First Job Of The Sea Hare

Wait here, says Terence, to the sea hare.

D'accord, says the sea hare. I shall remain in this area.

That's the same thing, says Terence.

He runs back to Gaius.

Got any paper?

No, Gaius hasn't.

My parents will have some at the cottage, says Bertille.

Let's go! says Terence.

They race up the steps.

At the top of the steps, Bertille's parents are taking turns with the binoculars.

I see the chocolate box! says her father.

I saw it first! says her mother.

Let me see, says Bertille. It might be the wrong chocolate box. This one has a sea slug asleep in it.

What colour? asks her father.

Greeny-black, says Bertille.

Ah, a celtic sea slug, says her father.

Can we get the paper? asks Terence.

Yes, says Bertille. Terence and I need some paper.

The parents turn their attention to Terence.

Un enfant bizarre!

Trust their daughter to find such a playmate.

We need it to send out a message, says Terence.

You should place your message in a bottle, says Bertille's mother. Or it will get wet.

Yes, says Bertille. I'll find a bottle.

She runs into the cottage.

Is your message to be for the sea slug? asks Bertille's dad.

Which one? asks Terence.

There are more than one in the chocolate box? asks Bertille's mother.

No, says Terence. I've got a new sea slug. It's a sea HARE. It's going to take the message.

To the other one, concludes Bertille's mum.

No, says Terence. The other one doesn't need it. It's sleeping and may not wake up.

Isn't the first job of the sea hare to rescue the lost sea slug? asks Bertille's father.

I should have thought so, says Bertille's mum.

No, says Terence. First lost first looked for. I'm looking for Saint Roley's lost brother.

Why not call the coast guard? asks Bertille's dad.

He's a parrot, says Terence. Alas.

Bertille returns with some paper and an empty wine bottle with a screw top.

Did you bring something to write with? asks Bertille's dad.

The only pencil I could find was yellow, says Bertille.

Doesn't matter, says Terence. The sea hare has got its own ink.

To which you have access? asks Bertille's father.

And permission? asks Bertille's mum.

(You can tell they're either lawyers or teachers). 

If You Die You Die

Bertille comes down the steps, followed by the two bishops.

Where's our sea slug? asks Bertille.

Gaius has got it, says Terence.

Gaius shows Bertille the aplysia fasciata.

It's not the same one! says Bertille. Where's the first one?

I squished it, says Terence. Remember?

Well, where's the second one? asks Bertille. The one you ran down the steps with.

Alas! says Terence.

What does that mean? asks Bertille.

It's what you say when it isn't your fault, says Terence. I just put it down and a wave came. 

What has happened? asks Saint Arnoc.

It floated away, says Bertille. Gaius has found another one.

Let me see, says Saint Arnoc. Ah! a sea hare!

Yes, says Gaius. Commonly known as a sea hare. But not the sea slug I seek.

Dear me, says Saint Arnoc. If it's not one thing it's another.

It certainly is. 

Now Bertille's parents have returned from their outing in Brest.

They wave from the top of the steps.

Bertille, chérie. We're back now!

Can you see a chocolate box far out to sea? shouts Bertille.

No! shouts her father. Pourquoi?

Never mind, shouts Bertille.

I'll go in and fetch the binoculars! shouts Bertille's mother.

The parents disappear.

Meanwhile Gaius has decided to replace the sea hare. 

I'll take it, says Terence. I know where it was.

He carries the sea hare back to the crevice.

Merci, says the sea hare. 

Can you say anything else? asks Terence.

I'd rather be replaced on the sand, says the sea hare. I only hide in the crevices when the tide comes in. 

Woop! says Terence. Would you like a mission?

Depends, says the sea hare.

Terence explains the mission. Take a message to anyone out on the ocean who might know what happened to Saint Roley's brother, and if the brother is still out there on his piece of wet cardboard let him know that Saint Roley is still looking and ALSO this: if you die you die but if you lose your body you can grow a new body because sea slugs can.

That's a long message, says the sea hare.

It has to be, says Terence, or it wouldn't have everything in it.

It's good that I have my own ink, says the sea hare.

Terence can hardly believe it. 

 

Silence Ink

The tide is turning.

Terence clatters down the cliff steps.

He places the chocolate box on the sand, and sits down beside it.

Wake up, slug! says Terence.

The slug remains torpid.

Maybe Gaius is right, says Terence. I'll look for another one. You wait here.

He follows the narrow stretch of sand between the rocks and the waves, which are receding.

But only on average.

Wuuuush! That was a big one.

There is froth in a lacy line showing where the wave had got up to.

But Terence doesn't think to look back.

So he doesn't see the sea slug floating off on its journey.

At some point the sea slug will wake up, hungry for algae.

Realise its circumstances.

And despair.

Gaius comes down the steps, unaware of what's happened.

Terence! calls Gaius.

Look! cries Terence. Froth slippers!

He has gathered heaps of froth on his toes.

Very nice, says Gaius. Where is the sea slug?

I put it down on the sand, says Terence. I'm looking for another one.

Where? asks Gaius. 

Everywhere, says Terence.

Gaius scans the near environs.

No chocolate box. No sleeping sea slug.

He looks out to sea.

Is it or isn't it?

A speck in the distance. 

It may have floated away, says Gaius. Most unfortunate.

Yay! says Terence.

Not yay, says Gaius. I blame myself however. Now, let us look for the right kind of sea slug. And no nonsense about sending it off with a message.

Okay, says Terence.

He kicks off his froth slippers, and starts poking in crevices.

Here's one! It's spotty! 

Gaius hurries over, hoping the spots might be copepods, and the slug an elysia.

But no, Terence has found an aplysia fasciata.

Dark brown. Mottled. Two oral tentacles and two rhinopores in the front of the neck. Eyes in front of the rhinopores. A mantle covering its gills and internal organs. Under the mantle, a delicate shell, inside which is the ink gland

Gaius resolves not to tell Terence about the ink gland.

It Will Be A Hero

When the tide turns, says Gaius, we'll go down to the shore, and return the sea slug to it's proper habitat.

Then what? says Terence.

We'll look for the right kind of sea slug, says Gaius. 

One that can take a message, says Terence.

No, says Gaius. It's time to talk about that.

We are, says Terence.

Seriously, says Gaius. Think, Terence. It's not just about you.

It's about Saint Roley's brother, says Terence.

And the sea slug, says Gaius. Is it fair to involve it?

Yes, says Terence. It'll be a hero.

Does it want to be a hero? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Terence.

Ask it, says Bertille.

Do you? asks Terence.

Bleuh! says the sea slug.

See? says Terence. That means it does.

WEE means it does, says Bertille. We don't know what bleuh means.

A holy colour, says Saint Arnoc.

Don't confuse things, says Gaius. 

The sea slug starts moving towards the chocolate box nests.

Its intention is to push the box off the table.

Then they will know.

But the closer he gets the stronger is the smell of old chocolate. 

He is drawn to it.

He reaches the base of the box. It is made of a substance that crackles. 

He inches up the sides and onto a narrow viewing spot at the edge.

Most of the nest shapes are round or square, but one is log shaped.

That is where the sea slug would like to spend a few moments, contemplating its options.

It drops into the log shaped chocolate nest.

And falls instantly into a torpor.

It's dead! says Terence. 

