A Second Sex Breeze

Two things are now happening, in Paris.

The research team, with Arthur included, is boarding a very fast train for Saint Malo.

Arthur has organised everything.

Almost everything.

Sweezus is meeting Sartre on a corner.

They will both be on bicycles.

The plan is to ride somewhere at random, speaking of existential matters and what it is to be human.

If topology is mentioned, it will be as a side issue.

Ditto for prunes.

Back to the station, which is Paris-Gare-Montparnasse.

The research team boards the very fast train.

Sit anywhere, says Arthur. Actually, don't sit down yet.

Can we run up and down the carriage? asks Baldy.

Yes, says Arthur. You can be the spotters.

You're very organised, Arthur, says Splosh.

He might not be as organised as you think, says Belle. I bet we're seat-hopping.

That's cool, says Splosh. I'm all for it.

I don't mind either, says Belle. What about you, Gaius?

Seat hopping? says Gaius. Is this some modern new application?

Kind of, says Belle. Oh well, it's only two hours forty minutes, and we'll be in Saint Malo.

Baldy and Terence come running back. No empty seats spotted.

The very fast train moves smoothly forward.

Sweezus and Sartre have met on the corner.

Simone de Beauvoir has come too.

This could be a nuisance.

She is wearing her light bamboo hat, with the raffia flowers.

It doesn't appear to have fixings, and could blow off easily.

How lovely, to be cycling together through Paris, says Simone. But don't mind me.

We won't, says Sartre.

Typical, laughs Simone. We women are still the second sex, and yet, who gets read more often?

You do, dear, says Sartre.

When I think of all those children you never let me have, says Simone.

You didn't want them. And this is not a good time to bring up children...

Oh, very clever. But sorry, your interview. Go ahead, Sweezus. Ask him about human existence and radical freedom.

I was going to, says Sweezus.

He hopes for a breeze. Then her hat will blow off.

Or a chance encounter.

A Mixed Message

In Les Deux Magots, Sweezus and Splosh wait for the shoppers to come back.

Sweezus: Yeah, and turns out a cube is identical to a sphere.

Splosh: Not where I come from.

Sweezus: Me either, but that's topology, according to Sartre.

Splosh: Why's he interested in topology?

Sweezus: Progress. Why are you interested in oystercatchers?

Splosh: I'm not, really.

Sweezus: Just your career?

Splosh: Ultimately.

Sweezus: Same with me. That's why I'm up for one last chance with Sartre.

Splosh: How's that work?

Sweezus: Yeah well, the reason my article got rejected was ....

Splosh: .....gossip. I know.

Sweezus: Not only that, there was a crucial element missing.

Splosh: Topology. You didn't explain it.

Sweezus: No. A bicycle. Any bicycle.

Splosh: Huh?

Sweezus is about to explain that every article in Velosophy must at least mention a bicycle, and that his didn't, when the shoppers arrive.

Baldy (running in first): Look at my new pants!

Splosh: Have you been crying?

Baldy: Yes, I had to.

Terence (arriving next): He's crying because he's too hot.

Baldy: No I wasn't.

Sweezus: Good pants. What are they? Oystercatchers?

Baldy: PANDAS!

Splosh: At least they match your new feathers.

Gaius: Yes. He looks the part now. Quite the activist.

Belle: He looks like a mixed message. But never mind. At least he's happy.

Gaius: Arthur managed to do some sort of deal. He got the panda long johns for nothing. And Terence talked me into a bargain.

Terence: Look! Hawaii shorts!

Sweezus: What deal?

Arthur: Pants for a poem.

Sweezus: I bet you just dashed it off.

Arthur: Yes, I did. So... what are we doing?

Belle: We're off to Saint Malo on the very fast train.

Gaius: The TGV? Won't that be more expensive?

Arthur: Not necessarily.

Gaius: Are you coming?

Arthur: I might. Sweezus needs time with Sartre. They're re-doing the topology interview on bicycles.

Belle: Is that papa's idea? How ridiculous. Couldn't you just have added a bicycle to what you'd written already?

Sweezus: Not really. It was all about cubes and prunes.

Belle: I bet Arthur could've. You should've asked him.

Sweezus looks crestfallen.

