Competent But Unlikely

It's late, but the lights are still on in the biological sciences lab.

Gaius drops his hired bicycle, and enters the lab.

Young Richard Ligon is there, with Professor Tinto.

They are watching two small snakes in a glass sided terrarium.

Gaius! says young Richard Ligon. Success!

Very good, says Gaius. I heard you had some results. What are they?

Young Richard Ligon shows Gaius the three DNA test printouts.

Excellent ! As we suspected, says Gaius.

He peers into the terrarium, at First Brother and Second Sister.

First Brother and Second Sister pay no attention to Gaius, because they are sharing a frog.

What happened to Tiny Sacrifice? asks Gaius.

Lost him, says young Richard Ligon. But it doesn't matter. These are his siblings, and I must say, a great deal more tractable.

And that is important, say Professor Tinto. Because we have a big conference organised.

Wonderful, says Gaius. Well good luck with that. By the way, has either of you seen Julia? I left something behind in her car.

She gave me a parcel, says Professor Tinto. Now where did I put it?

Behind the door, Professor Tinto, says young Richard Ligon.

Yes, over there, says Professor Tinto.

Gaius locates the parcel. It is loosely wrapped in two bread bags, tied with string in the middle.

Bread? inquires Professor Tinto. It'll be stale by now.

No, says Gaius. I'm not sure I should tell you what it is. But why not? After all, we're all scientists. It's a stuffed Barbados racer, stuffed long ago and kept in wardrobe, recently revealed when a female acquaintance needed slippers.

My, says Professor Tinto. If I were you, I'd keep it in the bread bag. Are you planning to take it out of the country?

I am hopeful of doing it, says Gaius. I fly to Düsseldorf tomorrow. As you probably know, the Tour de France starts off there, in July. I need to acclimatise...

Acclimatise! says Professor Tinto. Are you in it?

I believe so, says Gaius. I usually ride with Team Philosophe, or Team Condor. It is not yet decided.

Team Condor is a cool team, says young Richard Ligon. They've got Pablo Neruda.

Team Philosophe is also a cool team, if by that you mean competent but unlikely, says Gaius.

Young Richard Ligon agrees that by cool he means competent but unlikely.

Well, goodbye, says Gaius, waving his bread bag. A few bread crumbs fall out.

Waste not want not, says Gaius, dropping the breadcrumbs into the terrarium.

He exits the lab.

Nice fellow, says Professor Tinto. Very modest. It's a rare thing these days. But of course, he doesn't have the pressures.....

Complicated Trajectories

Three groups are slowly converging, under Saturn.

Gaius, Griff, Terence and the spirit of Iris Bannochie are on their way back to the hotel.

Tiny Sacrifice and Third Sister are getting nearer.

Ageless, Kobo and Nose are outside, on the beach.

A fourth party, young Richard Ligon, has lost track of the second party, and is doubling back to Gun Hill.

Gaius veers off on a whim. He will drop by the university to pick up the stuffed Barbados racer he left in Julia's mini.

Iris Bannochie, who sees in Gaius a reincarnation of her late second husband, goes with him.

Who shall we follow?

Young Richard Ligon. His trajectory is the least complicated.

He arrives at Gun Hill, determined to winkle more information from Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Good to see you, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Did you catch the snake siblings?

Not yet, says young Richard Ligon.

Thought not, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Snakes travel fast. By the way, you might like to remove my tin of red paint from ......between my back paws.

Why? asks young Richard Ligon. It's out of the way there.

It's out of MY way, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. But it's in the way of certain others. Just move it, will you.

Young Richard Ligon moves the red paint tin to a patch of dead grass.

A long collective moan emerges from the snake hole, followed by the head of Masteego.

Trying to kill us, hisses Masteego.

Tangerine calls from below. Is it safe to come out now?

No, says Masteego. There's a human.

I'm not a human, I'm a scientist, says young Richard Ligon. You're safe with me.

He says he's a scientist, darling, calls Masteego.

Oh, and that's all right is it? snaps Tangerine. First they discover us, then they carelessly reveal our location and open us up to poachers.

What do you want me to do, dear? asks Masteego. It's too late now.

Make him go. Tell him we're just here on holiday, says Tangerine.

I'm looking for Tiny Sacrifice, says young Richard Ligon. I hear he escaped with a sibling.

What did he say? asks Tangerine.

Tiny escaped with a sibling, says Masteego. Had you noticed?

No I hadn't, says Tangerine. Let me count my babies. One, two, three, four, five, six. Which one of you is missing?

Third Sister, says Second Brother.

Let this be a lesson to you, says Tangerine. What is the lesson?

