Pliny the Elder: It is calamitous that your snails are disappearing. Snails are medicinal wonders of the natural world. If you read my works this is made plain.
Me: Oh dear. What are they good for?
Pliny the Elder: Google me and see.
Me: You lazy old Roman. Alright.......
( Later ) You say they increase the speed of delivery. Are you kidding?
Pliny the Elder: What do you think I'm talking about?
Me: I don't know. The mail?
Pliny the Elder: Fool! I'm talking about childbirth! A nice drink of snails and whoosh, Bob's your nephew.
Me: Wish I'd known about that years ago.
Pliny the Elder: Indeed. And furthermore, reduced to a pulp, snails may be used to treat burns, abscesses, and other wounds. Boiled and grilled over a fire and eaten with wine, they will reduce stomach pains. He who spits up blood will feel better if he drinks snails. They are good too for vertigo, fainting, and fits of madness.
Me: Oh yes, and it says here you should mix the snails with donkey milk.
Pliny the Elder: It would not surprise me if that too, these days, is hard to find.
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