Solitude Versus Not-Cousin

And where is Baby Pierre? 

He has left Paris behind. 

He has walked down country lanes and stopped often.

He has met other pebbles.

Most of the pebbles are happy to stay where they are.

But one pebble, who reminds Baby Pierre of his cousin Ouvert, has joined him.

Just as far as the Parc Naturel du Vexin, says the pebble, who isn't his cousin Ouvert.

I welcome the company, says Baby Pierre. Solitude is a fine thing, but one's own thoughts can be self serving.

You are wise, says Not-Cousin-Ouvert.

I am an atheist and free thinker, says Baby Pierre proudly.

Not-Cousin-Ouvert thinks that this is a contradiction, but does not say so.

Where are you headed eventually? asks Not-Cousin-Ouvert.

The seaside, says Baby Pierre.

It is a long way to the seaside, says Not-Cousin-Ouvert.

I seek to meet with a lobster, says Baby Pierre.

Any lobster? asks Not-Cousin-Ouvert.

One who knows Ageless, says Baby Pierre. My mentor.

Ageless lobster, says Not-Cousin-Ouvert. What for?

It's a long story, says Baby Pierre.

Tell it, says Not-Cousin-Ouvert.

Baby Pierre is happy to tell it. The real cousin Ouvert would not have asked.  

It was the final stage of the Tour de France, says Baby Pierre. I was speeding back and forth, as I do. When suddenly, Bang! A motor bike hit me. As I lay on the ground, my bicycle in pieces, I was struck by the thought: I don't have to accept this. I got up, and walked.

Did it occur to you that you may have been concussed? asks Not-Cousin-Overt.

Whoever heard of a pebble being concussed? says Baby Pierre. Besides, have you seen this?

He tips his head forward. Not-Cousin-Ouvert sees the Mark of the Claw.

Is that a bruise, or a tulip? asks Not-Cousin-Ouvert,.

It is now Baby Pierre starts to see a certain similarity.

Not regarding the tulip. Of course not.

But to Cousin Ouvert

I Could Post Him

What else did Gaius have to say for himself? asks David.

He was too busy looking for gobies to watch the Tour, says Katherine.

In other words, he's offended, says David.

Who is this Gaius? asks N F S Grundtvig.

A natural historian, says Vello. And a good domestique. But no philosopher.

He's as good a philosopher as you, says Katherine. And more practical. 

Thank you Katherine, says Vello. 

Have I usurped him? asks N F S Grundtvig? I had no idea.

Never mind, says David. We'll include him next year.

Roo-kai hops into the café.

Look! says Terence. We got the frogs back. Quiet-tartus exploded!

I nearly exploded, says Quiet-tartus. Instead I expelled the toadstone.

I know about that, says Roo-kai. 

Sit down, says David. Have a madeleine.

I don't normally eat madeleines, says Roo-kai. Do they serve molluscs?

I'll ask, says David.

He goes to the counter to ask.

I can't stay long, says Roo-kai.

Why not? asks Terence. 

I must find Baby Pierre, says Roo-kai. After what happened to the frog team, I fear for his safety.

Last seen where? asks Vello.

Walking down a country lane, says Roo-kai.

In which direction? asks Vello. 

North-west, says Roo-kai.

He'll be heading for the coast, says Katherine. 

Let's find him! says Terence. 

He'll be fine, says Quiet-tartus.

Fine, says the knowlesi. 

He doesn't have a bicycle, says Terence. 

That means he'll be travelling slowly, says Vello.

David comes back with half a dozen oysters.

Roo-kai gulps them down.

Thanks. Now I'm off to find Baby Pierre, says Roo-kai

Then what? asks Katherine. How will you post him back to Australia?

I'll bring him to you, says Roo-kai. You can  take him home in your luggage.

I'm leaving tomorrow, says Katherine.

So are we, says David.

I could post him, says N F S Grundtvig. 

Yay! says Terence. Can you post me as well?

I'm not leaving you behind, says Katherine.

Belle's here, says Terence. Doing the girls' race.

So she is! says Vello. This solves everything!

Maybe it does. 

The Far Reaching Squeeze

Squeeze him! cries Terence.

Quiet-tartus is looking distressed

What did Gaius say? asks Vello.

Squeeze him, says Katherine. It won't make him wise. It seems the story is mythical.

That was obvious, says Vello.

Guk-guk, says Quiet-tartus.

I'll squeeze you, says Terence.

No! says Katherine. 

I'm doing it, says Terence.

He presses down on Quiet-tartus's swollen stomach.

The toadstone pops out of Quiet-tartus's mouth with a thwop!

And coninues travelling, due to momentum.

Crash! It hits the windscreen of the taxi.

Merde! cries the taxi driver. Throwing stones in a taxi is forbidden!

Apologies, says Vello. Fortunately your windscreen is not broken. 

I could have been hit in the back of the neck, says the taxi driver. 

You could have died, says Sirene.

Exactement, says the taxi driver.

But the little crapaud would have died if Terence had not squeezed him, says Sirene.

The taxi driver scowls at Sirene in his rear vision mirror.

Who is she to compare his welfare with that of a frog?

We're nearly at our destination, says Katherine. Let us out here, if you like.

I do like, says the taxi driver. And it will cost extra.

It will not, says Vello.

The taxi stops. They get out. Vello pays the regular fare and no extra. They walk to the café where N F S and David are waiting. Terence is holding the frogs.

All is well, I see, says David. 

You don't know the half of it, says Vello. The frogs were being held in a cruel hospital, and no sooner had we assisted them to escape than this one here swallowed a toadstone thinking it would benefit him in some way but it caused him to swell alarmingly, so Katherine called Gaius...

....who was asleep, says Katherine. And Gaius suggested we squeeze him, after admitting that it was partly his fault.

How so? asks David.

He wrote about the power of the toadstone years ago, says Katherine, but he has since revised his opinion.

Better out than in, says N F S.

So we thought, says Vello, but Terence performed the squeezng operation, and nearly broke the windscreen of the taxi. We had to get out and walk the last few hundred metres.

Dear me, says David. You have had a time. 

Down You Up You

Etoile releases the frogs.

They hop out of bed.

Au revoir, visiteurs, says Etoile's mother.

She opens the front door, and lets everyone out.

Vello calls for a taxi.

One comes. They get in.

Well! says Katherine. What sort of hospital do you suppose that was?

A pretend one, says Quiet-tartus. 

Why were you strapped in? asks Vello.

We ate the other patients, says the knowlesi.

Aha! It all makes sense now.

Give them their present, says Sirene. It will make them forget their cruel treatment.

Here, says Terence.

Quiet-tartus takes the paper bag. 

He takes out a shiny dark toadstone. 

Here goes! says Quiet-tartus. He swallows the toadstone.

Gluurp!

Croakey! says the knowlesi. Why'd you do that?

It's what you're meant to do, says Quiet-tartus. It remains in your head, as a source of wisdom.

No way! says the knowlesi.

Are you sure of that? asks Katherine. It's more likely to sink to your stomach.

And lower, says Vello. Then you'll be in strife.

No, says Sirene. The jewel sits in the head of the toad as an antidote to poison.

But he isn't a toad, says Vello. And he wasn't born with it.

How else was I going to get it down me? asks Quiet-tartus.

Up you, says Terence.

This remark is unhelpful.

I know! says Katherine. I'll call Gaius.

She calls Gaius.

Gaius's phone rings. It's a long time before he answers.

Hello? says Gaius. Katherine?

What time is it there? asks Katherine.

Ten thirty, says Gaius. I was in bed.

Sorry, dear, says Katherine. We just have a quick question. What do you know about toadstones?

Toadstones? says Gaius. Now?

Yes now, says Katherine. Quiet-tartus has swallowed one.

Squeeze his belly, says Gaius. It may just pop out.

But he swallowed it on purpose as a source of wisdom and an antidote to poison, says Katherine. He thinks it will remain in his head.

It won't, says Gaius. Get it out of him. And tell him I'm sorry. This is partly my fault.

