As a matter of interest, let us look into the bucket of Surfing-With-Whales.
Two small leatherjackets. Not much of a catch.
Not much of a catch, dear, says Mrs Swales.
Mum! says Surfing-With-Whales. You haven't seen what I just threw back in.
What was that, dear? asks Mrs Swales.
Coupl'a Old Wives, says Surfing-With-Whales, gritting his teeth against the wind.
I never understood why they were called that, says Mrs Swales.
A fisher person standing within earshot butts in.
They're called that because of the sound they make when you pull the hook out, says the fisher person.
And what sound is that? asks Mrs Swales.
A sucking sound like false teeth, kind of, says the fisher person. Also, they're poison.
Shh! says another hooded fisher person, from further away.
Well dear, whispers Mrs Swales, I just came out here to let you now you've had a phone call.
Who from? whispers Surfing-With-Whales.
That nice Bunny, says Mrs Swales.
Unni, says Surfing-With-Whales.
He has bittersweet memories of Unni.
What did she want? asks Surfing-With-Whales.
Don't know, you'll have to call her, says Mrs Swales vaguely.
She wanders back down the jetty.
She sees the twin backs of Freud and Katherine, in the gloom.
She ignores them, as you do old wet people.
The old wet people are cold. The wind is freshening.
They get into Katherine's car.
She turns on the heater.
This won't do, says Freud. I wonder if we could find accommodation at this late hour?
Mrs Swales' car is parked next to Katherine's.
Mrs Swales gets into her car.
She is thinking about inherent sexism in fish names.
Then she thinks of her own careless assumptions.
She glances across at the car next to her, with its rapidly steaming up windows.
She gets out of her car, and knocks on the door.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
For Those With Night Vision
Katherine's toe has stopped bleeding.
Freud's mouth is gritty with sand.
They walk to the end of the jetty, past hooded fishermen and women with buckets.
They reach the ladder, and lean over to peer down at the dark swirling water.
Shall we? says Freud.
Why not? says Katherine.
They hoist their legs over the barrier, and climb down the ladder, Katherine first.
She reaches the bottom and jumps.
Freud jumps in after her.
What fools these mortals be, thinks the salmon, who is watching.
It is not the right time of year for salmon, but this one is The Guardian.
If any salmon turn up, he says: You are early (or late).
And they go away, feeling foolish.
However, the reef teems with life.
Underneath Freud, who is swimming briskly in heavy shorts and loose tee shirt, there are wonders to be seen, by those with night vision.
Marine plants and fish, bryozoans, sponges, hydroids, ascidians, molluscs, drummer, trevally, blue devils....
Katherine strikes out for the reef.
It should be there somewhere.
But the date is against her.
It is Halloween. High tide is at 8.50 pm.
She swims around for a while in a circle, and bumps into her companion.
Agh! Is that you dear?
Yes, it is, I believe the reef must be covered. We failed to observe in the darkness....
Bump. Katherine bumps into a salmon. THE salmon.
Boo! says the Salmon.
You must have some fun on Halloween.
Katherine heads for the ladder, followed by Freud.
They walk back down the jetty, dripping, past hooded fishermen and women with buckets.
No one looks up.
If they had, there could have been a great fictional coincidence.
Because one of them is Surfing-with-Whales,
who knows where to find Sweezus and Arthur,
who are being sought by Gaius and Rosamunda,
who are back at the van.
But no one looks up.
Freud's mouth is gritty with sand.
They walk to the end of the jetty, past hooded fishermen and women with buckets.
They reach the ladder, and lean over to peer down at the dark swirling water.
Shall we? says Freud.
Why not? says Katherine.
They hoist their legs over the barrier, and climb down the ladder, Katherine first.
She reaches the bottom and jumps.
Freud jumps in after her.
What fools these mortals be, thinks the salmon, who is watching.
It is not the right time of year for salmon, but this one is The Guardian.
If any salmon turn up, he says: You are early (or late).
And they go away, feeling foolish.
However, the reef teems with life.
Underneath Freud, who is swimming briskly in heavy shorts and loose tee shirt, there are wonders to be seen, by those with night vision.
Marine plants and fish, bryozoans, sponges, hydroids, ascidians, molluscs, drummer, trevally, blue devils....
Katherine strikes out for the reef.
It should be there somewhere.
But the date is against her.
It is Halloween. High tide is at 8.50 pm.
She swims around for a while in a circle, and bumps into her companion.
Agh! Is that you dear?
Yes, it is, I believe the reef must be covered. We failed to observe in the darkness....
Bump. Katherine bumps into a salmon. THE salmon.
Boo! says the Salmon.
You must have some fun on Halloween.
Katherine heads for the ladder, followed by Freud.
They walk back down the jetty, dripping, past hooded fishermen and women with buckets.
No one looks up.
If they had, there could have been a great fictional coincidence.
Because one of them is Surfing-with-Whales,
who knows where to find Sweezus and Arthur,
who are being sought by Gaius and Rosamunda,
who are back at the van.
But no one looks up.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Suction Under The Jetty
At the very moment the owl is setting forth on its night journey
leaving Terence and Baby Pierre in the wet grass with the news of the fate of poor Sarah,
while Rosamunda dreams of Ming Rong,
and Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi lie low and rigid in the Pee Pee Pee Po van,
Freud and Katherine have stepped into the water under the jetty.
Katherine: It's arousing.
Freud: What do you mean?
Katherine: The slurping of the water, in, out, in, out, and the sucking.
Freud: Katherine! Language.
Katherine: You old fool.
Freud: Katherine, I never know when you're joking.
Katherine: Listen. Is that a large species of fish?
Freud: Fish are generally silent.
Katherine: Then it's some type of swimmer.
Freud: Shall we get out of the water?
Katherine: No, let's go in deeper.
Freud: All right.
Slurp! Suck! Shwii! Gurgle....
Katherine: Paddling is dangerous. I've grazed my big toe on a bollard.
Freud: Katherine. These are not bollards.
Katherine: What are they?
Freud: Jetty supports, poles, uprights, piles, posts, wooden beams, I don't know, the terminology eludes me.
Katherine: How annoying it is when that happens. But Sigmund, my toe is bleeding. I might attract sharks.
Freud: Time to get out of the water.
They drag their feet back to the sand.
Katherine: There used to be a ladder at the end of this jetty. You could climb down it onto the reef.
Freud: Now what?
Katherine: There is still a ladder, but it descends into the sea.
Freud: And then what?
Katherine: You must take your life in your hands and swim to the reef. That is, if you wish to.
Freud: Do you wish to?
Katherine: Do you have a plaster?
Freud: In my van, back at Kuitpo. What about in your car?
Katherine: Afraid not. I lent my first aid kit to David. He needed the scissors.
Freud: You should have just lent him the scissors.
Katherine: No point thinking that now.
Freud: Hm.
Katherine: What are you thinking?
Freud: I could suck your toe. An old Austrian remedy.
Katherine: I'm not sure I will like it.
Freud: Yes Katherine. You will.
leaving Terence and Baby Pierre in the wet grass with the news of the fate of poor Sarah,
while Rosamunda dreams of Ming Rong,
and Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi lie low and rigid in the Pee Pee Pee Po van,
Freud and Katherine have stepped into the water under the jetty.
Katherine: It's arousing.
Freud: What do you mean?
Katherine: The slurping of the water, in, out, in, out, and the sucking.
Freud: Katherine! Language.
Katherine: You old fool.
Freud: Katherine, I never know when you're joking.
Katherine: Listen. Is that a large species of fish?
Freud: Fish are generally silent.
Katherine: Then it's some type of swimmer.
Freud: Shall we get out of the water?
Katherine: No, let's go in deeper.
Freud: All right.
Slurp! Suck! Shwii! Gurgle....
Katherine: Paddling is dangerous. I've grazed my big toe on a bollard.
Freud: Katherine. These are not bollards.
Katherine: What are they?
Freud: Jetty supports, poles, uprights, piles, posts, wooden beams, I don't know, the terminology eludes me.
Katherine: How annoying it is when that happens. But Sigmund, my toe is bleeding. I might attract sharks.
Freud: Time to get out of the water.
They drag their feet back to the sand.
Katherine: There used to be a ladder at the end of this jetty. You could climb down it onto the reef.
Freud: Now what?
Katherine: There is still a ladder, but it descends into the sea.
Freud: And then what?
Katherine: You must take your life in your hands and swim to the reef. That is, if you wish to.
Freud: Do you wish to?
Katherine: Do you have a plaster?
Freud: In my van, back at Kuitpo. What about in your car?
Katherine: Afraid not. I lent my first aid kit to David. He needed the scissors.
Freud: You should have just lent him the scissors.
Katherine: No point thinking that now.
Freud: Hm.
Katherine: What are you thinking?
Freud: I could suck your toe. An old Austrian remedy.
Katherine: I'm not sure I will like it.
Freud: Yes Katherine. You will.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
False Handed Wanderers
Inside the van, these are the sleeping arrangements.
Rosamunda in the top bunk.
Kong Fu-Zi in the lower one.
Gaius on the floor.
The window is open.
A night breeze ruffles the newly washed curtains.
Ringtail possums breathe heavily outside in the trees.
Huuuuurrrr! Huuuuurrrr!
Are you awake? says Rosamunda.
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi.
And I, says Gaius.
Let's talk in the dark, says Rosamunda. Who'll go first?
Huuuurrrr! Huuuurrrr!
Hear that?, says Gaius. Ringtail possums. Pseudocheirus peregrinus, which means false-handed wanderers.
They sound hungry, says Kong Fu-Zi.
They eat their own faeces, says Gaius. But only the soft faeces that they produce in the day. It's high in protein. You would know that, Rosamunda.
Oh yes, says Rosamunda. Shit-eating possums.
There is a short silence.
It's called coprophagia, says Gaius.
I think we've exhausted the subject, says Rosamunda.
Huuuurrrr! Huuuurrrr!
What's the Confucian view of animals? asks Rosamunda.
One cannot herd with the birds and the beasts, answers Kong Fu-Zi. If I can't be a man among other men, what can I be?
Well, yes, but what about their treatment? asks Rosamunda.
Only catch fish with a rod and only shoot birds in flight, says Kong Fu-Zi. There it is in a nutshell.
There is another short silence.
Outside, an owl flaps its wings before taking off in search of a chimney.
Tell us a story, Rosamunda, says Gaius. A true one.
The best time of my life, says Rosamunda, was when I was a Moon Goddess in China.
There is a profound silence.
The moon shines in the dark sky streaked with stars.
I fell into a pond from a bridge and was captured by a camera, says Rosamunda, sleepily. Ming Rong's camera. He was my lover....
She sighs, and pretty soon she is dreaming.
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi remain stiffly awake.
Rosamunda in the top bunk.
Kong Fu-Zi in the lower one.
Gaius on the floor.
The window is open.
A night breeze ruffles the newly washed curtains.
Ringtail possums breathe heavily outside in the trees.
Huuuuurrrr! Huuuuurrrr!
Are you awake? says Rosamunda.
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi.
And I, says Gaius.
Let's talk in the dark, says Rosamunda. Who'll go first?
Huuuurrrr! Huuuurrrr!
Hear that?, says Gaius. Ringtail possums. Pseudocheirus peregrinus, which means false-handed wanderers.
They sound hungry, says Kong Fu-Zi.
They eat their own faeces, says Gaius. But only the soft faeces that they produce in the day. It's high in protein. You would know that, Rosamunda.
Oh yes, says Rosamunda. Shit-eating possums.
There is a short silence.
It's called coprophagia, says Gaius.
I think we've exhausted the subject, says Rosamunda.
Huuuurrrr! Huuuurrrr!
What's the Confucian view of animals? asks Rosamunda.
One cannot herd with the birds and the beasts, answers Kong Fu-Zi. If I can't be a man among other men, what can I be?
Well, yes, but what about their treatment? asks Rosamunda.
Only catch fish with a rod and only shoot birds in flight, says Kong Fu-Zi. There it is in a nutshell.
There is another short silence.
Outside, an owl flaps its wings before taking off in search of a chimney.
Tell us a story, Rosamunda, says Gaius. A true one.
The best time of my life, says Rosamunda, was when I was a Moon Goddess in China.
There is a profound silence.
The moon shines in the dark sky streaked with stars.
I fell into a pond from a bridge and was captured by a camera, says Rosamunda, sleepily. Ming Rong's camera. He was my lover....
She sighs, and pretty soon she is dreaming.
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi remain stiffly awake.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Victims Of Time
Hoo! says the owl from Mount Compass.
He is not asking who.
But Terence is not to know that.
Me, says Terence, sitting up in the dark wet grass next to Baby Pierre.
And me, says Baby Pierre, sitting up likewise.
I was not asking who, says the owl. But since you are here, and I am, perhaps you could give me directions.
Sure, says Baby Pierre. We know where the van is, and the paintball.......
And Best and Menta, says Terence. In Barcelona. That's where I got these shorts from.
Remind me not to go there, says the owl from Mount Compass. Those shorts are rubbish.
Aztec-warrior feather-shorts are not rubbish, says Terence. We do blood sacrifice wearing these. Not in the night though.
Why am I not trembling? says the owl from Mount Compass.
Because you didn't KNOW, says Terence. And it's night time. You birds are dopey.
Are you going to give me directions or what? says the owl from Mount Compass. I have news for the Bad Rubbles. Where might I find them?
They're in prison, says Baby Pierre. Inside a chimney. For badness.
There's no such thing as badness, says Terence.
That's true, says the owl. Only victims. Where is this chimney?
Down the road, says Baby Pierre, pointing. What's the news? Is is about Mrs Burr, and Sarah?
So you know? says the owl from Mount Compass. Blow me. I thought all stones were the same. Out of touch and slow on the uptake.
We do know, says Baby Pierre. But tell us. You might have it wrong.
It's old news, says the owl from Mount Compass. But we owls, we like to disseminate information. It all happened long, long ago.
Wow! says Terence. How long?
Over a century, says the owl.
Woo! says Terence. That's ages.
Idiot, says Baby Pierre. For stones it's a drop in the bucket.
Yes, agrees Terence.
How about two years? says the owl from Mount Compass. That's how long it took them to find her.
Hoo! says Terence.
He is not asking who.
But the owl is not to know that.
Little Sarah McHarg, says the owl. She kept Mrs Burr company. Mrs Burr was the wife of the Deputy Surveyor. Mrs Burr didn't like being alone. Sarah came every day. Someone would bring her, and someone would take her home in the evening. One day she had to walk home alone, and got lost in the forest. They found her bones two years later, at Mount Compass, thirty kilometres away. She was holding a bible.
What's a bible? asks Terence.
I don't know, says the owl. But in it she'd written a note to her sister.
"Grieve not for me, for I am resigned to my fate".
She must have had a pencil, says Terence.
Annoyed, the owl flies off into the night to search for the Bad Rubbles' chimney, using his special owl radar.
He is not asking who.
But Terence is not to know that.
Me, says Terence, sitting up in the dark wet grass next to Baby Pierre.
And me, says Baby Pierre, sitting up likewise.
I was not asking who, says the owl. But since you are here, and I am, perhaps you could give me directions.
Sure, says Baby Pierre. We know where the van is, and the paintball.......
And Best and Menta, says Terence. In Barcelona. That's where I got these shorts from.
Remind me not to go there, says the owl from Mount Compass. Those shorts are rubbish.
Aztec-warrior feather-shorts are not rubbish, says Terence. We do blood sacrifice wearing these. Not in the night though.
Why am I not trembling? says the owl from Mount Compass.
Because you didn't KNOW, says Terence. And it's night time. You birds are dopey.
Are you going to give me directions or what? says the owl from Mount Compass. I have news for the Bad Rubbles. Where might I find them?
They're in prison, says Baby Pierre. Inside a chimney. For badness.
There's no such thing as badness, says Terence.
That's true, says the owl. Only victims. Where is this chimney?
Down the road, says Baby Pierre, pointing. What's the news? Is is about Mrs Burr, and Sarah?
So you know? says the owl from Mount Compass. Blow me. I thought all stones were the same. Out of touch and slow on the uptake.
We do know, says Baby Pierre. But tell us. You might have it wrong.
It's old news, says the owl from Mount Compass. But we owls, we like to disseminate information. It all happened long, long ago.
Wow! says Terence. How long?
Over a century, says the owl.
Woo! says Terence. That's ages.
Idiot, says Baby Pierre. For stones it's a drop in the bucket.
Yes, agrees Terence.
How about two years? says the owl from Mount Compass. That's how long it took them to find her.
Hoo! says Terence.
He is not asking who.
But the owl is not to know that.
