Big Brother At Work

Would you like me to show you the special window? asks the attendant.

No way! says Terence.

All right then, says the attendant, I'll take you back to Mr Secundus.

Who? asks Terence.

The gentleman who had you in his backpack, says the attendant.

Gaius, says Terence. He's always busy.

Would you like a colouring-in book? asks the attendant.

Yes! says Terence. 

Wait here, says the attendant. We keep them for children like you.

She goes off to look for a colouring-in book, and coloured pencils, that they keep on the train for children like him.

But now Terence has remembered the sketch book that Pierre-Louis bought him. And the charcoal pencils.

And his plan to make a long drawing of the view from the train.

He runs back to Pierre-Louis.

Can I have my sketch book and pencils?

Of course, says Pierre-Louis. They're in my back pack. I'll just get it down.

He opens the overhead locker and takes down his backpack.

He opens the backpack.

Oops! He's forgotten that Squattu is sleeping in there.

Squattu is rudely awakened. Squuee! 

She spreads her bat wings and flies straight at Pierre-Louis.

Duck! cries Gaius.

Pierre-Louis ducks.

So does Marx who had been about to return to his seat.

He has notes to prepare on Big Brother at Work, another talk he is giving.

So, everyone in danger has ducked.

But no, the attendant returns at this moment.

A bat! says the attendant.

To her credit, she does not panic.

Squattu has calmed down, and returned to Pierre-Louis's open backpack.

Another Easter decoration? asks the attendant.

Where? asks Terence.

It's a live specimen, says Pierre-Louis. Sleeping. I accidentally disturbed it.

But all's well now, says Gaius. And I see you've brought Terence a colouring book and some pencils. That is kind.

The assistant decides that it would be best to ignore the bat incident.

The other passengers don't seem to have noticed.

Which could be because they are sensing the imminent arrival of their lunches.

In particular, the goat curry with pickled okra.

I must go, says the assistant. Please keep your specimen under control.

Certainly, says Gaius.

Why did she call Squatty an Easter decoration? asks Terence, tipping out his pencils.

I told her the rock pigeon was one, says Pierre-Louis.

Why? asks Terence.

Because Easter is coming, and I thought it would sound more convincing, says Pierre-Louis.

Quick thinking on your part, says Gaius.

But now Terence knows that Easter is coming.

Do I get a present? asks Terence.

No, that's Christmas, says Gaius.

Bumhole! says Terence

Through The Special Window

The train attendant watches the rock pigeon eat grains of granola from the floor.

No Easter decoration would do that, thinks the attendant.

She continues to watch the rock pigeon. 

If it defecates, that's it, she decides.

Plop.

The rock pigeon defecates. A thick pinkish blob.

Right! says the attendant.

She steps up behind the rock pigeon, avoiding the blob.

You're coming with me, says the attendant. We have a special window for birds that stray onto the train.

Is that a euphemism? asks the rock pigeon.

No, it's an actual window, says the attendant.

Then I'm happy to go through it, says the rock pigeon. 

This is eaier than the attendant had expected.

She escorts the rock pigeon to the special bird exit window, which is out of sight of the passengers (for obvious reasons).

She opens it. The rock pigeon flies out and heads west, towards Adelaide..

The attendant goes back to clean up the thick pinkish blob.

Then she goes back down the carriage to confront Pierre-Louis.

Pierre-Louis is still chatting with Marx. 

Of course, says Marx, switching to renewables is just exchanging one kind of capitalism for another.

That's a gloomy perspective, says Pierre-Louis.

Excuse me sir, says the attendant, I have just ejected your bird from the train.

The Easter decoration? asks Pierre-Louis. Why?

It was no Easter decoration, says the assistant. It ate food from the floor of the train and then defecated. I have just cleaned it up.

Do you get paid extra for such services? asks Marx.

Naturally, says the assistant. As long as I fill in a form.

Gaius returns from the toilets.

Trouble? 

No, no, says Pierre-Louis. It seems our pigeon is on its way home.

A good outcome, says Gaius. But someone needs to tell Terence. He's looking for it.

Is Terence your little statue? asks the attendant.

Um, yes, says Gaius. Don't worry, I'll let him know.

But the attendant thinks she needs to know more about Terence. She scans the carriage.

Ah! There he is. Crawling along under the single recliners.

She marches up, and bends down.

Hello, Terence.

Hello! says Terence. I'm looking for the parrot.

No parrot here, says the assistant.  

It doesn't want me to call it a parrot, says Terence.

Doesn't it? says the assistant. Is it by any chance a rock pigeon?

No, says Terence. It's going to be my third best parrot, when I find it.

Well I'm sorry to have to tell you this, says the assistant, but he's been let off the train.

He hasn't! says Terence. The train is still going.

Through a special window, says the assistant.

But Terence's little face is crumpling.

And now she feels bad.

The Same Fight At Bottom

The train pulls out of the Murray Bridge station.

Terence comes back to where Gaius and Pierre-Louis are sitting.

You missed all the excitement, says Gaius.

I didn't, says Terence. I swallowed some compo, and then it came back, all over me.

Compo? says Gaius.

The guard had to wipe me, says Terence. It was like a red drink, only thick.

Compote, says Pierre-Louis. I had it too. Which is why I swapped breakfasts with Gaius.

Then I spilt it, says Gaius. But not to worry, the pigeon is cleaning it up.

He indicates the rock pigeon.

A parrot! cries Terence.

Hrumph! says the rock pigeon. Don't call me a parrot.

Why is he here? asks Terence. 

He is the tenth fastest bird in the world, says Gaius. It seems Roo-kai asked him to deliver the drone to us, as he himself had no chance of meeting the deadline.

Yay! says Terence. Have we got the drone?

Yes, says Pierre-Louis, showing him the drone box.

Let me tell Squatty, says Terence.

Let her sleep, says Gaius. She'll find out soon enough.

Guess what? says Terence. Guess who gave me the compo?

No idea, says Gaius. Who?

Grandpa Marx! says Terence. He's going to Melbourne like us.

Marx! says Gaius. Where is he sitting?

Terence points, but there is no need. Marx is approaching.

There are thick red spots on his trousers.

Gaius! says Marx! Here we are on the same train!

It would appear so, says Gaius. Was it you who gave Terence the compote?

Regretfully yes, says Marx. He brought it up almost immediately.

There is some on your trousers, says Pierre-Louis.

I know, says Marx. I'm not cleaning it off. I'm hoping it will give me some street cred.

And you need street cred because...? asks Gaius.

I'm on my way to the Marxist conference, says Marx. I'm on the Opening Night Panel. The topic will be Fighting Back Against Class War Racism and The Climate Crisis.

How interesting, says Pierre-Louis. Is that one fight or two?

All fights are the same fight, at bottom, says Marx.

Grandpa knows everything, says Terence

Gaius looks doubtful. Pierre-Louis does not look impressed.

This is Pierre-Louis Maupertuis, says Gaius. He is accompanying me on a quest to find endangered Leadbeater's possums.

In Melbourne? asks Marx.

It is his turn to look unimpressed.

We'll be going on to Yellingbo, says Gaius.

I see, says Marx. By the way I think you're losing your fruit bat.

It's a rock pigeon, says Gaius. 

Well, it's getting away, says Marx.

The rock pigeon is straying further down the carriage after runaway grains of granola.

The attendant who let him on, believing he was an Easter decoration, is watching him go.

Not Insulted

The train pulls into the Murray Bridge station.

The rock pigeon lands on the platform, with the drone.

It's a long train.

Will there be someone meet him?

Gaius looks out through the train window.

Strange, says Gaius. I don't see Roo-kai. Perhaps he couldn't find it.

Pierre-Louis looks out of the window.

There it is! says Pierre-Louis. The drone box. No doubt with our drone inside. Looks like a rock pigeon is about to make off with it! Quick! Hurry!

Gaius lifts up his tray table, spilling compote and crunchy granola.

Drat! says Gaius. You go. 

Pierre-Louis slides out of his seat and hurries to the door of the carriage. He jumps onto the platform and heads for the box.

Hey! says the rock pigeon. Got any identification?

This is my drone, says Pierre-Louis. I'm expecting it. Did you happen to see who delivered it?

Me, says the rock pigeon. And I still need ID.

Toot! The train is about to depart. 

No time, says Pierre-Louis. But I can assure you....

I was promised a substantial nibble, says the rock pigeon.

Who by? asks Pierre-Louis. 

Roo-kai, says the rock pigeon.

That explains everything! says Pierre-Louis. Come on board. I have some leftover crunchy granola.

Ooh! says the rock pigeon. My favourite!

Perch on the box and keep still, says Pierre-Louis. The attendant won't notice.

He is wrong. The attendant does notice.

A bird? says the attendant, as Pierre-Louis steps in.

Realistic isn't it, says Pierre-Louis. 

You mean it's a toy? asks the attendant.

An Easter decoration, says Pierre-Louis. For the child.

The one who's a statue? asks the attendant.

Yes, says Pierre-Louis.

It's amazing what they come up with these days, says the assistant, stroking the soft grey feathers.

Coo! says the rock pigeon. 

Toot! Toot! toots the train. 

