What Clowns Know

 Gaius has asked Denis Diderot to accompany him to Adelaide, and thence to Port Lowly.

Denis Diderot has agreed.

Am I coming? asks Terence.

Certainly, says Gaius. Lately you've been very helpful.

And now I've got my glowing finger I'll be even more helpful, says Terence.

While it lasts, says Saint Roley.

Will Roo-kai find me another one? asks Terence.

If he hasn't found your claw or your finger, says Saint Roley. Otherwise, tell him to look for a clown.

I don't like clowns, says Terence.

No one does, says Saint Roley. But they know where to buy red noses and glowing fingers.

Okay, says Terence. 

Now I'm heading back to Saint Malo, says Saint Roley. So this is goodbye.

Goodbye, says Terence. 

All right then, says Saint Roley. Goodbye.

He walks out of the café on his orange feet, and takes flight in a north-westerly direction.

Is that where he last saw his brother? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius. Floating off on the cardboard towards the horizon.

Couldn't the brother fly? asks Sweezus.

 Could, but apparently didn't, says Gaius. Put his faith in the pointing finger.

Shit, says Sweezus. Weird how a bird would do that.

David and I have a train to catch, says Vello. So we too must leave you.

Good luck breaking into your chateau, says Denis Diderot.

Thank you Denis, says Vello. And thanks for your work on the Tour. That chicken mask was quite amusing, in hindsight.

Nice of you to say so, says Denis Diderot.

It is, agrees Vello.

They shake hands, and Vello and David head out of the café.

We'd better go too, says Sweezus. Catching the train to Marseille.

Don't forget to keep in touch with the office, says Belle.

As if, says Sweezus.

He and Arthur leave the café and head to the station.

'As if 'could be taken two ways, observes Denis Diderot.

I know, says Belle. 

The waiter comes by, with the bill.

Two rounds of crepes for seven people, a jus de cassis, and seven coffees.

Two hundred and forty three euros.

Paris prices! says Denis Diderot, looking at Gaius.

Let's split it three ways, says Belle. And I'll chase up the others for their share.

Saint Roley didn't have anything, says Terence.

That does make it simpler, says Belle.

At The Loose End

Coffee anyone? asks Denis Diderot.

Why not, sys Vello. This may be our last meeting for quite some time.

Indeed, says Gaius. Mine's an espresso.

Denis calls a waiter and orders the coffees. 

What can I have? asks Terence.

You've already had chocolate curls, says Belle.

They're not going anywhere, says Terence.

He shows her his tongue.

She frowns. She should have realised that the chocolate curls would remain there.

Okay, says Belle. A red drink should fix it.

She calls the waiter.

Un jus de cassis, s'il vous plait, says Belle.

Oui, bien sur, says the waiter.

Plans, Denis? asks Vello.

Not at present. I'm at a loose end, says Denis Diderot.

Which end is loose? asks Terence.

This end, says Denis. Which is the present. What I mean is, I'm open to suggestions.

You could always come to Ferney with David and me, says Vello. But it may not suit you.

Why not? asks Denis Diderot.

Last time we visited Vello's old chateau we had to break in, says David.

Why was that? asks Denis Diderot.

It's open to the public says Vello. And they lock it at night.

You should let them know you're coming, says Belle.

Where's the fun in that? says Vello. There'd be endless formalities.

Denis does not like the sound of breaking into Vello's old chateau, or the alternative, an announced arrival with endless formalities, and himself as hanger-on. Non merci.

Do you have plans, Sweezus? asks Denis.

Me and Arthur are going to Marseille, says Sweezus.

Are you? says Vello. How long for?

Just a couple of days, says Sweezus.

Someone needs to be in the office, says Vello.

You know he could do it from Marseille? says Belle. It's an online magazine so why does Sweezie even need to be in the office?

Yeah, says Sweezus. I could do it like, in the evenings.

Vello looks doubtful. 

