We'll go, says Belle. I don't think Arthur is coming.
Strange, says Gaius. Arthur is always reliable. I hope nothing's happened.
Don't worry, he leads a a charmed life, says Belle.
Do I lead a charmed life? asks Terence.
Do I? asks Baldy. What's a charmed life?
It means that you never pay for anything, says Splosh. And you always fall on your feet.
Gaius wonders how these things could possibly apply to Arthur. Arthur, who pays for nearly everything, and whose knees are so often bleeding.
But it seems that the team for today's excursion will not include Arthur.
They head for the Gare de Lyon.
......
Belle buys the tickets.
It's four hours to Clermont-Ferrand, says Belle. Then two hours twenty minutes to Le Puy-en-Velay.
That's where I live, says Baldy.
That's why we're going, says Belle. To drop you off to your mother, and say sorry.
And say goodbye, says Terence.
Good, says Baldy. I want to say goodbye. Goodbye and sorry.
Why will you be sorry? asks Terence.
I won't be, says Baldy.
Come on, says Splosh.
......
It's a long journey to Clermont-Ferrand.
Terence and Baldy play Cannot But Be, until they run out of Bs.
Then they still keep on playing.
Terence: What if?
Baldy: Cannot.
Terence: But what if?
Baldy: Cannot.
Belle: How about playing I Spy?
Excellent suggestion, says Gaius. I'll start. I spy with my little eye something beginning with O.
I know, says Splosh.
Okay, she knows. She painted Baldy to look like an oystercatcher, but does that count as a thing that Gaius can spy, when really, it's Baldy?
The debate lasts all the way to Clermont-Ferrand, where Gaius finally accepts that he should be disqualified.
Monday, July 31, 2017
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Beware The Rising
How to describe Terence?
A cement infant cherub, covered all over in wild style lettering, except for the cutlass shorts which he got in Barbados.
Blood appears to drip from the cutlasses.
But it is only red paint.
The wild style lettering is hard to read, which is the point of it.
Gaius can't work it out.
Belle either.
See me? says Terence.
Yes, says Belle. What do the words say?
BUMHOLE, says Terence.
Oh my stars, says Belle. Do they really? Splosh How could you?
Splosh laughs, and sucks up the dregs of her frappé.
It doesn't say BUMHOLE, says Splosh. It says BEWARE!
BEWARE BUMHOLES! says Terence.
He is overexcited.
He runs a ring around Baldy.
How to describe Baldy?
A metal infant cherub, no longer orange, except for his pointing finger. On his head, elaborate curls, in bright colours. His body is covered in black and white dabs, which look like bird feathers. Across his tummy, in wildstyle lettering: THE RISING!
Who looks best? asks Terence.
Good question, says Gaius. I have a better one.
What? asks Terence.
It's not for you, says Gaius. It's for Splosh.
Fire away, says Splosh.
Would you consider joining my research team? says Gaius.
Done, says Splosh. These guys are proof of my commitment.
Crikey, Splosh, says Belle. You can't just use Terence and Baldy to prove your commitment. Anyway, what commitment?
Saving the oystercatchers from rising sea levels, says Splosh.
Bravo, says Gaius. I knew you'd come on board. I remember your wonderful work on the sepia apama, at Stony Point, when they appeared to be endangered.
That's all very well, says Belle, but what do we do about Baldy?
I'm coming, says Baldy. Where are we going?
Straight back to Le Puy-en-Velay, says Belle. You're going back to your mother.
Mama! cries Baldy.
He had forgotten her, but now he remembers.
Everything.
Including the pact with the clowns. Will she have killed them?
He can't go back with THE RISING all over his tummy, says Belle.
You couldn't read it, says Splosh.
True, says Belle. And I suppose it does look quite pretty.
And he looks nicer with curls, says Splosh. Don't you reckon?
What about me? asks Terence. Do I look nicer?
A passing family stops, and attempts to read him.
BEETLE? says dad.
BUMHOLE? says mum.
It says BEWARE, mum, says the youngest.
A cement infant cherub, covered all over in wild style lettering, except for the cutlass shorts which he got in Barbados.
Blood appears to drip from the cutlasses.
But it is only red paint.
The wild style lettering is hard to read, which is the point of it.
Gaius can't work it out.
Belle either.
See me? says Terence.
Yes, says Belle. What do the words say?
BUMHOLE, says Terence.
Oh my stars, says Belle. Do they really? Splosh How could you?
Splosh laughs, and sucks up the dregs of her frappé.
It doesn't say BUMHOLE, says Splosh. It says BEWARE!
BEWARE BUMHOLES! says Terence.
He is overexcited.
He runs a ring around Baldy.
How to describe Baldy?
A metal infant cherub, no longer orange, except for his pointing finger. On his head, elaborate curls, in bright colours. His body is covered in black and white dabs, which look like bird feathers. Across his tummy, in wildstyle lettering: THE RISING!
Who looks best? asks Terence.
Good question, says Gaius. I have a better one.
What? asks Terence.
It's not for you, says Gaius. It's for Splosh.
Fire away, says Splosh.
Would you consider joining my research team? says Gaius.
Done, says Splosh. These guys are proof of my commitment.
Crikey, Splosh, says Belle. You can't just use Terence and Baldy to prove your commitment. Anyway, what commitment?
Saving the oystercatchers from rising sea levels, says Splosh.
Bravo, says Gaius. I knew you'd come on board. I remember your wonderful work on the sepia apama, at Stony Point, when they appeared to be endangered.
That's all very well, says Belle, but what do we do about Baldy?
I'm coming, says Baldy. Where are we going?
Straight back to Le Puy-en-Velay, says Belle. You're going back to your mother.
Mama! cries Baldy.
He had forgotten her, but now he remembers.
Everything.
Including the pact with the clowns. Will she have killed them?
He can't go back with THE RISING all over his tummy, says Belle.
You couldn't read it, says Splosh.
True, says Belle. And I suppose it does look quite pretty.
And he looks nicer with curls, says Splosh. Don't you reckon?
What about me? asks Terence. Do I look nicer?
A passing family stops, and attempts to read him.
BEETLE? says dad.
BUMHOLE? says mum.
It says BEWARE, mum, says the youngest.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Sartre's Cheese
Sweezus feels better, after the prune.
And the soft cheese is getting softer.
To a topologist, says Sartre, a sphere and a cube are identical.
Sweezus waits for the explanation.
Zero holes, says Sartre.
This is so basic that Sweezus does actually get it.
Like a cheese and a prune, says Sweezus.
You have it, says Sartre. Now consider the donut. To what is it identical?
Something else with only one hole through the middle, says Sweezus.
Think what that is, says Sartre, selecting a prune.
He taps his front teeth theatrically.
Sweezus is distracted by Sartre's thick lips. Does he kiss Simone with them?
Far out! Yuck! Grossness!
Concentrate, Sweezus.
Sartre has opened the top end of his hole.
Yeah okay, gotcha, says Sweezus. But where is this going? That's just topology. What's your take on it?
Sartre doodles on his notepad.
First and foremost, says Sartre, I am a philosopher, not a mathematician. I take this from topology: that it is concerned with transformation through stretching, crumpling and bending, but not tearing.
Sweezus looks sideways at the doodle. It's not what he expected.
He expected a donut.
Not a woman's face, under a large bamboo hat.
It's Beaver, says Sartre. I mean, dear Simone. I call her Beaver, but it's not what you're thinking.
Yeah, but .... you said you'd write notes, says Sweezus.
You're thinking, says Sartre, that it is a crude sort of endearment, but it isn't. Beaver doesn't mean a fine crop of female pubic hair, as it does in America.
Right, says Sweezus. Transformation. So I guess that's about existential contingency.
Our cheese is ready to be eaten, says Sartre. Soft and runny, with a pungent aroma, what would you say... the scent of the barnyard?
Sweezus sniffs Sartre's cheese.
Woaaa!
He is certainly earning his money.
........
Meanwhile, Arthur is still off with the waiter.
Gaius and Belle are now looking for Splosh, Baldy and Terence.
They see the red paint spots.
That's Splosh's paint, says Belle. I just know it. Isn't she naughty!
Subversive, says Gaius. There is a place for such things.
You're very chilled, says Belle. What if she's done a blockbuster on Terence?
Terence will be delighted with himself, says Gaius.
But what about Sweezus? says Belle. He won't be delighted.
He need not know, says Gaius.
True, says Belle. They keep walking, following the paint spots.
At last, sitting at a table outside a café, they see Splosh, sipping a frappé.
Splosh! cries Belle. Where are Terence and Baldy?
Here, says Splosh. Under the table, playing Cannot But Be. Come on out guys!
Terence comes out. He is covered all over in bubble style lettering.
Baldy looks similar.
And the soft cheese is getting softer.
To a topologist, says Sartre, a sphere and a cube are identical.
Sweezus waits for the explanation.
Zero holes, says Sartre.
This is so basic that Sweezus does actually get it.
Like a cheese and a prune, says Sweezus.
You have it, says Sartre. Now consider the donut. To what is it identical?
Something else with only one hole through the middle, says Sweezus.
Think what that is, says Sartre, selecting a prune.
He taps his front teeth theatrically.
Sweezus is distracted by Sartre's thick lips. Does he kiss Simone with them?
Far out! Yuck! Grossness!
Concentrate, Sweezus.
Sartre has opened the top end of his hole.
Yeah okay, gotcha, says Sweezus. But where is this going? That's just topology. What's your take on it?
Sartre doodles on his notepad.
First and foremost, says Sartre, I am a philosopher, not a mathematician. I take this from topology: that it is concerned with transformation through stretching, crumpling and bending, but not tearing.
Sweezus looks sideways at the doodle. It's not what he expected.
He expected a donut.
Not a woman's face, under a large bamboo hat.
It's Beaver, says Sartre. I mean, dear Simone. I call her Beaver, but it's not what you're thinking.
Yeah, but .... you said you'd write notes, says Sweezus.
You're thinking, says Sartre, that it is a crude sort of endearment, but it isn't. Beaver doesn't mean a fine crop of female pubic hair, as it does in America.
Right, says Sweezus. Transformation. So I guess that's about existential contingency.
Our cheese is ready to be eaten, says Sartre. Soft and runny, with a pungent aroma, what would you say... the scent of the barnyard?
Sweezus sniffs Sartre's cheese.
Woaaa!
He is certainly earning his money.
........
Meanwhile, Arthur is still off with the waiter.
Gaius and Belle are now looking for Splosh, Baldy and Terence.
They see the red paint spots.
That's Splosh's paint, says Belle. I just know it. Isn't she naughty!
Subversive, says Gaius. There is a place for such things.
You're very chilled, says Belle. What if she's done a blockbuster on Terence?
Terence will be delighted with himself, says Gaius.
But what about Sweezus? says Belle. He won't be delighted.
He need not know, says Gaius.
True, says Belle. They keep walking, following the paint spots.
At last, sitting at a table outside a café, they see Splosh, sipping a frappé.
Splosh! cries Belle. Where are Terence and Baldy?
Here, says Splosh. Under the table, playing Cannot But Be. Come on out guys!
Terence comes out. He is covered all over in bubble style lettering.
Baldy looks similar.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Continuous Deformations
Sartre likes the idea of an article on his progressive ideas, being published in Velosophy.
He invites Sweezus to lunch.
We can chat informally, says Sartre. Simone will be there. But she won't cook us lunch.
We could pick up a box of donuts, says Sweezus.
I don't think so, says Sartre. There's bound to be cheese in the fridge.
They head off to Sartre's apartment.
Arthur has left the Café de Flore already.
Here he is on the pavement, looking for Baldy.
He sees a few drops of red paint.
Mind the paint, says a waiter. It's wet. It has only just dripped there.
Off what? asks Arthur.
Off an infant, says the waiter. A woman in a decorative jacket has just finished spraying the infant.
Which way did they go? asks Arthur.
That way, says the waiter. I'm going that way myself. My shift has just finished.
Has it? says Arthur.
Together they follow the paint.
Until it becomes clear that their inclinations are leading them elsewhere.
Sweezus and Sartre arrive at Sartre's apartment. Sartre knocks on the door.
Beaver likes me to knock, says Sartre.
Simone de Beauvoir opens the door.
My love, says Sartre, we have a guest. This is Sweezus. He's interviewing me for a prestigious magazine.
I remember him, says Simone. From Team Condor. How did you do this time?
We finished, says Sweezus. Didn't make the top ten. But we did okay.
Simone is wearing a charming bamboo hat this morning. Perhaps she has made it herself.
It has raffia roses stitched into it.
I was just going out, says Simone. But make yourselves comfortable. I'm sure there's some cheese in the fridge. Oh, and prunes, don't forget to eat all your prunes, Poulou.
She sweeps out, in her flowered bamboo hat.
Dear Beaver, says Sartre. She really does care for me.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Okay. Let's get started.
Do you have a notebook? asks Sartre.
Shit no, says Sweezus. I mean, no. I've got an excellent memory.
Sartre looks doubtful. Words can be twisted.
I'll take notes, says Sartre. And you can have a copy.
Cool, says Sweezus. Shall we eat first?
Sartre opens the fridge and takes a soft cheese out.
It's hard.
Better wait for a while, says Sartre.
What about the prunes? says Sweezus.
They are my prunes, says Sartre.
Fuck. This is not going well.
Topology, says Sweezus. What is it, and why are people like donuts?
It's a branch of mathematics, says Sartre, rolling a prune between his thumb and first finger.
I was good at maths, says Sweezus.
Then you will understand that topology is concerned with the properties of space which are preserved under continuous deformations, says Sartre, spitting his prune stone onto the clean kitchen floor.
Yeah, says Sweezus, looking at the brown smear that the prune stone has left there.
He would kill for a prune. Or better, a donut.
Deformations such as stretching or crumpling, says Sartre.
Or smearing, says Sweezus.
No, says Sartre. That involves disintegration. The object must must remain whole.
Like a donut, says Sweezus.
You have a mathematical mind, says Sartre. Like me. In fact, I see my young self in you. Would you care for a prune? I can spare one.
Yeah, thanks, says Sweezus. I'm freakin' starving.
Open, says Sartre.
Sweezus opens. Sartre inserts a prune.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Donut Science
In the Café de Flore, Arthur wakes up again.
Gaius is sitting beside him.
Good man, says Gaius. We'll leave in the morning.
Nice try, says Arthur. I'm not going anywhere.
You nodded assent, says Gaius. But if you deny it, so be it. I shall ask you again.
We'll be going, says Vello.
I hadn't asked you, says Gaius. But if you....
No, says Vello. I just meant, David and I should be going. Work to do. Interviews to tee up, and so on.
Yes, says David. Interviews to tee up, etcetera.
For your magazine? says Sartre. Don't tell me you're still churning that out.
It's more cutting edge these days, says David. For example, we wouldn't interview Jacobi. His views are outdated. And we probably wouldn't interview you either. Would we, Vello?
I very much doubt it, says Vello. Unless you've progressed in your thinking.
Sartre is stung.
Of course he's progressed in his thinking!
As a matter of fact, says Sartre, these days I'm delving into topology. A most interesting field. Did you know that, to a topologist, you are no different from a donut?
You don't say? says Vello. A donut. What about a pretzel?
Not a pretzel, says Sartre. I see you're unfamiliar with the science.
It sounds fascinating, says David. Perhaps Sweezus would like to interview you on the subject.
Would I get paid? asks Sweezus.
Of course, says Vello. If the article is up to scratch.
Done, says Sweezus. Coolio! I'm staying in Paris.
Me too, says Arthur.
Wait! says Gaius. You haven't heard my proposal.
What is it? asks Arthur.
I intend to form a research team with the aim of encouraging the Eurasian oyster catcher to build its nest on higher ground, to avoid rising sea levels, says Gaius.
How wonderful, says Belle. You really should help him, Arthur.
Arthur has just remembered that he promised to take Baldy home to Le Puy-en-Velay, so he can't join the research team.
He says so.
That won't be a problem, says Gaius. I shall accompany you to Le Puy-en-Velay. We can bone up on oyster catcher psychology, as we travel. We shall go on the train.
Arthur looks about for inspiration, and is rewarded.
Baldy has disappeared, along with Splosh and Terence.
Gaius is sitting beside him.
Good man, says Gaius. We'll leave in the morning.
Nice try, says Arthur. I'm not going anywhere.
You nodded assent, says Gaius. But if you deny it, so be it. I shall ask you again.
We'll be going, says Vello.
I hadn't asked you, says Gaius. But if you....
No, says Vello. I just meant, David and I should be going. Work to do. Interviews to tee up, and so on.
Yes, says David. Interviews to tee up, etcetera.
For your magazine? says Sartre. Don't tell me you're still churning that out.
It's more cutting edge these days, says David. For example, we wouldn't interview Jacobi. His views are outdated. And we probably wouldn't interview you either. Would we, Vello?
I very much doubt it, says Vello. Unless you've progressed in your thinking.
Sartre is stung.
Of course he's progressed in his thinking!
As a matter of fact, says Sartre, these days I'm delving into topology. A most interesting field. Did you know that, to a topologist, you are no different from a donut?
You don't say? says Vello. A donut. What about a pretzel?
Not a pretzel, says Sartre. I see you're unfamiliar with the science.
It sounds fascinating, says David. Perhaps Sweezus would like to interview you on the subject.
Would I get paid? asks Sweezus.
Of course, says Vello. If the article is up to scratch.
Done, says Sweezus. Coolio! I'm staying in Paris.
Me too, says Arthur.
Wait! says Gaius. You haven't heard my proposal.
What is it? asks Arthur.
I intend to form a research team with the aim of encouraging the Eurasian oyster catcher to build its nest on higher ground, to avoid rising sea levels, says Gaius.
How wonderful, says Belle. You really should help him, Arthur.
Arthur has just remembered that he promised to take Baldy home to Le Puy-en-Velay, so he can't join the research team.
He says so.
That won't be a problem, says Gaius. I shall accompany you to Le Puy-en-Velay. We can bone up on oyster catcher psychology, as we travel. We shall go on the train.
Arthur looks about for inspiration, and is rewarded.
Baldy has disappeared, along with Splosh and Terence.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Reinvention
Champagne? asks Vello.
Don't mind if I do, says Sartre.
Vello orders more champagne.