Did you get it? asks Gaius, when Pierre-Louis returns to his seat.

Yes, says Pierre-Louis. The rock pigeon brought it.

Well done! says Gaius. Would it like some crunchy granola?

I certainly would, says the rock pigeon. 

It's all over the floor, says Gaius. Go for it.

The rock pigeon hops down. 

It is not insulted, being used to this mode of consumption.

That Rock Pigeon

Unless.....

Roo-kai thinks as he flies. 

Roo-kai may not be able to reach Murray Bridge before the Overland gets there, but there are others who can.

Roo-kai recalls seeing a list of the world's fastest birds.

Number one: the peregrine falcon.

Too bad Roo-kai does not know a peregrine falcon. 

Then who?

The rock pigeon was tenth. 

Rock pigeons are everywhere. And always peckish. That's it!

He flies towards the CBD.

.....

Meanwhile, on the Overland, Gaius and Pierre-Louis are enjoying their all-inclusive breakfast.

Gaius is eating baked beans with spinach and feta omelette on sourdough toast.

Pierre-Louis is regretting choosing vanilla yogurt with plum compote and crunchy granola.

Terence is exploring the carriage.

A few seats down he sees the back of a head that looks familiar.

It's the hair.

White, bushy on the sides and ...

He moves forward.

... grey and white shaggy beard, a black mo.

Grandpa Marx! shouts Terence.

Marx gets a shock.

It's years since he last saw Terence.

Terence! cries Marx. Why are you on the Overland?

Because I am, says Terence.

Are you with anyone? asks Marx.

No, says Terence.

Come and sit with me, says Marx. Although it may be difficult, as my seat is a single. I would let you sit on my lap, but these days, one shouldn't... and in any case my tray table is down and ...would you like to finish my vanilla yogurt, it's nice.

What's the red stuff? asks Terence.

Compote of plum, says Marx. Try a spoonful.

Terence swallows it down.

We're going to Melbourne, says Terence

Who is we? asks Marx. You said you weren't with anyone.

I was, says Terence. They're sitting back there.

He points back to where Gaius and Pierre-Louis are sitting. 

Marx cranes around to see the two men swapping breakfasts.

And, says Terence, we've also got Squatty. She's a fruit bat, and right now she's asleep.

Not a parrot? asks Marx.

My parrot's gone back to Gaius's house to get the drone, says Terence. Gaius forgot it.

Same old Gaius, says Marx. I must go and talk to as him as soon as I've finished my breakfast.

Can I have the rest of your compo? asks Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Marx. Compote, not compo. Compo is something completely different, a right to insurance, hard won by the working classes.

You know everything, says Terence.

But not this, says Marx. How will your parrot catch up with the train? I doubt it flies faster than we're travelling. And I imagine he's carrying a drone.

He'll make it, says Terence. He's the best parrot ever.

Even so, says Marx. It's a question of velocity.

.....

It is, and Roo-kai, the best parrot, has resolved it.

See that rock pigeon up there?

In-Out-Up-No-Way-Unless

Roo-kai flies directly to Gaius's house.

Where will the drone be?

Outside? On the wooden table?

Or inside.

In which case, how will he get in?

He arrives, and lands in the back garden.

No drone on the table.

He slides the screen door open with his beak and taps on the glass door.

Maybe Baby Pierre will be in the kitchen.

Or Ageless lobster, paying a visit to Kobo.

He flies around to the side of the house and peers through the kitchen window.

Roo-kai! mouths Baby Pierre.

Open the back door! signals Roo-kai.

Baby Pierre rolls down from the window sill onto the draining board and leaps down to the floor.

He speeds across to the small chest of drawers, in the corner.

He climbs to the top, via a series of handles.

Click. He opens the back door.

Roo-kai enters the kitchen.

They forgot the drone, says Roo-kai. Have you seen it?

No, says Baby Pierre. Let's go looking.

They go looking, and find it on Gaius's bed, in its box, ready for its train trip.

Great! says Roo-kai.

Now what? says Baby Pierre.

I fly with it to Murray Bridge, where I'm meeting the Overland train, says Roo-kai

Woo! says Baby Pierre. Wouldn't that be impossible?

Maybe, says Roo-kai. In which case I'll fly on to Bordertown. Or even Dimboola.

You don't have to, says Baby Pierre. It's their fault they left it behind..

I'm Terence's best parrot, says Roo-kai. 

I heard he had a new parrot, says Baby Pierre.

She's the second best, says Roo-kai. 

Okay, go, says Baby Pierre. Keep me posted.

How? asks Roo-kai.

The drone, says Baby Pierre. Aren't you going to use it?

I wasn't, says Roo-kai. Don't tell me you've got your own phone?

It's a smart watch, says Baby Pierre, showing Roo-kai the tiniest smart watch ever. You can send me videos from the drone's camera. I'll give you my number

Tch! This is all wasting time.

Roo-kai memorises the number, and exits the house with the drone.

No way will he reach Murray Bridge before the train does.

Unless....

Towards Extinction

Sunday morning.

They arrive at the Parkland Terminal, early.

Gaius has the tickets.

They stand in a queue.

The check-in official has been looking out for a person of Gaius's decription.

She walks down the queue.

Mr Secundus? 

It is I, says Gaius. And this is Pierre-Louis Maupertuis, my companion.

You're both down for priority boarding, says the check-in official.

She leads them to the head of the queue, and helps them on board.

She points out their seats, and goes back to continue the check-ins.

That was nice, says Pierre-Louis. 

An attendant comes up.

May I help you with your baggage? asks the attendant. There's an overhead locker.

Not the overhead locker! cries Terence, from inside Gaius's backpack.

What was that? asks the attendant.

My young charge, says Gaius. Don't worry. He's a statue.

Ha ha, laughs the attendant. May I see him?

Certainly, says Gaius. He may need to come out now and then. I trust that won't be a problem.

He opens his backpack.

Terence tries to look like he won't be a problem.

A Baby Jesus statue! says the attendant. How comforting that must be for you.

Not really, says Gaius. But well, yes, I suppose so.

I'll leave you to it, says the attendant. And I'm sorry for your loss.

Not lost yet, says Gaius. But hurtling towards extinction.

The attendant goes off to help the gentleman three seats down, who has dropped all his papers.

They all seem very concerned about the Leadbeaters' possum, says Gaius.

Yes, says Pierre-Louis. They do. 

Most heartening, says Gaius.

Can I get out? asks Terence. Where can I sit?

Wait a bit, says Gaius. There are thirty six seats in this carriage, and if any remain empty when the train leaves the station, you can sit in one.

Okay, says Terence. Where's Squatty?

In my back pack, says Pierre-Louis. Sleeping peacefully.

Where's the drone? asks Terence.

Gaius has it, says Pierre-Louis.

I thought you had it, says Gaius.

No, says Pierre-Louis. I've got the fruit bat.

You left it behind! says Terence. Now what?

I'll get Arthur to send it, says Gaius.

How long will that take? asks Pierre-Louis.

I don't know, says Gaius. Curses!

There is a tapping on the carriage window.

Roo-kai! cries Terence.

Has he found the drone? asks Gaius. 

Terence makes a sign like a drone. Rising, scanning, descending.

Roo-kai realises at once what has happened.

He heads for the door of the carriage and hops inside.

You forgot the drone! says Roo-kai. I'll go back for it.

We're about to depart, says Gaius.

I'll meet you in Murray Bridge, says Roo-kai. 

Excellent! says Gaius.

Roo-kai hops out of the carriage. Great. A mission.

The train toots. Toot!

The train departs. 

Kind Of Good Kind Of Bad

If I knew we weren't paying I'd have ordered an extra ticket, says Gaius.

For Terence? asks-Pierre Louis.

I don't need my own seat, says Terence. I'll walk up and down the carriage.

For eleven hours, says Gaius. I don't think so. 

I'll play games with Squatty, says Terence.

She'll be sleeping, says Gaius. Which is just as well, as she's probably not supposed to be on the train.

I'll practise using the drone, says Terence.

That would be worse, says Gaius. But I do realise I can't keep you confined in my back pack the whole day.

Give him some activites, says Pierre-Louis. Keep him busy.

Yes, says Terence. Give me activities.

Perhaps Pierre-Louis could organise that aspect, says Gaius. I must locate my notes on the Leadbeater's possum.

What kind of activities do you like? asks Pierre-Louis.

Skateboarding, says Terence.

I meant quiet ones , says Pierre-Louis. Drawing, for example?

Drawing what? asks Terence. 

The view from the window, says Pierre-Louis. In fact, I could give you some lessons.

I don't like lessons, says Terence.

Examples then, says Pierre-Louis. And when you've made a whole collection of views, we'll staple them together.

Like a real train, says Terence.

He has a long series of views in his mind.

Right, says Pierre-Louis. I'll go down to Officeworks and buy a sketch book, some charcoal pencils, and a rubber, in case you make any mistakes.

I don't make mistakes, says Terence.

Pierre-Louis goes out to Officewoks.

Gaius rummages through a drawer, looking for his notes on the Leadbeater's possum.

Squattu is asleep.

Terence imagines tomorrow.