What about you Gaius? asks Denis Diderot.

The algal bloom beckons, says Gaius. 

That sounds intriguing, says Denis Diderot.

It's a natural disaster in South Australian waters, says Gaius. It's killing the marine life.

Nasty, says Denis Diderot. Has anyone tried vinegar?

One would need a great deal of vinegar, says Gaius. 

I was joking, says Denis Diderot.

Oh, I see, says Gaius. But it's not funny for the marine life. I hear the sepia apama might be affected.

The giant cuttlefish in the Upper Spencer Gulf? says Denis Diderot.

Impressive, that you should know, says Gaius.

Comes from writing an encyclopedia, says Denis Diderot.

Gaius wonders if Denis might like to accompany him to Whyalla.

Denis wonders if Gaius is going to ask him.

Whose Would You Lick?

The crepes au chocolat have arrived at the table.

Everyone is eating again.

Except Terence who isn't allowed to.

Can I at least lick the chocolate, asks Terence.

No better not, says Belle. Whose chocolate would you lick anyway?

He could lick mine, says Sweezus. 

Now? asks Terence.

Later, says Sweezus.

Then there'll be none left, says Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus, but I don't want you licking my chocolate before I've finished.

He could use his finger, says Gaius. 

Terence dips his finger into Sweezus's crepe au chocolat.

It turns brown.

The finger, that is.

Now he can lick it.

But what about the battery inside?

What's the matter? asks Saint Roley.

Nothing, says Terence. 

Something is, says Saint Roley. I know that face.

I might get a shock, says Terence. AND my finger's stopped glowing.

Give it to me, says Belle. I'll scrape the chocolate onto my plate.

Terence gives Belle the finger.

She starts scraping.

Little curls of chocolate drop onto her plate.

Now, says Belle. You can have these. They won't hurt you.

Terence licks the little curls of chocolate.

Will they melt on his tongue?

No, they just sit there. 

Curling.

So much for that, says Vello. Are we all done here?

No, says Gaius. Arthur hasn't presented his poem.

I wasn't going to bother, says Arthur.

You are going to bother, says Sweezus. I'm in the lead so far.

Are you? says Gaius. That's not how I see it. 

Let me be the judge, says Saint Roley.

You ARE the judge, says Denis Diderot. Although I don't see how a bird can judge poetry.

Saint Roley ignores this rude comment.

Arthur delivers his poem: Island

Resembling an island / passed by flocks of spotted birds with beaks of yellow/ I cycle on/ while in my wake drowned men sink backwards.

Woah! says Sweezus. Good one, Arthur. Drowned men sink backwards.

The cyclist as an island, says Gaius. That's just how it feels. A fine conceit, Arthur.

It looks like Arthur might have a good chance of winning.

Everyone looks at Saint Roley.

Saint Roley thinks: Birds with beaks of yellow. Did he include that because I was judging? If so why not choose orange? But perhaps I'm too harsh.

Arthur wins, says Saint Roley.

The Final Surprise

Team Condor and Team Philosophe are eating savoury crepes in a cafe.

Another Tour de France over, says Vello.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Now we can relax.

But not for long, says Vello. Not you anyway.

Why what's up? asks Sweezus. 

I'm going to take a little holiday, says Vello.

All right for some, says Denis Diderot.

I'm sure you can afford a holiday, says Vello.

No one reads my encyclopedia these days, says Denis.

I do, says Gaius.

Apart from you, says Denis. And I must make a living.

Tap tap!

Saint Roley is outside the cafe, looking in.

Can Saint Roley come in? asks Terence.

I'll go and get him, says Belle.

She goes out to escort Saint Roley back to their table.

Did you get my new finger? asks Terence.

I did, says Saint Roley. This one has a new battery.

Yay! says Terence. How long will it go for?

It should last till you get back to Adelaide, says Saint Roley.

Then what? asks Terence.

Roo-kai might have found your old claw, says Saint Roley.