I don't think so, says Gaius. We must return it to the shore as soon as possible. Has the tide turned?

Saint Ténénan looks at his watch. It's about to.

Shall we all go? asks Saint Arnoc. Ténénan and I will sit on a rock and watch over it until it recovers.

That is kind, says Gaius. 

What about the message? says Terence.

Have you understood nothing? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Terence.

He scoops up the chocolate box with the sleeping slug in its nest and runs up the stone steps.

Those In Peril On The Sea

The outer chocolate box has been set aside.

The inner box, with the individual nests, sits next to the tea box.

Choose, says Terence.

The sea slug makes for the discarded box.

Not that one! says Terence. 

I bet it's choosing that one on purpose, says Bertille. 

Why would it? asks Terence.

Because it doesn't want to go, says Bertille. 

Course it does, says Terence. 

He pushes the disqualified box off the table and onto the floor.

Now, choose between these two.

The sea slug thinks hard.

It doesn't want to go to sea without more information.

I believe it would like more information, says Saint Arnoc.

Yes! says Terence. Listen up, sea slug. This is your job. Float out to sea with a message.

Who is the message for? asks Saint Arnoc.

Why do you want to know? asks Terence.

I don't, says Saint Arnoc, but let's assume the sea slug does.

The message is for anyone on the ocean, says Terence.

And the message is...? encourages Saint Arnoc.

Have you seen Saint Roley's brother? says Terence.

Didn't you say he was dead? asks Bertille. 

He was thought to be, says Gaius. He took a wrong turning.

But what if he's still alive? asks Terence.

Then he will have realised it's unwise to remain on a wet piece of cardboard, says Gaius. How many years ago was it?

Twenty, says Terence.

No. More like seven, says Gaius. Perhaps five.

Tell us this, says Saint Ténénan. Why do you need a sea slug to deliver the message?

The sea slug is wondering the same thing. 

BECAUSE, says Terence. Sea slugs can grow a new body.

Not these ones, says Gaius.

It's hopeful, says Terence. 

It's true that the sea slug is hopeful, but not really hopeful of that.

Stiff Chocolate Nests

Bertille sits at the table, while Saint Arnoc and Saint Ténénan do the dishes.

She is watching the sea slug.

What is it thinking?

It's probably thinking where am I?

It's probably scared.

Are you scared? asks Bertille. 

Tato-box, says the sea slug.

Did you think Terence was going to put you in it? asks Bertille

Wee, says the sea slug. 

Are you speaking with the miraculous sea slug? asks Saint Arnoc, hanging up a tea towel.

It doesn't want to go out to sea in a potato box, says Bertille.

Understandable, says Saint Arnoc. It stank.

What's this about? asks Saint Ténénan.

The potato box, says Saint Arnoc. The sea slug objects to it.

We may have a smaller box, says Saint Ténénan.

Go and look, says Saint Arnoc. 

Saint Ténénan heads up the stone steps.

He is looking for a smaller box in the recycling bin when Gaius and Terence return from the cliff top.

Tide's in, says Gaius. Box has disappeared.

My box! laments Terence.

Never mind, says Saint Ténénan, lifting two smaller boxes out of the bin.

A tea box and a chocolate box.

Yay! cries Terence. Two boxes to choose from!

He takes the two boxes and races back down the steps.

Crash.

He trips and tumbles down the last few.

Boxes! says Bertille. That's good. Are you okay?

Thanks for asking, says Terence.

He looks okay.

But the chocolate box is ruined.

That was the best one, says Terence.

We can fix it, says Saint Arnoc. But why not let the sea slug choose its box? It may prefer the tea one.

It WILL! says Terence. Because it's not ruined! It's not a fair competition.

So everyone sits down at the table and looks at the flattened chocolate box.

The sides are broken, but there is a presentation tray in the middle with nests for each individual chocolate.

It is stiff, and does not appear to be ruined.

No Cat In

We'll go and look for the box after lunch, says Gaius. 

The tide will be coming in, says Saint Arnoc.

Hurry! cries Terence.

He slurps his red soup.

Bertille takes a large bite of her sandwich.

You ate the sea slug! says Terence.

No I didn't, says Bertille. I took it off first.

She has placed the sea slug on the table, near a candle.

It is, understandably, moving.

There's its head, says Gaius. See the two short thick cylindrical tentacles with eyes on the tips.

When will it drop off? asks Terence.

It probably won't , says Gaius. This sea slug is related to the nudibranch. It is not an elysia.

That is a good thing, says Saint Ténénan.

Why? asks Terence.

Its head won't drop off, says Saint Ténénan. I should have thought that was sufficient reason.

Terence wants its head to drop off, says Bertille. 

The sea slug is listening.

And being a quick learner, has already learned basic English.

Noody-brunch, says the sea slug.

Okay, not basic English.

It talks, says Terence. Maybe it can still take my message.

Whirr? says the sea slug.

A miracle! says Saint Arnoc. Ask it for a prediction! 

Later, says Gaius. Firstly, we should solve the box mystery. Coming Terence? 

Look after our sea slug! calls Terence, as he disappears up the stone steps behind Gaius.

Don't worry, says Bertille.

Saint Arnoc starts clearing the dishes.

At the top of the cliff path, Gaius can see it's already too late to retrieve the potato box.

The tide has come in and is covering the bottom three steps.

Was the box there when they went up the steps earlier?

Or had it disappeared already?

Rather like Schrodinger's box, (with no cat in).

Sea Slug Sandwich

Bring the sea slug with you, says Gaius. We don't want the soup going cold. 

Terence, Bertille and Gaius climb the steps to the cliff path.

Bertille is carrying the sea slug.

I'll take it, says Terence, when they get to the top.

You squashed the last one, says Bertille.

Did he? says Gaius. Better give it to me. And then I suppose you'll go home for your lunch.

This is my home, says Bertille. 

This is our home, says Terence.

You must be the summer tenant, says Gaius.

Me and my parents, says Bertille. You must be staying with the old bishops, in the cellar.

We are, says Gaius. This will be nice for Terence.

Yay! says Terence. Can she come to lunch?

If her parents allow it, says Gaius.

They went out and left me a sandwich, says Bertille.

Bring it, says Gaius. I'm sure no one will mind.

Bertille runs into the the stone cottage and comes out with a sandwich.

The sea slug is on top of the sandwich, which is unwrapped.  

This tells us a lot about Bertille and also her parents.

She is the type of girl who will allow a sea slug to sit on her sandwich. Her parents are the type of parents who, while providing a sandwich, have not thought to wrap it.

Gaius, Terence and Bertille go to the back of the cottage and down the stone steps to the cellar.

It smells of potato soup, in the cellar.

I can only have red soup, says Terence.

The potato soup is the colour of normal potatoes. Not red.

Never mind, says Saint Arnoc, I'll turn your soup red in a jiffy.

He takes Terence's soup bowl to a dark corner of the cellar.

When he returns it is red.

Bertille, says Saint Ténénan, there is a sea slug on your sandwich.

Yes, says Bertille, a celtic sea slug. Terence is going to send it out to sea with a message.

In the potato box, says Terence. Hey! Where is it?

We left it on the bottom step, says Bertille.

I didn't see it, says Gaius.

Well! Someone will have to explain that!

Probably me.

Blue Bleu Bleuh

I found one! says Bertille.

She shows Terence a small oval fleshy body, green-black.