He is on a long train, going fast. 

He looks out of the window, at a tree,  then down at his sketchbook.

He takes out a charcoal pencil.

He looks out of the window again.

No tree.

Wah! says Terence.

What's the matter? asks Gaius.

Can we stop the train while I finish my drawing? asks Terence.

Of course not, says Gaius. Are you worried about the speed at which the scenery will change?

Yes! says Terence. And my long drawing will be ruined.

Once we're though the Adelaide Hills you won't need to worry, says Gaius. It doesn't change all that much.

Which is kind of good news to Terence, but also kind of bad.

Unmolested

Later that morning, Arthur phones Gaius.

Booked our tickets to Melbourne? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur. I'm sending them through.

Good man, says Gaius. How much was it?

You're getting a refund and upgrade, says Arthur. And an apology.

For what? asks Gaius.

Their stuff-up, says Arthur. 

Excellent, says Gaius. I knew I could rely on you. When are we going?

Sunday, says Arthur. You leave very early, but you get a free breakfast.

Thank you, Arthur, says Gaius. How are things with Great White Teacher?

He'll soon be decorating the back of a bus, says Arthur. Him and his mate Speedy, with two happy fish, that have just been set free.

The general public will love it, says Gaius.

That's the idea, says Arthur. I'll send you a photo. Enjoy the train trip.

We shall, says Gaius. 

Taking the fruit bat? asks Arthur.

Of course, says Gaius. I trust that won't be a problem. She'll be sleeping. She and Terence will lie low in my back pack

Good luck with that, says Arthur.

Thanks, says Gaius.

Arthur grabs his surf board and heads back to the water, to join Sweezus.

No sharks anywhere. 

Great White Teacher is far out to sea, addressing his sidekicks.

Soon, says Great White Teacher, all the bad publicity will be behind us. 

It was worth that trip to Mexico, boss, says Flash.

Yeah, says Shorty. 

Profitable business, says Great White Teacher.

Sweezus and Arthur catch wave after wave, unmolested.

At home, Gaius examines the tickets, which Arthur sent through.

Red Premium. Free breakfast etcetera. And a short letter of apology.

Dear Mr Secundus, on behalf of National Pacific Railways I would like to apologise for the misunderstanding with your booking. We are sorry for your loss, and hope you will accept a refund and upgrade. Enjoy your trip to Melbourne.

The Destinations Manager.

Well, says Gaius, showing the tickets to Pierre-Louis. I wonder what loss that refers to?

Leadbeater's possum extinctions? suggests Pierre-Louis.

Ah yes probably, says Gaius. Very nice of the Railways.

Fin To Fin

How's this? asks Great White Teacher, showing less of his teeth.

Can you kind of smile with your mouth shut? asks Sweezus.

Thought I was, says Great White Teacher.

We need to rethink this, says Sweezus. What's our main message?

Sharks are friendly, says Great White Teacher.

Like, to who? asks Sweezus.

Each other, people who mind their own business, not fish, says Great White Teacher.

Cool, says Sweezus. What we need is you swimming next to someone minding their own business.

That might not look good, says Arthur, looking up from his phone.

Yeah you might be right, agrees Sweezus. What about.... two friendly sharks swim together?

Fin to fin, says Great White Teacher. I like it. Would it fit on the back of a bus?

Sure, says Sweezus. We can play around with the sizing.

Great White Teacher swims off to find an off-sider.

What did Gaius want? asks Sweezus.

Cheap tickets for the Overland, says Arthur. I'm just checking the prices.

That's a first for you, saysSweezus. You usually seat hop.

He's going with Pierre-Louis, says Arthur. Not me. Gaius won't mind paying something.

How much is it? asks Sweezus. 

One hundred and sixty five, one way, says Arthur. Cheaper if you book six months in advance.

He'll want to go right away, says Sweezus.

But it gives me something to work on, says Arthur. Right. Done!

He books two tickets six months in advance, using Gaius's credit card details, which he knows.

Now what? says Sweezus.

Wait for the tickets to show up on my phone, says Arthur. 

Can't see how that's going to ....Hey! Great White Teacher's back.

Great White Teacher has returned, with Speedy, his side-kick.

Let's do this! says Great White Teacher.

Okay, look friendly, says Sweezus. Not like that! Try it side on.

Great White Teacher and Speedy face one another.

They have not been in this conjunction before.

Their mouths open, to remark on it.

Two tiny fish dart out. Yay!

Click. 

Awesome , says Sweezus. That's the money shot.

Excellent! says Great White Teacher. When will we see the results?

End of the week, says Sweezus. By then we'll be able to show you a photo of the actual bus.

The sharks swim off, after the tiny fish that escaped in the interests of public relations.

Less Teeth

Gaius takes the drone back inside.

Terence still has the controller.

You'd better be the one in charge of that, says Pierre-Louis.

Yippee! says Terence.

I thought I was, says Squattu.

You'll be working together, seeing you both did so well, says Pierre-Louis.

We need more practice says Squattu.

Yes, says Terence. Let's have another go.

I don't think... says Pierre-Louis.

But just then Gaius calls him inside.

We need to book our train tickets, says Gaius. 

I thought Arthur did that sort of thing, says Pierre-Louis.

I suppose I could call him, says Gaius.

He tries.

Arthur answers.

What's up?

Is there any chance you could get tickets for me and Pierre-Louis on the Overland? asks Gaius.

Can't you? asks Arthur.

You always seem to be able to get a good discount, says Gaius.

Okay, says Arthur. I'll try. 

Are you busy? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur. We're trying to organise an ad on the back of a bus for Great White Teacher.

Don't let me hold you up, says Gaius. But I would like those tickets asap.

Sure, says Arthur.

Arthur heads back to the shallows to continue the photo shoot.

Great White Teacher is trying hard to look friendly.

Less teeth! suggests Sweezus.

Great White Teacher tries smiling again.

....

Where is that drone? asks Gaius. I thought I put it down on the table.

Terence took it back outside, says Pierre-Louis.

Curses! says Gaius. We can't afford any more trouble.

They go back outside.

Squattu is high up in the pencil pine.

Terence is below, with the controller.

The drone is hovering level with Squattu.

Squattu dives into the pencil pine branches and emerges with a tennis ball.

Yay! cries Terence.

What's going on? says Gaius. 

She got the possum! says Terence.

Possum, what possum? asks Gaius.

The tennis ball, says Terence. It's the possum. 

Hum, says Gaius. Very good. But of course in a real situation I wouldn't want her to get her claws into the possum.

It's a tennis ball, says Squattu, not a real possum. In a real situation, I'd take a photo.

Very good, says Gaius.

And perhaps conduct an interview, says Squattu.

Gaius is beginning to think that Squattu has been an excellent find.

Not A Knob

Pierre-Louis unpacks the new drone.

Can I do it? asks Terence.

After I read the instructions, says Pierre-Louis.

He reads the instructions.

Terence looks at the controller.

Two joysticks and a screen. How does that need intructions?

He pushes the left joystick UP.

The DJ1 Mini2 rises.

Terence watches himself getting smaller and smaller on the screen.

It works! says Terence.

What are you doing? says Pierre-Louis. 

He looks up.

The DJ1 Mini2 is still rising.

Bring it down! says Pierre-Louis. No actually, I'll do it.

He takes the controller from Terence.

Which knob did you use?

It's not a knob, it's a joystick, says Terence. 

Which one?

This one, says Terence.

Then the other one should bring it down, says Pierre-Louis.

It seems he has never played a game with a joystick.

He pushes the right joystick down.

The DJ1 Mini2 heads across to the neighbour's back garden, and gets lodged in a tree.

Merde! cries Pierre-Louis.

Let me do it! cries Terence.

He jiggles the left joystick.

No joy.

The drone remains stuck in the tree.

Gaius comes out with Squattu.

She's feeling much better, says Gaius. She just needs some air. Did you get the drone going?

I did, says Terence. But Pierre-Louis sent it into a tree.

I imagine that happens a lot, to first time users, says Gaius. Which tree?

Next door, says Pierre-Louis.

Roo-kai will get it, says Terence.

But Roo-kai isn't here. He has gone to find something for breakfast.

Let me, says Squattu.

If you feel up to it, says Gaius.

Just watch, says Squattu.

She flies over the neighbour's fence, and lands in the neighbour's tree, next to the DJ1 Mini2.

Can you see her? asks Pierre-Louis. 

No, says Gaius. Too many leaves in the way.

I can, says Terence. On the screen here.

Squattu is grinning into the camera.

She is waving her bat wing. 

Now she is reaching forward with her bat claw and everything is shaking.

The tree trunk is seen, shooting upwards.

Woop! says Terence. She did it. 

Can we stop it before it hits the ground? asks Gaius.

I don't know how to, says Pierre-Louis. I haven't read all the intructions.

Terence pushes the left joystick UP, and then RIGHT.

DJ1 Mini2 heads straight for the neighbour's ornamental bird bath.

Zoom.

UP! shouts Squattu. When you reach fence height, turn 180 degrees and then ....

What? shouts Terence.

The neighbour pops her head over the fence.

Is this your drone? asks the neighbour.

