Aftertaste In The Morning

 It's half way between late-at-night and early morning.

Rain patters down on the roof of the camper.

The sleepers are dreaming.

Gaius dreams about slices of tomato. He is pulling them out of sandwiches, wraps and buns. He is piling them up on a saucer. The tower of tomato slices grows taller, and collapses. Soggy red tomato slices are all over the floor. He is wading through them. The tomato seeds stick to his toes. When he looks down at his feet, he appears to be wearing socks made from tomatoes.....

Wittgenstein is dreaming of water. Water is filling the Mazda. He is inside the Mazda. and can't open the windows. He fears he will drown.

Arthur is dreaming of a low sun spotted with mystic horrors. He has dreamed it before. Though it always seems different.

Sweezus is dreaming of French flies.

Because his bed is nearest to Terence, the frogs and Unhappy, who are deconstructing their earlier jokes.

Shorty-Tartus is explaining French flies to Terence.

French fries are long skinny potato chips, says Shorty-Tartus. And French flies sounds similar.

Do they buzz? asks Terence.

Some do, says Shorty-Tartus. But most flies are silent.

So how come they're French? asks Terence.

They're just called that because they're skinny, says Shorty-Tartus. They don't speak French. It wouldn't be funny in French.

No, says Quiet-Tartus. It's only funny in frog. Get this. What do frogs DRINK at Macdonald's?

Wait, wait, says Unhappy. I've got this...something to do with a penguin.....

No you haven't, says Quiet-Tartus. It's a frog joke.

What then? asks Terence.

Diet Croak! says Quiet-Tartus.

Ho ho ho, laughs Shorty-Tartus.

Sweezus stirs.

Shifts his position.

Diet Croak. His dream turns dark and carbonated.

There will be an aftertaste in the morning.

French Flies

Time to turn in, says Gaius. Early start in the morning.

What for? asks Sweezus.

A trip to the fruit and veg shop, says Gaius. And a plant nursery.

Oh yeah, for curly cabbage, says Sweezus. Okay.

I'll just check that the Mazda is locked, and the windows are closed, says Wittgenstein. 

He steps out of the camper.

And onto a frog.

Ouch! cries Quiet-Tartus. Watch where you're stepping!

I didn't expect you to be there, says Wittgenstein. Sorry.

He helps Quiet-Tartus inside.

Shorty-Tartus, who has not been stepped on, follows.

Dear me, says Gaius. What's happened?

He's squashed! cries Terence. Quiet-Tartus is ruined!

I'm not ruined, snaps Quiet-Tartus. I just have a headache.

That is troubling, says Gaius. Do you think you will get through the night?

Probably, grumbles Quiet-Tartus.

I'll sit up with him, says Shorty-Tartus.

Me too, says Terence. Come over here. I'll tell you some frog jokes.

The two frogs hop over to Terence who is sitting beside Unhappy, who is dozing.

What's a frog's favourite instrument? asks Terence.

Unhappy stops dozing and pricks up his ears.

Try penguin, he whispers.

A penguin? says Quiet-Tartus.

What? says Terence.

Nothing, says Quiet-Tartus. Just a mad guess. What's the answer?

A trom-BONE, says Terence.

That's a dog joke, says Unhappy. 

I know, says Terence. But I'm calling it a frog joke because I'm asking a frog.

Tricky, says Shorty-Tartus. Want to hear a cement kid joke?

No, says Terence. Wait, yes, okay.

What do cement kids eat at Macdonald's? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Nothing, says Terence. 

It's a JOKE, says Shorty-Tartus. Have a guess.

Can't, says Terence. What's the answer? 

French flies, says Shorty-Tartus.

Ha ha, laughs Unhappy. It was a frog joke! 

Here's another one, says Shorty-Tartus. What do you call a sad frog?

What? asks Terence, who didn't get the joke about French flies.

Unhoppy! says Shorty-Tartus.

Ha ha ha! Even Terence gets this one. 

Penguin To Dog

Sweezus and Arthur have come back with six burgers and four serves of chips.

Why six burgers? asks Gaius. 

Some of us might be hungry, says Sweezus. How's the dog?

We've named him Unhappy, says Wittgenstein, unwrapping his burger.

Yeah, good name, says Sweezus, patting Unhappy.

Unhappy is being patted by Sweezus, who saved him. He also smells burgers.

He has become less unhappy.

What kind of burger is this? asks Wittgenstein.

Plain, says Sweezus. They were close to closing and only made these as a favour.

Gaius inspects his.

A beef patty, lettuce, tomato and cheese in a bun.

He picks out the tomato.

Anyone want this?

No one does.

Terence and Roo-kai return from night hunting.

You're both wet, says Gaius. Is there a towel?

Wittgenstein gets up to look.

Catch anything? asks Arthur.

A mouse, says Terence. But the frogs didn't want it. And a worm, which they did.