Sartre sits down next to Arthur.
Arthur opens his eyes.
Arthur! says Splosh. Long time no see!
Arthur closes his eyes again.
Human existence! says Sartre.
Are you still going on about that? asks Vello.
Not really, says Sartre. I was just making an observation. Here we all are. Some of us have met before. Some of us haven't.
True enough, says David.
I hadn't finished, says Sartre.
Continue, says David.
We have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves, in an indifferent world, says Sartre.
Yeah, says Sweezus. And some of us are stuck here.
Me, says Terence. I'm stuck here. I'm not allowed to do ANYTHING!
You've done lots of nice things, says Belle. You travelled with clowns. You learned to spin plates. You went to the MuCEM on your own. You had a play date with Stew and Dark Knight.
Now he wants a tat, says Sweezus. He's not getting one.
Not a TAT, says Splosh. He just wants a tag or a throw up.
Sartre is none too pleased that the conversation has strayed from the existential.
Existence is unproblematic in the world of things, says Sartre.
Not if the things are graffitied, says Splosh.
SEE! says Terence.
But the things don't care, says Sartre. All I'm saying is, groundlessness and radical freedom characterise the human condition.
Look at Terence, says Splosh.
Terence isn't sure what he's supposed to look like.
A thing that doesn't care, or a freedom fighter.
All he wants is a tag.
One last chance, says Splosh, glaring at Sweezus.
No tat, says Sweezus.
Arthur opens his eyes.
Back with us? says Jacobi. We're having an interesting discussion.
Whaaa..t? says Arthur. Where am I?
Café de Flore, says David. Sartre has joined us. And Belle, and Splosh.
.....the black void, the cracked mirror, meandering veins, mumbles Arthur.
Cool, says Splosh. Composing poetry in a drunken stupor. Not everyone can do that.
A violet eel, an over-ripe tomato, says Arthur, as his head hits the table.
Don't mind if I do, says Sartre.
Vello orders more champagne.
Sartre sits down next to Arthur.
Arthur opens his eyes.
Arthur! says Splosh. Long time no see!
Arthur closes his eyes again.
Human existence! says Sartre.
Are you still going on about that? asks Vello.
Not really, says Sartre. I was just making an observation. Here we all are. Some of us have met before. Some of us haven't.
True enough, says David.
I hadn't finished, says Sartre.
Continue, says David.
We have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves, in an indifferent world, says Sartre.
Yeah, says Sweezus. And some of us are stuck here.
Me, says Terence. I'm stuck here. I'm not allowed to do ANYTHING!
You've done lots of nice things, says Belle. You travelled with clowns. You learned to spin plates. You went to the MuCEM on your own. You had a play date with Stew and Dark Knight.
Now he wants a tat, says Sweezus. He's not getting one.
Not a TAT, says Splosh. He just wants a tag or a throw up.
Sartre is none too pleased that the conversation has strayed from the existential.
Existence is unproblematic in the world of things, says Sartre.
Not if the things are graffitied, says Splosh.
SEE! says Terence.
But the things don't care, says Sartre. All I'm saying is, groundlessness and radical freedom characterise the human condition.
Look at Terence, says Splosh.
Terence isn't sure what he's supposed to look like.
A thing that doesn't care, or a freedom fighter.
All he wants is a tag.
One last chance, says Splosh, glaring at Sweezus.
No tat, says Sweezus.
Arthur opens his eyes.
Back with us? says Jacobi. We're having an interesting discussion.
Whaaa..t? says Arthur. Where am I?
Café de Flore, says David. Sartre has joined us. And Belle, and Splosh.
.....the black void, the cracked mirror, meandering veins, mumbles Arthur.
Cool, says Splosh. Composing poetry in a drunken stupor. Not everyone can do that.
A violet eel, an over-ripe tomato, says Arthur, as his head hits the table.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Existential Blue
Team Philosophe and Team Condor are drinking champagne in the Café de Flore.
They are making up for Stage Twenty One, the day before yesterday, when Belle failed to provide it.
Un otra? says Vello.
Yurp, says David.
Wee, says Jacobi.
Arthur has fallen asleep with his head on the table.
By which we can tell that they have been drinking for Quite Some Time.
Sweezus staggers back from the toilet.
Guess who I saw in there, says Sweezus. Sartre.
Everyone sits up, except Arthur.
Sartre is coming over.
Is that Sartre? asks Jacobi.
Yes it's me, says Sartre. Hello chaps. Saw you all in the Final Stage last Sunday. Well done. Ah, memories! I remember us riding in the Tour de France together, back in the day.
So do I, says Vello. You were Team Existential. Simone was in it.
In a blue dress, says David, dreamily.
No, no, says Sartre.
Sweezus's phone rings. It's Belle.
Where are you? asks Belle.
Café de Flore, says Sweezus. Where are you?
Just round the corner, says Belle. I'll be there in a minute.
It was blue, says Vello.
It may have been, but she wasn't wearing it, says Sartre. She was thinking about it, for a party.
May I join in, asks Jacobi. If she was thinking about it, how did you know it was blue?
She said so, says Sartre.
But you didn't see it, says Jacobi.
Where are you going with this? asks Sartre. You sound like David.
Steady on! says David.
I am very happy to sound like David , says Jacobi.
Of course you are, says Sartre You wrote a whole book about him.
Did he? asks David. What was it called?
David Hume uber den Glauben, oder Idealismus, says Sartre.
He is good at remembering titles.
You sly dog! says David, poking Jacobi. How did you slant it?
He attempted to show that his concept of belief was no different from that of an advanced philosopher such as yourself, says Sartre.
Jacobi looks somewhat embarrassed, as one would in the circumstances.
David looks pleased.
Belle enters the Café de Flore with Splosh, Terence and Baldy. Baldy is sporting new curls in primary colours.
Terence heads straight for Sweezus.
Can I get ....?
No, says Sweezus.
They are making up for Stage Twenty One, the day before yesterday, when Belle failed to provide it.
Un otra? says Vello.
Yurp, says David.
Wee, says Jacobi.
Arthur has fallen asleep with his head on the table.
By which we can tell that they have been drinking for Quite Some Time.
Sweezus staggers back from the toilet.
Guess who I saw in there, says Sweezus. Sartre.
Everyone sits up, except Arthur.
Sartre is coming over.
Is that Sartre? asks Jacobi.
Yes it's me, says Sartre. Hello chaps. Saw you all in the Final Stage last Sunday. Well done. Ah, memories! I remember us riding in the Tour de France together, back in the day.
So do I, says Vello. You were Team Existential. Simone was in it.
In a blue dress, says David, dreamily.
No, no, says Sartre.
Sweezus's phone rings. It's Belle.
Where are you? asks Belle.
Café de Flore, says Sweezus. Where are you?
Just round the corner, says Belle. I'll be there in a minute.
It was blue, says Vello.
It may have been, but she wasn't wearing it, says Sartre. She was thinking about it, for a party.
May I join in, asks Jacobi. If she was thinking about it, how did you know it was blue?
She said so, says Sartre.
But you didn't see it, says Jacobi.
Where are you going with this? asks Sartre. You sound like David.
Steady on! says David.
I am very happy to sound like David , says Jacobi.
Of course you are, says Sartre You wrote a whole book about him.
Did he? asks David. What was it called?
David Hume uber den Glauben, oder Idealismus, says Sartre.
He is good at remembering titles.
You sly dog! says David, poking Jacobi. How did you slant it?
He attempted to show that his concept of belief was no different from that of an advanced philosopher such as yourself, says Sartre.
Jacobi looks somewhat embarrassed, as one would in the circumstances.
David looks pleased.
Belle enters the Café de Flore with Splosh, Terence and Baldy. Baldy is sporting new curls in primary colours.
Terence heads straight for Sweezus.
Can I get ....?
No, says Sweezus.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Graffiti Ambush
The parrot gang of cousins arrives at the harbour.
Hey! says Terence. Let's hide in there!
It looks like a fort, but it isn't. It's the MuCEM.
They sneak inside. No one stops them.
The MuCEM is the Museum of European and Mediterranean Civilisations.
There are several exhibitions running concurrently.
Terence heads for 'Graffiti In The Mediterranean'. The gang follows.
Everything looks like rubbish. Scribbled and painted. Posters, panels, stickers magazines, sketches, photos...
Superb! says a woman. She is wearing a painted jacket. There are spots of red paint on her boots.
Terence whispers something to Tiny.
They start walking backwards.
Where are you going? asks Baldy. We just got here.
Out, says Terence. You guys stay here.
Baldy, Stew and Dark Knight sit on the floor.
Copy! says Baldy. He wiggles his own pointing finger.
Stew tries to copy. But his fingers remain all fanned out.
I had a weapon, says Dark Knight. But I dropped it.
So what? says Baldy.
Schwack! I'd cut off three of his fingers with my weapon! says Dark Knight.
Four, says Baldy. And you couldn't, says Baldy. It was flat on the top and the bottom.
And the sides, says Stew. You couldn't cut anything with it.
Dark Knight always knew there was something wrong with his weapon.
Terence and Tiny come back.
Belle is behind them.
Crikey! says Belle. How many more are there?
I was wondering who they belonged to, says the woman in the jacket, and paint-spotted boots.
Violetta! says Belle. What are YOU doing here?
Belle! says Violetta. Just getting some pointers. And Splosh is my street name, remember?
Splosh! Of course, says Belle. How lovely! This is Terence.
My street name, says Terence.
Terence. An excellent street name, says Splosh. And the others?
Baldy, says Belle. He's with us. I don't know these two.
They look familiar, says Splosh. Yes, I know! This gold one's from the top of the Basilique. And this one's from inside. Mother holds a bouquet of flowers. He had a little silver cross he was waving.
Weapon, says Dark Knight.
Ha ha, laughs Stew. It wasn't a weapon!
Come on guys, says Belle. You're going back right now.
Stew and Dark Knight look doubtful.
Our mothers don't want us.
Splosh knows all about that.
How would you guys like a paint job? says Splosh. Then we'll see if they want you!
She opens her back pack and whips out her spray paints.
Street names?
Stew and Dark Knight.
She spays and squirts deftly. Serifs and force fields. A cracked fill. Gunfire and dripping topline. Irridescent flash points. Reminiscent of cuttlefish dances.
They look pretty awesome.
Off you go now, says Splosh.
Me next, says Terence.
No way, says Belle. You're coming to Paris. So is Baldy. Off you go, Dark Knight and Stew.
Dark Knight and Stew head out of the MuCEM with confidence.
Out into the street, where Grimaldi and Pickelherring are waiting
Hey! says Terence. Let's hide in there!
It looks like a fort, but it isn't. It's the MuCEM.
They sneak inside. No one stops them.
The MuCEM is the Museum of European and Mediterranean Civilisations.
There are several exhibitions running concurrently.
Terence heads for 'Graffiti In The Mediterranean'. The gang follows.
Everything looks like rubbish. Scribbled and painted. Posters, panels, stickers magazines, sketches, photos...
Superb! says a woman. She is wearing a painted jacket. There are spots of red paint on her boots.
Terence whispers something to Tiny.
They start walking backwards.
Where are you going? asks Baldy. We just got here.
Out, says Terence. You guys stay here.
Baldy, Stew and Dark Knight sit on the floor.
Copy! says Baldy. He wiggles his own pointing finger.
Stew tries to copy. But his fingers remain all fanned out.
I had a weapon, says Dark Knight. But I dropped it.
So what? says Baldy.
Schwack! I'd cut off three of his fingers with my weapon! says Dark Knight.
Four, says Baldy. And you couldn't, says Baldy. It was flat on the top and the bottom.
And the sides, says Stew. You couldn't cut anything with it.
Dark Knight always knew there was something wrong with his weapon.
Terence and Tiny come back.
Belle is behind them.
Crikey! says Belle. How many more are there?
I was wondering who they belonged to, says the woman in the jacket, and paint-spotted boots.
Violetta! says Belle. What are YOU doing here?
Belle! says Violetta. Just getting some pointers. And Splosh is my street name, remember?
Splosh! Of course, says Belle. How lovely! This is Terence.
My street name, says Terence.
Terence. An excellent street name, says Splosh. And the others?
Baldy, says Belle. He's with us. I don't know these two.
They look familiar, says Splosh. Yes, I know! This gold one's from the top of the Basilique. And this one's from inside. Mother holds a bouquet of flowers. He had a little silver cross he was waving.
Weapon, says Dark Knight.
Ha ha, laughs Stew. It wasn't a weapon!
Come on guys, says Belle. You're going back right now.
Stew and Dark Knight look doubtful.
Our mothers don't want us.
Splosh knows all about that.
How would you guys like a paint job? says Splosh. Then we'll see if they want you!
She opens her back pack and whips out her spray paints.
Street names?
Stew and Dark Knight.
She spays and squirts deftly. Serifs and force fields. A cracked fill. Gunfire and dripping topline. Irridescent flash points. Reminiscent of cuttlefish dances.
They look pretty awesome.
Off you go now, says Splosh.
Me next, says Terence.
No way, says Belle. You're coming to Paris. So is Baldy. Off you go, Dark Knight and Stew.
Dark Knight and Stew head out of the MuCEM with confidence.
Out into the street, where Grimaldi and Pickelherring are waiting
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Stage Twenty One: Montgeron to Paris - No Decease
We already know what is going to happen.
The teams will ride out of Montgeron.
The mood will be playful.
At a certain point the team cars will hand drinks to the riders.
Champagne, or beer in bottles.
The riders will toast themselves while having their photographs taken.
But something is wrong.
Team Philosophe and Team Condor are drinkless.
What has happened? Belle is usually organised, regarding these things.
.....
Belle has stayed behind in Marseille.
She is looking for Terence and Baldy.
So are the clowns.
The clowns are not feeling too well at the moment.
......
Tiny has been chosen to climb to the top of the Basilique Notre Dame de la Garde, and ask for Stupid.
He has snaked his way up and is addressing the Virgin.
Pardon, madam, says Tiny.
Granted, says the Virgin. You shall not decease.
Thank you, says Tiny. Can I ask a favour?
Go ahead, says the Virgin. What is it?
Can Stu..... your baby come down and.... play with his cousins?
Which cousins are these? asks the Virgin. He has many cousins.
Terence and Baldy, says Tiny. Terence is very responsible. And Baldy can point.
Baldy! says the Virgin. Point, can he? Stew, dear, would you like to go down and have a play date with your cousins?
Yay! says Stew.
Say hello to Maria inside, says the Virgin.
Poo! says Stew. No way he is going inside.
It's a long way down from the arms of his mother. Her height is 11.2 metres. The Basilica itself stands on a 149 metre limestone outcrop. So you do the maths.
Eventually though, Stew and Tiny make it to ground level.
Hello Stupid, says Baldy.
Call him Stew, says Tiny. It's his street name.
I want a street name, says Terence.
Terence is your street name, says Tiny. Start the lesson.
Baldy's doing it, says Terence. Go on, Baldy.
Baldy points upwards. See this?
Yes, says Stew. That's my mother. She's looking. Can we pretend to go in?
No, says Baldy. COPY!
Why? asks Terence.
Mother wants me to say hello to Auntie Maria inside, says Stew. But I don't want to.
Point! says Baldy.
I know, says Stew. It's a good point.
Shut up! says Terence. We're going inside.
They go inside, and at once see a virgin, looking awkward.
In her left hand she holds a bouquet of enamelled flowers, in the crook of her right arm, a baby holding a weapon.
Yippee! says Terence. Hello Dark Knight!
The baby stares down at Terence.
No one has ever called him Dark Knight before.
He looks at his mother.
She waves the bouquet at Terence. Shoo, shoo!
The Dark Knight drops his weapon.
Clang!
She is obliged to put him down, so she can pick up the weapon. Damn this bouquet!
Come on! cries Terence.
Terence, Baldy, Tiny, Stew and the Dark Knight run out into the daylight.
RUN! says Stew. Before mum sees us!
Two clowns loom up from a narrow alley close to the Basilique.
They have spotted the parrot gang.
The golden Virgin has spotted them too.
She dithers. Should she send down a dove, or something?
Now she sees a young woman on a motor bike, way down below her.
The young woman stops. Remonstrates with the clowns. The clowns are hopping.
The parrot gang escapes towards the harbour.
The Virgin relaxes.
It will be nice without Stew, for a time.
.....
Which explains why Team Philosophe and Team Condor are not drinking champagne on the final day of the Tour de France, and are feeling dudded.
But who is not feeling dudded?
Dylan Groenewagen perhaps, who wins the final sprint on the Champs Elysées.
Michael Matthews, who wears the Green Jersey.
One or two others.
Chris Froome is gracious. He accepts that there has been some booing. He calls it noise. In an interview he remarks that he has least five more Tour de France rides in him.
Oh. We can look forward to that, then......
The teams will ride out of Montgeron.
The mood will be playful.
At a certain point the team cars will hand drinks to the riders.
Champagne, or beer in bottles.
The riders will toast themselves while having their photographs taken.
But something is wrong.
Team Philosophe and Team Condor are drinkless.
What has happened? Belle is usually organised, regarding these things.
.....
Belle has stayed behind in Marseille.
She is looking for Terence and Baldy.
So are the clowns.
The clowns are not feeling too well at the moment.
......
Tiny has been chosen to climb to the top of the Basilique Notre Dame de la Garde, and ask for Stupid.
He has snaked his way up and is addressing the Virgin.
Pardon, madam, says Tiny.
Granted, says the Virgin. You shall not decease.
Thank you, says Tiny. Can I ask a favour?
Go ahead, says the Virgin. What is it?
Can Stu..... your baby come down and.... play with his cousins?
Which cousins are these? asks the Virgin. He has many cousins.
Terence and Baldy, says Tiny. Terence is very responsible. And Baldy can point.
Baldy! says the Virgin. Point, can he? Stew, dear, would you like to go down and have a play date with your cousins?
Yay! says Stew.
Say hello to Maria inside, says the Virgin.
Poo! says Stew. No way he is going inside.
It's a long way down from the arms of his mother. Her height is 11.2 metres. The Basilica itself stands on a 149 metre limestone outcrop. So you do the maths.
Eventually though, Stew and Tiny make it to ground level.
Hello Stupid, says Baldy.
Call him Stew, says Tiny. It's his street name.