Let me have it, says Terence.

He grasps it. Oops.

You've squashed it, says Bertille. 

No I haven't, says Terence.

But he has.

It didn't even have a head, says Terence. So it was no good anyway.

It did, says Bertille. They all have a head. You only see it when the sea slug is moving.

The sea slug is writhing, which counts as moving.

So where is the head?

They peer at the dying sea slug. A grey foot. No head.

Let's look for another one, says Bertille. This one's had it.

She puts it down, on the sand.

The tide will deal with it later. Or a sea bird.

She soon finds another one. 

Best if you don't touch it, says Bertille. Tell me your plan.

See if it's got cocopops, says Terence.

It hasn't, says Bertille.

Then I have to make a decision, says Terence. 

The new sea slug extends its pale head from under its mantle.

There's its head! says Bertille.

Perfect, says Terence. Hold it while I ask it a question.

Bertille holds it. 

Cocopops, says Terence.

However the sea slug is French.

Bleuh! says the sea slug.

It says blue! says Bertille.

Terence! calls Gaius, from the top of the steps. Soup's ready!

Come down! cries Terence.

Gaius comes down.

Ah! says Gaius. Onchidella celtica! A celtic sea slug. 

I asked it if it had cocopops, says Terence.

What? says Gaius. Did you mean copepods?

Yes, says Terence. 

You must get your terms right, says Gaius.

It said blue, says Terence.

Bleu , says Bertille.

Bleuh! says the celtic sea slug, breathing hard.

Luck Of The Tide

Saint Arnoc and Terence are back, with a dozen new potatoes.

Saint Arnoc, Saint Ténénan and Gaius start peeling.

Terence is given the old stinky box of potatoes.

He carries it up the stone stairs from the cellar to the back garden.

He tips out the stinky potatoes.

'Plant them out'. What does that mean?

Some are already sprouting.

He picks off the sprouts.

A girl comes round the corner.

Pooh! says the girl. What's that smell?

These, says Terence. I only want the box, really.

Were they in the box? asks the girl.

Yes, says Terence. Now I'm planting them out.

Maybe you shouldn't have picked the sprouts off, says the girl.

Maybe I should have, says Terence.

I guess it doesn't matter, says the girl. What do you want the box for?

To see if it floats, says Terence.

Now you're talking, says the girl. Let's take it down to the sea. My name's Bertille. What's yours?

Terence, says Terence.

Are you made of cement? asks Bertille.

Mostly, says Terence.

Better not get in the box, says Bertille. It won't float with you in it.

I wasn't going to be in it, says Terence. I have a much better plan.

What is it? asks Bertille.

Find a sea slug, says Terence. And see if it's one of the ones that can grow a new body. And give it a message. And float it away with the message.

Sounds like the dumbest plan ever, says Bertille.

Do you want to help or don't you? asks Terence.

I'll help you find a sea slug, says Bertille. 

They leave the potatoes to rot in the sun, the sprouts shrivelling beside them, and carry the potato box down a set of old steps to the sea.

Let's leave it on the bottom step, says Bertille.

They start looking for sea slugs, on exposed rocks, in crevices, and on the sandy shore.

The tide is going out, luckily.

Not for the tide, for the searchers.

Tide needs no luck.

Or if it does, the reasons are beyond the comprehension of humans.

Two Candles And Rotten Potatoes

They exit the train station.

Is it far? asks Gaius.

Not far, says Saint Arnoc. See that lighthouse? The Phare du Portzic. We live just beyond it.

You must have a fine view, says Gaius.

We do, says Saint Ténénan. It is pleasant to sit outside in the evening.

Are you sure you have room for us? asks Gaius. 

If you don't mind a bit of discomfort, says Saint Arnoc.

I've never minded a bit of discomfort, says Gaius. It's character building.

What about the infant? asks Saint Arnoc.

He is made of cement, says Gaius. 

Except for THIS! says Terence, waving his claw.

Ten minutes later they arrive at a stone cottage, beyond the lighthouse.

Here we are, says Saint Ténénan.

Very nice, says Gaius. 

Round the back, says Saint Arnoc.

They go round the back.

Down the steps, says Saint Ténénan. We live in the cellar.

It's not your cottage? asks Gaius.

It is, says Saint Arnoc, but we rent it out in the summer.

It is dark in the cellar. Saint Arnoc lights a candle.

Perhaps we could run to two candles, says Saint Ténénan.

Saint Arnoc lights a second candle.

Now, says Saint Arnoc, let me check the vegetable situation.

He opens a box. A bad smell issues.

We need more potatoes, says Saint Arnoc. I'll just nip to the shops. 

Can I come? asks Terence.

All right, says Gaius. Don't get lost. Stay close to Saint Arnoc.

Okay, says Terence.

He follows Saint Arnoc up the stone steps of the cellar, round the cottage and onto the cliff path.

Can I have the potato box? asks Terence.

It stinks, says Saint Arnoc. What do you want it for?

To see if it floats, says Terence.

You may have it if you plant out the rotten potatoes. says Saint Arnoc.

Yay! Terence can't wait to get back.

So He Is Spanish!

This is good of you, Gaius. says Belle.

I trust it won't be for too long, says Gaius.

You must do what Gaius tells you, says Belle.

What if he tells me to cut a slug's head off?  asks Terence.

Then you must make a moral decision, says Belle.

Yay! says Terence.

Belle leaves it at that.

She is staying a few days in Paris, catching up with old friends.

Gaius is heading to Brest on the TGV, with Saint Arnoc, Saint Ténénan and Terence.

No point returning to Adelaide, with South Australia in lockdown.

It is nice on the train. The countryside speeds by distinctly, and not in a blur.

Green fields and yellow. Dark forests. Green fields. Villages. Cows. A town. 

One gets a different perspective, says Saint Arnoc.

Indeed, says Saint Ténénan. We had planned to cycle. We didn't realise we could travel for nothing.

Arthur knows these sorts of things, says Gaius. I find him highly reliable.

We noticed, says Saint Arnoc. Why isn't he coming?

He'll enjoy a few days in Paris, says Gaius. Young people need freedom. Not you, Terence.

I need a parrot, says Terence.

Why a parrot? asks Saint Ténénan.

I always have a parrot, says Terence. I used to live on a palace.

It doesn't have to be an actual parrot, says Gaius. He's had a bristlebird, a crane, an oystercatcher and once, a balloon.

Why does he say 'on a palace'? asks Saint Arnoc.

He lived high up, on the outside, says Gaius. With his family. It was the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. 

So he is Spanish! says Saint Arnoc.

No! says Terence. I'm not Spanish! Because Saint Joseph isn't my real father. 

A complex story, says Gaius. Best left alone.

Well, well, says Saint Ténénan. We'll be in Brest shortly. We'll show you around, look for sea slugs. Perhaps you can pretend that one is a parrot.

A sea slug can't be a parrot, says Terence. 

Don't be so sure, says Saint Arnoc.

What are you thinking of? asks Gaius. Don't get his hopes up.

Sea slugs are colourful creatures, says Saint Arnoc. Think of the Lemon Lolly Doris. Or the Small Umbrella. Or the Batwing.

Gaius is impressed. He had not expected the saints to know so much about sea slugs.

Common names only, but still....

Toot.

The TGV arrives at the station in Brest. 