Don't run off, says Second Brother.

That isn't the lesson, says Tangerine. Do I look unhappy?

No, says Second Brother.

It dawns on Second Brother that independence of spirit is valued.

That is the lesson.

How about, says Second Brother, I go with the scientist, in exchange for his silence.

I'll go too, says First Sister.

Masteego makes the offer.

Young Richard Ligon can hardly believe his good luck.

Saturn On Friday

It is still the same day, early evening.

Tiny Sacrifice and Third Sister have reached the base of Gun Hill.

Any more chocolate? asks Tiny Sacrifice.

No, says Third Sister. What else do snakes eat?

Frogs, say Tiny Sacrifice. Lizards. Other snakes, sometimes.

Yuk, says Third Sister. Would you eat me?

No way, says Tiny Sacrifice. You're my sister.

They slither on in silence, feeling hungry.

Where did you get the chocolate? asks Tiny Sacrifice.

Mother, says Third Sister.

Where did she get it?

A beautiful clam gave it to her, says Third Sister. Before we were born.

Let's find the beautiful clam, says Tiny Sacrifice.

How? asks Third Sister.

We'll ask Nose, says Tiny Sacrifice. Nose is my friend. She wears pirate pantaloons. She killed Stede Bonnet.

She sounds cool, say Third Sister. Let's go.

Tiny Sacrifice thinks he remembers the way back to the Waves Resort Hotel. It was just north of Deep Water Harbour. If he climbs up a tree, he might see it

But evening is deepening as he climbs up the cherry tree.

Lights are coming on in the Harbour.

Car headlights are flashing and swooping. Windows twinkle.

Saturn is visible in the sky. It is Friday.

What can you see? calls Third Sister.

The hotel, says Tiny Sacrifice. It's about ten minutes away.

Come down, calls Third Sister. I hear footsteps.

A cherry drops down.

Plop.

Tiny Sacrifice slithers down to his sister.

She is eating the cherry, but saving him half.

He loves his sister. She doesn't know he has eaten three cherries already.

They head off to the Waves Resort Hotel.

It is more than ten minutes away.

......

On the beach in front of the Waves Resort Hotel, sit Ageless lobster, and Kobo clam.

They are looking at Saturn.

The sky is beautiful tonight, says Kobo.

Not as lovely as you, my cream puff, says Ageless.

Why don't we stay in Barbados, says Kobo.

Because soon we'll be heading to Dusseldorf, says Ageless.

For the Tour de France? asks Kobo. Are you riding?

Not this year, my sweet. Baby Pierre has asked me to be his team manager.

Has he? says Kobo. What was he thinking?

I am the Claw. says Ageless. That's what he's thinking. The Claw knows all about tactics.

Do you hear sniffing? asks Kobo.

Ageless listens. He does.

They stop looking at Saturn, and focus on the sniffing, which is coming from Nose.

Kobo goes over.

What's the matter, Nose dear?

I feel so sorry for Tiny Sacrifice, says Nose. And I want to go home.

Come and sit with us, says Kobo. Where are the others?

At the Harry Bayley Observatory, sniffs Nose. I didn't go. I'm waiting for Tiny.

We'll all wait for Tiny, says Kobo. Come and sit in the middle. We're looking at Saturn.

It's a nice thing to do.

Wrong Thoughts About Life

It is mid afternoon when young Richard Ligon returns to Gun Hill, with a tin of red paint.

Yes! In the end he had got what he went for.

Hola! says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Red paint.

Yep! says young Richard Ligon. Chap in the paint shop tried to sell me paint stripper and waterproofer, and told me red was the wrong colour, but I stuck to your order.

Wrong colour? asks Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Why?

Red is for impulsive and optimistic, says young Richard Ligon.

It's a ball, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. It has little or no personality. Sounds like codswallop.

I know, says young Richard Ligon. And orange is no better.

Just for interest's sake, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson, what's the profile of orange?

Sociable, friendly, love of adventure, says young Richard Ligon.

That's me! says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Don't look like that. Only kidding. Red's good. But I do love adventure.

Must be hard, being stuck here, says young Richard Ligon.

No, my life isn't tedious,  I see all kinds of comings and goings, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Speaking of which.....

Yes?

Errr.. um... Tiny Sacrifice has left the snake hole. I was unable to stop him.

Fuck! says young Richard Ligon. Which way did he go?

There's only one way, says the lion. Downhill. One of his siblings was with him.

You sure? asks young Richard Ligon. Two of them! This could be huge! How long ago?

About half an hour, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Are you intending to follow them?

