Competent But Unlikely

It's late, but the lights are still on in the biological sciences lab.

Gaius drops his hired bicycle, and enters the lab.

Young Richard Ligon is there, with Professor Tinto.

They are watching two small snakes in a glass sided terrarium.

Gaius! says young Richard Ligon. Success!

Very good, says Gaius. I heard you had some results. What are they?

Young Richard Ligon shows Gaius the three DNA test printouts.

Excellent ! As we suspected, says Gaius.

He peers into the terrarium, at First Brother and Second Sister.

First Brother and Second Sister pay no attention to Gaius, because they are sharing a frog.

What happened to Tiny Sacrifice? asks Gaius.

Lost him, says young Richard Ligon. But it doesn't matter. These are his siblings, and I must say, a great deal more tractable.

And that is important, say Professor Tinto. Because we have a big conference organised.

Wonderful, says Gaius. Well good luck with that. By the way, has either of you seen Julia? I left something behind in her car.

She gave me a parcel, says Professor Tinto. Now where did I put it?

Behind the door, Professor Tinto, says young Richard Ligon.

Yes, over there, says Professor Tinto.

Gaius locates the parcel. It is loosely wrapped in two bread bags, tied with string in the middle.

Bread? inquires Professor Tinto. It'll be stale by now.

No, says Gaius. I'm not sure I should tell you what it is. But why not? After all, we're all scientists. It's a stuffed Barbados racer, stuffed long ago and kept in wardrobe, recently revealed when a female acquaintance needed slippers.

My, says Professor Tinto. If I were you, I'd keep it in the bread bag. Are you planning to take it out of the country?

I am hopeful of doing it, says Gaius. I fly to Düsseldorf tomorrow. As you probably know, the Tour de France starts off there, in July. I need to acclimatise...

Acclimatise! says Professor Tinto. Are you in it?

I believe so, says Gaius. I usually ride with Team Philosophe, or Team Condor. It is not yet decided.

Team Condor is a cool team, says young Richard Ligon. They've got Pablo Neruda.

Team Philosophe is also a cool team, if by that you mean competent but unlikely, says Gaius.

Young Richard Ligon agrees that by cool he means competent but unlikely.

Well, goodbye, says Gaius, waving his bread bag. A few bread crumbs fall out.

Waste not want not, says Gaius, dropping the breadcrumbs into the terrarium.

He exits the lab.

Nice fellow, says Professor Tinto. Very modest. It's a rare thing these days. But of course, he doesn't have the pressures.....

Complicated Trajectories

Three groups are slowly converging, under Saturn.

Gaius, Griff, Terence and the spirit of Iris Bannochie are on their way back to the hotel.

Tiny Sacrifice and Third Sister are getting nearer.

Ageless, Kobo and Nose are outside, on the beach.

A fourth party, young Richard Ligon, has lost track of the second party, and is doubling back to Gun Hill.

Gaius veers off on a whim. He will drop by the university to pick up the stuffed Barbados racer he left in Julia's mini.

Iris Bannochie, who sees in Gaius a reincarnation of her late second husband, goes with him.

Who shall we follow?

Young Richard Ligon. His trajectory is the least complicated.

He arrives at Gun Hill, determined to winkle more information from Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Good to see you, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Did you catch the snake siblings?

Not yet, says young Richard Ligon.

Thought not, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Snakes travel fast. By the way, you might like to remove my tin of red paint from ......between my back paws.

Why? asks young Richard Ligon. It's out of the way there.

It's out of MY way, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. But it's in the way of certain others. Just move it, will you.

Young Richard Ligon moves the red paint tin to a patch of dead grass.

A long collective moan emerges from the snake hole, followed by the head of Masteego.

Trying to kill us, hisses Masteego.

Tangerine calls from below. Is it safe to come out now?

No, says Masteego. There's a human.

I'm not a human, I'm a scientist, says young Richard Ligon. You're safe with me.

He says he's a scientist, darling, calls Masteego.

Oh, and that's all right is it? snaps Tangerine. First they discover us, then they carelessly reveal our location and open us up to poachers.

What do you want me to do, dear? asks Masteego. It's too late now.

Make him go. Tell him we're just here on holiday, says Tangerine.

I'm looking for Tiny Sacrifice, says young Richard Ligon. I hear he escaped with a sibling.

What did he say? asks Tangerine.

Tiny escaped with a sibling, says Masteego. Had you noticed?