Head Gruesome

The Tour de France is over.

Vello has invited everyone to Café Procope for coffee and cakes.

This brings back memories, says Vello. There was a time I'd drink forty cups of coffee a day.

No wonder you were so inventive, says Belle.

A large plate of cakes arrives at the table.

Ahh, says Marcel, taking a madeleine. This too beings back memories. My aunt....

Never mind memories, says David. Where's the coffee?

Where's my red drink? asks Terence.

Coming, says Belle. And keep your hands off the cakes.

Okay, says Terence. What if I use my foot?

Very funny, little buddy, says Sweezus.

So, says Vello. What are everyone's plans? David and I are going to Ferney, to enjoy the rest of the summer.

We'll be returning to Brittany, says Saint Arnoc.

Can I come? asks Terence. 

Whatever for? asks Belle.

To look for Saint Roley's brother, says Terence.

No way, says Belle. Do you have plans, Gaius?

I do, says Gaius. I shall return to Adelaide to do some research on the sea slug.

How interesting, says Belle. Which sea slug?

The elysia coodgeensis, says Gaius. 

Any particular reason? asks Vello.

Because, says Gaius, new research has shown that the elysia marginata can discard its body and grow a new one. I wish to determine whether elysia coodgeensis can do the same.

Hey, says Sweezus. What's left if it discards its whole body?

The head, says Arthur.

I get that, says Sweezus. Just saying, it's gruesome. The head grows a new body.

It is quite remarkable, says Gaius. 

Well, good luck getting home, says David. I hear they've introduced level four restrictions.

We have sea slugs in Brittany, says Saint Arnoc. You are welcome to start your research there with us if you like.

Any slugs of the family elysia? asks Gaius.

I only know of the celtic sea slug, says Saint Arnoc.

That may be a nudibranch, says Gaius. Different family.

Are you going to cut off its head? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. It does that itself, while we observe it.

But why does it do it? asks Terence.

It will only do it if its body is infected with copepods, says Gaius.

Everyone looks at the cakes.

But nobody takes one.

Stage 21: Chatou to Paris Champs-Elysées - Red Mush

The Tour is practically over.

The teams ride out of Chatou.

Drinking champagne and whatnot.

Let's head for the finish in Paris.

Saint Arnoc and Saint Ténénan have secured a good spot to watch from, while minding Terence.

This will be exciting, says Saint Arnoc.

Belle says it won't be, says Terence.

We'll be watching for the green man, says Saint Ténénan.

If he wins today, he'll break Eddy Merckx's record, says Saint Arnoc.

So what? asks Terence. 

Wouldn't you like to break a record? asks Saint Arnoc.

No, says Terence. I'd get into trouble.

It's not about breaking anything, says Saint Ténénan. 

I broke my finger, says Terence. See this claw?

Good heavens! says Saint Arnoc. How did that happen?

Fish glue, says Terence. And Baby-BB has my broken finger. We're blood brothers.

Where is this Baby-BB? asks Saint Ténénan.

Dead, says Terence. 

Dear me, says Saint Arnoc, opening a paper bag in which is a cardboard box containing six macarons.

Would you like one?

I'm not allowed, says Terence. 

That's a shame, says Saint Arnoc.

Okay, says Terence. I'll have a red one.

He takes a red one.

The riders have not turned up yet,

And when they do they will go round eight times before it is finished.

Terence bites into the red macaron.

Yum. If he keeps it in his mouth long enough it will turn into mush. Then it'll be like a red drink.

Won't it?

Belle appears, at last.

What's that you're eating? asks Belle.

nnnthn, says Terence.

But she thinks she can smell macaron.

He swallows the mush just in time.

Why isn't he allowed cakes? asks Saint Arnoc.

He only has red drinks, says Belle. You guys should know that, being saints.

The saints are puzzled, because they did not know that, not having paid much attention to what Terence consumed at the picnics.

The first riders whizz past eight times, followed by the others.

Allez! The green man might do it! cries Saint Arnoc.

Whether this jinxes Mark Cavendish or whether it's his own fault or whether Wout van Aert is too good on the day we will never know.

But Wout van Aert wins it.

Stage 20: Libourne Time Trials - Reluctant

Today it's a time trial.

The members of Team Condor go early.

So do the members of Team Philosophe.

This is because in spite of mild cheating, they have won no points whatsoever.

At least this means they have some time free.

David wheels his bicycle up to Pablo, who is talking to Terence and Belle.

Do you have a minute? asks David.

If I had ten less minutes, says Pablo, I'd be in with a chance.

That's what I want to talk to you about, says David.

Too late now, says Pablo.

Never mind, says Belle.

You're all losers, says Terence.

The others ignore him.

About poetry, says David. I'm having trouble getting started.

Ah, says Pablo. First think of a subject.

I've got that far, says David. The kakapo.

Kakapo! laughs Terence. I've got a poem.

You can't have, says Belle.

Yes I have, says Terence. A kakapo has died. I buried it under a wheelbarrow. It's not going anywhere.

That's awful, says Belle.

I've heard it before, says Pablo. Only last time it was a dog. 

Your dog, says Terence.

Come with me, says Belle. We'll watch the other riders go down the ramp.

She takes Terence away.

The key is, says Pablo, to make it a love story.

A kakapo love story, says David. Do you have any idea how they mate?

No, says Pablo. I was thinking of something more personal.

Me and a kakapo? says David.

You could try another subject, says Pablo. Do you have a lady friend?

I'm very popular with the ladies, says David. But at the same time, somewhat reluctant.

Think of your last lady friend, says Pablo.

No, says David. I'll stick with the kakapo. I've come up with a long list of rhymes.

This might take longer than we have time for.

The last rider of the day has set off.

The last rider is Tadej Pogacar.

He does not have to beat the super fast time of Wout van Aert. Nor the second best super fast time of Kasper Asgreen. nor even the third most super fast time of Jonas Vingegaard, even though Vingegaard is his main rival.

All he needs to do is what he does do.

Come eighth. 

Thereby winning the Tour.

Stage 19: Mourenx to Libourne - Sweat

A flat stage.

A crash happens.

Many riders fall off their bikes, but not Pogacar.

However, all legs are tired.

Some teams conduct poetry competitions.

For example, Team Israel Startup.

Chris Froome: Finished!

André Greipel: Let's hear it then.

Chris Froome: A good day is a flat day, after a mountain day.

André Greipel: Is that it?

Chris Froome: It's one of those haikus.

Dan Martin: No, it isn't.

André Greipel: At least it rhymes.

Dan Martin: They aren't rhymes if you use the same word. Happy birthday André, thirty nine today. Is that a poem? I don't think so.

André Greipel: Never mind. I vote we accept it. Perhaps I grow old.

Team Philosophe is riding behind them. 

David is struggling.

David: Poetry is harder than I thought.

Vello: It needn't rhyme, you know.

David: Then how will you know it's not prose?

Vello: Because you've used poetical language. For example: The sweat drops on my brow trickle down my face like a slow mountain stream.

David: Did you just come up with that then?

Vello: Yes.

David: I thought so.

Gaius: It was very good, Vello. An evocative simile.

David: Perhaps I'll give up on the kakapo.

Gaius: Don't give up. Why not talk to Pablo?

David: He's too far in front.

Vello: Tomorrow then. During the time trials.

