shall leave now. I promise to return with either your claw or your actual finger.

Hurry up, says Terence.

It may take some time, says Roo-kai.

I'm going to France soon, says Terence.

I hope to be back before that, says Roo-kai 

Sweezus stops the car. Gaius rolls down the back window. 

Roo-kai flies out.

What a strange bird, says Kant. 

Parrot, says Terence.

I can't think of him as a parrot, says Kant.

He's not finding your finger, says Terence.

I suppose that's an example, says Kant.

Of not being a parrot? asks Sweezus. 

No, says Kant. That is not what I meant. Are we there yet?

I usually ask that question, says Terence.

We're not far off, says Sweezus. 

There's the city, says Arthur.

They can see it in the distance as they drive down Lonsdale Road.

A plane has taken off, and is flying out over the ocean.

Terence imagines himself in it.

A flight attendant comes up and gives him a box, saying: This is for you, it was delivered before we took off by a strange parrot. 

Terence opens the box.

Inside the box is a finger.

The flight attendant has waited to see what was in the box, in case it was dangerous.

A finger. That is kind of dangerous. 

Terence changes the scenario. Inside the box is a claw! 

The flight attendant says: Surely that isn't your parrot's claw? I didn't notice it had a claw missing.

And Terence says no, it is his.

And she says: So you're a collector. Good for you. And Terence, although he is not a collector, feels proud.

By now they are on Brighton Road.

Wanna stop at Brighton for a snack? asks Sweezus.

But time is now of the essence. They must be in Lille by the end of the week.

So no one does. 

You Allowed It

So you weren't too popular, says Sweezus. 

I was misunderstood, says Kant. My argument was that faith must be put beyond reason.

How'd you do that? asks Sweezus.

I argued for a moral basis, says Kant.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Arthur?

What? says Arthur, from the back seat.

Could you take notes for me? asks Sweezus.

Okay, says Arthur. On what exactly? 

On Kant's moral basis for faith, says Sweezus.

What is it? asks Arthur.

He hasn't said yet, says Sweezus. 

We all have a sense of what's right, says Kant.

Is that it? asks Arthur. 

No, there's more, says Kant. If you care to peruse the eight hundred pages of the Critique that I have in my suitcase.

Yeah well, bit late now, says Sweezus. But I get it. We all know what's right.

Guess what? says Terence, emerging from the gloom of discovering that Roo-kai has never met Baby BB.

What? asks Sweezus.

I'm going to find Baby BB, says Terence.

He will no longer be a baby, says Gaius. In fact he may not be alive.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It must've been hard for him, flying round with your finger.

It wasn't heavy, says Terence.

But it wasn't a claw, says Gaius. I often wondered how he would manage.

I assume you allowed it, says Kant.

I provided the fish glue, says Gaius.

Kant is silent, thinking of an addendum to 'we all know what's right'.

How are you going to find him? asks Arthur.

By looking, says Terence. And Roo-kai will help me.

I will, says Roo-kai. And I don't need a description. There'll be only one bristlebird with a cement finger.

Unless he died, says Gaius. 

All the easier to get back the finger, says Arthur.

Shit, Arthur, says Sweezus. 

Dead bird, says Arthur. Probably eaten. All that remains is the cement finger.

Much harder to find, in that case. says Gaius. Probably hopeless.

I'm LISTENING, says Terence.

Go For All Lucky

Gaius, Arthur and Terence walk across to the car.

Roo-kai follows.

I didn't mean HIM, says Terence.

Didn't mean who? asks Arthur.

The bike guy, says Terence. The bike guy said thanks.

He must have thought you wanted him to have half our luck, says Gaius.

I wanted it for me, says Terence.

Who wants to be half lucky? asks Arthur. Go for all lucky.

All lucky? says Gaius. There's no such thing as all lucky.

If I get my claw back I'll be half lucky, says Terence. If I see Baby BB I'll be all lucky.

But he won't be, says Gaius.

Why? asks Terence.

I assume you'll be asking him for your finger, says Gaius. Think where that would leave him.

At this point in the ethical lesson, they arrive at the car.

Gaius opens the back door, just as Kant is saying 'In my first critique I believed I had proved it'.

And Sweezus is saying, 'Watch out guys, it's kind of wet in the back'.