No I hadn't, says Tangerine. Let me count my babies. One, two, three, four, five, six. Which one of you is missing?

Third Sister, says Second Brother.

Let this be a lesson to you, says Tangerine. What is the lesson?

Don't run off, says Second Brother.

That isn't the lesson, says Tangerine. Do I look unhappy?

No, says Second Brother.

It dawns on Second Brother that independence of spirit is valued.

That is the lesson.

How about, says Second Brother, I go with the scientist, in exchange for his silence.

I'll go too, says First Sister.

Masteego makes the offer.

Young Richard Ligon can hardly believe his good luck.

Saturn On Friday

It is still the same day, early evening.

Tiny Sacrifice and Third Sister have reached the base of Gun Hill.

Any more chocolate? asks Tiny Sacrifice.

No, says Third Sister. What else do snakes eat?

Frogs, say Tiny Sacrifice. Lizards. Other snakes, sometimes.

Yuk, says Third Sister. Would you eat me?

No way, says Tiny Sacrifice. You're my sister.

They slither on in silence, feeling hungry.

Where did you get the chocolate? asks Tiny Sacrifice.

Mother, says Third Sister.

Where did she get it?

A beautiful clam gave it to her, says Third Sister. Before we were born.

Let's find the beautiful clam, says Tiny Sacrifice.

How? asks Third Sister.

We'll ask Nose, says Tiny Sacrifice. Nose is my friend. She wears pirate pantaloons. She killed Stede Bonnet.

She sounds cool, say Third Sister. Let's go.

Tiny Sacrifice thinks he remembers the way back to the Waves Resort Hotel. It was just north of Deep Water Harbour. If he climbs up a tree, he might see it

But evening is deepening as he climbs up the cherry tree.

Lights are coming on in the Harbour.

Car headlights are flashing and swooping. Windows twinkle.

Saturn is visible in the sky. It is Friday.

What can you see? calls Third Sister.

The hotel, says Tiny Sacrifice. It's about ten minutes away.

Come down, calls Third Sister. I hear footsteps.

A cherry drops down.

Plop.

Tiny Sacrifice slithers down to his sister.

She is eating the cherry, but saving him half.

He loves his sister. She doesn't know he has eaten three cherries already.

They head off to the Waves Resort Hotel.

It is more than ten minutes away.

......

On the beach in front of the Waves Resort Hotel, sit Ageless lobster, and Kobo clam.

They are looking at Saturn.

The sky is beautiful tonight, says Kobo.

Not as lovely as you, my cream puff, says Ageless.

Why don't we stay in Barbados, says Kobo.

Because soon we'll be heading to Dusseldorf, says Ageless.

For the Tour de France? asks Kobo. Are you riding?

Not this year, my sweet. Baby Pierre has asked me to be his team manager.

Has he? says Kobo. What was he thinking?

I am the Claw. says Ageless. That's what he's thinking. The Claw knows all about tactics.

Do you hear sniffing? asks Kobo.

Ageless listens. He does.

They stop looking at Saturn, and focus on the sniffing, which is coming from Nose.

Kobo goes over.

What's the matter, Nose dear?

I feel so sorry for Tiny Sacrifice, says Nose. And I want to go home.

Come and sit with us, says Kobo. Where are the others?

At the Harry Bayley Observatory, sniffs Nose. I didn't go. I'm waiting for Tiny.

We'll all wait for Tiny, says Kobo. Come and sit in the middle. We're looking at Saturn.

It's a nice thing to do.

Wrong Thoughts About Life

It is mid afternoon when young Richard Ligon returns to Gun Hill, with a tin of red paint.

Yes! In the end he had got what he went for.

Hola! says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Red paint.

Yep! says young Richard Ligon. Chap in the paint shop tried to sell me paint stripper and waterproofer, and told me red was the wrong colour, but I stuck to your order.

Wrong colour? asks Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Why?

Red is for impulsive and optimistic, says young Richard Ligon.

It's a ball, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. It has little or no personality. Sounds like codswallop.

I know, says young Richard Ligon. And orange is no better.

Just for interest's sake, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson, what's the profile of orange?

Sociable, friendly, love of adventure, says young Richard Ligon.

That's me! says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Don't look like that. Only kidding. Red's good. But I do love adventure.

Must be hard, being stuck here, says young Richard Ligon.

No, my life isn't tedious,  I see all kinds of comings and goings, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Speaking of which.....

