The trainee glares down at Spinoza.
Not you again! says the trainee.
No, says Spinoza, not me.
He wonders if that's the right answer.
If you're drunk I shall have to report you, says the trainee, stepping neatly over Spinoza, and proceeding to the end of the carriage where Stacey is admiring her zircon.
Stacey... says the trainee.
There you are, says Stacey. I want a word with you. You left this bottle and this oily rag in the bin. Please take it away.
But Stacey, I have to report.....says the trainee.
That man down there? It's just cough medicine, says Stacey, if that's what you have to report.
No, not that, says the trainee. There's a snake on the train.
Then why aren't you in more of a hurry? says Stacey.
It's sleeping, says the trainee.
Stacey and the trainee go off to deal with the snake.
Vindicated! says Arthur. There's a snake on the train. Zircons don't work and that proves it.
Hear hear, says David.
Nonsense, says Gaius. Stacey will deal with it, now she has the zircon.
Hee hee! says Vello. We'll soon see. Who's got the retsina?
They pass round the bottle.
Eeeeuuch! says Ageless. That is foul!
He burps and turns melancholy.
Ahhh, sighs Ageless. Oh to be home. How I miss Kobo. I wonder what she's reading now? Probably something on sand.....
Vello turns melancholy too.
You are fortunate to have Kobo, he says. I have no one.
You have Belle et Bonne, says David, who has also turned melancholy. It's I who have no one.
You have your mother, says Vello.
And she has a squeaking car, says David gloomily. Every time she reverses. I'm sure I won't know how to fix it.
Spinoza limps up with the bottle.
Anyone for retsina? he asks.
But it's here, says Vello. He looks at the bottle,
Oh no! It's the turps they've been drinking.
No wonder they're all feeling bad.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Chaos on the Night Train
What's that smell? asks David, waking up from his dream.
Pooh! says Vello. Smells like turps.
Spinoza comes back, with a bottle, followed by Stacey.
What is that smell? says Stacey, heading straight for the bin. She looks in.
Tch! THAT'S where he left it, she says. That dopey trainee!
She reaches into the bin and pulls out an oily rag wrapped round a bottle of turps.
Sorry about that everyone, she says. No wonder you all couldn't sleep.
Where's the zircon? asks Gaius. Is the zircon in there?
Zircon, what zircon? asks Stacey. There's nothing else there.
Not that bin, says Arthur. The other one.
Gaius opens the other one.
Let me out, says the zircon, from deep inside.
Gaius picks up the zircon.
A zircon! says Stacey. I always wanted a zircon.
You can have it, says Arthur. It's yours.
The zircon beams up at Stacey.
No snakes on your train from now on, says the zircon.
Stacey looks happy about that.
Hurrah! says Vello. No snakes on the train! Let's celebrate. Who's got something to drink?
I have, says Spinoza. Stacey found this. He waves his bottle in front of Vello.
What is it? says Vello, trying to look at the label. Retsina?
Yes, says Stacey. He wanted something piney and strong.
Let's all have some, says Arthur. Let's drink out of the bottle.
They pass the bottle around.
Haaaaa-aah! very strong, is retsina.
Spinoza is the first to get legless.
Whee-hee! says Spinoza, running up and down the aisle, skipping lightly over Gaius's claws, but having worse luck with the rolling pencils.
Whoops! Bang! He's on the floor with his legs in the air, just as the trainee walks in.
Pooh! says Vello. Smells like turps.
Spinoza comes back, with a bottle, followed by Stacey.
What is that smell? says Stacey, heading straight for the bin. She looks in.
Tch! THAT'S where he left it, she says. That dopey trainee!
She reaches into the bin and pulls out an oily rag wrapped round a bottle of turps.
Sorry about that everyone, she says. No wonder you all couldn't sleep.
Where's the zircon? asks Gaius. Is the zircon in there?
Zircon, what zircon? asks Stacey. There's nothing else there.
Not that bin, says Arthur. The other one.
Gaius opens the other one.
Let me out, says the zircon, from deep inside.
