Philosophical Wasp

Sweezus heads for the glass sliding door.

Pierre-Louis opens it, just wide enough for Sweezus (and a wasp) to slide in through.

Thanks, says Sweezus. You need to get rid of those wasps in the garden.

Me? says Pierre-Louis.

You volunteered to look after it, says Sweezus.

Not the pests, says Pierre-Louis.

Do you reckon life's like a wheel? asks Sweezus, pursuing his earlier thought that Pierre-Louis might think so.

No, says Pierre-Louis. Does anyone?

Nietzsche, says Sweezus. And the Buddha.

Anyone sensible? asks Pierre-Louis.

Heaps, says Sweezus. But okay. What philosophical thought would you be thinking, if say, you were thinking one randomly?

That's a very good question, says Pierre-Louis.

Well? says Sweezus.

Do wasps carry grudges? asks Pierre-Louis.

That's kind of specific. says Sweezus.

That wasn't a philosophical question, says Pierre-Louis. I wonder if Gaius keeps any of that Fast Knockdown Spray? 

He opens the cupboard under the kitchen sink. Finds some, and squirts it towards Sweezus.

Sweezus ducks.

The wasp that had followed him in is knocked down.

Now let's see if life's like a wheel, says Pierre-Louis.

They peer at the wasp in its death throes.

What are you doing? asks Gaius who has finished packing for Winaityiniaiyti Pangkara, and come into the kitchen.

We've just despatched a wasp, says Pierre-Louis. I hope you don't disapprove of such killings.

Generally I attempt to catch and release, says Gaius. Was it preparing to sting you?

Yeah, says Sweezus. Cool, how life's like a wheel.

I fail to see how, for the wasp, says Gaius. Unless of course... ah... I see what you're thinking. He picks up the wasp (which has died) and drops it in with the kitchen scraps.

Dust to dust, says Gaius. Or in this case wasp to compost. And then the long process of decomposition and soil enrichment, after which... of course it won't be another wasp again in a hurry.

That's something they all can agree on. 

Buzz no noo

No one notices the drowned wasp, except for the other wasps, who are grief-stricken.

Hoo buzz buzz?

Buzz no noo.

Boo. 

Gaius has gone back inside, with Camus.

Terence turns the hose nozzle until the water stops.

It continues dripping, onto his shoes.

Pierre-Louis turns the tap off.

Terence loses interest in watering, and squelches inside.

So, says Sweezus. How come you want to stay here?

I could do with some time off, says Pierre-Louis. And Camus will be equally useful to Gaius..

Yeah? says Sweezus. You know Camus has an agenda?

Does he? says Pierre-Louis. To be honest, I too have an agenda.

To cultivate your garden? says Sweezus. Like in Candide. The boss wrote that. It's like heaps good advice.  

But it isn't my garden, says Pierre-Louis. The garden is simply my excuse to stay here while Camus is away. 

Go on, says Sweezus. 

I shall spend my time writing an article for Velosophy, says Pierre-Louis. It seems Vello will never ask me, but with Camus away, it's more likely that Vello will accept it.

You reckon? says Sweezus. 

Can't hurt to try, says Pierre-Louis. My idea is to write about the time Frederick the Great expected me to go to war on a donkey.

Hey, says Sweezus. Word of advice. Make sure there's a bicycle in it.

Thanks, says Pierre-Louis. I shall remember.

Sweezus doesn't ask him how he intends to introduce a bicycle into Frederick the Great's time. 

He supposes the  bicycle story might be used as a frame. Like yeah, Pierre-Louis is ridng along on his bicycle thinking something philosophical, like yeah, life is like a wheel or something, or two wheels... but no it isn't... anyway that's up to him... and the bicycle gets a flat tyre and it reminds him of the donkey, which was a cheap clapped-out donkey that couldn't keep up...

He looks up from his suppositions.

Pierre-Louis has dashed inside, pursued by bereaved wasps.

Slam! He has made it, though the screen door.

The wasps look around for someone else to exact their revenge on. 

Facing Extinction

Pierre-Louis comes into the garden.

Much to do? asks Pierre-Louis, noting the long grass and weeds. 

A great deal, says Gaius. But I don't have the time. I must get out to Winaityinaiyti Pangkara with all speed.

What's the hurry? asks Pierre-Louis. Apart from the obvious.

What is the obvious? asks Camus.

The orange bellied parrot is facing extinction, says Pierre-Louis.

I didn't know that, says Camus. But I look at it this way. We all are.

Not as soon, says Gaius. And not through no fault of our own. The reason for haste is that the orange bellied parrot flies back to Tasmania once winter is over.