Yes?

Errr.. um... Tiny Sacrifice has left the snake hole. I was unable to stop him.

Fuck! says young Richard Ligon. Which way did he go?

There's only one way, says the lion. Downhill. One of his siblings was with him.

You sure? asks young Richard Ligon. Two of them! This could be huge! How long ago?

About half an hour, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Are you intending to follow them?

Of course I am! says young Richard Ligon. The sooner the better. Where do you want the paint?

I was rather hoping that you.....begins Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Yeah, but you screwed up, says young Richard Ligon.

True, sighs Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Just put the tin anywhere.

Young Richard Ligon shoves the tin of red Perma Flat Emulsion into the space between the back paws of the lion, inadvertently covering the entrance to the snake hole.

It goes darker than the usual degree of darkness inside.

Masteego! cries Tangerine. What has happened? Is it a punishment?

A temporary eclipse, says Masteego. Don't worry. It will pass.

Why is it so dark, mother? cry the babies, (all but Third Sister).

........

Tiny Sacrifice and Third Sister are slithering their way down Gun Hill.

They are not in a hurry. They have nowhere special to go.

This is the big world, says Tiny Sacrifice. How do you like it?

I love it, says Third Sister. What's to eat?

We'll find something, says Tiny Sacrifice. I climbed a tree once and found tree eggs.

You're so clever, says Third Sister.

You'll soon be as clever as me, says Tiny Sacrifice. Look there's a  tree. Go and climb it.

Third Sister tries, but can't seem to get any traction.

Watch me, says Tiny Sacrifice. He winds his way up the tree.

But this tree has no tree eggs.

He winds his way down again.

It's not dinner time yet, says Tiny Sacrifice.

Never mind, says Third Sister. Have some chocolate.

They share her last piece of Cacao Grenada.

Both thinking (wrongly): Life is good.

Not Impulsive Not Sexy Not Red

Young Richard Ligon is about to learn there is no such thing as a quick trip to the paint store.

In the High Street of Bridgetown, he finds Caribbean Champions of Colour, and goes inside.

Hello, says Harris. What can I do for you this fine morning?

Just a tin of red paint, says young Richard Ligon.

Hold it right there! says Harris. We know paint. I'll need to ask a few questions. First question: what is the paint for?

A lion, says young Richard Ligon. Not actually the lion, his ball.

Harris is quick on the uptake.

The Gun Hill Lion! says Harris. I know the one. Oh yes, I've often thought about that ball. It's a disgrace to the military. I put in a quote once, but the powers that be rejected it. Too expensive. I ask you! So..... did you get permission?

Shit, says young Richard Ligon. I never..... no, I don't have permission. But it was the lion who asked for it.

Okay, says Harris. Next question. What is the nature and condition of the surface?

You should know, says young Richard Ligon.

I have to ask these questions, says Harris. See, I'm punching them into my paint app. It'll tell us which products to recommend for optimal results.

Products! says young Richard Ligon. I just want red paint. Have you got any or haven't you?

When did you last buy paint? asks Harris.

Never, says young Richard Ligon. I live in rented accommodation.

So just answer the questions, says Harris.

Coral, says young Richard Ligon. Weathered coral. With several old red paint streaks.

Very good, says Harris, punching in this valuable (to the paint store finances) information.

A few seconds elapse while the paint app goes through its calculations.

Bingo! says Harris. You'll need a tin of paint stripper, and a 5 litre tin of  Febproof Plus Waterproof and Plasticiser, plus the paint. The app recommends our Harris Perma Flat Emulsion.

How much will that cost? asks young Richard Ligon.

That depends on the size of the ball, and how many coats you'll be giving it, says Harris. Yes I know, I've seen it. Okay. Say two coats. One tin ought to do it.

The cost? asks young Richard Ligon.

Not up to that yet, says Harris. I need to talk you through the Colour Psychology Test. This'll be tricky.

Why? asks young Richard Ligon.

Because you're buying the paint for a third party, says Harris.

I meant why do you have to do it, says young Richard Ligon.

We always do it, says Harris. It prevents complaints later.

All right, says young Richard Ligon. But can you speed it up a bit? I'm in a hurry.

Okay, says Harris. We'll start with red.

Seeing that's what I asked for, says young Richard Ligon.

Harris ignores him.

Would you say the lion is impulsive, sexy, quick to speak his mind, believes life is meant to be happy and exciting, and is an optimistic and animated leader?