I want a street name, says Terence.
Terence is your street name, says Tiny. Start the lesson.
Baldy's doing it, says Terence. Go on, Baldy.
Baldy points upwards. See this?
Yes, says Stew. That's my mother. She's looking. Can we pretend to go in?
No, says Baldy. COPY!
Why? asks Terence.
Mother wants me to say hello to Auntie Maria inside, says Stew. But I don't want to.
Point! says Baldy.
I know, says Stew. It's a good point.
Shut up! says Terence. We're going inside.
They go inside, and at once see a virgin, looking awkward.
In her left hand she holds a bouquet of enamelled flowers, in the crook of her right arm, a baby holding a weapon.
Yippee! says Terence. Hello Dark Knight!
The baby stares down at Terence.
No one has ever called him Dark Knight before.
He looks at his mother.
She waves the bouquet at Terence. Shoo, shoo!
The Dark Knight drops his weapon.
Clang!
She is obliged to put him down, so she can pick up the weapon. Damn this bouquet!
Come on! cries Terence.
Terence, Baldy, Tiny, Stew and the Dark Knight run out into the daylight.
RUN! says Stew. Before mum sees us!
Two clowns loom up from a narrow alley close to the Basilique.
They have spotted the parrot gang.
The golden Virgin has spotted them too.
She dithers. Should she send down a dove, or something?
Now she sees a young woman on a motor bike, way down below her.
The young woman stops. Remonstrates with the clowns. The clowns are hopping.
The parrot gang escapes towards the harbour.
The Virgin relaxes.
It will be nice without Stew, for a time.
.....
Which explains why Team Philosophe and Team Condor are not drinking champagne on the final day of the Tour de France, and are feeling dudded.
But who is not feeling dudded?
Dylan Groenewagen perhaps, who wins the final sprint on the Champs Elysées.
Michael Matthews, who wears the Green Jersey.
One or two others.
Chris Froome is gracious. He accepts that there has been some booing. He calls it noise. In an interview he remarks that he has least five more Tour de France rides in him.
Oh. We can look forward to that, then......
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Stage Twenty: Marseille Time Trials - Progress
The time trials.
Unless Froome has a mishap, there will be nothing to see.
Luckily, other things are happening.
Baldy is cracking a fruity.
Wah! says Baldy.
What? says Terence. Did you see the clowns?
Noo! cries Baldy, pointing upwards.
But Baldy is always pointing upwards.
Tiny Sacrifice happens also to be looking upwards.
He sees a golden statue on top of a Basilica. The golden statue clasps a golden baby.
Does that make you cry? asks Tiny.
Yes! snivels Baldy. She's got a new one.
Who? asks Terence, looking upwards at last.
Mama! splutters Baldy.
You're an idiot, says Terence. This is a new town. That can't be your Virgin. AND, your Virgin is orange.
Like you, he adds helpfully.
Yes, say Tiny. That's a golden Virgin, up there. And you're orange.
Baldy looks at himself.
He has not done this before. Yes, he is orange.
Terence is grey.
Except for the winged hand and the claw on one finger.
Baldy is learning.
He looks up again at the golden baby.
It's a rubbish baby. It waves indiscriminately.
I have to go, says Tiny. It's nearly time for Third Sister's time trial.
Come on! says Terence.
No, says Baldy. I'm going on a mission.
You can't, says Terence. What is it?
To teach that stupid baby to point properly, says Baldy. It must be my cousin.
(Hearing which, we cannot but be surprised by his linguistic progress).
Okay, says Terence. We'll watch Third Sister. Then go.
They head to the stadium. They get there just in time to see Maciej Bodnar finish strongly.
Go Maciej Bodnar! That's the best time so far!
Third Sister is next. But no one is cheering. Perhaps they can't see her.
A pity, because she beats Bodnar's time by three seconds.
Did you see that? says Tiny. My sister's a champion.
Yes, says Terence. She can be in my parrot gang if she wants to.
Parrot gang, says Tiny. I thought I was your parrot.
She can be in MY parrot gang, says Baldy.
You haven't got one, says Terence.
Baldy thinks otherwise.
Come on, says Terence. Let's go and teach Stupid to point.
This is how parrot gangs form, with ambivalent intentions.
They head back to the Baslique Notre Dame de la Garde.
It won't end well. Let's leave them to it.
We want to know how Froomey will do.
Froomey comes third, cementing his GC position.
Unless Froome has a mishap, there will be nothing to see.
Luckily, other things are happening.
Baldy is cracking a fruity.
Wah! says Baldy.
What? says Terence. Did you see the clowns?
Noo! cries Baldy, pointing upwards.
But Baldy is always pointing upwards.
Tiny Sacrifice happens also to be looking upwards.
He sees a golden statue on top of a Basilica. The golden statue clasps a golden baby.
Does that make you cry? asks Tiny.
Yes! snivels Baldy. She's got a new one.
Who? asks Terence, looking upwards at last.
Mama! splutters Baldy.
You're an idiot, says Terence. This is a new town. That can't be your Virgin. AND, your Virgin is orange.
Like you, he adds helpfully.
Yes, say Tiny. That's a golden Virgin, up there. And you're orange.
Baldy looks at himself.
He has not done this before. Yes, he is orange.
Terence is grey.
Except for the winged hand and the claw on one finger.
Baldy is learning.
He looks up again at the golden baby.
It's a rubbish baby. It waves indiscriminately.
I have to go, says Tiny. It's nearly time for Third Sister's time trial.
Come on! says Terence.
No, says Baldy. I'm going on a mission.
You can't, says Terence. What is it?
To teach that stupid baby to point properly, says Baldy. It must be my cousin.
(Hearing which, we cannot but be surprised by his linguistic progress).
Okay, says Terence. We'll watch Third Sister. Then go.
They head to the stadium. They get there just in time to see Maciej Bodnar finish strongly.
Go Maciej Bodnar! That's the best time so far!
Third Sister is next. But no one is cheering. Perhaps they can't see her.
A pity, because she beats Bodnar's time by three seconds.
Did you see that? says Tiny. My sister's a champion.
Yes, says Terence. She can be in my parrot gang if she wants to.
Parrot gang, says Tiny. I thought I was your parrot.
She can be in MY parrot gang, says Baldy.
You haven't got one, says Terence.
Baldy thinks otherwise.
Come on, says Terence. Let's go and teach Stupid to point.
This is how parrot gangs form, with ambivalent intentions.
They head back to the Baslique Notre Dame de la Garde.
It won't end well. Let's leave them to it.
We want to know how Froomey will do.
Froomey comes third, cementing his GC position.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Stage Nineteen: Embrun to Salon-de-Provence - Quicksilver
The teams ride out of Embrun.
Crowds cheering, flags waving, horns tooting.
A bridge, a flat grey road to follow.
And dark thoughts to contend with.
Arthur: What's up now?
Sweezus: I'll NEVER get King of the Mountain.
Arthur: Go for something else.
Sweezus: A stage win. Yeah right.
Arthur: No, I've still got that Vantablack paint I'm minding for Ageless.
Sweezus: Minding?
Arthur: Okay, He doesn't know I've got it.
Sweezus: That would be great if it worked. But it does jackshit for Team Claw.
Arthur: They might be using it wrong. What would Ageless know about tactics?
Sweezus: What d'you reckon?
Arthur: If we splattered the bikes of Team Sky.
Sweezus: That would freak them out. Yeah.
Arthur: We just have to catch them.
Sweezus: Good try, buddy.
Arthur: Maybe tomorrow.
Sweezus: Yeah, at the time trials. Fat chance.
Arthur: Or the next day. In Paris.
Sweezus: Too friggin' late then.
Arthur: But we'll be in Paris.
Sweezus: True. Cool. Macarons!
Sweezus speeds up a little.
Macarons are his favourite.
Not everyone has team mates as supportive as Arthur.
Team Claw is struggling. It has been a long way.
The Vantablack paint isn't working.
Third Sister seems to be riding for herself.
Ouvert is using both mouths, contra instructions.
Here is just an example:
Ouvert: Woop-woop! Coming through! Coming through!
Baby Pierre: Stop saying everything twice.
Ouvert: Okay. Okay.
Baby Pierre: Where's Third Sister? I want her to lead me out in a minute.
Ouvert: Stopped for a nature break. Stopped....
Baby Pierre: Shut up! I heard you.
Ouvert: ...for a pipi!
.......
Vello, David and Jacobi are not doing too badly.
They ride doggedly on.
Ever been to Salon-de-Provence? asks David.
Can't say I have, says Jacobi.
Nice sausages, says Vello. Tolerable paella. Excellent mushrooms.
Speaking of which, says David.
Oh yes, says Vello. The Fontaine Moussue. You'll like the fountain.
I thought we were speaking of mushrooms, says Jacobi.
It's sometimes hard to keep up with the quicksilver intellects of David and Vello.
Hee hee, laughs Vello.
Ha ha, laughs David.
They are both remembering the funny shape of the fountain.
It looks like some sort of mushroom, with its limestone concretions and maidenhair vegetation.
They explain this to Jacobi.
Ah, yes. They would all like to be in Salon-de-Provence, relaxing near the fountain.
They speed up.
Not enough to be useful.
Way, way up ahead, Edvald Boassen Hagen and Nikias Arndt are zooming round the right side of a roundabout, while the rest of the peloton is choosing the left side.
The right side is shorter.
Thanks to which Edvald Boassen Hagen , a Norwegian, wins the stage, and Nikias Arndt, a German, comes second, to the chagrin of the Belgians whose national day is today.
Bad luck, the Belgians.
Crowds cheering, flags waving, horns tooting.
A bridge, a flat grey road to follow.
And dark thoughts to contend with.
Arthur: What's up now?
Sweezus: I'll NEVER get King of the Mountain.
Arthur: Go for something else.
Sweezus: A stage win. Yeah right.
Arthur: No, I've still got that Vantablack paint I'm minding for Ageless.
Sweezus: Minding?
Arthur: Okay, He doesn't know I've got it.
Sweezus: That would be great if it worked. But it does jackshit for Team Claw.
Arthur: They might be using it wrong. What would Ageless know about tactics?
Sweezus: What d'you reckon?
Arthur: If we splattered the bikes of Team Sky.
Sweezus: That would freak them out. Yeah.
Arthur: We just have to catch them.
Sweezus: Good try, buddy.
Arthur: Maybe tomorrow.
Sweezus: Yeah, at the time trials. Fat chance.
Arthur: Or the next day. In Paris.
Sweezus: Too friggin' late then.
Arthur: But we'll be in Paris.
Sweezus: True. Cool. Macarons!
Sweezus speeds up a little.
Macarons are his favourite.
Not everyone has team mates as supportive as Arthur.
Team Claw is struggling. It has been a long way.
The Vantablack paint isn't working.
Third Sister seems to be riding for herself.
Ouvert is using both mouths, contra instructions.
Here is just an example:
Ouvert: Woop-woop! Coming through! Coming through!
Baby Pierre: Stop saying everything twice.
Ouvert: Okay. Okay.
Baby Pierre: Where's Third Sister? I want her to lead me out in a minute.
Ouvert: Stopped for a nature break. Stopped....
Baby Pierre: Shut up! I heard you.
Ouvert: ...for a pipi!
.......
Vello, David and Jacobi are not doing too badly.
They ride doggedly on.
Ever been to Salon-de-Provence? asks David.
Can't say I have, says Jacobi.
Nice sausages, says Vello. Tolerable paella. Excellent mushrooms.
Speaking of which, says David.
Oh yes, says Vello. The Fontaine Moussue. You'll like the fountain.
I thought we were speaking of mushrooms, says Jacobi.
It's sometimes hard to keep up with the quicksilver intellects of David and Vello.
Hee hee, laughs Vello.
Ha ha, laughs David.
They are both remembering the funny shape of the fountain.
It looks like some sort of mushroom, with its limestone concretions and maidenhair vegetation.
They explain this to Jacobi.
Ah, yes. They would all like to be in Salon-de-Provence, relaxing near the fountain.
They speed up.
Not enough to be useful.
Way, way up ahead, Edvald Boassen Hagen and Nikias Arndt are zooming round the right side of a roundabout, while the rest of the peloton is choosing the left side.
The right side is shorter.
Thanks to which Edvald Boassen Hagen , a Norwegian, wins the stage, and Nikias Arndt, a German, comes second, to the chagrin of the Belgians whose national day is today.
Bad luck, the Belgians.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Stage Eighteen: Briançon to Izoard - Prediction
Briançon is a commune in the Haute-Alpes department.
They eat tartiflette there, a baked potato, bacon and cheese dish.
Every rider hopes to find tartiflette in their snack bag.
Most will be disappointed. It's hard to package for on-the-run cycling.
Gaius is talking to Belle before the race starts.
Has Baldy recovered from drinking Verveine du Velay? asks Gaius. It was most remiss of me to allow him to drink it.
It wasn't your fault, says Belle. Yes, he's better today. He said Wa-wa this morning.
How amusing, says Gaius. That's the nickname the French give to Warren Barguil.
Good heavens! says Belle. I wonder if there's anything in it?
Probably not, says Gaius. Although verveine was used by the Romans to predict the future.
Wa-wa should win today then, says Belle.
Race is starting, says Gaius. I'd better go. What's in today's snack bags?
Tartiflette, says Belle. I wrapped some, specially. You squeeze it up from the bottom.
Gaius had not been looking forward to the final battle of the climbers, up the Col d' Izoard.
But.....tartiflette, to squeeze up from the bottom! Now he is heartened.
......
Team Philosophe is riding at the back of the main peloton. They have not won any points today.
Or any other day.
At least we're still here, says Vello.
Not everyone is as lucky, says David. Think of Porte, Kittel...
I vote we make a last ditch effort, says Jacobi.
Now? says David.
After the feeding station, says Jacobi.
.....
At the feeding station, Belle is standing with all the bags ready.
Tiny is beside her, with a strawberry for Third Sister.
Terence and Baldy are watching out for the clowns.
This is because of what happened yesterday.
The clowns had ridden up behind them, snatched them, and bundled them into their suitcase.
Oi! a policeman had said. No clowning with children!
Grimaldi and Pickelherring had no choice. Terence and Baldy had jumped out of the suitcase.
The crowd had been mildly amused, because the race was not passing.
Terence and Baldy had run to Belle who was handing out strawberries.....
That was yesterday. Today, it's tartiflette Belle is dispensing.
Team Sky ride past mechanically, reaching into their snack bags. They can smell tartiflette.
Mmm! But they only find Power Bars, protein gels and bananas.
Froome peels a banana. What does he care? It will do nicely.
Team Condor and Team Philosophe are welcome to their gourmet French snacks.
.......
At the finish, after a harrowing ride up the Col d'Izoard, Warren Barguil, of Team AG2R, soloes to victory.
Wa-wa.
Just saying.
They eat tartiflette there, a baked potato, bacon and cheese dish.
Every rider hopes to find tartiflette in their snack bag.
Most will be disappointed. It's hard to package for on-the-run cycling.
Gaius is talking to Belle before the race starts.
Has Baldy recovered from drinking Verveine du Velay? asks Gaius. It was most remiss of me to allow him to drink it.
It wasn't your fault, says Belle. Yes, he's better today. He said Wa-wa this morning.
How amusing, says Gaius. That's the nickname the French give to Warren Barguil.
Good heavens! says Belle. I wonder if there's anything in it?
Probably not, says Gaius. Although verveine was used by the Romans to predict the future.
Wa-wa should win today then, says Belle.
Race is starting, says Gaius. I'd better go. What's in today's snack bags?
Tartiflette, says Belle. I wrapped some, specially. You squeeze it up from the bottom.
Gaius had not been looking forward to the final battle of the climbers, up the Col d' Izoard.
But.....tartiflette, to squeeze up from the bottom! Now he is heartened.
......
Team Philosophe is riding at the back of the main peloton. They have not won any points today.
Or any other day.
At least we're still here, says Vello.
Not everyone is as lucky, says David. Think of Porte, Kittel...
I vote we make a last ditch effort, says Jacobi.
Now? says David.
After the feeding station, says Jacobi.
.....
At the feeding station, Belle is standing with all the bags ready.
Tiny is beside her, with a strawberry for Third Sister.
Terence and Baldy are watching out for the clowns.
This is because of what happened yesterday.
The clowns had ridden up behind them, snatched them, and bundled them into their suitcase.
Oi! a policeman had said. No clowning with children!
Grimaldi and Pickelherring had no choice. Terence and Baldy had jumped out of the suitcase.
The crowd had been mildly amused, because the race was not passing.
Terence and Baldy had run to Belle who was handing out strawberries.....
That was yesterday. Today, it's tartiflette Belle is dispensing.
Team Sky ride past mechanically, reaching into their snack bags. They can smell tartiflette.
Mmm! But they only find Power Bars, protein gels and bananas.
Froome peels a banana. What does he care? It will do nicely.
Team Condor and Team Philosophe are welcome to their gourmet French snacks.
.......
At the finish, after a harrowing ride up the Col d'Izoard, Warren Barguil, of Team AG2R, soloes to victory.
Wa-wa.
Just saying.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Stage Seventeen: La Mure to Serre-Chevalier - Mental Anguish
Another fine day in the mountains.
Tiny is off with Belle, hunting for strawberries.
Terence and Baldy watch the teams roll out of La Mure.
Look happy, says Terence.
Holly? says Baldy.
HAPPY! says Terence. The clowns are dead. Your mum killed them.
Baldy looks proud of his mum.
Copy, says Baldy.
And stop pointing, says Terence.
Baldy didn't know he was pointing. But his finger is up.
His finger points directly at Marcel Kittel for a moment, as Marcel rides by.
Grolly, says Baldy.
NO! says Terence. GREEN, not Grolly.
Green, says Baldy. He is still pointing. But now he is pointing at Michael Matthews.
(Remember these things).
.......
In their hospital beds in Le Puy-en-Velay:
Grimaldi: I had a dream last night.
Pickelherring: What was it?
Grimaldi: A visitation.
Nurse: You two look much better. You'll be discharged this morning. Here are your clown shoes, and your silly costumes.
Pickelherring: Mine isn't silly.
Nurse: Not as silly as his. Are you going to wear that red cockscomb?
Grimaldi: What! Where is it? I thought I still had it on.
