Stationary In The Middle

It is now eight fifteen. 

The front row is filled with friends of Hedley's mother, and Hedley's mother and Hedley.

The second row by Dart Blaster guy and two others.

Pierre-Louis wheels his bike onto the stage.

Good evening, people, says Pierre-Louis. Thanks for coming. Or staying, in the case of you ladies.

And me! calls out Hedley.

Hush Hedley, says Hedley's mother. 

And you, says Pierre-Louis, looking directly at Hedley. Now, who's heard of the Principle of Least Action?

Me, says Hedley.

Perhaps you would care to explain it, says Pierre-Louis.

No, says Hedley.

Well, says Pierre-Louis. At least you have given us an example.

The friends of Hedley's mother laugh.

Hedley's mother does not.

And you ladies have furnished another example, says Pierre-Louis. By staying.

Now they all laugh. Except Hedley.

But, says Pierre-Louis, my Principle of Least Action is more a principle of physics than a mind-set. Would you like me to explain it?

Yes! shouts Dart Blaster guy. 

My principle states that the true path of a system between two specified states is a stationary point of the abbreviated action, says Pierre-Louis.

Give us an example, says Dart Blaster guy.

Pierre-Louis wheels his bike to one side of the stage, mounts, and wobbles slowly to the middle.

He stops there.

One example, says Pierre-Louis. My life furnishes many others. Would you like to hear more?

Yes! says Dart Blaster guy. That didn't prove anything.

I'm not here to prove anything, says Piere Louis. You may draw your own conclusuions.

This is quite intellectual, whispers one of Hedley's mother's friends to Hedley's mother.

There was a time, when I was to take part in the battle of Mollwitz, says Pierre-Louis. Frederick the Great asked me, and I was happy to oblige. But he was short of horses and I found myself riding a donkey. I got lost and was taken prisoner by the Austrians. 

Sorry? says Dart Blaster guy.

No need to be sorry, says Pierre-Louis. 

I mean I don't get it, says Dart Blaster guy. What's that got to do with...?

Least Action, says a friend of Hedley's mother. I get it.

Thank you madam, says Pierre-Louis. There was also the time when I thought I had deciphered the Kaymajarvi inscriptions. But it turned out I hadn't. They were merely natural markings. 

Did anything you did ever not become stationary in the middle? asks the friend of Hedley's mother.

Ha ha! laughs Pierre-Louis. Probably not. But that doen't mean I didn't finish it.

He mounts the bike again, and rides to the other side of the stage.

Then he wheels the bike back to the middle.

How do you like the show so far? asks Pierre-Louis.

Weird, says one of the two people who paid for an actual ticket.

It gets better, says Pierre-Louis. Who wants to know why I'm wearing this wig?

You're a clown, says Hedley. My friend hates clowns.

I'm not a clown, says Pierre-Louis. This is my Schopenhauer hair, and you'll soon find out why.

He takes a handful of Smarties from his pocket and throws them into the audience.

Most of them fall to the ground, Hedley catches a red one.

Don't eat that, Hedley, says Hedley's mother.

Hedley thinks he will save it for Terence.