No, says young Richard Ligon.

Then red's not the right colour, says Harris. Let's try orange. Would you say the lion is sociable, friendly, charming, has many friends and displays a natural enthusiasm and love of adventure?

None of these qualities seem to apply to Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

But time is wasting, and young Richard Ligon is sorely tempted to say yes.

No Nonsense Parental

The night ( which is still last night) continues.

Young Richard Ligon becomes impatient.

He shouts down the snake hole: Hoy! Come out now!

Tiny Sacrifice is having too much fun entertaining his brothers and sisters.

They can't get enough of his tales.

Even Tangerine and Masteego are listening.

The first thing I tried was half a raisin, says Tiny Sacrifice. And that was okay. But then they stuck a cotton bud down me.

What's a cotton bud? asks Third Sister, eyes wide.

A long white plastic thing with soft ends, says Tiny Sacrifice. I was as stiff as a snorkel.

What's a snorkel? asks Second Brother.

I'm getting to that, says Tiny Sacrifice. The raisin came out with the cotton bud, then I was fearfully hungry.

The brothers and sisters have never been fearfully hungry, because of the chocolate.

My friend....begins Tiny Sacrifice.

What friend? snaps Masteego.

Terence, says Tiny Sacrifice. He's a nice little boy. He took me on a mission to rescue his parrot, called Nose. I had to hide inside a snorkel and float from one ship to another...

That's enough now, children, says Tangerine. Bed time.

Aw, say the brothers and sisters.

No, that's it, says Masteego. Sleep, and no whispering!

Tiny Sacrifice loves this example of no-nonsense parental discipline.

He is the first to curl up in the corner.

....

He's not coming out, observes Not-Henry-Wilkinson. If you want to go, I'll keep watch until morning.

Very kind, says young Richard Ligon. I could do with some shut eye.

All I ask, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson, is a little red paint, to smarten my ball up.

Sure, says young Richard Ligon. Red paint. Not a problem.

.......

The next morning young Richard Ligon heads to the University for the results of the DNA test.

Professor Tinto is already there.

This could be a big thing for the University, says Professor Tinto. Imagine the funding we'll attract.

They examine the three sets of printouts.

Y Chromosome testing, showing variations in the Y chromosome passed from father to son. The test shows that Tiny Sacrifice's father is an arboreal tree snake.

Mitochondrial DNA testing, providing information about the direct female line. The test shows that Tiny Sacrifice's mother is a Barbados racer, therefore not extinct.

The Single Nucleotide Polymorphism test, evaluating large numbers of variations across the subject's entire genome, estimates Tiny Sacrifice's ethnic background. He is 50 % Barbadian, 25% African 20% Asian and 5% unknown.

Eureka! cries young Richard Ligon. What do we do now?

Keep it under wraps for the moment, says Profesor Tinto. I'll organise a conference. The important thing is, we have the....where is he? And where is the mother?

Young Richard Ligon promises to produce both the subject and the mother, after a quick trip to the paint store.

Tango Chocolate And Paint

A lot has happened to Tiny Sacrifice since last night at Gun Hill.

His parents lay low in their snake hole, under the lion.

They didn't come out.

They already had enough children.

Tiny Sacrifice sniffed in the darkness.

He could smell chocolate.

....

It's his brothers and sisters, eating the chocolate.

Tiny Sacrifice was removed as an egg. He knows nothing of brothers and sisters.

Young Richard Ligon shines his torch on the lion, whose name is Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Bit late for a delivery, growls Not-Henry-Wilkinson. Where is it?

What are you expecting? asks young Richard Ligon.

Paint for my ball, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Sorry, I don't have it, says young Richard Ligon. But since you're awake, have you seen this little guy's family?

Not-Henry-Wilkinson has. And he dislikes them, for three reasons.

1). The constant tango music, going on underneath him.
2). The fecundity of Tangerine and Masteego.
3). And they owe him some paint.

Yes, says Not Henry-Wilkinson. I have. They live below me.

I knew it! says Tiny Sacrifice.

He wriggles into the hole underneath Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Ask them about my paint, mutters Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

In the hole, the brothers and sisters stop sucking Cacao Grenada.

Tangerine and Masteego straighten up.

Mother! cries Tiny Sacrifice.

Tiny, says his mother, with a lesser degree of excitement

He's home.

Young Richard Ligon waits outside the hole, for something to happen.