Little Sarah McHarg, says the owl. She kept Mrs Burr company. Mrs Burr was the wife of the Deputy Surveyor. Mrs Burr didn't like being alone. Sarah came every day. Someone would bring her, and someone would take her home in the evening. One day she had to walk home alone, and got lost in the forest. They found her bones two years later, at Mount Compass, thirty kilometres away. She was holding a bible.
What's a bible? asks Terence.
I don't know, says the owl. But in it she'd written a note to her sister.
"Grieve not for me, for I am resigned to my fate".
She must have had a pencil, says Terence.
Annoyed, the owl flies off into the night to search for the Bad Rubbles' chimney, using his special owl radar.
In The Forest Of The Night
It's late.
Freud realises that there is a need for sleeping arrangements.
There is room in his van for three.
Freud is no good at working out sleeping arrangements.
How would you like to go for a paddle with me? says Freud, on the spur of the moment, to Katherine.
Oh ha ha! says Katherine. Oh. Do you mean it?
Of course he means it.
All right, says Katherine. What fun. Where shall we go?
Port Noarlunga is close, says Freud. Shall we go in your car? Otherwise, the others.....
Yes, says Katherine. You don't mind do you, Rosamunda? Freud and I are going for a midnight paddle.
No, says Rosamunda. I'll sleep in the van.
Freud and Katherine drive off quickly before Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi can say anything.
Let them sleep where they like.
Freud and Katherine will be paddling, under the jetty.
The fishes will slide in and out of their toes like soft eels.
......
Gaius doesn't mind sleeping in the van with Rosamunda if Kong Fu-Zi sleeps there too.
Kong Fu-Zi doesn't mind where he sleeps, while he has his arm for a pillow (so he claims).
Rosamunda is inside the van, looking for blue things.
One never knows. It may not be possible to find natural dyes in the forest, in the morning.
Dogwood, red cabbage, woad, mulberries elderberries, grapes, blueberries, red maple, black iris, sweet gum, Queen Anne's Lace.
She opens a cupboard.
Perhaps Freud has some of that washing powder with blue beads of bleach. Or some Ajax.
Gaius comes in.
Rosamunda shuts the door of the cupboard. No point him seeing.
........
A groan arises from the grass outside. It is Terence.
An owl lands near Baby Pierre.
An owl from Mount Compass, with news.
Freud realises that there is a need for sleeping arrangements.
There is room in his van for three.
Freud is no good at working out sleeping arrangements.
How would you like to go for a paddle with me? says Freud, on the spur of the moment, to Katherine.
Oh ha ha! says Katherine. Oh. Do you mean it?
Of course he means it.
All right, says Katherine. What fun. Where shall we go?
Port Noarlunga is close, says Freud. Shall we go in your car? Otherwise, the others.....
Yes, says Katherine. You don't mind do you, Rosamunda? Freud and I are going for a midnight paddle.
No, says Rosamunda. I'll sleep in the van.
Freud and Katherine drive off quickly before Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi can say anything.
Let them sleep where they like.
Freud and Katherine will be paddling, under the jetty.
The fishes will slide in and out of their toes like soft eels.
......
Gaius doesn't mind sleeping in the van with Rosamunda if Kong Fu-Zi sleeps there too.
Kong Fu-Zi doesn't mind where he sleeps, while he has his arm for a pillow (so he claims).
Rosamunda is inside the van, looking for blue things.
One never knows. It may not be possible to find natural dyes in the forest, in the morning.
Dogwood, red cabbage, woad, mulberries elderberries, grapes, blueberries, red maple, black iris, sweet gum, Queen Anne's Lace.
She opens a cupboard.
Perhaps Freud has some of that washing powder with blue beads of bleach. Or some Ajax.
Gaius comes in.
Rosamunda shuts the door of the cupboard. No point him seeing.
........
A groan arises from the grass outside. It is Terence.
An owl lands near Baby Pierre.
An owl from Mount Compass, with news.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Born And Blue
Rosamunda is no expert at drawing. But who can't draw flowers?
Gaius watches as she scratches away with the hard Derwent pencil.
She draws the orchid, then she labels the parts.
Dorsal sepal, lateral petal, dorsal lobe, pseudoeye, basal field, speculum, brach, anther, stigma, column, lip, ovary.......
No, no, says Gaius, THAT is the gynostemium. But otherwise, I couldn't do better myself.
If I had a blue, says Rosamunda, I could colour it delicately.....
Don't you have one? says Gaius.
Not in my tin, says Rosamunda.
You have a TIN? says Gaius.
Of graphites, says Rosamunda. But there are other ways to effect natural colours. Wait till morning.
Gaius is pleased with his protegée. How far she has come.
When I get home, says Gaius, I shall be planning my next expedition. I wonder if you.....?
Where are you thinking of going? asks Rosamunda.
She won't go just anywhere.
Just a quick trip back to Tasmania, says Gaius. Now that it's spring.
How lovely, says Rosamunda. Will it just be the two of us?
I hardly think that would be proper, says Gaius. I shall try to make contact with Arthur.
Okay, says Rosamunda. That's cool.
Terence lies awake in the darkness.
What a nightmarish thing.
Rosamunda has pencils, but no blue ones. She has promised to make blue in the morning, by natural means. People make colours with powders. They make powders by scraping. He is the only one of the party who is pale blue. He rues the day he was born of the father, and the other day, the day he turned blue.
Baby Pierre stirs in his sleep beside him.
He is dreaming a dream of bad rubbles. The bad rubbles are calling: what happened what happened? so young.......somebody should have gone with her......we need to find closure ....
Baby Pierre mutters: Closure, closure.
Terence moves closer.
There is little comfort in this.
Gaius watches as she scratches away with the hard Derwent pencil.
She draws the orchid, then she labels the parts.
Dorsal sepal, lateral petal, dorsal lobe, pseudoeye, basal field, speculum, brach, anther, stigma, column, lip, ovary.......
No, no, says Gaius, THAT is the gynostemium. But otherwise, I couldn't do better myself.
If I had a blue, says Rosamunda, I could colour it delicately.....
Don't you have one? says Gaius.
Not in my tin, says Rosamunda.
You have a TIN? says Gaius.
Of graphites, says Rosamunda. But there are other ways to effect natural colours. Wait till morning.
Gaius is pleased with his protegée. How far she has come.
When I get home, says Gaius, I shall be planning my next expedition. I wonder if you.....?
Where are you thinking of going? asks Rosamunda.
She won't go just anywhere.
Just a quick trip back to Tasmania, says Gaius. Now that it's spring.
How lovely, says Rosamunda. Will it just be the two of us?
I hardly think that would be proper, says Gaius. I shall try to make contact with Arthur.
Okay, says Rosamunda. That's cool.
Terence lies awake in the darkness.
What a nightmarish thing.
Rosamunda has pencils, but no blue ones. She has promised to make blue in the morning, by natural means. People make colours with powders. They make powders by scraping. He is the only one of the party who is pale blue. He rues the day he was born of the father, and the other day, the day he turned blue.
Baby Pierre stirs in his sleep beside him.
He is dreaming a dream of bad rubbles. The bad rubbles are calling: what happened what happened? so young.......somebody should have gone with her......we need to find closure ....
Baby Pierre mutters: Closure, closure.
Terence moves closer.
There is little comfort in this.
Friday, October 24, 2014
We Don't Eat, The Virgin Just Sits There
On the way back to the van, through the shadowy bushland, by torchlight, Rosamunda speaks of chickens.
She says: Chickens are everywhere. There are more chickens in the world than any other species of bird.
I've never seen one, says Terence.
That's surprising, says Rosamunda. Didn't your mum ever cook one?
The Virgin ? says Terence. She just sits there.
What about your dad? pursues Rosamunda.
We don't eat, says Terence. We just look down on people. I mean we used to. I don't live with them now.
Just as well by the sound of it, says Rosamunda. Would you prefer to talk about Aztecs?
Do mothers cook them? asks Terence.
No, says Rosamunda. They may have cooked mothers. The Aztecs were big on sacrifice.
Oh, we do that, says Terence.
Blood sacrifice? says Rosamunda. That's disgusting.
Not really, says Terence. Just biscuits and drinks. Tell me about Aztecs. Do they have feathers?
Yes, says Rosamunda. The Aztec warrior wears a feathered headdress, and carries a feathered shield.
Like me, says Terence. Like my pants.
Exactly, says Rosamunda.
Useless, says Terence. Shield made of feathers! That's soft.
They arrive at the van.
There you are, says Katherine. Just in time for a nightcap.
Any news of Mrs Burr? enquires Freud.
No, says Rosamunda. But Terence was frightened. Something scared him out there.
Where are the herrings? asks Terence.
All finished, says Katherine. Have a glass of warm milk instead. It's UHT.
Terence is disappointed. He picks at his bum feathers. Itchy. Nothing ever turns out good in this forest.
He wanders over to Baby Pierre, who is already sleeping. He lies down beside him, and fumes.
Katherine brings out mugs of hot Milo.
So, Gaius, says Rosamunda, you and Kong Fu-Zi are working together these days?
Gaius is about to reply, 'Not for much longer', when Kong Fu-Zi raises his eyes from his mug of hot Milo, and says, 'Unfortunately, not for much longer'.
Ah, says Gaius. Yes, unfortunately, not for much longer. Kong Fu-Zi is an ideas man. He must get on with what he does best.
These are not quite the lines along which Kong Fu-Zi has been thinking.
The rotten potatoes, and the taste of the UHT milk. And his ankle is not feeling better. He needs Chinese medicine.
So, I suppose you'll get back with Arthur, says Rosamunda.
If I knew where he was, says Gaius.
Silence in the forest, except for various swallowings.
Gaius gets out his notebook, to show Rosamunda.
What are these? asks Rosamunda.
Orchids, says Gaius. From memory. I hadn't a pencil.
Not very good, says Rosamunda. Here, let me. What sort are they?
Blue Fairies, says Gaius. Pheladenia deformis.
Rosamunda pulls out of her pocket a Derwent graphic drawing pencil, hard.
Freud and Katherine exchange looks.
Where is this going?
She says: Chickens are everywhere. There are more chickens in the world than any other species of bird.
I've never seen one, says Terence.
That's surprising, says Rosamunda. Didn't your mum ever cook one?
The Virgin ? says Terence. She just sits there.
What about your dad? pursues Rosamunda.
We don't eat, says Terence. We just look down on people. I mean we used to. I don't live with them now.
Just as well by the sound of it, says Rosamunda. Would you prefer to talk about Aztecs?
Do mothers cook them? asks Terence.
No, says Rosamunda. They may have cooked mothers. The Aztecs were big on sacrifice.
Oh, we do that, says Terence.
Blood sacrifice? says Rosamunda. That's disgusting.
Not really, says Terence. Just biscuits and drinks. Tell me about Aztecs. Do they have feathers?
Yes, says Rosamunda. The Aztec warrior wears a feathered headdress, and carries a feathered shield.
Like me, says Terence. Like my pants.
Exactly, says Rosamunda.
Useless, says Terence. Shield made of feathers! That's soft.
They arrive at the van.
There you are, says Katherine. Just in time for a nightcap.
Any news of Mrs Burr? enquires Freud.
No, says Rosamunda. But Terence was frightened. Something scared him out there.
Where are the herrings? asks Terence.
All finished, says Katherine. Have a glass of warm milk instead. It's UHT.
Terence is disappointed. He picks at his bum feathers. Itchy. Nothing ever turns out good in this forest.
He wanders over to Baby Pierre, who is already sleeping. He lies down beside him, and fumes.
Katherine brings out mugs of hot Milo.
So, Gaius, says Rosamunda, you and Kong Fu-Zi are working together these days?
Gaius is about to reply, 'Not for much longer', when Kong Fu-Zi raises his eyes from his mug of hot Milo, and says, 'Unfortunately, not for much longer'.
Ah, says Gaius. Yes, unfortunately, not for much longer. Kong Fu-Zi is an ideas man. He must get on with what he does best.
These are not quite the lines along which Kong Fu-Zi has been thinking.
The rotten potatoes, and the taste of the UHT milk. And his ankle is not feeling better. He needs Chinese medicine.
So, I suppose you'll get back with Arthur, says Rosamunda.
If I knew where he was, says Gaius.
Silence in the forest, except for various swallowings.
Gaius gets out his notebook, to show Rosamunda.
What are these? asks Rosamunda.
Orchids, says Gaius. From memory. I hadn't a pencil.
Not very good, says Rosamunda. Here, let me. What sort are they?
Blue Fairies, says Gaius. Pheladenia deformis.
Rosamunda pulls out of her pocket a Derwent graphic drawing pencil, hard.
Freud and Katherine exchange looks.
Where is this going?
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Ghosts Enigmas And Lies
Dinner is over.
Kong Fu-Zi rubs his belly.
All right? says Katherine.
Mm, replies Kong Fu-Zi.
Good, says Katherine. I was worried about those potatoes.
Was it wise to say nothing till after we'd eaten? says Kong Fu-Zi.
There are four ways to learn wisdom, says Katherine.
Enigmatic.
Kong Fu-Zi has always maintained there are three.
Reflection, imitation and experience.
What else is there?
It occurs to him to wonder if Katherine ate any potatoes.
.......
Baby Pierre zooms up on his bicycle and does a spectacular wheelie. Shwerrrr!
There you are, Baby Pierre, says Freud. Did you find Mrs Burr?
No, says Baby Pierre. But I found Terence. He gave me this torch.
Baby Pierre flashes the torch at the dinner plates. Empty!
Where are the kippers?
We ate them, says Rosamunda. You don't eat kippers. And where exactly is Terence?
Still looking, says Baby Pierre.
Then why have you brought the torch back? asks Rosamunda.
He didn't need it, says Baby Pierre.
Give it here! says Rosamunda. I'm going to find him.
She grabs the torch, and walks off down the dirt track into the shadowy bushland.
Hoot hoot!
Sarah!
Rustle, rustle.
Mrs Burrrrrrrrrr!
Something is moving in a bush by the side of the track.
She shines the torch in.
........
What's this about Mrs Burr? asks Katherine.
No idea, says Freud.
........
Terence is hiding in a scratchy Silver Banksia bush.
He will NEVER come out!
Everyone is mean, everyone is cruel. Birds shit on you. They won't give you feathers then they drop them anyway and the wind blows them away, then an interfering person mends your wrecked shorts with the feathers and makes you look like an aztec, what's an aztec? and a chicken, what's that? probably some sort of pigeon....... and owls hoot -hoot and scary old women haunt the bushes, sarah, mrs burr........ Terence is NEVER coming out.....NEVER.
.....
It's you! says Rosamunda.
It isn't, says Terence.
What is it? asks Rosamunda.
An Aztec, says Terence.
How wonderful! says Rosamunda.
And a chicken, says Terence, with more confidence.
Brilliant! says Rosamunda. I love chickens.Want to come back now? There's herrings!
Yes, says Terence, not knowing that this is a lie.
Of course, there are five ways to learn wisdom.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Three Ways To Learn Wisdom
Terence stops dancing.
He can't see Baby Pierre. Where is he?
Looking for someone called Burr, says Freud. He'll turn up when he smells the herrings.
He has a Burr in his bonnet, says Gaius.
Freud laughs at the witticism. Ha ha ha!
You shouldn't have left him, says Terence.
No, you shouldn't, says Rosamunda, emerging from the van with a plate of plain boiled potatoes. It's dark. He'll get lost. Hello Gaius.
Gaius looks hard at Rosamunda. Could it be?
Yes! Rosamunda Secunda. His protegée.
Rosamunda! says Gaius. What are you doing here?
Looking for you, says Rosamunda. Don't you check your phone ever?
Gaius feels for his phone in his pocket.
No need now, says Rosamunda. I'm here. Hello, Professor.
Good evening, Rosamunda, says Freud. This is pleasant. Dinner on the table. Just like home.
She's been mending, says Katherine, handing a bowl of warm herrings through the window. Look at Terence's shorts.
Terence stands still, being inspected.
You look like a feathered Aztec, says Freud.
Help yourselves to the herrings, says Katherine, sitting down at the camp table. Fu-Zi, you're very quiet.
There are three ways to learn wisdom, says Kong Fu-Zi. The first is by reflection.
I agree with that, says Freud. Upon what are you reflecting?
One of our party is missing, says Kong Fu-Zi. Do we not have a duty of care?
I'll find him, says Terence. Give me a lantern.
Don't go too far, says Freud, rummaging through his tool box for a torch, and handing it to Terence..
Terence can't believe it.
They're letting him go.
He presses the button on the long thin metal torch from Freud's toolbox.
Shwoooah! Trees loom up in front of him.
An owl hoots.