Somehow the neighbour has caught it.

Yes, says Gaius. Apologies. It's new.

Thought I saw a bat in the garden, says the neighbour, but it was this thing.

She hands the drone back to Gaius.

We're taking it to the Victorian Central Highlands, says Gaius. 

Lots of trees there, says the neighbour. Better learn how to control it, before you go.

Indeed, says Gaius.

Wisely, he decides not to mention the bat. 

Hold The Hot

Gaius and Pierre-Louis are in JB Hifi, looking at drones.

Can I help you? asks the assistant.

Yes, says Gaius. We are trying to find the right drone.

What do you want it to do? asks the assistant.

Rise up into the upper forest canopy in the Victorian Central Highlands and spot endangered possums, says Gaius.

That's very specific, says the assistant. Have you used one before?

No, says Gaius. So we need it to be simple.

This one should do you, says the assistant. It's a DJ1 Mini2.

What are its advantages? asks Pierre-Louis.

A good question, says Gaius. 

It's lightweight, says the assistant. And because of that, it doesn't need to be registered to fly.

Registered? says Gaius.

Yes, says the assistant The larger ones  do.

We'll take it, says Gaius. 

Wait, says Pierre-Louis. How much is it?

Oh yes, how much is it? asks Gaius.

Five hundred and ninety nine dollars, says the assistant. You're lucky. It's on special at the moment.

Pricey, says Gaius. But we are going halves. 

They pay for the DJ1 Mini2. 

Need a bag? asks the assistant.

No, says Gaius. Pierre-Louis will carry it.

Good luck finding possums, says the assistant. Just one thing....

What is it? asks Gaius.

This model has no collision avoidance, says the assistant, but that shouldn't be a problem where you're going.

Except for the trees, says Pierre-Louis.

But it's a bit late now. They have bought it.

They cycle back home.

Terence is in the bathroom running a bath.

Squattu is on the floor, panting.

What's happened? asks Gaius.

You tell them, says Terence.

It wasn't his fault, says Squattu.

Yes, says Terence. No one told me that bats can't get covered up with red knitting.

She became overheated! says Gaius.

Yes I did, says Squattu. But Terence is running a bath.

Which tap did you turn on? asks Gaius, seeing steam rising.

This one, says Terence. The Hold.

That's Hot, says Gaius. I'm surprised you didn't notice.

Sorry, says Terence.

You nearly cooked me, says Squattu.

Gaius lets the hot water out, and takes Squattu to the kitchen.

He sprays her with cold water from his trusty spray bottle.

She recovers.

Pierre-Louis takes Terence into the garden to try out the drone.

And see how it copes with the trees.

Half A Drone

Early next morning.

A knock on the door.

It's Pierre-Louis.

Come in, says Gaius. 

How's your fruit bat? asks Pierre-Louis. 

In excellent health, says Gaius. It's applied for the drone job.

You're joking, says Pierre-Louis. It could barely squeak.

Terence has taught it to speak English, says Gaius. 

So we won't need to go halves in a drone, says Pierre-Louis.

We'll still need a drone, says Gaius. The fruit bat will supply the intelligence.

I see, says Pierre-Louis. But a cheap drone will suffice.

Indeed, says Gaius. I always like to save money. Would you like a glass of water?

Thank you, says Pierre-Louis. I haven't had breakfast.

Neither have I, says Gaius. The fruit bat ate my only green apple.

I'd like to see her, says Pierre-Louis.

Follow me, says Gaius. But quietly. She's asleep.

They go into the kitchen.

Squattu is asleep in her box that smells of beans and nasturtiums.

Sweet, says Pierre-Louis. If you like bats.

Terence comes in from the back garden.

Hello, says Terence. Are you coming with us?

That's what I'm here about, says Pierre-Louis. 

This is good news, says Gaius. You're coming to the central highlands?

I'd like to get away, says Pierre-Louis. Vello keeps hounding me for a story.

I thought you wanted him to ask you to write him a story, says Gaius.

I did, but in my own time, says Pierre-Louis. Not to a deadline.

That's your business of course, says Gaius. But I always find it's best to do a task promptly.

Me too, says Terence.

You haven't yet taken those red knitted shorts off, says Gaius.

Terence takes them off. His good old gecko shorts are on underneath.

See! says Terence.

Wait, says Gaius. Does this mean Arthur isn't coming?

He says he's coming, says Pierre-Louis, but you know him.

I do, says Gaius. He'll be along when he's ready. I rely on him.

What for, exactly? asks Pierre-Louis.

Tickets, says Gaius. Pencils, knives....

Tickets? Will we be flying? asks Pierre-Louis.

Not with a fruit bat, says Gaius. We'll go on the train.

What about the drone? aks Pierre-Louis.

I'm sure a drone is allowed on a train, says Gaius. And if it wasn't, it could be programmed to fly overhead.

I meant, what about buying it? says Pierre-Louis.

Yes! says Gaius. Buying it. That should be our task for today. Terence, will you stay here and take care of the fruit bat?

Okay, says Terence.

The two grownups go out.

Terence places his red knitted shorts over the fruit bat.

He doesn't know that fruit bats don't like to be overheated.

Finish Your Squoot

What do you like to eat? asks Roo-kai.

Squoot! says Squattu.

Squoot means nothing in English, says Roo-kai.

It rhymes with scooter, says Terence.

That's no help, says Roo-kai. Besides the fact that it doesn't.

Maybe she wants you to go to the shops on a scooter, says Terence.

I very much doubt it, says Roo-kai.

Me too, says Terence.

Squoot, says Squattu, pointing at a green apple which Gaius has left in a bowl.

Squoot is an apple! says Terence.

Try it, says Roo-kai. 

Terence grabs the green apple and offers it to Squattu.

Squattu looks at the apple.

Squapple, says Squattu.

She wants you to peel it, says Terence.

As if I could peel it, says Roo-kai. But I don't think she wants me to peel it. She's trying to say apple.

Squapple rhymes with apple, says Terence. That's good.

Squattu is encouraged. 

She might attempt to speak English. She has heard enough words.

Squetter than squooter, says Squattu.

Better than scooter? says Roo-kai. Yes, it IS a better rhyme than scooter.

Scooter was MY rhyme, says Terence.

It was pretty bad, says Roo-kai.

Squattu starts biting the apple. 

Squit! Screen squapples are squard!

You know what I think? says Roo-kai. She can speak English. She just needs to learn to swallow her squeaks.

Squallow? says Squatty. Cgh! Cgh!

The effort of saying squallow while trying to squallow a squunk of squeen squapple with the squin on makes her squough.

Terence whacks her on the back like Belle has to do to him sometimes.

The squunk of squapple flies out.

Okay? says Rookai.

Okay, says Squattu.

She did it! cries Terence. She swallowed her squeak!

Yes, says Squattu. I think I've got the hang of it. 

Will they laugh at her bat joke?

That was a bat joke, says Squattu. The hang of it.

Very good, says Roo-kai. 

I can't squank you enough for helping me to speak proper English, says Squattu.

Not a problem, says Roo-kai. It's what best parrots do for second best parrots.

I'm not a second best parrot yet, says Squattu. But I'd like to apply for the drone job with Gaius in the morning.

What's this about? asks Roo-kai. Is there a drone job?

Yes, says Terence. Gaius is getting a drone to look for possums.

So what's the job? asks Roo-kai.

Squintelligence! squeaks Squatty. I mean intelligence.

Then you'll need to eat brain food. Finish your squoot, says Roo-kai.

Not English When A Bat Says It

Gaius arrives home.

He lifts Terence out of the box.

He carries the fruit bat, in the box, through to the kitchen.

It's been a long day, says Gaius. I think I'll turn in. 

I'll watch over Squatty, says Terence.

I thought you called her Squattu, says Gaius.

Squatty is her short name, says Terence.

You know best, says Gaius. 

He heads off to the bathroom, to do his ablutions.

Go to sleep Squatty, says Terence.

Squattu! says Squatty. 

Okay, go to sleep Squattu, says Terence.

But Squattu remains wide awake.

I'll sing you a song, says Terence.

Squat! says Squattu. Weeooweeoo!

Okay I won't, says Terence. 

Squattu tries to get out of the box.

Help! cries Terence. 

Gaius comes back from the bathroom, toothpaste foam in his mouth.

What is it?

She's trying to get out of the box! says Terence.

Let her, says Gaius. She's a nocturnal creature.

Terence knows what that means.

Gaius goes back to th bathroom to spit. 

He imagines Terence helping the fruit bat out of the box and letting it fly round the kitchen.  

No harm in that, if the creature feels up to it, after being half strangled.

But Terence has done more than that.

He has opened the back door and let Squattu out into the garden.

And guess who is out there?

Roo-kai! says Terence. 

Nice shorts, says Roo-kai.

Belle made them, says Terence. Why are you here?

Waiting, says Roo-kai. How did the play go?

Good, says Terence. Me and Hedley wore our shorts back to front at the end.

Are you still doing it? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. I should probably take them off now.

Who's the visitor? asks Roo-kai.

Squatty, says Terence. She's a fruit bat. I asked her if she wanted to be my second best parrot.