What's your interest? asks Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

A possible new species, says young Richard Ligon. The mother was thought to be an extinct Barbados racer.

Shit! says Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

He knew that, but had lately forgotten.

I'm currently getting a DNA test done, adds young Richard Ligon. Results should be in now.

Really? says Not-Henry-Wilkinson. I always wanted a DNA test.

 I reckon you're coral, says young Richard Ligon. Clastic carbonate sediment. And you're wearing away a bit.

Don't I know it, says Not-Henry-Wilkinson.

Down below, Tiny Sacrifice is getting to know his three brothers and four sisters.

We've never been anywhere, says First Brother. Where have you been?

I've been on a pirate ship, says Tiny Sacrifice. And I've eaten a sandfly. But I don't recommend them.

We've got chocolate, says Third Sister. Would you like some?

Yes, please, says Tiny Sacrifice.

At least the boy has good manners, observes Masteego.

Closing The Wrong Eye

Louise is right. Terence can't see anything through the telescope.

He tries with both eyes. First one then the other.

He sees no moons, nothing. He cries.

Let me see, says Louise. She stands up on tiptoes.

Can you see them? asks Ade.

Yes, says Louise. I can see two quite big ones. And maybe....two little ones.

Very good, says Ade. The bigger ones will be Titan and Enceladus. Well done, Louise.

Wah! cries Terence.

Why are you crying? asks Griff.

He isn't crying, says Louise. He's made of cement. That's why he can't see through the telescope.

Griff bends down, cricking his knee in the process.

Gaius stops looking at Enceladus, and bends down as well.

The people in the queue behind them become agitated.

Two grown men squatting in front of an infant. The infant crying. Why don't they get out of the way? Saturn's moons won't be visible forever.

Ade comes to the rescue. Terence, look at the digital camera. You can see the moons there.

Yes, Terence can see the moons on the digital camera, next to the telescope.

(The telescope is equipped with robotic control and a digital camera).

Terence wipes his eyes. He is thinking:

If his eyes were cement, how could he be crying? How could he see the moons now?

How could he have seen the world passing from the top of the Sagrada Familia? How could he have hidden the tools of Saint Joseph so Saint Joseph couldn't whack him? How did he know which birds were parrots?

He puts these arguments to Louise

Okay, says Louise. You CAN cry and see. I think I know what was your problem.

What? hiccups Terence.

You did what little kids do, says Louise. You closed the wrong eye when you looked through the telescope.

Does that mean I get another go? asks Terence.

No, sorry, says Ade. Tonight we have too many people. Next, please!

It has not been a fun night for Terence.

He stomps down the stairs.

The spirit of Iris Bannochie is already down there, perched on the photo of Harry Bayley.

Did you see any moons? asks the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

Yes, says Terence. I saw Tights and I saw Enchiladas.

Ha ha ha, laughs the spirit. You mean Titus and Enceladus.

I said that, says Terence. And I saw them, even though I had my eyes shut.

Now that's not true, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie. There'll be no red drinks for liars.

No, it's true, says Louise, coming up behind them. And you're a humming bird. YOU don't say who gets red drinks.

But I do, says Gaius. And unfortunately we can't stay for the supper. I've had a call from young Richard Ligon, about Tiny Sacrifice.

Terence is disappointed. He drags his feet as they walk past the supper table towards the red door.

The spirit of Iris Bannochie realises she won't get a lift back if she doesn't follow.

Louise watches them go.

She is about to pick up a red drink from the table, when her mother appears, and says no.

How The Spirits Work

The talk and the video are finished. Everyone crowds up the stairs.

A queue forms behind the Meade 16" telescope.

There are so many people that no one will get a long turn at the eyepiece.

The lucky ones are exulting. Look, I see the moons!

Ade is showing them Saturn

Terence is standing next to Louise.

Saturn is the second largest planet, says Louise.

Who cares? says Terence. Which is the biggest?

Jupiter, says Louise.

Wrong, says Terence. The biggest one is called Grandpa.

You're not funny, says Louise. There's no planet called Grandpa.

Do you know everything? asks Terence.

No, says Louise.

Grandpa does, says Terence. He's called Grandpa Marx.

Nobody knows everything, says Louise. My grandpa knows particle physics. But he doesn't know everything.

Does he have a beard? asks Terence.

Yes, says Louise. A white one.

Does he have a planet? asks Terence.

No, of course not.

This is boring, says Terence.