Baby Pieeeerre!
An answering voice calls: Mrs Burrrrrrrrr!
Sarah! Sarah! Where are you?
Please don't grieve for me, sister........
Baby Pierre rattles up on his bicycle and stops. Torch-blinded.
Mrs Burr?
No, it's me Terence. You're rescued.
Pooh, I don't need to be rescued. Give me the torch!
No, I'm keeping it!
Give it! (Baby Pierre grabs the torch from Terence, and illuminates him.).
Oaa-haa! You got feathers sticking out of your bottom!
Terence runs into the bushes.
Now I'll never come out!
Suit yourself baby. Baby chicken!
Baby Pierre knows this is cruel.
But he can smell herrings.
He leaves Terence in the bushes, and follows his nose.
He can't see Baby Pierre. Where is he?
Looking for someone called Burr, says Freud. He'll turn up when he smells the herrings.
He has a Burr in his bonnet, says Gaius.
Freud laughs at the witticism. Ha ha ha!
You shouldn't have left him, says Terence.
No, you shouldn't, says Rosamunda, emerging from the van with a plate of plain boiled potatoes. It's dark. He'll get lost. Hello Gaius.
Gaius looks hard at Rosamunda. Could it be?
Yes! Rosamunda Secunda. His protegée.
Rosamunda! says Gaius. What are you doing here?
Looking for you, says Rosamunda. Don't you check your phone ever?
Gaius feels for his phone in his pocket.
No need now, says Rosamunda. I'm here. Hello, Professor.
Good evening, Rosamunda, says Freud. This is pleasant. Dinner on the table. Just like home.
She's been mending, says Katherine, handing a bowl of warm herrings through the window. Look at Terence's shorts.
Terence stands still, being inspected.
You look like a feathered Aztec, says Freud.
Help yourselves to the herrings, says Katherine, sitting down at the camp table. Fu-Zi, you're very quiet.
There are three ways to learn wisdom, says Kong Fu-Zi. The first is by reflection.
I agree with that, says Freud. Upon what are you reflecting?
One of our party is missing, says Kong Fu-Zi. Do we not have a duty of care?
I'll find him, says Terence. Give me a lantern.
Don't go too far, says Freud, rummaging through his tool box for a torch, and handing it to Terence..
Terence can't believe it.
They're letting him go.
He presses the button on the long thin metal torch from Freud's toolbox.
Shwoooah! Trees loom up in front of him.
An owl hoots.
Baby Pieeeerre!
An answering voice calls: Mrs Burrrrrrrrr!
Sarah! Sarah! Where are you?
Please don't grieve for me, sister........
Baby Pierre rattles up on his bicycle and stops. Torch-blinded.
Mrs Burr?
No, it's me Terence. You're rescued.
Pooh, I don't need to be rescued. Give me the torch!
No, I'm keeping it!
Give it! (Baby Pierre grabs the torch from Terence, and illuminates him.).
Oaa-haa! You got feathers sticking out of your bottom!
Terence runs into the bushes.
Now I'll never come out!
Suit yourself baby. Baby chicken!
Baby Pierre knows this is cruel.
But he can smell herrings.
He leaves Terence in the bushes, and follows his nose.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Faith Hope And Kippers
Baby Pierre is riding all over the road.
Careful! says Gaius. Look where you're going!
I'm searching everywhere, says Baby Pierre. Someone is missing.
Who? says Gaius.
I don't know, says Baby Pierre. The bad rubbles were mumbling.
What were they mumbling? asks Freud.
Mrs Burr, says Baby Pierre.
Mrs Burr? repeats Gaius.
Yes, says Baby Pierre.
Perhaps they were just saying 'brrr', says Freud. It may have been cold in the chimney.
That will be it, says Gaius. Cold in the chimney. Not been lit for a while.
Mrs Burr lost someone, says Baby Pierre. Long long ago. I'm looking for her in the bushes.
This is unsettling. Has Baby Pierre had a visitation?
They stop in the middle of the road.
.........
It's getting dark in the forest.
Little Sarah can't find her way home.
Usually someone will go with her.
Tonight she's walking alone.
She clutches her Bible to her bodice, not yet resigned to her fate.
.........
Katherine has opened a can of smoked herrings, and is boiling old sprouting potatoes.
I suppose they'll be alright, says Katherine, to herself. No point alarming the others.
Rosamunda is picking up Lorikeet feathers, left behind by the Lorikeet.
Kong Fu-Zi is checking the washing.
Dry now, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Can I have them? says Terence.
Don't be disappointed, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Bum! says Terence, pulling on his dry beach shorts. They've got smaller, they're ripped and you can see my willy. I need new ones.
Let's see, says Rosamunda. Don't be sad. I can fix them.
Terence takes the offending shorts off.
Rosamunda works away with the feathers, weaving them through the rips, expanding the dimensions.
These will be so cool when they're finished, says Rosamunda.
Terence looks hopeful.
.........
Gaius, Freud and Baby Pierre return to the van on their bicycles, just as the stars are emerging.
Mmm, kippers!, says Freud, smelling the herrings. At least, I hope it is kippers. The Great Sage has been cooking.
No, says Kong Fu-Zi, getting up from the camp chair. I haven't been cooking, or sewing, merely observing. You have two capable lady visitors!
And look at meeee! squeals Terence, dancing crazily in his feathered finery.
Careful! says Gaius. Look where you're going!
I'm searching everywhere, says Baby Pierre. Someone is missing.
Who? says Gaius.
I don't know, says Baby Pierre. The bad rubbles were mumbling.
What were they mumbling? asks Freud.
Mrs Burr, says Baby Pierre.
Mrs Burr? repeats Gaius.
Yes, says Baby Pierre.
Perhaps they were just saying 'brrr', says Freud. It may have been cold in the chimney.
That will be it, says Gaius. Cold in the chimney. Not been lit for a while.
Mrs Burr lost someone, says Baby Pierre. Long long ago. I'm looking for her in the bushes.
This is unsettling. Has Baby Pierre had a visitation?
They stop in the middle of the road.
.........
It's getting dark in the forest.
Little Sarah can't find her way home.
Usually someone will go with her.
Tonight she's walking alone.
She clutches her Bible to her bodice, not yet resigned to her fate.
.........
Katherine has opened a can of smoked herrings, and is boiling old sprouting potatoes.
I suppose they'll be alright, says Katherine, to herself. No point alarming the others.
Rosamunda is picking up Lorikeet feathers, left behind by the Lorikeet.
Kong Fu-Zi is checking the washing.
Dry now, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Can I have them? says Terence.
Don't be disappointed, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Bum! says Terence, pulling on his dry beach shorts. They've got smaller, they're ripped and you can see my willy. I need new ones.
Let's see, says Rosamunda. Don't be sad. I can fix them.
Terence takes the offending shorts off.
Rosamunda works away with the feathers, weaving them through the rips, expanding the dimensions.
These will be so cool when they're finished, says Rosamunda.
Terence looks hopeful.
.........
Gaius, Freud and Baby Pierre return to the van on their bicycles, just as the stars are emerging.
Mmm, kippers!, says Freud, smelling the herrings. At least, I hope it is kippers. The Great Sage has been cooking.
No, says Kong Fu-Zi, getting up from the camp chair. I haven't been cooking, or sewing, merely observing. You have two capable lady visitors!
And look at meeee! squeals Terence, dancing crazily in his feathered finery.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Blue Fairies Bad Rubbles
Baby Pierre tries to match his speed to that of Gaius and Freud, whose wheels are of greater circumference.
It's hard to do, but it's worth it.
They speak of intellectual things.
Freud: There it is! The old Kyeema Prison.
Gaius: How pleasant it must have been for the prisoners, out here in the country.
Baby Pierre: Were they all small?
Freud: Why do you ask that?
Baby Pierre: Because they lived in a chimney.
Freud: No, that chimney is all that's left of the prison.
Gaius: Funny, how a chimney remains when the rest of the structure has crumbled.
Freud: There will be reasons for that.
Baby Pierre: The small prisoners were the bad ones?
Freud: I was thinking of other reasons. The strength of the chimney. The thieving of stones.
Baby Pierre: I bet there are still little thieves in the chimney.
Freud: I bet there aren't. But go and have a look if you want to.
They stop.
Baby Pierre cycles over the grass to the chimney, crushing several species of native orchid under his wheels.
Gaius: Tut! He's squashing native orchids. How careless.
Freud: You have sharp eyes. It looks like normal grass to me.
Gaius: Aha, let me show you. These are diuris pardina,or Leopard Orchids. The blue ones are pheladenia deformis, otherwise known as Blue Fairies.
Freud: The flat ones.
Gaius: Yes, of course normally they exhibit three dimensions.
Freud: These would be easier to draw.
Gaius: Good point. Unfortunately I find myself once again without a pencil.
Freud: You need a right hand man.
Gaius: Kong Fu-Zi kindly offered to fulfil the role, but he is not reliable. You know he dropped my knife down a mine shaft?
Freud: Hmm. Pencil, knife......you seem obsessed by long thin pointed objects.... have you ever considered analysis?
Gaius: I have one word to say to that. Balls!
Baby Pierre ( coming back from the chimney ): It's full of bad people! I told you! Piles and piles of bad rubbles!
Freud: You see. You have proved to your own satisfaction that your theory was the correct one.
Baby Pierre (failing to spot the irony): Serves them right!
It's hard to do, but it's worth it.
They speak of intellectual things.
Freud: There it is! The old Kyeema Prison.
Gaius: How pleasant it must have been for the prisoners, out here in the country.
Baby Pierre: Were they all small?
Freud: Why do you ask that?
Baby Pierre: Because they lived in a chimney.
Freud: No, that chimney is all that's left of the prison.
Gaius: Funny, how a chimney remains when the rest of the structure has crumbled.
Freud: There will be reasons for that.
Baby Pierre: The small prisoners were the bad ones?
Freud: I was thinking of other reasons. The strength of the chimney. The thieving of stones.
Baby Pierre: I bet there are still little thieves in the chimney.
Freud: I bet there aren't. But go and have a look if you want to.
They stop.
Baby Pierre cycles over the grass to the chimney, crushing several species of native orchid under his wheels.
Gaius: Tut! He's squashing native orchids. How careless.
Freud: You have sharp eyes. It looks like normal grass to me.
Gaius: Aha, let me show you. These are diuris pardina,or Leopard Orchids. The blue ones are pheladenia deformis, otherwise known as Blue Fairies.
Freud: The flat ones.
Gaius: Yes, of course normally they exhibit three dimensions.
Freud: These would be easier to draw.
Gaius: Good point. Unfortunately I find myself once again without a pencil.
Freud: You need a right hand man.
Gaius: Kong Fu-Zi kindly offered to fulfil the role, but he is not reliable. You know he dropped my knife down a mine shaft?
Freud: Hmm. Pencil, knife......you seem obsessed by long thin pointed objects.... have you ever considered analysis?
Gaius: I have one word to say to that. Balls!
Baby Pierre ( coming back from the chimney ): It's full of bad people! I told you! Piles and piles of bad rubbles!
Freud: You see. You have proved to your own satisfaction that your theory was the correct one.
Baby Pierre (failing to spot the irony): Serves them right!
Ribbons And Feathers
Do you know me? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Everyone knows the Great Sage, says Rosamunda.
Are you the persistent lady who reported me for stealing a bicycle? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh that, says Rosamunda. Yes, sorry.
You wished to find me? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Not you exactly, says Rosamunda. I'm looking for Gaius. Has he lost his phone?
Not that I know of, says Kong Fu-Zi.
And you, says Katherine. Have you lost your phone?
Phone? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Well, this is pleasant, says Katherine, sitting down in a camp chair. And who's that over there?
She is looking directly at Terence, under the Mistletoe..
Ah, says Rosamunda. It's a baby. A wee baby with no clothes on. Aren't you cold, baby?
No, says Terence. Go away. Don't look at me.
His shorts are drying says Kong Fu-Zi.
Is that them? says Rosamunda. They're wrecked!
What happened to your ankle? asks Katherine, changing the subject.
Slipped at the edge of a mineshaft, says Kong Fu-Zi. Lost Gaius's knife down it. Very careless.
Dear me, says Katherine. Poor Fu-Zi. Why don't I make us all a good strong cup of tea.
She enters the van. The floor creaks.
Was this a food van? asks Katherine, poking her head through the window. It smells like old fish oil in here.
She starts rattling tea cups.
What brings you out here? says Kong Fu-Zi, to make conversation.
Scottish Independence, says Rosamunda. I was all for it.
Bad luck, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Yes, the people have spoken, says Rosamunda. That's democracy for you.
It's not all it's cracked up to be, says Kong Fu-Zi.
You would say that, says Rosamunda.
Have you been to China? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Yes, says Rosamunda. I was in Beijing last year. I hooked up with Lu Ban. Helped him design his dragon bicycle.
So you know about bicycles, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh yes, says Rosamunda.
What do you think of this one? asks Kong Fu-Zi. It's a Platonic Ideal.
It would look better with ribbons, says Rosamunda.
For some reason, this interests the Lorikeet, who had been preparing to leave.
He flutters down to perch on the handlebars, dropping feathers.
Everyone knows the Great Sage, says Rosamunda.
Are you the persistent lady who reported me for stealing a bicycle? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh that, says Rosamunda. Yes, sorry.
You wished to find me? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Not you exactly, says Rosamunda. I'm looking for Gaius. Has he lost his phone?
Not that I know of, says Kong Fu-Zi.
And you, says Katherine. Have you lost your phone?
Phone? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Well, this is pleasant, says Katherine, sitting down in a camp chair. And who's that over there?
She is looking directly at Terence, under the Mistletoe..
Ah, says Rosamunda. It's a baby. A wee baby with no clothes on. Aren't you cold, baby?
No, says Terence. Go away. Don't look at me.
His shorts are drying says Kong Fu-Zi.
Is that them? says Rosamunda. They're wrecked!
What happened to your ankle? asks Katherine, changing the subject.
Slipped at the edge of a mineshaft, says Kong Fu-Zi. Lost Gaius's knife down it. Very careless.
Dear me, says Katherine. Poor Fu-Zi. Why don't I make us all a good strong cup of tea.
She enters the van. The floor creaks.
Was this a food van? asks Katherine, poking her head through the window. It smells like old fish oil in here.
She starts rattling tea cups.
What brings you out here? says Kong Fu-Zi, to make conversation.
Scottish Independence, says Rosamunda. I was all for it.
Bad luck, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Yes, the people have spoken, says Rosamunda. That's democracy for you.
It's not all it's cracked up to be, says Kong Fu-Zi.
You would say that, says Rosamunda.
Have you been to China? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Yes, says Rosamunda. I was in Beijing last year. I hooked up with Lu Ban. Helped him design his dragon bicycle.
So you know about bicycles, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh yes, says Rosamunda.
What do you think of this one? asks Kong Fu-Zi. It's a Platonic Ideal.
It would look better with ribbons, says Rosamunda.
For some reason, this interests the Lorikeet, who had been preparing to leave.
He flutters down to perch on the handlebars, dropping feathers.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Qi Out Of Balance
Victor departs in his police car.
Freud stacks the teacups.
Kong Fu-Zi feels his ankle gingerly.
How is it? asks Gaius.
Greatly improving, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Baby Pierre attempts to climb out of the wash basin. His bike wheels keep slipping back in.
Help! cries Baby Pierre. Get me out of this basin!
No one seems in a hurry to help him.
Could you ride, do you think? Gaius asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Not yet, says Kong Fu-Zi. Perhaps by tomorrow.
Then, says Gaius, I shall make use of the intervening hours with a little diversion.
What's this? says Freud, looking up from washing the teacups.
An exploration of Battunga Country, says Gaius. The old Kuitpo colony, the Kyeema prison, the Kangowirranilla trail. And I shall be on the lookout for new species of flora and fauna.
I'll come with you, says Freud. If Kong Fu-Zi will look after the business for the rest of the day.
Certainly, says Kong Fu-Zi. But take Baby Pierre with you. He is frittering his Qi riding round in that basin.
At last!
Baby Pierre is lifted out of the basin and dried, and oil found for his bicycle.
.......
Half an hour later the campsite is quiet.
Gaius, Freud and Baby Pierre have departed, to explore Battunga country.
Kong Fu-Zi lies back in the camp chair, dreaming of home.
Terence is surveying his ravaged beach shorts.
The Lorikeet is making bird plans.
When all of a sudden a car drives up the dirt track and stops near the van outside which all this activity is happening.
Katherine gets out, followed by another person.
Fu-Zi! says Katherine. All alone?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. I have Terence and a bird to keep me company. Old age is good and pleasant.....