What did she answer? asks Roo-kai.

Squat, says Terence.

She needs some English lessons, says Roo-kai.

Squat is English, says Terence. 

Not when a bat says it, says Roo-kai. Where did she go?

Bumhole! cries Terence. She flew away while we were talking!

Don't worry I'll find her, says Roo-kai.

He flies off, looking for Squatty.

Squatty is hanging upside down in the apricot tree in the corner, feeling unwell.

Squatty? says Roo-kai. 

Squatty doesn't answer.

If you come back inside, says Roo-kai, I'll bring you something to eat, and we'll talk about the future.

Squatty wonders if this bird is Terence's best parrot.

It doesn't look like a parrot. But it does talk like one.

If it can help her learn English, she'll be able to apply for the drone job in the morning.

Yes. Good thinking.

She follows him in.

Squeak Up Squattu!

Gaius comes back from washing his hands.

Best if I take the bat home, says Gaius.

Can I come too? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius. You are the best one to handle it, if it needs to be handled.

Yay Batty! says Terence. Guess what? You're going to be Gaius's drone.

What's this about? asks Gaius.

Arthur suggested Pierre-Louis and you should go halves in a drone, says Belle. 

Why would Pierre-Louis do that? asks Gaius.

If I were coming with you instead of Arthur, says Pierre-Louis. But I probably won't be.

And I said we should take Batty, says Terence. Batty wouldn't get stuck in a tree.

Batty is listening. If she doesn't squeak up soon, she will be stuck with the name Batty.

Squeak! says Batty.

What is it? asks Terence. Are you hungry?

Squeak! says Batty.

He is, says Terence. What do bats eat? 

Fruit, nectar and blossoms, says Gaius. But I don't think he's hungry.

Batty is not impressed that they think she's a boy.

Maybe she doesn't want this job after all. But she does. Come on, try girl!

Squattu! says Batty.

Squattu? says Belle. It said Squattu.

Gaius looks closely at Batty.

Aha! It's a female, says Gaius. Why didn't I notice?

Too many beers, says Vello. 

It's a cute name, says Belle.

Cool as, says Sweezus. Squattu the bat. Awesome.

Well, we'll be off, says Gaius. Coming Terence? 

He lifts the box containing Squattu, and heads for his bike.

Terence follows.

Gaius clips the box to his back pannier.

You'll have to get in with her, says Gaius. Try not to squash her.

I won't, say Terence.

Squattu hopes he doesn't mean he won't try.

Gaius heads out of Gluttony and onto the road.

Terence and Squattu bounce behind him, in the box.

If you do a good job, says Terence, you can be my second best parrot.

Squat! says Squattu.

I've already got a best parrot, says Terence.

Squat? says Squattu.

I used to live on a palace, says Terence.

Squattu also used to live on a palace. 

At least it seemed like a palace.

Squattu, says Squattu.

She talks really well, says Terence.

That will be useful, says Gaius.

Bat Intelligence

Don't touch it, says Belle.

I've already touched it, says Terence.

What is it? asks Sweezus.

A fruit bat! says Belle. Terence found it in a tree.

Woah! says Sweezus. Don't they give you diseases?

Yes! says Belle. I'm calling the Parklands Ranger. They'll send someone.

At this hour? says David. Not likely.

Does anyone have a box? asks Gaius.

Dart Blaster guy had a box, says Belle. But he kept it.

Is he still here? asks Gaius.

I'll go and see, says Arthur.

He goes back to the Dart Blaster Arena behind the Piglet. The gate's locked and no one is there.

He climbs over the camouflage fence and looks for the box. 

Gaius is cautiously examining the bat.

Pteropus poliocephalus is never aggressive, says Gaius. There's no need to fear.

Here's the box, says Arthur.

Thank you, Arthur, says Gaius. Now we just need to lift this little fellow into it. 

I'll do it, says Terence.

No you won't, says Belle.

It can't hurt Terence, says Gaius. It's the best solution.

Terence picks up the fruit bat. The eyes of the fruit bat grow large.

Don't squeeze it, says Gaius. Lay it down gently.

The box smells of nasturtium seeds and something fainter. Dried beans.

Don't die, says Terence. 

It won't die, says Gaius. It just needs a rest. 

Can I keep it? asks Terence.

Certainly not, says Gaius. 

The fruit bat covers its face with its wings and tries to sleep. It would prefer to be upside down but hey, you get what you get.

The box smells quite nice.

Ugh, says Belle. They give me the heebie jeebies. 

They are a much maligned creature, says Gaius. 

He absent-mindedly strokes it.

You touched it! says Terence. 

I'd better wash my hands, says Gaius.

He goes across to the portable toilets, chooses an empty one, and goes inside.

I wonder if Gaius will buy a drone, says David.

He's a bit of a tight-arse, says Vello.

I've always fancied a drone, says Pierre-Louis.

You and he should go halves, says Arthur.

I suppose we could, says Pierre-Louis. But then I'd be obliged to go with him to the Central Highlands to look for possums.

You could go instead of me, says Arthur.

Reliable Arthur, says Belle.

Arthur makes a rude sign. 

Only if you want to, says Arthur.

I wonder how much one has to shell out for one with bat intelligence, says Pierre-Louis.

A motza! says Sweezus.

I know what to do! says Terence. Buy a normal drone and take Batty!

Batty is wide awake now.

She has followed the conversation with her bat intelligence.

She would not mind an interesting job.

It would get her out of Adelaide.   

And that man was quite kind. He even knew her proper nomenclature.

Not that she loves the proper nomenclature. Poliocephalus. Who would?

But she won't let herself be called Batty.

Drone Contraptions

Sweezus, Arthur and David are drinking beer under a tree, beside the green lake.

Vello goes up to the bar.

Gaius finds more white plastic seats.

Can I go onto the island? asks Terence.

Okay, says Belle. But no paddling.

Terence runs off to the bridge.

How'd your show go? asks Sweezus.

Not too bad, says Pierre-Louis. But I'd do it differently next time.

Like, think it through? says Belle. You seemed to be winging it.

I was winging it, says Pierre-Louis.

Did you make any money? asks David.

No, says Pierre-Louis. Did you?

We did quite well, says David. People know us.

And the free seeds helped, says Belle. 

In the end, says Vello. No thanks to Arthur.

I found the box, says Arthur.

You were supposed to wrap them, says Vello. 

He probably didn't have time, says Gaius.

That's right, says Arthur.

So what's next for everyone? asks Belle. 

Back to work, says Vello. 

The daily grind, says David.

We're going surfing, says Sweezus. Long weekend coming up.

If you see Great White Teacher..... says Vello

Shit! says Sweezus. He'll want his cut for the teeth!

No cut,  says Vello. He wants an ad on a bus. You and Arthur can see to it.

Bugger! says Sweezus. How much do you reckon it costs?

No idea, says Vello. But we should have made enough to cover it. 

Yes, says David. No problem there.

And what about you, Gaius? asks Belle.

Gaius has been sipping his pale ale thoughtfully, while gazing up into the tree.

Has he just seen a possum?

A fortunate Adelaide possum.

The possible sighting of the fortunate Adelaide possum reminds him of a project he has had at the back of his mind for some time.

I intend to go to the Victorian central highlands to look for critically endangered Leadbeater possums, says Gaius. I'm hoping Arthur will come with me.

Sure, says Arthur. After the long weekend, I'll be free.

It'll be freezing says Belle. Take your long johns. 

Naturally, says Gaius. And before I go, I must try and get hold of one of those drone contraptions. The Leadbeater possums live high up in the canopy.

You need one of those new drones, with bat intelligence, says Belle. One that won't get stuck in a tree.

I'll look into it, says Gaius.

Terence comes running back.

Guess what? I saw a possum in a tree on the island. And I tried to climb up the tree because you said no paddling but you didn't say no climbing but I couldn't and then a big kid gave me a boost to the first branch and the possum jumped away and then millions of bats flew over and one of them landed right next to me and this is him!

Terence produces a medium sized bat, half-strangled and panting.

Crikey! shrieks Belle.

No End To Our Wishes

Pierre-Louis's audience has grown to the size of Candide's, plus two.

Hedley's mother's second friend is on the bicycle, trying to order her thoughts.

What's this show about? asks a new audience member, loudly.

And when does it finish? asks another.

This show is about how I became what I am, says Pierre-Louis. But I've done that part. We're now in the last stage, where audience members try out Schopenhauer's bike.

What for? asks the new audience member.

Wise thoughts, says Pierre-Louis. I suggest you stop asking questions and listen.

Otherwise it'll never finish, says someone. And we won't get our seeds.

We shouldn't have to sit here, says another new audience member. We should just be given them.

The second friend of Hedley's mother is ready.

Attention! says she.

Each satisfaction lays the seeds of some new desire, so that there is no end to our wishes, she continues.

What did she say about seeds? whispers Hedley's mother.

Just what Schopenhauer said, whispers Belle. 

What a wonderful bicycle! whispers Hedley's mother. It should be in a museum.

Gaius keeps it in his garden shed, whispers Belle.

Unbelievable, whispers Hedley's mother. I hope he locks it.

