Celestial Emporium Of Benevolent Knowedge

Mai-Mai has drawn up a column.

It's a crooked column, because she drew the radishes first, and some were bigger than others, and some had long tails.

She writes, at the head of the column: RADISHES (...........)

Alongside the RADISHES column, she draws up another column.

It has to be crooked as well. That is the nature of paper.

Red pencil poised at the head of the column, she hesitates.

What's not a radish? asks Mai-Mai.

A carrot, says Gaius.

Surely you are not going to divide your System of Vegetables into Radishes and Things That Aren't Radishes? says Carl Linnaeus. I should warn you, that would be foolish.

I meant not a real radish, says Mai-Mai. So, not a carrot, because if a carrot is a real carrot it can't just be not a real radish.

Good heavens, says her mother. I have spawned a genius in semantics.

I put it to you that it can, says Carl Linnaeus, ignoring semantics and addressing Mai-Mai, the budding botanist. I suggest you draw up several more columns, and use a ruler. Then I suggest you divide up your radishes into varieties. You have only just scratched the surface.

He's right, Mai-Mai, says Hui Zhong. For example what about the daikon? It needs a column.

No, says Mai-Mai. I've finished the radishes. My red's getting blunter and blunter.

Carrots are orange, says Gaius.

Why so keen on carrots? asks Carl.

I'm not, says Gaius I simply thought they were similar to radishes.

They are not similar, says Carl Linnaeus. They are an entirely different genus.

I know that, says Gaius. It was an artistic observation.

The Chinese have a different classification system, says Hui Zhong. Although for many years we didn't know it.

How can that be? asks Carl Linnaeus.

It was pointed out to us by a famous Argentinian novelist, says Hui Zhong. But it is only for animals.

Yes, animals! says Mai-Mai. Thanks ma!

She writes ANIMALS (............) at the head of the second column, and with a grey pencil, starts drawing an elephant.

It's not all that easy.

The ears look wrong. She turns it into a mouse.

Meanwhile, because Carl and Gaius have expressed an interest  Hui Zhong tries to recall all 14 animal categories of the Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, beginning with:

1. THOSE THAT BELONG TO THE EMPEROR
2. EMBALMED ONES
3. THOSE THAT ARE TRAINED
4. SUCKLING PIGS
5. MERMAIDS (or SIRENS)