Idiot, says Katherine. You're not old. Where's Gaius?
Gone off, says Kong Fu-Zi. He did say where.... but I wasn't paying attention..... my ankle......
Buck up! says Katherine. How about making us a cup of tea?
Kong Fu-Zi stands up quickly, and totters.
Katherine's companion catches him deftly.
Ni hao, Kong Fu-Zi! says Rosamunda Secunda.
Freud stacks the teacups.
Kong Fu-Zi feels his ankle gingerly.
How is it? asks Gaius.
Greatly improving, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Baby Pierre attempts to climb out of the wash basin. His bike wheels keep slipping back in.
Help! cries Baby Pierre. Get me out of this basin!
No one seems in a hurry to help him.
Could you ride, do you think? Gaius asks Kong Fu-Zi.
Not yet, says Kong Fu-Zi. Perhaps by tomorrow.
Then, says Gaius, I shall make use of the intervening hours with a little diversion.
What's this? says Freud, looking up from washing the teacups.
An exploration of Battunga Country, says Gaius. The old Kuitpo colony, the Kyeema prison, the Kangowirranilla trail. And I shall be on the lookout for new species of flora and fauna.
I'll come with you, says Freud. If Kong Fu-Zi will look after the business for the rest of the day.
Certainly, says Kong Fu-Zi. But take Baby Pierre with you. He is frittering his Qi riding round in that basin.
At last!
Baby Pierre is lifted out of the basin and dried, and oil found for his bicycle.
.......
Half an hour later the campsite is quiet.
Gaius, Freud and Baby Pierre have departed, to explore Battunga country.
Kong Fu-Zi lies back in the camp chair, dreaming of home.
Terence is surveying his ravaged beach shorts.
The Lorikeet is making bird plans.
When all of a sudden a car drives up the dirt track and stops near the van outside which all this activity is happening.
Katherine gets out, followed by another person.
Fu-Zi! says Katherine. All alone?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. I have Terence and a bird to keep me company. Old age is good and pleasant.....
Idiot, says Katherine. You're not old. Where's Gaius?
Gone off, says Kong Fu-Zi. He did say where.... but I wasn't paying attention..... my ankle......
Buck up! says Katherine. How about making us a cup of tea?
Kong Fu-Zi stands up quickly, and totters.
Katherine's companion catches him deftly.
Ni hao, Kong Fu-Zi! says Rosamunda Secunda.
Friday, October 17, 2014
As Far As You Know
Terence lies on the ground under the eye of the Lorikeet.
The Lorikeet is colourful.
Blue head, red beak, green wings tail and back, orange breast.......
Do you give out feathers? asks Terence.
No, says the Lorikeet. When they fall out they just blow away.
As far as you know, says Terence.
As far as I know, says the Lorikeet.
I come from Spain, says Terence. I lived in a palace. It was painted bright beautiful colours.
And yet, says the Lorikeet, you yourself are a shade of pale blue.
I used to be grey like a parrot, says Terence. So I wore colourful beach shorts. Then they got paint on. Can you see if they're dry yet?
The Lorikeet can't see any colourful beach shorts.
I can't see any colourful beach shorts, says the Lorikeet. There's a wash basin, with black water sloshing around in it, and a tattered rag hanging up in a tree.
That won't be my beach shorts, says Terence.
It might be, says the Lorikeet. It has legs and elastic and a shoestring.
You don't know anything, says Terence.
Nor do you, says the Lorikeet. You think parrots are grey. I'm a parrot!
Ha ha, says Terence. You're funny.
While they become further acquainted, let us shift focus.
Kong Fu-Zi and Gaius are discussing a short list of ladies.
I know Katherine, says Kong Fu-Zi. David Hume's mother.
She wouldn't report you, says Gaius.
I know Belle et Bonne, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Nor would she, says Gaius.
That's the list. Done.
Maybe it's someone YOU know, says Victor.
I thought you weren't telling, says Gaius.
No harm in giving a clue, says Victor.
Gaius thinks immediately of Margaret. Yes, she can be devious.
Does her name start with M?
Close, says Victor. But not M.
Baby Pierre stops hooning around in the basin.
A guessing game! This is fun. What's close to M?
Lavender! cries Baby Pierre! And she knows the future!
What has that got to do with it? says Victor. It's the past.
Not when she did it, says Baby Pierre.
But he knows this is sophistry. It still wasn't the future.
So, it's not Lavender.
Arr, says Victor ( as though he is clearing his throat ).
A missed opportunity. Even Freud thinks that Victor was clearing his throat.
Another cup of tea, Victor? asks Freud.
Don't mind if I do, says Victor. Then I'd better make tracks.
He leans back in his camp chair.
He closes his eyes. The late afternoon sun warms his face and somewhere near his left ear water drips down from the tattered remains of the beach shorts.
Drip, drip, drip.
Ring! It's his phone.
Victor, says Victor, getting up and walking over to a clearing, Yes... yes.... yes.... no..... no... not stolen..... no.....still in Kuitpo... no dramas....bye Roz.
The Lorikeet is colourful.
Blue head, red beak, green wings tail and back, orange breast.......
Do you give out feathers? asks Terence.
No, says the Lorikeet. When they fall out they just blow away.
As far as you know, says Terence.
As far as I know, says the Lorikeet.
I come from Spain, says Terence. I lived in a palace. It was painted bright beautiful colours.
And yet, says the Lorikeet, you yourself are a shade of pale blue.
I used to be grey like a parrot, says Terence. So I wore colourful beach shorts. Then they got paint on. Can you see if they're dry yet?
The Lorikeet can't see any colourful beach shorts.
I can't see any colourful beach shorts, says the Lorikeet. There's a wash basin, with black water sloshing around in it, and a tattered rag hanging up in a tree.
That won't be my beach shorts, says Terence.
It might be, says the Lorikeet. It has legs and elastic and a shoestring.
You don't know anything, says Terence.
Nor do you, says the Lorikeet. You think parrots are grey. I'm a parrot!
Ha ha, says Terence. You're funny.
While they become further acquainted, let us shift focus.
Kong Fu-Zi and Gaius are discussing a short list of ladies.
I know Katherine, says Kong Fu-Zi. David Hume's mother.
She wouldn't report you, says Gaius.
I know Belle et Bonne, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Nor would she, says Gaius.
That's the list. Done.
Maybe it's someone YOU know, says Victor.
I thought you weren't telling, says Gaius.
No harm in giving a clue, says Victor.
Gaius thinks immediately of Margaret. Yes, she can be devious.
Does her name start with M?
Close, says Victor. But not M.
Baby Pierre stops hooning around in the basin.
A guessing game! This is fun. What's close to M?
Lavender! cries Baby Pierre! And she knows the future!
What has that got to do with it? says Victor. It's the past.
Not when she did it, says Baby Pierre.
But he knows this is sophistry. It still wasn't the future.
So, it's not Lavender.
Arr, says Victor ( as though he is clearing his throat ).
A missed opportunity. Even Freud thinks that Victor was clearing his throat.
Another cup of tea, Victor? asks Freud.
Don't mind if I do, says Victor. Then I'd better make tracks.
He leans back in his camp chair.
He closes his eyes. The late afternoon sun warms his face and somewhere near his left ear water drips down from the tattered remains of the beach shorts.
Drip, drip, drip.
Ring! It's his phone.
Victor, says Victor, getting up and walking over to a clearing, Yes... yes.... yes.... no..... no... not stolen..... no.....still in Kuitpo... no dramas....bye Roz.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Indulgence, Unease and Serenity
But this water is orange, says Freud. And Terence is blue. I'll obtain some fresh water.
I want this water, says Terence.
Terence is lowered into the basin of orange water.
How we indulge children these days!
Some blue paint washes off.
.......
The water is brown, and Terence is several shades paler, but his shorts are still monochrome blue.
You had better get out now, advises Gaius. One should not stay too long under water
I don't want to, says Terence. Look at my beach shorts! They're not clean yet.
Kong Fu-Zi heaves himself up from his camp chair, and leans over the basin.
Take them off, suggests Kong Fu-Zi.
Terence struggles.
He can't get the shorts off.
Let me, let me! cries Baby Pierre.
........
To cut a long story short, let us return to the scene five minutes later.
Terence is resting on the grass under a Box Mistletoe.
Baby Pierre is riding his tiny bicycle round and around in the basin. Sloosh, sloosh!
The water is black.
And the shorts are in tatters.
........
Terence has been given a Panadol by Professor Freud, who always keeps some in his tool box.
So he is not crying.
He is looking up into the tree.
He sees a Rainbow Lorikeet, looking down at him contemplatively.
Plop! Even so, Terence won't cry.
......
All the grownups are sitting outside the van, on camp chairs, drinking cups of hot tea.
It's not much of a business plan, observes Victor. How do you expect to make money?
I don't expect to make money, says Freud. There are things more important than money.
Agreed, says Victor. But a business plan, I mean, I ask you......
I find myself in agreement, says Kong Fu-Zi. Your business plan is salubrious. I have spent a delightful afternoon snoozing, and dreaming of home.
Exactly, says Freud. And I have washed my curtains.
And WE got into TROUBLE! says Baby Pierre, from the depths of the basin.
So who is unhappy? asks Freud. No one.
Gaius feels this is wrong. He is uneasy about something. What is it?
I am uneasy about something, says Gaius. I just can't pinpoint it.
That often happens, says Freud. Relax. It'll come.
Gaius relaxes. It comes.
Ah yes, Victor, says Gaius. The lady! Who is she? I have been racking my brains. Kong Fu-Zi doesn't know any ladies.
What lady? asks Freud.
The lady who set Victor onto us, says Gaius. The lady who claimed the Platonic Ideal had been stolen.
Stolen? Is there a reward? asks Freud.
No, there isn't, says Victor. And my lips are professionally sealed.
...
Terence looks up at the Lorikeet.
The Lorikeet looks down on him.
You are remarkably serene, says the Lorikeet. Don't you hate me?
I will soon, says Terence. A tear forms in his little blue eye.
I want this water, says Terence.
Terence is lowered into the basin of orange water.
How we indulge children these days!
Some blue paint washes off.
.......
The water is brown, and Terence is several shades paler, but his shorts are still monochrome blue.
You had better get out now, advises Gaius. One should not stay too long under water
I don't want to, says Terence. Look at my beach shorts! They're not clean yet.
Kong Fu-Zi heaves himself up from his camp chair, and leans over the basin.
Take them off, suggests Kong Fu-Zi.
Terence struggles.
He can't get the shorts off.
Let me, let me! cries Baby Pierre.
........
To cut a long story short, let us return to the scene five minutes later.
Terence is resting on the grass under a Box Mistletoe.
Baby Pierre is riding his tiny bicycle round and around in the basin. Sloosh, sloosh!
The water is black.
And the shorts are in tatters.
........
Terence has been given a Panadol by Professor Freud, who always keeps some in his tool box.
So he is not crying.
He is looking up into the tree.
He sees a Rainbow Lorikeet, looking down at him contemplatively.
Plop! Even so, Terence won't cry.
......
All the grownups are sitting outside the van, on camp chairs, drinking cups of hot tea.
It's not much of a business plan, observes Victor. How do you expect to make money?
I don't expect to make money, says Freud. There are things more important than money.
Agreed, says Victor. But a business plan, I mean, I ask you......
I find myself in agreement, says Kong Fu-Zi. Your business plan is salubrious. I have spent a delightful afternoon snoozing, and dreaming of home.
Exactly, says Freud. And I have washed my curtains.
And WE got into TROUBLE! says Baby Pierre, from the depths of the basin.
So who is unhappy? asks Freud. No one.
Gaius feels this is wrong. He is uneasy about something. What is it?
I am uneasy about something, says Gaius. I just can't pinpoint it.
That often happens, says Freud. Relax. It'll come.
Gaius relaxes. It comes.
Ah yes, Victor, says Gaius. The lady! Who is she? I have been racking my brains. Kong Fu-Zi doesn't know any ladies.
What lady? asks Freud.
The lady who set Victor onto us, says Gaius. The lady who claimed the Platonic Ideal had been stolen.
Stolen? Is there a reward? asks Freud.
No, there isn't, says Victor. And my lips are professionally sealed.
...
Terence looks up at the Lorikeet.
The Lorikeet looks down on him.
You are remarkably serene, says the Lorikeet. Don't you hate me?
I will soon, says Terence. A tear forms in his little blue eye.
How The Universe Should Be
Terence is carried back to headquarters on a stretcher.
He likes it.
This is like flying, he says.
Baby Pierre rides his tiny bicycle under the stretcher.
It's going at just the right pace.
Sometimes the universe is just how you think it should be.
.....
Kong Fu-Zi and Freud are conversing through the open window.
Finished the washing yet? enquires the Great Sage.
Almost, says Freud. I'd give a great deal for a washing machine. This basin is barely adequate. I have to do all the work.
I was snoozing just now, says Kong Fu-Zi, and an old Chinese poem of the Middle Tang period popped into my head, no doubt triggered by the sounds of your washing.
How interesting, says Freud. Don't tell me till I get out my notebook.
Kong Fu-Zi waits for an adequate interval, then he says, singsong fashion:
I see a lone wild-goose crossing the River of Stars,
And I hear, in the night, thousands of washing mallets.
Extraordinary, says Freud. All thanks to me pounding and squeezing these curtains. Did I sound like thousands of washing mallets?
You must have, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Freud writes the correspondences down in his notebook.
.......
Brad looks up from his ledger.
All over? says Brad? Who's this on the stretcher?
Green Flash, says Alli. He fell in the line of duty.
He wasn't supposed to be playing, says Brad.
What! gasps Iris! But he told us.....
Brad shrugs.
Take him out. Unregistered player. No liability.
We'll see about that, says Victor.
You too, says Brad. I told you not to interfere in the war games.
Him too? says Rex. But he told us he was from......Pee....what was it?
Pee Po, says Opal. He told us this heaps funny joke.
Brad is about to stand up and deal with the situation.
Gaius looks at Victor severely.
I shall accept liability, says Gaius. Come Victor. Come Baby Pierre.
He lifts Terence from the makeshift stretcher, even though he is sticky.
........
Soon they are back at Freud's van, outside the entrance.
Freud is just in the process of emptying his basin.
Wait! says Gaius. Terence could do with a bath!
.
He likes it.
This is like flying, he says.
Baby Pierre rides his tiny bicycle under the stretcher.
It's going at just the right pace.
Sometimes the universe is just how you think it should be.
.....
Kong Fu-Zi and Freud are conversing through the open window.
Finished the washing yet? enquires the Great Sage.
Almost, says Freud. I'd give a great deal for a washing machine. This basin is barely adequate. I have to do all the work.
I was snoozing just now, says Kong Fu-Zi, and an old Chinese poem of the Middle Tang period popped into my head, no doubt triggered by the sounds of your washing.
How interesting, says Freud. Don't tell me till I get out my notebook.
Kong Fu-Zi waits for an adequate interval, then he says, singsong fashion:
I see a lone wild-goose crossing the River of Stars,
And I hear, in the night, thousands of washing mallets.
Extraordinary, says Freud. All thanks to me pounding and squeezing these curtains. Did I sound like thousands of washing mallets?
You must have, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Freud writes the correspondences down in his notebook.
.......
Brad looks up from his ledger.
All over? says Brad? Who's this on the stretcher?
Green Flash, says Alli. He fell in the line of duty.
He wasn't supposed to be playing, says Brad.
What! gasps Iris! But he told us.....
Brad shrugs.
Take him out. Unregistered player. No liability.
We'll see about that, says Victor.
You too, says Brad. I told you not to interfere in the war games.
Him too? says Rex. But he told us he was from......Pee....what was it?
Pee Po, says Opal. He told us this heaps funny joke.
Brad is about to stand up and deal with the situation.
Gaius looks at Victor severely.
I shall accept liability, says Gaius. Come Victor. Come Baby Pierre.
He lifts Terence from the makeshift stretcher, even though he is sticky.
........
Soon they are back at Freud's van, outside the entrance.
Freud is just in the process of emptying his basin.
Wait! says Gaius. Terence could do with a bath!
.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Supposed To Be Terrorists
Everyone looks at Terence, who is blue and not breathing.
We've killed him, says Opal. He's not breathing.
He doesn't, says Baby Pierre.
Are you psychic? asks Alli. Are you the small medium at large?
That was a stand-alone joke, says Victor. Nothing to do with him.
I do know the future, says Baby Pierre. The Green Flash will rise again.
But not yet. Terence lies there immobile.
Stretcher! says Rex. Sticks and canvas. Hop to it!
Max looks around for the parts.
There is a barrel with sticks and flags in it.
