Ba'al on a Bicycle

Professor Healy is mystified. Why have they asked him to write about bicycle philosophy with regard to Ugaritic studies? He knows very little about Ugaritic Studies. Whereas Classics are his thing.

John, he says to himself, it's a challenge. You must see what you can do.

He googles Ugaritic studies. Ah, he says. The cuneiform tablets of the Canaanites! The ancient gods. Ba'al, Lord of the Earth and Lord of the Rain and Dew. Yes! I have it.

He begins to write:

Ba'al on a Bicycle

Ba'al, once great god of the Canaanites, rode his bicycle along an undulating country lane. He enjoyed the freedom from godhead, nearly all the time. But the ups and downs of the road were making him introspective.

Where did it go wrong? he wondered. Things were great until the time I conquered Yam. Perhaps I should have been happy with that, and not asked El my father for a house. But no, I got the house, and that was fine. Perhaps I shouldn't have had that housewarming party.

No, the party went okay. I reckon I should have invited Mot, though.

Yeah, that was it. Mot was mad as hell. I hadn't even sent him respectful presents. And then he invited me to his house in the underworld, and I couldn't refuse. And he served me mud. Eughh!
The food of death. And eating it meant I had to stay down there.

But it wasn't that bad. I even got used to the mud diet. It kept me fit.

What it really was, and I guess I should just face up to it, I never should've married my sister Anat. She came down after me, sword blazing, split Mot in two, winnowed, burned and milled him and then planted him in the ground. Yeah, not good, Anat, you were always too ferocious.

But at least she brought me back to life by doing that. I suppose I should be grateful. And Mot came back to life as well, somehow. And then we fought again. In those days we were nuts. We fought until the sun goddess whatsername separated us.

And then I got my throne back. And the land was fertile again. Yet after a while people stopped believing in me and went for Yahweh. Figure that out! I never could.

At last Ba'al came to a long downhill run. Coasting, feeling the soft wind in his hair, and remembering that it was nearly teatime, he regained his equanimity.

Aah, he thought. This is really cool. It's so much nicer not to be a god.