Terrible Timing

Scene Two has ended.

Vello comes on.

The old lady's tale has been told, says Vello. And we have learned a valuable lesson. 

What is it? shouts someone.

Vello ignores him.

Scene Three is entitled The German Colonel in the Arbour, says Vello. And yes, we have skipped a few parts.  The lovely Cunégonde has fallen into the clutches of the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and Candide, having escaped, is now meeting a certain German Colonel in Paraguay.

Get on with it! shouts another audience member.

Indeed! says Vello. And good luck in our AI spotting competition.

Keep your eyes peeled, Hedley, whispers his mother.

I am, whispers Hedley. 

Where did you go in the middle of Scene Two? whispers his mother.

Out the back to see Terence, whispers Hedley.

That was nice, whispers Hedley's mother. Did he show you the props?

Yes,whispers Hedley, but I decided I'll ask for the poem.

That's very mature of you Hedley, whispers his mother.

Scene Three begins.

Arthur comes on, dressed as a German Colonel, with his red ear tips and arched eyebrows.

Candide enters, as though being conducted by soldiers.

So you are a German, says the German Colonel.

Birds twitter in the arbour. Hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets, and a bottle.

A bottle?

The bottle swings from a branch of a tree.

Yes, your reverence, says Candide.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh, says Candide.

Good gracious, says the German Colonel. Can it really be you?

This is beyond the bounds of possiblity! says Candide. You are Cunégonde's brother! But weren't you killed by the Bulgars?

They embrace. 

Candide tells the German Colonel the good news. Cunegonde is alive! But will need to be rescued.

We shall do it together! says the German Colonel.

The bottle drops out of the tree.

Smash! Vinegar goes everywhere.

And a dead something, maybe a herring, lies inert on the stage.

What terrible timing.

That's what I long for, says Candide, because I am hoping to marry her!

You insolent fellow! cries the German Colonel, striking Candide with the flat of his sword.

Candide springs back, draws his own sword, and plunges it into the German Colonel's stomach.

The German Colonel, who had in rehearsal perfected his death scene, instead slips on a herring. 

Last Year's Bon Doo

It looks like a stingray, says Hedley.

It's a skate, says Terence. I got it in Tasmania.

Why is it dead? asks Hedley.

It tried to escape, under my skateboard, says Terence. But Surfing-with-Whales didn't know. And he threw the skateboard into the pullalong, and it died.

So it's yours, says Hedley.

The skateboard? says Terence.

The stingray, says Hedley.

The herring, says Terence.

Why do you have to call it a herring? asks Hedley.

Because it's endangered, says Terence.

If it's dead, it can't be endangered, says Hedley.

Yes, says Terence. But you're not meant to be the person that killed it.

Okay, says Hedley. 

Okay what? asks Terence.

I don't want it after all, says Hedley.

You weren't going to get it, says Terence.

I was, says Hedley. There's a prize for spotting the most AI effects in your play. And the prize is a poem or a prop. And I wanted the prop.

But now you want the poem, says Terence. What poem is it?

Arthur's going to write it, says Hedley. 

It won't be very good, says Terence. He can't do rhymes.

Poems don't have to have rhymes, says Hedley. Just emotions.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. He'll probably write it in French.

So what? I know French, says Hedley. Remember last year? Bon doo!

That was good French, says Terence. 

I know, says Hedley. 

You probably won't win anyway, says Terence. Because you're not watching.

This is a good point. 

Hedley goes back to his seat, next to his mother.

On stage, the old woman is nearing the end of her tale.

In a small fortress on the sea of Azov, we were besieged by the Russians, who were starving us out. The soldiers who guarded us decided to eat us. But a Mohammedan priest persuaded them not to kill us outright. Cut just one buttock off each of these ladies, he said. It will provide you with a delicious meal, and you can have the same again later....

Hedley's mother turns to Hedley to see how he is taking this part of the story.

Poisoned Hot Chocolate

Scene Two. The Voyage.

Sweezus has done a good job with the scenery.

Candide, Cunégonde and the old lady appear to be on a ship, on their way to Cadiz.

Not only the background is moving, but also the floorboards.

Up and down go the floorboards.

An albatross wings its way by.

Squaawk! It emits a realistic albatross warning.

Candide and Cunégonde are both complaining. Can this be the best of all possible worlds, when things have gone so badly?

Stop complaining, you two, says the old lady. Your misfortunes are nothing like mine.

How can you claim that! says Cunégonde. Unless you have been ravished by Bulgars, had two stabs in your belly and your country house demolished, seen your parents butchered before your eyes, and then had to serve as a kitchen maid.....

If you knew my story, says the old woman, you wouldn't talk as you do.

Then tell us your story, says Cunégonde.

I have not always been a servant, begins the old lady. I am the daughter of Pope Urban X and the Princess of Palestrina.....

Hedley is bored. Where are the horses?

Who cares about the old woman's story? Not him. He looks across at his mother. But she is engrossed.

I was betrothed to a handsome young prince of Massa-Carrara, but he died hours before our wedding, due to drinking poisoned hot chocolate, says the old lady.

Poisoned hot chocolate! But Hedley is no longer listening. He has slipped off his seat and made his way backstage, to find Terence.

My mother and I sailed for our estate in Gaeta, but on the way we were captured by Moorish pirates, says the old lady. We and our ladies in waiting were stripped naked. The pirates probed us with their fingers, looking for diamonds.....

Hedley might have liked that part.

Or he might not.

But no matter. He has found Terence, at the back of the Piglet.

Terence is re-winding the string round the neck of his vinegar bottle.

Hi! says Hedley!

Hedley! says Terence. Did you see me? I was a horse.

A pony, says Hedley. 

Okay a pony, says Terence. Did you notice its tail?

Yes, says Hedley. A bottle with something inside it. 

That's Gloopy, says Terence. He's dead. But he's still having adventures.

Let's see, says Hedley.

He looks into the vinegar bottle and sees Gloopy. 

What is it? asks Hedley.

We have to pretend he's a herring, says Terence.

He doesn't look much like herring, says Hedley.

He's unrolled a bit lately, says Terence.

Strategic Enlargement

Fake! shout several audience members.

Vello runs back onto the stage.

Save your guesses till the end, please! says Vello. 

He runs off.

The flickering old lady flickers out entirely and is replaced by Gaius in his skirt and cushion.

That's the real old lady, whispers Hedley.

No prizes for spotting the real one, whispers his mother.

Yes but.... says Hedley.

Shush, Hedley, says his mother.

The old lady is waiting for silence.

There are three thorougbreds in the stables with saddles and bridles, says the old lady. You must get them ready.

Candide hurries off.

I don't know how I'm going to manage with only one buttock, says the old lady.

Youll manage somehow, says Cunégonde.

Candide returns, leading two AI horses with Terence's face, and a smaller pony, which is the actual Terence.

Ha ha! laughs the audience.

Because it is funny.

Get on quickly, says Candide. We must hurry.

I'll take the pony, says Cunégonde. 

She lifts up her skirts, which are divided.

Terence backs in, leaving only his head showing.

Now for the part which no one is expecting.

Terence pulls the vinegar bottle from the back of his shorts. 

He unwinds the string a little.

And places the vinegar bottle down on the floor. 

The dead baby maugean skate in the vinegar bottle rolls slightly.

This is going to be your best adventure ever, whispers Terence. 

Candide has already trotted off stage successfully, due to some tricky leg movements, and a strategic enlargement of his horse's rear end. 

The old lady attempts to mount her horse. After a few false starts she gives up, and leads her horse off stage, muttering, Come along, my beauty.

I'm coming, says Cunégonde. 

She makes a half turn.

The vinegar bottle rumbles.

Here I go! says Cunegonde. Ready, my little pony?

She turns fully, and jogs off the stage.

Terence jogs underneath her.

Yay this is working!

The dead skate in the vinegar bottle trails behind them.

The audience is uncertain as to what they've just seen.

What do you think that was? asks Hedley's mother.

A prop, says Hedley. And it's going to be mine.

Escape Of The Fingers

The audience files in, and sits down.

Hedley and his mother are in the first row.

I wish I was in it, like last year, says Hedley.

Never mind, says Hedley's mother. You're probably too big now.

The stage darkens, And Vello comes on.

He stands still, for several moments, then wiggles his fingers.

Welcome to this year's show, says Vello. These are my fingers.

He wiggles them again.

Remember these fingers, says Vello. 

What for? calls someone in the second row.

You are all about to find out, says Vello.

He goes off. And immediately returns.

He wiggles his fingers.

What's this? Two fingers on one hand are joined together. The other hand has .. only four fingers!

Is this a magic show? calls someone in the fourth row.

Shut up. It's AI CANDIDE! hisses the person next to the person in the fourth row.

It's an AI actor! shouts someone.

Correct, says Vello. Or....is it?

He whips off his gloves.

What? Gloves that look like weird fingers?

So you see, ladies and gentlemen and children, it is not easy to spot AI effects. And so we are offering a small prize at the end of the performance for the most successful spotter.

You should be good at this, Hedley, whispers Hedley's mother.

What's the prize? calls Hedley.

HEDLEY! says his mother.

The prize for best spotter is a personal poem composed on the spot by one of our cast members, the multi-talented Arthur Rimbaud! says Vello.

A ripple of interest flows through the audience.

Backstage, Sweezus whispers something to Arthur.

Arthur shakes his head.

Or, continues Vello, a small prop of your choice, as a memento.

They had fake diamonds last year! says someone.

I suggest you keep your eyes peeled, says Vello. And ENJOY!

He exits the stage. 

Time for Scene One.

The Escape From Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide and Cunégonde are sitting on a couch.

Don Issachar comes in with a dagger.

You Galilean bitch! shouts Don Issachar. 

Candide stands, draws his sword, and Don Issachar falls to the floor, dead as a doornail.

Holy Virgin! cries Cunégonde! What now? If the police come we are done for!

Let us consult the the old woman, says Candide.

The old woman enters, flickering a little.

The audience stares at her fingers.

Perhaps she' s got those fake gloves on.

But what about her face?

Doesn't it look rather young? 

To Act As A Tail

Tonight is the first night of AI CANDIDE! ( the eye-catching title).

Arthur is giving out fliers.

Someone accepts one.

Hey! says the person. I saw this show last year.

Not this one, says Arthur. It has AI effects.

Like what? asks the person.

Like this, says Arthur, pushing his hair back to show his red-tipped ears and arched eyebrows.

That's just makeup, says the person.

Then what about this? says Arthur, unarching his eyebrows.

That was just you unarching your eyebrows, says the person. And you've still got red ears. Make them go back to normal.

