Stage 11: Sorgues to Malaucène - Bleeds

Today the stage ends with a double ascent of Mont Ventoux, and a tricky ride down to the finish.

Marcel is glad that today he is being a clown.

He is standing with Saint Arnoc and Saint Ténénan, not even watching.

I can't watch, says Marcel. This will be so taxing, and did you know that the riders sometimes get nose bleeds because of the difficult breathing conditions, and they have to be handed a tissue by someone in the team car, and dab their own noses while continuing to ride up the hill?

No, says Saint Arnoc. What is a tissue?

It sounds like a sneeze, says Saint Ténénan.

It is a thin piece of paper, says Marcel. Didn't they have them in your day?

Of course not, says Saint Arnoc. We didn't even have hankies.

In that case, how do you know about hankies? asks Marcel.

We try to keep up, says Saint Arnoc. But we have not encountered the tissue.

Don't waste your time, says Marcel. The tissues in last box of tissues I bought were so thin that when I tried to wipe my nose my finger made a hole in the tissue which resulted in a most unpleasant sensation.

What might that have been? asks Saint Ténénan.

I imagine he got mucus on his finger, or fingers, says Saint Arnoc.

Correct, says Marcel But it was only one finger. One should never poke more than one finger into one's nose.

Fascinating as this exchange is, however, we must leave them.

And watch the riders.

It's been a hard day. 

Someone got a nose bleed.

But it wasn't Wout van Aert.

Look at him, powering up the steep side of Mont Ventoux.

Woop! and over.

And down the twisty path to the finish.

Wout van Aert is the winner!

Kenny Ellisonde and Bauke Mollema come second and third.

Cavendish stays in green and Pogacar in yellow.

Quintana keeps the polka dot jersey.

So not much has altered.

Stage 10: Albertville to Valence - Green

Stage ten, after the rest day. A flat one.

The teams ride out of Albertville. The sun is shining. The road grey. Trees green.

Team Philosophe are riding together, and chatting.

Which saint is taking the place of Gaius today?

But no! Look! It IS Gaius!

What has caused him to abandon his principles?

That tartiflette, yesterday, the diots, the bilberry tart and multiple glasses of Chignin?

Not that Gaius would overindulge.

Vello: It's good to have you back on board.

Gaius: I felt obliged, in the circumstances.

David: I hope our two bishops will soon recover.

Vello: I don't mind if they don't. 

Gaius: Who would have thought they could put away so many sausages?

Vello: Me. But not that they would be indisposed this morning.

David: It's turned out for the best.

Vello: Yes. Except for Gaius's strict condition.

Gaius: I trust you will both adhere to my condition.

David: Not to try to win points. It's hardly a difficult condition. In all our years of competing, we've never won any.

Gaius: That isn't the point.

Vello: Ha ha! No, it isn't.

A bit further up the road: A spill! 

Richie Porte is among the fallen. He gets up and exchanges his bike.

He soon catches up to the peloton.

Sweezus: Hey Richie! You okay?

Richie: Yeah.

Marcel: You have a tear in your knickers.

Richie: Who are you?

Sweezus: Pablo.

Richie: No way! I know Pablo.

Sweezus: He's changed since he worked as a diplomat.

Richie: Changed? Uh. He should've got fatter, not thinner.

Sweezus: Nah.  He couldn't go anywhere, because of the covid.

Richie: Bummer. 

Marcel: You should get that scrape seen to. If it were me...

Richie:  Yeah. If it WERE you!

Sweezus: Ha ha! Good one Richie.

Richie rides off to try and do something.

Up at the finish, who is this, well-positioned behind a line of fellow riders from team Deceuninck Quick-Step, in the green jersey?

Mark Cavendish!

If he can only.....

He does! 

Now he is one stage win off equalling the record number of stage wins of the great Eddie Merckx.

Which is important.

Tignes: Le Lac Long Lunch

Belle has prepared a picnic for teams Condor and Philosophe.

The two bishops are invited. So is Marcel, if he comes as a clown.

Belle spreads out a red and white cloth on the grass at the edge of Lac de Tignes.

What's for me? asks Terence.

Ribena, says Belle. See if you can poke the straw in by yourself.

Okay, says Terence. He tries.

Team Condor turns up, with Marcel.

Yum! says Sweezus. Raclette! How did you keep the cheese warm?

Aluminium foil, says Belle. And a tea towel. Eat up, before it goes solid.

Sweezus, Arthur and Pablo sit down and start chewing.

Marcel looks in suspicion at the cheese.