Nurse: Well, you didn't. Here it is.
She drops it on the bed and goes to answer a buzzer.
Pickelherring: What about this visitation?
Grimaldi. It was the Virgin of Puy. She'd lost her baby Jesus. She was pointing at me. It was distinctly a threat. I felt my life was in the balance.
Pickelherring: A baby Jesus! We must find Terence!
Grimaldi: Yes. We must find Terence.
They get out of bed, dress in their clown clothes, and discharge themselves straight away.
They hire two motor bikes, and head for La Mure, with their trick suitcase.
.......
Terence is not there. Belle has dropped him and Baldy at the finish.
The clowns follow in the wake of the riders.
They pass Marcel Kittel, in green. He is struggling with pain and mental anguish.
He has various injuries. His shoe is broken. And so forth.
The clowns pass the gruppetto, and then the main peloton.
They pass Alberto Contador who is making a valiant effort to catch up with a breakaway.
No one stops them, because they are clowns.
They pass Michael Matthews, on whose face is a mixed emotion, having learned that Kittel has abandoned.
They reach the finish before anyone else does.
They are there to see Primoz Roglic of team Lotto Jumbo ride solo to the finish. A Slovenian!
And to see Rigoberto Uran come second. Followed by....would you believe it! Froomey.
But this interests them not at all.
Their lives are in the balance.
They must find a baby Jesus. Any baby Jesus will do.
It is at this point they spot Terence and Baldy.
Tiny is off with Belle, hunting for strawberries.
Terence and Baldy watch the teams roll out of La Mure.
Look happy, says Terence.
Holly? says Baldy.
HAPPY! says Terence. The clowns are dead. Your mum killed them.
Baldy looks proud of his mum.
Copy, says Baldy.
And stop pointing, says Terence.
Baldy didn't know he was pointing. But his finger is up.
His finger points directly at Marcel Kittel for a moment, as Marcel rides by.
Grolly, says Baldy.
NO! says Terence. GREEN, not Grolly.
Green, says Baldy. He is still pointing. But now he is pointing at Michael Matthews.
(Remember these things).
.......
In their hospital beds in Le Puy-en-Velay:
Grimaldi: I had a dream last night.
Pickelherring: What was it?
Grimaldi: A visitation.
Nurse: You two look much better. You'll be discharged this morning. Here are your clown shoes, and your silly costumes.
Pickelherring: Mine isn't silly.
Nurse: Not as silly as his. Are you going to wear that red cockscomb?
Grimaldi: What! Where is it? I thought I still had it on.
Nurse: Well, you didn't. Here it is.
She drops it on the bed and goes to answer a buzzer.
Pickelherring: What about this visitation?
Grimaldi. It was the Virgin of Puy. She'd lost her baby Jesus. She was pointing at me. It was distinctly a threat. I felt my life was in the balance.
Pickelherring: A baby Jesus! We must find Terence!
Grimaldi: Yes. We must find Terence.
They get out of bed, dress in their clown clothes, and discharge themselves straight away.
They hire two motor bikes, and head for La Mure, with their trick suitcase.
.......
Terence is not there. Belle has dropped him and Baldy at the finish.
The clowns follow in the wake of the riders.
They pass Marcel Kittel, in green. He is struggling with pain and mental anguish.
He has various injuries. His shoe is broken. And so forth.
The clowns pass the gruppetto, and then the main peloton.
They pass Alberto Contador who is making a valiant effort to catch up with a breakaway.
No one stops them, because they are clowns.
They pass Michael Matthews, on whose face is a mixed emotion, having learned that Kittel has abandoned.
They reach the finish before anyone else does.
They are there to see Primoz Roglic of team Lotto Jumbo ride solo to the finish. A Slovenian!
And to see Rigoberto Uran come second. Followed by....would you believe it! Froomey.
But this interests them not at all.
Their lives are in the balance.
They must find a baby Jesus. Any baby Jesus will do.
It is at this point they spot Terence and Baldy.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Stage Sixteen: Le Puy-en-Velay to Romans - Focus
The teams ride out of Le Puy-en-Velay.
The clowns stand at the side of the road.
Grimaldi sees a shimmering image, in the roadway.
Santa Maria! His dead mother!
He runs forward in his giant clown shoes and is nearly run over by a team car.
He steps back and falls in a faint at the feet of Pickelherring, who falls in a faint beside him.
They lie with their shoes pointing skywards, until an ambulance comes for them.
Team Condor rides past, unseeing.
Today they have planned to attack.
But ...there's a problem.
Just don't think about it, says Arthur.
Yeah, I'm not, says Sweezus. But.... it's kind of like kidnapping.
Not if you think about it, says Arthur.
It IS kidnapping, says Gaius. Baldy should have been returned to the Virgin.
Yeah, but he's still vomiting his guts up, says Sweezus
Funny, says Arthur. He's meant to be made of metal.
Indeed, says Gaius. Melted-down cannons. A fine thing to use for a statue of the Virgin Mary.
I didn't know that, says Sweezus. Cannons. No wonder she's aggressive.
I wonder if she's bumped off the clowns yet, says Arthur.
......
Belle is unaware that Baldy was meant to go back to the Virgin this morning, Arthur having failed to mention the agreement.
And Baldy is recovering nicely.
He LOVES Terence.
Belle waits at the feeding zone with musettes full of ravioles, lunettes de Romans, and protein gels.
Terence and Baldy wait beside her.
See that one, says Terence.
Yolly, says Baldy.
That's Froomey, says Terence. We don't want him to win. Who do we want?
Molly, says Baldy.
Learn to TALK! says Terence.
Tolly! says Baldy.
That's better, says Terence. Copy me.
Copy, says Baldy.
And from then on, there's some improvement.
Are you feeling better, sweetheart? asks Belle. Would you like to try a lunette?
Copy! says Baldy. Grolly drolly.
He means a green drink, says Terence.
He's certainly not having any more of that green drink, says Belle.
NO MORE GREEN DRINK! says Terence. It made you throw up. Do you know why?
Baldy doesn't know why. Nor does Terence.
.....
It's a nervous stage for the riders.
The top four riders are all within twenty eight seconds.
Seven are within two minutes of one another.
There are other mathematical things one could say to expand it even further.
But time is like water.
.....
Let's just cut to the finish.
It looks close.
Here comes Michael Matthews! Edvald Boassen Hagen! John Degenkolb!
Zoom. Zoom. Zoom.
None of these riders have kidnapped a baby.
Nor have they made a pact with the Virgin to pop off two clowns.
It just shows what you have to do to be in their position.
( Focus ).
The clowns stand at the side of the road.
Grimaldi sees a shimmering image, in the roadway.
Santa Maria! His dead mother!
He runs forward in his giant clown shoes and is nearly run over by a team car.
He steps back and falls in a faint at the feet of Pickelherring, who falls in a faint beside him.
They lie with their shoes pointing skywards, until an ambulance comes for them.
Team Condor rides past, unseeing.
Today they have planned to attack.
But ...there's a problem.
Just don't think about it, says Arthur.
Yeah, I'm not, says Sweezus. But.... it's kind of like kidnapping.
Not if you think about it, says Arthur.
It IS kidnapping, says Gaius. Baldy should have been returned to the Virgin.
Yeah, but he's still vomiting his guts up, says Sweezus
Funny, says Arthur. He's meant to be made of metal.
Indeed, says Gaius. Melted-down cannons. A fine thing to use for a statue of the Virgin Mary.
I didn't know that, says Sweezus. Cannons. No wonder she's aggressive.
I wonder if she's bumped off the clowns yet, says Arthur.
......
Belle is unaware that Baldy was meant to go back to the Virgin this morning, Arthur having failed to mention the agreement.
And Baldy is recovering nicely.
He LOVES Terence.
Belle waits at the feeding zone with musettes full of ravioles, lunettes de Romans, and protein gels.
Terence and Baldy wait beside her.
See that one, says Terence.
Yolly, says Baldy.
That's Froomey, says Terence. We don't want him to win. Who do we want?
Molly, says Baldy.
Learn to TALK! says Terence.
Tolly! says Baldy.
That's better, says Terence. Copy me.
Copy, says Baldy.
And from then on, there's some improvement.
Are you feeling better, sweetheart? asks Belle. Would you like to try a lunette?
Copy! says Baldy. Grolly drolly.
He means a green drink, says Terence.
He's certainly not having any more of that green drink, says Belle.
NO MORE GREEN DRINK! says Terence. It made you throw up. Do you know why?
Baldy doesn't know why. Nor does Terence.
.....
It's a nervous stage for the riders.
The top four riders are all within twenty eight seconds.
Seven are within two minutes of one another.
There are other mathematical things one could say to expand it even further.
But time is like water.
.....
Let's just cut to the finish.
It looks close.
Here comes Michael Matthews! Edvald Boassen Hagen! John Degenkolb!
Zoom. Zoom. Zoom.
None of these riders have kidnapped a baby.
Nor have they made a pact with the Virgin to pop off two clowns.
It just shows what you have to do to be in their position.
( Focus ).
Monday, July 17, 2017
Rest Day: Le-Puy-en-Velay - Crown of Stars
It's the rest day. Belle has organised a picnic. The clowns have not been invited.
What's to eat? asks Sweezus.
Green lentils, mountain sausages, mushrooms, Velay cheese, says Belle.
Lentils! says Sweezus.
What's that fatty meat, there? asks Vello. Pot au feu?
A surprise, says Belle. Leave some room. You'll love it.
Why can't we have it now? asks David.
Arthur's not back yet, says Belle.
Arthur has taken Terence and Tiny to see the Virgin.
No one else would.
Especially Sweezus.
It had happened like this:
Please, PLEASE! said Terence.
No way! said Sweezus.
Why not? asked Terence.
I steer clear of Virgins, said Sweezus. You go.
But who'll TAKE me? asked Terence.
I will, said Arthur.
And that's why Arthur is mounting the stairs inside the Virgin with Terence and Tiny.
They come out at the top. near her crown of stars.
Okay, Terence, says Arthur. What do you want to ask her?
She isn't listening, says Terence.
Yes I am, says the Virgin. You're Terence, Maria's boy, from Barcelona. Say hello to your baby cousin.
Hello baldy, says Terence.
Holly-bolly, says Baldy.
Good try, sweetheart, says the Virgin.
Can you kill people? asks Terence.
I suppose so, says the Virgin. Is it this serpent? I step on them. Usually that's enough to kill them. Isn't that right, Baldy? That's what mummy does, doesn't she?
NO! says Terence. This is Tiny Sacrifice. He's my parrot!
Oh, sorry dear! says the Virgin. Who then? Surely not this handsome young man?
She means Arthur.
Arthur smiles disarmingly, to ensure his survival.
The CLOWNS! says Terence. Pickel-bum and Grim-bum!
Pickel-bum and Grim-bum! The Virgin covers Baldy's ears.
I'll see what I can do, says the Virgin. All I ask in return is that you take Baldy for an outing, and bring him back at dinner time, or even tomorrow.
OKAY! says Terence. Come on Baldy!
Bolly! says Baldy.
Arthur, Tiny, Terence and Baldy make their way down the steps inside the Virgin and head back to the picnic.
Ah there you are, says Belle. At last! Now we can all have some delicious fin gras du Mézenc. They feed the cows on hay and perfumed fennel, so the beef has a wonderful taste and aroma. Oh my! Who's this cute baby?
It's just Baldy, says Terence.
Baldy has grabbed himself a glass of Verveine du Velay, which Gaius had put down on the grass, and swallowed the entire contents.
Good grief! says Belle. He's a BABY! He should NOT have had that!
What's to eat? asks Sweezus.
Green lentils, mountain sausages, mushrooms, Velay cheese, says Belle.
Lentils! says Sweezus.
What's that fatty meat, there? asks Vello. Pot au feu?
A surprise, says Belle. Leave some room. You'll love it.
Why can't we have it now? asks David.
Arthur's not back yet, says Belle.
Arthur has taken Terence and Tiny to see the Virgin.
No one else would.
Especially Sweezus.
It had happened like this:
Please, PLEASE! said Terence.
No way! said Sweezus.
Why not? asked Terence.
I steer clear of Virgins, said Sweezus. You go.
But who'll TAKE me? asked Terence.
I will, said Arthur.
And that's why Arthur is mounting the stairs inside the Virgin with Terence and Tiny.
They come out at the top. near her crown of stars.
Okay, Terence, says Arthur. What do you want to ask her?
She isn't listening, says Terence.
Yes I am, says the Virgin. You're Terence, Maria's boy, from Barcelona. Say hello to your baby cousin.
Hello baldy, says Terence.
Holly-bolly, says Baldy.
Good try, sweetheart, says the Virgin.
Can you kill people? asks Terence.
I suppose so, says the Virgin. Is it this serpent? I step on them. Usually that's enough to kill them. Isn't that right, Baldy? That's what mummy does, doesn't she?
NO! says Terence. This is Tiny Sacrifice. He's my parrot!
Oh, sorry dear! says the Virgin. Who then? Surely not this handsome young man?
She means Arthur.
Arthur smiles disarmingly, to ensure his survival.
The CLOWNS! says Terence. Pickel-bum and Grim-bum!
Pickel-bum and Grim-bum! The Virgin covers Baldy's ears.
I'll see what I can do, says the Virgin. All I ask in return is that you take Baldy for an outing, and bring him back at dinner time, or even tomorrow.
OKAY! says Terence. Come on Baldy!
Bolly! says Baldy.
Arthur, Tiny, Terence and Baldy make their way down the steps inside the Virgin and head back to the picnic.
Ah there you are, says Belle. At last! Now we can all have some delicious fin gras du Mézenc. They feed the cows on hay and perfumed fennel, so the beef has a wonderful taste and aroma. Oh my! Who's this cute baby?
It's just Baldy, says Terence.
Baldy has grabbed himself a glass of Verveine du Velay, which Gaius had put down on the grass, and swallowed the entire contents.
Good grief! says Belle. He's a BABY! He should NOT have had that!
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Stage Fifteen: Laissac-Sévérac l'Eglise to Le Puy en Velay - Attack
This stage is hilly. It will be good for the attackers.
The teams roll out of Laissac-Sévérac l'Eglise on their way to Le Puy-en-Velay.
Froomey has got back the yellow jersey.
Everyone is glum, except for Team Sky and Froomey.
Froomey in yellow! Has everything so far been for nothing?
Sweezus and Arthur are discussing this topic, as they pass a scenic field of the Aubrac, in which hay bales spell out L' ANIME DU TOUR.
Sweezus: Yeah but it's like.....
Arthur Déjà vu?
Sweezus: Again.
Arthur: You don't need to say 'again'. It's implicit
Sweezus: Yeah right. Huuuh! Froomey in yellow.
Arthur: Who knows? He might get a puncture. Or a broken spoke.
Sweezus (mimicking Froomey): Eew! My spoke broke! Help me!
Arthur: Picnic tomorrow.
Sweezus: Cool. Yeah, maybe it's not all for nothing.
Arthur: True. Where's Gaius?
Sweezus: Dunno.
......
Gaius, thinking his task is to lead Sweezus out, is up ahead, glancing back every so often.
Team Philosophe catches up.
Vello: Ah, Gaius! Just the man.
Gaius: What for?
David: Jacobi has a bee in his bonnet.
Gaius: Nothing to be done about that. Rules are rules. No antihistamines.
Vello: Not that sort of bee. A bee called Spinoza.
Jacobi: Ha Ha! Exactly. A bee!
David: Vello and I think we might have met him, on a train travelling through the outback. We think you were with us. But our memories are vague.
Gaius: Of course I remember. Spinoza was going to the Masters.
Vello: Oh yes, the Masters. And what happened?
Gaius: He tried to eat Ageless.
David: Oh ha ha! Yes he did. It's all coming back now.
Jacobi: It's just what I would have expected from that atheist.
Vello: Come on boys! This is the start of the Col de Peyra Taillade. Put in some effort!
David: Ha! Look Froomey's in trouble! A puncture.
Froomey (from the side of the road): Eew! My spoke broke! Help me.
Vello: Hurrah! Let's hope no one helps him.
David: No, look! Kwiatkowski is giving him his wheel.
Jacobi: Jammy!
......
At the finish, in Le Puy-en-Velay.
The metal Virgin is watching from her high rock base.
Look baby, says the Virgin to her baby. Look, it's Mollema!
Molle, says the metal baby. Molle-molle!
Hush, says the metal Virgin. Is that my mobile?
It is. She can barely hear it for the crowds cheering Bauke Mollema, and also for the fact that it is in a deep pocket, smothered in copious folds.
It's the Virgin of Rodez.
Marie? It's me, Marie.
Yes, Marie? I'm just watching the finish.
Oh, who's winning?
Bauke Mollema. He's soloing to the finish line right now. O fantastic!
Since when did you become a fan of the Dutch?
Is he Dutch? Never mind that, what is it?
Terence is on the loose again. I just missed him yesterday. If he turns up, you might help him. He's being pursued by two reprobate clowns. They've stolen his spinning plate, and locked it in a suitcase. At least that's how I understand the situation.
Okay, Marie, I'll keep an eye out. Bye now.
The metal Virgin looks down at her metal baby.
Do you remember your cousin Terence?
Molle-molle, says the baby.
The Virgin sighs. She can't wait for her baby to be capable of a decent conversation.
The teams roll out of Laissac-Sévérac l'Eglise on their way to Le Puy-en-Velay.
Froomey has got back the yellow jersey.
Everyone is glum, except for Team Sky and Froomey.
Froomey in yellow! Has everything so far been for nothing?
Sweezus and Arthur are discussing this topic, as they pass a scenic field of the Aubrac, in which hay bales spell out L' ANIME DU TOUR.
Sweezus: Yeah but it's like.....
Arthur Déjà vu?
Sweezus: Again.
Arthur: You don't need to say 'again'. It's implicit
Sweezus: Yeah right. Huuuh! Froomey in yellow.
Arthur: Who knows? He might get a puncture. Or a broken spoke.
Sweezus (mimicking Froomey): Eew! My spoke broke! Help me!
Arthur: Picnic tomorrow.
Sweezus: Cool. Yeah, maybe it's not all for nothing.
Arthur: True. Where's Gaius?
Sweezus: Dunno.
......