She wishes she hadn't said it.

Crossed Legs Against Penguins

In Monoprix, Baldy has found a pair of fleecy long johns, that he likes.

They cost thirteen euros.

They'll be too hot, says Belle. It's summer.

But they've got pandas on, says Baldy.

THESE are good! says Terence, holding up a pair of Hawaii 32 running shorts, blue with red numerals, and white side stripes.

And good value, says Gaius. Four euros eighty. That's seventy percent off!

No, says Baldy. I want the panda ones.

Try them on, says Arthur. I'll come in with you.

Why? asks Baldy.

To tell you what to do, says Arthur.

Arthur goes with Baldy to the change rooms.

Baldy tries the panda long johns on.

Sure you want these? asks Arthur.

Do I look like a penguin? asks Baldy, doing funny penguin steps.

Yes, says Arthur. Now, run out of the shop, crying, and I'll distract them.

That's stealing, says Baldy.

It won't be stealing says Arthur, because I'll leave them a poem.

Baldy's ethical stance crumbles.

About a penguin? asks Baldy.

If you want, says Arthur.

Baldy runs out of the Monoprix, crying.

Belle sees him go.

Oh dear, says Belle, and runs out after Baldy.

Come on Terence, says Gaius. Something is wrong.

Can I have these? asks Terence. PLEASE! You said they were a bargain.

A shop assistant comes over.

Are you planning to buy these, monsieur?

I suppose so, says Gaius. He pays the four euros eighty, and the shop assistant pops the Hawaii 32s into a Monoprix bag.

Gaius leaves with Terence, who looks happy.

Arthur leaves the change room, and walks up to the counter.

This is for you, says Arthur. It's a poem. You can use it as a selling tool.

The shop assistant reads the poem.

En short et caleçon
les bébés et les enfants
croisent leurs jambes
contre les pingouins.

Arthur Rimbaud.

The shop assistant likes it so much she forgets to enquire about the baby who ran out crying just now, in a pair of panda long johns, which have not been paid for. She shows it to the manager, who, seeing an opportunity, prints up several copies in large lettering.

They suspend the copies in locations above the baby shorts and caleçons.

And sell every sale item before the midday closing.

Last Chances

The team stops in Paris, before they head off to Saint Malo.

They're meeting Sweezus for lunch at Les Deux Magots.

Sweezie! says Belle. What's that you're having?

But she can see what he's having.

Macarons.

Tch! All that sugar! says Belle.

How come you've still got Baldy? asks Sweezus.

I'm on strike, says Baldy.

He's on strike till he gets shorts, says Terence. He's wearing girls' undies.

I'm a bird, says Baldy. Guess which one?

A penguin, says Sweezus.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. He's a Eurasian oystercatcher.

Cool, says Sweezus.

I thought you'd go mental, says Splosh.

Me, mental? says Sweezus. Can't go more mental than I already am.

What's happened? asks Belle. Did you write the piece on Sartre?

Boss rejected it, says Sweezus. Too gossipy.

Really? says Belle. But Sartre's such an intellectual.

Yeah right, says Sweezus. It was because I mentioned that he has to eat prunes.

We should all eat more prunes, says Gaius.

Is that all? asks Belle.

And he made me eat one, in a weird way, says Sweezus. It was creepy.

Did you make notes? asks Gaius.

He did, says Sweezus. And then he wouldn't give them to me.

Poor you, says Belle. It did go wrong, didn't it. Are you free now? We're off  to Saint Malo.

I'm waiting for Arthur, says Sweezus. He should be here already.

Excellent, says Gaius. I was hoping to see Arthur.

Arthur comes in.

Hello, says Arthur. I've done it.

No kidding! says Sweezus. You're a legend. Is Sartre okay?

He's just oiling his bicycle, says Arthur.

This is mysterious.

My last chance, says Sweezus. Thanks, Arthur.

Shorts! says Baldy.

Ah yes, says Gaius. Arthur. Where can we buy infants' shorts?

How should I know? says Arthur.

Monoprix, says Belle. Maybe Arthur would like to come with us?

Yes, says Gaius. Arthur, do come with us.

Arthur sits down. First he would like to eat a macaron. He selects one.

