Disagreements In The Tunnel Of Time

Ten thirty a.m.

Craig arrives at Wadlata Outback Centre, with Arthur and Gaius in tow. Craig asks to see the manager, a friend of his.

Pauline comes out of her office.

Craig! says Pauline. How do?

Good, Pauline, says Craig, Look I've brought a couple of friends in for a visit. Can you do a special price?

No, says Pauline. Can't do a special price. Not since the million dollar upgrade. Unless they're seniors.

She looks at Gaius.

Or children.

She looks at Arthur.

No? That's sixteen fifty each then. But seeing it's you Craig, I'll give them each a coffee voucher for the Outback Tuckerbox.

Thanks Pauline, says Craig.

He pays the thirty three dollars and gives Arthur and Gaius their tickets and two coffee vouchers for the Outback Tuckerbox.

Okay guys, I'll leave you to enjoy, says Craig. You go in through that giant snake's head over there. That's the entrance to the Tunnel of Time. Everyone says it's awesome. You can spend all day and still you won't see everything.... you even can get a Passout to come back another time.

Arthur walks towards the giant snake's head.  It seems you go in through the open mouth between the pointy teeth.

How lame.

Don't you think it's lame, he says to Gaius.

Gaius has been thinking that it's rather clever.

So the poet and the natural historian enter the Tunnel of Time with somewhat different points of view.

.............

Ten thirty five a.m

The Ghan has now rolled out of Port Augusta Station.

David and Vello have left their seats to look for Arthur and Gaius, who they are sure must be on board.

It is a very long train after all, says David. Just because we didn't see them getting on....

Yes, yes, says Vello. They're sure to be on board.

They enter the carriage where Spinoza and Ageless are carrying on a ding-dong philosophical dispute.

Everyone in the carriage is listening to them, and some are wondering where the voice of Ageless can be coming from.

Time! splutters Spinoza. Who do you think you are, Lobster Einstein?

Just saying, says Ageless reasonably. It's very easy to say something was meant to happen when it's already happened. But what about before?

You miss the point entirely, says Spinoza. There can be no before or after. Time is eternal.

Someone sitting behind Spinoza decides to chip in.

That's rubbish surely. 'There can be no before or after'. That's rich coming from someone on a train.

An irrelevant practicality, says Spinoza.

Ageless laughs rudely.

Hello Baruch. Hello Ageless, says David. We meet again! Have you seen Gaius and Arthur?

No, says Ageless. I think they've missed the train.

Don't worry, says Spinoza. I've just been explaining .....

Not very well, says the passenger from behind. In fact I'd say this is a very good example of the uncertainty principle.......

.........

Oh dear. How long is this journey?

Leave Philosophy to Philosophers

Eight forty five a.m.

Arthur and Gaius have been locked in Craig's pantry for just over half an hour. They have eaten all the Coco Pops and several of the stale chocolate croissants.

Craig is in the kitchen thinking things through.

He is thinking: They're very quiet in there.

Next he is thinking: They are capable of stealing knives and breaking windows and I've locked them in my pantry. Who knows what they might do?

Finally he concludes: The wife won't like it. They'll be better out than in.

He unlocks the door of the pantry.

Where were you? says Gaius. We couldn't get out.

Sorry, says Craig. I was out the back. Pantry door sticks sometimes. Come on out.

Arthur and Gaius come out.

I see you found the Coco Pops, says Craig.

We couldn't find a tin opener, says Gaius. Otherwise I would have had sardines.

Craig is glad his wife doesn't keep the tin opener in the pantry. They might not have seen their tin opener again.

Would you like a cuppa? says Craig. I'll put the kettle on. After that I'll show you round the town. How'd you like to go to Wadlata?

Arthur shrugs. Why not? He'd like to see the spooky giant snake.

Are there any fossils there, by any chance? asks Gaius.

Are there any FOSSILSs? says Craig. My oath there are!

He puts the kettle on.

............

Nine fifty five a.m.

The train rolls in to Port Augusta Station, not very late at all.

David and Vello are waiting on the platform, with their bicycles. The train stops. They get on. They hope they don't see Stacey. They don't. They find two empty seats.

........

Ten a.m.

Ageless and Spinoza are in another carriage two down from there. It's full, but Spinoza has managed to get a window seat, and Ageless is in the picnic basket on the floor beside Spinoza's feet.

Lift me up, says Ageless. I want to look out of the window. I want to see the others get back on.

