Determinism

Gaius listened. Sweezus was sucking up to Camus.

Wow! Sweezus was saying. Wow! You were in the Second World WAR! That's so cool!

Yes, said Camus. It was in occupied France. I edited the underground newspaper Combat. Of course not many people knew it was me until after the war, but then I became quite a hero.

Oh AWESOME! said Sweezus.

I'm going to buy myself a pie, said Gaius. See you later.

See ya, said Sweezus, and turned back to Camus.

It must have been brilliant back then, he said.

It had its moments, said Camus. In fact my article for Velosophy is about one of those moments.

Tell me, said Sweezus.

You might pinch it, said Camus. You haven't done yours.

I promise I won't, said Sweezus. Go on.

Alright, said Camus. True story. We're in hiding with false ID papers. We get news of the Allied advance. We're returning to Paris on three bicycles. Pierre, Janine, Michel and me.

That's not enough bicycles, said Sweezus.

Exactly, said Camus. So we have to take turns donkeying Janine. But they let me off my turn because I have TB.

What's THAT? asked Sweezus. TB?

It's a disease, said Camus.

Is that what you die of? asked Sweezus.

No, said Camus. I die of something else. Anyway, on the way back to Paris we see planes diving and dropping bombs, we see Germans sheltering in the woods. We keep going, stupidly believing the bombs aren't meant for us.

Oh WOW! said Sweezus. But you were right, they weren't meant for you.

But they still could have killed us, said Camus.

If something's meant to kill you, said Sweezus, it does.

I know, said Camus.

Rules of Engagement

We octopi, said Anoctopus, have our own way of judging the truth of a story. It doesn't matter if the story tells of fictional or impossible events. We judge it true if and only if an octopus is the hero of the story.

Do you indeed? said Gaius. Most interesting. I suppose most octopus stories present the octopus as the villain.

They do, said Anoctopus. And that annoys us. The story you've just heard is a favourite with us. It was told by the Eyak Indians, of the Copper River Delta, in Alaska.

How come you think the octopus is the hero? said Lavender. He gets killed by a whale.

But look at what he achieves, said Anoctopus. He abducts a woman, lectures her uncles and brothers about killing octopuses, and fathers two octopus children, who turn into heroes as well, when they kill the whale for revenge.

But, said Baby Pierre, the two young octopuses are half human. So they aren't proper octopus heroes.

Yes they are, said the octopus. You don't understand the rules of engagement. The existence of two octopus children who disappear back into the sea and are never seen by humans again is a victory for the octopi.

I think we must agree that octopi and humans have different ideas of what constitutes a hero, said Gaius. And, for that matter, what constitutes the truth. Does any one want to hear another octopus story?

No, said Lavender. Octopus stories suck.

Nor me, said Baby Pierre.

But I have one, said Gaius. It's a good one, and you must judge whether its true or not, and who is the hero.

Tell, said Anoctopus.