Later, says Arthur. 

Weren't you in it last year, when they gave out free seeds? asks the person. That was good. Are you  giving out freebies?

What we're doing, says Arthur, is asking the audience to identify which parts are AI. 

That should be easy, says the person. Look at the fingers. Is there a prize?

There could be, says Arthur.

Sometimes it's best to remain enigmatic.

So are you coming? asks Arthur. It starts in half an hour.

I could do, says the person, shoving the flyer into his pocket and walking away.

Arthur joins the rest of the cast in the tiny space behind the Piglet.

Any interest? asks Vello. 

There is now, says Arthur. 

What do you mean? asks Vello. I hope you haven't been offering free seeds. We don't have any.

Just a hint that there might be a prize, says Arthur. 

What for? asks Vello.

Guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Arthur. 

Sweezus, who is buttoning up his suit, overhears this.

Cool idea, says Sweezus. Everyone's into it.

Are they? says Vello. I should think it would be fairly obvious.

So would I, says David. Apparently you look at the fingers.

Fingers! says Vello. Horses don't have fingers!

And joins, says David. Remember the Princess of Wales and her photos?

What's this? asks Belle, swishing over in her newly split skirt.

It seems we're giving out prizes for guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Vello.

One prize, says Arthur.

And what might that be? asks Vello. 

Up to you, says Arthur.

Vello casts about for ideas.

Maybe a signed autograph? 

A prop, of minimal value?

A poem? Yes, a poem by Arthur. Let him come up with a suitable one in hurry.

But in fact, the problem is already solving itself.

Terence, wishing to give Gloopy an excellent adventure, has tied the vinegar bottle to his waist by a string, and is keeping it hidden, temporarily, in the back of his shorts.

To act as a tail.

Look Out From Under

Sweezus fiddles again with his equipment.

A second horse appears, with Terence's face.

Very impressive, says Gaius. And I understand there's a virtual old lady.

There is, says Belle. It's me in your old lady costume, but with your face.

May I see it? asks Gaius.

Sweezus calls up the old lady with Gaius's face.

And does it say my lines? asks Gaius.

Sure does, says Sweezus.

He presses a button.

"We can't count the dead one", says the virtual old lady, in Gaius's voice.

Where did that come from? asks Vello.

Not too sure, says Sweezus.

I said that in Tasmania, says Gaius. Terence had told you we'd seen twelve maugean skates. And I said we can't count the dead one.

Why not? asks David.

Because we were there to count live ones, says Gaius. 

Gloopy WAS alive, says Terence. 

You gave it a name? says Belle. That was cute.

I don't know about that, says Gaius. But Terence insisted on bringing it with him.

On an adventure, says Terence.

And where is it now? asks Belle.

Somewhere, says Terence.

Belle! says Vello. We need to get on with this rehearsal. Are you riding on Terence or what?

Let's try it, says Belle. Get under my skirt, Terence. Not that way, facing the front. Now look out from under it. Are you ready?

Neigghh! says Terence.

Belle jogs forward.

Terence disappears under the skirt.

We need to move off together, says Belle.

They try again. 

This time it works, to a point.

But when you turn to go off stage, the audience can't see the horse, says Vello.

I'll just give it a tail, says Sweezus. 

Yeah, he can easily impose a virtual tail on Belle's back view.

Won't that look like it's MY tail? asks Belle

Yeah it might, says Sweezus. What if I do you a whole horse's back side?

No, thank you, says Belle. The audience knows I'm on horseback. They've seen Terence's face.

Right, let's do this, says Vello. Mount your horses and ride off the stage.

Gaius attempts to mount his virtual horse.

And fails.

It may look like a real horse, but it isn't.

Too Small To Be Ridden

It's eating the buns! says Belle. How is that even possible?

It only appears to be eating the buns, says Sweezus.

Then where are the buns? asks Vello.

Everyone looks for the buns,

Except of course for the AI horse, who has eaten them.

After all, this was his chance.

The entire knowledge of the internet is at its disposal.

It knows horses like buns. It knows Terence can't eat them.

But it does not know what will happen if he eats them via Terence's face.

The following is what happens.

The door of the rehearsal room opens and Gaius walks in, with Terence.

Here we are, ready for duty, says Gaius. Where is my cushion?

Where's my horse? asks Terence.

There, says Belle. And you won't believe this, but it's eaten our buns.

Let's see, says Terence.

He runs across to the AI horse with his face.

Can it talk? asks Terence.

Of course I can talk, says Terence's face.

Woop! says Terence. And can you eat anything?

Only buns so far, says Terence's face.

What do they taste like? asks Terence.

Like sandpaper, says Terence's face.

Hear that? says Sweezus.

I heard that, says David. Why should the buns taste like sandpaper to a horse with Terence's face. A virtual horse at that. 

Yes, says Vello. Logically the buns shouldn't taste like anything.

And they shouldn't have disappeared, says Belle.

Is this my cushion? asks Gaius. 

Yes, says Vello. Tie it on. We're about to finish rehearsing scene three, the escape to Cadiz, on three horses.

Excellent, says Gaius.

Am I going to be one of them? asks Terence.

You already are, says Sweezus. That's your face. And I'm cloning two others.

One other, says Terence. One has to be the real me.

We don't have a horse costume, says Belle. 

And you're too small to be ridden, says David. 

Belle could ride me, says Terence. 

Actually I could, says Belle. At least I could seem to be riding. My long skirt would cover my feet.

What an idea! says Vello. We don't want this scene to look comical.

But I want to be in it! cries Terence.

We all want you to be in it, says Belle.

Rumble-rumble-BLUUURCH!!

The AI horse with Terence's face is gaining a new piece of data.

It not only has Terence's face, but his digestive system.

Terence watches as five half-chewed buns spew out onto the floor.

This should be good for his chances.

Head For The Buns

Late next morning, the final rehearsal.

Scene one. The Old Lady, Candide and Cunégonde escape to Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide has just killed Don Issachar and the Grand Inquisitor.

They lie dead on the floor.

Excellent! says Vello That looks realistic.

Thanks, says Candide.

Continue, says Vello.

What will happen to me now? asks Cunégonde. If the police come, we are done for!

Let us ask the old lady, says Candide.

But of course there is no old lady. She's still at the Adelaide airport.

No worries, says Candide. I've got this.

He fiddles with his AI equipment.

An old lady appears, with Cunégonde's face.

There are three thoroughbreds in the stables. says the old lady in Cunégonde's voice.

Hey, says Cunégonde. You've called up the wrong version.

Shit-a-brick! says Candide. 

The old lady with Cunegonde's face flickers, and goes out.

A new old lady appears in her place.

This one has Gaius's face, and Gaius's half-bottom.

I'll go and saddle the horses, says Candide. He exits the stage.

This had better work, grumbles Vello.

Candide returns leading what looks like a horse, with the face of an infant. 

Where are we going? asks the horse.

Huh? says Candide.

Extemporise, hisses Cunégonde.

To Cadiz, says Candide to the horse.

Then three horses are needed! says the horse.

I don't remember any of this, says Vello. But it's good. Keep it in.

They break for a late morning coffee, and a big plate of buns. 

Do I smell coffee? asks David, entering the rehearsal room.

Help yourself, says Vello.

How's the rehearsal going? asks David. Is it me yet?

We're still sorting out the horses, says Vello.

Is that one of them? asks David, pointing to the horse with Terence's face.

It is, says Vello. 

The horse with Terence's face is an AI horse.

Neither a real horse nor Terence.

It has a mind of it's own. An AI mind.

It decides it will head for the buns.

The Flickering Lady

The next part of Scene Three.

My dear Candide, says Arthur (the German Colonel), together we shall rescue my sister.

That's what I long for, says Sweezus. For I'm hoping to marry her.

You insolent fellow! says Arthur. 

He strikes Sweezus with the flat of his sword.

Sweezus draws his sword and plunges it into Arthur's stomach.

Arthur dies, in a long drawn out action.

Where's the blood? says Vello.

Coming, says Sweezus. Give me a minute

And why is SHE there? asks Vello.

Who? asks Sweezus.

Is it Cunégonde or the old lady? asks Vello. She keeps flickering.

Neither of them are meant to be there, says Sweezus. 

It seems you're not fully in control of your AI effects, says Vello.

It's difficult when I'm acting, says Sweezus.

You should have said, says Vello. Give it to Belle, she can do it.

What do I do? asks Belle.

Produce some blood and get rid of the flickering woman, says Vello.

Belle looks at the flickering woman. 

Is that me? says Belle. Why is my bottom enormous?

It's you in Gaius's costume, says Sweezus. I haven't added his face.

So it's got my face! says Belle. How do I delete it?

Don't delete it! says Sweezus. It's the only copy with the cushion!

Too late.

Belle has deleted the whole flickering lady including her bottom and face.

Fuck, says Sweezus. Now it's back to square one.

Can't we just do without this AI stuff? asks Belle.

People expect it, says Vello. 

Belle fiddles with Sweezus's equipment.

All at once Arthur is covered in blood.

AI blood, not real blood.

So the rehearsal has been partly successful.

Tomorrow morning, says Vello. Final rehearsal. I expect Gaius and Terence to be here, and the horse scene to go like clockwork.

No worries, says Sweezus. 

He is confident it will go like clockwork.

Wait. No he isn't. 

Not now that Belle has deleted herself.

Shit! He'll have to reconstruct the old lady!

The German Colonel In The Arbour

Back in Adelaide, Vello holds a rehearsal.

Listen up, everyone, says Vello, I've been talking to Gaius.

Is he coming? asks Belle.

He's crossing Bass Strait as we speak, says Vello. And he gave me some valuable feedback regarding the cushion.

His buttock cushion? says Belle. 

That's the one, says Vello. It seems at least one person thought it was funny.

It was funny, says Belle. Is he bringing it with him?

I doubt he travelled all the way to Tasmania with it, says Vello. It'll be in the costume box.

Belle starts looking.

Sweezus and Arthur arrive for the rehearsal.

You're late, says Vello. How's the AI thing going?

Good, says Sweezus. I've perfected the horse and I've streamlined the old lady.

Better unstreamline her, says Belle. She's funnier with the cushion.

No worries, says Sweezus. Is that the cushion?

Belle has found it, and is holding it up.

Sweezus takes his phone out.

Want me to put the old lady's skirt on? asks Belle. With the cushion?

Yeah, that would help, says Sweezus.

She ties the cushion to one side of her bottom, with strings that remain from last year. Then she puts the skirt on.

Sweezus makes a video of her from all angles.

I thought Gaius was coming, says Arthur.

He is, says Vello, but we need the AI effects. The audience will expect it.