Gaius, thinking his task is to lead Sweezus out, is up ahead, glancing back every so often.
Team Philosophe catches up.
Vello: Ah, Gaius! Just the man.
Gaius: What for?
David: Jacobi has a bee in his bonnet.
Gaius: Nothing to be done about that. Rules are rules. No antihistamines.
Vello: Not that sort of bee. A bee called Spinoza.
Jacobi: Ha Ha! Exactly. A bee!
David: Vello and I think we might have met him, on a train travelling through the outback. We think you were with us. But our memories are vague.
Gaius: Of course I remember. Spinoza was going to the Masters.
Vello: Oh yes, the Masters. And what happened?
Gaius: He tried to eat Ageless.
David: Oh ha ha! Yes he did. It's all coming back now.
Jacobi: It's just what I would have expected from that atheist.
Vello: Come on boys! This is the start of the Col de Peyra Taillade. Put in some effort!
David: Ha! Look Froomey's in trouble! A puncture.
Froomey (from the side of the road): Eew! My spoke broke! Help me.
Vello: Hurrah! Let's hope no one helps him.
David: No, look! Kwiatkowski is giving him his wheel.
Jacobi: Jammy!
......
At the finish, in Le Puy-en-Velay.
The metal Virgin is watching from her high rock base.
Look baby, says the Virgin to her baby. Look, it's Mollema!
Molle, says the metal baby. Molle-molle!
Hush, says the metal Virgin. Is that my mobile?
It is. She can barely hear it for the crowds cheering Bauke Mollema, and also for the fact that it is in a deep pocket, smothered in copious folds.
It's the Virgin of Rodez.
Marie? It's me, Marie.
Yes, Marie? I'm just watching the finish.
Oh, who's winning?
Bauke Mollema. He's soloing to the finish line right now. O fantastic!
Since when did you become a fan of the Dutch?
Is he Dutch? Never mind that, what is it?
Terence is on the loose again. I just missed him yesterday. If he turns up, you might help him. He's being pursued by two reprobate clowns. They've stolen his spinning plate, and locked it in a suitcase. At least that's how I understand the situation.
Okay, Marie, I'll keep an eye out. Bye now.
The metal Virgin looks down at her metal baby.
Do you remember your cousin Terence?
Molle-molle, says the baby.
The Virgin sighs. She can't wait for her baby to be capable of a decent conversation.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Stage Fourteen: Blagnac to Rodez - Performance
In Blagnac, Ageless gives Team Claw a pep talk.
Stay at the front, says Ageless.
We do stay at the front, says Baby Pierre. That's not why we're not winning.
Enlighten me, says Ageless.
It's because we're invisible, says Ouvert. We come in first every time, but nobody sees us.
It's the Vantablack paint, says Third Sister. And we're not happy with it.
I am, says Overt. They're not.
You're not invisible, says Ageless. I have proof. Alberto Contador saw you yesterday. He described you.
Me? says Ouvert.
Not you, Third Sister, says Ageless.
How did he describe me? squeaks Third Sister.
She is excited.
Plucky snake with looped legs, says Ageless.
Oh, says Third Sister.
It's not the description she'd hoped for.
But plucky is kind of a compliment, coming from Alberto.
The point is, says Ageless You're not invisible. Therefore you're not not winning because you're winning and nobody sees you, you're not winning because you're not winning full stop.
We'll win today, says Baby Pierre. Are you with me, Team Claw?
Yes! says Third Sister.
Yeppo! says Ouvert through the mouth he's not supposed to be using.
Ageless eyes Ouvert sternly.
Go, my Team, says Ageless. Be like water.
They go, wondering what he means.
........
In Rodez, Terence is waiting, but not at the finish.
He has run away from the clowns.
He is waiting for the Virgin to come out of the Cathédrale Notre Dame.
But she hasn't come out yet.
Tiny Sacrifice is with him.
Why don't we go in? asks Tiny.
Virgins live on the outside, says Terence.
So why are we waiting for her to come out? asks Tiny.
She must have gone in, says Terence.
Why? asks Tiny.
To get something, says Terence.
They wait ten more minutes.
I want the spinning plate back, that's all, says Terence, sadly.
Me too, says Tiny. But the Virgin won't have it.
She can get it, says Terence.
Poor Terence. He knows the Virgin can't get it. But Terence is a long way from home.
....
Let's return to the Tour de France, though. We should not ignore it completely.
Grimaldi and Pickelherring are standing near the finish line, in Rodez.
They are performing a routine that was made famous by Laurel and Hardy.
But no one is watching. Here comes Michael Matthews, from Team Sunweb. An Australian rider.
He wins!
Greg van Avermaet comes second, followed by Edvald Boassen Hagen.
After that a few people start watching the clowns.
Pickelherring pours himself a glass of water from a pitcher, puts the glass down and then drinks the rest of the water from the pitcher.
It's funny, and it gets funnier as he does it three times.
Stay at the front, says Ageless.
We do stay at the front, says Baby Pierre. That's not why we're not winning.
Enlighten me, says Ageless.
It's because we're invisible, says Ouvert. We come in first every time, but nobody sees us.
It's the Vantablack paint, says Third Sister. And we're not happy with it.
I am, says Overt. They're not.
You're not invisible, says Ageless. I have proof. Alberto Contador saw you yesterday. He described you.
Me? says Ouvert.
Not you, Third Sister, says Ageless.
How did he describe me? squeaks Third Sister.
She is excited.
Plucky snake with looped legs, says Ageless.
Oh, says Third Sister.
It's not the description she'd hoped for.
But plucky is kind of a compliment, coming from Alberto.
The point is, says Ageless You're not invisible. Therefore you're not not winning because you're winning and nobody sees you, you're not winning because you're not winning full stop.
We'll win today, says Baby Pierre. Are you with me, Team Claw?
Yes! says Third Sister.
Yeppo! says Ouvert through the mouth he's not supposed to be using.
Ageless eyes Ouvert sternly.
Go, my Team, says Ageless. Be like water.
They go, wondering what he means.
........
In Rodez, Terence is waiting, but not at the finish.
He has run away from the clowns.
He is waiting for the Virgin to come out of the Cathédrale Notre Dame.
But she hasn't come out yet.
Tiny Sacrifice is with him.
Why don't we go in? asks Tiny.
Virgins live on the outside, says Terence.
So why are we waiting for her to come out? asks Tiny.
She must have gone in, says Terence.
Why? asks Tiny.
To get something, says Terence.
They wait ten more minutes.
I want the spinning plate back, that's all, says Terence, sadly.
Me too, says Tiny. But the Virgin won't have it.
She can get it, says Terence.
Poor Terence. He knows the Virgin can't get it. But Terence is a long way from home.
....
Let's return to the Tour de France, though. We should not ignore it completely.
Grimaldi and Pickelherring are standing near the finish line, in Rodez.
They are performing a routine that was made famous by Laurel and Hardy.
But no one is watching. Here comes Michael Matthews, from Team Sunweb. An Australian rider.
He wins!
Greg van Avermaet comes second, followed by Edvald Boassen Hagen.
After that a few people start watching the clowns.
Pickelherring pours himself a glass of water from a pitcher, puts the glass down and then drinks the rest of the water from the pitcher.
It's funny, and it gets funnier as he does it three times.
Friday, July 14, 2017
Stage Thirteen: Saint-Girons to Foix - Precious
It's Bastille Day.
This is a short stage but brutal.
Alberto Contador has woken up with a bad feeling.
He is drinking a coffee in the Tour Village when Ageless comes by.
Alberto ignores him.
Ageless scrapes the leg of Alberto.
What? snaps Alberto.
Vantablack coating, says Ageless. Ever heard of it? Does it let the wind through?
I've got enough problems says Alberto. I have to win. It's in my nature. What lets the wind through?
A special black paint, says Ageless. Have you seen Third Sister? She was in front of you yesterday.
Third Sister? says Alberto. The plucky little snake with looped legs?
Plucky? says Ageless. I suppose so. The point is, did you feel any extra wind coming through?
Through to me? says Alberto. No I don't think so. I just reached my limits.
Just as I suspected, says Ageless. She was being precious. But wait! So you saw her?
I saw her, says Alberto. She rides low.
Curses, says Ageless. That's another Vantablack problem I hadn't expected. She isn't invisible.
This sounds like attempted cheating, says Alberto. You should be careful.
I'm always careful, says Ageless, sloping off.
Alberto feels better. Others have worse problems than Alberto.
.......
It's such a short stage that it is already nearly finished.
The attackers have attacked from the start.
There have been three Category One climbs.
In the final kilometres there are four riders to contest the stage win, Mikel Landa, Alberto Contador, Nairo Quintana and Warren Barguil.
Terence is standing at the finish with Tiny.
They are waiting to cheer for Third Sister, and spin plates in her honour.
Terence is practising.
Wizz!
Grimaldi and Pickelherring loom up behind him, in their clown outfits.
When you've finished, says Grimaldi. I want my plates back.
Terence spins round and nearly drops the red plate he is spinning.
But it cannot be dropped. They are trick plates attached to bamboo sticks.
Grimaldi does not want anyone to know this.
He places his hands on Terence's shoulders.
Help! cries Terence.
Tiny grabs the bamboo stick from Terence and keeps the plate spinning.
It looks like a proper entertainment.
Some of the crowd become so engrossed in the spinning plate show that they miss the finish.
Warren Barguil wins the stage. A Frenchman! Hourra!
Nairo Quintana comes second. Brillante!
And Alberto Contador comes third, which is bueno but not agreeable for Alberto, who only likes winning.
This is a short stage but brutal.
Alberto Contador has woken up with a bad feeling.
He is drinking a coffee in the Tour Village when Ageless comes by.
Alberto ignores him.
Ageless scrapes the leg of Alberto.
What? snaps Alberto.
Vantablack coating, says Ageless. Ever heard of it? Does it let the wind through?
I've got enough problems says Alberto. I have to win. It's in my nature. What lets the wind through?
A special black paint, says Ageless. Have you seen Third Sister? She was in front of you yesterday.
Third Sister? says Alberto. The plucky little snake with looped legs?
Plucky? says Ageless. I suppose so. The point is, did you feel any extra wind coming through?
Through to me? says Alberto. No I don't think so. I just reached my limits.
Just as I suspected, says Ageless. She was being precious. But wait! So you saw her?
I saw her, says Alberto. She rides low.
Curses, says Ageless. That's another Vantablack problem I hadn't expected. She isn't invisible.
This sounds like attempted cheating, says Alberto. You should be careful.
I'm always careful, says Ageless, sloping off.
Alberto feels better. Others have worse problems than Alberto.
.......
It's such a short stage that it is already nearly finished.
The attackers have attacked from the start.
There have been three Category One climbs.
In the final kilometres there are four riders to contest the stage win, Mikel Landa, Alberto Contador, Nairo Quintana and Warren Barguil.
Terence is standing at the finish with Tiny.
They are waiting to cheer for Third Sister, and spin plates in her honour.
Terence is practising.
Wizz!
Grimaldi and Pickelherring loom up behind him, in their clown outfits.
When you've finished, says Grimaldi. I want my plates back.
Terence spins round and nearly drops the red plate he is spinning.
But it cannot be dropped. They are trick plates attached to bamboo sticks.
Grimaldi does not want anyone to know this.
He places his hands on Terence's shoulders.
Help! cries Terence.
Tiny grabs the bamboo stick from Terence and keeps the plate spinning.
It looks like a proper entertainment.
Some of the crowd become so engrossed in the spinning plate show that they miss the finish.
Warren Barguil wins the stage. A Frenchman! Hourra!
Nairo Quintana comes second. Brillante!
And Alberto Contador comes third, which is bueno but not agreeable for Alberto, who only likes winning.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Stage Twelve: Pau to Peyragudes - Yellow
The teams stream out of Pau.
Belle spots Ageless, watching.
How's Team Claw going? asks Belle.
Third Sister is nothing but trouble, says Ageless. Always complaining.
She has a right to, says Belle. You haven't organised anything. No proper feed bags, and the Vantablack paint lets too much wind through.
Did she say that? asks Ageless.
Yes, says Belle. Luckily her brother is feeding her now that he's out of the suitcase. As for the paint, that's your problem.
Okay, sighs Ageless. I'll get someone onto it.
Someone? says Belle.
Someone, says Ageless. But I don't know what they can do. That stuff's expensive.
Belle heads off to buy the team snacks for today.
It will be a hard ride, with four climbs in the Pyrenees. The teams will need to eat constantly.
Pyrenean Ossau-Iraty cheese with black cherry jam should go down well, and some pastries.
.....
On the Col des Ares:
Team Philosophe is enjoying the challenge.
This is more like it, says David. I feel something might happen.
A change in the placings, says Vello. I feel it too.
Got a tissue? asks Jacobi. This cherry jam is getting all over my hand grips.
.....
On the Col de Mente:
Sweezus: I don't like this cheese.
Arthur: Is it cheese? I thought it was pastry.
Sweezus: Pastry? Let's see!
Arthur shows him the pastry.
Sweezus: That's one of those merveilles fritters. Wanna swap for the cheese?
Arthur: Okay. But I've eaten half. Wait a minute. Here's a coucougnette. Want that?
Gaius: What on earth is a coucougnette?
Sweezus: Its like, a chocolate coated hazelnut wrapped in almond paste.
Gaius: A plain nut would suffice. Why do the French always.....?
......
On the Col de Balès:
Baby Pierre: Where's Third Sister?
Ouvert: Up ahead. I hope she stacks it.
Baby Pierre: Shut up. She's the fastest.
Ouvert: Only when she gets food.
Baby Pierre: That's not her fault. What did Tiny give her?
Ouvert: Another strawberry. Did you see Terence? He can spin plates.
Baby Pierre: I wish I could.
Ouvert: I can.
Baby Pierre: You can't. Shut up and pedal.
....
On the Col de Peyresourde:
Vello: Did you see what happened?
Jacobi: No. I was thinking of Spinoza.
David: Nothing bad I trust?
Jacobi: That charlatan is the very devil!
Vello: Nieve, Froome and Aru went off the road at the bottom!
David: Is that them out of the race?
Vello: No, here they come now. Hmm. Bad luck eh?
David: Tch!
But really, this is no time for schadenfreude or its opposite .
This race is so bleeping hard.
Even Froomey is flagging.
Aru gives it his all.
He passes Froomey.
Then he is passed by Romain Bardet who wins Stage Twelve. Well done, Romain Bardet!
But Aru has pipped Froomey, and the yellow jersey is his for today.
Belle spots Ageless, watching.
How's Team Claw going? asks Belle.
Third Sister is nothing but trouble, says Ageless. Always complaining.
She has a right to, says Belle. You haven't organised anything. No proper feed bags, and the Vantablack paint lets too much wind through.
Did she say that? asks Ageless.
Yes, says Belle. Luckily her brother is feeding her now that he's out of the suitcase. As for the paint, that's your problem.
Okay, sighs Ageless. I'll get someone onto it.
Someone? says Belle.
Someone, says Ageless. But I don't know what they can do. That stuff's expensive.
Belle heads off to buy the team snacks for today.
It will be a hard ride, with four climbs in the Pyrenees. The teams will need to eat constantly.
Pyrenean Ossau-Iraty cheese with black cherry jam should go down well, and some pastries.
.....
On the Col des Ares:
Team Philosophe is enjoying the challenge.
This is more like it, says David. I feel something might happen.
A change in the placings, says Vello. I feel it too.
Got a tissue? asks Jacobi. This cherry jam is getting all over my hand grips.
.....
On the Col de Mente:
Sweezus: I don't like this cheese.
Arthur: Is it cheese? I thought it was pastry.
Sweezus: Pastry? Let's see!
Arthur shows him the pastry.
Sweezus: That's one of those merveilles fritters. Wanna swap for the cheese?
Arthur: Okay. But I've eaten half. Wait a minute. Here's a coucougnette. Want that?
Gaius: What on earth is a coucougnette?
Sweezus: Its like, a chocolate coated hazelnut wrapped in almond paste.
Gaius: A plain nut would suffice. Why do the French always.....?
......
On the Col de Balès:
Baby Pierre: Where's Third Sister?
Ouvert: Up ahead. I hope she stacks it.
Baby Pierre: Shut up. She's the fastest.
Ouvert: Only when she gets food.
Baby Pierre: That's not her fault. What did Tiny give her?
Ouvert: Another strawberry. Did you see Terence? He can spin plates.
Baby Pierre: I wish I could.
Ouvert: I can.
Baby Pierre: You can't. Shut up and pedal.
....
On the Col de Peyresourde:
Vello: Did you see what happened?
Jacobi: No. I was thinking of Spinoza.
David: Nothing bad I trust?
Jacobi: That charlatan is the very devil!
Vello: Nieve, Froome and Aru went off the road at the bottom!
David: Is that them out of the race?
Vello: No, here they come now. Hmm. Bad luck eh?
David: Tch!
But really, this is no time for schadenfreude or its opposite .
This race is so bleeping hard.
Even Froomey is flagging.
Aru gives it his all.
He passes Froomey.
Then he is passed by Romain Bardet who wins Stage Twelve. Well done, Romain Bardet!
But Aru has pipped Froomey, and the yellow jersey is his for today.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Stage Eleven: Eymet to Pau - Pointless
Another flat stage in more ways than one.
The teams wait to start out of Eymet.
Third Sister rolls up to Tiny.
What's today's snack?
Another strawberry, says Tiny, opening the feed bag.
Don't let Terence hold it, says Third Sister.
Okay, says Tiny. He was holding it yesterday because I was spinning the plates.
Yes, and why were you doing that? asks Third Sister.
It's my new skill, says Tiny. Trick, actually.
So it's a trick, says Third Sister. I thought so.
How's the tactic going? asks Tiny, to change the subject.
Uhhh! sighs Third Sister. I'm not sure about this Vantablack coating. It lets too much wind through.
You should talk to Ageless, says Tiny. It was his idea.
Oh right! says Third Sister. And where is Ageless? Fine manager he's turned out to be.....
And so on. But we ought to follow the others.
Here they are, strung out along a straight road.
Bored, every one of them.
Here's just an example.
Vello: I must say, a bend would be welcome.
David: Oh for a bend!
Jacobi: I have to agree.
Here's another.
Sweezus: This is shit. Nothing's happening. When's the feed zone?