So that is decided. Tomorrow David will seek advice on poetry writing from Pablo Neruda.

What else do we need to know?

Who wins stage nineteen? Not Pogacar, not Cavendish.

Matej Mohoric.

Oh.

Stage 18: Pau to Luz Ardidon - Pog

Last big day in the mountains.

Just as well.

Sweezus has given up hope of being King of the Mountain.

What does it matter? says Arthur. 

True, says Pablo. The point of the Tour is not only to win it.

So what is it? asks Sweezus.

To challenge yourself, says Pablo.

If I wanted to challenge myself, I'd buy one of those Zwift things, says Sweezus.

Look on the bright side, says Pablo, looking at Arthur.

At least we're not cheating, says Arthur.

Sweezus is about to cheer up when a French policeman in the crowd pokes a baton in front of his face.

Stop! says the policeman.

Don't! says Arthur. 

But Sweezus thinks he should stop for a policeman.

He stops.

They are just out of Pau.

Non! says the policeman. I did not mean it! Get back on your bicycle. A thousand apologies. It's me.

Sweezus knows the face of the policeman. And the curly blue hair under under his blue gendarme cap.

Fuck you, Marcel, says Sweezus. 

Allez! Allez! cries Marcel. Desolé!

Which means he is sorry.

Sweezus gets back on his bike, and soon catches up to Team Philosophe, who are discussing their poetry competition, and dawdling.

It was when Arthur pointed out the double meaning, says Gaius, that I realised how clever my poem was.

Tell me again, says Vello.

Ars means skill in Latin, says Gaius. But it sounds like arse, a crude name for buttocks.

We all know that, says Vello. But am I right in recalling that Latin is not a spoken language?

Strictly speaking, that is correct, says Gaius.

Therefore, says Vello, no one could pick up the double meaning.

Unless I added an e, says Gaius. 

Then what happens to skill? asks Vello.

What's this about? asks Sweezus.

Never mind, says Gaius.

Yes, never mind. This race is important.

Let us fast forward to the finish, at the top of the Luz Ardidon.

Who is it this time? 

Aaagh! Can you believe it. It's Tadej Pogacar again, racing against Vingegaard and Carapaz (again), and easily winning!

One might think there is something not right here until one remembers that all Pogacar's main rivals are either out or in some way disabled due to crashes.

Fortune smiles on the Pog!

Stage 17: Muret to Saint-Lary-Soulan - Arse

A tough day in the Pyrenees, with three big climbs in the last 60k.

Some of the teams are in trouble.

But Team Philosophe is okay.

David has had a miraculous recovery from his fall yesterday. 

Or so goes the story.

What really happened was this.

Saints Arnoc and Ténénan had been hovering near the wall when David catapulted over it.

Saint Arnoc had taken David's place.

Saint Ténénan had performed first aid and kept David out of sight till the race passed.

Just as well, for David had been muttering:

Kakapo-potato-gigolo-no-no-no-oh-my-toe...... 

Saint Arnoc had caught up with Vello and Gaius, finishing the stage in a creditable position.

Gaius had been so preoccupied with his poem (in Latin), that he had not noticed.

So all was well.

But now it's today. Bastille Day. How nice it would be should a Frenchman win the stage.

But the French have not counted on the excellent form of Tadej Pogacar.

There he goes now. What good legs!

Sweezus and Pablo are labouring up the Col de Peyresourde, eating chocolate panini.

The best of friends, having cleared up the matter of Belle.

Arthur is up ahead, talking to Gaius.

David did well yesterday, says Arthur.

I hadn't noticed, says Gaius. To be honest my mind was focussed on my poem.

How's it going? asks Arthur.

Very well, says Gaius. I'm just tinkering with the last line. Perhaps I could run it by you. How are you at Latin?

Top of the Latin class at school, says Arthur.

Then see what you make of this, says Gaius:

In montibus et campis

inter scaenarum pulchrum

una res possum videre

ars ducis est.

Ars ducis est? says Arthur. All you can see in the beautiful scenery is the arse of the leader?

Ars, says Gaius. Meaning skill.

A double meaning, says Arthur. That's clever.

Gaius has not realised it was so clever.

Now he does.

Stage 16: Pas de la Case to Saint Gaudens - Chocolate

A hilly day is expected.

A good day for the breakaway.

The last climb peaks seven kilometres from the finish, with the last 400 metres being uphill.

Team Philosophe is in good spirits, thanks to yesterday's picnic, and the lifted restrictions.

David in particular. Due to which, something bad happens.

Remember that stone wall that Phillippe Gilbert catapulted over in 2018?

That's what's coming!

But not yet.

Who's for a poetry competition? asks David.

Since when did you ever write poetry? asks Vello.

I'm sure it's easy, says David. Sweezus's poem was an example of that.

Yes, says Gaius. We could all do better. I shall compose mine in Latin.

What is the point? asks Vello.

Take our minds off the pain, says David.

A few riders from other teams overhear this in passing.

Poetry eh? Worth considering.

All right, says Vello.

David starts thinking.

Hum. First, it is obvious, one needs to come up with a subject.

David considers the kakapo. An intriguing subject. What rhymes with kakapo?

Kakapo, buffalo... no, not that...

He is speeding ahead, thinking of rhymes.

The wall draws closer.

Further back, Sweezus watches Pablo open his feed bag.

Pablo draws out a snack.

Oh yeah? What's he got? A chocolate panino!

Bet I haven't got one.

It'll be some kind of love snack from Belle.

Doesn't she know Pablo's seduced millions of women.

Sweezus feels in his food bag. Fumble fumble.

Arthur is eating something too. Bet it's not a.....

But this will remain unresolved, because suddenly boom! David hits the wall and is catapulted over, disappearing into the green depths below.

Disaster! And Team Philosophe has no team car.

But here he is, climbing back up the slope. 

He looks a bit different. 

Never mind, we should really check on what's happening up the front.

Sweezus seems to be eating a chocolate panino.

No, not there, the very front!

Patrick Konrad of team Bora Hansgrohe is soloing to victory.

This is nice. 

Imagine Peter Sagan, who had to leave the tour early, with his sore knee, which turned out to be infected and need surgery, watching his team mate win the stage on tv.

Rest Day in Andorra - Duck Puke

It's a well deserved rest day, in Andorra.

Belle has invited Team Condor, Marcel, Saint Arnoc and Saint Ténénan to a picnic.

They all arrive together.

Welcome to our feast! says Vello. Belle has provided some delicious dishes.

Even duck puke! says Terence.

Duck with pear, says Belle, and lamb with nuts, also pork civet, and spinach and raisins with pine nuts, stuffed mushrooms and dandelion salad.

It's yellow, says Terence. The duck puke.

They are all specialities of Andorra, says Vello. What a gem you are, darling!

Yes, says Pablo, a wonderful gem. I have made a poem about her.

Oh really? says Belle. May I hear it?

What's to drink? asks Sweezus.

Yes, you may hear it, says Pablo. He recites his poem: If I could be in two places etc.

Oh how SWEET! says Belle. Of course I love you!

Sweezus has found a can of beer in the esky, and popped the top.

Arthur has popped one as well.

Dandelion salad, says Saint Arnoc. Reminds me of hard times.

I might try it, says Marcel.

He picks at a dandelion.

He's eating a flower! says Terence.