I see, says Camus. So you won't know if there are none due to extinction or because they've flown to Tasmania.

You catch on fast, says Gaius. That's it exactly.

I could stay behind and do a bit of work in your garden, says Pierre-Louis. And then join you later.

That is kind, says Gaius. But I need an assistant. 

I could come with you, says Camus. 

Sweezus who has been watching a wasp near the water tank, smells a rat.

Or at least a smart tactic.

If Camus assists Gaius, Gaius might be willing to sign the admission that he ate penguin pie. 

Yeah well, good luck Camus. 

Terence comes out in his new parrot shorts.

Can I do the hosing?

All right, says Gaius. Water these beans and then the pots with the parsley.

Woo! says Terence, grabbing the hose and twisting the nozzle.

The fine mist turns into a powerful jet, strong enough to knock broad bean plants over.

Terence attempts to redirect it towards the water tank.

Psshhh... Thud...Thud...Thud... (a faint buzz...)

The wasp drowns.

How They Loved You

Been away? asks Camus. Your pot plants have died.

So they have, says Gaius. 

He tips Camus's water into each of the pots.

That won't help. says Camus.

You know plants? asks Gaius.

I know dead ones, says Camus. 

He refills his glass from the tap.

Very good, says Gaius. Help yourself. I like that. Are you here to catch up?

No, I... begins Camus.

Because, continues Gaius, I need to check on my broad beans.

In the garden? says Camus.

Yes, in the garden, says Gaius. 

They go out the back.

The broad bean plants are drooping.

Gaius turns on his hose.

Camus stands beside him.

Should he bring up the penguin pie now?

Sweezus comes out.

Have you asked him? asks Sweezus.

Asked me what? asks Gaius, turning around with the hose.

Watch out! says Camus, stepping back.

About signing the statement, says Sweezus. 

Is it about that penguin pie? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Camus. The one you didn't remember.

Where was this? asks Gaius, fiddling with the spray nozzle. 

Victor Harbour, says Sweezus. I was there too.

I wouldn't have eaten a penguin pie, says Gaius. For one thing, they don't sell them in Victor Harbour. Imagine!

That is why it has haunted me ever since, says Camus. To think that you ate one, with such insouciance.

Insouciance, says Gaius. There's a clue. Perhaps I was joking. Do you remember it, Sweezus?

Yeah...kind of, says Sweezus.

Was I joking? aks Gaius.

Hard to say, says Sweezus. It was ages ago. And I was pretending to be a penguin.

Yes, my twins still talk about it, says Camus. How they loved you.

Anyway, Gaius, says Sweezus, the boss wants something in writing, to say you won't sue.

I'll write my own version, says Gaius. Vello can print it in Velosophy as a companion piece. How will that do?

He twists the spray nozzle. A fine mist drifts over the broad beans and onto the grass.

Now that he looks at it, he can see it needs mowing.

Recently Died

Gaius opens the door.

Here we are, says Katherine. And don't we look smart!

Terence had been going to say 'Guess what? to Gaius. 

Now he can't.

Something is different, says Gaius. Let me guess. Are those new shorts?

Yes, says Terence. I got these ones with parrots.

So I see, says Gaius. You were lucky.

Not so lucky, says Katherine. Kmart only had dinosaurs and pokemons, and cars. We ended up going to Seed, and they had these flash parrot ones.

They're boardshorts, says Terence. 

Roo-kai steps in.

Roo-kai, says Gaius. Good to see you. Have you been reinstated?

It seems so, says Roo-kai.

Roo-kai chose the parrots, says Terence. Waca's no good at choosing.

Where is Waca? asks Gaius. 

In my car, says Katherine.

Bring him in, says Gaius. He'll be feeling despondent.

Katherine goes back to her car.

She is just getting Waca out when Camus arrives with Sweezus.

Hey Katherine, says Sweezus. 

Come to see Terence? asks Katherine.

No, says Sweezus. Camus wants to see Gaius. 

Hello, Katherine, says Camus. Nice duck.

Sad duck, says Katherine. It has been superceded.

Is it supposed to have wheels? asks Camus.

Why yes, originally it was part of a pair, on wheels, says Katherine. But Waca is all that's left now.

It's a fine duck, nonetheless, says Camus. 

They go inside, as Gaius's front door is still open.

Terence is standing on the kitchen table displaying his shorts.

Red and blue parrots on a dark blue background.

Guess what? says Terence.

New boardies! says Sweezus. Cool! They'll be good when you go to the beach.

We soon will be, says Terence. We're going to Wini-yini-tini-pinata to look for dangerous parrots.

Endangered parrots. says Gaius.  At Winaityinaiyti Pankara.

Yeah? says Sweezus. Where's that at?