Vello, David and Gaius have been strolling along the banks of Le Lac, admiring its blueness.

Have you opened the wine, dear? calls Vello.

Yes, papa, says Belle.  Do come. There's a lovely Chignin, and a superb Mondeuse.

She pours out the glasses.

There's also tartiflette and diots, says Belle, followed by tarte aux myrtilles.

The saints appear, walking close together.

Are we late? asks Saint Arnoc.

Not at all, says Vello. Sit down and have a diot. And a glass of red wine. This Mondeuse is worth trying.

It has bluish tones, says Marcel.

Let's see, says Sweezus. Yeah, it does.

Yuck, says Terence.

Now, says Vello, let's clear up a few things.

Yes, says Belle. Can we clear up that there will be no more cheating?

No more cheating, says Gaius. A good resolution.

He takes a slice of tartiflette. Mmm. And a glass of Chignin.

Not about that, says Vello. Although of course I'm against Team Condor cheating.

Sweezus and Arthur and Pablo ignore him.

No, says Vello, it's about....

Saint Roley! says Terence. They won't say where he is.

You know where he is, says Gaius. We left him on Kangaroo Island.

Kangaroo Island! Is there work there for a bishop? asks Saint Ténénan. Assuming he IS a bishop.

He is not a bishop, says Gaius.

He's a parrot, says Terence.

He's an oystercatcher, says Gaius. Originally from Brittany. We met him years ago, when we stayed there. I wonder if either of you have heard of Saint Méen?

Saint Méen is my father! cry Saint Arnoc and Saint Ténénan.

Ho! That clears up the question! says Vello.

Yeah, what was the question? asks Sweezus.

Vello explains that this proves the saints are the same person.

The picnic continues until the last crumb of the tarte aux myrtilles is demolished.

And all of the wine.

Everyone but Marcel, who is finnicky, agrees it was an excellent picnic.

Stage 9: Cluses to Tignes - Ding

Another day in the mountains. Again it is raining.

Arthur is back in the saddle.

There he goes, leading out Sweezus, who today has five chances to be King of the Mountain.

Pablo is not far behind.

Go team! cries Belle.

Yay! cries Terence. 

Bong-bong-bong! cries Marcel, dinging a bell.

Bon chance! cries Saint Arnoc.

(They are all standing together, near a barrier).

I have to go shopping for tomorrow, says Belle. Marcel, will you do the food bags, and Saint Arnoc, would you mind Terence?

Certainly, says Saint Arnoc. I look forward to getting to know Terence a little better. 

Why? asks Terence.

Because you appear as a holy infant, says Saint Arnoc.

Do you know Saint Roley? asks Terence. 

The first part of the name rings a bell, says Saint Arnoc. 

Good, says Terence. Where is he?

That I don't know, says Saint Arnoc.

Marcel wanders off with the food bags. 

He is thinking of more important things than food distribution.

The intricacies of clown technology. 

His bell does not seem to ding right.

Nairo Quintana rides past.

Today my goal is King of the Mountains, says Quintana, to another Columbian, in Spanish.

Will he achieve it?

(The answer is no).

Along comes Ben O'Connor. 

But no one has heard of Ben O'Connor. 

Today I'm winning this stage, says Ben O'Connor, to another AG2R rider.

Go for it! says the other AG2R rider.

Can it be so simple?

There are hard mountains to ride up and down on. 

And it is still raining.

But Ben seems to know.

Stage 8: Oyonnax to Le Grand Bornard - Who Am I?

Rain.

Three mountains to climb before the downhill finish.

Sometimes it's best not to think ahead.

But you really can't help it.

Vello is riding behind Saint Arnoc, who is replacing Gaius today.

Saint Arnoc is not doing badly, for a saint.

Vello rides up alongside him.

Look here, says Vello. I'm sorry about yesterday.

It wasn't me, says Saint Arnoc. 

The day before then, says Vello. It seems you do have some legs.

I don't remember, says Saint Arnoc. But you are right, we both have them.

As to that, says Vello, it's lucky you two both look the same.

I look nothing like Gaius, says Saint Arnoc. 

I meant your fellow saint, says Vello.

Saint Ténénan, says Saint Arnoc. We do look the same. Some believe we're the same person.

That doesn't surprise me, says Vello. Of course, you must know the truth of it.

We don't, says Saint Arnoc. Not definitively. The records have vanished into the mists of time.

They pass Primoz Roglic, who has cracked on the mountain, and is also vanishing into the mists of time.

(But has hopes of riding in the Olympics).

Ridiculous, says Vello. It's not a question of records, it's an existential question: Who am I?