I know, says Louise. Let's sneak up to the front. We might get a turn earlier.

Watch out for my parrot, says Terence. She's bossy.

That hummingbird? asks Louise. She's not a parrot.

That's what she says, says Terence. And she's not a humbling-bird either.

Can't you say hummingbird? asks Louise.

I said it, says Terence. But she isn't one. Aren't you listening?

What is she? asks Louise.

A parrot with a mean woman inside her, says Terence.

Both those things can't be true, says Louise.

She's a spirit, says Terence, flapping his arms to demonstrate how spirits work.

Are you religious? asks Louise.

What do I look like? asks Terence.

A baby Jesus, says Louise.

Okay, says Terence. Feel my elbow.

She feels his elbow. It feels rough and cementy.

You won't be able to see through the telescope, says Louise.

Terence is upset. He didn't expect her to say that.

What does she mean?

A God Called Grandpa

Welcome to the Harry Bayley Observatory, says Ade.

The crowd shuffles in. There is just enough seating.

I know you are all impatient to see Mars and Saturn, says Ade, but first, a talk, and a video. Then we'll all go upstairs.

Terence looks round for the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

She isn't on Gaius's shoulder.

Gaius is looking round too.

Embarrassing enough to arrive at an observatory with a hummingbird perched on your shoulder.

Worse still to misplace her, inside.

Ade begins his pre-stargazing talk.

Doctor Harry Bayley formed the Barbados Astronomical Society with W. Eustace Thomas Little in 1956, says Ade. If you turn and look to your left you will see the original 12.5 inch Newtonian telescope that Harry brought to the island.

Everyone turns.

There's a humming bird sitting on it! cries someone.

Crikey! says Ade. Nicholas! Shoo it out will you.

Nicholas gets ready to shoo.

It's my hummingbird, says Gaius, standing up. I do apologise.

He whistles through his teeth, enticingly. This works for normal birds. But not for Iris.

I'll get her! shouts Terence.

He runs towards the 12.5" Newtonian. The spirit of Iris Bannochie flies up.

DON'T TOUCH IT! squawks Iris Bannochie.

YOU did, says Terence.

Has he scratched it? asks Gaius.

Griff gets up and goes over. No, it's okay.

The spirit of Iris Bannochie has spotted a black and white photo of Harry Bayley.

Joy ! La-La-Lay! Dear Harry Bayley. Much more handsome than Gaius. How sad it was when he died.

She weeps a hummingbird tear over her dear Harry Bayley.

Enough distractions! says Ade. Time is wasting. Mars will have disappeared already.

The crowd thinks it's a swizz, if Mars has disappeared already.

Tonight is not going well.

Barbados is thirteen degrees north of the equator, says Ade. We have spectacular dark skies perfect for viewing the constellations. You're all in for a treat tonight. Saturn will be visible tonight from 8.10 pm. You'll be able to see some of it's moons very clearly.

Get on with it then, mutters Griff.

Yes? says Ade. Did you have a question?

Griff quickly thinks of a question.

Err....what will we see in the video?

Ridiculous question, hisses Gaius. We're about to be shown it.

But Ade answers all questions.

Star births, supernova explosions, spiral galaxies and the general vastness of the universe, says Ade. You will be introduced to the constellations and learn their names, and the names of the brightest stars. Now, who knows the names of the planets?

I do! says a kid in the front row. (There is always a smart kid).

And what are they named after? asks Ade.

The smart kid is stumped for a second. She was going to reel off the names. Now she has to think: what are they named after?

Her mum looks at her smiling, expectant.

Gods! says the smart kid.

Well done, Louise! says her mother.

And does anyone else know what the names are? asks Ade.

Louise knits her brows like a little god of thunder. She knows the answer and now someone else has to answer.

No other kid puts their hand up.

Ade looks at Terence. The kid who nearly crashed into the priceless Newtonian.

Do you know?

Terence has no idea.

Gods. Gods. Gods. Wait, yes, he DOES know!

The best one's called Grandpa, says Terence.

A Reminder That Death Comes To All

The Observatory opens at eight. So there's time for a quick snack in the Shiso restaurant.

Terence is excited. He orders a red drink, and gets one.

It's cherry juice.

That will do you good, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie. Drink it up.

Don't say that, says Terence. I give the orders.

Get used to the life of a parrot, says Nose.

I have no idea what you're talking about, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie. I'm no parrot. I'm strictly speaking not even a hummingbird.

