Now With A Famous Uncle

Did you all hear that? says Gaius. The spider has spoken a sentence!

In a Scottish accent, says Proust.

Albertine laughs.

Irish! says Daniel O'Connell the spider. 'Twas meant to be Irish.

Can you say CHEESE? asks Gaius.

JEEZ! says Daniel O'Connell. Why would you want to hear that?

Verification, says Gaius. I now have a pencil.

But no paper, says Arthur.

So, says Albertine, to Daniel O'Connell. You know one thing about Daniel O'Connell.

Three things, girlie, says Daniel O'Connell. One, my name. Two, I am Irish. Three, I have a nickname, although I have just this minute forgotten it.

Your'e so cute, says Albertine. I love your accent.

And will you be telling me my nickname again? asks Daniel O'Connell.

Liberator, says Albertine. And you had a famous uncle whose name was Muiris a' Chaipín, which means Hunting Cap. He was a farmer, a money lender and a smuggler.

Daniel O'Connell, 'Liberator', now with a famous uncle, looks proud.

As it is only two kilometres to the field centre, it doesn't take long to get there.

In fact, here we are. It is two o'clock in the morning, and the field centre is quiet.

Its white walls glimmer behind leafy shadows.

A light appears in a window. A face. The face disappears. A door opens and Cristian emerges in his pyjamas.

What's going on here? asks Cristian.

Now is the time for Gaius to come up with a concocted story.

Cristian! says Gaius. Would you believe it? The spider .......

He stops. Should he say that the spider escaped? Where would that lead? How would the key fit in...?

Escaped? says Cristian. Happens all the time. Come inside. Goodness me. What has happened to Arthur? His legs are covered in blood and tiny crustaceans.

Yes, says Gaius. You see, what happened was....

It is obvious what happened, says Cristian. And I suppose the key was lost in the process. Never mind. I blame myself. Should have asked for it earlier. Doesn't matter. I have a duplicate.

Well! Gaius has no need to concoct a story. Truth will out on its own.

Now that is cleared up satisfactorily, says Gaius, I must tell you that I ...we... have made a remarkable discovery, concerning the spider.

It talks, laughs Cristian..... ha ha... don't mind me... just my odd sense of humour....what have you discovered?

'Tis meself that has discovered it, says Daniel O'Connell. I am the nephew of Hunting Cap, the farmer, moneylender and smuggler.

But Cristian will only hear it from a fellow scientist. He disregards Daniel O'Connell. What would a spider know? And his accent is foreign and funny.

Now Gaius is in a difficult situation.

Cristian has preempted his discovery, turned it into a joke, and refused to listen to the spider. Gaius himself has not yet had a chance to make notes, having no paper.

All that remains is the less interesting discovery.

The spider remains sentient, says Gaius.