Gaius picks up the zircon.
A zircon! says Stacey. I always wanted a zircon.
You can have it, says Arthur. It's yours.
The zircon beams up at Stacey.
No snakes on your train from now on, says the zircon.
Stacey looks happy about that.
Hurrah! says Vello. No snakes on the train! Let's celebrate. Who's got something to drink?
I have, says Spinoza. Stacey found this. He waves his bottle in front of Vello.
What is it? says Vello, trying to look at the label. Retsina?
Yes, says Stacey. He wanted something piney and strong.
Let's all have some, says Arthur. Let's drink out of the bottle.
They pass the bottle around.
Haaaaa-aah! very strong, is retsina.
Spinoza is the first to get legless.
Whee-hee! says Spinoza, running up and down the aisle, skipping lightly over Gaius's claws, but having worse luck with the rolling pencils.
Whoops! Bang! He's on the floor with his legs in the air, just as the trainee walks in.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Wonderful Stuff Pine Tar
Spinoza sits down.
Tar water, says Gaius. I know everything there is to know about tar water.
I don't so much want to know about it, says Spinoza. I want to obtain some of it.
But Gaius isn't listening.
I imagine you read about it in Berkeley, says Gaius. Berkeley got his ideas from me. The ancients used pine tar for numerous purposes. Stopping up bottles, keeping their boats afloat, flavouring wine, curing ulcers, and preventing their goats from eating young trees .......
Yes, but... says Spinoza. I have a bad cough. I need some to stop myself coughing.
I swear by extra strong mints, says Gaius.
Do you have any of those? asks Spinoza.
Just let me see, says Gaius. He stands up. His notes, pencils and claws drop into the aisle.
He feels around in his pockets.
No, he says. I seem to have sucked the last one.
Then I must go and find Stacey, says Spinoza.
He goes to the end of the carriage and disappears through the door.
Gaius is still standing. He looks down the carriage and sees the antennae of Ageless, sticking up from the seat next to Arthur. He decides to walk down for a chat.
Not asleep then, you two? says Gaius.
No, says Arthur. I can't sleep.
And you, Ageless, says Gaius. You're higher than usual. I saw from from way back down there.
I'm sitting on The Great Philosophers, says Ageless.
Which Spinoza was reading, if I'm not mistaken, says Gaius. Now he's gone off to look for some tar water, recommended by Berkeley but of course Berkeley got it from me. Wonderful stuff pine tar.... keeps off insects and poisonous snakes.....
Tell that to your zircon, Arthur, says Ageless.
Can't, says Arthur. I threw it away.
Ageless is shocked. So is Gaius.
In the bin over there, says Arthur, pointing carelessly.
Gaius opens the metal lid of the bin.
A smell wafts out. A stringent and powerful smell.
Tar water, says Gaius. I know everything there is to know about tar water.
I don't so much want to know about it, says Spinoza. I want to obtain some of it.
But Gaius isn't listening.
I imagine you read about it in Berkeley, says Gaius. Berkeley got his ideas from me. The ancients used pine tar for numerous purposes. Stopping up bottles, keeping their boats afloat, flavouring wine, curing ulcers, and preventing their goats from eating young trees .......
Yes, but... says Spinoza. I have a bad cough. I need some to stop myself coughing.
I swear by extra strong mints, says Gaius.
Do you have any of those? asks Spinoza.
Just let me see, says Gaius. He stands up. His notes, pencils and claws drop into the aisle.
He feels around in his pockets.
No, he says. I seem to have sucked the last one.
Then I must go and find Stacey, says Spinoza.
He goes to the end of the carriage and disappears through the door.
Gaius is still standing. He looks down the carriage and sees the antennae of Ageless, sticking up from the seat next to Arthur. He decides to walk down for a chat.
Not asleep then, you two? says Gaius.
No, says Arthur. I can't sleep.
And you, Ageless, says Gaius. You're higher than usual. I saw from from way back down there.
I'm sitting on The Great Philosophers, says Ageless.