Up the coast, says Gaius. From Middle Beach up to Port Wakefield.

Shithouse beaches, says Sweezus. 

A bird sanctuary says Gaius. Hello Camus. I didn't see you behind Sweezus. Welcome. Sit down and I'll make you a cup of tea. If I have any tea bags. ...curses, I don't..... would you like a glass of tap water?

Merci, says Camus (or something like that).

He looks around Gaius's kitchen, noting that several pot plants have recently died.

That Sisyphus Essay

Is Gaius named in this story? asks Vello.

Naturally, says Camus. He ate the pie.

Could he not remain anonymous? asks David.

'Ten years ago, anonymous man eats penguin pie', says Camus. I don't think so.

At least you must clear it with Gaius, says Vello. He may have a different version. 

Yes, says David. We won't pay for the article if it's going to end up in court. 

All right, says Camus. What's his number?

Here, says Sweezus, bringing up Gaius's number on his phone.

Shizz! I dialled it accidentally.

Let it ring, says Vello. The sooner this is cleared up the better.

Ring ring!

Gaius answers.

Hey! says Sweezus.

What is it? asks Gaius. I'm busy unpacking. 

Camus's here, says Sweezus. He wants to ask you a question.

Put him on, says Gaius. Wait, Camus who?

Albert Camus the guy who wrote The Stranger, and The Plague and that Sisyphus essay, says Sweezus. And we met him in Victor ten years ago when we were both there.

I remember, says Gaius. What does he want?

I'll let him tell you, says Sweezus, handing his phone to Camus.

Hello, Gaius, says Camus.

Hello, says Gaius. I believe you have a question.

I do, says Camus. I have just submitted an article to Velosophy, which names you, and I'd like your permission....

O everyone names me willy-nilly, says Gaius. Quoting my tales. Go ahead. It's all the same to me. And how is your family? Are they here with you?

No, says Camus. The twins are grown up now.

It happens, says Gaius. Even young Terence, perhaps not so much, but he's looking older since he lost his side curls...

Yes, but I do need your specific agreement, says Camus. The editors wish to be certain I haven't defamed you.

Very canny, says Gaius. What did you say?

That you ate a penguin pie, says Camus. You did eat one, didn't you?

A penguin pie, says Gaius. It doesn't sound like a thing I would do. Ah, the doorbell! It will be Terence and Katherine. Must go. Let's catch up sometime. 

Click.

He's gone, says Camus. 

Did he deny it? asks Vello.

Not exactly, says Camus. He seemed not to remember. Will that suffice?

It won't, says Vello. You must get a written affirmation. 

Very well, says Camus. Gaius suggested a catch-up. I'll go now.

Got a car? asks Vello.

I've hired one, says Camus. Electric. Address, please.

I'll come with you, says Sweezus. 

They go downstairs together.

Camus sees a clear path ahead, leading to him getting published, and paid.

Sweezus, unsurprisingly, doesn't. 

Truth Deletes Bicycle

Ten years have passed, says Camus, since I came up with my story.

We know that, says Vello. 

And more, says Camus. Because it was my reality, before it was a story.

In the French Resistance, says Vello. I know. You rode around on bicycles, spying.

And you only had three bikes, says Sweezus. But there were four of you.

I say! says David. That would have been tricky. 

Yeah! says Sweezus. But now he's left the bikes out.

And hasn't told us the reason, says Vello.

More macarons? asks Belle.

Yes please, says David.

I've left the entire war out, says Camus. There comes a time when one must reinvent oneself. That is true freedom.

Right, says Vello. So no war, no bikes, what's it about then?

Penguins, says Camus. And in the interests of truth, I'm not on a bicycle, but driving a hired car.

An electric car? asks Vello 

No, says Camus. It was ten years ago. It wasn't electric. 

Go on, says David. What about the penguins?.

A true story, says Camus. Ten years ago I was in Victor Harbour, with my family. Gaius was there too. eating a penguin pie.

Yeah, I remember, says Sweezus. Gaius got arrested.

The story has haunted me ever since, says Camus. So I have turned it into a philosophical enquiry into the nature of man.

You mean the nature of humans, says Belle. Macaron, anyone?

The macarons disappear quickly (further illustrating the nature of humans).

In the light of the melting ice caps, says Camus, and this season's failure to breed, by the Antarctic penguins, I thought this piece of writing more pressing than any of my world war two antics.

Commendable, says Vello. But I must say I can't picture Gaius eating a penguin pie.

Not knowingly, says David. 

Sweezus, who was there at the time and knows it wasn't a penguin pie Gaius was eating, decides to keep quiet, in the interests of supporting a pro-penguin story.