.......

At Monoprix, there is a sale on, because it's the last month of summer.

There is an abundance of shorts and caleçons for enfants and bébés.

Baldy is looking for bird ones, maybe with blood on.

Terence finds a nice blue pair printed with red and white yachts.

We're supposed to get plain ones, says Belle. But I guess he can have what he likes.

As long as they're not too expensive, says Gaius, looking at Arthur.

They won't be expensive, says Arthur.

Bird Simple

On the train back to Clermont-Ferrand.

Am I in the team now? asks Baldy.

Indeed you are, says Gaius. And with team membership, comes responsibility. You are a symbol.

I know, says Baldy.

Me too, says Terence.

You're both symbols says Splosh. That's how I painted you. But Baldy is the bird symbol. He has the black and white feathers, and one orange finger.

He hasn't got shorts, says Terence.

Do birds have shorts? asks Baldy.

No, says Gaius. What are you talking about, Terence?

I've got shorts, says Terence. Cutlass shorts with blood dripping off them. And I've got pockets.

So what? says Baldy.

You've got girl's undies, says Terence. So I've got the Babybel cheeses in my shorts pocket. You had to put them there, remember?

Baldy looks shocked.

Are these girl's undies? asks Baldy.

No dear, says Belle. It's a wispy drapery, to cover your willy.

I want shorts! says Baldy. And I'm on strike till I get them.

He's on strike, says Terence. And I've got the cheeses. So I'm the leader.

But I've got the plan, says Baldy.

I've got the plan, says Gaius. You may or may not have a sub-plan.

........

On the train from Clermont-Ferrand to Paris.

We should drop in on Sweezus, says Belle. See how he's going with Sartre.

Yes, and Arthur may have made an appearance, says Splosh.

I hope so, says Gaius. This trip is becoming expensive. And now it seems we must buy Baldy shorts in Paris.

Yes! cries Baldy. Special bird shorts!

We'll go to a Monoprix, says Belle. They'll have something.

Buy plain ones, says Splosh. I'll make them look bird-ish.

Tight ones? asks Belle. Will you do feathers?

Yep, says Splosh. It'll look like he's not even wearing them.

Hey! says Baldy. I want proper ones like Terence.

No. You're the Bird Simple, says Terence.

Symbol, says Splosh.

The matter remains unresolved.

Gaius browses through his notes on the Eurasian oystercatcher, or Haematopus ostralegus.

Very similar to the Australian pied oystercatcher, or Haemotopus longirostris, and its sooty counterpart, Haemotopus fuliginosus.

Hmm. And you can't tell them anything.

Stop Selling Cheese

As we're in Le Puy-en-Velay, says Gaius, I shall purchase a regional cheese.

What a lovely idea, says Belle. We can all have a picnic. Any cheese in particular?

L'Artisou is said to have a distinctive flavour, says Gaius.

Is that the one made by spiders? asks Splosh. 

Mites, says Gaius. Spider mites are encouraged to run across the crust while it matures. 

I know that one, says Belle. Papa likes it. He says it tastes dusty.

They find a cheese shop and all go inside.

Oh! says the lady cheese shop owner. How well you have painted your children!

We came in to buy cheese, says Splosh.  But as you're interested, sea levels are rising and we're doing something about it.

I merely sell cheese, says the cheese shop owner. What can I do about rising sea levels here in Le Puy-en-Velay? 

Stop selling cheese, says Splosh. 

Splosh! says Belle. We came in to buy l'Artisou!

L'Artisou! says the cheese shop owner. I have sold out, because the pilgrims all buy it.

Do they like it? asks Belle.

No, says the cheese shop owner. It's a penance.

Have you got red penances? asks Terence.

He-he, laughs Baldy. Or red pencils?

The cheeses shop lady shoos them all out of the cheese shop.

They go to a Carrefour, where Belle buys baguettes, a cucumber, and five red Babybel cheeses. 

.......

That was a great start! says Splosh. We're already raising awareness. 

But not among the oystercatchers, says Gaius. They must be our priority.

Yes, says Belle. The poor little oystercatchers. We should head for the coast.

I was thinking of Saint Malo, says Gaius. 

Cool! says Splosh. I'd love to paint something there.

