The Village Of Dicks

I know nothing of Harrison's Cave, says Gaius.

You'll like Harrison's cave, says Julia. It's beautiful. Have you done any caving?

The Movile Cave, in Romania, says Gaius. It was most unpleasant. We needed breathing apparatus.

I've heard of it, says Julia. Strange creatures live down there.

The worse the air gets, the more creatures there are, says Gaius. But there are no food particles in the water, which seeps up from below. However, a strange frothy foam sits on top of the water containing millions upon millions of bacteria....

Autotrophs, says Julia. I know. Harrison's Cave is not like that. It has wonderful stalactite and stalagmite formations.

Speleothems, says Gaius.

Yes, says Julia. And the cave network goes for at least two kilometres, winding past streams and pools.

I look forward to seeing it, says Gaius.

And he does. But he wouldn't, if she had mentioned the train.

......

They arrive at Harrison's Cave and climb out of the Mini.

Large numbers of tourists are gathered.

Some of them are small children, with their parents.

Mummy! When do we get on the TRAIN?

In a minute, dear. Just be patient.

A cave train is anathema to someone like Gaius. A cave train!

A dinky touristy cave train. No doubt halting now and then for cheesy photo opportunities.

Julia pays at the ticket box, and they head down to the cave train.

Gaius is thinking: I shall have to endure it.

He settles into his seat.

Wooh! Wooh! Off they go.

Rattling down into the underground wonderland, without a notebook.

He closes his eyes.

The train stops at an emerald green lagoon.

Snap snap.

This is the Great Hall.

Ooh! Lovely. Chandeliers, look!

Gaius remembers the difficult entry to the Movile. That was more like it. The rope, the broken glass sample bottles at the bottom, broken by Arthur. The stink of hydrogen sulphide.....

It was there he had found Daniel O'Connell, the translucent spider. And taken him to the Canaries.

The train stops again.

This formation is known as The Village.

Someone giggles behind him.

Hee-hee, a village of dicks!

Hee-hee! Don't be disgusting! But they do a bit, yes....

The train moves on.

Julia nudges him. What do you think of it so far?

Eh? What? Yes, the village of dicks.

Very nice, says Gaius.

He wonders what happened to Daniel O'Connell, after the microlattice legs were fitted. Did he become one of Terence's parrots? If he did, he was one in a long line of failures. Where is he now?

The train halts again.

This formation is known as The Altar. On the left, we see a man, kneeling.....

Gaius keeps his eyes shut, not needing to see it.

Hum. He ought to have kept up with Daniel O'Connell. That's his trouble. Always jumping from one thing to another. And then there is Nose. Another creature removed from her habitat. Worse, from her COUNTRY of origin! And Tiny Sacrifice. But perhaps he will stay here at home.

What's Julia saying?

...caves were rediscovered in the 1970s by Ole Sorensen and Tony Mason.....

Sounds of water trickling. Drips on his head. She ought to have told him to wear a  hat. Why didn't she?

Rediscovered, did she say?

Rediscovered? says Gaius

Yes, weren't you listening? Rediscovered. The caves were first mentioned in 1795.

Aha! By Griff, probably. Or was it? Perhaps he should pay more attention.

The train has stopped at The Rotunda. This time he and Julia get out of the train. She takes a photo.

Look! a cascading waterfall. Drapery and straws hanging down from the cave roof. Charming!

Gaius is jostled, from behind.

And jostled again.

A large Bajan woman is doing it, in a parrot green dress and very high turban.