Gaius: Coming up at Labastide d'Armagnac, near the Chapel of the Cyclist.
Sweezus: Chapel of the Cyclist. What a head fuck!
Gaius: I don't see why....
Arthur: Maybe he's got a premonition. Have you?
Sweezus: Yeah, no, I don't know....
Gaius: A pointless premonition. Heads down, boys, keep going!
At the feed zone, Belle is waiting, with stuffed cabbage snacks, and protein shakes for Team Condor and Team Philosophe.
Tiny is waiting with a pristine strawberry for Third Sister.
Terence is spinning the plates.
Several riders are distracted when they see a cement Baby Jesus spinning plates on bamboo sticks so near to the Chapel of the Cyclist.
There is a crash, and some bones are broken.
Dario Cataldo is out, leaving Fabio Aru without a super domestique.
Twenty two kilometres out from the finish, Alberto Contador crashes. He suffers a blow to his left hip, and an injured right hand.
But it takes more than that to daunt Alberto.
Let's cut to the finish. Yes! It's Marcel Kittel, winning his fifth stage of the Tour!
Let's not jinx Marcel Kittel by saying anything further.
The teams wait to start out of Eymet.
Third Sister rolls up to Tiny.
What's today's snack?
Another strawberry, says Tiny, opening the feed bag.
Don't let Terence hold it, says Third Sister.
Okay, says Tiny. He was holding it yesterday because I was spinning the plates.
Yes, and why were you doing that? asks Third Sister.
It's my new skill, says Tiny. Trick, actually.
So it's a trick, says Third Sister. I thought so.
How's the tactic going? asks Tiny, to change the subject.
Uhhh! sighs Third Sister. I'm not sure about this Vantablack coating. It lets too much wind through.
You should talk to Ageless, says Tiny. It was his idea.
Oh right! says Third Sister. And where is Ageless? Fine manager he's turned out to be.....
And so on. But we ought to follow the others.
Here they are, strung out along a straight road.
Bored, every one of them.
Here's just an example.
Vello: I must say, a bend would be welcome.
David: Oh for a bend!
Jacobi: I have to agree.
Here's another.
Sweezus: This is shit. Nothing's happening. When's the feed zone?
Gaius: Coming up at Labastide d'Armagnac, near the Chapel of the Cyclist.
Sweezus: Chapel of the Cyclist. What a head fuck!
Gaius: I don't see why....
Arthur: Maybe he's got a premonition. Have you?
Sweezus: Yeah, no, I don't know....
Gaius: A pointless premonition. Heads down, boys, keep going!
At the feed zone, Belle is waiting, with stuffed cabbage snacks, and protein shakes for Team Condor and Team Philosophe.
Tiny is waiting with a pristine strawberry for Third Sister.
Terence is spinning the plates.
Several riders are distracted when they see a cement Baby Jesus spinning plates on bamboo sticks so near to the Chapel of the Cyclist.
There is a crash, and some bones are broken.
Dario Cataldo is out, leaving Fabio Aru without a super domestique.
Twenty two kilometres out from the finish, Alberto Contador crashes. He suffers a blow to his left hip, and an injured right hand.
But it takes more than that to daunt Alberto.
Let's cut to the finish. Yes! It's Marcel Kittel, winning his fifth stage of the Tour!
Let's not jinx Marcel Kittel by saying anything further.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Stage Ten: Périgueux to Bergerac - Spinning
Marcel Kittel feels good.
Peter Sagan is history, for now.
Arnaud Démare is out of contention.
Furthermore, on the rest day, Marcel Kittel ate sensibly. He did not stuff himself with rich cheese, truffles and foie gras, or drink too much Ugni, or even waste his time watching a small snake spin coloured plates on bamboo sticks.
Marcel's main threat now is Michael Matthews, who is 52 points down in the race for the green jersey.
.........
Team Philosphe is keeping to the back of the peloton, having done what Marcel has not done.
Ooh, says David, easing himself up on his bicycle seat discreetly.
You could have warned me, says Jacobi, behind him.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. That was the warning. Plenty more where that came from.
Jacobi speeds up, but finds he has little motivation.
He catches up to Sweezus and Arthur, who are nursing sore heads from the Ugni.
Hi, says Sweezus. Cool picnic yesterday. That goat cheese was pretty amazing.
Cabécou, says Jacobi. Not my favourite.
Belle's got heaps more, says Sweezus. We're getting it for snacks later on.
Hm, says Jacobi. Someone else can have mine.
Third Sister, says Sweezus. Belle gives her the leftovers.
She won't have to now, says Jacobi.
How come? says Sweezus.
Her brother is out of the suitcase, says Jacobi. You were there. You saw it.
Sweezus looks at Arthur.
Arthur looks at Sweezus.
Man! Did we really see that?
It did happen. Tiny had come out of the sixth suitcase spinning coloured plates on bamboo sticks. He had it down to perfection.
Everyone had been stunned, and thought they were dreaming. Terence had wanted to learn it.
Only Grimaldi had expected Tiny be so good at the spinning.
......
At the feeding station, Terence waits with Tiny, for Third Sister to come by.
Tiny spins coloured plates, to attract her attention.
Terence is licking a strawberry
That's for Third Sister, says Tiny.
She won't mind, says Terence.
This is good, says Tiny. No clowns.
Where are they? asks Terence.
Visiting their old Mime and Gesture professor, in Périgueux, says Tiny.
Terence nearly swallows the strawberry.
Third Sister comes by.
Terence spits out the strawberry.
If that's for ME, says Third Sister, you can STICK it! I saw what you did.
She speeds by without stopping, just like Marcel Kittel would do.
She is so mad about the strawberry that she even passes Marcel Kittel.
She doesn't notice the breathtaking landscape through which she is passing.
She rides like a demon and catches up to Gesbert and Offredo, who have been in front all day.
She passes Gesbert and Offredo.
Only a headwind prevents her from winning the stage.
A good effort from Third Sister.
But Marcel Kittel is today the most powerful sprinter.
He wins his fourth stage in the tour.
Chris Froome retains yellow. It makes a total of fifty yellow jerseys that Chris Froome has worn.
Peter Sagan is history, for now.
Arnaud Démare is out of contention.
Furthermore, on the rest day, Marcel Kittel ate sensibly. He did not stuff himself with rich cheese, truffles and foie gras, or drink too much Ugni, or even waste his time watching a small snake spin coloured plates on bamboo sticks.
Marcel's main threat now is Michael Matthews, who is 52 points down in the race for the green jersey.
Team Philosphe is keeping to the back of the peloton, having done what Marcel has not done.
Ooh, says David, easing himself up on his bicycle seat discreetly.
You could have warned me, says Jacobi, behind him.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. That was the warning. Plenty more where that came from.
Jacobi speeds up, but finds he has little motivation.
He catches up to Sweezus and Arthur, who are nursing sore heads from the Ugni.
Hi, says Sweezus. Cool picnic yesterday. That goat cheese was pretty amazing.
Cabécou, says Jacobi. Not my favourite.
Belle's got heaps more, says Sweezus. We're getting it for snacks later on.
Hm, says Jacobi. Someone else can have mine.
Third Sister, says Sweezus. Belle gives her the leftovers.
She won't have to now, says Jacobi.
How come? says Sweezus.
Her brother is out of the suitcase, says Jacobi. You were there. You saw it.
Sweezus looks at Arthur.
Arthur looks at Sweezus.
Man! Did we really see that?
It did happen. Tiny had come out of the sixth suitcase spinning coloured plates on bamboo sticks. He had it down to perfection.
Everyone had been stunned, and thought they were dreaming. Terence had wanted to learn it.
Only Grimaldi had expected Tiny be so good at the spinning.
......
At the feeding station, Terence waits with Tiny, for Third Sister to come by.
Tiny spins coloured plates, to attract her attention.
Terence is licking a strawberry
That's for Third Sister, says Tiny.
She won't mind, says Terence.
This is good, says Tiny. No clowns.
Where are they? asks Terence.
Visiting their old Mime and Gesture professor, in Périgueux, says Tiny.
Terence nearly swallows the strawberry.
Third Sister comes by.
Terence spits out the strawberry.
If that's for ME, says Third Sister, you can STICK it! I saw what you did.
She speeds by without stopping, just like Marcel Kittel would do.
She is so mad about the strawberry that she even passes Marcel Kittel.
She doesn't notice the breathtaking landscape through which she is passing.
She rides like a demon and catches up to Gesbert and Offredo, who have been in front all day.
She passes Gesbert and Offredo.
Only a headwind prevents her from winning the stage.
A good effort from Third Sister.
But Marcel Kittel is today the most powerful sprinter.
He wins his fourth stage in the tour.
Chris Froome retains yellow. It makes a total of fifty yellow jerseys that Chris Froome has worn.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Rest Day: Dordogne - Guilty Picnic
It's a rest day, the first of the Tour.
Belle has organised a picnic for Team Philosophe and Team Condor.
The clowns are invited.
She spreads out a rug on the grass near a Gallo Roman tower.
Nice spot, says Gaius.
Thought you'd like it, says Belle. Now who's for a glass of white wine?
What is it? asks Vello.
Ugni blanc, says Belle, or you can have the Côt, which is a nice malbec.
The white, dear, says Vello.
What's to eat? asks Sweezus.
Belle opens a large wicker basket.
Specialities of the region, says Belle. Périgord paté, baked duck, mushroom omelette, walnut cake and strawberries. Clowns, would you like some fresh bread?
Grimaldi opens his trick suitcase and draws out a bread knife.
Pickelherring takes a strawberry, and hands it to Terence.
Terence tries to take it. Pickelherring whips it away.
Wah! says Terence.
Everyone laughs. It is delightful the sweet way the clowns have with Terence.
By now everyone has a glass of white wine, a chunk of fresh bread, and a dab of truffle and foie gras paté. Arthur is already on seconds.
Terence is eating a strawberry, half squashed by Pickelherring's thumbs.
Pity about Richie, yesterday, says David. I feel a bit guilty.
Yeah, me too, says Sweezus.
Why is that? asks Belle, pouring each of them a second glass of Ugni, and offering a thick slice of baked duck.
Jinxed him, says Sweezus.
He jinxed himself, says Arthur. With the demons.
Yeah, but.... we all wished that Froome would fall off, says Sweezus.
It's true. They had all wished that Froome would fall off.
Come on, says Belle. In that case, you should only feel guilty if Froome fell off.
That's not how guilt works, says Jacobi.
True, says Vello. We should all have been happy if Froome fell off.
What if he'd got hurt? asks Belle.
Heaven forbid! says Vello.
Even Vello will not go that far.
There is a scratching sound, coming from the suitcase.
Can Tiny come out? asks Terence. He LOVES strawberries.
Not yet, says Grimaldi.
Is Tiny still in there? asks Belle. Let him out at once!
Grimaldi is reluctant. He makes a mime face depicting reluctance.
Go on! says Belle. Or there will be no walnut cake for anyone.
The group pressure mounts on Grimaldi
Walnut cake-walnut cake-walnut cake.....
It occurs to several of the picnickers that they do not like walnut cake.
Too late. Grimaldi loves walnut cake.
Grimaldi opens the suitcase.
And so on, .... right down to the fifth suitcase.
Or the sixth, who knows? Everyone is eyeing the picnic basket.
Because it looks like, after the walnut cake, there'll be cabécou du Périgord cheese.
Belle has organised a picnic for Team Philosophe and Team Condor.
The clowns are invited.
She spreads out a rug on the grass near a Gallo Roman tower.
Nice spot, says Gaius.
Thought you'd like it, says Belle. Now who's for a glass of white wine?
What is it? asks Vello.
Ugni blanc, says Belle, or you can have the Côt, which is a nice malbec.
The white, dear, says Vello.
What's to eat? asks Sweezus.
Belle opens a large wicker basket.
Specialities of the region, says Belle. Périgord paté, baked duck, mushroom omelette, walnut cake and strawberries. Clowns, would you like some fresh bread?
Grimaldi opens his trick suitcase and draws out a bread knife.
Pickelherring takes a strawberry, and hands it to Terence.
Terence tries to take it. Pickelherring whips it away.
Wah! says Terence.
Everyone laughs. It is delightful the sweet way the clowns have with Terence.
By now everyone has a glass of white wine, a chunk of fresh bread, and a dab of truffle and foie gras paté. Arthur is already on seconds.
Terence is eating a strawberry, half squashed by Pickelherring's thumbs.
Pity about Richie, yesterday, says David. I feel a bit guilty.
Yeah, me too, says Sweezus.
Why is that? asks Belle, pouring each of them a second glass of Ugni, and offering a thick slice of baked duck.
Jinxed him, says Sweezus.
He jinxed himself, says Arthur. With the demons.
Yeah, but.... we all wished that Froome would fall off, says Sweezus.
It's true. They had all wished that Froome would fall off.
Come on, says Belle. In that case, you should only feel guilty if Froome fell off.
That's not how guilt works, says Jacobi.
True, says Vello. We should all have been happy if Froome fell off.
What if he'd got hurt? asks Belle.
Heaven forbid! says Vello.
Even Vello will not go that far.
There is a scratching sound, coming from the suitcase.
Can Tiny come out? asks Terence. He LOVES strawberries.
Not yet, says Grimaldi.
Is Tiny still in there? asks Belle. Let him out at once!
Grimaldi is reluctant. He makes a mime face depicting reluctance.
Go on! says Belle. Or there will be no walnut cake for anyone.
The group pressure mounts on Grimaldi
Walnut cake-walnut cake-walnut cake.....
It occurs to several of the picnickers that they do not like walnut cake.
Too late. Grimaldi loves walnut cake.
Grimaldi opens the suitcase.
And so on, .... right down to the fifth suitcase.
Or the sixth, who knows? Everyone is eyeing the picnic basket.
Because it looks like, after the walnut cake, there'll be cabécou du Périgord cheese.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Stage Nine: Nantua to Chambery - Risk Of Demons
Everyone is nervous.
It's a day full of risk, and descents that are tricky.
The demons are exulting today.
Come on, Arthur, says Sweezus. Stop dreaming.
I wasn't, says Arthur. I was thinking of demons.
Don't think of demons, says Gaius. It only encourages them.
What the fuck, Arthur? says Sweezus. Demons?
Chris Froome zooms by.
Richie's writing a poem, says Arthur. I'm going to help him.
Why didn't he ask me? says Sweezus.
I'm the poet, says Arthur.
Yeah but you've given it up, says Sweezus. I'm creative.
Well, he asked me, says Arthur.
Which is not true. Richie didn't.
Vello and David catch up to Team Condor.
Taking it easy are we? says Vello. Very wise. Today'll be tricky. Could blow the field wide open.
Alberto Contador whizzes by.
Go Alberto, says David.
Why did you say that? asks Vello.
I'm quite fond of Alberto, says David.
Catch him up then, says Vello.
David grins. He is in a good mood today. Not because of the tricky nature of the course. That is a nuisance. But tomorrow there will be a picnic.
Look at him, says Vello. He's dreaming of the picnic.
Me too, says Arthur. Belle always does a good picnic.
Did you know she's invited the clowns, asks Vello.
What clowns? asks Sweezus.
The ones that are keeping an eye on young Terence, says Vello. She wants to thank them.
They took him into a labyrinth yesterday, says David. At Station des Rousses. I bet he liked that.
Lucky little fellow, says Vello. O to be young and have no responsibilities.
Jacobi drops back. He has been riding behind Warren Barguil, but given up.
Phew! says Jacobi.
Later, he will say it again.
.....
It is later.
The tour has ascended Mont du Chat.
Now the riders are descending.
It is hard to be cautious with demons exulting.
Too late, Richie spots them.
Crash!
But it's not bad for everyone.
Rigoberto Uran comes first.
Warren Barguil second.
And Chris Froome the lucky comes third.
It's a day full of risk, and descents that are tricky.
The demons are exulting today.
Come on, Arthur, says Sweezus. Stop dreaming.
I wasn't, says Arthur. I was thinking of demons.
Don't think of demons, says Gaius. It only encourages them.
What the fuck, Arthur? says Sweezus. Demons?
Chris Froome zooms by.
Richie's writing a poem, says Arthur. I'm going to help him.
Why didn't he ask me? says Sweezus.
I'm the poet, says Arthur.
Yeah but you've given it up, says Sweezus. I'm creative.
Well, he asked me, says Arthur.
Which is not true. Richie didn't.
Vello and David catch up to Team Condor.
Taking it easy are we? says Vello. Very wise. Today'll be tricky. Could blow the field wide open.
Alberto Contador whizzes by.
Go Alberto, says David.
Why did you say that? asks Vello.
I'm quite fond of Alberto, says David.
Catch him up then, says Vello.
David grins. He is in a good mood today. Not because of the tricky nature of the course. That is a nuisance. But tomorrow there will be a picnic.
Look at him, says Vello. He's dreaming of the picnic.
Me too, says Arthur. Belle always does a good picnic.
Did you know she's invited the clowns, asks Vello.
What clowns? asks Sweezus.
The ones that are keeping an eye on young Terence, says Vello. She wants to thank them.
They took him into a labyrinth yesterday, says David. At Station des Rousses. I bet he liked that.
Lucky little fellow, says Vello. O to be young and have no responsibilities.
Jacobi drops back. He has been riding behind Warren Barguil, but given up.
Phew! says Jacobi.
Later, he will say it again.
.....
It is later.
The tour has ascended Mont du Chat.
Now the riders are descending.
It is hard to be cautious with demons exulting.
Too late, Richie spots them.
Crash!
But it's not bad for everyone.
Rigoberto Uran comes first.
Warren Barguil second.
And Chris Froome the lucky comes third.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Stage Eight: Dole to Station des Rousses - Bravo
Dole is the birthplace of Louis Pasteur.
We may see him, in a field somewhere, waving his top hat at the riders.
The Tour departs from Dole.
It's a day for the attackers.
Anyone feel like attacking? asks Vello
Not yet surely, says David.
I'll do it, says Jacobi.
Good man, says Vello. Mind how you go.
Jacobi is feeling good this morning. He had Franche-Comté pork for breakfast, and a sausage. His pocket is full of Baby Bel cheeses, which are manufactured nearby.
He passes Sweezus who is making an attempt to join the first breakaway, with Sylvain Chavanel.