Only because you advertised it in your flyer, says Belle.

I know, says Vello. I hope I won't regret it.

You won't, says Sweezus. I've got the hang of it now.

Right, says Vello. Tonight were rehearsing Scene Three, the German Colonel in the Arbour.

That's me, says Arthur.

Watch this, says Sweezus.

He calls up the special AI effects of an Arbour.

A pretty colonnade of green and gold marble with lattice work cages filled with hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets and guinea fowl. And a table containing gold plates and a luxurious dinner.

O well done, says Vello. Cue, Arthur!

Arthur steps forward. His face changes. He now has red tips to his ears, and arched eyebrows.

He looks like a German Colonel.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

Westphalia, says Sweezus, I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh.

You don't say? says the German Colonel. So was I!

How extraordinary! says Sweezus.

Can this really be you? exclaims the German Colonel.

They fall back in amazement, embrace each other, and burst into tears.

Arthur likes this part, and the next part is even better........

Night Passage

Surfing-with-Whales and Gaius come back to their recliners.

Now to try and get some sleep, says Gaius.

He lifts his backpack off the recliner and shoves it underneath.

He picks up the vinegar bottle.

What are you doing with my herring? asks Terence.

He can go on the floor, says Gaius. I don't want him in my backpack leaking all over my notes.

He'll roll away! says Terence. Let me have him.

All right, says Gaius. 

He hands Terence the vinegar bottle and sits down on the recliner.

Teeth! says Gaius.

He pulls out his  backpack and starts to feel for his toothbrush.

Finds it, and heads off to the washroom.

Surfing-with-Whales looks up from the game he had started playing.

I've got Gloopy, says Terence. 

Is that what you're calling him? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Yes, says Terence. It's a good name. 

Yeah, he looks like a gloopy, says Surfing-with-Whales. And your shorts still smell bad, by the way.

Maybe someone should wash them, says Terence.

Like you, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Not me, says Terence. 

It sure won't be me, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Terence.

Gaius comes back with clean teeth.

He checks his phone.

Ah! a missed call from Vello.

He calls Vello.

Gaius? says Vello. Are you expecting to be here by Thursday?

Yes, says Gaius. We're on the Spirit of Tasmania right now.

Excellent, says Vello. I'm still not sure about this AI version. It seems to have a mind of its own.

Surely not, says Gaius. Doesn't it do what it's told?

Not necessarily, says Vello. It seems to object to some parts of the script.

Example? says Gaius.

You know where you say 'He showed me how I was degrading myself by belonging to an Israelite?'

I do know, says Gaius.

Well it won't say it, says Vello.

Have you tried getting round it? asks Gaius. Or explaining the context?

Of course we have. says Vello. Sweezus is working on it. I just want to be certain you'll be there on the night, with your cushion.

I shall certainly try, says Gaius. By the way I've recently had feedback about the cushion.

Enlighten me, says Vello.

The chap in the bike hire shop in Devonport thought it was funny, says Gaius. He'd been to one of our past productions, and that was the part he remembered.

A detail! says Vello. And that's what he remembered!

He was there with his girlfriend, says Gaius. 

Herring Voice

It's seven pm.

The Spirit of Tasmania is crossing Bass Strait.

Terence is standing at the railing looking skywards.

You won't see him, says Gaius. 

I know, says Terence.

I'm going to have something to eat now, says Gaius. Are you coming?

Okay says Terence.

They go to the cafeteria, where Surfing-with-Whales is already eating.

What are you eating? asks Gaius. 

Cape Grim roast beef, says Surfing with-Whales.

Do you recommend it? asks Gaius.

No, says Surfing-with-Whales. You should order the pasta.

What can I have? asks Terence.

How about a red drink? asks Gaius.

Can I take it back to my recliner? asks Terence.

I don't see why not, says Gaius.

He orders the Farfalle pasta with alfredo sauce, and a red drink for Terence.

Terence takes his red drink back to his recliner.

His recliner is in between two other recliners, one of which holds Gaius's backpack and a vinegar bottle, the other Surfing-with-Whales' s backpack and the skateboard.

Terence relaxes on his recliner, sipping his drink.

The third baby skate ( sorry, herring)  relaxes as only the dead can, in his vinegar bottle.

This is an overnight trip, says Terence, to his herring. You can be on my recliner, if you like.

The herring continues relaxing.

But, says Terence, you might not want to be next to my skateboard.

The herring offers no opinion.

Because it might make you sad, says Terence.

If the herring was not dead, it would have to think about this. Would seeing the skateboad make him sad?

Who are you talking to? asks a little girl who has seen Terence and asked her parents if she can go and make friends with him.

My herring, says Terence. He's in this bottle.

What's his name? asks the little girl.

Gloopy, says Terence (which is a reasonable stab at clupea harengus).

Is he dead? asks the little girl.

Yes, says Terence. And he's on an adventure.

Hello Gloopy, says the little girl. Do you like your adventure?

I love my adventure, says Terence in a herring voice.

That was a good herring voice, says the little girl.

I'm an actor, says Terence. I'm going home to be in a play.

Is it a fish play? asks the little girl.

Why would it be a fish play? asks Terence.

Come along Molly! calls her mother. Time to sleep now!

Bye, says Molly.

Neigghhh! says Terence. 

A horse play! says Molly. 

Correct, says Terence. Bye!

Molly goes off, and Terence rolls over on his recliner to check on Gloopy.

Who seems okay.

Weird Play

Gaius pulls up outside Devonport Bike Hire.

Surfing-with-Whales is inside, talking to Damo.

Yeah, turns out the skates've got a bright future, says Surfing-with-Whales. That's if you believe the environment minister.

So you'll be heading home, says Damo.

Yep, says Surfing-with-Whales. Back to Adelaide, while the Fringe is still on.

Cool, says Damo. I went once. 

What did you go to? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Heaps of things, says Damo. Stand-up, mainly, and my girlfriend took me to see this weird play. 

My friends are in a weird play this year, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

No kidding? says Damo. 

Here they are now, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I've booked our tickets for tonight's crossing, says Gaius. 

I heard you're in a weird play, back in Adelaide, says Damo. 

Not too weird, I hope, says Gaius.

I'm in it, says Terence. I'm a horse, or I might be three horses. 

That is kind of weird, says Damo. What's the play called?

Candide, says Gaius. An excerpt. Using AI this time, which is why Terence can play all three horses.

That rings a bell, says Damo. Candide was the weird play I saw. There was this old lady in it with only one buttock. It was like she had a cushion under her skirt on one side, so on that side it looked massive, and on the other side it looked like she didn't have a bum cheek. Soldiers were meant to have eaten it.

That was I, says Gaius. I specialise in playing the old lady. This year I hope, thanks to AI, we'll be able to do away with the cushion.

It won't be as good, says Damo. The cushion was funny. 

I value your opinion, says Gaius. Now, how much do we owe you?

Call it two hundred, says Damo. Better check the bikes first though.

They go outside.

Looks fine, says Damo. How was the pullalong?

Good, says Terence. So was my skateboard. 

The one I gave you? says Damo.

Yes, the skates had a go on it, says Terence. They learned how to do tricks. But third baby skate had an accident because he was ......

Never mind that, says Gaius.

And now he's a herring, says Terence. 

Ha ha, laughs Damo. You should put that in your play.

Post-Life Adventure

By mid afternoon, they arrive in Devonport, in time to book seats on the ferry.

Gaius goes to the ticket office, with Terence.

Travelling with a vehicle? asks the booking officer.

No, says Gaius. We hired bikes. 

What about my skateboard? asks Terence.

No charge for a skateboard, says the booking officer. So, two adults and one child?

And one parrot and one baby skate, says Terence.

We don't need to pay for them, says Gaius.

Baby skate? says the booking officer. Not a maugean skate, I hope. 

Yes, says Terence.

No, says Gaius. It's more like a herring.

In a tin? asks the booking officer.

A bottle, says Gaius. It's a gift for my colleague's mother. He bought her some green peppercorn cheese, but we were obliged to eat it.

Mainland? asks the booking officer. That's a good cheese.

Indeed, says Gaius.

And what was that about a parrot? asks the booking officer.

It's an oystercatcher, not a parrot, says Gaius. It usually makes its own way.

All right, that will be three hundred and fifty seven dollars, says the booking officer. For two adults, one child and no extras.

Gaius pays.

Now to return the mountain bikes and the pullalong to Devonport Bike Hire.

You lied, says Terence, as Gaius lifts him into the pullalong. 

A white lie, says Gaius. Not entirely justified, but harmless.

What's a herring? asks Terence.

A clupea harengus, says Gaius.

Terence picks up the bottle containing the not entirely justified but harmless clupea harengus.

That's you now, says Terence.

The dead baby skate drifts up and down in the vinegar.

Enjoying his post-life adventure.

Not Cruel Disrespectful

An unchewed lump of watermelon flies out of Terence's mouth.

Roo-kai whacks him again.

Terence falls over.

Sorry, says Roo-kai. Just making sure everything came out.

Everything has come out, including the dead baby skate in Terence's pocket.

It lies on the ground, beside the unchewed lump of watermelon.

You might want to get rid of that, says Roo-kai.

No way, says Terence. It's having an adventure.

It's starting to smell, says Roo-kai.

That proves it, says Terence.

Gaius has been listening.

So has Surfing-with-Whales.

I think, says Gaius, we could say that the dead baby skate's adventure has ended.

No it hasn't, says Terence. He's only in Waratah.

What was his objective? asks Gaius.

To go on the ferry, says Terence.

Maybe we could preserve him, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Do we still have the vinegar? asks Gaius. If he's pickled, he'll be allowed on the ferry.

Are they joking or what?

No. Gaius is looking in his backpack for the vinegar.

The vinegar he used as a dressing for the lettuce, a few days ago.

He finds it. 

Pity we've got nothing to put him in, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Other than the vinegar bottle itself, says Gaius. I'll roll him up and force him inside it.

Roll him up? says Terence. That's cruel.

He's dead, says Gaius. It's not cruel, but it could be seen as disrepectful. The alternative is to leave him here, decomposing. Which do you choose?

Vinegar, says Terence.

So third baby skate is rolled up and forced into the vinegar bottle. Where he begins to unroll but succeeds only partially.

It's to do with the size of the bottle.

Terence is pleased with the outcome.

Now he has third baby skate in a bottle. Third baby skate will continue to enjoy his adventure.

And Terence's shorts won't get smellier.

Gaius and Surfing-with-Whales eat a few chocolate bicuits and hit the road again.

Next stop Devonport, and the ferry.

In His Sorrow

 Waratah. 