Go, go, go! says Max to Alli, pointing at the barrel.
This is called teamwork.
Alli runs to the barrel, grabs two sticks with flags.
She runs back to where Terence is lying.
Made it! Well done Alli!
(Because aren't there supposed to be terrorists? Has everyone forgotten?)
Alli and Iris make a stretcher for Terence, and lift him on carefully.
His little shorts are all blue now. You can't see the geckos.
Iris touches his face.
What a cherub, says Iris.
Terence is offended. He opens his eyes.
Cherub indeed.
He's alive! cries Alli.
I don't die till I'm older, says Terence.
Wow! says Alli. How do you know? Are you psychic too?
No he isn't, says Baby Pierre.
A man appears at the edge of the clearing. A man on a bike. A man with a notebook and a mechanical pencil.
Red alert, men! cries Rex. Terrorist!
There you all are, says Gaius. Ready for my talk on local bird life?
Pa-choong! ( That was Max! What a hot-head!)
Luckily he misses.
Gaius, says Victor. I see you still have my pencil.
Here it is, says Gaius. Sorry I kept it. Inadvertence on my part.
Is this another joke? asks Opal. Because it's not funny. We've got a kid on a stretcher.
Joke? says Gaius.
I told a joke , says Victor. I thought it went down rather well.
Would everyone rather I told a joke ? asks Gaius. I do know one.
Yes! cries Baby Pierre.
It's an amusing definition, says Gaius. A geologist friend of mine told me....
Go on, says Alli.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery, says Gaius.
There follows a short silence.
What's the punchline? asks Baby Pierre.
We've killed him, says Opal. He's not breathing.
He doesn't, says Baby Pierre.
Are you psychic? asks Alli. Are you the small medium at large?
That was a stand-alone joke, says Victor. Nothing to do with him.
I do know the future, says Baby Pierre. The Green Flash will rise again.
But not yet. Terence lies there immobile.
Stretcher! says Rex. Sticks and canvas. Hop to it!
Max looks around for the parts.
There is a barrel with sticks and flags in it.
Go, go, go! says Max to Alli, pointing at the barrel.
This is called teamwork.
Alli runs to the barrel, grabs two sticks with flags.
She runs back to where Terence is lying.
Made it! Well done Alli!
(Because aren't there supposed to be terrorists? Has everyone forgotten?)
Alli and Iris make a stretcher for Terence, and lift him on carefully.
His little shorts are all blue now. You can't see the geckos.
Iris touches his face.
What a cherub, says Iris.
Terence is offended. He opens his eyes.
Cherub indeed.
He's alive! cries Alli.
I don't die till I'm older, says Terence.
Wow! says Alli. How do you know? Are you psychic too?
No he isn't, says Baby Pierre.
A man appears at the edge of the clearing. A man on a bike. A man with a notebook and a mechanical pencil.
Red alert, men! cries Rex. Terrorist!
There you all are, says Gaius. Ready for my talk on local bird life?
Pa-choong! ( That was Max! What a hot-head!)
Luckily he misses.
Gaius, says Victor. I see you still have my pencil.
Here it is, says Gaius. Sorry I kept it. Inadvertence on my part.
Is this another joke? asks Opal. Because it's not funny. We've got a kid on a stretcher.
Joke? says Gaius.
I told a joke , says Victor. I thought it went down rather well.
Would everyone rather I told a joke ? asks Gaius. I do know one.
Yes! cries Baby Pierre.
It's an amusing definition, says Gaius. A geologist friend of mine told me....
Go on, says Alli.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery, says Gaius.
There follows a short silence.
What's the punchline? asks Baby Pierre.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Does Anyone Believe In First Principles?
What are IEDs anyway? says Alli.
Devices, says Iris.
Brilliant! says Alli. Like ipads and iphones and that?
Improvised Explosive Devices, says Iris. But they won't be real ones. Now shut up. Can you hear something?
Boom! says Terence. Pa-choong!
Iris places her hand over Terence's mouth.
I mean really, says Iris. This isn't a game. It's a mission.
What is it? says Terence.
A mission, hisses Alli.
But what is the mission? whispers Terence.
Secure the devices, says Alli. Didn't you listen?
They creep up to a clearing. In the clearing are various barrels, draped in camouflage rags, but no people.
This'll be easy, says Terence.
.......
Victor and Baby Pierre arrive at the other side of the clearing. Victor props the Platonic Ideal up against a Silver Banksia.
What now? says Baby Pierre.
Surveillance, says Victor. Let me know if you see any movement.
He gets out his notebook.
Damn! Gaius still has his pencil!
.......
Three team members appear at the edge of the clearing.
Rex, Max and Opal.
Rex: Look out for signs of terrorist activity!
Max: The barrels are signs of terrorist activity!
Opal: He's right Rex. They're full of unexploded devices.
Rex: What's the point of firing at unexploded devices?
Opal: Yeah, they might go off. We have to look out for actual terrorist people.
Max: Look over there!
Rex: What?
Opal: Oh it's a baby! He's got cute little shorts on.
Rex: Attack the baby!
Max: Ka-choong!
Opal: How can you? I'm going forward. Hold your fire!
Max: Tch! Women.
Opal: I heard that! Pa-choong!
Max: Ooh! Not fair! We're on the same side.
Rex: Team building, remember!
Opal: Doesn't anyone believe in First Principles!
.........
Terence lies on the ground in the middle of the clearing, surrounded by team members. He is bright blue.
Iris and Alli edge forward.
Does this mean it's over? says Iris
Baby Pierre can no longer restrain himself. He rides forward on his tiny bicycle.
It's not over! cries Baby Pierre. It's just started!
Victor has no choice now but to emerge from behind the Silver Banksia.
Hello all, says Victor. I'm from Pee Pee Pee at Po. Anyone heard this one?
Opal: A joke? You're not serious!
Victor: A midget psychic escapes from prison. The police issue a statement: Small medium at large.
There is silence while the team members digest this new turn of events in the mission.
But it is pretty funny. Small medium at large.
One by one, they all start to laugh.
Except the number two Green Flash, ( the blue one) who appears to have carked it.
Devices, says Iris.
Brilliant! says Alli. Like ipads and iphones and that?
Improvised Explosive Devices, says Iris. But they won't be real ones. Now shut up. Can you hear something?
Boom! says Terence. Pa-choong!
Iris places her hand over Terence's mouth.
I mean really, says Iris. This isn't a game. It's a mission.
What is it? says Terence.
A mission, hisses Alli.
But what is the mission? whispers Terence.
Secure the devices, says Alli. Didn't you listen?
They creep up to a clearing. In the clearing are various barrels, draped in camouflage rags, but no people.
This'll be easy, says Terence.
.......
Victor and Baby Pierre arrive at the other side of the clearing. Victor props the Platonic Ideal up against a Silver Banksia.
What now? says Baby Pierre.
Surveillance, says Victor. Let me know if you see any movement.
He gets out his notebook.
Damn! Gaius still has his pencil!
.......
Three team members appear at the edge of the clearing.
Rex, Max and Opal.
Rex: Look out for signs of terrorist activity!
Max: The barrels are signs of terrorist activity!
Opal: He's right Rex. They're full of unexploded devices.
Rex: What's the point of firing at unexploded devices?
Opal: Yeah, they might go off. We have to look out for actual terrorist people.
Max: Look over there!
Rex: What?
Opal: Oh it's a baby! He's got cute little shorts on.
Rex: Attack the baby!
Max: Ka-choong!
Opal: How can you? I'm going forward. Hold your fire!
Max: Tch! Women.
Opal: I heard that! Pa-choong!
Max: Ooh! Not fair! We're on the same side.
Rex: Team building, remember!
Opal: Doesn't anyone believe in First Principles!
.........
Terence lies on the ground in the middle of the clearing, surrounded by team members. He is bright blue.
Iris and Alli edge forward.
Does this mean it's over? says Iris
Baby Pierre can no longer restrain himself. He rides forward on his tiny bicycle.
It's not over! cries Baby Pierre. It's just started!
Victor has no choice now but to emerge from behind the Silver Banksia.
Hello all, says Victor. I'm from Pee Pee Pee at Po. Anyone heard this one?
Opal: A joke? You're not serious!
Victor: A midget psychic escapes from prison. The police issue a statement: Small medium at large.
There is silence while the team members digest this new turn of events in the mission.
But it is pretty funny. Small medium at large.
One by one, they all start to laugh.
Except the number two Green Flash, ( the blue one) who appears to have carked it.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Importance And Coolness Of Maps
Victor! says Brad. What's up? Is there trouble?
No, no, says Victor. I'm off duty. Just wondering.....
Yes? says Brad.
Just wondering what the rules are on bicycles, says Victor.
Dunno, says Brad. I'll just check the rule book.
He opens a drawer, pulls out a rule book.
Baby Pierre taps his foot. Who cares what the rules are on bicycles?
He needs to go to The Barrels.
It's all right, says Baby Pierre. The policeman can take me.
What's that? says Brad. Are you still here? I told you, you can't have a map.
What, not giving out maps now? says Victor. That's risky.
He's not a team member, says Brad.
I'm the Green Flash, says Baby Pierre. The other Green Flash has been captured.
Sounds to me like he thinks he is a team member, says Victor. You're obliged to give him a map, Brad.
See the size of this map? says Brad. He's too little to unfold it.
So he is, says Victor. All right. Can I lead him in on my bicycle?
Seeing you're acting as an escort, sure you can, says Brad. Just don't interfere with the war games.
Of course not, says Victor. He takes the map and exits the headquarters with Baby Pierre.
Hoo hoo! says Baby Pierre We fooled him.
Nothing of the sort, says Victor. We now have official permission.
He unfolds the map.
This way to The Barrels, says Victor.
He leads the way, Green Flash pedaling behind him.
.......
Terence is lost. Turns out he didn't know a short cut.
You don't know a shortcut, says Iris.
Not this one, says Terence.
Shit, says Alli. We're losing time. The others'll be at the Barrels. Bet they've already started.
Yeah, says Iris. I'll get out the map.
She sits down on a dirt mound, under a Silky Tea Tree, and unfolds the map of The Barrels.
It's not that far away, says Iris. Look, this is where we are.
Alli looks over her shoulder.
Mm. And there are the Barrels, plain as day, says Alli. That's kinda weird isn't it? Aren't we meant to find them?
No, babe, says Iris. We're meant to secure them. Didn't you read all the crap?
No, says Alli. It was all about Team Building and that.
Some of it wasn't, says Iris. You know, don't you Green Flash?
I do know, says Terence. We're meant to secure them.
Right , says Iris. And they're full of what?
Beads, says Terence, taking a stab.
That's right, IEDs says Iris. Well done Green Flash.
He said beads, says Alli.
Well, you had no idea, says Iris. Come on let's go. We're close, so keep to the trees.
No, no, says Victor. I'm off duty. Just wondering.....
Yes? says Brad.
Just wondering what the rules are on bicycles, says Victor.
Dunno, says Brad. I'll just check the rule book.
He opens a drawer, pulls out a rule book.
Baby Pierre taps his foot. Who cares what the rules are on bicycles?
He needs to go to The Barrels.
It's all right, says Baby Pierre. The policeman can take me.
What's that? says Brad. Are you still here? I told you, you can't have a map.
What, not giving out maps now? says Victor. That's risky.
He's not a team member, says Brad.
I'm the Green Flash, says Baby Pierre. The other Green Flash has been captured.
Sounds to me like he thinks he is a team member, says Victor. You're obliged to give him a map, Brad.
See the size of this map? says Brad. He's too little to unfold it.
So he is, says Victor. All right. Can I lead him in on my bicycle?
Seeing you're acting as an escort, sure you can, says Brad. Just don't interfere with the war games.
Of course not, says Victor. He takes the map and exits the headquarters with Baby Pierre.
Hoo hoo! says Baby Pierre We fooled him.
Nothing of the sort, says Victor. We now have official permission.
He unfolds the map.
This way to The Barrels, says Victor.
He leads the way, Green Flash pedaling behind him.
.......
Terence is lost. Turns out he didn't know a short cut.
You don't know a shortcut, says Iris.
Not this one, says Terence.
Shit, says Alli. We're losing time. The others'll be at the Barrels. Bet they've already started.
Yeah, says Iris. I'll get out the map.
She sits down on a dirt mound, under a Silky Tea Tree, and unfolds the map of The Barrels.
It's not that far away, says Iris. Look, this is where we are.
Alli looks over her shoulder.
Mm. And there are the Barrels, plain as day, says Alli. That's kinda weird isn't it? Aren't we meant to find them?
No, babe, says Iris. We're meant to secure them. Didn't you read all the crap?
No, says Alli. It was all about Team Building and that.
Some of it wasn't, says Iris. You know, don't you Green Flash?
I do know, says Terence. We're meant to secure them.
Right , says Iris. And they're full of what?
Beads, says Terence, taking a stab.
That's right, IEDs says Iris. Well done Green Flash.
He said beads, says Alli.
Well, you had no idea, says Iris. Come on let's go. We're close, so keep to the trees.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Why We Have Laws In This Country
The Great Sage snoozes, in the late afternoon sunshine.
Victor comes out of the van, with a paintgun and paintballs.
Oi oi, says Victor. Wakey-wakey!
Uh? says Kong Fu-Zi.
I'm taking the bicycle, says Victor. Just letting you know. I'll be back in an hour or two.
Where to....? mutters Kong Fu-Zi.
Just round and about in the forest, says Victor. Firing paintballs, doing police jokes, keeping clear of the management. Yep. Looking forward to it. Any tips on the bicycle?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. Just remember it's stolen.
Shit a brick! says Victor. You told me it wasn't. Oh wait, joking yeah?
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. I was joking. But that is unlike me. A thousand apologies. One should not be revengeful.
Revengeful? says Victor. Of course not. That's why we have laws in this country.
He goes over to the police car opens the boot and lifts out the Platonic Ideal.
He gets on, adjusts his paintball gun and ball bag, and rides off in the direction taken by Baby Pierre.
Freud steps out of the camper.
Funny chap that Victor, says Freud. He just told me a corker!
About preserving disorder? says Kong Fu-Zi. I believe I heard it.
No, not that one, says Freud. This one's even better. Remember The Two Ronnies?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. There are no Ronnies in China.
Of course not, says Freud. I'll tell you now, see if you get it.
He clears his throat, and says, in a voice somewhat like Ronnie Corbett's :
Police arrested two kids today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
(Then, in a voice like Ronnie Barker's): They charged one and let off the other.
Freud looks at Kong Fu-Zi to gauge his reaction.
Kong Fu-Zi looks pained. Perhaps his ankle is hurting.
He says: Wasn't that Tommy Cooper?
Why yes! Fancy you knowing, says Freud.
........
Baby Pierre zooms through the forest on his tiny bicycle.
Headquarters. Where is Terence? He was supposed to be waiting.
He must have been captured already.
Baby Pierre dismounts and marches inside. Brad looks up from his paperwork.
I need a map, says Baby Pierre. This is serious.
Are you kidding? says Brad. Look at the size of you. Now look at the size of this map.
It seems the problem is insurmountable.
But then, in comes Victor. Isn't he supposed to be avoiding the management?
Honestly. Why can't people obey their instructions?
Victor comes out of the van, with a paintgun and paintballs.
Oi oi, says Victor. Wakey-wakey!
Uh? says Kong Fu-Zi.
I'm taking the bicycle, says Victor. Just letting you know. I'll be back in an hour or two.
Where to....? mutters Kong Fu-Zi.
Just round and about in the forest, says Victor. Firing paintballs, doing police jokes, keeping clear of the management. Yep. Looking forward to it. Any tips on the bicycle?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. Just remember it's stolen.
Shit a brick! says Victor. You told me it wasn't. Oh wait, joking yeah?
Yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. I was joking. But that is unlike me. A thousand apologies. One should not be revengeful.
Revengeful? says Victor. Of course not. That's why we have laws in this country.
He goes over to the police car opens the boot and lifts out the Platonic Ideal.
He gets on, adjusts his paintball gun and ball bag, and rides off in the direction taken by Baby Pierre.
Freud steps out of the camper.
Funny chap that Victor, says Freud. He just told me a corker!
About preserving disorder? says Kong Fu-Zi. I believe I heard it.
No, not that one, says Freud. This one's even better. Remember The Two Ronnies?
No, says Kong Fu-Zi. There are no Ronnies in China.
Of course not, says Freud. I'll tell you now, see if you get it.
He clears his throat, and says, in a voice somewhat like Ronnie Corbett's :
Police arrested two kids today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
(Then, in a voice like Ronnie Barker's): They charged one and let off the other.
Freud looks at Kong Fu-Zi to gauge his reaction.