Terence has come back to cheer up Unhappy, says Roo-kai. He says he knows how to.

Yes, says Terence. I know how to.

He goes over to Unhappy, who again is unhappy, since Sweezus stopped patting him, and no titbits have yet come his way. 

Hey, says Terence. Want to hear a funny dog joke?

Why not? thinks Unhappy.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white? asks Terence.

Unhappy does not know the answer.

A dog rolling down hill, says Terence.

That's a penguin joke, if I'm not mistaken, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. A penguin rolling down hill. Makes more sense if it's a penguin.

Or if the dog's black and white, says Wittgenstein. 

It IS black and white, says Terence. The dog is.

Unhappy, who is not black and white, is confused.

If Terence had said the answer was a black and white dog rolling down hill, the joke would have been funny.

Why didn't he?

Want another one? asks Terence.

Unhappy nods, which does not help his headache.

What do dogs eat for lunch? asks Terence.

Unhappy thinks hard. What if this joke too is really about a penguin?

If it is, there is only one answer.

Ice-burgers.

Perhaps he should mime it.

He shivers and points at Sweezus's burger.

Sweezus breaks off a small chunk of beef patty, and feeds him.

Woooof! This beats getting credit for the answer.

Okay Grumpy

It is dark, and still raining in Grafton.

Sweezus and Arthur have gone off in the Mazda, to look for somewhere to buy chips and burgers.

Gaius and Wittgenstein have remained in the camper, with Roo-kai and Unhappy.

Unhappy has a terrible headache.

And he is feeling abandoned, since his saviour has gone.

Where is Terence? asks Gaius, suddenly realising that Terence is missing.

He sneaked off with the frogs, says Roo-kai.

Tch! says Gaius. The little scallywag was determined to go night hunting.

Should we go and find him? asks Wittgenstein.

I'll go, says Roo-kai. You two stay here and keep dry.

Roo-kai squeezes out through the half open window.

He heads for the beautiful trees.

He stops when he reaches the first one.

He listens.

He hears rain falling on leaves, river water rushing, and a frog's voice saying, oh no, we don't ever eat mice.

And Terence voice saying: What shall I do with this mouse then?

And Quiet-Tartus saying: Leave it for an owl.

And Terence saying: No way. We should bury it.

And Shorty-Tartus saying : You stepped on it. You bury it.

And Terence saying: Okay, grumpy.

And the sound of (Terence presumably) digging.

And then Terence: Look guys! A worm!

And a mad scramble.

Hello all, says Roo-kai. I couldn't help overhearing that Terence has uncovered a worm.

Quiet-Tartus: We could have found our own dinner.

Terence: Then how come you didn't? 

Shorty-Tartus: Because of your big cement feet alerting all the insects and spiders and crickets. 

Quiet-Tartus: And the cockroaches, moths and larvae.

Roo-kai: I don't think larvae would be alerted.

Quiet-Tartus: Point taken. Now let us get on with dividing this worm.

Roo-kai: Come on, Terence, we should go back to the camper. Unhappy is very unhappy.

Terence: Who's unhappy?

Roo-kai: Unhappy the dog. He has come to, with a terrible headache, and has to wait until morning for Gaius's cure.

Terence: I know how to make him feel better!

Quiet-Tartus: Great, off you go then.

Roo-kai and Terence tramp back to the camper, leaving the frogs to finish their worm and continue night hunting under the beautiful trees.

Incorrectly In Heaven

This dog is not well at all, says Gaius. 

We know, says Sweezus. Should we look for a vet?

No need, says Gaius. Two sprigs of pennyroyal should revive him.

Yeah, like, where do we get that from? asks Sweezus.

A herbalist's garden, says Gaius.

They have been following the Mazda. 

The Mazda has stopped. 

Sweezus pulls in behind it.

Wittgenstein, Terence and the frogs get out of the Mazda.

This is Corcoran Park, says Wittgenstein. It features river views and beautiful trees.

Good, says Gaius. The frogs can go night hunting, while we deal with this dog.

Let me see it, says Wittgenstein. This dog has concussion!

Can I go night hunting? asks Terence.

No one answers. 

Yay, says Terence quietly. Come on team!

He sneaks away, with Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus, towards the beautiful trees.

As we don't have curly cabbage or pennyroyal, says Gaius, a sniff of menthol might be helpful.

I'll look in the back, says Sweezus. Might find some old cough lollies.

He goes to the back of the camper and slides open a drawer.

Yes! There is a short screwed-up end of a packet of Butter Menthols, with one butter menthol inside.

Midge must have left it, when her last cough got better.

Wonderful, says Gaius. The gods are smiling.

He unwraps the butter menthol.

Holds it under the nose of Unhappy.

Nothing happens.

I'll start it off, says Gaius. 

He puts it in his mouth in order to wet it and release fumes of menthol.

Unhappy experiences a kind of a seizure.