As we expected, says Gaius. We'll sit on a towel if you have one.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Should be one in the boot.

Arthur gets a towel out of the boot for himself, Gaius and Terence to sit on.

Don't mind us, says Gaius. Go on with your interview.

Okay, says Sweezus. So how did that go?

Not as well as I expected, says Kant. By concluding that objects of faith could not be proved by pure reason, I had, it seemed, destroyed religion. I assure you it was not my intention.

Yeah, shit happens, says Sweezus.

German priests revenged themselves by calling their dogs Immanuel Kant, says Kant.

A mouthful, says Gaius. 

It's a great story, says Sweezus. Hope I remember it. Anyhow, let's get going.

Am I in or out? asks Roo-kai.

In, says Terence. Sit on me. Do you remember Baby BB?

I don't think I've met him, says Roo-kai.

Bumhole! That's even less than half lucky.

What Brothers Are For

In spite of looking, neither Arthur nor Gaius has spotted the claw.

The rain has eased but this has not helped them to find it.

The claw has been washed off the road and lies in a ditch.

Gaius and Arthur have now given up, having passed the spot they calculated Kant made the call from.

They arrive in Victor.

Terence is waiting outside the bike shop, with Roo-kai.

Did you find it? asks Terence.

Sadly no, says Gaius.

Boo! says Terence. 

Where are the others? asks Arthur.

Here, says Terence showing Arthur his four fingers and the space for the claw.

Not your fingers, says Arthur. Sweezus and Kant.

Over there in the car, says Roo-kai. They're talking philosophy.

Then we won't disturb them, says Gaius. 

He and Arthur wheel the bikes into the bike shop.

Hello guys, says the bike shop guy. How'd it go?

Very successful, says Gaius. We collected some useful information.

Good stuff, says the bike shop guy. Bikes go okay?

Yes, says Gaius. How much do we owe you?

The bike guy calculates the amount owing, less the deposit.

Gaius pays. 

I lost my claw, says Terence.

That was bad luck, says the bike guy. 

Yes, says Terence. It was my blood brother's.

No kidding! says the bike guy. When I was a kid I had a blood brother. We did the whole blood brother thing.

My claw belonged to Baby BB says Terence. He gave it to me, and he's got my finger.

Maybe he'd give it back if you ask him, says the bike guy. That's what brothers are for.

Neither Gaius nor Arthur thinks that is likely, or what brothers are for, but Terence thinks it could happen.

Can we look for Baby BB ? asks Terence.

Not really, says Gaius. We have to make immediate preparations for Lille.

You guys going to the Tour de France? asks the bike guy.

We are, says Gaius. 

Half your luck, says the bike guy. 

What does half your luck mean? asks Terence.

I wish I had half your luck, says the bike guy. 

Me too, says Terence.

Thanks, says the bike guy.

Certain Hopes Entertained

Arthur and Gaius set off on their bikes.

The rain may be easing, says Gaius.

Or it may not be, says Arthur.

One or the other, says Gaius. Never mind, it's not far to Victor. Then we'll catch the bus home.

Okay, says Arthur. 

Heads down and pedal.

Cars pass them with their headlights on, wipers swishing, wheels sending up spray.

A car pulls over in front of them. 

A back window opens.

Terence's head pokes out.

Stop, Gaius and Arthur! says Terence.

Gaius and Arthur stop and wheel their bikes up to the car.

We'll pick you guys up in Victor, says Sweezus. 

Are you going that way? asks Gaius. 

We are now, says Sweezus. Okay?

Very kind, says Gaius. Sure there's enough room for us?

I'm going to sit on the suitcase, says Terence.

Or it can go in the boot, says Sweezus.

Not with me on it, says Terence. 

No not you, says Sweezus. And not Roo-kai.

Is Roo-kai with you? asks Gaius.

Yes I am, says Roo-kai. But I can always fly, if there's a problem.

There isn't a problem, says Terence.

Good, sorted, says Sweezus See you in Victor.

He starts the engine, and drives off towards Victor. 

Terence's cement hand is seen to be waving, until it disappears in the rain.

Gaius and Arthur pedal on.

Terence shouldn't have his arm protruding out of the window, says Gaius.

You should have told him, says Arthur.

Too late now, says Gaius.

You could call them, says Arthur.

I suppose so, says Gaius. He stops and calls Sweezus.