Kong Fu-Zi looks pained. Perhaps his ankle is hurting.
He says: Wasn't that Tommy Cooper?
Why yes! Fancy you knowing, says Freud.
........
Baby Pierre zooms through the forest on his tiny bicycle.
Headquarters. Where is Terence? He was supposed to be waiting.
He must have been captured already.
Baby Pierre dismounts and marches inside. Brad looks up from his paperwork.
I need a map, says Baby Pierre. This is serious.
Are you kidding? says Brad. Look at the size of you. Now look at the size of this map.
It seems the problem is insurmountable.
But then, in comes Victor. Isn't he supposed to be avoiding the management?
Honestly. Why can't people obey their instructions?
Friday, October 10, 2014
The Well-Ordered Universe
Baby Pierre zooms back to the van to get his bicycle.
Terence waits under a tree.
Footsteps crackle in the undergrowth. Two team members appear.
Forgot to take out my contacts, says one team member.
I need a pee, says the other. Hope we don't get in trouble.
They disappear into a building. Two minutes later they come out.
Terence knows a heaven-sent chance when he sees it.
Why wait for Baby Pierre?
Crackle crackle.
Did you hear that, Iris? says the other team member ( Alli ).
Yes, says Iris, I did. Oh Jesus! Has it started already?
No way, says Alli. We're nowhere near the Barrels. But yeah. Stop a minute.
Terence keeps walking, straight into the trap.
Sheez! A baby! says Iris. That's so wrong.
Yeah, says Alli, but is it a real one, or one of those camouflage dummies?
Idiot, says Iris. No one would do that.
Terrorists would, says Alli. Human shields and all that.
Talk to it, says Iris. But don't pick it up.
Hello baby, says Alli. Anything to say for yourself?
I used to live in a palace, says Terence. I had my own Parrot. In Spain.
Something's wrong with it, says Alli. That makes fuck all sense.
I reckon, capture it anyway, says Iris.
No no, says Terence. That was me giving you my credentials. I'm part of your team.
No kidding! says Iris. Wait a second. What game are we playing?
The Barrels, says Terence.
You don't happen to know the way, do you? asks Alli.
I even know a short cut, says Terence.
Cool, says Iris. Lead on, baby.
Green Flash, says Terence, fitting easily into the narrative
.........
Baby Pierre has arrived at the van.
Kong Fu-Zi is sitting outside, with his foot up.
Hello, says Baby Pierre. I've come for my bicycle.
Laughter drifts through the curtainless window.
Who's inside? asks Baby Pierre. A policeman?
A would-be philosopher, says Kong Fu-Zi. I have been driven outside.
But you DO philosophy! says Baby Pierre.
Listen, says Kong Fu-Zi. Laughter! Is philosophy supposed to funny?
No way, says Baby Pierre. It's meant to be boring.
Perhaps you would like Vincent's joke, says Kong Fu-Zi. I didn't.
What was it? asks Baby Pierre.
The police are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve disorder, says Kong Fu-Zi.
That's a rubbish joke, says Baby Pierre. Did Professor Freud think it was funny?
He laughed till he cried, says Kong Fu-Zi.
That's funny, says Baby Pierre.
He grabs hold of his tiny bicycle with its green fluoroelastane wheels.
I'm off to the Barrels, says Baby Pierre. I mean, nowhere....don't tell anyone. Bye. Hope to die.
Kong Fu-Zi closes his eyes and drifts into a dream of a beautiful well-ordered universe.
Terence waits under a tree.
Footsteps crackle in the undergrowth. Two team members appear.
Forgot to take out my contacts, says one team member.
I need a pee, says the other. Hope we don't get in trouble.
They disappear into a building. Two minutes later they come out.
Terence knows a heaven-sent chance when he sees it.
Why wait for Baby Pierre?
Crackle crackle.
Did you hear that, Iris? says the other team member ( Alli ).
Yes, says Iris, I did. Oh Jesus! Has it started already?
No way, says Alli. We're nowhere near the Barrels. But yeah. Stop a minute.
Terence keeps walking, straight into the trap.
Sheez! A baby! says Iris. That's so wrong.
Yeah, says Alli, but is it a real one, or one of those camouflage dummies?
Idiot, says Iris. No one would do that.
Terrorists would, says Alli. Human shields and all that.
Talk to it, says Iris. But don't pick it up.
Hello baby, says Alli. Anything to say for yourself?
I used to live in a palace, says Terence. I had my own Parrot. In Spain.
Something's wrong with it, says Alli. That makes fuck all sense.
I reckon, capture it anyway, says Iris.
No no, says Terence. That was me giving you my credentials. I'm part of your team.
No kidding! says Iris. Wait a second. What game are we playing?
The Barrels, says Terence.
You don't happen to know the way, do you? asks Alli.
I even know a short cut, says Terence.
Cool, says Iris. Lead on, baby.
Green Flash, says Terence, fitting easily into the narrative
.........
Baby Pierre has arrived at the van.
Kong Fu-Zi is sitting outside, with his foot up.
Hello, says Baby Pierre. I've come for my bicycle.
Laughter drifts through the curtainless window.
Who's inside? asks Baby Pierre. A policeman?
A would-be philosopher, says Kong Fu-Zi. I have been driven outside.
But you DO philosophy! says Baby Pierre.
Listen, says Kong Fu-Zi. Laughter! Is philosophy supposed to funny?
No way, says Baby Pierre. It's meant to be boring.
Perhaps you would like Vincent's joke, says Kong Fu-Zi. I didn't.
What was it? asks Baby Pierre.
The police are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve disorder, says Kong Fu-Zi.
That's a rubbish joke, says Baby Pierre. Did Professor Freud think it was funny?
He laughed till he cried, says Kong Fu-Zi.
That's funny, says Baby Pierre.
He grabs hold of his tiny bicycle with its green fluoroelastane wheels.
I'm off to the Barrels, says Baby Pierre. I mean, nowhere....don't tell anyone. Bye. Hope to die.
Kong Fu-Zi closes his eyes and drifts into a dream of a beautiful well-ordered universe.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The Police Are The Public
Paintball Sports headquarters. Baby Pierre approaches the desk.
Brad looks up. Can I help you?
Yes, says Baby Pierre. Me and Terence, we want to sign up for a mission.
We have an age limit, says Brad. How old are you guys?
Not that old, says Baby Pierre. Under a million.
It's a lower limit, says Brad. How far under? Under twelve?
Ha ha, laughs Baby Pierre. How old do you think pebbles are?
And statues of Jesus, says Terence.
Brad inspects Terence.
You definitely look like a baby, says Brad. No way can you do a mission.
I'm two thousand and forty seven says Terence.
You can't be, says Brad.
No you can't be, says Baby Pierre.
Two teams enter headquarters, dressed in combat gear.
Okay Brad, says one team leader. We're ready. Which way to The Barrels?
Brad gives them a map, a set of instructions, paintguns and a number of paintballs. They leave, double checking their paintballs.
Brad writes strings of numbers down in his note book.
When he looks up, the Green Flashes have vanished.
Did that even happen? thinks Brad.
.......
That sucked, says Baby Pierre.
Yes, that really sucked, says Terence.
Let's follow them anyway, says Baby Pierre.
What about our bicycles? asks Terence.
You don't have one, says Baby Pierre. You can't even ride. You get your parrot to do it.
My parrot...... says Terence.
His little face crumples.
........
Back in Freud's van the kettle is boiling.
Freud makes everyone tea.
Kong Fu-Zi starts to feel better.
Freud explains his business plan to Victor. Infiltrate an existing Paintball business, introduce random bicycles and pop up philosophers.
Good plan, in parts, says Victor. But not everyone is a philosopher.
You may think that, says Freud. But you'd be surprised. Gaius was popular in Victoria Square. He spoke about bird iridescence.
Isn't that science? asks Victor.
Yes, yes, says Freud impatiently. It's whatever you're good at. No doubt you yourself are good at something.
As a matter of fact, says Victor, we policemen pride ourselves on our philosophy.
Victor explains police philosophy.
The police are the public and the public are the police, says Victor, the police being the only members of the public who are paid to give full time attention to duties which are incumbent on every citizen, in the interests of community welfare.
Very impressive, says Freud. You should join Team Pee Pee Pee at Po.
If only I'd brought my bicycle, says Victor.
Have mine, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Brad looks up. Can I help you?
Yes, says Baby Pierre. Me and Terence, we want to sign up for a mission.
We have an age limit, says Brad. How old are you guys?
Not that old, says Baby Pierre. Under a million.
It's a lower limit, says Brad. How far under? Under twelve?
Ha ha, laughs Baby Pierre. How old do you think pebbles are?
And statues of Jesus, says Terence.
Brad inspects Terence.
You definitely look like a baby, says Brad. No way can you do a mission.
I'm two thousand and forty seven says Terence.
You can't be, says Brad.
No you can't be, says Baby Pierre.
Two teams enter headquarters, dressed in combat gear.
Okay Brad, says one team leader. We're ready. Which way to The Barrels?
Brad gives them a map, a set of instructions, paintguns and a number of paintballs. They leave, double checking their paintballs.
Brad writes strings of numbers down in his note book.
When he looks up, the Green Flashes have vanished.
Did that even happen? thinks Brad.
.......
That sucked, says Baby Pierre.
Yes, that really sucked, says Terence.
Let's follow them anyway, says Baby Pierre.
What about our bicycles? asks Terence.
You don't have one, says Baby Pierre. You can't even ride. You get your parrot to do it.
My parrot...... says Terence.
His little face crumples.
........
Back in Freud's van the kettle is boiling.
Freud makes everyone tea.
Kong Fu-Zi starts to feel better.
Freud explains his business plan to Victor. Infiltrate an existing Paintball business, introduce random bicycles and pop up philosophers.
Good plan, in parts, says Victor. But not everyone is a philosopher.
You may think that, says Freud. But you'd be surprised. Gaius was popular in Victoria Square. He spoke about bird iridescence.
Isn't that science? asks Victor.
Yes, yes, says Freud impatiently. It's whatever you're good at. No doubt you yourself are good at something.
As a matter of fact, says Victor, we policemen pride ourselves on our philosophy.
Victor explains police philosophy.
The police are the public and the public are the police, says Victor, the police being the only members of the public who are paid to give full time attention to duties which are incumbent on every citizen, in the interests of community welfare.
Very impressive, says Freud. You should join Team Pee Pee Pee at Po.
If only I'd brought my bicycle, says Victor.
Have mine, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Action Such As You Never Dreamed Of
Victor can't locate Blackfellows' Creek Road. Where is it?
I usually come at it from the other side, says Victor. We may have to take the long way.
That's fine by me, says Kong Fu-Zi. Take as long as you like.
He returns to his reverie in which
the river runs between heaven and earth
the colour of mountains both is and is not
the dwellings of men seem floating along
on ripples of distant sky.....
Ah, says Victor eventually. Here we are. This is the entrance.Take a look at that van over there. Disgraceful.
Kong Fu-Zi opens his eyes.
It's the van of our friend, Professor Freud, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh, is it? says Victor, pulling up beside the ill-painted van.
He gets out of the police car and knocks on the door.
KNOCK ( just one loud one).
Freud opens the door.
Victor! says Freud. I was just doing some washing. Come in!
Your friend's here, the Chinese chappie, says Victor. Got a bung ankle.
That's unfortunate, says Freud. He is a crucial part of my modus operandi. Bring him in.
Victor helps Kong Fu-Zi into the van. The van creaks as the three men sit down.
Excuse there being no curtains, says Freud. Orange paint. Slight mishap.
Quite all right, says Victor. What's this about a modus operandi?
Pee Pee Pee at Po, says Freud. My new venture. Where is Gaius? Isn't he with you?
Coming on his bicycle, says Victor. Didn't want a lift in my police car.
That's Gaius all over, says Freud. Well, who's for a coffee?
Tea please, says Kong Fu-Zi.
He looks around. Where are the little Green Flashes?
Gone out to do a reconnaissance, says Freud, tapping his nose.
He puts on the kettle.
The clock ticks. The sun shines through the curtainless window.
It is very domestic and nice.
.........
As for the Green Flashes:
They have prowled through the trees.
They have seen action such as they never dreamed of.
Men and women in military gear with camouflaged faces hiding behind bunkers, leaping out from behind barrels, firing loud ammunition, screaming and shouting.
Woo, says Baby Pierre. This is better than our little setup.
Woo, says Terence.
Know what? says Baby Pierre.
What? says Terence.
I want to play this, says Baby Pierre. Not Pee Po.
Woo, says Terence again. But Freud said keep out of the way.
I'm going straight to headquarters, says Baby Pierre. And I'm signing up. Coming?
Um, says Terence.
Wimp, says Baby Pierre.
No I'm coming, says Terence. That's what um means. C and then um, and then ing.
The Green Flashes creep up to Paintball Sports Headquarters. The door opens.
And they go in.
I usually come at it from the other side, says Victor. We may have to take the long way.
That's fine by me, says Kong Fu-Zi. Take as long as you like.
He returns to his reverie in which
the river runs between heaven and earth
the colour of mountains both is and is not
the dwellings of men seem floating along
on ripples of distant sky.....
Ah, says Victor eventually. Here we are. This is the entrance.Take a look at that van over there. Disgraceful.
Kong Fu-Zi opens his eyes.
It's the van of our friend, Professor Freud, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Oh, is it? says Victor, pulling up beside the ill-painted van.
He gets out of the police car and knocks on the door.
KNOCK ( just one loud one).
Freud opens the door.
Victor! says Freud. I was just doing some washing. Come in!
Your friend's here, the Chinese chappie, says Victor. Got a bung ankle.
That's unfortunate, says Freud. He is a crucial part of my modus operandi. Bring him in.
Victor helps Kong Fu-Zi into the van. The van creaks as the three men sit down.
Excuse there being no curtains, says Freud. Orange paint. Slight mishap.
Quite all right, says Victor. What's this about a modus operandi?
Pee Pee Pee at Po, says Freud. My new venture. Where is Gaius? Isn't he with you?
Coming on his bicycle, says Victor. Didn't want a lift in my police car.
That's Gaius all over, says Freud. Well, who's for a coffee?
Tea please, says Kong Fu-Zi.
He looks around. Where are the little Green Flashes?
Gone out to do a reconnaissance, says Freud, tapping his nose.
He puts on the kettle.
The clock ticks. The sun shines through the curtainless window.
It is very domestic and nice.
.........
As for the Green Flashes:
They have prowled through the trees.
They have seen action such as they never dreamed of.
Men and women in military gear with camouflaged faces hiding behind bunkers, leaping out from behind barrels, firing loud ammunition, screaming and shouting.
Woo, says Baby Pierre. This is better than our little setup.
Woo, says Terence.
Know what? says Baby Pierre.
What? says Terence.
I want to play this, says Baby Pierre. Not Pee Po.
Woo, says Terence again. But Freud said keep out of the way.
I'm going straight to headquarters, says Baby Pierre. And I'm signing up. Coming?
Um, says Terence.
Wimp, says Baby Pierre.
No I'm coming, says Terence. That's what um means. C and then um, and then ing.
The Green Flashes creep up to Paintball Sports Headquarters. The door opens.
And they go in.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
The World Abounds With Indefinites
Ten minutes later, the ten minutes is up. Now Victor's off duty.
I'll give you both a lift in my police car, says Victor.
Kong Fu-Zi may need a lift, says Gaius. I prefer to continue to cycle.
Very kind of you, Vincent, says Kong Fu-Zi. I feel my Qi is quite out of balance. Is there room in your car for my.....for the bicycle?
Certainly, says Vincent, loading the Platonic Ideal into the back of the police car.
He helps Kong Fu-Zi into the front.
Kong Fu-Zi arranges his garment comfortably, and closes his eyes.
Meet you at Paintball Sports, says Vincent, waving to Gaius as he pulls out into Battunga Road.
Farewell, says Gaius. Until later.
He mounts his bike and starts riding. .
He is glad to be alone.
Alone, one can enjoy the surroundings without having to make conversation.
One is naturally more perceptive.
For example, what's that? A Rainbow Lorikeet?
And what's that? A Superb Blue Wren?
A Laughing Kookaburra! A New Holland Honeyeater!
And is that a Spotted Pardelote on the Stick Hop Bush?
Oops. Startled it! Gone!
He stops, intending to jot down a few names in the back of his bird book.
He feels for a pencil.
Ah! Vincent's pencil!
He hasn't given it back.
Never mind, thinks Gaius. I'll return it later.
This sets him thinking about the nature of indefinite borrowing.
Any philosopher would be perfectly alright with the concept. Schopenhauer had no qualms at all.
