Life's Bumpy Adventure

It's five minutes to seven.

The audience is arriving, and choosing their seats.

What's this show? whispers someone.

Candide, answers their companion.

Again? 

A different part, says the companion.

My seat's wobbly, says the first someone.

Ground's not level, says the companion.

Seven o'clock.

Vello strides onto the stage. He is wearing purple shorts and a black tee shirt.

Greetings people! says Vello. Welcome to our show. This year we are proud to present an excerpt from Candide, chosen at random by the King of Eldorado.

Ha ha! laugh one or two people.

An excerpt from the middle of the story, says Vello. In which there is little action, but much philosophy.

Boo! shouts someone. 

Think on this, says Vello. If you landed in such a place as is about to be depicted, would you choose to stay and be happy? Or would you leave and continue life's bumpy adventure?

Leave? shouts someone else. Would we get our money back?

You mistake our genre, says Vello. This is not a mere  comedy.

It's billed as a comedy, says a woman in the front row.

I'm not saying it doesn't have funny parts, says Vello. There are Spanish jokes, for instance.

Belle is watching from the side, in her beautiful costume. 

She runs on.

And we'll be giving out seeds at the end, says Belle. 

She walks off.

Vello smiles as he watches the audience settle.

Free seeds. Yes.  If Arthur has got them wrapped up.

So, sit back and enjoy the show, says Vello. 

He withdraws. 

A long pause.

A rushing sound, as of rushing water.

Candide and Cacambo stagger on stage, shaking themselves, as if wet.

Twenty four hours following an underground stream! moans Candide. And now our small craft is dashed to pieces. Where are we?

I don't know, says Cacambo. But I see some children!

Several gold-painted megalodon teeth roll onto the stage, and stop in the middle.

Terence and Hedley, wearing normal kid shorts, run up behind them.

Hola! Hola! shouts Terence.

Hola! shouts Hedley.

Terence kicks a megalodon tooth, towards Hedley.

Hedley adroitly avoids it.

It stops at the feet of Candide.

Candide picks it up and examines it.

It's a gold nugget! says Candide. These must be royal children.

A bell rings.

Terence and Hedley run off.

Candide and Cacambo pick up the rest of the teeth.

You missed one! shouts someone in the audience.

Candide looks around. Have they missed one?

Shit! It's the pebble that Gaius glued to Terence's big toe. So much for his fish glue.

What to do?

Cacambo picks up the pebble. 

An emerald! says Cacambo. What a find. This country must be fabulously wealthy if they leave such valuables lying around.

Yeah, says Candide, forgetting to stay in character.

I see an inn, says Cacambo. Let us see if we can get something to eat. We can use these gold nuggets as payment.

An excellent idea, says Candide, now back in character.

They exit stage right.

Terence enters, stage left. 

My toe! cries Terence. It's missing!

Did it look like a pebble? asks someone in the front row. 

Yes! cries Terence.

They took it, says the person.

They weren't supposed to! says Terence.

Was it supposed to come off? asks the person.

No! wails Terence.

Terence! hisses a voice from stage right. Come off !

Terence leaves the stage, hobbling theatrically.

The audience claps. 

It is kind of funny.