Spinoza lifts him up so he can look out of the window.

I see David and Vello, says Ageless, but not Gaius and not Arthur.

Don't worry, says Spinoza. Everything will be alright.

That's your philosophy is it? says Ageless. Well it's a crap one.

Excuse ME! says Spinoza, it's a good one. Everything has worked out fine so far, according to a predetermined plan.

Are you sure, says Ageless, that doesn't just SEEM to be the case? Is it not all dependent on the precise timing at which you form your point of view?

Leave the philosophy to me, retorts Spinoza. And get back in the picnic basket. Stacey's coming.

Stuffed and Hidden Agendas

Eight fifteen a.m.

Having locked Gaius and Arthur in the pantry, Craig calls Stacey, who is a relative of his.

Stace! says Craig. What's happening with the train?

Just a short delay because of a broken window, says Stacey. Why do you want to know?

Are any of your passengers missing? asks Craig. A Frenchman and a natural historian perhaps?

Yes, says Stacey. That will be Arthur Rimbaud and Gaius Plinius Secundus. Have they turned up already?

I gave them a lift, says Craig. But then I got suspicious. Why aren't they on the train?

Long story, says Stacey. They stole a knife, they dropped some dangerous pencils, and it was one of them that broke the window. What have you done with them?

I've locked them in the pantry, says Craig.

Do me a favour Craig, says Stacey. Keep them there until this afternoon.

............

Eight sixteen a.m.

Inside the pantry, Arthur and Gaius are concerned.

Was it the wind? asks Gaius, staring at the inside of the pantry door.

Probably, says Arthur. I'll try and push it open.

He pushes, but it's locked.

It's locked, says Arthur. But look, chocolate croissants! My favourite.

Sure enough there is a packet of chocolate croissants on a shelf inside the door.

Is there anything to open a tin of sardines? asks Gaius. Because if there isn't I'll have Coco Pops. That is if there's any milk.

I've got milk says Arthur, feeling in his pocket.

That cheesy milk! says Gaius. No thank you. We really must get out. Let's shout for Craig.

They shout, but nothing happens.

...........

Nine a.m.

David and Vello have finally reached Port Augusta. They are having breakfast at McDonalds for the first time in their lives. They are pleasantly surprised to find that McDonalds provides a free newspaper and the coffee isn't bad.

David reads the paper.

Vello looks out of the window at the empty road.

They finish their McMuffins and ask directions to the station.

.....

Nine thirty a.m.

On the train all is bustle. The passengers from the carriage with the broken window are being moved to one that is intact. There are only two of them, Ageless and Spinoza, and Ageless doesn't count.

The trainee sweeps up the claws and broken pencils, and drops them in a bin.

The train moves off.

Mistrust Sets In

It's not long before mistrust sets in.

Three days? mouths Gaius to Arthur, in the back seat of Craig's car.

Three days? Arthur mouths back, raising an eyebrow.

Craig too is suspicious of his passengers. Why did they get off the train?

No one speaks. It seems awkward.

Much to do in Port Augusta? says Gaius. I've never been.

Yes, yes, lots to do, says Craig.

What for example? says Gaius.

What do you like? asks Craig.

I am a natural historian says Gaius. And Arthur here is French.

Wadlata Outback Centre! says Craig. Everyone likes that. They have this big spooky snake.

Gaius looks at Arthur.

Certainly, certainly, says Gaius. Just drop us off there if you like.

It's too early, says Craig. And you're having breakfast at my place. We Port Augustans are like that. Good-hearted. Generous. Friendly.

Fifteen minutes later they pull up in Craig's drive.

Come in, says Craig. Make yourselves at home. What do natural historians and Frenchmen like for breakfast? We've recently come into some money so our pantry is full. Go in and have a look round.

Arthur and Gaius walk into Craig's well-stocked pantry.

Spanish sardines! says Gaius. That's what I'll have.

Any chocolate croissants? asks Arthur hopefully.

Can't see any, says Gaius. I'll just.....Hey!

The door of the pantry slams shut.

Three or Four Types of Luck

Ageless settles comfortably into the seat next to Spinoza.

I suppose you do have a ticket? says Stacey.

No, says Ageless. I was travelling in the picnic basket as food.

You'd better get back in it then, says Stacey.

But I'm not really food, says Ageless.

No, he isn't says Spinoza, backing him up. I packed him as a favour, not food.

And I'm a vegetarian, says Stacey. But if he doesn't have a ticket, back in the basket he goes.