Who then was the mysterious lady who complained to the police that the bicycle was missing?
How many ladies does Kong Fu-Zi know?
A Yellow Tailed Black Cockatoo peers down from a branch of a Short Leaf Honey Myrtle, unspotted.
Gaius's mind is on ladies.....ladies, ladies, ladies.
The thought occurs to him, as thoughts do, that it need not be a lady known to Kong Fu-Zi.
Perhaps another species of lady entirely. The world abounds with mysterious ladies.
Pleased with his own perspicacity, he continues his journey.
I'll give you both a lift in my police car, says Victor.
Kong Fu-Zi may need a lift, says Gaius. I prefer to continue to cycle.
Very kind of you, Vincent, says Kong Fu-Zi. I feel my Qi is quite out of balance. Is there room in your car for my.....for the bicycle?
Certainly, says Vincent, loading the Platonic Ideal into the back of the police car.
He helps Kong Fu-Zi into the front.
Kong Fu-Zi arranges his garment comfortably, and closes his eyes.
Meet you at Paintball Sports, says Vincent, waving to Gaius as he pulls out into Battunga Road.
Farewell, says Gaius. Until later.
He mounts his bike and starts riding. .
He is glad to be alone.
Alone, one can enjoy the surroundings without having to make conversation.
One is naturally more perceptive.
For example, what's that? A Rainbow Lorikeet?
And what's that? A Superb Blue Wren?
A Laughing Kookaburra! A New Holland Honeyeater!
And is that a Spotted Pardelote on the Stick Hop Bush?
Oops. Startled it! Gone!
He stops, intending to jot down a few names in the back of his bird book.
He feels for a pencil.
Ah! Vincent's pencil!
He hasn't given it back.
Never mind, thinks Gaius. I'll return it later.
This sets him thinking about the nature of indefinite borrowing.
Any philosopher would be perfectly alright with the concept. Schopenhauer had no qualms at all.
Who then was the mysterious lady who complained to the police that the bicycle was missing?
How many ladies does Kong Fu-Zi know?
A Yellow Tailed Black Cockatoo peers down from a branch of a Short Leaf Honey Myrtle, unspotted.
Gaius's mind is on ladies.....ladies, ladies, ladies.
The thought occurs to him, as thoughts do, that it need not be a lady known to Kong Fu-Zi.
Perhaps another species of lady entirely. The world abounds with mysterious ladies.
Pleased with his own perspicacity, he continues his journey.
Monday, October 6, 2014
General Applications Of Excrement
Wait here, says Victor. I need to examine the bicycle. I presume you deny that it's stolen.
Not stolen, says Kong Fu-Zi. But nor is it mine.
Typical, says Victor, getting up and walking back to the dirt heap.
Kong Fu-Zi wonders what it was that was typical.
Gaius comes back.
Found any dung? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
No, says Gaius, but I found various spots of bird excrement. Pity you lost the knife.
Take this pencil, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's quite sharp.
(It's the police pencil. Kong Fu-Zi is turning out almost as resourceful as Arthur).
You are familiar with Chinese medicine? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Not particularly, says Gaius.
I just thought you must be, says Kong Fu-Zi. Bird excrement. We use that.
Everyone uses it, says Gaius. Dung of quail is quite good.
Mixed with ashes of magpie nest, says Kong Fu-Zi. Good for nervous diseases, fluxes and as a general sedative.
I believe common house sparrow excrement, mixed with peppercorns, powdered and mixed with wine or spirits, also diminishes pain, says Gaius. The world of medicine agrees on these basic principles. It is most reassuring.
Off you go then, says Kong Fu-Zi. Here's the pencil. Don't break the lead. It belongs to the policeman
What an excellent pencil! says Gaius, closely examining the pencil.
He doesn't seem in a hurry to go back for the bird shit.
Victor returns, looking professional.
Now then, says Victor. I have a question or two.
Fire away, says Gaius.
Whose bike is it? asks Victor. Think carefully before you answer.
It belongs to Schopenhauer, says Gaius. He lent it to Kong Fu-Zi here. A gentlemen's agreement.
How long for? asks Victor.
An indefinite period, says Gaius. Don't tell me he's reported it missing.
No, he hasn't, says Victor. It was a lady.
What lady? says Gaius.
Kong Fu-Zi is glad Gaius is fielding the questions. He is feeling queasy and in dire need of excrement.
I don't reveal my complainants, says Victor. But this lady was persistent. That's why I'm here.
I assure you the Platonic Ideal does NOT belong to a lady, says Gaius. So ....
One more question, says Victor. Why is there paint on the bicycle?
Paintball, says Gaius.
At last! Victor has asked the right question.
You play paintball! says Victor. Do you know Paintball Sports in Kuitpo?
That's where we're going, says Gaius. We're meeting Freud there.
Victor looks at his watch.
Ten more minutes and he'll be off duty.
Not stolen, says Kong Fu-Zi. But nor is it mine.
Typical, says Victor, getting up and walking back to the dirt heap.
Kong Fu-Zi wonders what it was that was typical.
Gaius comes back.
Found any dung? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
No, says Gaius, but I found various spots of bird excrement. Pity you lost the knife.
Take this pencil, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's quite sharp.
(It's the police pencil. Kong Fu-Zi is turning out almost as resourceful as Arthur).
You are familiar with Chinese medicine? says Kong Fu-Zi.
Not particularly, says Gaius.
I just thought you must be, says Kong Fu-Zi. Bird excrement. We use that.
Everyone uses it, says Gaius. Dung of quail is quite good.
Mixed with ashes of magpie nest, says Kong Fu-Zi. Good for nervous diseases, fluxes and as a general sedative.
I believe common house sparrow excrement, mixed with peppercorns, powdered and mixed with wine or spirits, also diminishes pain, says Gaius. The world of medicine agrees on these basic principles. It is most reassuring.
Off you go then, says Kong Fu-Zi. Here's the pencil. Don't break the lead. It belongs to the policeman
What an excellent pencil! says Gaius, closely examining the pencil.
He doesn't seem in a hurry to go back for the bird shit.
Victor returns, looking professional.
Now then, says Victor. I have a question or two.
Fire away, says Gaius.
Whose bike is it? asks Victor. Think carefully before you answer.
It belongs to Schopenhauer, says Gaius. He lent it to Kong Fu-Zi here. A gentlemen's agreement.
How long for? asks Victor.
An indefinite period, says Gaius. Don't tell me he's reported it missing.
No, he hasn't, says Victor. It was a lady.
What lady? says Gaius.
Kong Fu-Zi is glad Gaius is fielding the questions. He is feeling queasy and in dire need of excrement.
I don't reveal my complainants, says Victor. But this lady was persistent. That's why I'm here.
I assure you the Platonic Ideal does NOT belong to a lady, says Gaius. So ....
One more question, says Victor. Why is there paint on the bicycle?
Paintball, says Gaius.
At last! Victor has asked the right question.
You play paintball! says Victor. Do you know Paintball Sports in Kuitpo?
That's where we're going, says Gaius. We're meeting Freud there.
Victor looks at his watch.
Ten more minutes and he'll be off duty.
Clash Of Cultures
Evidence! exclaims Gaius. That was my garden knife!
Yours! exclaims Victor. Why does he have it?
He doesn't have it, says Gaius. It's down there.
He and Victor stare into the mine shaft.
Kong Fu-Zi hops about, rubbing his ankle.
You don't need a knife for bird spotting, says Victor.
Let's hope you're right, says Gaius. May I ask why you followed us?
Several reasons, says Victor darkly. The blood, the lies, the stolen bicycle....and the disguise.
He indicates the Great Sage in his voluminous garment.
This is not a disguise, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's my usual clothing. As for the blood, it's also mine. A magpie swooped me.
Can you prove that? asks Victor. Show me your bird book.
There are no observations recorded in my bird book, admits Kong Fu-Zi.
Yet you claim to have been attacked by a magpie, says Victor.
I shall enter it immediately, says Kong Fu-Zi. Lend me a pencil. I should hate to fall foul of the police.
Victor is mollified. He hands Kong Fu-Zi a police pencil (silver, mechanical, sharp).
Kong Fu-Zi writes, in the back of his bird book:
Magpie.
You might also like to write Crested Honeyeater, says Victor.
Kong Fu-Zi is about to, when he remembers that he hasn't seen one. This might be entrapment.
Sit down, says Gaius. Let me see your ankle. You may not be able to ride.
Kong Fu-Zi shows Gaius his bruised ankle.
Gaius grasps the ankle and twists it. Kong Fu-Zi winces.
Embrocation, says Gaius. That's what's needed. Some type of dung. And a bandage. If only Arthur were here.
Gaius heads off to look for some dung.
You mentioned a stolen bicycle, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I did, says Victor. I have reason to suspect you are in possession of the Platonic Ideal, and that you lied about it to Jim at the bike shop.
Kong Fu-Zi has had enough. Swooped. Accused of crimes. Injured.
No real mountains to speak of.....
Yours! exclaims Victor. Why does he have it?
He doesn't have it, says Gaius. It's down there.
He and Victor stare into the mine shaft.
Kong Fu-Zi hops about, rubbing his ankle.
You don't need a knife for bird spotting, says Victor.
Let's hope you're right, says Gaius. May I ask why you followed us?
Several reasons, says Victor darkly. The blood, the lies, the stolen bicycle....and the disguise.
He indicates the Great Sage in his voluminous garment.
This is not a disguise, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's my usual clothing. As for the blood, it's also mine. A magpie swooped me.
Can you prove that? asks Victor. Show me your bird book.
There are no observations recorded in my bird book, admits Kong Fu-Zi.
Yet you claim to have been attacked by a magpie, says Victor.
I shall enter it immediately, says Kong Fu-Zi. Lend me a pencil. I should hate to fall foul of the police.
Victor is mollified. He hands Kong Fu-Zi a police pencil (silver, mechanical, sharp).
Kong Fu-Zi writes, in the back of his bird book:
Magpie.
You might also like to write Crested Honeyeater, says Victor.
Kong Fu-Zi is about to, when he remembers that he hasn't seen one. This might be entrapment.
Sit down, says Gaius. Let me see your ankle. You may not be able to ride.
Kong Fu-Zi shows Gaius his bruised ankle.
Gaius grasps the ankle and twists it. Kong Fu-Zi winces.
Embrocation, says Gaius. That's what's needed. Some type of dung. And a bandage. If only Arthur were here.
Gaius heads off to look for some dung.
You mentioned a stolen bicycle, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I did, says Victor. I have reason to suspect you are in possession of the Platonic Ideal, and that you lied about it to Jim at the bike shop.
Kong Fu-Zi has had enough. Swooped. Accused of crimes. Injured.
No real mountains to speak of.....
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Heaven Determines The Outcome
Jupiter Creek.
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi have dismounted and left their bicycles on a dirt heap near an old disused mine shaft.
Gaius stoops to sift through a pile of small stones.
A Crescent Honeyeater spots them, is transfixed for a moment, then darts away whistling. Prrip prrip.
No shrine then, says Kong Fu-Zi. Pity.
I am not religious in that sense, says Gaius. I have no time for shrines.
Nor have I, says Kong Fu-Zi. To understand Heaven is beyond our nature.
Whereas nature, says Gaius, is there to be studied.
Ah yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. Studied and also recorded.
He feels around for his bird book, in the pockets of his voluminous clothing.
Out drops the knife.
Ding!
Victor, who is lurking behind a tall xanthorrhoea, sees the falling knife glisten and flash.
He pulls out his notebook, and writes, under Floating Cloud. Chinese job:
2.15 pm Suspect ditches knife.
Gaius glances at Kong Fu-Zi's birdbook, to which he has hitherto not paid attention.
Shore Birds of Australia, says Gaius. That will not be too useful in Kuitpo.
It has room for notes in the back, says Kong Fu-Zi. I shall use it for any observations.
Observed anything yet? enquires Gaius.
Not yet, says Kong Fu-Zi.
One must keep ones eyes peeled, says Gaius. But of course, here one becomes distracted.
Ah yes, gold diggings! says Kong Fu-Zi. The ever-present possibility of discovering a nugget.
He peers down into the mine
Don't fall in, says Gaius. It's not safe there.
Kong Fu-Zi remains where he is. A gust of wind flutters his garment. He sways.
Victor, behind the xanthorrhoea, can't remain silent while his suspect falls into a mine.
Stop! cries Victor.
Victor! cries Gaius. You followed us.
Kong Fu-Zi is startled, and slips.
But Heaven, the nature of which is beyond us, won't let him fall into a mine shaft.
It will allow him to twist his ankle painfully, and in doing so, kick the knife, which falls into the mine shaft, and lands, possibly next to a nugget.
Damn, says Victor. That was evidence. But no way am I going down there.
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi have dismounted and left their bicycles on a dirt heap near an old disused mine shaft.
Gaius stoops to sift through a pile of small stones.
A Crescent Honeyeater spots them, is transfixed for a moment, then darts away whistling. Prrip prrip.
No shrine then, says Kong Fu-Zi. Pity.
I am not religious in that sense, says Gaius. I have no time for shrines.
Nor have I, says Kong Fu-Zi. To understand Heaven is beyond our nature.
Whereas nature, says Gaius, is there to be studied.
Ah yes, says Kong Fu-Zi. Studied and also recorded.
He feels around for his bird book, in the pockets of his voluminous clothing.
Out drops the knife.
Ding!
Victor, who is lurking behind a tall xanthorrhoea, sees the falling knife glisten and flash.
He pulls out his notebook, and writes, under Floating Cloud. Chinese job:
2.15 pm Suspect ditches knife.
Gaius glances at Kong Fu-Zi's birdbook, to which he has hitherto not paid attention.
Shore Birds of Australia, says Gaius. That will not be too useful in Kuitpo.
It has room for notes in the back, says Kong Fu-Zi. I shall use it for any observations.
Observed anything yet? enquires Gaius.
Not yet, says Kong Fu-Zi.
One must keep ones eyes peeled, says Gaius. But of course, here one becomes distracted.
Ah yes, gold diggings! says Kong Fu-Zi. The ever-present possibility of discovering a nugget.
He peers down into the mine
Don't fall in, says Gaius. It's not safe there.
Kong Fu-Zi remains where he is. A gust of wind flutters his garment. He sways.
Victor, behind the xanthorrhoea, can't remain silent while his suspect falls into a mine.
Stop! cries Victor.
Victor! cries Gaius. You followed us.
Kong Fu-Zi is startled, and slips.
But Heaven, the nature of which is beyond us, won't let him fall into a mine shaft.
It will allow him to twist his ankle painfully, and in doing so, kick the knife, which falls into the mine shaft, and lands, possibly next to a nugget.
Damn, says Victor. That was evidence. But no way am I going down there.
Experience Is the Bitterest
Victor gets out of the police car and enters the bike shop.
Hello Jim, says Victor.
Hello Victor, says Jim. How's the bike ?
Good, good, says Victor. Pristine in fact. Never seem to have time to ride it.
Shame, says Jim. What's up then?
That Chinese chap, says Victor. Did he buy a helmet?
He did, says Jim. A quick sale. He bought the cheapest Avanti.
The Razor Plus? says Victor. Same one as mine.
Nothing wrong with buying the cheapest, says Jim quickly.
Black and silver? says Victor.
Yeah, black and silver. Is anything wrong?
Did you think there was anything odd about his bicycle?
Well, says Jim. Now you mention it. It was a Floating Cloud. Chinese job.
Very interesting, says Victor.
He takes out his notebook and writes: Chinese job. Floating Cloud.
......
Police notebooks are full of such titbits.
......
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi have finished their lunch and left Aldgate.
They pass Mylor and Echunga in warm afternoon sunlight which flickers through trees.
Stop, says Kong Fu-Zi. I'm getting a headache.
It will be that cheap helmet, says Gaius.
Cheap? says Kong Fu-Zi. You mean I bought a cheap one?
Forty dollars, says Gaius. That's cheap. An average price would have been closer to a hundred. Of course you can pay more than that, but I never.......
Ptish! says Kong Fu-Zi. I wish you had told me. I always prefer to follow the Way of the Middle. Had I known, I would have spent more.
You could have asked, says Gaius.
I could, says Kong Fu-Zi. I assumed the bike shop man would not try to sell me a cheap one.
Yes, that was strange, says Gaius.
There are three ways to learn wisdom, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I know, says Gaius. Experience is the bitterest.
Kong Fu-Zi rubs his forehead. He pokes his fingers in next to his eyes. He rotates his fingers.
Ah. That's better.
Would you like an aspirin? says Gaius.
No thank you, says the Great Sage. Let us continue our journey.