This is where we must part from Little Mystic, says Gaius.

After lunch, says Terence.

Yes, after lunch, says Gaius. Perhaps Roo-kai and Little Mystic would like to go off and find something to eat.

Okay, says Roo-kai. Come on, Little Mystic.

They go off.

Now what? asks Terence. 

We wait for Surfing-with-Whales to turn up, says Gaius.

At the waterfall, says Terence.

No, we'll wait here, says Gaius. I'm not dragging the pullalong up to the waterfall.

But he said the waterfall, says Terence.

He'll have to pass this spot first, says Gaius.

They wait.

What's that in your pocket? asks Gaius.

Nothing, says Terence.

Luckily Surfing-with-Whales comes along, with a whole watermelon under his arm. 

I see why you took so long, says Gaius. 

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. It's a big one.

Is that our lunch? asks Gaius.

And some chocolate biscuits, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

Very nice, says Gaius. Shall we sit here? I don't fancy going all the way up to the waterfall.

Sure, says Surfing-with-Whales, getting off his bike and dropping the watermelon.

Gaius takes out a knife and starts hacking.

Guess what? says Terence. I got made into a horse.

When? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

In a video, says Terence. I might be three horses.

Sweezus has been working with AI, says Gaius. 

Good for him, says Surfing-with-Whales. Is he making you into anything?

The old lady I assume, says Gaius. He took a sample of my speech patterns.

The old lady should have her own speech patterns, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That's a good point, says Gaius. But I suppose he knows best.

Yeah right, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Gaius hands him a large slice of watermelon.

Can I have some? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius. It's as much a drink as a food. But chew it properly.

Yay! says Terence. 

Roo-kai comes back, without Little Mystic.

Where's Little Mystic? asks Terence.

He saw his dad, says Roo-kai.

Did he hide? asks Terence.

Yes, says Roo-kai. He did hide. And now I can't find him.

That's as good an outcome as any, says Gaius. We know Little Mystic can fend for himself. And this is his territory.

Boo, says Terence. And I've got no parrot.

In his sorrow, (if that's what it is), he forgets to chew his slice of watermelon properly

And starts choking. Chuah!

You've still got me, says Roo-kai, whacking him on the back with his wing.

 

Which Bit Is Me

Gaius has been pedalling all morning.

Surfing-with-Whales still hasn't caught up.

What can be keeping him? wonders Gaius. 

He stops to check his smart phone for messages.

There's one from Sweezus: CHECK THIS OUT!

It's a video. Sweezus has somehow turned Terence into a horse.

Look at this! says Gaius. It's your face but the rest of you looks like a horse.

Let's see, says Terence. Which bit is me?

The face, says Gaius. I wonder how he did it?

Does that mean I'm in it? asks Terence.

A version of you, says Gaius. They must be doing the scene where Candide, Cunegonde and the old lady escape on a horse.

One horse! says Terence. 

Three horses, says Gaius. 

With my face, says Terence.

What a vision, says Gaius. Now let me check this other message.

It's from Surfing-with-Whales: ON MY WAY.

Gaius texts back: WE'RE STOPPING IN WARATAH.

Surfing-with-Whales texts back: OKAY. MEET @ WATERFALL

Wonderful, says Gaius. We'll have our lunch there, assuming he's done the shopping.

He pedals on, thinking about the old lady, who has only one buttock, riding a horse. 

How have they played that scene in previous times?

They haven't. They've done it off stage, using coconuts.

AI offers a remarkable improvement.

Alarming Possibilities

Gaius gets back on his bike and starts pedalling.

He has left the wet blanket behind, at the side of the road.

He has left a note with it.

"Feel free to make use of this blanket".

Problem solved.

He hopes Surfing-with-Whales won't mind, after all, it was his blanket.

Surfing-with-Whales should have had his breakfast by now. He should have done the shopping, and be catching up shortly. Perhaps he'll spot the blanket. If he wants to pick it up, then he can....

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Of course not, says Gaius. We're just passing through Zeehan. 

Are we stopping? asks Terence.

No, we'll keep going, says Gaius. We'll stop when Surfing-with-Whales catches up, hopefully by lunchtime.

Want me to fly back and see where he is? asks Roo-kai.

I could do it, says Little Mystic.

No, don't you do it, says Gaius.

Why can't he do it? asks Terence.

Because when we get to Waratah we'll be saying goodbye to Little Mystic, says Gaius.

Why? asks Terence.

Because Waratah is where Litle Mystic is from, says Gaius.

But Little Mystic's my parrot, says Terence.

A temporary parrot, says Gaius. We can't take him back to Adelaide on the ferry.

He could fly, says Terence.

Little Mystic looks alarmed by these possiblities.

Don't worry, whispers Terence. You're coming.

I heard that, says Gaius. He's not coming.

Roo-kai flies off, to see how far away Surfing-with-Whales is.

Gaius keeps going.

Little Mystic needs to return to his natural habitat, says Gaius over his shoulder.

Silence in the pullalong.

Like the maugean skates, says Gaius. 

Silence.

Terence fiddles with the dead baby skate in his pocket.

Deep Fake Or Me

They set off, on their bikes.

Gaius is pulling the pullalong, with Terence, Little Mystic and Roo-kai inside.

Surfing-with-Whales is in front.

Breakfast in Strahan? shouts Surfing-with-Whales, over his shoulder.

I've had breakfast! shouts Gaius.

I haven't! shouts Surfing-with-Whales.

Stop off then, and catch up later! shouts Gaius.

Okay! shouts Surfing-with-Whales.

And pick up some snacks! says Gaius. I'll reimburse you. 

No worries! shouts Surfing-with-Whales, pulling away.

Gaius keeps pedalling.

The pullalong seems heavy.

He slows down and stops.

What? asks Terence.

There seems to be extra weight in the pullalong, says Gaius.

No there isn't, says Terence.

The wet blanket, says Roo-kai. 

Aha! that will be it, says Gaius. I could ditch it, but that doesn't seem like a responsible action.

Try squeezing it out, says Roo-kai.

Hm, says Gaius.

He tries squeezing it out.

A few drops splash onto the road. But the wet blanket remains heavy

His phone rings.

It's Sweezus. 

Hello, Sweezus, says Gaius. You've caught me at an inopportune moment.

Just a quick one, says Sweezus. Can you send me a video of you doing something, and talking.

Whatever for? asks Gaius.

This AI thing, says Sweezus. I've got to make a deep fake of you.

But I'm coming, says Gaius. I'm on my way now, or would be but for this cursed blanket.

Yeah that's great, says Sweezus. Can you say that that again but on Facetime.

No, says Gaius. I need to squeeze out this blanket. I'll get Terence to do it.

He hands Terence his phone. 

Press Facetime, says Gaius.

Terence presses the button for Facetime.

Sweezus sees Terence's face peering at him.

Hey little buddy. What's been happening?

A baby skate died! says Terence. It was trying to escape on my skateboard and Surfing-with-Whales didn't know and he chucked it into the pullalong and it got squashed and died.

That's bad luck, says Sweezus. You guys were supposed to be, like, counting them weren't you?

We did, says Terence. We got up to twelve.

And now it's eleven, says Sweezus.

No it's still twelve, says Terence.

Okay, if you say so,  says Sweezus. But one's dead. Turn the camera on Gaius and tell him to say something.

Terence turns the camera on Gaius.

We can't count the dead one, says Gaius.

Cool, says Sweezus. Say some more stuff.

How does this AI thing work? asks Gaius.

I don't know, says Sweezus. But it's pretty amazing. 

That remains to be seen, says Gaius. Tell me, if I turn up in time, who plays the old lady, the deep fake or me?

Whichever one's better, says Sweezus.

Humph! snorts Gaius.

Only kidding, says Sweezus. Thanks Gaius! Thanks little buddy! See you guys soon.

That was lucky, says Terence. 

What was? asks Gaius.

He didn't ask what I had in my pocket, says Terence.

If Gaius was less concerned about the wet blanket, he might have suspected something at this point.

As Though He Is Sad

Wah! cries Terence. Something's stuck to my skateboard!

What is it? asks Gaius.

He comes over to look.

It's a little grey squashed thing.

Dear me! says Gaius. It's one of the baby skates.

Which one? asks Terence.

Hard to say, says Gaius. This is tragic. As well as an embarrassment.

He peels the little grey squashed thing from the bottom of the skateboard.

I bet it's third baby, says Terence. 

There's no way to tell , says Gaius.

He wanted to come with us, so he clasped onto the skateboard, says Terence.

What's up? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

We've found a squashed baby skate, says Gaius. Probably clinging to the bottom of the skateboard.

Fuck, says Surfing-with-Whales. And I chucked it into the pullalong. 

And he DIED! says Terence.

We'll bury him, says Gaius. Or should we just throw him back in?

Can't he come with us? asks Terence.

Of course not, says Gaius. This is his home.

He didn't like it, says Terence. He said it was boring. 

That will no longer concern him, says Gaius. 

So can he come with us? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. But you can be the one who places him back in the water. Perhaps with an elegaic poem.

Okay, says Terence. Give him to me.

Gaius hands him the squashed third baby.

Terence walks down to the water.

Don't worry, says Terence to squashed third baby. I'm not throwing you in.

He stands at the water's edge, pretending to make up a poem.

What would it be, if he did?

A skate has died/ it wants an adventure/ and it's having one/ who cares if it's died?

This would be a very good poem for a skate that's not getting thrown in the water.

He turns sideways, in case Gaius and Surfing-with-Whales are watching. 

And shoves squashed third baby skate into his gecko shorts pocket.

He walks back slowly, as though he is sad.

All done? asks Gaius. 

Yes, says Terence. 

Then let's get going , says Gaius. If we leave now, we can make it to Devonport by this evening.

It's two hundred and twenty four ks! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Is that a problem? asks Gaius.

Guess not, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Gaius lifts Terence into the pullalong.

Little Mystic and Roo-kai are already in it.

Guess what? whispers Terence.

We know what you did, says Roo-kai.

Beware Of Bright Futures

Gaius, Terence and Surfing-with-Whales return to the campsite.

Surfing-with-Whales carries the skateboard under his arm.

He is thinking about other things, not the skateboard.

Like how much he's put on Lauren's bankcard. And how he and Gaius have eaten her green peppercorn cheese.

So he does not notice what's stuck to the skateboard.

He throws it into the pullalong.

Puuurrrfff!

Nor does he notice the sound.

I'll just make that phone call, says Gaius. Then we'll get going.

He calls Vello.

Hello? says Vello. That you, Gaius?

Yes it's me, says Gaius. I hear you're putting on a Fringe show.