Why? asks Katherine.

I wrote of the toadstone, long ago, says Gaius. When scientific knowledge was sparse. We now know that its power is mythical.

Thanks Gaius, says Katherine.

How did Team Philosophe do? asks Gaius. 

Didn't you watch it? asks Katherine.

No, too busy looking for gobies, says Gaius. 

They did the best they could do, at their age, says Katherine.

Nice to  know, says Gaius. Well, if there's nothing else.....

Nothing else, says Katherine. Goodbye, Gaius.

The call ends

Gaius says........begins Katherine.

But it may be too late. 

Quiet-tartus is swelling.

They've Come For The Crapauds

They arrive at the address in Neuilly.

It looks not like a hospital, but a house.

On the front door is a cardboard sign, suspended by string, looped around a brass tack.

The sign reads: "Hopital pour animaux sauvages blessés".

This must be it, says Katherine.

This IS it, says Roo-kai.

Vello knocks on the door. A child opens.

Bonjour, says the child. Mais ce n'est pas the temps pour une visite.

Hello, says Sirene. We have come a long way for our froggies. Please don't send us away.

Froggies? says the child.

Crapauds, says Vello.

O, says the child, those rude crapauds. Will you take them away?

If they are better, says Katherine.

They are perfectly well, says the child. Come in and get them.

They follow her into a small room, set up like a ward.

There are rows of small cardboard box beds, with tissue paper covers.

In two of the boxes, side by side, lie Team Romeo-Knowlesi.

At last! cries Quiet-tartus.  

I've brought you a present, says Terence.

Are they your crapauds? asks the girl.

Yes, says Terence. They are my cycling team. They had a crash in the Tour de France. Didn't they tell you?

I did not believe them, says the girl. 

Terence pulls four little green wheels from his pockets.

Is that our present? asks the knowlesi.

No, says Terence. This is.

He opens the paper bag.

Will they recognise toadstones?

Haroo! cries Quiet-tartus. Toadstones!

What are they? asks the knowlesi.

They are magical stones, says Sirene. They are jewels, found inside the heads of toads.

Tosh! says Vello. They are undoubtedly fossils.

I knew that, says Quiet-tartus.

Which? asks the knowlesi.

Quiet-tartus has no time to answer.

A woman has come in.

Etoile! says the mother, who are these people?

They've come for the crapauds, says Etoile.

Bien, says the mother. Bonjour, nos visiteurs, but it is not time for a visit.

We are sorry, says Katherine. We'll take the frogs now, if they're better.

Alors, says the mother. Etoile take them out of their beds.

Yay! says Terence. 

It is only now that it becomes apparent the frogs are strapped in.

Where Is The Spirituality?

Katherine and Sirene return, empty-handed.

What's in the paper bag? asks Katherine.

Presents for the frog team, says Terence.

Where did you get them? asks Katherine.

SHE gave them to me, says Terence, pointing towards the assistant.

But the assistant has spotted a customer, and hurried away.

Very kind of her, says Katherine. What's in it?

Stones, says Terence. Or chocolates. 

Why do you say it like that? asks Sirene.

They look the same, says Terence.

Let me see, says Sirene.

Terence opens the bag at the top. She looks into it.

Ooh! Those are toadstones.

Surely not, says Katherine. Where would the assistant have got them?

Upstairs, says Terence. 

Well they won't be real ones, says Katherine.

They look like real ones, says Sirene. 

Katherine wonders how Sirene, a mermaid, would know.

Let's go to the hospital right now, says Terence.

We don't know where it is, says Katherine.

Roo-kai knows, says Terence.

But where is he? asks Katherine.

He might be outside, says Terence.

And he is.

It's not far, says Roo-kai. You can take the metro. Or catch a bus if you like. I'll meet you in Neuilly.

Very well, says Katherine. I suppose we'll need some sort of card.

Bumhole! says Terence. Can't we just walk there? My frogs might be dying.

No, says Katherine. I know! Sirene and I will borrow the Team Philosophe bicycles.

What fun! says Sirene. My first chance to use my legs properly.

What about me? asks Terence.

We'll work something out, says Katherine.

They return to the cafe, where Team Philosophe are still eating cakes.

May we borrow your bicycles, to go to the hospital? asks Katherine. 

Then how will we get about? asks Vello.

Taxi, says Katherine. 

Let's all go by taxi, says Vello. 

You go, says David. N F S and I will remain here and continue our debate.

A ridiculous debate, says Vello.

What is it about ? asks Katherine.

Are enlightenment ideas out of date? says Vello.

Not out of date, says N F S. Too rationalistic. Where is the spirituality?

You see what I'm up against, says David.

They leave them to it, and call a taxi.

Roo-kai gives the taxi driver directions. The taxi driver is not surprised to be given directions by an oystercatcher posing as a parrot.

This is Paris.

A Tiny Hospital

So he just vanished? says Vello.

Yes, says Roo-kai. Although I'm sure he'll be somewhere.

They are speaking of Baby Pierre.

(Baby Pierre, at this moment is walking down a French country lane. So Roo-kai is right. He is somewhere).

It was his fault, says Terence. 

What was? asks Katherine.

My frog team lost their good bike, says Terence.

It was Baby Pierre's bike, says David.

This is not helping anyone, says Sirene. You should go to visit your froggies.

YES! says Terence. We should visit them and bring them some presents.

Where are they? asks Katherine.

Neuilly, says Roo-kai. A tiny hospital. The only place I could find that would take injured wildlife.

Let's go, says Terence.

What about the presents? asks Katherine. Shall we go shopping?

Yes, says Terence.

I'll come too, says Sirene.

Too late Terence realises he is going shopping in Paris with two ladies.

See you men later, says Katherine.

Vello, David and N F S Grundtvig order their second espressos, and think about cake.

Katherine, Sirene and Terence walk down a Parisian boulevarde, lined with shops.

Let's go in here, says Sirene.

It's a shop selling clothing for ladies.

O yes! says Katherine. Theres a sale on.

FROGS! says Terence, as a hint that they have forgotten what they came for.

Soon, says Katherine. Look around the shop if you like, you might get some ideas.

Terence looks around.

But he gets no ideas. He sits down on the corner of a model stand.

Levez! Levez! says an assistant. N'asseyez là!

Terence looks blank. What is she saying?

Is there anything in this shop for frogs? asks Terence.

Frogs! cries the assistant, This is a boutique in Paris! There is nothing for frogs!

Good. She speaks English.

They're in hospital, says Terence. I don't even know what to buy them.

The attendant is softened. The poor infant. And where is his mother?

What has happened to your frogs? asks the assistant.

They crashed, says Terence. 

Desolé! says the assistant. Come with me. No, wait here. 

Terence waits, while the assistant goes off to another floor, and gathers some things frogs might like.

She comes back with a small paper bag.

Here, says the assistant. Give these to your frogs, and wish them a fast recovery.

Thanks, says Terence.

He waits, standing up, near the model stand, for Katherine and Sirene to come back.

Stage 21: Défense Arena to Paris - Guess What?

The final stage of the men's race.

And we already know that Vingegaard has won it.

Team Philosophe are pedalling in a leisurely fashion.

This stage is largely ceremonial, says Vello. 

I know that, says N F S Grundtvig. But should we not try?

Imagine if we upset the applecart, says David.

They laugh. As if that would happen.

Are you staying for the women's race, Grunty? asks Vello.

What women's race? asks N F S.

The one which is taking place as we speak, says Vello. 

The short answer is no, says N F S Grundtvig. I have promised to escort Sirene back to Copenhagen.

She may want to watch it, says David.

Do you want to watch it? asks N F S Grundtvig.

No, says David. Although I suppose that we ought to.

Do we know anyone who's in it? asks Vello.

Don't think so, says David,

Little do they know.

Paris. 

The final sprint is won by Jasper Philpsen. The crowds cheer.

Vingegaard is the overall Tour de France winner, with Pogacar second. Geraint Thomas is third, as he hoped.