Ageless clambers down into the basket, paradise lost.

And the train isn't moving.

He thinks: O for the open road.
..........

Dawn is breaking on the open road.

Local business man Craig is driving towards Port Augusta, on his way home.

What's this ahead? Two cyclists, two walkers. You don't see that often out here.

He drives past them. Pulls up.

........

Five minutes later, there are only two cyclists on the road.

Lucky Gaius and Arthur, says Vello, with a sigh.

What's that supposed to mean? asks David testily.

You know very well, says Vello. If you hadn't insisted on having our bicycles, we would have got a lift too.

I can't be expected to think of everything, says David. Look on the bright side.

What is it? asks Vello.

Beautiful morning, you and me, bikes, it's just like old times, says David.

And no breakfast, thinks Vello.

O for the train.

..........

Arthur and Gaius are in the back of Craig's car, heading towards Port Augusta.

They've told him the story of the broken train window, leaving out who broke the window.

Hmmm, says Craig, that'll take time to get fixed. They'll have to call someone out from the town, and they'll have to take measurements, and it'll need special glass. I reckon you guys'll be in Port Augusta for three days at least.

Arthur looks glum. So does Gaius.

Come to my house for brekky, says Craig. I'll put you up. The wife and kids won't be home till next Thursday.

O for kind people like that.

Has Ageless Died And Gone To Heaven?

What shall we do now? says Gaius.

Spinoza's in there. Attract his attention, says Vello.

Arthur throws a rock through the window.

Spinoza looks out.

Goodbye, says Spinoza. I think we're about to move off.

Help us back in, says Vello. There's a good chap.

No, says Spinoza. I have already thought through the logic. I didn't interfere when you went out through the window. So I ought not to help you back in.

Inferior logic, says David. You have not taken into account the passing of time.

Yes I have, says Spinoza.  That's why I didn't get off.

At least call Stacey, says Vello. She'll let us in.

But Stacey is already there, inspecting the broken window.

She puts her head out gingerly.

I told you boys not to get off, she says.

Yes, yes, says Vello, but we did. In these sorts of circumstances, what generally happens?

These sorts of circumstances don't generally happen, says Stacey. But I can't let you back on. We're not at a station. Trains have regulations you know.

So we have to walk to the next station? says Arthur. Where's that?

Port Augusta, says Stacey. It actually isn't that far. And you have plenty of time because we'll have to wait here until someone comes out to mend the window.

It's outrageous! says David. We have THINGS on the train. Our bicycles.....can we have them?

Alright, says Stacey. I'll get the trainee to chuck them out at the back.

She looks down at the sad little party. She sees where they've thrown up in the dirt. Surely one bottle of retsina........?

Ageless in particular looks pathetic. It's a talent of his.

She relents, after all he is a lobster.

Hand Ageless up through the window, she says. There's no specific rule against that.

Lucky Ageless. Arthur lifts him up to be received by Stacey's gentle fingers, and her welcoming smile.

The rest of the party trudge to the back of the train to pick up the bikes.

Whatever You Do Don't Get Off

The train lurches to a halt.

That isn't supposed to happen.

Stacey's head appears round the door of the carriage.

We're just ditching the snake, she says. Whatever you do, don't get off.

But David, Vello, Arthur, Gaius and Ageless feel dizzy and nauseous from drinking the turps, and are disinclined to obey.

Let's get off for a minute, says Vello. We need some fresh air.

Spinoza looks doubtful. But he hasn't drunk any turps.

How do we get off? asks David. Aren't the doors locked?

Break the window, says Arthur.

Arthur knows all about trains.

Spinoza looks even more doubtful. Should he go and tell Stacey what's brewing?

He sits down in the seat which Ageless has vacated. Ouch! He sits on The Great Philosophers.

This reminds him of his better self. What would he do? He would not interfere with the determinations of others. No doubt everything was unfolding as it should.

Arthur breaks a window, and everyone but Spinoza clambers out.

It's dark. They stand beside the train where the rocks meet the dirt..

 Bahloo the Moon gleams down upon the train tracks. There is a slithering sound as of snakes.

But does anyone hear it? No, they are all throwing up.

Bahloo the Moon beams. Foolish men.

The train gives a lurch and a hiss.

Golly, says David. Had we better get back on?

Yes, says Vello. We had better get back on.

They stare up at the broken window.

It looks a great deal higher from where they stand now.

To Ageless it looks even higher.