Yes I am, says Vello. Candide, but with a difference.

Sounds interesting, says Gaius. 

I'd have asked you to play the old lady, but you were in Tassie, says Vello.

So who is playing the old lady? asks Gaius.

That's where the difference comes in, says Vello. AI.

AI? says Gaius. Is that someone's initials?

In a manner of speaking, says Vello. 

Surely you don't mean AI, says Gaius. How would that work?

Sweezus is organising it, says Vello. You'd have to ask him.

Are there any parts not cast yet? asks Gaius. Terence is interested.

There's always a part for Terence, says Vello. He was a great hit last year as the hand. And that other time when he played the bright red object. The audience loved him.

They rather liked me, as the old lady with only one buttock, says Gaius.

I know, I know, says Vello. Are you telling me you and Terence are available?

We could be, says Gaius. We're all finished here.

So you've counted the maugean skates? asks Vello. What was the damage?

Hard to say, says Gaius. We only saw twelve. But the official announcement by the environment minister spoke of a bright future.

Beware of bright futures, says Vello.

Indeed, says Gaius. 

Well, my friend, says Vello. If you get here in time, you're welcome to replace the AI.

Sure it won't mind? asks Gaius.

Ha ha! laughs Vello. That's the good thing about AI. And you don't have to pay it.

You don't pay us either, says Gaius.

That's different, says Vello. 

The calls ends on this amicable note.

Good news, Terence! says Gaius.

But Terence has climbed into the pullalong, and made a grim discovery.

Lucky Exit

We'll pass, says Lucius.

I thought you believed yourselves immortal, says Gaius.

Pass with regard to the skateboard, says Pontius. 

So do I get it back? asks Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. 

Not immortal, says Lucius.

I was joking, says Gaius.

It's no joke, says Pontius. We've been here a long time. And nothing has changed until recently.

I know, says Gaius. But it's good news about your numbers increasing. Unless of course, the news is untrue.

How can news be untrue? asks Lucius.

Disinformation, says Gaius. Vested interests. Or it may be a simple case of double counting. 

Double counting, says Pontius. You mean counting us twice?

Not you two, says Gaius. You are less likely to be double counted.

Why is that? asks Lucius.

Because there's two of you already, says Terence. 

That seems illogical, says Pontius. We could be counted as four.

By a blind person, says Terence.

No need to be rude, Terence, says Gaius.

A blind person wouldn't see us at all, says Pontius. Then where would we be?

An existential question, says Gaius. My point was, you are old skates, and you probably don't move about much.

Lucius and Pontius are about to dispute this when Surfing-with-Whales arrives.

Thought you'd be here, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'm getting my skateboard back! says Terence.

Cool, says Surfing-with-Whales. Want me to grab it?

Yes! cries Terence.

Surfing-with-Whales steps into the water and picks up the skateboard.

Water drips from the wheels.

Guess you heard the news, says Surfing-with-Whales. These guys are increasing in numbers. Bright futures, and all that crapola.

Yes I heard, says Gaius. 

So I guess we'll be leaving, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I guess so, says Gaius.

Great, says Surfing-with-Whales. Reckon we'll get back in time for next Thursday? The guys are putting on a Fringe show. Sweezus is in it

Candide again? says Gaius.

Are we in it? asks Terence.

No one has asked us, says Gaius.

Ask them, says Terence. I want to be in it. I'm good at acting.

All right, says Gaius. But first things first. We'll wash down the skateboard, then I'll call Vello.

Lucius and Pontius float in the shallows, not ready to leave yet.

We said we'd do that, says Lucius.

Wash down the skateboard? says Pontius.

Yes, but now we don't have to, says Lucius.

Because we didn't get to go on it, says Pontius.

Look at that! says Lucius. He's using bottled water!

It's true. Surfing-with-Whales is sluicing the skateboard's wheels with bottled water.

Could we have done that? asks Lucius.

They both agree that they couldn't.

Like Shenanigans

Terence has finished lamenting.

No one has come.

He'll have to deal with the problem himself.

He presses down with his elbows and knees.

Splurch! Splurch! Schluuurp!

He seems to rise momentarily and then...

...feels himself sinking.

Need a hand? asks Lucius.

I need my skateboard, says Terence.

It's right here, says Pontius. Shall we push it underneath you?

YES! says Terence.

Lucius and Pontius try to push rhe skateboard under Terence.

Am I on yet? asks Terence.

Lift your appendages, says Lucius.

I don't have any, says Terence.

What are those then? asks Pontius, nudging an arm and a leg.

Okay, I'll lift them instead, says Terence.

He lifts the arm and the leg that Pontius has been nudging.

And topples sideways.

The skateboard gets away.

Hang on to it, Lucius! says Pontius.

Terence stands up.

You could have done that before, says Pontius.

So could you, says Terence.

What? asks Pontius. 

Told me to stand up, says Terence.

We didn't think you could, or you would have done it, says Pontius.

I was lamenting, says Terence.

We didn't hear you, says Lucius, floating back with the skateboard.

I was lamenting in my head, says Terence.

Where are your friends? asks Lucius.

I don't know, says Terence. They're supposed to be coming.

And here they are now.

Terence! says Gaius. Get out of the water!

Guess what? says Terence. 

You fell in face-forward and lay there, instead of trying to stand up, says Gaius.

How did you know? asks Terence.

Little Mystic, says Gaius.

And nobody came, says Terence.

We came, says Pontius.

Ah, there you are, says Gaius. You need to hear this. It has been announced that the future is bright for maugean skates, and therefore salmon farming in Macquarie Harbour will continue.

The future is bright? asks Lucius.

It's seems that lately you've been increasing in numbers, says Gaius.

Some of us may have, says Pontius.

Exactly right, Pontius, says Lucius. It'll be those newbies.

All over the place with their shenanigans, says Pontius.

Are you still wanting a go on the skateboard? asks Gaius.

But skateboarding now seems like shenanigans.

The two old skates can't admit that they want to do that.

Last Bubble Flip

This is unfortunate.

Terence has fallen face-forward into the water.

Little Mystic has not seen what happened, being submerged himself.

Little Mystic surfaces.

Where's Terence?

Terence waits.

His nose in the mud, his gecko shorts ballooning.

Two old skates happen by.

Are we too early? asks Lucius.

Too early, too late, says Pontius.

I don't see a skateboard, says Lucius.

Me either, says Pontius. But what's that thing there?

Are we in Atlantis? asks Lucuis.

Don't be foolish, says Pontius.

They draw closer.

It's that boy, says Lucius. He's fallen into the water.

Where he'll have to remain, says Pontius.

It was his skateboard, says Lucius.

I know, says Pontius. So much for our joy ride.

Little Mystic has seen the ballooning gecko shorts, and paddled up to them.

Kek-kek! says Little Mystic.

But Terence can't speak under water.

He can only lament in his head.

O waley waley! 

The skateboard floats slowly to shore.

Here it is! says Lucius.

Three baby skates emerges from under it.

We were bringng it back, says the third baby skate. But a bird sat on it. And we didn't know. And we did a last bubble flip. And then everything happened.

The boy is flat on his face, underwater, says Pontius.

Does that mean we can keep it for longer? asks third baby skate. 

No! says Lucius. We've been promised a go on it.

Okay, says third baby skate. Good luck, old grandpas!

That's enough of that! says Lucius.

The baby skates zoom off, before they get clipped where it hurts.

Terence is still lamenting.

Waley waley!

Little Mystic has flown off to get help.

Lucius and Pontius feel bad about the entire situation.

A Moment Too Soon

It has been a long night.

But now it is morning.

Is it morning? asks Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. And not a moment too soon.

What if it was a moment too soon? asks Terence.

Then we would have a problem, says Gaius. 

Would the baby skates know? asks Terence.

That is part of the problem, says Gaius. Did the morning come a moment too soon for every creature, or just you and me?

And my parrots, says Terence.

What's this about? asks Little Mystic.

What time do you think it is? asks Terence.

Morning, says Little Mystic.

A moment too soon, says Roo-kai. 

Interesting, says Gaius. 

What is? asks Terence.

I just meant, it's still raining, says Roo-kai.

Curses, says Gaius. 

He pulls the wet blanket aside and looks out at the rain.

Ah! fine weather is coming, says Gaius.

Can we go now? asks Terence.

I need to do one or two things first, says Gaius. 

He gets out of the pullalong and disappears behind a tree.

He comes back, minutes later.

The rain is easing.

Now I'll just grab an apple, says Gaius. Then we'll go. Where's Terence?

He's gone ahead with Little Mystic, says Roo-kai.

We must try to catch up, says Gaius. I don't have full confidence in Little Mystic.

Little Mystic is doing his best, says Roo-kai.

A bit too keen to please Terence, says Gaius. But you've been a good mentor.

Thanks, says Roo-kai.

Terence and Little Mystic have arrived at the spot where the baby skates are to hand over Terence's skateboard.

What if they don't know it's morning? asks Terence.

Why wouldn't they? asks Little Mystic.

They live underwater, says Terence. 

They'll know, says Little Mystic. 

Okay says Terence. Where are they?

I'll fly out over the water, says Little Mystic. When I see them I'll wave.

How? says Terence.

Like this, says Little Mystic, waving a wing.

He flies out over the water.

He looks down.

He sees Terence's skateboard, heading for the shore, with no baby skates on it.

They'll be underneath, thinks Little Mystic.

He drops down and lands on the skateboard. 

Why not cadge a ride?

He waves a wing at Terence who is standing in the shallows, watching.

Suddenly the skateboard flips and Little Mystic disappears underwater.

Terence takes a step forward...

..and loses his balance.

Wah! Sploosh! Squelch-squee!

Curious Boy

It's growing dark. 

A few drops of rain are falling.

Rain! says Surfing-with-Whales. That's it. I'm not camping out here in the rain.

There are trees, says Gaius. As long as we remain under them we won't get too wet.

Yeah well, I'm heading back into Strahan, says Surfing-with-Whales.

As you wish, says Gaius. Perhaps you might leave me the blanket?

Okay, says Surfing-with-Whales.

He gets on his bike and rides off towards Strahan.

He's brave, says Terence.

Brave? says Gaius. He's afraid of the rain.

But not scared of the fire! says Terence.

The rain will put out the fires, says Gaius. And in any case, the fires were travelling in a northerly direction.

Terence sucks on his mango stone.

And thinks about northerly directions.

What are you thinking? asks Gaius.

How do fires know which way to go? asks Terence.

The wind and the upwards terrain, says Gaius. 

Like cardboard, says Terence.

Are you thinking of Saint Roley's brother? asks Gaius.