That was a delightful poem, Pablo, says David,

Indeed it was, says Gaius. Perhaps Team Philosophe should have a poetry competition.

Sweezus looks scornful, and opens another can of beer.

Sweezie! says Belle. At least eat some duck. 

Duck puke! shouts Terence.

Duck with PEAR! says Belle. Now Terence, you'll like this lovely granizada. It's crushed watermelon with ice shavings.

Any chance of a wine, dear? asks Vello.

Yes, says Belle. Try this Evolucio from Casa Auvinga.

A local wine? asks David. I didn't think they made wine in Andorra.

They do, says Belle. It's a pinot noir, and it tastes different every time.

They soon find out the truth of this.

But perhaps the truth is affected by duck puke and dandelion salad.

Well now, says Vello. We're all doing well in the Tour, in spite of restrictions.

If you say so, says David. I'd prefer to try and win points occasionally.

Go ahead then, says Gaius, (on his second Evolucio). I hereby lift my restrictions.

Hurrah! says David.

Hurrah! say the saints, with their mouths full of raisins and spinach.

Huzzah! cries Marcel, who likes to be different.

Yay! cries Terence.

Belle brings out a flat cake.

Stage 15: Céret to Andorre-la-Vielle - Cruel

 A tough stage, in the Pyrenees, with four difficult climbs, and a downhill finish.

Team Condor are taking it easy.

Team Philosophe ride up behind them.

Giving up boys? asks Vello.

No way, says Sweezus. 

So why are you cycling so slowly? asks David.

Didn't think we were, says Sweezus.

It's because we are also having a poetry competition, says Pablo.

I see, says David. And who is winning?

No one yet, says Sweezus. It'll probably be Arthur or Pablo.

Don't sell yourself short, says Gaius.

Is yours finished? asks Vello.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Wanna hear it?

We don't really have time, says Vello.

We'll all speed up, says Sweezus. Okay, listen:

Don't ask me why

I want to be

King of the Mountain

I don't know myself

It's a goal I set early

When it seemed a great thing

To win points.

That won't be the winner, says Vello.

It made me feel better, says Sweezus. 

Me too, says Pablo.

Because you'll be the winner, says Arthur.

Unless it's you, says Pablo. 

Team Philosophe lose interest, and start pedalling up the Col de Beixalis.

That is cruel. They didn't wait to hear ours, says Pablo.

Is yours finished? asks Sweezus.

Mine is, says Arthur. This is it:

I am the road

Spotted with small electric moons

Mingling with flowers

And gnarled trees with black scent

A kiss slowly rising.

Awesome, says Sweezus. How'd you come up with that?

Recycling, says Arthur.

Ha ha, laughs Pablo. This is mine:

If I could be in two places

I would stand beside you

as your graceful arm 

extends to me the gift of nut bars

and fruit-flavoured water. 

I would watch your face 

and note your expression

as I pedal away.

Do you love me?

Perhaps you don't know.

Yeah? Who's that about? asks Sweezus.

Way up ahead (and down), Sepp Kuss rides to victory in Andorra.

Stage 14: Carcassonne to Quillan - Potato

The teams ride out from Carcassonne.

They face a series of five short steep climbs.

The weather is warmish.

Team Condor considers forming a breakaway.

Are you guys up for it? asks Sweezus.

Arthur and Pablo are up for it.

They speed out ahead of the peloton. That was easy.

The peloton reels them back in.

That too was easy.

We tried, says Pablo.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Maybe it's not our day.

True, says Pablo. I think you know when it's your day.

It's not our day, says Arthur. Everyone's suspicious.

Yeah I know, says Sweezus. Marcel did us no favours.

There he is now, at the side of the road with some bagpipes.

He is minding Terence, and blowing.

Look! cries Terence. We've got bagpipes!

It's a biniou! shouts Marcel.

To shout this he has had to stop blowing.

Screee-urrrrr.

Where'd he get that? mutters Sweezus.

Back in Brittany, says Arthur. But at the time he didn't know how to play it.

He still doesn't, says Sweezus.

They are coming up to the feed zone.

Belle hands them their musettes.

Inside are gels, energy bars and fizzy drinks.

Same old same old....

Pablo has one of those moments.

What am I doing here? asks Pablo.

Same as us, says Sweezus. 

Yes but what is it? says Pablo.

Team Condor slows down..

Remember last year, says Pablo. We all wrote poems.

That was the year before, says Sweezus. But yeah.

And Richie wrote one, says Arthur, About eating a potato with butter and salt and black pepper.

Okay, let's do it, says Sweezus.

They ride on, up and down the five mountains, thinking of words.

It's one way to focus.

But not the best way.

Bauke Mollema, whose day it is, and who is focussed on winning, soloes to victory in Quillan.

Stage 13: Nimes to Carcassonne - Speed Up

Team Condor has dodged a bullet.

Marcel has been let go.

At the end of yesterday's stage he was hauled up to face Christian Prudhomme.

Christian Prudhomme: How is it that you were riding Sagan's bike?

Marcel: I came across it and decided on the spur of the moment to use it.

Christian Prudhomme: You decided! Meanwhile a great search was set off!

Marcel: Well, here it is. He can have it back now, and he will find it is not damaged in any way as I...

Christian Prudhomme: Do I know you?

Marcel: Not personally, but I am well known in my way, due to a very long novel I published years ago, and if I may say so it...

Christian Prudhomme: If you were not wearing a curly blue wig I would swear that you were Marcel Proust the famous writer and literary icon of France.

Marcel (removing the wig): It is kind of you to say so.

Christian Prudhomme: Alors! We can hardly pursue you. As to Sagan's bike, we'll say no more about it.

Marcel: Toot! 

Christian Prudhomme: Was that a French tout?

Marcel: No it was English.

and so on.....

Today is another flat day.

Somehow we all expect Cavendish to win it.

His team Deceuninck Quickstep leads him out -

positions him perfectly - 

all he has to do is - 

in the final seconds -

speed up.

Stage 12: Saint-Paul-Trois-Châteaux to Nimes - Abandoned

Another flat stage. 

Perhaps Cavendish will win it.

But that is unlikely. 

Today he's not wearing the speed suit.

Peter Sagan has not started, due to a bad knee.

The teams ride out of Saint-Paul-Trois-Châteaux.

Team Condor is in the midst of the pelaton.

There they go, Sweezus, Arthur, Pablo, and.....one other.

Sweezus is looking resigned.

Look! says Belle, standing on the grass verge with Terence.

Marcel clown! says Terence.

Where did he get the spare bike from? says Belle.

Maybe it's a clown bike, says Terence.

Team Philosophe pedals by.

Papa! shouts Belle. Is that Marcel up ahead, behind Sweezie?

How should I know? replies Vello.

Try and find out, shouts Belle.

I'll go, says Gaius. I'm keen to get to Nimes early.

For goodness sake, says Vello. We're all keen to get to Nimes early!

Why particularly? asks David,

It's an old Roman outpost, says Gaius. I want to wander around it.

Off you go then, says Vello. Remember to check on Marcel.

Gaius shoots forward. 

We should have used Gaius as a lead out, says David.

No we shouldn't, says Vello. We're not supposed to win points.

That was Gaius's condition, says David. What if HE wins points accidentally?

Ha ha! laughs Vello. Serve him right!

Gaius soon catches up with Marcel, (because it is he).