He doesn't need to, whispers Belle. It's full of redback spiders.

Ugh! says Hedley's mother.

Anyone else? asks Pierre-Louis 

He looks around at the audience.

A few hands go up.

Pierre-Louis chooses an elderly person. 

Too late, Pierre-Louis realises it's Gaius, in his old man costume.

Gaius gets on the bike.

He pretends to be waiting for inspiration to arise from below.

A long pause.

Please remain in your seats, says Gaius, and you will each be given two free seeds. One will be a dried bean and the other will be a nasturtium. Plant them wisely.

The audience claps.

Dart Blaster guy comes forward with the box of seeds and walks along the front row. 

The friends of Hedley's mother take two seeds each. So does Hedley's mother.

Dart Blaster guy goes up and down the remaining rows until the seed box is empty.

Most of the audience have now drifted away.

Thanks a lot, Gaius, says Pierre-Louis. My show wasn't finished.

The bicycle was exhausted, says Gaius. 

How do you know? asks Pierre-Louis.

Nothing came to me when I sat on it, says Gaius. I did you a favour.

Fascinating show, says Hedley's mother. Never seen anything like it. Neither has Hedley.

Thanks for coming, says Pierre-Louis.

Bye, Terence, says Hedley.

Bye, Hedley, says Terence. 

Can I keep my red sheep shorts? asks Hedley.

Of course you can, Hedley, says Belle. But wear them the right way round in future.

Don't worry, he will, says Hedley's mother.

They leave. It's been a late night for Hedley

That went well, says Vello. Now to debrief at the bar.

He and Gaius, Belle and Terence head for the bar.

Pierre-Louis follows, wheeling the exhausted bicycle.

Dart Blaster guy throws the empty seed box back into the Dart Blaster arena.

And padlocks the gate.

Seeds Of Desire

The friends of Hedley's mother all want a turn on the bike.

The first friend gets on.

Any thoughts? asks Pierre-Louis.

Plenty, says the friend of Hedley's mother.

Care to share them with us? asks Pierre-Louis.

Everything happens for a reason, says the friend.

Is that one of Schopenhauer's? whispers Hedley's mothe to Belle,

I wouldn't have thought so, whispers Belle. Schopenhauer was a philosophical pessimist.

I thought so, whispers Hedley's mother. She's faking.

I guess it doesn't matter, whispers Belle.

But it does.

And so, continues the friend, there must be a reason why we didn't get free seeds at the end of the last show.

Pierre-Louis is taken aback. How is this his problem?

Ooh! says Belle. We completely forgot them.

It's not too late, says Hedley's mother. At least some of the audience is still here.

Yes, we are, say the friends who are seated. And we'd still like them.

I wonder if Arthur finished making up the packets, says Belle.

There's a box of mixed seeds in this box, says Dart Blaster guy, indicating the box Arthur borrowed.

Great, says Belle. We'll give them out at the end of the show, if Pierre-Louis doesn't mind.

I don't mind, says Pierre-Louis. It proves that my bicycle was right.  

The first friend gets off the bicycle, pleased with her efforts.

The bicycle groans and sighs.

A second friend is about to take a turn, when Vello returns from the bar.

Hold everything! says Vello.

You can't just appear and say that! says Pierre-Louis.

Apologies, says Vello. Unfinished business.

We know, says Pierre-Louis. Everything's under control.

Yes papa, says Belle. We have the box of seeds and some of the audience.

We have the entire audience! says Vello. The rest of them are waiting at the entrance to the Piglet, and they are not pleased.

Ask them in, says Pierre-Louis. They can watch the rest of my show for nothing.

Good for you, says Vello. I suppose thanks are in order.

Not at all, says Pierre-Louis..

Vello returns to the entrance to let his ex-audience in.

We should get first dibs, says a friend of Hedley's mother.

You will, says Belle.

What about us? ask the two audience members who bought tickets to How The Principle of Least Action Made Me what I Am.

You'll get seeds too, says Pierre-Louis. 

Is the show over? asks the second friend of Hedley's mother, poised over the bicycle.

No, get on, says Pierre-Louis.

She gets on.

The bicycle makes an effort. Ugh-arr!

What was it Schop said about seeds of desire?

The Devil Laughs

What was that sound? asks a friend of Hedley's mother.

Never mind, says Belle. I'm on the bicycle now. Ask me a philosophical question.

She looks around at the audience.

Who will ask a philosophical question?

No hands go up.

What's a sofical question? asks Terence.

Not that, says Hedley.

A philosophical question is one that makes you think about the answer, says Belle. Such as, why are we here?

Why are we here? asks Dart Blaster guy.

You're here because you finished work at the Dart Blaster arena, says Belle, and have nothing better to do.

Not bad, says Dart Blaster guy. But what's the big answer?

Let me consult the bicycle, says Belle.

She lifts her skirt a little.

The same sound occurs.

Halfway between a groan and a sigh.

Dear old Schopenhauer, says Belle. He really doesn't like me sitting on his San Marco saddle. 

Does he have an answer? asks Hedley's mother.

He thinks I should get off, says Belle. What do you think, everyone?

Stay on, shout the friends of Hedley's mother.

Okay, says Belle. Give me another question.

Answer the first question, says Hedley's mother.

Suffering, says Belle. It's a depressing answer, I know.

So what's the solution? asks one of the two people who bought a ticket to Pierre-Louis's show.

Pierre-Louis is delighted. But will Belle be able to answer?

Belle lifts her skirt again.

Escape from the act of willing, says Belle.

Ha ha, laughs Terence.

Terence says Belle. What is it you think I just said?

Escape from the act of the willy, says Terence.

Your ears need looking at, says Belle.

The audience laughs. 

But, says Belle. Terence has inadvertently come up with something Schopenhauerian.

The audience looks sceptical.

After the act of copulation, the devil laughs, says Belle.

Hedley's mother looks at Hedley to see if he's listening. But Hedley is licking his fingers.

Schopenhauer believed that, says Belle. I'll leave you to think about it.

She gets off the bike, and goes back to her seat between Terence, and Hedley's mother

That was good, says Terence.

You nailed it, says Hedley's mother.

We all did, says Belle.

Perfect Off-Getting

What to do? thinks Pierre-Louis. Why did I choose Terence? I really wanted Belle. She'd have come up with some wisdom.

His audience is becoming restive.

The friends of Hedley's mother are reaching under their seats for their things.

Attention! says Pierre-Louis. Can't you see how I'm suffering?

The audience quietens.

The suffering ends here, says Pierre-Louis. Terence, get off my bike.

Can't, says Terence. I only have perfect balance, not perfect off-getting.

Pierre-Louis lifts Terence off.

Thank you, Terence, says Pierre-Louis. A round of applause, please, for Terence.

A short round of applause.

Pierre-Louis gets back on his bike, keeping both feet on the stage.

He hopes inspiration will come from below.

Take that damn wig off! It's demeaning! comes an instruction.

From below!

Schopenhauer's spirit!

Pierre-Louis sweeps off his white wig, and throws it into the audience. 

Hedley catches it, but does not put it on.

His mother wouldn't like it.

She would say it could contain head lice.

Hedley pats it, like a guinea pig, or a poodle.

Let me explain, says Pierre-Louis, how my Principle of Least Action is related to stillness, as a means of relieving the world's suffering.

The audience perks up.

And how this bicycle is concentrating my thoughts, say Pierre-Louis.

That's like what happened to me, says Terence loudly.

Can we all have a turn? asks one of the friends of Hedley's mother.

Later, says Pierre-Louis. After I have explained that there is only one human error, which is that we exist in order to be happy.

Who doesn't know that? says Dart Blaster guy. 

All of you, says Pierre-Louis. 

Belle sees that Pierre-Louis is heading straight for more trouble.

What a pity, he had almost recovered.

May I have the first turn? asks Belle.

She steps up onto the stage.

She is still wearing her court lady outfit.

A voluminous skirt.

Pierre-Louis dismounts. Belle lifts her skirt up in order to get her leg over,

The bicycle makes an unbicycle-like sound.

White Smartie

And where is Terence?

And where is Belle for that matter?

Belle has been looking for Terence, who has been looking for Sweezus and found him and Arthur, in a bar.

It's not the best place for Terence.

So Belle has come back with Terence to Pierre-Louis's show.

Terence sits down next to Hedley.

Is this a good show? asks Terence.

He was throwing us Smarties, says Hedley. I saved you a red one.

Thanks, says Terence. I thought you said it was a red one.

It was, says Hedley, showing Terence two red fingers.

Hush, says Belle. Stop talking, and look at the stage.

Terence looks at the stage.

Yikes! a clown. 

He shrinks down in his seat a little.

And who have we here? asks Pierre-Louis, pretending he doesn't know Terence. 

Terence, says Hedley. He's my friend who hates clowns. You'd better tell him you're not one.

I'm not one, says Pierre-Louis. Now who would like to come up on stage and sit on my bicycle seat? I promise you a surprise.

Me! says Hedley.

No! says Hedley's mother. Not you.

Me, says Dart Blaster guy.

No, says Pierre-Louis. Not you.

How about this beautiful lady?

He is looking at Belle.