Katherine is waiting at the finish with Terence.

Belle is here! says Katherine. 

You're joking! says Vello. What made her turn up at this stage?

She's in the women's race, says Katherine. 

I don't believe it, says Vello. Why didn't she tell us?

A last minute selection, says Katherine. She did very well on stage one. Finished somewhere in the middle. 

Guess what? says Terence.

No one guesses. Because they are thinking of Belle, coming somewhere in the middle.

But Terence had several 'whats' up his sleeve for the guessers.

All these things have happened:

1: Baby Pierre had a crash, colliding with a motor bike.

2: Team Romeo-Knowlesi had a crash moments later.

3: They were all lying on the road when down flew Roo-Kai, Terence's parrot

4: ....who had been deported by Victor for spying and finally arrived.

5: Roo-kai had picked up the injured frogs and taken them to a wildlife hospital on the outskirts of Paris.

6: Baby Pierre had declined to go with them.

7: When Roo-kai returned he was gone, leaving only his bike parts.

8: Terence has four green o-rings, in his pocket.

Roo-kai flutters down

Guess what? says Roo-kai.

Great! Everyone stops talking and listens.

Stage 20: Lacapelle to Rocamadour - Bruises

Today it's the time trials.

The riders ride down the chute, one by one.

Who shall we follow?

There is no one to talk to, so we'll just have to guess what they're thinking.

No. Let's not bother. We know what they're thinking.

Terence is at the start, watching with Katherine.

How did your team go yesterday, dear? asks Katherine.

I lost them, says Terence.

What bad luck, says Katherine. Why didn't you say?

I found them, says Terence.

Where had they been? asks Katherine, waving at David.

David waves back.

He looks peaky, thinks Katherine. And he's lost weight. That's a good thing.

In the sunflowers, says Terence. And guess what?

What? asks Katherine, giving a thumbs up to N F S Grundtvig, who is going down next.

They lost their bicycle, says Terence.

Lost it? says Katherine.

No, says Terence. They didn't lose it. 

You just said they did, says Katherine.

There goes Sweezus. He looks like a man who knows something.

They know where it is, says Terence.

I see, says Katherine. Where is it?

Under Baby Pierre, says Terence. He got it back.

In the sunflower field? asks Katherine. Was it a friendly exchange?

No, says Terence. My team got bruises.

That's what you get when you fight with a pebble, thinks Katherine.

Baby Pierre shoots down the chute, unannounced.

He is on his spare bicyle.

His water bottle is missing.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. My team kept the water bottle,

This sounds like cheating. 

Let's go away.

Sweezus does know something.

Two things in fact.

One: He has no chance of winning.

Two: Wout van Aert will win the time trial today. 

How does he know this? He heard N F S singing. 

O lord! How great thou Aert! 

Another misunderstanding.

Nonetheless, van Aert does come first.

Stage 19: Castelnau to Cahors - Why?

 Great! A flat stage. Some of the men are quite tired.

I am heartily tired of this Tour, says David, as he pushes up a hillock.

I am too, says Vello. The road here feels sticky.

Let us sing to keep up our spirits, says N F S Grundtvig.

Why not? says David.

They coast down a hill.

I thought this was supposed to be flat stage, says Vello.

On average, I suppose it is, says David. Come on, lift us up, Grunty!

Grunty sings. (The words pour out. He doesn't plan it).

O lord, we don't mean to complain, but if this is a flat stage, the French have deceived us again.

Ha ha, laughs Vello. That's capital! 

Team Philosphe pushes on, with renewed spirit.

Hear that? says Geraint Thomas who just happened to be passing.

Yeah, I did, says his Ineos team mate. Well, not all of it.

French, says Geraint Thomas. He's tipping a Frenchman today.

That rules you out, says his team mate.

But who? muses Geraint.

Yeah, who? muses his team mate.

Wout van Aert said he had bad legs today, says Geraint.

How do you know? asks the team mate.

Radio interview, says Geraint. He literally said it.

Oh yeah, (the penny drops for the team mate). They'll let Laporte go for it.

Come on, says Geraint, I don't want to lose my third place in the G C because we're nattering.

They zoom off rapidly, up the next hillock, determined.

Here comes someone we haven't seen for some time.

Baby Pierre.

He does not look tired, He has just been refreshed with salt water.

He zips into a field of sunflowers, just for the fun of it.

And zips out again.

He thinks of Sirene.

She has followed him all the way from Denmark, and he has never asked why.

Maybe he ought to.

But come on!

Let's see if Geraint is right. 

(not N F S Grundtvig, who was not predicting).

Would you believe it? 

Christophe Laporte of Team Jumbo-Visma is the winner. A French guy! 

The first one this tour.

Stage 18: Lourdes to Hautacam - Spiritual

After yesterday, Arthur has been delegated to speak to Sirene.

No more of that spit cake, says Arthur.

What was wrong with it? asks Sirene.

Nothing, it's just the name, says Arthur.

But you must know it is not cake made with spitting, says Sirene. 

We do, says Arthur. But when you're riding the Tour an idea like that makes you queasy.

O I am sorry, says Sirene. But today you will eat this.

She shows him three pots of garbure.

Looks good, says Arthur. 

He goes off to join the others.

Did you tell her? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says Arthur. 

The Tour starts in Lourdes today.

Lourdes. Just up your street, Grunty, says Vello.

Why so? asks N F S Grundtvig. I'm a Lutheran.

You sing hymns at the drop of a hat, says Vello.

I do have my spiritual inspirations, says N F S Grundtvig. I can't deny that.

Several riders are pushing their bikes past N F S rather slowly.

Hoping for a tip-off, says Vello.

What about? asks N F S Grundtvig.

Today's winner, says David. You tipped first and second yesterday.

But today, N F S does not feel quite so playful.

Today he feels spiritual.

O lord, you are here in Lourdes, looking down on the halt and the lame. O lord remember that you are the reason they came. O lord, please grant all Danish cyclists a bit of the same.

What the dickens? says Vello. A bit of the same, being what, the halt and the lame?

No, no, says N F S, I mean the looking down on

Why should they want looking down on? says Vello. 

A push from behind would be better, says David.

Grunty is miffed. He had been in earnest.

The slow-walking riders have melted away.

But they have heard enough. A Danish rider is the chosen one today.

This can only mean Vingegaard!

Okay, but let's see if they're right.  

They are! Not only does Vingegaard solo to victory in Hautacam, but before that, on the Col de Spandelles, he waited for Tadej, who had crashed. 

Stage 17: Saint-Gaudens to Peyragudes - Outcome

Word travels fast at the Tour.

Froomey has come up to Sweezus, and asked him.

Dunno, says Sweezus. 

But, says Froomey, he predicted yesterday's winner.

Yeah, but the day before he predicted van Aert, says Sweezus. And he only came second.

So he's warming up, says Froomey.

Could be, says Sweezus.  

Michael Matthews comes by.

That guy N F S, says Michael Matthews. Do you know him?

Yeah I know him, says Sweezus. He's kind of a weirdo.

What's his hot tip for today? asks Michael Matthews.

Didn't ask him, says Sweezus. Don't want to influence the outcome.

Froomey and Matthews agree. It might influence the outcome.

Sweezus heads across to Team Philosophe.

How's it going?

Better today, says Vello. That cassoulet didn't agree with us.

Us either, says Sweezus. What've you got today?

Millasson, says David. Katherine says it's a type of egg custard.

Should be good for the stomach, says Sweezus.

What has Sirene packed for you? asks N F S.

Maybe you know already, says Sweezus.

Why would I? asks N F S Grundtvig.

The rumours, Grunty, says Vello. The whole tour village thinks you have foreknowledge.

They may think what they like, says N F S Grundtvig.

Yeah? says Sweezus. So who'll win today?

N F S has no idea. But he feels playful.

Let me think, says N F S Grundtvig. Hmm. Jonas Vingegaard. Unless he comes second to that Tadej Pogacar.  As to what Sirene has put in your musettes today, let me say you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Sweezus goes off to join the others.

