The Language Of Birds

Out on the sand spit:

The red-capped plover regards Gaius with his sticky eye.

Tik tik quis?

Gaius knows Latin, but he replies in English:

I'm Gaius Plinius Secundus, natural historian.

Spik Latin, dik dik! says the red-capped plover.

Gaius realises the situation.

You birds speak Latin? Mirabilis! May I ask you unus or duo quaestiones?

Nik nik! Responde mea quaestione! says the red capped plover, rudely.

Tik tik, says Gaius politely. Quid est?

Veracitas me portere albo underpants? asks the red capped plover.

Quidquid notio? asks Gaius. White underpants? ( puzzled, and lapsing into English).

The red-capped plover lowers his rufous crown and plunges his beak towards the questionable word on Gaius's notepad.

Underpants (as he sees it).

Underparts (as it is).

Non, non, says Gaius. Error maximus faces! White underparts, it's there in black and white!

The red- capped plover turns his head and peers at the offending word with his non-sticky eye.

Excusatio! Scrip-scrip terrabilis! says the red-capped plover.

And with that he hops back to the meeting of Important Birds.

Gaius follows him, on tip toe.

Will they continue to speak Latin? What a coup it will be, if they do.

But: Tik tik! Zwitt zwitt!. Kleep klepp! Sqaaaaah! Wheeeoo!

The Important Birds are in a tizz about something.

They have begun speaking in their mystic language, consisting of whistles and a degree of combinatorial phonology.

I see no alternative but to give a plain translation:

Pied oystercatcher: That fool has dropped his wheeled horse on our nest and all our eggs are broken!

Second pied oystercatcher: Alas! Broken, broken!

Fairy tern: The price you pay for wintering here.

Second pied oystercatcher: Alas! It should not be so.

Fairy tern: Of course but....

Red-capped plover:  And he thinks we wear white underpants as well.

Pied oystercatcher: Shameful!

Fairy tern: Let's all defecate on his wheeled horse, that will send a message.

Red-capped plover: Ha ha, yes! What's that saying? No one shits on me with impunity?

Fairy tern: It's Latin isn't it, that saying?

Red-capped plover: No, it's originally Bird.

Second pied oystercatcher: Never mind that, come on, let's do it!

They flutter up and one by one, they do it.

And so it is that when Gaius meets the others on the Tasman Highway just north of Orford, they are surprised to see his bicycle, formerly blue in colour, now sporting crusty speckles, brown and white.