Sweezus follows Jacobi, in the slipstream.
Get away! says Jacobi.
Sweezus doesn't answer.
No free rides behind me! says Jacobi.
Sweezus keeps on coasting.
Jacobi slows down. Sweezus rides past him.
Now Sweezus should have a good chance to join the first breakaway,
But the first breakaway has failed, and been absorbed by the main peloton.
Jacobi rejoins his team mates.
What went wrong? asks David.
Nothing, says Jacobi. Who'd like a cheese?
He hands them a Baby Bel cheese each.
These things taste like plastic, says David.
He discards the cheese.
It is picked up almost at once by a French infant, and pocketed.
Thus the afternoon rolls on, up and down various mountains.
Attackers attacking.
Arthur has caught up with Richie.
Arthur, says Richie, looking up. How's it going?
Okay, says Arthur. Gaius is pretty reliable. But I miss Pablo.
Yeah, Pablo, says Richie. Good rider, good poet. Hey, wanna hear my new poem?
Go ahead, says Arthur. Is it Chinese?
Kind of, says Richie. I'm trying to get a new sort of hybrid voice going. This is the first line:
Demons exult in human failure.
That's good says Arthur. Sounds like Du Fu.
It is Du Fu, says Richie. Now I have to, kind of, you know, develop it.
So that's all you've got, says Arthur.
So far, says Richie. But I've got heaps of ideas.
Great, says Arthur. Let's talk about them later.
Sure, says Richie,
He pedals away, not wanting to lose fifth position in the GC.
......
At the Station de Rousses, the clowns are talking, like normal people.
Grimaldi: There's a woodwork museum somewhere near here.
Pickelherring. What do they exhibit?
Grimaldi. Woodwork.
Pickelherring: What kind?
Grimaldi: Local fabrications. Clocks, cheese boxes and skis, if I'm not mistaken.
Pickelhering. We might go.
Grimaldi: We might. There is also an historical fortress, the Fort des Rousses, which was used for commando training until 1997, and has an underground labyrinth which is open to the public.
Pickelherring: We must go! Would you like that Terence?
Terence: NO!
They bend down to try and persuade him, and miss seeing the finish.
Lilian Calmejane soloes to victory, a Frenchman.
Bravo!
We may see him, in a field somewhere, waving his top hat at the riders.
The Tour departs from Dole.
It's a day for the attackers.
Anyone feel like attacking? asks Vello
Not yet surely, says David.
I'll do it, says Jacobi.
Good man, says Vello. Mind how you go.
Jacobi is feeling good this morning. He had Franche-Comté pork for breakfast, and a sausage. His pocket is full of Baby Bel cheeses, which are manufactured nearby.
He passes Sweezus who is making an attempt to join the first breakaway, with Sylvain Chavanel.
Sweezus follows Jacobi, in the slipstream.
Get away! says Jacobi.
Sweezus doesn't answer.
No free rides behind me! says Jacobi.
Sweezus keeps on coasting.
Jacobi slows down. Sweezus rides past him.
Now Sweezus should have a good chance to join the first breakaway,
But the first breakaway has failed, and been absorbed by the main peloton.
Jacobi rejoins his team mates.
What went wrong? asks David.
Nothing, says Jacobi. Who'd like a cheese?
He hands them a Baby Bel cheese each.
These things taste like plastic, says David.
He discards the cheese.
It is picked up almost at once by a French infant, and pocketed.
Thus the afternoon rolls on, up and down various mountains.
Attackers attacking.
Arthur has caught up with Richie.
Arthur, says Richie, looking up. How's it going?
Okay, says Arthur. Gaius is pretty reliable. But I miss Pablo.
Yeah, Pablo, says Richie. Good rider, good poet. Hey, wanna hear my new poem?
Go ahead, says Arthur. Is it Chinese?
Kind of, says Richie. I'm trying to get a new sort of hybrid voice going. This is the first line:
Demons exult in human failure.
That's good says Arthur. Sounds like Du Fu.
It is Du Fu, says Richie. Now I have to, kind of, you know, develop it.
So that's all you've got, says Arthur.
So far, says Richie. But I've got heaps of ideas.
Great, says Arthur. Let's talk about them later.
Sure, says Richie,
He pedals away, not wanting to lose fifth position in the GC.
......
At the Station de Rousses, the clowns are talking, like normal people.
Grimaldi: There's a woodwork museum somewhere near here.
Pickelherring. What do they exhibit?
Grimaldi. Woodwork.
Pickelherring: What kind?
Grimaldi: Local fabrications. Clocks, cheese boxes and skis, if I'm not mistaken.
Pickelhering. We might go.
Grimaldi: We might. There is also an historical fortress, the Fort des Rousses, which was used for commando training until 1997, and has an underground labyrinth which is open to the public.
Pickelherring: We must go! Would you like that Terence?
Terence: NO!
They bend down to try and persuade him, and miss seeing the finish.
Lilian Calmejane soloes to victory, a Frenchman.
Bravo!
Friday, July 7, 2017
Stage Seven: Troyes to Nuits-Saint-Georges - Paradox
A long flat stage today.
Perhaps there will be no dramas.
The Tour rolls out of Troyes.
Belle spots Terence, standing next to a suitcase.
Terence, says Belle. All alone?
All alone except for two horrible clowns who never leave him.
NO! says Terence.
The two clowns step up smartly.
Hello clowns, says Belle. I didn't see you.
Grimaldi performs a short mime, as if to explain it.
Ha ha, laughs Belle, as if she understands the short mime.
She feels she should thank the clowns for looking after Terence, and freeing her to be a soigneuse.
She invites them to a picnic, on Monday.
They bow low, their hands sweeping their oversize shoes.
Have any of you seen Tiny? asks Belle.
The clowns shake their heads solemnly.
Terence points to the suitcase.
Can he come out? asks Belle. I have something to say to him.
Pickelherring produces a speaking trumpet from his trousers.
She takes it, and speaks to the suitcase.
TINY, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH, YOUR SISTER NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION.
A sound comes faintly from the depths of the suitcase.
Lt Mh Uht!
Are you holding Tiny in there against his will? asks Belle.
Yes! say Terence. He's dead and alive.
He's obviously alive, says Belle, ignoring Schrodinger's paradox completely.
And so should we.
The riders are well out of Troyes.
Chris Froome has heard talk of crosswinds and is keeping Team Sky at the front in case something happens.
As it happens, though, nothing much happens.
Until the final sprint brings a little excitement.
Marcel Kittel and Edvald Boassen Hagen cross the line with six millimetres between them.
So it's not totally like nothing happens.......
Perhaps there will be no dramas.
The Tour rolls out of Troyes.
Belle spots Terence, standing next to a suitcase.
Terence, says Belle. All alone?
All alone except for two horrible clowns who never leave him.
NO! says Terence.
The two clowns step up smartly.
Hello clowns, says Belle. I didn't see you.
Grimaldi performs a short mime, as if to explain it.
Ha ha, laughs Belle, as if she understands the short mime.
She feels she should thank the clowns for looking after Terence, and freeing her to be a soigneuse.
She invites them to a picnic, on Monday.
They bow low, their hands sweeping their oversize shoes.
Have any of you seen Tiny? asks Belle.
The clowns shake their heads solemnly.
Terence points to the suitcase.
Can he come out? asks Belle. I have something to say to him.
Pickelherring produces a speaking trumpet from his trousers.
She takes it, and speaks to the suitcase.
TINY, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH, YOUR SISTER NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION.
A sound comes faintly from the depths of the suitcase.
Lt Mh Uht!
Are you holding Tiny in there against his will? asks Belle.
Yes! say Terence. He's dead and alive.
He's obviously alive, says Belle, ignoring Schrodinger's paradox completely.
And so should we.
The riders are well out of Troyes.
Chris Froome has heard talk of crosswinds and is keeping Team Sky at the front in case something happens.
As it happens, though, nothing much happens.
Until the final sprint brings a little excitement.
Marcel Kittel and Edvald Boassen Hagen cross the line with six millimetres between them.
So it's not totally like nothing happens.......
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Stage Six: Vesoul to Troyes - As Usual
A new day. Anything is possible.
The riders ride out of Vesoul.
Vello is humming a fast jiggy tune by Jacques Brel.
Vesoul! says David. By Jacques Brel!
That's it, says Vello.
They ride on together, humming.
Do you know the words? asks Vello.
Just the first verse, says David.
He sings (in French):
You have wished to see Vierzon
And you have seen Vierzon
You have wished to see Vesoul
And you have seen Vesoul
You have wished to see Honfleur
And you have seen Honfleur.
An appropriate song for the Tour, says Jacobi.
It's not finished, says David.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. Neither is the Tour.
David sings the last few lines loudly:
You have wished to see my sister
And you have seen my mother
As usual.
That's a puzzle, says Jacobi. What does it mean?
Perhaps something naughty, perhaps not, but it has helped to pass the time to the intermediate sprint in Columbey-les-deux-églises.
Columbey is the village of Charles de Gaulle.
The story goes that in 1960, the peloton stopped at Columbey so that de Gaulle could meet the riders, and a rider who had stopped for a minor repair and was trying to catch up with the peloton saw them all stopped and sailed past them, winning the stage. Hah!
A fact that has not been forgotten by those who remember.
And here comes Frederick Backaert powering through to win intermediate sprint points.
The clowns watch Frederick Backaerts.
They are not watching the suitcase.
Terence is trying to edge the suitcase onto the road.
Perhaps one of the riders will crash into it.
And out will burst Tiny.
But no.
Oops! says Grimaldi. That's an obstruction. Call a policeman!
Pickelherring produces a baton, from inside his trousers.
Terence gives up.
He watches Team Condor ride by.
Sweezus doesn't even see him. Nor does Arthur. Gaius is sweating.
Baby Pierre zooms past, weaving in and out of the wheels of the riders.
Ouvert follows, spots Terence and stops.
Woo! says Ouvert. Are we winning?
Yes, says Terence. You're winning. I wish I was.
What's up? says Ouvert.
Clowns, says Terence, indicating.
Ouvert would look sympathetic, if he understood the problem. But he doesn't.
He gets back on his bike. See you at the finish!
Let's head to the finish, in Troyes. It's been a good day for the sprinters who are not Cavendish or Sagan, and therefore still in it.
Marcel Kittel has wished to come first
And he has come first
Arnaud Démare has wished to come first
And he has come second
André Greipel has wished to come first
And he has come third.
As usual
The riders ride out of Vesoul.
Vello is humming a fast jiggy tune by Jacques Brel.
Vesoul! says David. By Jacques Brel!
That's it, says Vello.
They ride on together, humming.
Do you know the words? asks Vello.
Just the first verse, says David.
He sings (in French):
You have wished to see Vierzon
And you have seen Vierzon
You have wished to see Vesoul
And you have seen Vesoul
You have wished to see Honfleur
And you have seen Honfleur.
An appropriate song for the Tour, says Jacobi.
It's not finished, says David.
Ha ha, laughs Vello. Neither is the Tour.
David sings the last few lines loudly:
You have wished to see my sister
And you have seen my mother
As usual.
That's a puzzle, says Jacobi. What does it mean?
Perhaps something naughty, perhaps not, but it has helped to pass the time to the intermediate sprint in Columbey-les-deux-églises.
Columbey is the village of Charles de Gaulle.
The story goes that in 1960, the peloton stopped at Columbey so that de Gaulle could meet the riders, and a rider who had stopped for a minor repair and was trying to catch up with the peloton saw them all stopped and sailed past them, winning the stage. Hah!
A fact that has not been forgotten by those who remember.
And here comes Frederick Backaert powering through to win intermediate sprint points.
The clowns watch Frederick Backaerts.
They are not watching the suitcase.
Terence is trying to edge the suitcase onto the road.
Perhaps one of the riders will crash into it.
And out will burst Tiny.
But no.
Oops! says Grimaldi. That's an obstruction. Call a policeman!
Pickelherring produces a baton, from inside his trousers.
Terence gives up.
He watches Team Condor ride by.
Sweezus doesn't even see him. Nor does Arthur. Gaius is sweating.
Baby Pierre zooms past, weaving in and out of the wheels of the riders.
Ouvert follows, spots Terence and stops.
Woo! says Ouvert. Are we winning?
Yes, says Terence. You're winning. I wish I was.
What's up? says Ouvert.
Clowns, says Terence, indicating.
Ouvert would look sympathetic, if he understood the problem. But he doesn't.
He gets back on his bike. See you at the finish!
Let's head to the finish, in Troyes. It's been a good day for the sprinters who are not Cavendish or Sagan, and therefore still in it.
Marcel Kittel has wished to come first
And he has come first
Arnaud Démare has wished to come first
And he has come second
André Greipel has wished to come first
And he has come third.
As usual
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Stage Five: Vittel to La Planche des Belles Filles - Slow Roasted
The clowns are watching the start of Stage Five in Vittel.
From their pockets, they produce bottles of water.
Anyone who wants one can have one.
No one wants one.
The teams roll out of Vittel.
I hear Belle has some especially nice snacks for us, says Vello.
Good, says David. Especially nice. That rules out Power Bars.
I quite like them, says Jacobi.
Goodness! A breakaway already! says Vello.
Good luck to them, says David. It's between Porte and Froomey today.
Team BMC moves to the head of the peloton in front of Team Sky.
It remains like this for ages.
They pass through normal French countryside, fields full of slowly rotating giant bicycles made out of farm implements and hay bales.
At the feeding station, Belle waits with slow roasted frogs.
Sweezus grabs a musette and keeps going.
He wants the green jersey today.
Arthur slows down. What's in it?
Frogs! says Belle. Papa loves them.
Arthur thinks he might try to swap his frog for a Power Bar, if anyone is willing.
Gaius takes one. I hope you like slow roasted frogs! cries Belle.
I do! says Gaius. He slows down.
He stops, although he shouldn't. Water always keeps going.
Could I ask you a favour? asks Gaius.
Sure, says Belle.
If you see Third Sister, would you give her something to eat?
Crikey! says Belle. Is no one feeding Third Sister? I thought Tiny would do it. He's her brother.
He's been missing for two days, says Gaius.
Leave it to me! says Belle.
She watches out for Third Sister.
Vello, David and Jacobi ride up, panting.
Here you are, boys, says Belle. Slow roasted frogs from Vittel.
Heaven! cries Vello.
David looks less delighted.
Jacobi decides not to take one.
Baby Pierre and Ouvert of Team Claw whizz by, hardly visible at all for some reason.
But Third Sister is lagging.
Looped legs, black bike and black bike knicks, and ......is she there or isn't she?
Yes. Belle hands her a slow roasted frog.
Oh, Belle! says Third Sister. Thank you!
Belle resolves to take better care of Third Sister in future. And also to find Tiny Sacrifice, and tell him off.
........
At the top of La Planche des Belles Filles, Terence is waiting, stony-faced, between the two clowns.
Pickelherring wears the trick braces.
He is performing a dance.
One side of the braces comes undone and he swings it until it coils round his neck.
He uncoils it, and hooks it into the crotch of his trousers.
Grimaldi tries to get back control of his braces.
He wants to put them back in the suitcase.
The one Tiny might be dead or alive in.
These are the sorts of inexplicable things that clowns do.
No one is even watching.
They are watching Fabio Aru.
Fabio is pedalling like someone who has swapped a Power Bar for a slow roasted frog, and got a super boost of energy.
(Note: It doesn't work for every one).
The crowd cheers for Fabio Aru.
From their pockets, they produce bottles of water.
Anyone who wants one can have one.
No one wants one.
The teams roll out of Vittel.
I hear Belle has some especially nice snacks for us, says Vello.
Good, says David. Especially nice. That rules out Power Bars.
I quite like them, says Jacobi.
Goodness! A breakaway already! says Vello.
Good luck to them, says David. It's between Porte and Froomey today.
Team BMC moves to the head of the peloton in front of Team Sky.
It remains like this for ages.
They pass through normal French countryside, fields full of slowly rotating giant bicycles made out of farm implements and hay bales.
At the feeding station, Belle waits with slow roasted frogs.
Sweezus grabs a musette and keeps going.
He wants the green jersey today.
Arthur slows down. What's in it?
Frogs! says Belle. Papa loves them.
Arthur thinks he might try to swap his frog for a Power Bar, if anyone is willing.
Gaius takes one. I hope you like slow roasted frogs! cries Belle.
I do! says Gaius. He slows down.
He stops, although he shouldn't. Water always keeps going.
Could I ask you a favour? asks Gaius.
Sure, says Belle.
If you see Third Sister, would you give her something to eat?
Crikey! says Belle. Is no one feeding Third Sister? I thought Tiny would do it. He's her brother.
He's been missing for two days, says Gaius.
Leave it to me! says Belle.
She watches out for Third Sister.
Vello, David and Jacobi ride up, panting.
Here you are, boys, says Belle. Slow roasted frogs from Vittel.
Heaven! cries Vello.
David looks less delighted.
Jacobi decides not to take one.
Baby Pierre and Ouvert of Team Claw whizz by, hardly visible at all for some reason.
But Third Sister is lagging.
Looped legs, black bike and black bike knicks, and ......is she there or isn't she?
Yes. Belle hands her a slow roasted frog.
Oh, Belle! says Third Sister. Thank you!
Belle resolves to take better care of Third Sister in future. And also to find Tiny Sacrifice, and tell him off.
........
At the top of La Planche des Belles Filles, Terence is waiting, stony-faced, between the two clowns.
Pickelherring wears the trick braces.
He is performing a dance.
One side of the braces comes undone and he swings it until it coils round his neck.
He uncoils it, and hooks it into the crotch of his trousers.
Grimaldi tries to get back control of his braces.
He wants to put them back in the suitcase.
The one Tiny might be dead or alive in.
These are the sorts of inexplicable things that clowns do.
No one is even watching.
They are watching Fabio Aru.
Fabio is pedalling like someone who has swapped a Power Bar for a slow roasted frog, and got a super boost of energy.
(Note: It doesn't work for every one).
The crowd cheers for Fabio Aru.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Stage Four: Mondorf-les-Bains to Vittel - The Elbow
Stage four. Another fine day for the sprinters.
Mondorf-les-Bains is a spa town, with richly mineralised waters.
I feel energised this morning, says Vello.