Vingo or Taddy, says Sweezus. 

He is near enough to Jonas Vingegaard and Tadej Pogacar for them both to hear him. 

Super! This is what they've been hoping.

The race starts. 

After 129.7 kilometres and three category 1 climbs the race ends.

And N F S is proved right. Jonas second, Tadej first, in a close one.

N F S 's reputation is sealed.

A fact known to few, however, is that Team Condor were not pleasantly surprised by what Sirene had put in their musettes.

Frênette and spit cake.

Stage 16: Carcassonne to Foix - Legend

First day in the Pyrenees. Will it be a bit cooler?

Sirene is filling Team Condor's musettes, watched by Viollet-le-Duc.

Why do you watch me? asks Sirene.

Your legs intrigue me, says Viollet-le-Duc.

My legs are perfectly normal, says Sirene.

I know that, says Viollet-le-Duc. I observed them yesterday.

As I was cutting the Mandarelle? asks Sirene.

Yes, says Viollet-le-Duc. But I couldn't help noticing in your arms a certain stiffness.

It is the bronze, says Sirene. Well, not the bronze exactly, but I have had many reparations. My arms have more than once been broken off by bad people.

I heartily sympathise, says Viollet-le-Duc. I know what it is like to mend valuable objects that are broken.

But not to be one of them, says Sirene.

No indeed, admits Viollet-le-Duc. 

He changes the subject.

What's that you're giving Team Condor?

Ice, says Sirene. There is also some tripous, which I bought in Rodez. 

Tripous! says Viollet-le Duc.

He is about to say that not everyone likes small bunches of sheep's tripe stuffed with sheep's feet, but decides ...no... it's too late now.

The race is starting. Sirene goes off with Katherine to the first feeding zone.

Viollet-le-Duc remains at the start.

Jonas Vingegaard cycles past him, looking like someone who has lost two of his best men.

Which he has. One is Primoz Roglic. The other is Steven Kruijswijk.

Tadej Pogacar passes, looking chirpy.

Team Philosophe approach, guts rumbling, from the cassoulet yesterday.

Who will win today, Grunty? asks Vello.

Who indeed? replies N F S Grundtvig. 

He is in no mood for future predicting today.

Viollet-le-Duc catches his answer, but thinks little of it.

Later, however when Houle wins in Foix, dedicating the win to his late brother, Viollet-le-Duc recalls the words of N F S Grundtvig (albeit wrongly).

Houle indeed.

It's how legends begin.

Rest Day: Carcassonne - Rose Window

Carcassonne. The Cité, below the ramparts.

Teams Philosophe and Condor are having a rest day picnic.

You'll enjoy this, says Katherine, after she has set up an umbrella, and spread a blue cloth on the grass.

Is the food chilled? asks Vello. This heat is unrelenting. 

Nonsense, says Katherine. It's one degree cooler today. And whoever heard of chilled cassoulet?

Cassoulet! says David. Wonderful! As long as the wine's chilled, a cassoulet will be just the ticket.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Is it the local version, with extra mutton?

It is, says Katherine. Pork, duck, white beans and extra mutton.

Sounds a bit heavy, says N F S Grundtvig.

Try it, says Katherine.

She slops spoonfuls of warm cassoulet into thin cardboard bowls.

Spoons? asks N F S Grundtvig.

Here, says Sirene. A spoon for you, and one for you, Arthur.

Thank you, Sirene, says N F S Grundtvig.

Thanks, says Arthur.

Everyone tries the cassoulet, except Terence.

Can I go and explore? asks Terence. This is boring.

Okay, but don't go too far, says Sweezus.

Terence goes off, to explore the medieval castle, which is full of sweaty tourists.

He climbs up to the crenellations, and looks down at the picnic.

Actually, at the umbrella.

Under the umbrella, David is telling the others how N F S nearly picked yesterday's winner.

Wout van Aert came second! says David.

That was close, says Arthur.

N F S looks modest.

More wine? asks Katherine. A nice Minervois? Then I'll bring out the chocolates.

Terence hears none of this.

A man has come up behind him. He is dressed in old-fashioned clothes.

Bonjour, l'enfant, says the man. 

Hola, says Terence. 

You must be Terence, says the man.

I know, says Terence.

I am Viollet-le-Duc, says the man.

A duck? says Terence.

Not a duck, says Viollet-le-Duc. I am the person who restored this medieval castle.

Where did you store it? asks Terence.

The conversation continues in this vein.

Under the umbrella below, Katherine has produced citrons de Sicile, coated in chocolate.

Sirene takes out a Mandarelle de Rodez. The top of the cake represents the rose window of the Rodez cathedral. Very pretty.

Pablo takes a large slice.

Terence returns, with the man.

This is Violet-Duck, says Terence.

Everyone laughs, because they know him.

Viollet-le-Duc eats a citron, licks his fingers, and looks with an architect's eye at the cake.

Even with Pablo's chunk missing, he can appreciate the delicate rose window.

Stage 15: Rodez to Carcassonne - Blazing Blue

A hot day. As we know.

Baby Pierre asks Sirene if she's packed enough water.

O yes, says Sirene. Extra salty.

I'm not sure that extra salt helps, says Baby Pierre.

It will make you more buoyant, says Sirene.

That will only work if.....begins Baby Pierre.

He spots Team Romeo-Knowlesi, on his spare bike. The two rascals!

He takes off, to try and reclaim it.

Arthur rolls up to Sirene.

Arthur, says Sirene, would you like some freshly salted water? 

No thanks, says Arthur.

This old cheese? asks Sirene. 

We've got old cheese, says Arthur. 

How about some miel de Lozère? says Sirene.

It's in a small pot. Arthur takes it.

Team Philosophe is just behind Arthur. 

What do you think she gave Arthur? asks David.

Could be anything, says Vello. She's a queer fish.

Ha ha, laughs David.

Her heart is pure, sings N F S Grundtvig. O lord, her heart is pure, she offers a honeypot to her beloved.....

Is Arthur her beloved? asks Vello. 

I very much doubt it, says David. 

I sing what I see, says  N F S Grundtvig. And sometimes what I don't see. For instance, I know it was honey.

He gazes up at the blazing blue heavens.

He sings: O lord grant us the sweetness of honey as we ride through this flat stage in the heat which you have sent down to test us......

Sent down? says Vello

Honey? says David.

I can't help myself, says N F S Grundtvig,

But you see things? says Vello.

Sometimes, says N F S Grundtvig.

Who will win today? asks Vello.

That man, says N F S, pointing.

He indicates Wout van Aert.

Well let's see then. Fast forward to the finish.

Whew. Forty degrees in Carcassonne.

Here come the sprinters.

A lot of them.

Benjamin Thomas is passed. 

Now it's between Mads Pedersen, Wout van Aert and Jasper Philipsen.

Only metres to go.

Has N F S Grundtvig future seeing ability?

Almost, but no.

Philipsen wins by a whisker. Wout is second.

Not bad, N F S. And he was right about the honey.

Stage 14: Saint Etienne to Mende - Holes

Today is a hilly stage.

The teams roll out from Saint Etienne.

Is Caleb still in it?

Yes. But we won't follow him.

There goes Michael Matthews.

Let's follow him.

Ah, but wait, here is Team Philosophe, what are they saying?

David: Today we have bugnes, to nibble on.

N F S: What are they?

David: French donuts, with legs.

Vello: Legs?

David: Yes, mother bought them early this morning. 

N F S: Donuts with legs. Where are the legs in relation to the holes in these donuts?

David: There are no holes. These are the French ones.

Vello: So, simply donut legs, fried.

David: I imagine so, yes. With a light sprinkling of icing sugar.

N F S (reaching into his back pocket to pull out a bugne): Ha ha! Yes, two fat little legs joined together.

You may be wondering why he doesn't know what bugnes look like if he has one in his back pocket.

Answer: Katherine put it there.

Sweezus and Pablo sail past.

Sweezus: I smell donuts. Who's got them?