Of course I am! says young Richard Ligon. The sooner the better. Where do you want the paint?

I was rather hoping that you.....begins Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Yeah, but you screwed up, says young Richard Ligon.

True, sighs Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Just put the tin anywhere.

Young Richard Ligon shoves the tin of red Perma Flat Emulsion into the space between the back paws of the lion, inadvertently covering the entrance to the snake hole.

It goes darker than the usual degree of darkness inside.

Masteego! cries Tangerine. What has happened? Is it a punishment?

A temporary eclipse, says Masteego. Don't worry. It will pass.

Why is it so dark, mother? cry the babies, (all but Third Sister).

........

Tiny Sacrifice and Third Sister are slithering their way down Gun Hill.

They are not in a hurry. They have nowhere special to go.

This is the big world, says Tiny Sacrifice. How do you like it?

I love it, says Third Sister. What's to eat?

We'll find something, says Tiny Sacrifice. I climbed a tree once and found tree eggs.

You're so clever, says Third Sister.

You'll soon be as clever as me, says Tiny Sacrifice. Look there's a  tree. Go and climb it.

Third Sister tries, but can't seem to get any traction.

Watch me, says Tiny Sacrifice. He winds his way up the tree.

But this tree has no tree eggs.

He winds his way down again.

It's not dinner time yet, says Tiny Sacrifice.

Never mind, says Third Sister. Have some chocolate.

They share her last piece of Cacao Grenada.

Both thinking (wrongly): Life is good.

Not Impulsive Not Sexy Not Red

Young Richard Ligon is about to learn there is no such thing as a quick trip to the paint store.

In the High Street of Bridgetown, he finds Caribbean Champions of Colour, and goes inside.

Hello, says Harris. What can I do for you this fine morning?

Just a tin of red paint, says young Richard Ligon.

Hold it right there! says Harris. We know paint. I'll need to ask a few questions. First question: what is the paint for?

A lion, says young Richard Ligon. Not actually the lion, his ball.

Harris is quick on the uptake.

The Gun Hill Lion! says Harris. I know the one. Oh yes, I've often thought about that ball. It's a disgrace to the military. I put in a quote once, but the powers that be rejected it. Too expensive. I ask you! So..... did you get permission?

Shit, says young Richard Ligon. I never..... no, I don't have permission. But it was the lion who asked for it.

Okay, says Harris. Next question. What is the nature and condition of the surface?

You should know, says young Richard Ligon.

I have to ask these questions, says Harris. See, I'm punching them into my paint app. It'll tell us which products to recommend for optimal results.

Products! says young Richard Ligon. I just want red paint. Have you got any or haven't you?

When did you last buy paint? asks Harris.

Never, says young Richard Ligon. I live in rented accommodation.

So just answer the questions, says Harris.

Coral, says young Richard Ligon. Weathered coral. With several old red paint streaks.

Very good, says Harris, punching in this valuable (to the paint store finances) information.

A few seconds elapse while the paint app goes through its calculations.

Bingo! says Harris. You'll need a tin of paint stripper, and a 5 litre tin of  Febproof Plus Waterproof and Plasticiser, plus the paint. The app recommends our Harris Perma Flat Emulsion.

How much will that cost? asks young Richard Ligon.

That depends on the size of the ball, and how many coats you'll be giving it, says Harris. Yes I know, I've seen it. Okay. Say two coats. One tin ought to do it.

The cost? asks young Richard Ligon.

Not up to that yet, says Harris. I need to talk you through the Colour Psychology Test. This'll be tricky.

Why? asks young Richard Ligon.

Because you're buying the paint for a third party, says Harris.

I meant why do you have to do it, says young Richard Ligon.

We always do it, says Harris. It prevents complaints later.

All right, says young Richard Ligon. But can you speed it up a bit? I'm in a hurry.

Okay, says Harris. We'll start with red.

Seeing that's what I asked for, says young Richard Ligon.

Harris ignores him.

Would you say the lion is impulsive, sexy, quick to speak his mind, believes life is meant to be happy and exciting, and is an optimistic and animated leader?

No, says young Richard Ligon.

Then red's not the right colour, says Harris. Let's try orange. Would you say the lion is sociable, friendly, charming, has many friends and displays a natural enthusiasm and love of adventure?

None of these qualities seem to apply to Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

But time is wasting, and young Richard Ligon is sorely tempted to say yes.

No Nonsense Parental

The night ( which is still last night) continues.

Young Richard Ligon becomes impatient.

He shouts down the snake hole: Hoy! Come out now!

Tiny Sacrifice is having too much fun entertaining his brothers and sisters.

They can't get enough of his tales.