Did you go to the spa? asks David.
No, says Vello. Just thinking about it is sufficient.
I agree, says Jacobi.
No need to turn it into a philosophical argument, says David.
It was an observation, says Jacobi.
Sweezus rides past, closely followed by Arthur.
They both look determined.
Gaius is not far behind.
He slows when he catches up to Vello.
The lads look determined today, says Vello.
They can thank me for that, says Gaius. Yesterday they were flagging, until I suggested they remember Bruce Lee.
Bruce Lee? asks Jacobi.
Ha ha! laughs Vello. Philistine! You don't know Bruce Lee!
Film star, says David. Martial arts Kung Fu master, and philosopher.
What was his take on things? asks Jacobi.
Be water, says Gaius.
Be like water, surely, says Jacobi. One can't BE water.
You are missing the point, says Gaius. Nothing is weaker than water but when it attacks something hard or resistant, nothing withstands it.
It remains water, says Jacobi.
Exactly, says Gaius.
I meant that negatively, says Jacobi.
Mean it however you like, says Gaius. Now I must leave you to catch up to my speeding companions.
That was ambiguous, says Vello. Should we speed up too?
They begin to debate that.
......
Terence is standing in between Grimaldi and Pickelherring.
He can't decide which clown he hates most.
They have stupid suitcases that get smaller and smaller.
The fifth one is too small for Tiny Sacrifice to fit into. But he wasn't in any of the others.
Open that one, says Terence. Maybe he's dead.
Schrodinger's baby snake, says Grimaldi. Is he dead, or isn't he?
Or is he both! cries Pickelherring. Like ME!
He lies down on the race track.
Get up, get up! cries Grimaldi. I'll open the suitcase.
He opens the fifth suitcase.
Inside is a pair of red braces.
My trick braces! cries Grimaldi. I thought I'd lost them!
Pickelherring jumps up and grabs the trick braces.
He ties them round his head, like a prize fighter, and dances about, punching the air.
Get them off! shouts Grimaldi.
Terence is in despair.
It's not funny.
But at least this is taking our attention from alternative happenings.
Not far out from the finish in Vittel, Arnaud Démare is winning. Peter Sagan is battling with Mark Cavendish, and Alex Kristoff for second place. They are very near the barrier. Mark Cavendish has nowhere to go. Peter Sagan's elbow .....
It doesn't look good.
Later, Peter Sagan's elbow is disqualified, along with Peter Sagan.
Mondorf-les-Bains is a spa town, with richly mineralised waters.
I feel energised this morning, says Vello.
Did you go to the spa? asks David.
No, says Vello. Just thinking about it is sufficient.
I agree, says Jacobi.
No need to turn it into a philosophical argument, says David.
It was an observation, says Jacobi.
Sweezus rides past, closely followed by Arthur.
They both look determined.
Gaius is not far behind.
He slows when he catches up to Vello.
The lads look determined today, says Vello.
They can thank me for that, says Gaius. Yesterday they were flagging, until I suggested they remember Bruce Lee.
Bruce Lee? asks Jacobi.
Ha ha! laughs Vello. Philistine! You don't know Bruce Lee!
Film star, says David. Martial arts Kung Fu master, and philosopher.
What was his take on things? asks Jacobi.
Be water, says Gaius.
Be like water, surely, says Jacobi. One can't BE water.
You are missing the point, says Gaius. Nothing is weaker than water but when it attacks something hard or resistant, nothing withstands it.
It remains water, says Jacobi.
Exactly, says Gaius.
I meant that negatively, says Jacobi.
Mean it however you like, says Gaius. Now I must leave you to catch up to my speeding companions.
That was ambiguous, says Vello. Should we speed up too?
They begin to debate that.
......
Terence is standing in between Grimaldi and Pickelherring.
He can't decide which clown he hates most.
They have stupid suitcases that get smaller and smaller.
The fifth one is too small for Tiny Sacrifice to fit into. But he wasn't in any of the others.
Open that one, says Terence. Maybe he's dead.
Schrodinger's baby snake, says Grimaldi. Is he dead, or isn't he?
Or is he both! cries Pickelherring. Like ME!
He lies down on the race track.
Get up, get up! cries Grimaldi. I'll open the suitcase.
He opens the fifth suitcase.
Inside is a pair of red braces.
My trick braces! cries Grimaldi. I thought I'd lost them!
Pickelherring jumps up and grabs the trick braces.
He ties them round his head, like a prize fighter, and dances about, punching the air.
Get them off! shouts Grimaldi.
Terence is in despair.
It's not funny.
But at least this is taking our attention from alternative happenings.
Not far out from the finish in Vittel, Arnaud Démare is winning. Peter Sagan is battling with Mark Cavendish, and Alex Kristoff for second place. They are very near the barrier. Mark Cavendish has nowhere to go. Peter Sagan's elbow .....
It doesn't look good.
Later, Peter Sagan's elbow is disqualified, along with Peter Sagan.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Stage Three: Verviers to Longwy - Confidence
It's a hilly stage today. This will suit Peter Sagan.
The riders ride out of Verviers.
Now, Ouvert, says Baby Pierre. Remember our tactic?
Yes, says Ouvert. Stay on the bicycle.
That's not a tactic, says Third Sister. Our tactic's a secret. Don't say it out loud.
Chris Froome cycles past with Geraint Thomas in the yellow.
Their ears are flapping, says Third Sister.
I remember the tactic, says Ouvert.
Now that we know that they all know the tactic, and Chris Froome doesn't, let us move forward.
Vello and David are cycling along the road in a leisurely fashion.
A camera sails by on a motor bike.
Vello smiles at the camera.
Show pony! says David.
Good for the fans, says Vello. They like us smiling.
What fans? asks David.
All these people, gestures Vello. And all those watching on television at home.
David glances at the crowd banging plastic bats against a green barrier, and tooting toy horns.
He imagines those watching at home, getting annoyed at repetitive car ads for Skoda.
A wave of ennui overtakes him. It is always the same.
They are already in Luxemburg
Gaius rides up behind them.
Seen Terence? asks Gaius.
We passed him back there, says Vello. He was talking to a couple of strange-looking characters.
Clowns again, says Gaius. Should I be worried?
I don't think so, says David. Clowns love children.
Yes, clowns love children, says Vello.
Gaius is relieved.
He speeds up to draw level with Sweezus and Arthur.
Cheer up lads, says Gaius. Remember what Bruce Lee says. Be water. I didn't like it when I first heard it, but I have come round.
Great, says Sweezus. How is that helping?
Resilience, says Gaius. Water exhibits resilience.
It's just freaking water, says Sweezus. Sometimes it leaks away.
Watch me, says Gaius. And follow.
He leads out and Arthur follows.
So Sweezus does the same.
Terence is trying to find Tiny.
Where IS he? asks Terence.
Grimaldi opens his trick suitcase with a flourish.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. What's in there?
Another suitcase, says Terence. I already know that.
But what's inside that one? asks Grimaldi.
He opens the suitcase, to reveal: An even smaller suitcase.
This is rubbish, says Terence.
Noo! cries Pickelherring. It might be the fanged demon!
Yes. It's a long race today.
But at last we're approaching the finish in Longwy at the top of the long climb of the Religieuses.
Richie Porte has a bit of a crack. It's good for the confidence.
But it looks like a battle between Peter Sagan, Michael Matthews and Dan Martin.
Argh! Peter Sagan's foot slips out of his pedal in the last few hundred metres!
But no! He sticks it back in and recovers without losing speed.
The riders ride out of Verviers.
Now, Ouvert, says Baby Pierre. Remember our tactic?
Yes, says Ouvert. Stay on the bicycle.
That's not a tactic, says Third Sister. Our tactic's a secret. Don't say it out loud.
Chris Froome cycles past with Geraint Thomas in the yellow.
Their ears are flapping, says Third Sister.
I remember the tactic, says Ouvert.
Now that we know that they all know the tactic, and Chris Froome doesn't, let us move forward.
Vello and David are cycling along the road in a leisurely fashion.
A camera sails by on a motor bike.
Vello smiles at the camera.
Show pony! says David.
Good for the fans, says Vello. They like us smiling.
What fans? asks David.
All these people, gestures Vello. And all those watching on television at home.
David glances at the crowd banging plastic bats against a green barrier, and tooting toy horns.
He imagines those watching at home, getting annoyed at repetitive car ads for Skoda.
A wave of ennui overtakes him. It is always the same.
They are already in Luxemburg
Gaius rides up behind them.
Seen Terence? asks Gaius.
We passed him back there, says Vello. He was talking to a couple of strange-looking characters.
Clowns again, says Gaius. Should I be worried?
I don't think so, says David. Clowns love children.
Yes, clowns love children, says Vello.
Gaius is relieved.
He speeds up to draw level with Sweezus and Arthur.
Cheer up lads, says Gaius. Remember what Bruce Lee says. Be water. I didn't like it when I first heard it, but I have come round.
Great, says Sweezus. How is that helping?
Resilience, says Gaius. Water exhibits resilience.
It's just freaking water, says Sweezus. Sometimes it leaks away.
Watch me, says Gaius. And follow.
He leads out and Arthur follows.
So Sweezus does the same.
Terence is trying to find Tiny.
Where IS he? asks Terence.
Grimaldi opens his trick suitcase with a flourish.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. What's in there?
Another suitcase, says Terence. I already know that.
But what's inside that one? asks Grimaldi.
He opens the suitcase, to reveal: An even smaller suitcase.
This is rubbish, says Terence.
Noo! cries Pickelherring. It might be the fanged demon!
Yes. It's a long race today.
But at last we're approaching the finish in Longwy at the top of the long climb of the Religieuses.
Richie Porte has a bit of a crack. It's good for the confidence.
But it looks like a battle between Peter Sagan, Michael Matthews and Dan Martin.
Argh! Peter Sagan's foot slips out of his pedal in the last few hundred metres!
But no! He sticks it back in and recovers without losing speed.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Stage Two: Düsseldorf to Liège - First Crash
A grey day. Raindrops are assembling.
Belle is back from the dentist.
She has purchased suitable snacks.
Vello: No unwrapped sausages?
Belle: No sausages. Power bars and gels.
Jacobi: I had no idea where to buy them. Hence the sausages.
David: We did do badly yesterday, but I don't blame your sausages.
Jacobi: Very gracious of you. We must blame the rain.
Belle: And it looks like more to come. You'd better get to the start line. Good luck everyone.
Team Philosophe rolls away to the start line, feeling focused.
Belle wanders over to Team Condor.
Sweezus: How's your tooth?
Belle: Patched up temporarily. Have you guys got snacks organised?
Sweezus. Shit. I knew there was something I'd forgotten.
Gaius: I had an apple. Now where did I put it....?
Arthur: You already ate it.
Belle: I thought so. You guys are hopeless. Well, I've brought extra snacks, so look for me at the feeding station.
Sweezus: Belle, you're a lifesaver!
Belle: Where's Terence?
Sweezus: Over there somewhere. He's latched himself onto a clown.
Belle: A clown! I don't believe it!
......
The race is on, through German streets, into the country past schlosses and obstgärtens.
The rain drops. The road becomes slippery.
Richie Porte cycles up beside Sweezus.
Bad luck yesterday, says Sweezus.
Better luck today, man, says Richie.
Yeah buddy, says Sweezus.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
.......
Amongst the crowd, dotted with coloured umbrellas, stand two clowns.
Terence is beside them.
Tiny Sacrifice is nowhere to be seen.
Where is he? asks Terence.
Guess, says Pickelherring.
You'll die soon, says Terence. Tiny bit you.
Pickelherring pretends to die.
Grimaldi places his suitcase on top of Pickelherring.
What does that mean?
Terence doesn't know.
.....
Thirty kilometres from the finish there is an incident. Wheels touch, tyres slip, a crash.
Chris Froome is down, Romain Bardet and oh no! Richie Porte!
Froome loses skin off his bottom, and Richie loses skin off his knee.
But they get back on their bikes and they finish.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
......
It's good to get the first crash out of the way, observes Richie.
Belle is back from the dentist.
She has purchased suitable snacks.
Vello: No unwrapped sausages?
Belle: No sausages. Power bars and gels.
Jacobi: I had no idea where to buy them. Hence the sausages.
David: We did do badly yesterday, but I don't blame your sausages.
Jacobi: Very gracious of you. We must blame the rain.
Belle: And it looks like more to come. You'd better get to the start line. Good luck everyone.
Team Philosophe rolls away to the start line, feeling focused.
Belle wanders over to Team Condor.
Sweezus: How's your tooth?
Belle: Patched up temporarily. Have you guys got snacks organised?
Sweezus. Shit. I knew there was something I'd forgotten.
Gaius: I had an apple. Now where did I put it....?
Arthur: You already ate it.
Belle: I thought so. You guys are hopeless. Well, I've brought extra snacks, so look for me at the feeding station.
Sweezus: Belle, you're a lifesaver!
Belle: Where's Terence?
Sweezus: Over there somewhere. He's latched himself onto a clown.
Belle: A clown! I don't believe it!
......
The race is on, through German streets, into the country past schlosses and obstgärtens.
The rain drops. The road becomes slippery.
Richie Porte cycles up beside Sweezus.
Bad luck yesterday, says Sweezus.
Better luck today, man, says Richie.
Yeah buddy, says Sweezus.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
.......
Amongst the crowd, dotted with coloured umbrellas, stand two clowns.
Terence is beside them.
Tiny Sacrifice is nowhere to be seen.
Where is he? asks Terence.
Guess, says Pickelherring.
You'll die soon, says Terence. Tiny bit you.
Pickelherring pretends to die.
Grimaldi places his suitcase on top of Pickelherring.
What does that mean?
Terence doesn't know.
.....
Thirty kilometres from the finish there is an incident. Wheels touch, tyres slip, a crash.
Chris Froome is down, Romain Bardet and oh no! Richie Porte!
Froome loses skin off his bottom, and Richie loses skin off his knee.
But they get back on their bikes and they finish.
Marcel Kittel swooshes by.
......
It's good to get the first crash out of the way, observes Richie.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Stage One: Düsseldorf Time Trials - Two Clowns
Stage One of the Tour de France. Time trials in Düsseldorf.
It's raining and this is not good.
Terence waits by the canal.
Tiny Sacrifice is beside him, watching for clowns looming up in the background.
Zhooom! Sweezus pelts by.
Faster! cries Terence.
Sweezus slides, almost topples, and rights himself on the corner.
You shouldn't have shouted, says Tiny.
He's winning! says Terence.
It's a time trial, says Tiny. He's only beating the clock.
Along comes Alejandro Valverde.
So far so good.
...and Chris Froome.
So far so confident.
...and Geraint Thomas.
So fast.
Vello cycles past, cautious because it is raining, and chewing a sausage.
Jacobi has bought some unsuitable snacks.
Belle would never have provided a sausage as a snack for a time trial. The sausage is not even wrapped.
Ha ha! cries Terence. He's eating a sausage.
Luckily Vello is too much of a philosopher to care what he looks like.
He is followed by Gaius.
Gaius is also being cautious.
Alejandro Valverde has crashed.
Gaius glances sideways at Terence.
A clown stands behind him.
But what can he do? He trusts Tiny Sacrifice will look after Terence.
Tiny Sacrifice has turned and through the raindrops has seen the clown looming.
A white face, a red crest of hair, spotted baggy clothing and a large suitcase.
Tiny knows he is supposed to bite him.
Something holds him back.
Hoo, says the clown, although clowns are not meant to say anything.
Terence turns around.
Wah! cries Terence
Hoo! says Grimaldi. Who wants to see what's inside my suitcase?
NO ONE! cries Terence. Bite him, Tiny!
Another clown appears out of nowhere.
Pickelherring wants to know what's in my suitcase, says Grimaldi.
Pickelherring nods.
Grimaldi opens the suitcase.
Inside the suitcase is a smaller suitcase.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. OW!
Tiny has bitten him.
Terence skips away.
He misses seeing Baby Pierre speeding by, but so do most people.
And Tiny misses seeing Third Sister, who does really well.
Geraint Thomas has ridden the fastest time in the time trial and will wear the yellow jersey.
Four Team Sky riders are in the top eight.
Richie Porte is a bit disappointed.
It's raining and this is not good.
Terence waits by the canal.
Tiny Sacrifice is beside him, watching for clowns looming up in the background.
Zhooom! Sweezus pelts by.
Faster! cries Terence.
Sweezus slides, almost topples, and rights himself on the corner.
You shouldn't have shouted, says Tiny.
He's winning! says Terence.
It's a time trial, says Tiny. He's only beating the clock.
Along comes Alejandro Valverde.
So far so good.
...and Chris Froome.
So far so confident.
...and Geraint Thomas.
So fast.
Vello cycles past, cautious because it is raining, and chewing a sausage.
Jacobi has bought some unsuitable snacks.
Belle would never have provided a sausage as a snack for a time trial. The sausage is not even wrapped.
Ha ha! cries Terence. He's eating a sausage.
Luckily Vello is too much of a philosopher to care what he looks like.
He is followed by Gaius.
Gaius is also being cautious.
Alejandro Valverde has crashed.
Gaius glances sideways at Terence.
A clown stands behind him.
But what can he do? He trusts Tiny Sacrifice will look after Terence.
Tiny Sacrifice has turned and through the raindrops has seen the clown looming.
A white face, a red crest of hair, spotted baggy clothing and a large suitcase.
Tiny knows he is supposed to bite him.
Something holds him back.
Hoo, says the clown, although clowns are not meant to say anything.
Terence turns around.
Wah! cries Terence
Hoo! says Grimaldi. Who wants to see what's inside my suitcase?
NO ONE! cries Terence. Bite him, Tiny!
Another clown appears out of nowhere.
Pickelherring wants to know what's in my suitcase, says Grimaldi.
Pickelherring nods.
Grimaldi opens the suitcase.
Inside the suitcase is a smaller suitcase.
Hoo hoo! laughs Pickelherring. OW!
Tiny has bitten him.
Terence skips away.
He misses seeing Baby Pierre speeding by, but so do most people.
And Tiny misses seeing Third Sister, who does really well.
Geraint Thomas has ridden the fastest time in the time trial and will wear the yellow jersey.
Four Team Sky riders are in the top eight.
Richie Porte is a bit disappointed.
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