Pablo: So do I. I think it was N F S Grundtvig.

Sweezus: Funny guy. He makes up hymns on the spur of the moment.

Pablo: I was talking to him last night. He says he's a skjald.

Sweezus: They don't write hymns.

Pablo: He's also into Norse mytholgy. He wrote a book on it.

Sweezus: I heard he was made a bishop.

Pablo: Could be. He didn't say.

But aren't we following Michael Matthews?

There he is, in a breakway.

He is thinking that if he wins today, he will dedicate the win to his four year old daughter.

Then she will understand why daddy is so often away.

Riding bicycles up mountains and down again.

Knocking himself out every day.

It's the final climb, up the Croix-Neuve.

It's Matthews, Bettiol and Pinot.

Matthews is in front.

Bettiol attacks.

Matthews attacks again. 

Winning.

Lucky daughter!

Stage 13: Le Bourg to Saint Etienne - Destiny

Today is a flat day, and good for the sprinters.

But today will be bad luck for one.

What's for snacks? asks Team Romeo-Knowlesi, before they get going.

Cabbage pie leftovers, says Terence.

We don't know if we like that, says Quiet-Tartus.

It made Sweezus go really fast yesterday, says Terence. He said so.

(Though, to be honest, he did not say why).

Okay, says Quiet-Tartus, that's a reason. We'll try it.

Hurry! says Terence. Baby Pierre's comng.

The frog team speeds off on Baby Pierre's spare bicycle.

Why didn't you stop them? cries Baby Pierre.

I'm on their side, says Terence. And today they'll be even faster!

Why? shouts Baby Pierre over his shoulder.

Cabbage pie! shouts Terence.

Did Baby Pierre hear that, or is he already too far away?

Baby Pierre catches up to the breakaway, shooting under the wheel of Caleb Ewan.

I'm feeling more confident today, Caleb is saying.

Yeah, says his Lotto-Soudal team mate. You made it through yesterday. That was massive.

I'm f.... says Caleb Ewan, clipping the wheel of the rider in front of him.

Crash! Arghh! Oh no. Bad luck Caleb Ewan!

Was that destined to happen? 

Or what? 

But one man's bad luck is another man's... something. Or nothing, if the other man is already way up ahead.

The other man is Mads Pedersen, who is now attacking, 12.5 k from the finish.

Go him. Perhaps he will solo to victory.

But no. Houle and Wright have followed. 

Mads must sprint to the finish. Which he does.

And what happened to Team Romeo-Knowlesi, should you be wondering?

Did they benefit from the cabbage?

Yes and no. They were still blowing bubbles as an after-effect of the dried mealworms. But the cabbage pie gave them a gas-powered forward momentum.

In fact, they reached Saint Etienne well before any other riders.

Bad luck no one paid any attention.

Stage 12: Briançon to Alpe d'Huez - Ring O Bells

As if yesterday was not hard enough, there are three hors catégorie climbs today.

Let's get going.

Vingegaard is in yellow.

Pogacar in white (best young rider).

The teams ride out of Briançon.

Team Philosophe are near the back, talking as usual.

Vello: You look cheerful this morning.

N F S: I am cheerful. Vingegaard is a Dane.

David: So, is it hymn time?

N F S: Why not? O Lord, thy colour is yellow! Yellow the colour of gold! Give me excess of it that I might...

Vello: Sounds highly disrepectful.

N F S: When the spirit takes me, I know not what might come out.

David: Written a lot of hymns, have you?

N F S: Thousands. At one time I served as chaplain in a home for aged women. 

Vello: Not much else to do, I suppose?

N F S: True. But they did enjoy singing. Especially the deaf ones. They loved Ring O Bells.

Vello: Give us a chorus.

N F S (singing in Danish): Kimer I Klokker!

Let us slip away......

Further up the road, we draw level with Team Condor.

Pablo: Seen Sirene this morning?

Sweezus : Yeah, she took off yesterday with that guy Brahimi. He biked her up to his café. 

Arthur: Explains why we missed out on the cheese.

Sweezus: She reckons there's a shitload of cheese in our musettes today.

Pablo: That should be sustaining.

Sweezus: And a cabbage pie she's kind of proud of.

Team Condor contemplates cabbage pie.

Where are we now? On the last downhill.

Tom Pidcock of Team Ineos is zooming down it.

Cutting corners, dipping and swerving.

Now to climb Alpe d'Huez.

Pidcock drops Powless and Metjes.

He's already dropped Froome.

Froome? Who knew Froomey was back in contention?

Back from his injuries and encroaching old age.

He will come third, a good effort.

Mentjes will come second.

Pidcock will win the stage, (although it's Bastille Day, and he is not French, a great pity).

Stage 11: Albertville to Col du Granon - Yellow

A tough day in the mountains, the final two climbs being hors catégorie.

Which, as we know, means: worse than horrible.

Sirene has packed Team Condor's musettes full of glaçons de Megève.

They're at the start now, unaware they'll be fuelled only by pralines encased in meringue.

Bang.

The race starts.

Any idea what Sirene packed? asks Sweezus.

Perhaps we should have asked, says Pablo.

Geraint Thomas passes them, smirking.

What's he smirking about? asks Sweezus.

Probably the bubbles, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. That was bad luck, but kind of funny.

Terence didn't think so, says Pablo. He thought the mealworms had dried.

They had dried, says Sweezus. 

So why the bubbles? asks Pablo.

Washing powder, says Sweezus. I couldn't find any liquid, so I had to use powder. The dried mealworms were full of little white soap balls. 

I understand, says Pablo. So when the frogs ate the dried mealworms they blew bubbles.

Not straight away, says Sweezus.

Tadej Pogacar speeds past them.

He too may have been grinning. 

Team Condor ups the pace too. It's not far to the first feed zone.

They collect their musettes from Sirene.

Chocolates! says Pablo. They will not be sufficient!

I am sorry! cries Sirene. I will try to quickly buy cheese!

She grabs a ride on the back of a motor cycle.

The rider is surprised, but keeps going.

Unfortunately, Sirene is not seen for the rest of the day.

And no cheese is forthcoming.

Nevertheless the glaçons are not a bad fuel.

Team Condor is now nearing the summit of the Col du Granon.

Puh-huh-uhu-uh-huh. That's what it feels like.

Pogacar is flagging. Will he lose the yellow jersey?

Nairo Quintana is powering onward and upward, so is Jonas Vingegaard.

The Col is a high one, at 2413 metres.

You might think that Nairo Quintana should win it, because he is there.

Or Romain Bardet, because he too is in the picture

It doesn't matter.

Today is the day for Jonas Vingegaard, who'll wear yellow tomorrow.

Stage 10: Morzine to Megève - Order

A new day. Sunny and warm.

Terence has his shorts back.

They have really stiff pockets.

He stands at the start in Morzine, with his team.

How come we weren't invited to yesterday's picnic? asks Quiet-Tartus.

Underpants, says Terence.

Quiet-Tartus grins at the knowlesi.

We know, says Quiet-Tartus. We spied.

The grown-ups were singing, says Terence. O lord thy bounty made David the winner la la.

We heard, says the knowlesi. That was bollocks.

That's another reason I didn't invite you, says Terence. Or I wouldn't have if I knew. 

Thanks a lot, says the knowlesi. Have we got dried mealworms today?

They got washed, says Terence. In my shorts. And they're still in the pockets. But I think that they've dried.

THOSE pockets! says Quiet-Tartus.

Yes, says Terence. Want to try some?

He reaches into a pocket and breaks off a chunk of dried mealworm.

Quiet-Tartus tries it.

Crunch crunch. Huuh.

What are the white bits?

But it's time for the start. Off they go.

We have wasted so much time on the mealworms, that now we must fast forward to 36 kilometres from the finish.

Or 36 and a half, even better

Team Philosphe are rolling along in the middle of the peloton, discussing Grunty's hymn.

You made it seem as though David had won, says Vello. 

You can't praise the lord for inspiring a man to come second, says N F S Grundtvig.