No, the cardboard he was floating on, says Terence. 

The wind would have been a factor, says Gaius. But not the terrain. Unless you count ocean as a type of terrain, but since terra means earth.....

The rain increases.

This is most inconvenient, says Gaius. The tree does not provide adequate shelter.

He looks aroung for a possible solution.

Roo-kai is perched on the pullalong. 

How about this? says Roo-kai.

Yes! says Gaius, If we turn it on its side we can shelter inside it.

And close up the front with the blanket, says Terence.

Indeed, says Gaius. That will keep us all cosy.

It does. All too cosy.

The pullalong is meant for one small person. Not a man, two birds, one cement infant, and his mango stone, which has become increasingly slippery.

Gaius has to sit with his knees drawn up to his chin.

Terence keeps dropping the mango stone, and scrabbling about in the dark to retrieve it.

Perhaps you have finished it, says Gaius. There can't be much left to suck on.

There IS! says Terence.

This is going to be a long night, says Gaius,

So let's talk, says Terence.

Gaius sighs.

What would you like to talk about? 

The olden days, says Terence.

When I was a young man, says Gaius.

A baby, says Terence.

I have no memory of being a baby, says Gaius.

A boy then, says Terence.

Gaius tries to dredge up his memories of being a boy.

I roamed the banks of Lake Como, says Gaius. 

By yourself, says Terence.

By myself, says Gaius. I was an adventurous and curious boy.

Like me, says Terence.

Except for one thing, says Gaius.

Your hair wasn't curly, says Terence.

Two things, says Gaius.  

If Later Was Now

The mango.

Terence eyes it. 

He has been promised a suck of the stone.

It lies on the ground where Gaius has put it, while he slices the cheese and the apples.

What are you thinking? asks Little Mystic.

Me or the mango? asks Terence.

You, says Little Mystic. 

I wish later was now, says Terence.

So you could have a suck of the stone in the mango? asks Little Mystic.

Yes, says Terence.

I'm your parrot, says Little Mystic. Why don't you ask me to help?

What would you do? asks Terence.

Want to see? asks Little Mystic.

Terence wonders which one of them would be in trouble, him or Little Mystic.

He looks at Gaius, who is slowly slicing an apple....

And Surfing-with-Whales who is playing a game on his phone.

Okay, says Terence.

Little Mystic takes a step towards the mango.

Roo-kai flies down.

Think before acting, says Roo-kai.

Terence wants me to do it, says Little Mystic.

That is not the only consideration, says Roo-kai.

How do you know what he's going to do? asks Terence.

He is planning to pierce the mango, says Roo-kai. But he is forgetting.

What am I forgetting? asks Little Mystic.

Your beak is blunt, says Roo-kai. You will ruin the mango.

Then he'll be in trouble, says Terence.

And no one will get any mango, says Roo-kai. Or a suck of the stone.

Even if the mango was ruined, says Terence, the stone might not be.

True, it is hard to ruin a stone inside a mango, says Roo-kai.

But what? asks Terence.

Yes, there is a but, says Roo-kai. I'm glad you thought of it.

I didn't think of it, says Terence. I just knew there would be one.

There is, and it's this, says Roo-kai. Gaius will probably throw it away if it's ruined.

What if I ask him not to? asks Terence.

He will ask questions, says Roo-kai. Who did it? Did they do it of their own accord? If not, who encouraged them to do it?

Who did it? asks Terence.

Yes, says Roo-kai.

I did it, says Little Mystic. So maybe I'd better not do it.

Gaius stops slicing apples.

Right! says Gaius. That's the cheese and the apples. Now for the mango.

What luck, says Roo-kai. Gaius is going to cut up the mango.

Yay!

Everyone is relieved.

Except for the mango.

Eyeing The Mango

Gaius returns with some Golden Delicious apples, and cheese.

Dinner is served, says Gaius.

Is that all you bought? asks Surfing-with Whales.

From his shorts pocket, Gaius produces a mango.

A special treat, says Gaius. By the way, do you smell smoke?

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. Must be a fire somewhere.

There is, says Gaius. It's close to Zeehan.

Shit a brick! says Surfing-with-Whales. 

What? asks Terence. 

That's where we were, says Surfing-with-Whales. Remember the museum and the Spray Tunnel?

Yikes! says Terence. 

What? asks Little Mystic.

Fire! says Terence. We're in trouble!

We'll be fine, says Gaius. We are right near the water. Who's for some cheese?

What do I get? asks Terence.

Gaius looks apologetic.

Perhaps you could suck on the mango.

Yay! says Terence. Can I suck on it now?

Not yet, says Gaius. Surfing-with-Whales and I will dine on the cheese and apples. Then I'll slice up the mango. After which you may suck on the stone.

What do I do while I'm waiting? asks Terence.

What were you doing before? asks Gaius.

Playing cannot but skate with Little Mystic, says Terence. 

And me, says Surfing-with-Whales.

You were rubbish, says Terence. That's why I didn't say you were playing.

I thought the game was cannot but be, says Gaius.

It was, but I changed it, says Terence. 

How do you play this new version? asks Gaius.

The answer is cannot but skate, says Surfing-with-Whales. The hard part is forming the question.

Gaius thinks, as he looks for a knife with which to slice up the cheese.

How about this question, says Gaius. What if a fire is approaching?

I know! says Terence. Cannot but skate!

Correct, says Gaius. But can you explain why?

Is that part of the game? asks Surfing-with-Whales. No one told me.

It's a modification, says Gaius. An introduction of some kind of logic.

Because, says Terence, if the fire comes I jump on my skateboard and zoom into the water.

Indeed, says Gaius. So you cannot but skate.

And what does 'but' mean in that answer? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Do anything other than, says Gaius. 

Hear that, Terence. Do anything other than, says Surfing-with-Whales.

But Terence is doing something other than listening. 

He is eyeing the mango.

What But Means

Now you ask a question, says Terence. 

Okay, says Little Mystic. 

He tries to think of a suitable question.

One to which the answer has to be cannot but skate.

What happens if you don't have a skateboard? asks Little Mystic.

That's a good one, says Terence.

What's the answer? asks Little Mystic.

Cannot but skate, says Terence.

Correct! says Little Mystic.

How's that correct? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Because it's always the answer, says Terence.

Not to that question, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Terence looks at Little Mystic. 

It was his question.

Little Mystic attempts to explain.

If you don't have a skateboard, you can't skate, says Little Mystic.

Correct! says Terence. I don't have one, that's why I'm playing cannot but skate.

You guys don't know what but means, says Surfing-with-Whales. Cannot but skate means the only thing you CAN do is skate.

Everyone knows what but means, says Terence. 

Okay, says Surfing-with-Whales. What does it mean?

It means you might have to do something else, says Terence.

Give me an example, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That was an example, says Terence. You should go and do something else.

Gaius asked me to watch you, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Terence. We're playing cannot but skate. And it's your turn.

Surfing-with-Whales hesitates.

Want some help? asks Terence.

No thanks, says Surfing-with-Whales. Here's a question that will make you both think. What if you DO have a skateboard?

Cannot but skate, says Terence.

Correct, says Surfing-with-Whales. Now do you see what I'm getting at?

Yes, says Terence. 

What was he getting at? asks Little Mystic.

A question, says Terence. Not as good as your question, but he tried.

Cannot But Skate

Now what? asks Terence.

We wait for next morning, says Gaius. 

Can I wait here? asks Terence.

Certainly not, says Gaius. Anything might happen.

I'd sit down and watch, says Terence.

Not much to see in the dark, says Gaius.

Come on Terence, says Felicia. The night will go faster with something to do.

And I wouldn't go into the water, says Terence.

Weren't you listening, says Felicia.

It goes faster with something to do, says Terence. You could stay here with me.

Sorry no, says Felicia. I'm working tomorrow. 

That reminds me, says Gaius. What time does the IGA close?

Five o'clock, says Felicia.

I need to buy something for dinner, says Gaius.

Better get going then, says Felicia.

Gaius and Felicia start walking back to the campsite.

Terence follows, not fast.

Little Mystic flies up behind him, and lands on his shoulder.

Get off! says Terence.

You're in a bad mood, says Little Mystic.

I'm not allowed to do anything, says Terence.

What did you want to do? asks Little Mystic.

Stay down by the water and wait for the morning, says Terence. When my skateboard comes back.

Where has it been? asks Little Mystic.

The baby skates took it, says Terence. They were bored. Now they aren't, but I am.

I'll wait with you, says Little Mystic. 

Where? asks Terence.

At the campsite, says Little Mystic. But we can come back really early. 

How early? asks Terence.

Before the sun comes up, says Little Mystic.

Okay, says Terence. We can play cannot-but-skate

What's that? asks Little Mystic.

It's like cannot-but-be, says Terence, But the answer is cannot-but-skate.

You'll have to explain it, says Little Mystic.

I just did, says Terence.

They are now back at the campsite.

Felicia has left to go home. 

Gaius is talking to Surfing-with-Whales.

Tomorrow morning, says Gaius. We recover the skateboard, and two older skates have promised to return for a joyride.

Cool, says Surfing-with-Whales. What's for dinner?

One of us needs to hurry to the IGA, before it closes, says Gaius.

You go, says Surfing-with-Whales. I'm a bit short of money.

Fine, says Gaius. Keep an eye on young Terence.

Sure, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Gaius goes off.

Surfing-with-Whales joins Terence and Little Mystic, who have started to play cannot-but-skate.

Cannot-but-skate! says Little Mystic.

Correct! says Terence.

Surfing-with-Whales tries to imagine the question

Wheels Are Redundant

Lucius and Pontius turn and swim off.

We need to talk about tomorrow, says Lucius.

We do, says Pontius. First of all what time is early?

That's not the main thing, says Lucius.

I suppose not, says Pontius. What is?

We agreed to wash down the skateboard when we've finished, says Lucius.

O that, says Pontius. 

So how do we do it? asks Lucius.

How were THEY going to do it? asks Pontius.

A pertinent question, says Lucius.

We'll ask them, says Pontius. After all, we didn't agree to provide our own water.

You've set my mind at rest, says Lucius.

They are nearing the place where the baby skates are playing on the skateboard.

Stay back, says Lucius. Let us observe them.

Good idea Lucius, says Pontius. We don't want to look like complete amateurs tomorrow.

My thoughts exactly, says Lucius.

They drift down to the muddy bottom and gaze upwards.

Most of the baby skates have become experts on the skateboard.

They go one at a time.

Clasping  with one clasper. Doing ollies and nollies, flips, shoves, slides and grinds.

They'll  be developing bones next, says Pontius.