Luckily the food arrives at this moment.

The waiter has told the chef that Gaius has a hummingbird on his shoulder.

In honour of which, the chef has decorated Gaius's flying fishburger with a sprig of Pride of Barbados.

I love this! says Iris Bannochie. It's the national flower of Barbados, and attractive to hummingbirds. May I try it?

The seeds are poisonous, says Gaius. Be careful.

No need to warn me, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

She picks at the flowers.

Mm-yum-yummm.

Shall we be going? asks Griff, who has gobbled his burger.

In a minute says Gaius, who has not. Why don't you go and ask Reception if young Richard Ligon has phoned.

Griff heads off to reception to ask Reception that question.

The answer is no.

But there is a message from Julia, who has found the stuffed Barbados racer in the boot of her Mini.

Damn! says Gaius. That was careless.

A stuffed one! says Nose. Lucky Tiny Sacrifice isn't here!

Why do you say that? asks Gaius. I intended it for a comfort. No doubt he's missing his parents.

Nose can't believe Gaius could be so insensitive.

If she had lost her parents, would she be comforted by stuffed ones? No! It would be too confronting. A reminder that Death comes to all.

A wave of nostalgia for her parents overwhelms her. Even the projected tunnel under the Upper Sturt Road seems less intimidating. For her mother and father would surely protect her from unsavoury bandicoot mates in distant locations....

I don't think I'll come to the Observatory, sniffs Nose. I'll just say here in case Tiny Sacrifice turns up.

Very good, says Gaius, not noticing her sniffles.

So the party for the Observatory now consists of Gaius and Griff on their hired bicycles, and Terence in Gaius' front basket with the spirit of Iris Bannochie, who is giving directions.

This way, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

They are heading out into the suburbs of Bridgetown, and uphill slightly.

The sky darkens. No clouds tonight. Good for observing the night sky through a sixteen inch telescope.

Now, Terence, says Iris Bannochie. When we get there, I want you to be very good and sit quietly while we listen to the talk and watch the video.

You can't say that! says Terence.

Oh yes I can, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie. I've experience with children.

You're a rubbish parrot, says Terence.

WHAT did I tell you? asks the spirit of Iris Bannochie

You're not a parrot, says Terence. And not a humble bird either.

Hummingbird, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie. Not a hummingbird. I'm inhabiting the  body of a hummingbird. It's not the same thing.

What's the humble bird like without you inside it? asks Terence.

A strangled cry emerges from between Iris Bannochie's twin beaks. Wark! Hope for the future.

But for now, it's ten to eight, and they have arrived at the Harry Bayley Observatory, recently refurbished, and repainted in cream with red details. Light beams from an open red door. A crowd of twenty five tourists is waiting.

Mars and Saturn are going to be visible tonight.

The Balance Of Power

Julia drops Griff and Gaius at the Waves Resort Hotel.

Thank you, Julia, says Gaius. I enjoyed my day off. But now I have work to do. Firstly, find young Richard Ligon.

If I see him, I'll let him know, says Julia. He may be up at the Uni.

Bye bye, Griffy, says Rachel. Have you had a good day?

Yes, bye and large, says Griffy.

Rachel laughs in a good natured way.

The two women head off in the Mini.

Gaius and Griff go inside, to enquire at Reception. Perhaps there will be a message from young Richard Ligon.

There is a message, says Reception. I wrote it down for you.

He hands Gaius a thin piece of paper.

Gaius reads: BUMHOLE!

Is this from Terence? asks Gaius.

What do you think? asks Reception. He didn't like being left here all day with Nose.

Where is he? asks Gaius. We must make it up to him.

I'm here, says Terence. I've been waiting and waiting.

He has, says Reception.

Where is Nose? asks Griff.

Gone for a long walk, says Reception.

What went wrong? asks Gaius.

The balance of power, says Terence. It's your fault.

Sorry, says Gaius. I should not have left Nose in charge. It was thoughtless.

Make it up then, says Terence. This is my list of demands.

Wait a minute, says Griff, A list of demands?

That's not like you, says Gaius.

It's my list, says Terence. It's got one thing on it.

That does sound like Terence. So does the fact that he hasn't written it down.

First, says Terence. As many red drinks as I want, any time I want them.

That's not just one demand, says Griff. It's too open ended.

Bumholes are open ended, says Terence.

Aaa-hah! Bumholes! Open ended!