I didn't even come second, says David.

But then....

The race has been stopped for some reason.

What is this chaos? Protesters on the road! Chained together.

Protesting about Mont Blanc's environment.

They are dragged off at last, and the race is resumed.

Bettiol who was in the lead before, is allowed to go first.

Then the chasers, after twenty five seconds, then the peloton, about seven minutes later.

The race continues as before.

Chasers come and go, Bettiol is passed and attacks again.

But to no avail....

Nick Schultz looks like winning it from Magnus Cort! No he doesn't.

Yes he does!

A photo finish!

No.

He doesn't.

Rest Day: Morzine Portes de Soleil - Improv

Team Philosophe and Team Condor are picnicking, in a grassy meadow.

Katherine has brought provisions, in a basket. Fish from Lake Geneva, apple Matafan.

Sirene has spread out a cloth. Terence is helping.

Nice shorts, says Vello. What are they? Someone's underpants?

Yes, says Terence. I had to take my shorts off.

Yeah, says Sweezus, I washed them. 

Good, says Katherine. Did you take out the mealworms?

What mealworms? asks Sweezus.

Never mind, says Katherine. Who'd like a glass of Chasselas?

Me, please, says Pablo.

Me too, says David, and what's in this pastry? What are the lumps?

Ask Sirene, says Katherine. She bought it.

O yes, says Sirene. In Lausanne. It's called taillé aux greubons.

Groo-bons, says Terence.

But what are they? asks David.

I don't know, says Sirene. But it looked like a protein.

Vello googles the greubons.

A crackling product, residue from rendering lard.

Lard, says David. I say! Try it, Arthur.

Arthur tries it. He's had several glasses of Chasselas, so it doesn't taste bad.

What's the fish? asks N F S Grundtvig.

Perch fillets from Lake Geneva, says Katherine. They'll go well with these potato fritters.

Vello tries the perch and potato fritters. 

Very nice, Katherine.

Sirene opens a fifth bottle of Chasselas.

How well we are doing! says N F S Grundtvig, leaning back happily. 

We are, says David. Did you see me yesterday? Almost caught up with Bob Jungels.

It was thanks to the whizzed leeks and sausage, says Katherine.

It was not, says Vello. I had mine. Nothing happened.

What about you, N F S ? asks Pablo. What effects did you notice?

I was inspired in a spiritual way, says N F S Grundtvig. A new hymn came to me.

Vello is delighted. A hymn!

Sing it, Grunty!

N F S burps loudly, and sings.

O lord your bounty is boundless

For in our hour of need

Came your divine inspiration.

Whizzing David into the lead.

Everyone agrees this is not a bad hymn, for an improv.

Stage 9: Aigle to Châtel - Whizzer

Yesterday, Terence went missing.

He had followed the small clown to the insect factory.

They had crept in past security and filled their pockets with mealworms.

By the time they returned, the race had left Dole.

Terence had been disappointed. How was he to deliver the mealworms to his team?

How was he to get anywhere, come to think of it?

Luckily the small clown had a dad.

So here is Terence, today, at the first feed zone after Aigle, with Katherine, mealworms at the ready.

What's in your pockets? asks Katherine. They're moving.

Food for my team, says Terence. 

You seem to have a lot of it, says Katherine.

They're not getting all of it today, says Terence.

Did you have those shorts on all last night? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Terence. Why?

Just asking, says Katherine. Sweezus will be doing a wash tomorrow, you could throw them in. 

Sweezus pedals by, with a feed bag he has picked up from Sirene.

Behind him wafts the faint smell of tuna.

Team Philosophe rolls up in a threesome.

What do we have today? asks Vello.

Papet vaudois, says Katherine. Don't worry, it's been whizzed up.

Mother! says David. You haven't whizzed up the papet vaudois?

Easier to digest it, says Katherine. And you have two category one climbs today.

What is papet vaudois? asks N F S Grundtvig.

Sausage and leek, says David. Whoever would think of whizzing a sausage?

You'll thank me, later, says Katherine. Now go!

Team Romeo-Knowlesi stops in front of Terence.

Hello team, says Terence. Sorry about yesterday.

We had nothing, says the knowlesi.

But look! says Terence, pulling wriggling mealworms from his pockets.

Urkk! Shouldn't they be dried? croaks Quiet-Tartus.

Terence doesn't know if they should be.

They will be tomorrow, says Terence. But these ones are fresh ones.

Team Romeo-Knowlesi has no choice but to chew on the fresh mealworms.

Ptuh-ptuh. Hmm. Not bad.

Up ahead David is opening his container of whizzed leek and sausage. And drinking it down.

Vello and N F S have not opened theirs yet.

David has shot forward. 

Is he thinking of joining the breakaway?

Not he. But he is eventually close enough to see the back of Thibaut Pinot labouring valiantly after Bob Jungels.

And Thibaut being passed in the final kilometre of the climb up Pas de Morgins by Jonathan Castroviejo and Carlos Verona.

And Bob Jungels winning.

And Thibaut looking dejected.

Stage 8: Dole to Lausanne - Work It Out

A fine day in Dole.

A brass band is playing. 

Terence waits for Stage 8 to begin.

Team Romeo-Knowlesi is on the lookout for Baby Pierre, who wants his spare bike back.

Just keep ahead of him, says Terence. 

That takes a greal deal of energy, says Quiet-Tartus. What's in our sandwiches?

Flies, says Terence.

Not again, says the knowlesi.

A short clown looms up behind Terence. 

It wears a wax mask and plumed hat.

They make pet protein here, out of insects, says the short clown.

What kind of insects? asks Terence.

Meal worms, says the short clown.

Get us some, says Quiet-Tartus. And give them to us at the first feed zone.

Okay, says Terence. Now go! Baby Pierre is coming!

Team Romeo-Knowlesi goes, feeling encouraged.

What are you doing here? asks Terence.

Watching, says the short clown. Come with me. I'll take you to Ynsect.

Terence would not normally go off with a clown, but this is a short one. A kid probably. So he follows

Bang! The race begins.

Pedal pedal.....

At nine kilometres, a crash.

Bad luck for some. Two departures.

Pedal pedal...

Team Romeo-Knowlesi passes the first feed zone.

Terence is not present. No protein bio-mass is forthcoming

Katherine is there, with Morteau sausage for Team Philosophe. And Sirene, with Comté and Morbier cheeses.

At last the teams enter Switzerland, heading for the hill finish in Lausanne.

Pedal pedal...

Yes, it is always like that.

But has anyone eaten insects?

Not this time.

So it's down to the sprint at the end.

Pogacar and van Aert are right behind Michael Matthews.

Will it be him?

No.

Will it be Pogacar, completing a hat trick?

No.

Who then?

You work it out

Stage 7: Tomblaine to Belles Filles - Affinity

A mountain stage. 

Sweezus has hopes of being King of the Mountain.

He has sensibly eaten several eggs for his breakcfast.

So have Arthur and Pablo.

And what's in the musettes? asks Sweezus.

I'll ask Sirene, says Arthur.

Sirene is talking to Terence, before the race starts.

She is offering him a beautiful plum.

Terence doesn't want it.

Hey, says Arthur. What's in our musettes today?

Beautiful mirabelle plums, says Sirene. And bergamot oranges. You will love these. They will make you more speedy.

Can I have one? asks Terence.

You said you didn't want one, says Sirene.

I do now, says Terence.

She gives him a plum and an orange.

Any protein? asks Arthur.

O yes, says Sirene. Three tins of tuna.

How are we supposed to eat them? asks Arthur.

They are already open, says Sirene.

We thought you might not choose fish, says Arthur.

Why is that? asks Sirene.

We thought you might have an affinity, says Arthur.

Ha ha, laughs Sirene. An affinity!

She pats him on the shoulder.

Good luck for today.

Bang ! The race starts. 

For a long time nothing interesting happens, bar the pedalling.

A couple of Category three climbs are coming up, before the big finish at the summit of Super Planche des Belles Filles.