Even Tangerine and Masteego are listening.

The first thing I tried was half a raisin, says Tiny Sacrifice. And that was okay. But then they stuck a cotton bud down me.

What's a cotton bud? asks Third Sister, eyes wide.

A long white plastic thing with soft ends, says Tiny Sacrifice. I was as stiff as a snorkel.

What's a snorkel? asks Second Brother.

I'm getting to that, says Tiny Sacrifice. The raisin came out with the cotton bud, then I was fearfully hungry.

The brothers and sisters have never been fearfully hungry, because of the chocolate.

My friend....begins Tiny Sacrifice.

What friend? snaps Masteego.

Terence, says Tiny Sacrifice. He's a nice little boy. He took me on a mission to rescue his parrot, called Nose. I had to hide inside a snorkel and float from one ship to another...

That's enough now, children, says Tangerine. Bed time.

Aw, say the brothers and sisters.

No, that's it, says Masteego. Sleep, and no whispering!

Tiny Sacrifice loves this example of no-nonsense parental discipline.

He is the first to curl up in the corner.

....

He's not coming out, observes Not-Henry-Wilkinson. If you want to go, I'll keep watch until morning.

Very kind, says young Richard Ligon. I could do with some shut eye.

All I ask, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson, is a little red paint, to smarten my ball up.

Sure, says young Richard Ligon. Red paint. Not a problem.

.......

The next morning young Richard Ligon heads to the University for the results of the DNA test.

Professor Tinto is already there.

This could be a big thing for the University, says Professor Tinto. Imagine the funding we'll attract.

They examine the three sets of printouts.

Y Chromosome testing, showing variations in the Y chromosome passed from father to son. The test shows that Tiny Sacrifice's father is an arboreal tree snake.

Mitochondrial DNA testing, providing information about the direct female line. The test shows that Tiny Sacrifice's mother is a Barbados racer, therefore not extinct.

The Single Nucleotide Polymorphism test, evaluating large numbers of variations across the subject's entire genome, estimates Tiny Sacrifice's ethnic background. He is 50 % Barbadian, 25% African 20% Asian and 5% unknown.

Eureka! cries young Richard Ligon. What do we do now?

Keep it under wraps for the moment, says Profesor Tinto. I'll organise a conference. The important thing is, we have the....where is he? And where is the mother?

Young Richard Ligon promises to produce both the subject and the mother, after a quick trip to the paint store.

Tango Chocolate And Paint

A lot has happened to Tiny Sacrifice since last night at Gun Hill.

His parents lay low in their snake hole, under the lion.

They didn't come out.

They already had enough children.

Tiny Sacrifice sniffed in the darkness.

He could smell chocolate.

....

It's his brothers and sisters, eating the chocolate.

Tiny Sacrifice was removed as an egg. He knows nothing of brothers and sisters.

Young Richard Ligon shines his torch on the lion, whose name is Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Bit late for a delivery, growls Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Where is it?

What are you expecting? asks young Richard Ligon.

Paint for my ball, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Sorry, I don't have it, says young Richard Ligon. But since you're awake, have you seen this little guy's family?

Not-Henry-Wilkinson has. And he dislikes them, for three reasons.

1). The constant tango music, going on underneath him.
2). The fecundity of Tangerine and Masteego.
3). And they owe him some paint.

Yes, says Not Henry-Wilkinson. I have. They live below me.

I knew it! says Tiny Sacrifice.

He wriggles into the hole underneath Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Ask them about my paint, mutters Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

In the hole, the brothers and sisters stop sucking Cacao Grenada.

Tangerine and Masteego straighten up.

Mother! cries Tiny Sacrifice.

Tiny, says his mother, with a lesser degree of excitement

He's home.

Young Richard Ligon waits outside the hole, for something to happen.

What's your interest? asks Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

A possible new species, says young Richard Ligon. The mother was thought to be an extinct Barbados racer.

Shit! says Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

He knew that, but had lately forgotten.

I'm currently getting a DNA test done, adds young Richard Ligon. Results should be in now.

Really? says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. I always wanted a DNA test.

 I reckon you're coral, says young Richard Ligon. Clastic carbonate sediment. And you're wearing away a bit.

Don't I know it, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Down below, Tiny Sacrifice is getting to know his three brothers and four sisters.

We've never been anywhere, says First Brother. Where have you been?

I've been on a pirate ship, says Tiny Sacrifice. And I've eaten a sandfly. But I don't recommend them.

We've got chocolate, says Third Sister. Would you like some?

Yes, please, says Tiny Sacrifice.

At least the boy has good manners, observes Masteego.