Which Spinoza was reading, if I'm not mistaken, says Gaius. Now he's gone off to look for some tar water, recommended by Berkeley but of course Berkeley got it from me. Wonderful stuff pine tar.... keeps off insects and poisonous snakes.....
Tell that to your zircon, Arthur, says Ageless.
Can't, says Arthur. I threw it away.
Ageless is shocked. So is Gaius.
In the bin over there, says Arthur, pointing carelessly.
Gaius opens the metal lid of the bin.
A smell wafts out. A stringent and powerful smell.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
An Irish Philosopher
Spinoza is reading intently.
Arthur has nothing to read.
What's that you're reading? asks Arthur.
Spinoza continues to read.
The Great Philosophers, says a voice from the picnic basket.
Arthur looks down and sees Ageless.
That's your book, says Arthur, surprised.
He's borrowed it, says Ageless. He's in it, that's why.
He's been reading for hours, says Arthur. It must be a riveting read.
Spinoza looks up from The Great Philosophers.
It is, says Spinoza. But it demands concentration. Do be quiet.
Sorry, says Arthur. Who are you up to?
Berkeley, says Baruch Spinoza.
He any good? asks Arthur.
Spinoza sighs heavily, which sets off his cough.
Ir..ish! he chokes.
Irish? says Arthur, patting him hard on the back. Are you asking for whiskey, or Irish Moss lozenges?
What? says Spinoza. No, no. Berkeley is Irish. His philosophical method is to conduct a series of thought experiments. But that is not what interests me as much as his recommendation of tar water.
Tar water, says Arthur. Never heard of it. For what?
Everything, says Spinoza. According to him it cures smallpox, ulcers, dropsy, distempers, indigestion and coughs.
You should ask Stacey if she's got any, says Arthur.
Do you think she will have? asks Spinoza.
No, says Arthur. But you may as well try.
Spinoza gets up and walks down the carriage until oops! He trips over Gaius's foot.
Whaaa! Gaius wakes up.
Sorry, says Spinoza. Your foot was sticking out.
No it wasn't, says Gaius.
Something was, says Spinoza.
Where are you going anyway, at this time of night? asks Gaius.
What a ridiculous question, says Spinoza. But the answer is not what you think.
What do I think? asks Gaius, confused.
I'm going to ask Stacey for some tar water, says Spinoza.
Tar water! Now Gaius is properly awake
Then go no further, my friend, says Gaius. Sit down.
Arthur has nothing to read.
What's that you're reading? asks Arthur.
Spinoza continues to read.
The Great Philosophers, says a voice from the picnic basket.
Arthur looks down and sees Ageless.
That's your book, says Arthur, surprised.
He's borrowed it, says Ageless. He's in it, that's why.
He's been reading for hours, says Arthur. It must be a riveting read.
Spinoza looks up from The Great Philosophers.
It is, says Spinoza. But it demands concentration. Do be quiet.
Sorry, says Arthur. Who are you up to?
Berkeley, says Baruch Spinoza.
He any good? asks Arthur.
Spinoza sighs heavily, which sets off his cough.
Ir..ish! he chokes.
Irish? says Arthur, patting him hard on the back. Are you asking for whiskey, or Irish Moss lozenges?
What? says Spinoza. No, no. Berkeley is Irish. His philosophical method is to conduct a series of thought experiments. But that is not what interests me as much as his recommendation of tar water.
Tar water, says Arthur. Never heard of it. For what?
Everything, says Spinoza. According to him it cures smallpox, ulcers, dropsy, distempers, indigestion and coughs.
You should ask Stacey if she's got any, says Arthur.
Do you think she will have? asks Spinoza.
No, says Arthur. But you may as well try.
Spinoza gets up and walks down the carriage until oops! He trips over Gaius's foot.
Whaaa! Gaius wakes up.
Sorry, says Spinoza. Your foot was sticking out.
No it wasn't, says Gaius.
Something was, says Spinoza.
Where are you going anyway, at this time of night? asks Gaius.
What a ridiculous question, says Spinoza. But the answer is not what you think.
What do I think? asks Gaius, confused.