Let us stand near the finish and watch.

Here comes Lennard Kämna, on his own.

Here comes Sweezus, leaving an oily trail of tuna behind him.

Here comes Baby Pierre on his tiny bicycle. 

Woosh! He slides on the tuna oil. He is out of contention.

Here comes another tiny bicycle, which seems to be ridden by a plum.

But the plum has four frog legs, so we can be confident this is team Romeo-Knowlesi.

Woosh! They slide on the oil from the tuna.

Here comes Jonas Vingegaard, closely folowed by Tadej Pogacar.

They are super vigilant, and avoid the all tuna oil patches.

Zoom. Zoom. Pogacar and Vingegaard pass Kämna, who is knackered.

Who will be the winner?

Not Sweezus. Perhaps he didn't eat all the tuna. 

Pogacar passes Vingegaard in the final moments. 

And so Pogacar triumphs.

Again.

Stage 6: Binche to Longwy - Mothers

Another hilly stage. But no cobbles.

Tadej Pogacar has decided to win (and he does).

To be fair, so have many others (but they don't).

The teams exit Binche, a Belgian town famous for weird clowns wearing wax masks and ostrich plumed hats.

The weird clowns have looked forward to this day, as the Binche festival this year was cancelled.

Some of them are on the footpath, doing weird dances. Others are carrying baskets of oranges.

The police keep a watch to make sure they don't throw them at the riders.

See those weird clowns? says Sweezus.

I did, says Pablo. Won't they frighten Terence?

Nah, says Sweezus. Terence is way down the road at the feed zone.

Arthur is eating an orange.

Where'd you get that? asks Sweezus.

From a clown, says Arthur.

Wout van Aert shoots by.

Look at him, says Pablo. He is not giving up his yellow jersey easily.

Did he have an orange? asks Sweezus.

Didn't look like it, says Arthur. Want a suck of mine?

Sweezus accepts a suck of Arthur's orange.

What did Sirene pack today? asks Sweezus. 

I don't know, says Pablo, but I did mention that we need to have protein.

Great, says Sweezus. What do you reckon a mermaid would think of as protein?

Fish, says Arthur.

Maybe not fish, says Pablo. Think about it.

They think about it.

Maybe not fish.

A little further up the road Team Philosophe is nibbling on Power bars, and chatting.

Do you think of yourself more as a sprinter? asks Vello.

No, says N F S. I think of mysef as an all rounder. Somehat like young Tadej. Why do you ask?

Because you have done little so far, says Vello.

To be fair, says David. Neither have we.

True, says Vello. But new blood was what we wanted.

I shall make my move when the time feels right, says N F S Grundtvig. 

Aha! says Vello. So your decisions are not purely rational.

Are yours? asks N F S.

Not always, says David.

Speak for yourself, says Vello.

I was, says David. I must say sometimes the time does feel right. I would not be surprised to see Arthur doing something spectacular today.

Why is that? asks Vello.

We will be going through Charleville-Mézières, his birth place, says David. Perhaps his dear mother will be standing at the roadside.

Phfft! snorts Vello. That would certainly put the wind up young Arthur. I'm sure that his mother died years ago.

Ha ha! laughs N F S Grundtvig, before checking himself.

And he was not fond of his mother, says Vello. He called her the Mouth of Darkness.

That doesn't mean he was not fond of her, says N F S Grundtvig.

If you say so, says Vello. 

They ride on, chewing thoughtfully, thinking of their respective mothers.

At least Katherine is still alive and kicking. They reach the first feed zone.

Katherine hands them musettes full of warm buckwheat pancakes.

Stage 5: Lille to Arenburg - Lack of Snack

No one is looking forward to the cobbles.

Some riders are pretending they are.

Bring it on, say one or two of them.

But who can believe them?

Pablo has talked to Sirene, before the race started.

What's in our feedbags today? he has asked.

Lovely things, she has replied.  

Not too sugary I hope? he has responded.

Sugar gives you a great burst of energy, she has smiled. 

That is so, Pablo has answered, but we need protein also.

What is protein? Sirene has looked puzzled.

Pablo had to go then, because the race was just starting, but now he holds little hope of Team Condor triumphing today.

Later, as the teams reach the cobbles, Sweezus feels hungry.

He reaches into his ovoid back pocket, where he has shoved something sticky.

O yum! A marmalade croqueline! 

Bump! He hits the first cobble.

He drops the marmalade croqueline.

Bugger! And he can't stop now, can he?

Pablo and Arthur are not far behind him, watching his back.

They are in a position to see what happens next.

The marmalade croqueline lies inert, between two real cobbles.

Being orange, it looks like a third cobble.

Several riders flatten it. Sweeeersh!

Baby Pierre, who has mapped his way, in his head, between the cobbles, is confounded.

Pluh! He hits the pastry, and falls off his bike.

The two riders of team Romeo-Knowlesi stop behind him.

Give me that bike, cries Baby Pierre. It's mine anyway!

Will they or won't they?

Arthur and Pablo have passed the marmalade carnage by now, so we do not know.

They pass Vingegaard, who has just had a puncture, and Wout van Aert, who has heroically stopped to support him.

They pass Sweezus, who is flagging because of the lack of the snack.

But it is minutes (at least) before they get to the finish and find out that Simon Clarke has won the stage, for Team Israel Premier Tech. An Aussie!

Top job, Clarkey!

Stage 4: Dunkerque to Calais - Furious

Stage four.

The first one in France.

There are six hills to climb before the finish.

Magnus Cort is determined to keep his polkadot jersey.

Wout van Aert is determined to win, in the yellow.

Let's see how it goes.

Magnus Cort is in a breakaway with Anthony Perez.

We are way ahead of everyone else, says Magnus Cort, over his shoulder.

I know, says Anthony Perez. Let's keep going.

Can you believe this is all they are saying!

Let us slip back to the peloton where there may be more interesting conversations.

Team Philosophe have just picked up their musettes from Katherine.

They rummage inside.

What is this? cries Vello. It feels like jelly!

It must be the potjevleesch, says David. She did say we could slurp it.

I've got it! says N F S. No I haven't! It slipped out of my hands.

Have you lost it? asks Vello, licking his fingers.

No, it is at the bottom of my musette, in jelly-like pieces! says N F S. 

Calm down, says David. Pick up the jelly-like pieces one by one.

N F S picks up a jelly-like piece with his fingers.

It's hard to concentrate on two things at once, but he does it.

Christophe Laporte comes up behind.

Do I smell potch?

Is that what they call it? says Vello. What does it consist of?

Pork, chicken and veal in jelly, says Christophe. Funny food you've been given. Who's your soigneuse?

My mother, says David.

Desolé, says Christophe. Mothers always know best.

He speeds off (in order to come third, some time later).

Well, that was a more interesting conversation.

Let's move on.

Sweezus is eating a pastry flavoured with coffee and chicory.

This is more like it, says Sweezus. No salt.

Want to try for King of the Mountain? asks Arthur.

Maybe the last one, says Sweezus. What is it?

Cote du Cap Blanc-Nez, says Arthur.

I'll decide later, says Sweezus. 

Hey! says Pablo, are you losing your passion for winning? Have you consumed too much sugar? How many pastries have you eaten?

About six, says Sweezus.

Pablo determines to speak to Sirene.

Too much salt, now too much sugar. What is she thinking?

Below them two frogs on a tiny bicycle speed by, pursued by a furious Baby Pierre.

If they are saying anything, we can't hear it.

Up at the front, Jasper Philipsen fulfils his dream of winning, momentarily.

He has not realised that Wout van Aert has crossed the finish line already.

Transfer Day - Saltwater Person

The teams have been flown to Dunkerque.

From now on they'll be cycling through France, as is proper.

Team Condor and Team Philosophe are in a café, eating waffles.

Katherine is there too, and Sirene, and Terence.

They are discussing the feeding arrangements.

No offence, Sirene, says Sweezus, but too much salt makes us dehydrated.

Sorry, says Sirene. I'm a salt water person.