Hello, says Marcel. I suppose you are wondering why I am riding today, when both Arthur and Pablo are riding for Team Condor as well.

Not really, says Gaius. I'm trying to get to Nimes early.

It is because I found this bicycle abandoned, says Marcel. 

Gaius does not look too hard at the bicycle.

If he did he might notice it was Peter Sagan's.

And sense trouble.

But he powers ahead. 

Soon catching up with Sweezus.

Scheisse! says Sweezus. You're in a hurry. Did you see Marcel back there?

I did, says Gaius. Not doing anything wrong, is he?

The hell he isn't, says Sweezus. He's meant to be clowning today.

He found an abandoned bicycle, says Gaius. Excuse me! Must hurry!

He speeds off. 

He actually reaches Nimes well before anyone else does. So early, no one pays any attention.

He has time to stroll round the double-tiered amphitheatre, and pedal out to the Pont du Gard and view the three-tiered aqueduct.

We Romans certainly knew what we were doing, thinks Gaius.

It's true. They did.

A bit later Nils Politt soloes to the finish, in Nimes.

Nils Politt is in Team Bora-Hansgrohe. 

Peter Sagan' team. 

Peter Sagan will think that is nice.

Stage 11: Sorgues to Malaucène - Bleeds

Today the stage ends with a double ascent of Mont Ventoux, and a tricky ride down to the finish.

Marcel is glad that today he is being a clown.

He is standing with Saint Arnoc and Saint Ténénan, not even watching.

I can't watch, says Marcel. This will be so taxing, and did you know that the riders sometimes get nose bleeds because of the difficult breathing conditions, and they have to be handed a tissue by someone in the team car, and dab their own noses while continuing to ride up the hill?

No, says Saint Arnoc. What is a tissue?

It sounds like a sneeze, says Saint Ténénan.

It is a thin piece of paper, says Marcel. Didn't they have them in your day?

Of course not, says Saint Arnoc. We didn't even have hankies.

In that case, how do you know about hankies? asks Marcel.

We try to keep up, says Saint Arnoc. But we have not encountered the tissue.

Don't waste your time, says Marcel. The tissues in last box of tissues I bought were so thin that when I tried to wipe my nose my finger made a hole in the tissue which resulted in a most unpleasant sensation.

What might that have been? asks Saint Ténénan.

I imagine he got mucus on his finger, or fingers, says Saint Arnoc.

Correct, says Marcel But it was only one finger. One should never poke more than one finger into one's nose.

Fascinating as this exchange is, however, we must leave them.

And watch the riders.

It's been a hard day. 

Someone got a nose bleed.

But it wasn't Wout van Aert.

Look at him, powering up the steep side of Mont Ventoux.

Woop! and over.

And down the twisty path to the finish.

Wout van Aert is the winner!

Kenny Ellisonde and Bauke Mollema come second and third.

Cavendish stays in green and Pogacar in yellow.

Quintana keeps the polka dot jersey.

So not much has altered.

Stage 10: Albertville to Valence - Green

Stage ten, after the rest day. A flat one.

The teams ride out of Albertville. The sun is shining. The road grey. Trees green.

Team Philosophe are riding together, and chatting.

Which saint is taking the place of Gaius today?

But no! Look! It IS Gaius!

What has caused him to abandon his principles?

That tartiflette, yesterday, the diots, the bilberry tart and multiple glasses of Chignin?

Not that Gaius would overindulge.

Vello: It's good to have you back on board.

Gaius: I felt obliged, in the circumstances.

David: I hope our two bishops will soon recover.

Vello: I don't mind if they don't. 

Gaius: Who would have thought they could put away so many sausages?

Vello: Me. But not that they would be indisposed this morning.

David: It's turned out for the best.

Vello: Yes. Except for Gaius's strict condition.

Gaius: I trust you will both adhere to my condition.

David: Not to try to win points. It's hardly a difficult condition. In all our years of competing, we've never won any.

Gaius: That isn't the point.

Vello: Ha ha! No, it isn't.

A bit further up the road: A spill! 

Richie Porte is among the fallen. He gets up and exchanges his bike.

He soon catches up to the peloton.

Sweezus: Hey Richie! You okay?

Richie: Yeah.

Marcel: You have a tear in your knickers.

Richie: Who are you?

Sweezus: Pablo.

Richie: No way! I know Pablo.

Sweezus: He's changed since he worked as a diplomat.

Richie: Changed? Uh. He should've got fatter, not thinner.

Sweezus: Nah.  He couldn't go anywhere, because of the covid.

Richie: Bummer. 

Marcel: You should get that scrape seen to. If it were me...

Richie:  Yeah. If it WERE you!

Sweezus: Ha ha! Good one Richie.

Richie rides off to try and do something.

Up at the finish, who is this, well-positioned behind a line of fellow riders from team Deceuninck Quick-Step, in the green jersey?

Mark Cavendish!

If he can only.....

He does! 

Now he is one stage win off equalling the record number of stage wins of the great Eddie Merckx.

Which is important.

Tignes: Le Lac Long Lunch

Belle has prepared a picnic for teams Condor and Philosophe.

The two bishops are invited. So is Marcel, if he comes as a clown.

Belle spreads out a red and white cloth on the grass at the edge of Lac de Tignes.

What's for me? asks Terence.

Ribena, says Belle. See if you can poke the straw in by yourself.

Okay, says Terence. He tries.

Team Condor turns up, with Marcel.

Yum! says Sweezus. Raclette! How did you keep the cheese warm?

Aluminium foil, says Belle. And a tea towel. Eat up, before it goes solid.

Sweezus, Arthur and Pablo sit down and start chewing.

Marcel looks in suspicion at the cheese.

Vello, David and Gaius have been strolling along the banks of Le Lac, admiring its blueness.

Have you opened the wine, dear? calls Vello.

Yes, papa, says Belle.  Do come. There's a lovely Chignin, and a superb Mondeuse.

She pours out the glasses.

There's also tartiflette and diots, says Belle, followed by tarte aux myrtilles.

The saints appear, walking close together.

Are we late? asks Saint Arnoc.

Not at all, says Vello. Sit down and have a diot. And a glass of red wine. This Mondeuse is worth trying.

It has bluish tones, says Marcel.

Let's see, says Sweezus. Yeah, it does.

Yuck, says Terence.

Now, says Vello, let's clear up a few things.

Yes, says Belle. Can we clear up that there will be no more cheating?

No more cheating, says Gaius. A good resolution.

He takes a slice of tartiflette. Mmm. And a glass of Chignin.

Not about that, says Vello. Although of course I'm against Team Condor cheating.

Sweezus and Arthur and Pablo ignore him.

No, says Vello, it's about....

Saint Roley! says Terence. They won't say where he is.

You know where he is, says Gaius. We left him on Kangaroo Island.

Kangaroo Island! Is there work there for a bishop? asks Saint Ténénan. Assuming he IS a bishop.

He is not a bishop, says Gaius.

He's a parrot, says Terence.

He's an oystercatcher, says Gaius. Originally from Brittany. We met him years ago, when we stayed there. I wonder if either of you have heard of Saint Méen?

Saint Méen is my father! cry Saint Arnoc and Saint Ténénan.

Ho! That clears up the question! says Vello.

Yeah, what was the question? asks Sweezus.

Vello explains that this proves the saints are the same person.