I'm going to ask Stacey for some tar water, says Spinoza.
Tar water! Now Gaius is properly awake
Then go no further, my friend, says Gaius. Sit down.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
U.P.: up; A Curious Night On The Train
Vello wants to tell someone.
Not David. He's still asleep.
Not Arthur. He already knows.
Not Spinoza. You don't tell a determinist anything.
That leaves Gaius. He makes his way down the carriage.
U before O, says Vello. It's quite obvious now to me why.
Really? says Gaius. What do you mean?
I heard you and David ejaculating vowels in a perfectly natural order, says Vello. This occurred as a drama unfolded for each of you. Waking, in your case, and in David's, while he was asleep. You both ended with O. Or rather Ooooh!, which, granted, is different, but not all that much. So Arthur was mirroring a climactic effect. Which is why O comes last in his poem.
Well, well, says Gaius. If you say so.
Good. Vello hasn't mentioned the knife. But what was that about David? Never mind.....Best to steer away from all that.
It's like U.P.: up, says Vello. It took me a long time to get that.
You pee up? says Gaius, shocked.
Yes, in James Joyce's Ulysses, says Vello. Oh well, nightie night.
He goes back to his seat and sits down.
Before settling under his blanket he reaches forward and taps Arthur.
What is it? says Arthur.
U.P.: up, says Vello, winking.
Arthur is pleased Vello is talking to him again. But why did he say You pee up?
Of course he refuses to ask.
But now Arthur can't sleep.
He leans forward and taps Baruch Spinoza.
Can I sit next to you? he asks.
I'm reading, says Baruch Spinoza. But you can if you promise to keep quiet.
Just want to ask you something, says Arthur. Why would somebody say You pee up?
Who says I pee up? asks Spinoza.
Not you, me, says Arthur.
You....pee....up, says Spinoza.
Spinoza is not one of the world's great thinkers for nothing.
Oh! U. P.: up! says Spinoza. That's how you spell it. And there's the double meaning of course.
Arthur is silent. He knows how to spell it, but what is the double intent?
Friday, November 2, 2012
See What I Did There?
Gaius racks his brain for a clue.
It was Arthur who purloined the knife. Why didn't they think it was him?
Aah! says Gaius. What makes you think it was me?
This! says Stacey, pointing at Gaius's notes.
Sure enough, there is a perfect drawing of the glittering knife, bearing the logo of the National Railways.
Eeh! says Gaius. Aii!
He has incriminated himself. Why did he have to draw tools? The claws alone would have sufficed.
He rummages in his pocket. He finds the glittering knife, and draws it out. The trainee grabs it with a gloved hand and examines it closely.
Uuh! says the trainee, it's dirty.
And blunt, says Stacey severely.
My apologies, says Gaius. It was all in the interests of science.
Well, at least you've given it back, says Stacey, walking away.
Gaius sinks back into his seat, uttering a groan.
Oooooh! How embarrassing.
Have Vello and David been listening?
Vello is half asleep, half awake. His mind races with reasons why Arthur might have put U before O. He remembers vaguely something he wrote once in his Elemens de la Philosophie de Newton. What was it again? Something about an inverse relationship between the wavelength of light and the wavelength of sound.........
David is asleep beside Vello. He seems to be having a dream.
Aah! says David. Eeh!
Vello elbows his friend.
Yie... yawns David, half waking up.
Go back to sleep, says Vello. You were dreaming.
Uhh... says David. He goes back to sleep and resumes the sweet dream.
Vello is drowsy.
He is nearly asleep.
Then....
Ohh! David ejaculates loudly.
And Vello gets it at last.
It was Arthur who purloined the knife. Why didn't they think it was him?
Aah! says Gaius. What makes you think it was me?
This! says Stacey, pointing at Gaius's notes.
Sure enough, there is a perfect drawing of the glittering knife, bearing the logo of the National Railways.
Eeh! says Gaius. Aii!
He has incriminated himself. Why did he have to draw tools? The claws alone would have sufficed.