And it did not help, the salt water you gave us, says Pablo.

I didn't mind it, says Arthur.

Sirene smiles at Arthur.

Those sausages yesterday were quite tasty, says N F S Grundtvig.

Yeah, sausages, says Sweezus. Maybe put something like them in the sandwiches.

I do not know any French sausages, says Sirene.

A sausage is a sausage, says David.

There are many types of sausage, says N F S Grundtvig.

Can we stop talking about sausages, says Terence. 

Certainly, says Vello. What would you like to talk about?

She's got a tail! says Terence.

I haven't, says Sirene, tucking her feet under her long flowing skirt.

I saw it, says Terence.

I don't have it now, says Sirene.

My goodness! says Katherine. Did you have one at some point?

Well, yes, says Sirene. I'm not ashamed of it. But on land I need legs and feet.

Just like den Lille Havfrue! says N F S Grundtvig.

I am den Lille Havefrue, says Sirene. 

Which is? asks Vello. 

The Little Mermaid, says N F S Grundtvig. That explains all the salt she put in Team Condor's sandwich.

Cool, says Sweezus. But we do need less of it.

I am willing to learn, says Sirene. But my boyfriend likes it.

Baby Pierre, says Terence. Where is he?

He is chasing the frogs, says Sirene. He wants his spare bike back. 

NO! cries Terence. He can't have it.

That's between him and them, says Katherine. So anyway, what would you like in your musettes for tomorrow? It's a hilly stage.

Something sustaining, says Vello.

How about potjevleesch? asks Katherine. I saw it in a local market. It looked substantial but easy to digest. By the look of the texture, I believe you could slurp it.

Sounds perfect, says Vello.

What would you like? asks Sirene. looking at Arthur.

Same, says Arthur.

She smiles at Arthur again. 

He seems like such a nice person.

Stage 3: Vejle to Sonderborg - Ring-riders

Another fine day, in Denmark.

The teams roll out of Vejle.

Team Condor are riding together.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Today you guys need to support me.

We always support you, says Pablo. 

Not yesterday, says Sweezus. I thought I was cactus, before the end. At least you guys got those sandwiches.

But you know what was in them, says Pablo.

It's still protein, says Sweezus. Don't you reckon?

Dead flies, says Arthur. I've had worse. But I was glad they were tiny.

The flies weren't that tiny, says Pablo.

The sandwiches, says Arthur. They were tiny.

We'll be okay today, says Pablo. Thanks to Baby Pierre's girlfriend.

Baby Pierre's girlfriend! He said he didn't have one!

Let's investigate.

Katherine is waiting at the feeding station, with Terence and a pretty young lady, in a long flowing skirt.

I'n so happy to have met you, says the pretty young lady. 

Likewise, Sirene, says Katherine. And it was kind of you to make up musettes for the boys.

O yes, says Sirene. I had plenty of time to do it, as my boyfriend Baby Pierre only wants water.

If only Team Philosophe merely wanted water, says Katherine. I had all sorts of bother. In the end I bought these funny Danish sausages.

Let me see, says Sirene. O these are our famous Ring-riders!

Dear me, are they? says Katherine. I hope that doesn't mean what it sounds like.

No, no, it doesn't, says Sirene. It's to do with horse riding.

I've got a horse, says Terence. Well I havent,  but I've got a toy one. Except I haven't, because I lost it. 

I see, says Sirene. What a lovely story!

Team Condor rides up and slows down to take their musettes from Sirene.

Tak, says Sweezus. Tak, Sirene, says Pablo. Thanks, says Arthur.

Sirene smiles at Arthur.

I hope you like salt, murmurs Sirene.

Team Philosophe trundles by, each grabbing a musette from Katherine.

Ring-rider sausages! shout Katherine, introducing a frisson of fear in the members.

But once again we are forgetting what's important.

Which is.

Who will win this?

Let us fast forward to the finish. Is it Peter Sagan? No, he has come fourth.

Is it Jasper Philipsen? No, he has come third.

Is it Wout van Aert? Surely it is? No, he has come second.

It is Dylan Groenewegen. 

Well, he deserves it.

Stage 2: Roskilde to Nyborg - Thrilling

A fine day. The sun is shining.

The teams pedal through green countryside passsing occasional houses.

You would swear it was France. 

No wait, that castle looks different! 

So much for the ambience.

Terence is waitng at the first food station with Katherine.

I'm not sure about these sandwiches, says Katherine. 

Me too, says Terence. Why?

How will they unwrap them? says Katherine.

I didn't wrap them, says Terence.

What? says Katherine. 

The frogs' ones, says Terence, and Baby Pierre's.

You made them sandwiches? asks Katherine. The frogs aren't even in it.

They are, says Terence. Baby Pierre had a spare bike and my frogs are on it.

Are they part of his team? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence. Baby Pierre didn't want them. And guess what?

What? says Katherine.

The first riders are approaching. She needs to be ready.

Baby Pierre has a girlfriend, says Terence. 

Katherine spots Sweezus, who has positioned himself near the front of the peloton.

And Sweezus spots Katherine.

He reaches out for a musette but Katherine withdraws it.

Not for you, says Katherine. These are only for N F S, David and Vello.

Uh? says Sweezus. What about us?

Katherine's answer floats on the slipstream behind him.

He hasn't got any food now, says Terence. 

That's his problem, says Katherine.

A flash! a breeze! a zoom! a wheelie! and Baby Pierre stops.

Here, says Terence. It's a sandwich.

I only need drinks, says Baby Pierre. Have you got one?

No, says Terence. Ask your girlfriend.

She's not my girfriend, says Baby Pierre. He gets back on his bike.

Vello, David and N F S pedal towards Katherine, deep in discussion about Danish national literature. 

Sandwiches! calls Katherine.

They each grab their musettes, and sail by.

Did they say thank you? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence. Were they supposed to?

I guess not, says Katherine. I'm not loving this job.

Me either, says Terence. Yay! Here come my frogs!

A tiny bicycle speeds past them, with two frogs pedalling. It's not easy to see how they do it.

We don't want any food! cries the knowlesi.

Bumhole! says Terence. Sweezus could have eaten these sandwiches.

Give them to Arthur and Pablo, says Katherine. They're just coming.

So Arthur and Pablo get sandwiches, put together by Terence, for two frogs and a pebble....(don't ask what's in them)....and soon catch up to Sweezus, who is flagging.

In Nyborg, some time later, Fabio Jacobsen is .... is he?... yes!... just pipping Wout van Aert at the finish! 

Tour de France is always so thrilling!

.

Stage One: Copenhagen - Wet

This is not good. It is raining.

And today it's the time trials.

Vello, David and N F S Grundtvig stand waiting.

Those open sandwiches were nice, says Vello.

They were, agrees David.

We could ask Katherine to sandwich two open sandwiches together, says Vello.

Then it would just be a sandwich, says N F S Grundtvig.

With double the filling, says David.

Exactly, says Vello. And it wouldn't fall out.

The rain is pelting down.

One by one the riders zoom round the circuit: Pont de la Reine Louise, Trianglen, Sankt Jacob, La Petite Sirene, Kongans Nitorv.

There are many corners.

Sweezus and Arthur wait their turn.

Next rider to go down the chute is Geraint Thomas.

No way! says Sweezus. He still wearing his warm-up gilet! 

Bet he's forgotten, says Arthur.

And it is true. Geraint has forgotten. 

He remembers it now, as he flies past La Petite Sirene.

Bugger! mutters Thomas.

The rain eases to a drizzle.

A spray with no visible source shooshes past.

La Petite Sirene is the only one who has noticed the culprit.

Her eye is trained to spot stones and pebbles in motion.

I would like to meet that pebble, thinks La Petite Sirene. If I could just get down off this rock thing.....

She flexes her tail.

The next riders are the lucky ones.

Yves Lampaert is one of them.

He beats the best time of Wout van Aert.

By then it had stopped raining (an advantage).

But the road was still wet (to his credit).