Not Impulsive Not Sexy Not Red

Young Richard Ligon is about to learn there is no such thing as a quick trip to the paint store.

In the High Street of Bridgetown, he finds Caribbean Champions of Colour, and goes inside.

Hello, says Harris. What can I do for you this fine morning?

Just a tin of red paint, says young Richard Ligon.

Hold it right there! says Harris. We know paint. I'll need to ask a few questions. First question: what is the paint for?

A lion, says young Richard Ligon. Not actually the lion, his ball.

Harris is quick on the uptake.

The Gun Hill Lion! says Harris. I know the one. Oh yes, I've often thought about that ball. It's a disgrace to the military. I put in a quote once, but the powers that be rejected it. Too expensive. I ask you! So..... did you get permission?

Shit, says young Richard Ligon. I never..... no, I don't have permission. But it was the lion who asked for it.

Okay, says Harris. Next question. What is the nature and condition of the surface?

You should know, says young Richard Ligon.

I have to ask these questions, says Harris. See, I'm punching them into my paint app. It'll tell us which products to recommend for optimal results.

Products! says young Richard Ligon. I just want red paint. Have you got any or haven't you?

When did you last buy paint? asks Harris.

Never, says young Richard Ligon. I live in rented accommodation.

So just answer the questions, says Harris.

Coral, says young Richard Ligon. Weathered coral. With several old red paint streaks.

Very good, says Harris, punching in this valuable (to the paint store finances) information.

A few seconds elapse while the paint app goes through its calculations.

Bingo! says Harris. You'll need a tin of paint stripper, and a 5 litre tin of  Febproof Plus Waterproof and Plasticiser, plus the paint. The app recommends our Harris Perma Flat Emulsion.

How much will that cost? asks young Richard Ligon.

That depends on the size of the ball, and how many coats you'll be giving it, says Harris. Yes I know, I've seen it. Okay. Say two coats. One tin ought to do it.

The cost? asks young Richard Ligon.

Not up to that yet, says Harris. I need to talk you through the Colour Psychology Test. This'll be tricky.

Why? asks young Richard Ligon.

Because you're buying the paint for a third party, says Harris.

I meant why do you have to do it, says young Richard Ligon.

We always do it, says Harris. It prevents complaints later.

All right, says young Richard Ligon. But can you speed it up a bit? I'm in a hurry.

Okay, says Harris. We'll start with red.

Seeing that's what I asked for, says young Richard Ligon.

Harris ignores him.

Would you say the lion is impulsive, sexy, quick to speak his mind, believes life is meant to be happy and exciting, and is an optimistic and animated leader?

No, says young Richard Ligon.

Then red's not the right colour, says Harris. Let's try orange. Would you say the lion is sociable, friendly, charming, has many friends and displays a natural enthusiasm and love of adventure?

None of these qualities seem to apply to Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

But time is wasting, and young Richard Ligon is sorely tempted to say yes.