Terence loves his glowing finger, says Belle.

But it is unsustainable, says Saint Roley.

It was in Gaius's poem, in his language, says Terence. 

Did he win? asks Saint Roley.

We don't know yet, says David. We haven't heard Sweezus's poem, or Arthur's.

Who's judging? asks Saint Roley.

How about you do it, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Saint Roley. 

More crepes anyone? asks David.

Yes, please!  David summons a waiter.

Crepes au chocolat pour tout le monde, says David. 

Oui, bien sur, says the waiter.

I'll go first says Sweezus. My poem's called The Final Surprise.

He continues: 

Moules frites, potjevleesch/  potted meat with fries/ cabbage soup with chicken/ octopus pies/ fricadelles, raclettes/ savoy cake that flies/ into the skies/ as a final surprise.

I like it, says Saint Roley. Especially the moules and the flies.

Flies is a verb, says Sweezus. The CAKE flies.

Even better, says Saint Roley.

Arthur realises he has little chance of winning the poetry competition.

Stage 21: Mantes-la-Ville to Paris - Exhilarating

The final stage. At last!

And not a day too soon.

I'll be glad when this is over, says Sweezus.

You're doing all right, says Arthur. 

Yes, we've all made a good effort, says Gaius.

Now we just need an unbiased judgement, says Sweezus.

What are we talking about? asks Gaius.

The poetry competition, says Arthur. Who's going first?

Shouldn't we wait until the race is over? asks Gaius.

Yeah maybe, says Sweezus. Where are we going again?

You know, says Arthur. Three times up the Col de la Butte Montmartre.

Three freaking times, says Sweezus. What's the point of it?

To make it more exhilarating, says Gaius. 

They ride on. 

They are nowhere near Montmartre.

They draw level with Team Philosophe.

How's the famous poetry competion going? asks Vello.

Mine is complete, says Gaius. Would you like to hear it?

Yes, says David. Is it in Latin?

It is, says Gaius. I find I do my best poetry in Latin. Not that I do much. But I once wrote fine poem about boating restrictions.

I don't think I know that one, says Denis.

Naves non licet/ In regione flava/ Signum non leget/ Non ante naves, says Gaius.

That's quite good, says Denis Diderot. Licet and leget. Naves and naves.

Don't pretend you're an expert, says Vello.

It's those clever repetitions, says Denis Diderot.

Thank you Denis, says Gaius. My latest effort is perhaps not up to that standard.

Spit it out anyway, says Vello.

Digitus lucens/ In summo montis/ Cibum tenens/ Me mirat, says Gaius.

What's it mean? asks Sweezus. Arthur come on, you're good at Latin.

A glowing finger at the summit holding the food surprises me, says Arthur.

Cool! says Sweezus. That's kind of in the moment.

So it is, says Vello. Very good Gaius. I think you should win.

Hey? says Sweezus.

You mean the poetry competition? asks Gaius.

Of course, says Vello. None of us is likely to win the stage. We're at the back already.

Crumbs! Vello is right! They had better get a move on.

Pedal, pedal, puff, puff.

At last they are in Paris.

There are Parisians everywhere especially on Montmartre.

Cheering.

Who for? 

Wout van Aert, who has triumphed in an exhilarating finish.

And Tadej Pogacar has retained the yellow jersey to win his fourth Tour de France.

Or something.

Stage 20: Nantua to Pontarlier - Feathers

A hilly stage, no more cruel mountains.

Good chance for attackers today.

Alas, at the start, it is raining.

The riders ride out from Nantua, past a beautiful lake.

Breakaways form.

Various riders try to go out solo.

And are reeled in.

It's not long before everyone is hungry.

Where's this feeding station? grumbles Vello.

Can't be far off, says David.

I'll find out, says Denis Diderot.

He taps Lenny Martinez, who is passing.

How far to the feeding station? asks Denis Diderot.

Looking for chickenfeed? asks Lenny.