Yes, says Saint Arnoc. But this is not the time for existential questions.

True, says Vello. We will clear it up at the picnic on Monday

Am I invited? asks Saint Arnoc. 

Of course, says Vello. Belle always puts on a good spread.

Wonderful! says Saint Arnoc. Now, best knees forward!

You forget I'm the team captain, says Vello.

The rain tipples down. 

There are spots of rain on the cameras.

If you are watching the race on the television, or an ipad, the riders look blurry.

But now!

Who is that speeding down from the Col de la Columbière to the finish? 

Dylan Teuns, of Bahrain Victorious. The stage winner!

And who is that coming fourth?

Fourth?

It's a relevant question because, ..... it's Pogacar, who now claims the yellow jersey!

Stage 7: Viorzon to Le Creusot - Messing

Stage seven. A long one, and hilly.

A large breakaway forms at the front.

Sweezus finds himself in it.

Where is Arthur?

Sweezus looks over his shoulder.

WTF? That's not Arthur!  Or is it? He's wearing the frog coloured outfit. 

And the helmet, but under the helmet, just visible, curly blue hairs.

It's Marcel. 

Prousty? says Sweezus, slowing slightly.

Marcel catches up.

Poor Arthur was feeling stiff in the knee, says Marcel, and I changed places with him at the last minute, at least, we managed to change costumes but it is not an ideal situation that I still wear the wig, because it is gathering heat and I fear it will not serve me well in the mountains.

Shut up, says Sweezus. Everyone's listening.

They will not believe it, says Marcel. Who would be so foolish....?

Take it off, says Sweezus. No, wait, don't.

They will think we are messing with their heads, says Marcel, as when mother used to tell me that grandmother wasn't coming on Saturday morning with a basket of pastries, and I would believe her until voila! grandmother would appear in the doorway, her soft round face creased with solicitude when she saw my sad features.....

Sheez! says Sweezus. 

He picks up the pace.

Marcel is left wondering if he has upset his team leader.

He speeds up as well.

But his head is so hot.

He will stop soon, for a nature break. And get right off the road, behind a tree, then quickly, remove his helmet.

He does this successfully. Proust is no ninny.

It's a long day in the saddle and the final climb up Signal d'Uchan is brutal.

But there is always someone.

Matej Mohoric, of team Bahrain Victorious, is that someone today.

Stage 6: Tours to Châteauroux - Hole

A day for the fast finishers. The last 1.5 k is dead straight.

Mark Cavendish is wearing the green jersey.

Matthieu van der Poel is in yellow. 

Belle has relented, and is at the feed zone with snacks she bought earlier.

Terence and Saint Ténénan are beside her.

Can I give out the drinks? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. You're too low. They'd lose their balance.

What if I stand on a box? asks Terence.

Not allowed, says Belle.

What is allowed? asks Terence.

Encouragement, says Saint Ténénan. 

Cheating? asks Terence.

No, says Saint Ténénan. That isn't.

You cheated, says Terence. Belle said.

Never mind, says Belle. Team Philosophe is doing so badly it hardly matters.

We need Gaius to replace Saint Arnoc, says Saint Ténénan.

Too late now, says Belle.

The peloton enters the feed zone.

The riders take their musettes.

Belle thrusts one at Vello and one at David.

Where is Saint Arnoc? 

A long way behind.

Here he comes now, chatting to Arthur.

No thank you, says Saint Arnoc, passing Belle.

I'll take both, says Arthur.

He takes two.

Sweezus rides up, with Pablo. They have been discussing Pablo's new job last year in Chile.

He was employed as a diplomat.

And I could not go anywhere, says Pablo. Because of the covid19.

Bummer, says Sweezus.

They each take a musette.

Courage! says Terence. 

Thanks, little buddy, says Sweezus.

That was nice, says Belle.

What's in the musettes? asks Saint Ténénan.

Sainte-Maure cheese, says Belle.

My favourite goat cheese, says Saint Ténénan. It has the grey mouldy rind rolled in wood ash, and the hole through the middle.

Why does it have a hole through the middle? asks Terence.

For the straw, says Saint Ténénan.

And nougat, adds Belle.

Terence is confused, but Saint Ténénan isn't.

Some way down the route, Vello has finished his goat cheese and is taking a bite of the nougat. 

Watch your teeth on the nougat, David, says Vello. 

David loves nougat.

They are far from the finish, but not at the back of the peloton.

The sun is shining. 

Who cares who is winning?

Only Mark Cavendish, and that is because it is him.