Doubtless, says Lucius. Then they will see the disadvantage.

Too late, says Pontius.

Perhaps not, says Lucius. They're returning the skateboard tomorrow,

These things have a away of perpetuating themselves, says Pontius.

I know what you mean, says Lucius. They will  probably try to replicate the skateboard.

Thankfully there's not much in the way of dragon-logs down here, says Pontius.

A mysid floats by.

Lucius snaps it. 

Or wheels, says Pontius.

Lucius would point out that the wheels are redundant, but his mouth's full of shrimp at the moment.

Bones Are No Asset

If there's nothing else, says Lucius, we'll be going.

Yes, many thanks for the crab, says Pontius.

Please stay a bit longer, says Gaius. I have more questions.

Fire away, says Lucius. 

What are your current numbers? asks Gaius.  An estimate will do.

Two, says Lucius. 

There are surely more of you than that, says Gaius. We've counted ten babies.

They will not last, say Pontius.

Interesting you should say that, says Gaius.

They are not fitting in, says Lucius. I wouldn't be surprised if they morph into something with bones.

You mean them, or their future progeny? asks Gaius.

Them, says Lucius. One only has to watch them fooling about on the skateboard.

No doubt how bones are developed, says Pontius.

It takes a bit longer than that, says Gaius. And furthermore, bones are probably no asset on a skateboard.

Why so? asks Lucius.

Nothing to be broken, says Gaius. Soft landings when you fall off.

I hadn't considered that, says Lucius. Had you, Pontius?

No, says Pontius, I had not.

Perhaps you'd like a go on the skateboard yourselves, says Gaius. 

Not with those newbies watching, says Lucius. 

Otherwise it would be tempting, says Pontius.

We're getting it back at some stage, says Gaius. Let me ask Felicia when that might be.

He calls Felicia, who is talking to Terence.

They both come over.

When are we getting the skateboard back? asks Gaius.

Tomorrow morning, says Felicia.

Early, says Terence.

They didn't say early, says Felicia.

And then we have to wash it, says Terence. 

Wash it? says Lucius. Won't it already be wet?

The wheels may go rusty, says Gaius. 

They won't go rusty, says Pontius. Not in our water.

Is it so low in oxygen? asks Gaius.

Very low, says Lucius.

In that case, says Gaius, I'm sure Terence won't mind you two having a turn before he washes it.

Terence had been looking forward to washing his skateboard, and then drying it. And then having a go.

Okay, says Terence. If THEY wash it.

I don't think... begins Gaius.

But Lucius and Pontius are already agreeing.

In Defence Of The Theory

Be that as it may, says Lucius. This place has not changed since those days.

Until recently, says Pontius.

Yes, until recently, says Lucius. 

In what way? asks Gaius. 

More microbial activity on the bottom, says Pontius.

Due to fallen fish food and faeces, says Lucius.  

From those dratted fish farms, says Pontius.

That's part of the reason I'm here, says Gaius.

Good luck with that, says Lucius.

Don't misunderstand me, says Gaius. I'm here to see how you're doing.

We're doing fine, says Pontius. It's those newbies who aren't.

They claim to be bored, says Lucius.

They did, says Pontius. Until today.

What happened today? asks Gaius.

They found a log with wheels, says Lucius. 

Decorated with dragons, says Pontius.

That is our skateboard, says Gaius. We're in the process of getting it back.

That is good news and bad news, says Lucius.

Like most things, says Gaius.

Are you sure you're not a fellow Gondwanian? asks Lucius. You seem very wise.

But I can't agree with your fish bone theory, says Gaius.

Our memories are long, says Pontius.

And lacking in incident, says Lucius.

Which is not a great defence of the theory.

A brief silence ensues. 

Seeing we've been lured here, says Pontius, do we get a share of the mud crab?

You'll have to ask Roo-kai about that, says Gaius. 

I'm willing to share it, says Roo-kai. One third each. What do you say?

That seems very reasonable, says Lucius.

Reasonable indeed, says Pontius. Who'll do the honours?

I will, says Roo-kai.

He rips the mud crab apart, using only his beak.

Bravo! says Pontius. It's a big one.

They dig in.

Yum! It's tastier than shrimps.

Flawed Logic

Let us follow the flying mud crab, says Lucius. 

If it is a flying mud crab, says Pontius.

It's heading for the shore, say Lucius. 

So it is, says Pontius. Do we want to go there?

Let's decide en route, says Lucius. Otherwise we'll lose it.

Good thinking, says Pontius.

They follow the flying mud crab.

It's not far to the shore.

Before they have decided if they want to go there, they are there

And the mud crab has landed.

Lucius and Pontius float in as near as they dare.

The mud crab is half in and half out of the water.

Looks like an ordinary mud crab, says Lucius.

A dead one, says Pontius. The question is how did it fly?

Neither of them has noticed Roo-kai's thin red legs standing nearby.

Roo-kai steps towards them.

Oystercatcher! shouts Pontius. 

Fear not, says Roo-kai. I see you have followed my crab.

Your crab, says Lucius. Are you planning to eat it?

I am, says Roo-kai, but only after I have completed my mission.

You intrigue us, says Lucius.

You do, says Pontius. What is your mission?

To lure you to shore with this crab, says Roo-kai.

To what end? asks Pontius.

To this end, says Roo-kai. Gaius Plinius Secundus wishes to speak with you.

A fellow Gondwanian? says Lucius.

I don't know about that, says Roo-kai. He's always claimed to be an ancient Roman.

Gaius has ventured into the shallows, and overheard this.

I am he of whom Roo-kai speaks, says Gaius. What's this about a fellow Gondwanian? 

Your names, says Pontius. 

They are Roman names, says Gaius. A praenomen, nomen and cognomen. 

We make do with Lucius and Pontius, says Lucius. And have done so for ever.

This is most interesting, says Gaius. So you believe you have lived in Macquarie Harbout for ever?

If our memory serves us, says Pontius.

Because, says Gaius, it is currently thought that the life span of a maugean skate is fifteen at the most.

Eons? asks Lucius.

Years, says Gaius.

Ho ho! says Pontius. 

What is your side of the story? asks Gaius.

We come from a time when fish had no bones, says Lucius. And we still have no bones  Ergo...

That is flawed logic, says Gaius.

When Bad Eyesight Is Good

What about tomorrow? asks Felicia.

Okay, says third baby skate. Terence can have his skateboard back tomorrow.

Promise? asks Felicia.

Promise, says third baby skate.

Shall I swim back out here, or will you deliver it? asks Felicia.

We'll deliver it, says third baby skate.

How come you're the one deciding? asks another baby skate.

I was the first one to use it, says third baby skate.

And me, says the friend who was the other first one to use it.

And we both agree, says third baby skate. Don't we?

Do you? asks Felicia.

Yes, says the friend.

Okay, deal, says Felicia. I'll leave you to your fun with the skateboard.

The baby skates go back to their fun. Felicia turns to swim back to shore, when she sees Roo-kai with the dead mud crab.

Where'd you get that? asks Felicia.

It fell out of Gaius's sock, says Roo-kai.

Dead? asks Felicia.

Not initially, says Roo-kai. But we're making the best of the situation.

How? asks Felicia.

I'm using it as a lure for some old ones, says Roo-kai. They won't have gone far.

Good luck, says Felicia. I'm going back now that I've struck a deal with the babies.

Good work, says Roo-kai. I'll fly around out here.

Felicia swims off, while Roo-kai flies low, in widening circles.

Under the water, Lucius and Pontius are searching for mysids and carids, having given up on finding a mud crab.

I don't mind a nice tasty shrimp. says Lucius.

Several nice tasty shrimps, says Pontius. 

Easier to spot than a mud crab, says Lucius.

Nothing's as easy to spot as it was, says Pontius.

True, old friend, says Lucius. He looks up, in the hope that a shrimp might be passing.

And sees.... can it be, up there....a mud crab skimming the surface of the water?

Do you see what I see? asks Lucius.

Pontius looks up.

What is it?

A flying mud crab, says Lucius. Or am I hallucinating?

They both rise to a few centimetres below the surface.

Roo-kai spots them and stops circling. 

Now what will happen?

Will the old skates follow the flying mud crab?

Or will they see that Roo-kai is controlling the mud crab?

Luckily, their eyesight is bad.

Fell Out And Died

Roo-kai comes back.

Where's my skateboard? asks Terence.

The baby skates won't give it up, says Roo-kai.

What's Felicia doing? asks Gaius.

Negotiating, says Roo-kai. 

And swimming? says Terence.

And swimming, says Roo-kai. 

Since you're here, says Gaius, would you mind...

Sorry for interrupting, says Roo-kai, but isn't that one of your socks in the shallows?

It is, says Gaius. With a mud crab inside. 

Hiding, says Terence.

So I see, says Roo-kai. And it seems to be slowly retreating.

Curses! says Gaius. So it does.

Roo-kai swoops down and catches the top of the sock.

Lifts it out of the shallows.

Shakes it.

But there's no point in shaking the top.

He drops the sock, in order to take hold of the toe end, and shake the crab out.

But the sock has dropped onto a rock.

C-crack!

I may have cracked its carapace, says Rookai.

I'm sure you didn't mean to, says Gaius.

Mm, says Roo-kai.

He shakes the crab out. It appears to be dead.

I may as well eat it, says Roo-kai.

I suppose so, says Gaius. But it's a pity, because I was trying to persuade it to act as a lure.

For what? asks Roo-kai.

For two old maugean skates that were pursuing it, says Gaius. I had only to think of a way to protect it.

I see, says Roo-kai. But now, it doesn't need your protection.

That's true, says Gaius. In fact it may be the best thing that could have happened.

How is it the best thing that could have happened? asks Terence. It fell out of your sock, then it died.

Tragic of course, says Gaius. But if Roo-kai delays eating it....

I understand, says Roo-kai. I shall delay eating it. I'll carry it in my beak out over the water to the place where the baby skates are. The old ones will be keeping their distance, but within a short radius. I'll soon lure them up. Then I'll lead them back to where you are.

Then you'll eat the mud crab, says Terence.

That's right, says Roo-kai. I'll deserve it.

You will, says Gaius. Thank you Roo-kai.

But the old skates might try to fight you, says Terence.

Let them try, says Roo-kai.

Ambivalent Mud Crab

The green sock stops as soon as it realises it's out of the water.

It turns around to go back.

Stop! says Gaius. I can't help noticing that you look familiar.

It's your sock, says Terence. You should just pick it up.

There may be someone inside it, says Gaius.

Let's see! says Terence, moving forward to pick up the sock.

Don't do it! says Gaius. It's stopping.

It has in fact stopped.