His lips draw back, revealing that some teeth are missing.  Gaius quickly inserts the butter menthol.

Perhaps I shouldn't have done that, says Gaius. He could easily choke on it.

 At least you'll have tried, says Sweezus.

Unhappy coughs.

His eyes open.

The first person he sees is Sweezus, looking down.

Ahh! My saviour! 

He does not in fact say this, but it will be hard to get rid of him now.

He's looking better, says Sweezus.

We'll find some pennyroyal in the morning, says Gaius. If he wears it behind his ears it will serve to protect him from further injury. We'll feed him curly cabbage for breakfast.

Unhappy thinks, incorrectly, that he is in heaven.

Unhappy Requires Curly Cabbage

Sweezus stops the camper.

He has run over a dog.

Arthur gets out.

The dog looks up at Arthur.

It's not dead, says Arthur. Shall I...?

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Arthur picks up the dog.

Put him in the back seat with Terence and Roo-kai, says Sweezus. Is he bleeding?

No, says Arthur. But he doesn't look happy.

The unhappy dog lies on the back seat beside Terence.

Terence pats his head.

Feel anything? asks Roo-kai.

A lump, says Terence.

Probably where he was hit, says Sweezus.

He might have concussion, says Arthur.

Call Gaius, says Sweezus. He'll know what to do.

Arthur calls Gaius.

Where are you? asks Gaius. 

In Grafton, says Arthur. Where are you?

On the Bendy Bridge, says Gaius. Watching the sunset. Not that it's......

We're almost there, says Arthur. There's an injured dog with us. 

Why is that? asks Gaius.

We ran over him in the camper, says Arthur. He's got a lump on his head.

Give him curly cabbage, says Gaius.

Sure, says Arthur. Where are we supposed to get curly cabbage?

Any fruit and vegetable shop worth its salt, says Gaius. But come here first. I'll take a look at him.

Bendy Bridge, says Arthur.

Where the hell's that? asks Sweezus.

Over the river, says Arthur. I can see it. 

The Bendy Bridge spans the mighty Clarence River, and is a great spot for watching the sun rise or set, although not this evening.

The rain does not look like stopping.

Sweezus drives onto the Bendy Bridge (so named because it is bendy).

The Mazda has stopped there. 

Gaius sees the camper approaching, and gets out.

At last! says Gaius. We're glad to see you. Where's this dog?

In the back, says Sweezus. Get in.

Wittgenstein has remained in the Mazda, with the two frogs.

We're planning to spend the night at Corcoran Park, says Gaius. Ludwig will lead the way and we'll follow.

Can I go with him? asks Terence. I want to tell the frogs about the koala.

Okay, says Sweezus. 

At last everyone is in their chosen vehicle.

Except for Unhappy the dog, at whom Gaius is looking.

His eyes have rolled back in his head, and his limbs become flaccid.

This may require more than curly cabbage.

Proof Of Half Truth

It's not far to Grafton.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Nearly, says Sweezus. Call Gaius and ask where he is.

Me? says Terence.

You've got my phone, says Sweezus. You can do it.

Terence presses the phone icon.

Chooses a number.

Ring ring. Arthur's phone rings.

You've called me, says Arthur. 

Where's Gaius? asks Terence.

How should I know? says Arthur. You need to find his number and call him.

I was, says Terence. He might be next.

He finds the next contact. Calls the number.

Hello? says Vello. Sweezus? 

Shit! says Sweezus. The boss! 

It's me, says Terence. Guess what! I've got half a koala.

Terence, says Vello. Half a koala. Was it run over?

No, says Terence. Adopted. Half by me. Want to see a photo?

No....oh, all right, yes, says Vello. Send it.

Terence sees a camera icon, presses it. A photo appears, but it's not the koala. 

He sends it to Vello.

Looks like the back end of the Big Banana, says Vello. 

Wah! says Terence. Why can't I send the koala?

Give me the phone, says Arthur.

Is that you Sweezus? asks Vello. 

No it's me, Arthur, says Arthur. I've got a printed photo of the koala. If you want I'll  send you a copy.

Why on earth would you want to do that? says Vello.

I thought you wanted to see it, says Arthur. It won't take a minute.

He takes  a photo of the printed photo of Ninja, and sends it to Vello.

Very nice, says Vello. Thanks for that. It's not like you to be so helpful.

It's half my koala, says Arthur.

You don't say. And where's Sweezus? asks Vello.

Driving, says Arthur. I'll put you on speaker.

Sweezus could do without that.

Hey boss. How you doing?

We're incredibly busy, says Vello. 

That's good, says Sweezus. 

Why did you call me? asks Vello.

Accident, says Sweezus. Meant to call Gaius. He's somewhere in Grafton, with frogs. We're on our way up to the Gold Coast.

Raining cats and dogs, is it? asks Vello.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

As if to prove the half truth of this, a dog runs into the road.

Screech! Thud. Bugger!