They are now out of Echunga, coming up to the turnoff to Jupiter Creek.
Jupiter. One of your gods, observes Kong Fu-Zi. Would you like to stop off there? I presume there's a shrine.
Gaius is somewhat put out by the suggestion.
However, he always likes to stop off at the goldfields, when he's in the area.
They turn off the main road to Strathalbyn, onto Kavanagh Road.
Victor, in his police car, follows at a discreet distance.
Hello Jim, says Victor.
Hello Victor, says Jim. How's the bike ?
Good, good, says Victor. Pristine in fact. Never seem to have time to ride it.
Shame, says Jim. What's up then?
That Chinese chap, says Victor. Did he buy a helmet?
He did, says Jim. A quick sale. He bought the cheapest Avanti.
The Razor Plus? says Victor. Same one as mine.
Nothing wrong with buying the cheapest, says Jim quickly.
Black and silver? says Victor.
Yeah, black and silver. Is anything wrong?
Did you think there was anything odd about his bicycle?
Well, says Jim. Now you mention it. It was a Floating Cloud. Chinese job.
Very interesting, says Victor.
He takes out his notebook and writes: Chinese job. Floating Cloud.
......
Police notebooks are full of such titbits.
......
Gaius and Kong Fu-Zi have finished their lunch and left Aldgate.
They pass Mylor and Echunga in warm afternoon sunlight which flickers through trees.
Stop, says Kong Fu-Zi. I'm getting a headache.
It will be that cheap helmet, says Gaius.
Cheap? says Kong Fu-Zi. You mean I bought a cheap one?
Forty dollars, says Gaius. That's cheap. An average price would have been closer to a hundred. Of course you can pay more than that, but I never.......
Ptish! says Kong Fu-Zi. I wish you had told me. I always prefer to follow the Way of the Middle. Had I known, I would have spent more.
You could have asked, says Gaius.
I could, says Kong Fu-Zi. I assumed the bike shop man would not try to sell me a cheap one.
Yes, that was strange, says Gaius.
There are three ways to learn wisdom, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I know, says Gaius. Experience is the bitterest.
Kong Fu-Zi rubs his forehead. He pokes his fingers in next to his eyes. He rotates his fingers.
Ah. That's better.
Would you like an aspirin? says Gaius.
No thank you, says the Great Sage. Let us continue our journey.
They are now out of Echunga, coming up to the turnoff to Jupiter Creek.
Jupiter. One of your gods, observes Kong Fu-Zi. Would you like to stop off there? I presume there's a shrine.
Gaius is somewhat put out by the suggestion.
However, he always likes to stop off at the goldfields, when he's in the area.
They turn off the main road to Strathalbyn, onto Kavanagh Road.
Victor, in his police car, follows at a discreet distance.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Why Bother If You Don't Pay Attention?
Something is bothering the Great Sage.
Why did Gaius lie to the policeman?
Gaius is riding in front. He doesn't notice Kong Fu-Zi is bothered.
He is thinking instead: Is there a bike shop in Crafers?
Two questions, which need to be answered.
.......
Kong Fu-Zi catches up to Gaius with a valiant effort.
Good man, says Gaius. We'll soon be in Crafers. The only problem.....I don't think there's a bike shop. And you must have a helmet.
I'll put my hat on, says Kong Fu-Zi. I don't mind if it's bloody.
It's not like a helmet, says Gaius.
If it's not like a helmet, says Kong Fu-Zi, then you lied to the policeman.
I seem to remember you didn't contradict me, says Gaius.
........
They ride through Crafers. The trees are high in the sky.
It is midday. A Red Wattle-bird sings.
They pass various tiny and delicate orchids, hidden in grass.
Just as I thought, says Gaius. No bike shop. We'll have to continue to Aldgate. Keep your head down.
Kong Fu-Zi has been thinking.
The reason I didn't contradict you.....he begins.
It's all right, says Gaius. I understand. The words for hat and helmet are interchangeable in Chinese.
Kong Fu-Zi is puzzled. How does Gaius know this?
How do you know this? he asks.
I imagine it is the case, says Gaius.
Kong Fu-Zi now must decide whether to go along with the ridiculous assertion that mao zi ( a hat ) is the same as tou kui ( a helmet ).
......
Aldgate. There is a bike shop, and over the road is a cafe.
They stop off at the bike shop.
My friend here wants a helmet, says Gaius, approaching the counter.
What sort of bike do you have? asks the bike shop man, looking suspicious.
A Floating Cloud, says Kong Fu-Zi.
He has forgotten it's a Platonic Ideal, custom made by Sam at Treadly Bike Shop, Ebenezer Place
A Chinese one? says the bike shop man. Don't know it. How about an Avanti Razor Plus helmet, in black and silver, for $39.95.
He has made an assumption. ( That Kong Fu-Zi will want something cheap )
Kong Fu-Zi pays the money. He also has made an assumption. ( That the price quoted is middling )
Gaius says nothing. He is thinking of lunch.
They wheel their bicycles over the road to The Table.
The Table has an eclectic menu. What cafe doesn't?
They order Chilli and Basil Mussels for lunch.
As they sit eating their Chilli and Basil Mussels, they are both facing inwards, which can easily happen.
They do not see Victor's police car pull up over the road.
Why did Gaius lie to the policeman?
Gaius is riding in front. He doesn't notice Kong Fu-Zi is bothered.
He is thinking instead: Is there a bike shop in Crafers?
Two questions, which need to be answered.
.......
Kong Fu-Zi catches up to Gaius with a valiant effort.
Good man, says Gaius. We'll soon be in Crafers. The only problem.....I don't think there's a bike shop. And you must have a helmet.
I'll put my hat on, says Kong Fu-Zi. I don't mind if it's bloody.
It's not like a helmet, says Gaius.
If it's not like a helmet, says Kong Fu-Zi, then you lied to the policeman.
I seem to remember you didn't contradict me, says Gaius.
........
They ride through Crafers. The trees are high in the sky.
It is midday. A Red Wattle-bird sings.
They pass various tiny and delicate orchids, hidden in grass.
Just as I thought, says Gaius. No bike shop. We'll have to continue to Aldgate. Keep your head down.
Kong Fu-Zi has been thinking.
The reason I didn't contradict you.....he begins.
It's all right, says Gaius. I understand. The words for hat and helmet are interchangeable in Chinese.
Kong Fu-Zi is puzzled. How does Gaius know this?
How do you know this? he asks.
I imagine it is the case, says Gaius.
Kong Fu-Zi now must decide whether to go along with the ridiculous assertion that mao zi ( a hat ) is the same as tou kui ( a helmet ).
......
Aldgate. There is a bike shop, and over the road is a cafe.
They stop off at the bike shop.
My friend here wants a helmet, says Gaius, approaching the counter.
What sort of bike do you have? asks the bike shop man, looking suspicious.
A Floating Cloud, says Kong Fu-Zi.
He has forgotten it's a Platonic Ideal, custom made by Sam at Treadly Bike Shop, Ebenezer Place
A Chinese one? says the bike shop man. Don't know it. How about an Avanti Razor Plus helmet, in black and silver, for $39.95.
He has made an assumption. ( That Kong Fu-Zi will want something cheap )
Kong Fu-Zi pays the money. He also has made an assumption. ( That the price quoted is middling )
Gaius says nothing. He is thinking of lunch.
They wheel their bicycles over the road to The Table.
The Table has an eclectic menu. What cafe doesn't?
They order Chilli and Basil Mussels for lunch.
As they sit eating their Chilli and Basil Mussels, they are both facing inwards, which can easily happen.
They do not see Victor's police car pull up over the road.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Pot Shots
Gaius pedals onwards and upwards, listening to the sounds of birdlife and smelling the wattle.
Trill! Squee! Rustle! Snifff!
Aiee!
Shurrrrrr......
He stops pedaling.
Kong Fu-Zi has stopped some way behind him, and dismounted.
Gaius goes back.
What's the matter? says Gaius. You're bleeding!
What kind of bird is that?, asks Kong Fu-Zi, pointing at one which is hastily disappearing.
A magpie, says Gaius. Have you been swooped?
I don't know. Have I? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
I would say, yes you have, says Gaius. You are bleeding from the head and a magpie is hastily disappearing.
You know a lot about birds, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I do. But not so much about people, says Gaius.
I know a great deal about people, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Get back on your bicycle, says Gaius. We must make Crafers by lunch time.
Come on Floating Cloud, says Kong Fu-Zi, to his bicycle.
He grasps hold of the handlebars.
I notice you call it Floating Cloud now, says Gaius. Why is that?
I harbour guilty feelings, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Perhaps we should have made more of an effort to contact Schopenhauer, says Gaius. I'm certain he would have no objection to your keeping it a few days longer.
They ride on in silence.
Only the birdsong, and the sounds of the wattle. Pff..pff..pff....
(Wattle, otherwise known as acacia).
Achoo!
Kong Fu-Zi starts sneezing.
The blood, which has dried on his cheeks and his clothing, cracks like a vertical jigsaw.
A police car roars up behind them, passes, turns in and stops.
A policeman gets out of the police car.
Gaius! says the policeman.
Victor! says Gaius. Not in Wallaroo?
No, sighs Victor. A policeman's life is necessarily motile.
Motile, says Gaius. Like a sperm. Good word. But what is the trouble? Have I been speeding?
Ha ha! Speeding! laughs Victor. No it's your friend. He's not wearing a helmet.
He was, says Gaius. But those peskiferous magpies knocked it right off his head. Look he's bleeding.
Well, well, says Victor( unaware that Kong Fu-Zi wasn't wearing a helmet, but a soft pointed hat). Well well, I shall take some pot shots at those magpies.
Good luck, says Gaius.
Thank you, says Victor. I suggest you buy a new helmet in Crafers, he adds, frowning at Kong Fu-Zi.
Kong Fu-Zi bows slightly, saying nothing. He knows people.
Yes yes, says Gaius. May we go on our way now? We're heading for Kuitpo to do a spot of birdwatching.
Really? says Victor.
Because the information may turn out to be useful, he writes it down in his notebook.
Trill! Squee! Rustle! Snifff!
Aiee!
Shurrrrrr......
He stops pedaling.
Kong Fu-Zi has stopped some way behind him, and dismounted.
Gaius goes back.
What's the matter? says Gaius. You're bleeding!
What kind of bird is that?, asks Kong Fu-Zi, pointing at one which is hastily disappearing.
A magpie, says Gaius. Have you been swooped?
I don't know. Have I? asks Kong Fu-Zi.
I would say, yes you have, says Gaius. You are bleeding from the head and a magpie is hastily disappearing.
You know a lot about birds, says Kong Fu-Zi.
I do. But not so much about people, says Gaius.
I know a great deal about people, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Get back on your bicycle, says Gaius. We must make Crafers by lunch time.
Come on Floating Cloud, says Kong Fu-Zi, to his bicycle.
He grasps hold of the handlebars.
I notice you call it Floating Cloud now, says Gaius. Why is that?
I harbour guilty feelings, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Perhaps we should have made more of an effort to contact Schopenhauer, says Gaius. I'm certain he would have no objection to your keeping it a few days longer.
They ride on in silence.
Only the birdsong, and the sounds of the wattle. Pff..pff..pff....
(Wattle, otherwise known as acacia).
Achoo!
Kong Fu-Zi starts sneezing.
The blood, which has dried on his cheeks and his clothing, cracks like a vertical jigsaw.
A police car roars up behind them, passes, turns in and stops.
A policeman gets out of the police car.
Gaius! says the policeman.
Victor! says Gaius. Not in Wallaroo?
No, sighs Victor. A policeman's life is necessarily motile.
Motile, says Gaius. Like a sperm. Good word. But what is the trouble? Have I been speeding?
Ha ha! Speeding! laughs Victor. No it's your friend. He's not wearing a helmet.
He was, says Gaius. But those peskiferous magpies knocked it right off his head. Look he's bleeding.
Well, well, says Victor( unaware that Kong Fu-Zi wasn't wearing a helmet, but a soft pointed hat). Well well, I shall take some pot shots at those magpies.
Good luck, says Gaius.
Thank you, says Victor. I suggest you buy a new helmet in Crafers, he adds, frowning at Kong Fu-Zi.
Kong Fu-Zi bows slightly, saying nothing. He knows people.
Yes yes, says Gaius. May we go on our way now? We're heading for Kuitpo to do a spot of birdwatching.
Really? says Victor.
Because the information may turn out to be useful, he writes it down in his notebook.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Misidentification Of Birds
Gaius is packed and ready for Kuitpo.
He makes one last call to the office, in case Arthur is there.
Hello? says Gaius. Hello? Is that you Arthur?
It's me, says Belle et Bonne. Is that you, Gaius? Because if it is....
Is Arthur there? says Gaius.
No he isn't, says Belle, but there's a dead bird under the table. Do you know anything about it?
No, says Gaius. What kind of bird is it?
I don't know, an owl or something, says Belle. I don't like to touch it. Would you like to come in and identify it?
I would, says Gaius. But I've just remembered. It's Terence's birdie from Cleland. It died. Kong Fu-Zi kicked it under the table.
Who? says Belle. Who's Kong Fu-Zi? And......
(berrrrrrrrrr)
The call is cut off.
......
Ready? says Gaius.
Absolutely, says Kong Fu-Zi.
You don't seem to have packed anything, says Gaius. Rice? Water? Birdbook?
I thought you had those, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Not rice, says Gaius. And surely you'll want your own bird book?
What for? says Kong Fu-Zi. It's just extra weight.
They have spaces in the back for notes, explains Gaius. Mine will have my notes. Yours, if you had one, would have yours.
It's now too late to obtain one, says Kong Fu-Zi. Unless....... wait a minute!
He goes to the book case.
Aha! Shore Birds of Australia. A slim volume. With spaces for notes in the back.
He had picked it up at Ozasia, and kept it.
Got one, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Good, says Gaius. Let's go.
.....
They cycle up Greenhill Road.
Gaius in front, looking normal in shorts and a helmet.
Kong Fu-Zi behind, in pointed hat and billowing clothes.
The birds in the treetops look down from the treetops.
From there they spot humans on bikes.
There's one, says a magpie.
That's Gaius, says a magpie.
Oh yes, says a magpie. Let him go by.
(while magpies differentiate humans, they do not distinguish themselves, and each one is known as a magpie)
What about that one? says a magpie.
What one? says a magpie.
( ditto adjectival determiners)
See there where I'm pointing, says a magpie.
( of course they are able to point)
It must be a terrorist! says a magpie.
Thus Kong Fu-Zi is misidentified by magpies, due to his billowing clothes.
He makes one last call to the office, in case Arthur is there.
Hello? says Gaius. Hello? Is that you Arthur?
It's me, says Belle et Bonne. Is that you, Gaius? Because if it is....
Is Arthur there? says Gaius.
No he isn't, says Belle, but there's a dead bird under the table. Do you know anything about it?
No, says Gaius. What kind of bird is it?
I don't know, an owl or something, says Belle. I don't like to touch it. Would you like to come in and identify it?
I would, says Gaius. But I've just remembered. It's Terence's birdie from Cleland. It died. Kong Fu-Zi kicked it under the table.
Who? says Belle. Who's Kong Fu-Zi? And......
(berrrrrrrrrr)
The call is cut off.
......
Ready? says Gaius.
Absolutely, says Kong Fu-Zi.
You don't seem to have packed anything, says Gaius. Rice? Water? Birdbook?
I thought you had those, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Not rice, says Gaius. And surely you'll want your own bird book?
What for? says Kong Fu-Zi. It's just extra weight.
They have spaces in the back for notes, explains Gaius. Mine will have my notes. Yours, if you had one, would have yours.
It's now too late to obtain one, says Kong Fu-Zi. Unless....... wait a minute!
He goes to the book case.
Aha! Shore Birds of Australia. A slim volume. With spaces for notes in the back.
He had picked it up at Ozasia, and kept it.
Got one, says Kong Fu-Zi.
Good, says Gaius. Let's go.
.....
They cycle up Greenhill Road.
Gaius in front, looking normal in shorts and a helmet.
Kong Fu-Zi behind, in pointed hat and billowing clothes.
The birds in the treetops look down from the treetops.
From there they spot humans on bikes.
There's one, says a magpie.
That's Gaius, says a magpie.
Oh yes, says a magpie. Let him go by.
(while magpies differentiate humans, they do not distinguish themselves, and each one is known as a magpie)
What about that one? says a magpie.
What one? says a magpie.
( ditto adjectival determiners)
See there where I'm pointing, says a magpie.
( of course they are able to point)
It must be a terrorist! says a magpie.
Thus Kong Fu-Zi is misidentified by magpies, due to his billowing clothes.
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