This is unfair. Denis is not wearing his chicken mask.

That was a private joke between me and my team mates, says Denis Diderot.

Everyone saw you, says Lenny.

My joke fell flat, says Denis Diderot. They didn't believe I was Remco.

Ha ha! As if! laughs Lenny.

He speeds off, to try and go solo.

Find anything out? asks David.

Up ahead, says Denis Diderot.

But how far? asks Vello.

Lenny wouldn't tell me, says Denis.

It turns out not to matter.

The feeding station is here.

And Terence is holding out the musettes, on his dimly glowing finger.

Saint Roley is off somewhere, trying to cadge another one, from a clown.

What have we here? asks Vello.

Diots! shouts Belle.

What did she call us? asks Denis.

Diots are sausages, says Vello. Spiced with nutmeg. Very nice too.

And delicious Bresse chicken! shouts Belle.

O joy! says Vello. Bresse chicken. The best! 

And Savoy cake! shouts Belle in a tiny voice as they vanish into the distance. 

And another thing, which they do not hear.

But Kaden Groves is behind them and he has heard it.

He speeds up, and passes on the message.

Don't let your cake get away, says Kaden Groves, zooming past them.

How could it? asks Vello.

But Kaden can't answer that question. 

And so when Team Philosophe open their musettes the Savoy cakes ( light as feathers ) take wing and fly into the Jura mountains.

In other news, Kaden Groves goes on to win the stage solo, in Pontarlier.

Stage 19: Albertville to la Plagne - Chicken Mask

Guess what? Stage 19 has been shortened, due to contagious nodular dermatitis.

In cows, not the riders.

But you can't be too careful.

Shorter. That's good. The tour is already seeming too long.

The teams exit the charming town of Albertville.

Team Philosophe is pretending things are normal.

But things are not.

Denis Diderot has turned up today dressed as a chicken.

Not a whole chicken. That would make cycling awkward. 

But wearing a chicken mask.

Denis you fool, says Vello. What do you think you're achieving?

York-squork! says Denis Diderot. It's not me.

Who is it then? asks David.

Remco Evenepoel, squawks the chicken.

Didn't he abandon in stage 14? asks David.

But I didn't go home, says the chicken.

Does he sound like Remco to you? asks Vello.

No, he sounds like a chicken, says David. Are there rules against this?

No rules against chicken masks! squawks the chicken.

Tim Merlier speeds by, but not before noticing.

Great chicken mask, Denis, says Tim Merlier.

Vello is relieved. Tim would have recognised Remco.

Wouldn't he?

Team Philosphe continues without speaking or squawking.

The crowd loves them!

Some even have placards that say Go Chicken!!!!

The fans wearing chicken costumes feel expecially elated.

Even the yellow hat-wearers feel somehow involved.

At the feeding station, Belle waits with Terence and Saint Roley.

My glowing finger needs a new battery, says Terence.

I don't know if the batteries are replaceable, says Saint Roley.

Wah! says Terence. I LOVE this finger!

Along come Sweezus, Arthur and Gaius.

Belle hands them their musettes.

Quenelles! shouts Belle. Filled with creamed fish!

Sounds awesome! shouts Sweezus.

How's the poetry comp going? shouts Belle.

Up the hairy mountain, down the slushy glen, shouts Sweezus.

Belle laughs. 

He's in a good humour.

And here comes Team Philosophe.

Why is Denis Diderot wearing a chicken mask?

How will he eat his quenelle?

He lifts it. To reveal his identity. It is Denis.

Everyone is happy about the stage being shorter.

The leaders are approaching La Plagne.

And they are: Thymen Arensman, Jonas Vingegaard, Tadej Pogacar, Florian Lipowitz and Oscar Onley.

No, Oscar Onley is dropped.

Will Arensman keep his lead or be overtaken by one of the others?

No, he wins by two seconds!

And Vingo comes second, followed closely by Pogacar.

Good. The shortened king stage is done.