Ring ring. 

Hello? says Kant. Sweezus can't answer his phone at the moment. Can I help you?

Yes, says Gaius. Does Terence still have his arm out of the back window?

There is a pause in which Kant turns around.

Yes, says Kant.

Tell him it's dangerous, says Gaius. No wait, don't tell him it's dangerous, just tell him we can't see him waving any more and to bring his arm in and close the window.

Certainly, says Kant. I wondered where that draft was coming from. 

I wouldn't be surprised if everything on the back seat is wet, says Gaius. 

Nor would I, says Kant. Thanks for the warning.

You're welcome, says Gaius.

The call ends.

Terence, says Kant. Why have you got your arm out of the window?

I'm waving to Gaius and Arthur, says Terence.

They can no longer see you, says Kant. Bring your arm in. And close the window.

Okay, says Terence.

He brings his arm in.

Wah! His claw has come off in the rain. The glue must have softened.

My claw! wails Terence.

What's up? asks Sweezus.

My claw fell out of the window! says Terence. We have to go back.

We'd never find it, says Sweezus.

He's right, says Kant. But what if I call Gaius and ask him to look for it?

YES! says Terence. 

Kant calls Gaius, who answers at once.

Yes? says Gaius.

Terence has lost his claw, says Kant. He wants you and Arthur to look for it. It should be on the road somewhere.

Dear me, says Gaius. Arthur!

What ? asks Arthur.

Keep an eye out for Terence's claw, says Gaius. He's lost it.

All right, says Arthur.

He slows down, scanning the road for the little curved claw.

We're looking, says Gaius. Tell Terence not to worry.

Very well, says Kant. I'll leave you to it.

Terence is holding the place on his hand where the claw was.

Gaius says not to worry, says Kant. 

Why? asks Terence. 

He didn't say, says Kant. But he probably thinks he and Arthur will find it.

Yay! says Terence.

After all, says Kant, one may rationally entertain certain hopes even if doubts may be raised against them so long as these doubts do not attain a certainty.

What? asks Terence.

I added that for Sweezus's benefit, says Kant. 

Cool, yeah, says Sweezus. Could you like, maybe, write it down?

If Treasure There Is

The weather has changed. It is raining.

The waves foam and crash.

Sweezus and Arthur are plodding up the beach with their boards when Gaius, Terence and Roo-kai come down to meet them.

Ready to go now? asks Gaius.

Looks like it, says Sweezus.

Guess what? says Terence. I threw up, and guess what?

The kiosk guy made you clean it up, says Sweezus.

No, says Terence. I was already outside.

The ants are eating it, as we speak, says Gaius.

Lucky them, says Sweezus.

We must start making plans, says Gaius. By the way I'm free to ride for Team Condor.

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll get Arthur to book us three tickets.

Okay, says Arthur. With whose money?

I'll pay for mine, says Gaius.

Can I ask a favour? asks Sweezus.

I can guess what it is, says Gaius. You want me to pay for all three tickets and you'll reimburse me at some later date, presumably when Vello pays you for your long-delayed interview with Kant.

Mind reader, says Sweezus.

Not really, says Gaius. And yes, I'll lend you the money for your tickets.

Am I coming? asks Terence.

Of course, says Sweezus. Did you think we'd leave you here?

Terence looks up at the weather.

Dark sky, driving rain, huge breakers, the sand disappearing.

What if they did leave him here?

I know what you're thinking, says Roo-kai. 

What? asks Terence. 

If they left you here, you'd be washed out to sea, and spend the rest of your days on the bottom, says Roo-kai. 

Terence imagines spending the rest of his days on the bottom.

Maybe Great White Teacher would find him. And have a go at his leg.

Or he might find some treasure.

But what could he do with the treasure, down there?

He feels gloomy.

Come, says Gaius. Arthur and I must return the hired bikes to the bike shop in Victor Harbour.

Yeah, says Sweezus, and I'll drive Kant back to Adelaide, and get him talking.

For your story, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

Arthur regards the black sky.

He looks forward to the wet windy back ride to Victor. 

He and Gaius head up the track to the kiosk, where the bikes are.

Come on, little buddy, says Sweezus. 

He starts walking. 

Terence follows.

The treasure, if treasure there is, remains undiscovered, on the floor of the sea.