No thanks, says Belle. I know too much about that bicycle.

What about this boy? says Pierre-Louis, pointing at Terence.

Terence is scared. But Hedley is watching. So Terence goes up to the stage,

Pierre-Louis lifts him onto the stage. Then onto the bike seat.

Afraid? asks Pierre-Louis.

No, says Terence. I have perfect balance.

I forgot you had that, says Pierre-Louis. Let's hope it hasn't worn off. Now clear your mind of everything.

Terence tries to clear his mind of everything.

And what comes to mind? asks Pierre-Louis

Everything, says Terence.

Concentrate on one thing, says Pierre-Louis.

Terence tries. 

A white Smartie, says Terence.

I was thinking more of a snippet of wisdom, says Pierre-Louis.

What's this about? asks a friend of Hedley's mother. What's meant to happen?

This bicycle belonged to Schopenhauer, says Pierre-Louis, and whoever sits on it tends to spout wisdom.

Or some kind of menu, says Dart Blaster guy. Like lobster pie and nut crumble. So why not a white Smartie?

Pierre-Louis has the feeling he's losing control of his show

Stationary In The Middle

It is now eight fifteen. 

The front row is filled with friends of Hedley's mother, and Hedley's mother and Hedley.

The second row by Dart Blaster guy and two others.

Pierre-Louis wheels his bike onto the stage.

Good evening, people, says Pierre-Louis. Thanks for coming. Or staying, in the case of you ladies.

And me! calls out Hedley.

Hush Hedley, says Hedley's mother. 

And you, says Pierre-Louis, looking directly at Hedley. Now, who's heard of the Principle of Least Action?

Me, says Hedley.

Perhaps you would care to explain it, says Pierre-Louis.

No, says Hedley.

Well, says Pierre-Louis. At least you have given us an example.

The friends of Hedley's mother laugh.

Hedley's mother does not.

And you ladies have furnished another example, says Pierre-Louis. By staying.

Now they all laugh. Except Hedley.

But, says Pierre-Louis, my Principle of Least Action is more a principle of physics than a mind-set. Would you like me to explain it?

Yes! shouts Dart Blaster guy. 

My principle states that the true path of a system between two specified states is a stationary point of the abbreviated action, says Pierre-Louis.

Give us an example, says Dart Blaster guy.

Pierre-Louis wheels his bike to one side of the stage, mounts, and wobbles slowly to the middle.

He stops there.

One example, says Pierre-Louis. My life furnishes many others. Would you like to hear more?

Yes! says Dart Blaster guy. That didn't prove anything.

I'm not here to prove anything, says Piere Louis. You may draw your own conclusuions.

This is quite intellectual, whispers one of Hedley's mother's friends to Hedley's mother.

There was a time, when I was to take part in the battle of Mollwitz, says Pierre-Louis. Frederick the Great asked me, and I was happy to oblige. But he was short of horses and I found myself riding a donkey. I got lost and was taken prisoner by the Austrians. 

Sorry? says Dart Blaster guy.

No need to be sorry, says Pierre-Louis. 

I mean I don't get it, says Dart Blaster guy. What's that got to do with...?

Least Action, says a friend of Hedley's mother. I get it.

Thank you madam, says Pierre-Louis. There was also the time when I thought I had deciphered the Kaymajarvi inscriptions. But it turned out I hadn't. They were merely natural markings. 

Did anything you did ever not become stationary in the middle? asks the friend of Hedley's mother.

Ha ha! laughs Pierre-Louis. Probably not. But that doen't mean I didn't finish it.

He mounts the bike again, and rides to the other side of the stage.

Then he wheels the bike back to the middle.

How do you like the show so far? asks Pierre-Louis.

Weird, says one of the two people who paid for an actual ticket.

It gets better, says Pierre-Louis. Who wants to know why I'm wearing this wig?

You're a clown, says Hedley. My friend hates clowns.

I'm not a clown, says Pierre-Louis. This is my Schopenhauer hair, and you'll soon find out why.

He takes a handful of Smarties from his pocket and throws them into the audience.

Most of them fall to the ground, Hedley catches a red one.

Don't eat that, Hedley, says Hedley's mother.

Hedley thinks he will save it for Terence.

Why Leave A Great Place?

The audience shuffles out, except for Frank Cheung.

And the Dart Blaster guy, and the friends of Hedley's mother.

Where is little Hedley? ask the friends of Hedley's mother.

There he is, says Hedley's mother. Come here, Hedley. Say hello to my friends.

Hedley prances over.

Baa! says Hedley. 

I did love your costume, Hedley, says one of the friends.

And yours, adds another.

Belle made them, says Hedley's mother.

It's gorgeous! say the friends.

Frank Cheung is thanking Vello for explaining to the audience that the fault with the pulley was no fault of Bunnings.

Did you enjoy the performance? asks Vello.

It was not the Candide I remember, says Frank. But yes.

We always like to tinker, says Vello. Times change. People think different things are funny.

You're telling me, says Frank Cheung. What's with the next show?

What next show? asks Vello. 

How The Principle of Least Action Made Me Who I Am, says Frank. It's on next.

Ah, that show is being performed by our friend Pierre-Louis, says Vello. Which reminds me, we must clear the stage.

Need a hand? asks Frank.

Thanks! says Vello. No one else is doing anything.

It's true. Sweezus and Arthur have snuck off to a bar.

Belle and Hedley's mother are laughing with the friends of Hedley's mother.

Gaius and David are talking to Dart Blaster guy, about the play's meaning.

The play deals with the problem of suffering, says David.

I didn't pick that up, says Dart Blaster guy.

Perhaps not this excerpt, says Gaius. But in general.

It was more like, why leave a great place like Eldorado? says Dart Blaster guy.

Candide had other fish to fry, says David.

A person approaches, in a white clown wig.

Excuse me, says the person. Could you move? I need to unpadlock my bike.

Pierre-Louis! says Gaius. Why the clown wig?

I'm on next, says Pierre-Louis. 

He unpadlocks the bike.

Sold many tickets? asks David.

One or two, says Pierre-Louis. Not many.

Why not ask those women? says David. They might stay.

I'll stay, says Dart Blaster guy.

Great, says Pierre-Louis.

He wheels his bicycle towards the stage past the friends of Hedley's mother.

You ladies can stay, says Pierre-Louis.

Tch! says Gaius. That's not the way to tempt ladies.

But he is wrong. He is surprised to see the friends of Hedley's mother, and Belle, and Hedley's mother, sit down in the front row.

As though they are planning to stay.

Sheep Are Like Cats

Vello comes on, in a hurry.

We'll now have a short Q and A, says Vello. 

What happened at the back there? shouts someone.

Are the sheep okay? calls someone else.

One at a time, please, says Vello. A slight mishap with the pulley. No blame attaches to Bunnings.

But wasn't it their pulley? asks the first someone.

Yes it was, but something got caught in it, says Vello. Next question?

Sheep? repeats the second someone.

Sheep are like cats, says Vello. They always fall on their feet.

But they were children! says the second someone.

One of them was, says Vello. And he goes to Theatre Bugs and has learnt how to fall correctly.

He means Hedley, whispers a friend of Hedley's mother.

The row of friends of Hedley's mother nod at one another.

Theatre Bugs is well worth the money.

What was the other one? asks the second someone.

You could see what he was, says Vello. Next question! 

He looked like he was made of cement, says a third person. 

That is a speculative statement, says Vello. But I shall answer. Young Terence is made of cement. That is why it didn't matter when his toe went missing.

Did he find it? asks the third person.

Henceforth I shall only be taking questions about the play, says Vello. Preferably of an intellectual nature.

Why did you choose this particular excerpt? asks someone.

I didn't choose it myself, says Vello. But it's a good question. I left the choice to Arthur, the young man who played the part of the king.

Was it because he wanted to play the part of the king? asks the same person.

One might assume so, says Vello. But in fact, he chose the excerpt at random.

Did you have second thoughts when you realised the excerpt he chose was lacking in action? continues the person.

Not at all, says Vello. One can always make something of anything. 

A soft whistle is heard from back stage.

The cast will now come on and take a bow, says Vello. 

Gaius bounces on, looking less old mannish.

Applause!

Belle and Hedley's mother, in their lovely court dresses.

Applause!

Arthur in his glittery costume, bowing Spanish-style.

Loud applause!

Sweezus and David, swirling  their blue feather cloaks.

More loud applause!

And lastly the sheep, Terence and Hedley, cavorting and ....oh look! they've got their red knitted sheep shorts on back to front and their tails look like little red willies! how naughty and yet... how hilarious!

Uproarious laughter, and thunderous clapping!

You could say that the play's a success.

Wah! Baa!

Scene four.

The king enters, followed by Candide and Cacambo.

The king gestures towards the scientific machine.

Three thousand of my most celebrated scientists have made this máquina, says the king.

It looks sturdy, says Cacambo. Are we to get into the basket?

Si, says the king. And there is room for two large red sheep.

Excellent, says Candide. And thank you for allowing us to depart with so much treasure.

The old man comes on, with a box, which he hands to Cacambo.

Not at all! says the king. What you call tesoro is worthless to us. Mere stones and mud, to which you are certainly welcome.