A claw emerges from the opening. Then another. Then two eyes on stalks.

Clikclik...you don't know me! says the mud crab. And I don't know you!

That is true, says Gaius. It's the sock that's familiar.

Clikclik...what's a sock? asks the mud crab.

You're in it, says Terence.

This is my hideyhole, says the mud crab. And it's a good one.

May I ask if there's a cabbage leaf inside? asks Gaius.

Clikclik...no there isn't, says the mud crab.

Ask if there WAS, says Terence.

May I ask... begins Gaius.

Clikclik...there was, says the mud crab. But I ate it. 

Who are you hiding from? asks Terence.

Lucius and Pontius, says the mud crab. 

And they are? asks Gaius.

Old relics from Gondwana, if you believe their story, says the mud crab.

They can't be that old, says Gaius.

Try telling them that, says the mud crab.

Do they have tails and claspers? asks Terence.

What an intelligent question, Terence, says Gaius.

They're maugean skates, says the mud crab. So they do.

I should very much like to meet them , says Gaius. I don't suppose you could lure them in closer.

I would have to get out of my hideyhole to do that, says the mud crab.

That's basically what I'm asking, says Gaius.

You want it back? asks the mud crab.

No, says Gaius. You're welcome to keep it. I've bought new ones.

The risk for me is that I might get eaten, says the mud crab.

I appreciate that, says Gaius. 

Ha ha, laughs Terence. That means you want him to get eaten.

No it doesn't, says Gaius. It means I understand that he might get eaten.

So I'd want some protection, says the mud crab. 

If I could arrange that, would you be willing? asks Gaius.

Clikclik, says the mud crab.

An ambivalent answer.

WAY Out There

After waiting in vain for the skateboard to surface, Surfing-with-Whales goes back in.

He feels about in the shallow water.

Kicks around with his flippers.

Scans the water for bubbles.

No sign.

He dives in and swims out several metres.

Stops, and ducks under the water.

Looks around through his goggles.

Still no sign.

He flippers his way back to shore.

It's vanished! says Surfing-with-Whales.

A skateboard can't vanish, says Gaius. The baby skates must have taken it.

Wah! cries Terence. My skateboard! Can I get a new one?

Certainly not, says Gaius. If the baby skates have it, no doubt we shall see it again.

Why? asks Terence.

Because we'll be seeking their whereabouts, says Gaius. 

Want me to show you the place I was telling you about? asks Felicia.

Indeed, says Gaius. How far is it?

Not far, says Felicia. We can walk there.

Let's go, says Terence. 

Count me out, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Of course. You've done enough, says Gaius. I'll call you if you're needed.

You may as well give me the flippers and goggles, says Felicia.

Surfing-with-Whales is only too happy to give her the flippers and goggles.

He heads back to the campsite to see if there's any banana cake left over from lunch.

Felicia leads Gaius and Terence along a narrow trail next to the water.

They walk and they walk.

Until.

They finally get there.

This is the place where they dropped the baby skates in, says Felicia.

Now what? asks Terence.

We wait, says Gaius. And we watch for signs of activity.

Like skateboarding, says Terence.

Like that, says Gaius.

They sit under a leatherwood and watch the surface of the water.

Roo-kai flies down from the tree.

Roo-kai! cries Terence. Guess what happened?

I know what happened, says Roo-kai. See those ripples out there?

No, says Terence.

WAY out there, says Roo-kai. That's where the baby skates are playing with your skateboard.

It's going to get ruined, says Terence.

Only the metal parts, says Roo-kai. And even those might be recoverable.

Shall I go in? asks Felicia.

Yes! says Terence. Go in and get me my skateboard!

She puts on the goggles and flippers and goes in.

I hope she's a good swimmer, says Gaius.

I'll fly above her, says Roo-kai.

Terence and Gaius are left alone, under the tree, watching Felicia swim out, with Roo-kai above her.

I forgot to remind her to record how many skates she encounters, says Gaius.

We need Little Mystic, says Terence. He could fly out there.

Yes, where is Little Mystic? asks Gaius.

He is not here. Perhaps he is looking for slugs, flies or mosquitoes.

But some unlikely help is at hand.

A green sock crawls out of the water

Wheeled Dragon-Log

The baby skates are almost back to where they came from.

It has been a fast journey, underwater.

Four baby skates under the skateboard, and four on the top.

Two at the back, making sure they're not being followed.

Sometimes they've swapped.

We're nearly home, says one of the baby skates underneath the skateboard.

We know, say the others.

The oldies are going to freak out! says another.

Hee-hee! laugh the others.

They'll see the dragons, says one baby skate.

And they'll be scared, says another.

But in this they are wrong.

Two old maugean skates have seen them approaching

What the dickens are those newbies up to now? says one to the other.

Is it a log? asks the other.

There are dragons painted on it. says the first old skate. So I doubt it's a log.

It's possible to paint dragons on logs, says the other old skate.

But look again, Pontius, says the first old skate.

My eyesight's not what it was, Lucius, says the second old skate.

( good! the old ones have names!).

Wheels, says Lucius.

I thought that was their tails whirring, says Pontius.

No, it's wheels on the dragon-log, says Lucius.

Let's ignore it, says Pontius. From the way they're behaving I think they intend to annoy us.

Fine, says Lucius. It takes more than a wheeled dragon-log to annoy me.

Me too, says Pontius. Let's continue searching the bottom for crabs.

Like we always do, says Lucius. What's that I see over there?

A sock, says Pontius. 

A sock. They move on slowly,

The sock crawls away.

All The Less Reason

I knew it! says Terence. 

Don't worry, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Get it back, says Terence.

It may float to the surface, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

They wait. 

But the skateboard does not float to the surface.

It is being borne away by third baby skate's friends.

Where are we going? asks third baby skate, letting go of the side of the skateboard.

His fellow skateboarder lets go as well.

They float above the moving skateboard.

Wherever we like, says a baby skate, underneath.

And where is that? asks third baby skate.

The baby skates who are abducting the skateboard stop moving.

Meeting! says one.

Why? asks another.

We definitely need a meeting, says third baby skate.

Woohoo! says another baby skate. Is this about where we're going?

Yes, says the one who called the meeting.

I vote we go back where we came from, says one.

With the skateboard? says another.

This isn't our skateboard, says third baby skate. I'm supposed to return it.

Since when do skates obey humans? asks the one who called the meeting.

I don't think he was a human, says third baby skate. He looked like he was made of cement.

All the less reason, says the one who called the meeting.

So are we going back where we came from? asks another baby skate.

(there are ten of them, remember? but they do not have names)

Vote! says the one who called the meeting. All in favour?

Nine claspers go up.

The only dissenter is third baby skate.

Okay, says third baby skate. I might just go back and tell them...

No don't, says his friend. That would cause complications. Let's enjoy the moment. We have friends! We are young! We have our own skateboard! Let's have fun, and at the same time annoy the shit out of the old ones! 

Third baby skate takes on board all these positives, especially the last one.

In A.....

Ready? asks Terence.

Ready, says the third baby skate.

Is your friend ready? asks Terence.

Ready, says third baby skate's friend.

You're not ready, says Terence. You're meant to be using your claspers.

O yes, says the third baby skate.

What's this about using our claspers? asks third baby skate's friend.

We clasp claspers, says third baby skate. 

And? prompts Terence.

Use our outside claspers to grab onto the skateboard, says third baby.

So do it, says Terence.

The two baby skates clasp themselves together, and clasp themselves on.

Go! says Terence.

We only know stopping, says third baby. How do we start?

Push yourselves off with your tails, says Terence.

They try. Sadly, tails may work for stopping, but they are no good for starting.

They need a push, says Surfing-with-Whales. Want me to do it?

Okay, says Terence.

Surfing-with-Whales pushes the skateboard. 

It moves sluggishly and comes to a halt in the mud..

This is no fun, says third baby skate's friend.

Let's ask them to push us into the water, says third baby skate.

I heard that, says Terence. My skateboard's not going in the water.

Might be good for it, says Surfing-with-Whales. Wash the mud off.

Okay, says Terence. But what if it sinks?

I'll retrieve it, says Surfing-with-Whales.

He launches the skateboard.

Weeeee! cry the two baby skates.

They shoot forward a couple of metres, before stopping, surrounded by friends.

When is it our turn! cry the friends.

In a.... begins third baby skate.

Blub blub bloop. 

O no! The skateboard is sinking.

The Permanent Dot

I can't guess, says Surfing-with-Whales.

The baby skate's coming back for a ride on my skateboard, says Terence.

No way! says Surfing-with-Whales.

They arranged it, says Gaius. The baby skate's coming back later.

Skates can't skate on skateboards, says Surfing-with-Whales.

They can if they have a lesson, says Terence. And I gave him one.

What was it? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

How to do stopping, says Terence.

Problem! says Surfing-with-Whales. No foot, no stopping.

He uses his tail, says Terence.

Surfing-with-Whales has thought of another problem.

He'll die, if he's out of the water, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Not immediately, says Gaius. 

Geez! says Surfing-with-Whales. Looks like you don't need my input.

Of course we do, says Gaius. You met an old skate. That may be just the beginning.

Did you? says Felicia. Did you record it?

Nah, says Surfing-with-Whales. Gaius is going to improvise a clicker.

If I have time, says Gaius.

Why not just make little marks on your palm with a permanent marker? asks Felicia.

I might lose the marker, says Surfing-with-Whales.

You could hang the marker from your neck on a string, says Felicia.

Wonderful idea, says Gaius. I couldn't have come up with a better solution.

They're coming! says Terence.

He has been keeping an eye out for the third baby skate, and spied an incoming flotilla.

This is unexpected, says Gaius.

Maybe they all want a ride, says Terence.

The third baby skate floats in as close as he can.

Terence steps forward.

Careful, says Gaius.

We all want a go on the skateboard, says the third baby skate.

How many are you? asks Gaius.

Ten, says the third baby skate.

I must record that number, says Gaius. Where is my pen?

Okay, says Terence. Who's going first on the skateboard?

Me and him, says the third baby skate. 

Wait! says Terence. How will we know who's had a go and who hasn't?

It'd be good if we had that permanent marker, says Surfing-with-Whales.

So it would, says Gaius. Not only would it serve to show who's had a go and who hasn't, but it would prevent us from counting a baby skate twice.

I thought there was a permanent marker with your waterproof clipboard, says Felicia.

Was there? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

He yanks the clipboard out from the back of his shorts.

There was! 

Excellent! All our problems are solved, says Gaius.

He lifts third baby skate and his friend out of the water and places them side by side on the skateboard.

He then marks their tails with a permanent dot.