Yes, you could do that, says Belle, while Gaius and I try to teach the oystercatchers new behaviours.

I can make them do new behaviours, says Terence. 

Me too, says Baldy.

How would you do it? asks Belle.

Whack them, says Terence. Like Saint Joseph.

Trick them, says Baldy. Like the Virgin.

To trick them is likely to be more effective, says Gaius. How would you trick them?

Maybe...with cheeses, says Baldy.

To be honest, he hasn't thought ahead quite that far.

I know! says Terence. Tell them the truth. That they'll DIE!

Not them, says Gaius. But their eggs will float off without hatching.

That doesn't seem like a problem to Terence. 

It would be nice to be floating. Like a parrot. He flaps his small arms.

Stop moving! Do you want your Babybel cheese yet? asks Baldy.

No, says Terence. I can't eat Baby Cheeses. You can't either.

He-he! laughs Baldy. Because we're Baby Cheeses! 

Baby Cheesuses, says Belle. And that's a lame joke. Stop being silly.

Baldy shoves two little red Baby Cheesuses into Terence's pocket.

They may be of use in Saint Malo.

A Predator's Dinner

The train stops in Le Puy-en-Velay.

Who's going to take Baldy back to his mother? asks Belle. Shall I do it?

We'll all do it, says Gaius. That's why we came.

So Gaius, Belle, Splosh, Terence and Baldy walk together to the Corneille Rock and begin climbing the steps inside the Virgin.

Race you to the top, says Splosh,

Terence and Baldy start running.

Splosh and Belle speed up a little.

Gaius climbs steadily.

Terence is first to reach the crown of stars on the head of the Virgin.

He looks down at her nose.

It would make a good ski ramp.

Baldy arrives next, panting.

The Virgin turns her eyes upwards.

Who might you be? asks the Virgin.

Me, Baldy, says Baldy. And Terence.

You're late! says the Virgin.

Are the clowns dead? asks Terence.

Half dead, says the Virgin. Meaning, one is and one isn't.

Good one, says Terence.

Mama! says Baldy.

I'll give you Mama, says the Virgin. A week late or more! And look at you! Done up like a predator's dinner.

I'm an oystercatcher, says Baldy.

The Virgin shakes her head.

And what's that on your tummy?

THE RISING, says Baldy.

How inappropriate, says the Virgin. Disclosing the ending! Luckily it's unreadable.

It's about rising sea levels, says Splosh, who has emerged at the crown of stars.

Oh, is it? says the Virgin.

She has never worried about rising sea levels. Why should she?

The oystercatchers are endangered, says Belle. And Splosh is an activist.

Honestly! says the Virgin. You'd think that up here at least one could avoid them.

Gaius emerges. He looks down at the view.

Scenic mountains. Tiny pilgrims, making their way along the Camino de Santiago.

It's you! says the Virgin.

You know me? says Gaius.

From Team Condor, says the Virgin. With that nice looking young man who made off with Baldy, promising to bring him back in the morning. A whole week ago!

We've come to return him, says Gaius We apologise for the delay. It was a misunderstanding.

Yes, sorry, says Belle. Well, Terence, say goodbye to Baldy.

Goodbye, Baldy, says Terence.

What! Are you leaving him here? asks the Virgin. But I've ordered another one. They've already melted the cannon.

I suppose you can't cope with two, says Belle. Imagine. One in each arm, how would you ... you know...do anything?

The Virgin considers.

Baldy, dear, says the Virgin. You have grown up a lot. You have lovely curls now. You resemble an endangered bird species. You are articulate. It's time for you to go forth and do something to raise public awareness about THE RISING.

Well said! says Splosh. You're a legend, Ms Virgin!

Thank you, says the Virgin. Never say I don't try.

Would you like a touch up? says Splosh. By way of thanks for giving us Baldy.

Why not? say the Virgin.

Splosh gives her a touch up.

The Virgin's stars twinkle, and her nose looks smaller, less like a ski ramp.

Goodbye and sorry, mama, says Baldy.

Goodbye, Baldy. Be good. Goodbye, Terence, says the Virgin.

Which one did you kill? asks Terence.

Pickelherring, I think, says the Virgin.