He rummages in his pocket. He finds the glittering knife, and draws it out. The trainee grabs it with a gloved hand and examines it closely.
Uuh! says the trainee, it's dirty.
And blunt, says Stacey severely.
My apologies, says Gaius. It was all in the interests of science.
Well, at least you've given it back, says Stacey, walking away.
Gaius sinks back into his seat, uttering a groan.
Oooooh! How embarrassing.
Have Vello and David been listening?
Vello is half asleep, half awake. His mind races with reasons why Arthur might have put U before O. He remembers vaguely something he wrote once in his Elemens de la Philosophie de Newton. What was it again? Something about an inverse relationship between the wavelength of light and the wavelength of sound.........
David is asleep beside Vello. He seems to be having a dream.
Aah! says David. Eeh!
Vello elbows his friend.
Yie... yawns David, half waking up.
Go back to sleep, says Vello. You were dreaming.
Uhh... says David. He goes back to sleep and resumes the sweet dream.
Vello is drowsy.
He is nearly asleep.
Then....
Ohh! David ejaculates loudly.
And Vello gets it at last.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Reason To Believe
The train speeds south through red scenery, saltbush and rocks.
Spinoza feels peckish. He reaches down into his basket.
Ouch!
He's forgotten that Ageless is there.
You pinched me! says Spinoza.
Put yourself in my place, says Ageless.
I was feeling for something to eat, says Spinoza. Is there anything left?
No, says Ageless, but if you'd like something to read.....
What is it? asks Spinoza. I don't like to read trash.
Then forget about this, says Ageless.
What is it? asks Spinoza.
The Great Philosophers, says Ageless.
Give it here, says Spinoza.
He pulls out the book and starts flicking through the chapters. Socrates, Plato, Descartes....Spinoza! He settles down for a read.
Through the door at the front of the carriage comes Stacey.
She heads straight for Arthur.
Arthur! says Stacey. How lovely to see you again. Are your little friends here as well? Have you still got that book?
No, says Arthur. They aren't and I haven't.
Oh, what a pity, says Stacey. I did like that book. Would you like a blanket, or anything?
No thanks, says Arthur.
I'd like a blanket, young lady, says David. And so would my friend here, if you wouldn't mind.
Stacey goes off for two blankets, passing Gaius on the way.
She is only away for a minute. When she comes back she has brought the trainee. They stop next to Gaius.
Gaius doesn't look up, being busy with his notes about claws.
Ahem! says Stacey loudly. Excuse me sir. We have reason to believe you are the person who last week absconded with one of our knives.
Gaius jumps out of his seat, mortified.
What makes them think it was him?
Spinoza feels peckish. He reaches down into his basket.
Ouch!
He's forgotten that Ageless is there.
You pinched me! says Spinoza.
Put yourself in my place, says Ageless.
I was feeling for something to eat, says Spinoza. Is there anything left?
No, says Ageless, but if you'd like something to read.....
What is it? asks Spinoza. I don't like to read trash.
Then forget about this, says Ageless.
What is it? asks Spinoza.
The Great Philosophers, says Ageless.
Give it here, says Spinoza.
He pulls out the book and starts flicking through the chapters. Socrates, Plato, Descartes....Spinoza! He settles down for a read.
Through the door at the front of the carriage comes Stacey.
She heads straight for Arthur.
Arthur! says Stacey. How lovely to see you again. Are your little friends here as well? Have you still got that book?
No, says Arthur. They aren't and I haven't.
Oh, what a pity, says Stacey. I did like that book. Would you like a blanket, or anything?
No thanks, says Arthur.
I'd like a blanket, young lady, says David. And so would my friend here, if you wouldn't mind.
Stacey goes off for two blankets, passing Gaius on the way.
She is only away for a minute. When she comes back she has brought the trainee. They stop next to Gaius.
Gaius doesn't look up, being busy with his notes about claws.
Ahem! says Stacey loudly. Excuse me sir. We have reason to believe you are the person who last week absconded with one of our knives.
Gaius jumps out of his seat, mortified.
What makes them think it was him?
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