Candide climbs into the basket. Cacambo follows. 

Where are our two sheep? asks Candide. We can't go without them. We are to ride them when we have passed over the mountains.

They are coming, says the king. 

Terence and Hedley run on in their sheep shorts, under their woolly cardboard head.

They stop, and begin singing a song which no one was expecting:

beep beep beep!

don't go to sleep!

we're two red sheep! 

They turn and wiggle their red knitted tails at the audience.

The audience begins clapping.

Terence and Hedley take their cardboard head off, and bow.

Why have you only got one head? shouts someone.

Because only one of us gets there, says Terence. The other one drowns.

How do you drown in a basket going over a mountain? shouts someone else.

It doesn't happen yet, says Terence. It happens later.

Moving on, says Candide. It's time we got going. Your majesty, may I trouble you to lift our sheep into the basket?

Strictly speaking, says the king, I shouldn't. It's not a king's job. But for my esteemed visitors, I shall make an exception.

He lifts the sheep in, and hands their cardboard head to Cacambo.

Behind the painted blue mountains, a creaking sound is heard.

Creak.

The basket is slowly lifted, until it is level with the brown painted sky.

Candide and Cacambo climb out of the basket and onto a ladder, beside the basket.

They climb up the ladder and disappear over the top of the painted scenery, and down another ladder behind it.

What about us! shouts Terence.

Stay in, whispers Hedley. They're pulling us over.

Creak.

The basket containing the sheep doesn't move.

Something wrong with the pulley? asks Frank Cheung from the audience.

I think not, says the king. My scientists have worked tirelessly...

But you can't tell Frank anything. This is about the reputation of Bunnings.

He strides onto the stage, and disappears behind the painted scenery.

Tap-tap, bang, creak. The basket of sheep shoots up and is dragged over the top of the scenery.

Wah! Baa! cry the sheep.

Last Animal To Enter The Ark

Vello walks on, to introduce scene four.

Behind him, the old man and the king are setting up the scientific machinery.

The court ladies prop up the painted blue mountains, with ladders.

The final scene, says Vello. Our heroes leave Eldorado in a scientific machine constructed by the king's engineers. 

From items donated by Bunnings! shouts an audience member.

Vello peers into the audience. Who said that?

Aha. It's Frank Cheung, the manager at Bunnings.

He only donated the items because the first order was deficient. 

But this is no time to quibble.

Vello bows and makes a gesture of acknowledgement, towards Frank.

That ought to shut Frank up.

Meanwhile something has gone wrong with the scientific machinery set-up.

The old man shuffles off, muttering.

The king whistles.

Vello silences the king. He will extemporise.

Did everyone enjoy the Spanish witticisms? asks Vello.

Yes! shouts someone, at the back. 

The voice is familiar.

It's the Dart Blaster guy. He stayed to watch the show. Good for him. Even if he hasn't bought a ticket.

Who wants more? asks Vello.

Yes! shout several friends of Hedley's mother.

What was the last animal to enter the ark? asks Vello.

That's not Spanish! shouts Frank Cheung. 

The answer is in Spanish, says Vello. To ask it in Spanish would be unneccessarily time consuming.

A ladder tumbles, behind him.

Want a hand? asks Frank Cheung.

If you're offering, says Vello. 

Frank Cheung gets up and steps onto the stage.

He helps the king right the ladder.

Good. The joke can proceed.

Does anyone know the answer? asks Vello. No? The answer is El del-fin!

Is that a dolphin? asks a friend of Hedley's mother.

Oh yes, probably, says another friend of Hedley's mother.

But why would a dolphin need to enter the ark in the first place? asks a third friend.

Or the last place, says a man who doesn't even know Hedley's mother.

Del fin, explains Vello. The end 

What happened to scene four? asks a person who is looking forward to seeing the children in their sheep costumes.

Vello glances behind him.

Frank Cheung and the king have fixed the machinery, and repositioned the ladders.

The mountains are in place, and not upside down.

It begins NOW, says Vello withdrawing.

The audience draws in its collective breath.

Such is the magic of theatre.

A Plan Tonto

Vello returns to the stage.

Are we all ready for scene three? asks Vello.

Yes! shout two people.

Will we be squirted again? asks another.

No, says Vello. If you remain awake, there will be no more squirting.

He continues:

Our heroes are invited to a banquet at the palace of the King of Eldorado. They arrive in a carriage drawn by six sheep. They are given robes of state, made of hummingbird down, and led to the banquet room where they are greeted by His Majesty.

Vello withdraws.

Scene Three. The Banquet.

Candide and Cacambo enter, wearing the blue feathered cloaks made from feathers purchased at Spotlight.

Their trousers sparkle with blue sequins.

A thin curtain is drawn back to reveal a low table at which several richly dressed people are squatting.

One of whom is the king, in a glittery costume.

The other two are Belle and Hedley's mother, dressed as court ladies.

Woooo! There is a low ripple of approval from a section of the audience.

Friends of Hedley's mother.

Bienvenidos, strangers, says Arthur (the king).

Thank you, your majesty, says Candide, embracing and kissing the king on both cheeks.

Sit down, por favor, says the king. 

Candide and Cacambo squat at the table, beside the court ladies.

They begin drinking imaginary wine and eating imaginary food from imaginary plates piled with lavish imaginary food, on the low table.

Your majesty, says Candide, we have seen many wondrous things in your country. Your fountains of rose water, your public squares paved with precious stones smelling of cloves and cinnamon, your Palace of Science, with it's mathematical and scientific instruments.

Qué? says the king.

That was a long speech in English, says Hedley's mother. 

Forgive me, says Candide. I do not speak Spanish.

What a pity. The king is very witty in Spanish, says Belle. 

Si, says the king, holding up an imaginary sauce bottle.

The king is holding up an imaginary sauce bottle, says Belle.

Quièn eres? says the king.

The king is asking the sauce bottle, 'what are you?' says Belle.

Soy sauce! says the king, in the sauce voice.

Ha ha! laughs Hedley's mother. 

Soy means 'I am' in Spanish, explains Belle. So the sauce has replied, I am sauce. But it is witty because there is such a thing as soy sauce in English.

Ha ha! laugh Candide and Cacambo. Soy sauce! Very witty.

Everyone in the audience has heard of soy sauce. Soon everyone is laughing.

Do you intend to remain in our country? asks Belle.

As wonderful as it is, says Candide, I miss the lady Cunégonde. And I must find her. Therefore I must leave your country.

Un plan tonto, says the king. 

He says it's a foolish plan, says Hedley's mother. And he has not yet told you his joke about the magician.

We have time to hear it, says Candide.

So the king tells the joke about the disappearing magician. 

In broken English

 Uno, dos, poof.... (he disappeared without a tres).

The court ladies titter, although they would have heard it before.

Awake And Wet

Vello returns to the stage and addresses the audience:

At the inn, our heroes dine on soup, boiled vulture, roast monkeys, and luscious pastries...

Boo! shouts an audience member.

You must remember, says Vello, this is about different days. 

Yes shut up, says the person sitting beside the person who expressed disapproval. It's about different days.

Thank you, says Vello. To continue. Our heroes try to pay for their meal with two gold nuggets, but are laughed at. The innkeeper directs them to the home of an old man who is well qualified to tell them about Eldorado.

Vello holds up a sign.

SCENE 2: The old man's house.

He goes off.

There is a sound of loud knocking.

Gaius, in his old man suit, enters and mimes opening a door.

Candide and Cacambo enter.

Welcome, strangers, says Gaius. 

The innkeeper sent us, says Candide. He said you would answer our questions about this strange country.

Come, sit on my couch stuffed with hummingbird feathers, says Gaius.

Boo! shouts the person in the audience who doesn't understand these are different days.

May I offer you liqueurs? Excuse the humble diamond glasses, says Gaius.

Candide and Cacambo accept the imaginary diamond glasses.

I am one hundred and seventy two years old, says Gaius. Ask me anything.

Tell us about your form of government, your local customs, behaviour towards women, public ceremonies and the arts, says Cacambo.

And your religion, adds Candide. I've always had an interest in metaphysics.

Gaius embarks on his long old man speech about the sensible cutoms of Eldorado.

The audience looks interested at first, but their eyes soon glaze over. 

From the sidelines, Belle has noticed.

She asks Hedley's mother where the squirt bottles are.

In my bag, whispers Hedley's mother.

We need them, whispers Belle.

Hedley's mother takes the two squirt bottles out of her bag. 

Thanks, says Belle. Where are Terence and Hedley?

Getting into their sheep shorts, whispers Hedley's mother.

Already? says Belle.

She goes back stage to find them.

Boys, run out into the audience and squirt them! But don't wet anyone too much.

Yay! says Terence, grabbing a bottle.

Yay! says Hedley.

They run out in their sheep shorts, squirting.

Arrgh! cry the audience members who were dozing.

Ahh! sigh some others, who were hot.

Why are you wearing red shorts now? asks someone who has noticed.

Because we're going to be sheep next, says Terence.

Great! Sheep next! says the person.

Everyone is awake now. And wet. Thanks to Belle's intervention.