The picnic continues until the last crumb of the tarte aux myrtilles is demolished.

And all of the wine.

Everyone but Marcel, who is finnicky, agrees it was an excellent picnic.

Stage 9: Cluses to Tignes - Ding

Another day in the mountains. Again it is raining.

Arthur is back in the saddle.

There he goes, leading out Sweezus, who today has five chances to be King of the Mountain.

Pablo is not far behind.

Go team! cries Belle.

Yay! cries Terence. 

Bong-bong-bong! cries Marcel, dinging a bell.

Bon chance! cries Saint Arnoc.

(They are all standing together, near a barrier).

I have to go shopping for tomorrow, says Belle. Marcel, will you do the food bags, and Saint Arnoc, would you mind Terence?

Certainly, says Saint Arnoc. I look forward to getting to know Terence a little better. 

Why? asks Terence.

Because you appear as a holy infant, says Saint Arnoc.

Do you know Saint Roley? asks Terence. 

The first part of the name rings a bell, says Saint Arnoc. 

Good, says Terence. Where is he?

That I don't know, says Saint Arnoc.

Marcel wanders off with the food bags. 

He is thinking of more important things than food distribution.

The intricacies of clown technology. 

His bell does not seem to ding right.

Nairo Quintana rides past.

Today my goal is King of the Mountains, says Quintana, to another Columbian, in Spanish.

Will he achieve it?

(The answer is no).

Along comes Ben O'Connor. 

But no one has heard of Ben O'Connor. 

Today I'm winning this stage, says Ben O'Connor, to another AG2R rider.

Go for it! says the other AG2R rider.

Can it be so simple?

There are hard mountains to ride up and down on. 

And it is still raining.

But Ben seems to know.

Stage 8: Oyonnax to Le Grand Bornard - Who Am I?

Rain.

Three mountains to climb before the downhill finish.

Sometimes it's best not to think ahead.

But you really can't help it.

Vello is riding behind Saint Arnoc, who is replacing Gaius today.

Saint Arnoc is not doing badly, for a saint.

Vello rides up alongside him.

Look here, says Vello. I'm sorry about yesterday.

It wasn't me, says Saint Arnoc. 

The day before then, says Vello. It seems you do have some legs.

I don't remember, says Saint Arnoc. But you are right, we both have them.

As to that, says Vello, it's lucky you two both look the same.

I look nothing like Gaius, says Saint Arnoc. 

I meant your fellow saint, says Vello.

Saint Ténénan, says Saint Arnoc. We do look the same. Some believe we're the same person.

That doesn't surprise me, says Vello. Of course, you must know the truth of it.

We don't, says Saint Arnoc. Not definitively. The records have vanished into the mists of time.

They pass Primoz Roglic, who has cracked on the mountain, and is also vanishing into the mists of time.

(But has hopes of riding in the Olympics).

Ridiculous, says Vello. It's not a question of records, it's an existential question: Who am I?

Yes, says Saint Arnoc. But this is not the time for existential questions.

True, says Vello. We will clear it up at the picnic on Monday

Am I invited? asks Saint Arnoc. 

Of course, says Vello. Belle always puts on a good spread.

Wonderful! says Saint Arnoc. Now, best knees forward!

You forget I'm the team captain, says Vello.

The rain tipples down. 

There are spots of rain on the cameras.

If you are watching the race on the television, or an ipad, the riders look blurry.

But now!

Who is that speeding down from the Col de la Columbière to the finish? 

Dylan Teuns, of Bahrain Victorious. The stage winner!

And who is that coming fourth?

Fourth?

It's a relevant question because, ..... it's Pogacar, who now claims the yellow jersey!

Stage 7: Viorzon to Le Creusot - Messing

Stage seven. A long one, and hilly.

A large breakaway forms at the front.

Sweezus finds himself in it.

Where is Arthur?

Sweezus looks over his shoulder.

WTF? That's not Arthur!  Or is it? He's wearing the frog coloured outfit. 

And the helmet, but under the helmet, just visible, curly blue hairs.

It's Marcel. 

Prousty? says Sweezus, slowing slightly.

Marcel catches up.

Poor Arthur was feeling stiff in the knee, says Marcel, and I changed places with him at the last minute, at least, we managed to change costumes but it is not an ideal situation that I still wear the wig, because it is gathering heat and I fear it will not serve me well in the mountains.

Shut up, says Sweezus. Everyone's listening.

They will not believe it, says Marcel. Who would be so foolish....?

Take it off, says Sweezus. No, wait, don't.

They will think we are messing with their heads, says Marcel, as when mother used to tell me that grandmother wasn't coming on Saturday morning with a basket of pastries, and I would believe her until voila! grandmother would appear in the doorway, her soft round face creased with solicitude when she saw my sad features.....

Sheez! says Sweezus. 

He picks up the pace.

Marcel is left wondering if he has upset his team leader.

He speeds up as well.

But his head is so hot.

He will stop soon, for a nature break. And get right off the road, behind a tree, then quickly, remove his helmet.

He does this successfully. Proust is no ninny.

It's a long day in the saddle and the final climb up Signal d'Uchan is brutal.

But there is always someone.

Matej Mohoric, of team Bahrain Victorious, is that someone today.

Stage 6: Tours to Châteauroux - Hole

A day for the fast finishers. The last 1.5 k is dead straight.

Mark Cavendish is wearing the green jersey.

Matthieu van der Poel is in yellow. 

Belle has relented, and is at the feed zone with snacks she bought earlier.

Terence and Saint Ténénan are beside her.

Can I give out the drinks? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. You're too low. They'd lose their balance.

What if I stand on a box? asks Terence.

Not allowed, says Belle.

What is allowed? asks Terence.

Encouragement, says Saint Ténénan. 

Cheating? asks Terence.

No, says Saint Ténénan. That isn't.

You cheated, says Terence. Belle said.

Never mind, says Belle. Team Philosophe is doing so badly it hardly matters.

We need Gaius to replace Saint Arnoc, says Saint Ténénan.

Too late now, says Belle.

The peloton enters the feed zone.

The riders take their musettes.

Belle thrusts one at Vello and one at David.

Where is Saint Arnoc? 

A long way behind.

Here he comes now, chatting to Arthur.

No thank you, says Saint Arnoc, passing Belle.

I'll take both, says Arthur.

He takes two.

Sweezus rides up, with Pablo. They have been discussing Pablo's new job last year in Chile.

He was employed as a diplomat.

And I could not go anywhere, says Pablo. Because of the covid19.

Bummer, says Sweezus.

They each take a musette.

Courage! says Terence. 

Thanks, little buddy, says Sweezus.

That was nice, says Belle.

What's in the musettes? asks Saint Ténénan.

Sainte-Maure cheese, says Belle.

My favourite goat cheese, says Saint Ténénan. It has the grey mouldy rind rolled in wood ash, and the hole through the middle.

Why does it have a hole through the middle? asks Terence.

For the straw, says Saint Ténénan.

And nougat, adds Belle.

Terence is confused, but Saint Ténénan isn't.

Some way down the route, Vello has finished his goat cheese and is taking a bite of the nougat. 

Watch your teeth on the nougat, David, says Vello. 

David loves nougat.

They are far from the finish, but not at the back of the peloton.

The sun is shining. 

Who cares who is winning?

Only Mark Cavendish, and that is because it is him.