This is so funny that Nose, returning from her long beach walk and overhearing, snorts with laughter.

And the humming bird, who has entered via an open window, laughs too.

Hummmmm-haha!

A parrot! cries Terence. Come here, parrot!

Nose stops laughing. She was the parrot. Almost. But no. The walk has resolved it. She smiles at her successor.

The successor lands on Gaius' shoulder. Pecks at his ear in a loving fashion.

Ex-ite! cries Gaius, surprised into Latin.

Parrot, says Terence. Come to ME!

Who is this little fellow? asks the humming bird.

Terence, says Gaius. I'm occupied with him at the moment. Could you go and kiss Griff now, perhaps?

It's you I love, says the hummingbird. Don't you know me?

I know you all right, says Gaius. You're the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

A spirit! cries Terence. Come here, spirit!

No, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie. But let me resolve the situation. I am nothing if not practical. A plant falters, replace it with another. The necessary murder of snails. These are my tenets. What's the problem?

He called me a....ahem....excuse me...a  bumhole, says Gaius. Because I left him with Nose. And he has a list of demands with one thing on it, but the thing is self-proliferating.

Easily fixed. Take him out! says the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

That's going too far, says Griff. Even for an unholy infant.

Not that, says the hummingbird. I refer to an outing. As it happens to be Friday, take him to the Harry Bayley Observatory. Young persons love it. We'll all go.

Yay! says Terence. Do they have red drinks there?

Red drinks and so much more, says the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

Who'd Be A Woman?

Rachel comes back on her own, with a big bunch of Women's Tongue (shak shak).

Those are not Seaside Beans, says Gaius.

They'll have to do, says Rachel. We stopped looking.

Where is he? asks Julia.

Resolving some issues, says Rachel. And the surf's up. Warm winds are blowing.

Issues? says Griff, suspicious.

Mother issues, says Rachel. Would you believe it? I probably shouldn't say.

So he's going surfing, says Gaius. What about his surfboard? He left it propped up against the rum shack.

So he did. They all turn their heads, to see Surfing-With-Whales and his surfboard, disappearing.

Best get going, says Julia. Everyone ready? Do we want to stop by Andromeda Gardens? Sharon might  be worried about Rachel.

NO! says Gaius. I mean, no. I don't wish to risk a second encounter with the spirit of Iris Bannochie.

Golly, says Julia. You saw her? What did she look like?

It was more what she sounded like, says Gaius. A buzzer.

Oh, says Rachel That could have been a hummingbird.

A hummingbird would hardly tell me I reminded her of her late husband, says Gaius.

Which one? asks Julia.

Harry Bayley, says Gaius. Apparently he was a keen astronomer.

He would have been, says Julia. There's a Harry Bayley Observatory in Bridgetown.

Yes! says Rachel. Open to the public every Friday evening.

Have you visited? asks Julia.

No, says Rachel. But I hear it's quite good. It's the only observatory in the Caribbean.

They are now getting into the Mini.

Rachel first. Her green dress is mended with clear fishing line, so she has to be careful.

She knows this from when she sat down on the beach track with Surfing-With-Whales.

She had sat on an irritating thread end, and Surfing-with-Whales had been obliged to do something about it.

This had only contributed to his issues. Never mind. He was coming to see her on the weekend, in Bridgetown. She would comfort him then. Such a nice young man really.....

In yet? says Griff.

Yes, says Rachel. You next.

But it doesn't feel quite the same.

Julia drives. Gaius examines his yellow bunch of shak shak.

The stuffed Barbados racer is in the boot, undemanding of anyone's attention.

They pass the Andromeda Gardens.

A hummingbird, humming idly near the entrance, spots them and follows.

Hummmmmmmzz. I'll just see where they're going......

The Mini pulls up outside Hunte's.

I'll drop these off, says Gaius. Along with the pink fluffy slippers.

Here they are, says Rachel wriggling strategically to get them off without moving her bottom across the fishing line mend or disturbing her turban.

I know. Who'd be a woman?

Gaius goes in.

Shak shak! says Anthony. I asked for Seaside Beans. Never mind. It was just a ruse anyway. Did Rachel make use of the slippers?

I believe so, says Gaius.

Here are her sandals, says Anthony. They were safe in the wardrobe. By the way, there's a humming bird behind your right shoulder.

Woman's Tongue

Only souse scraps now, on the table, and a few cutter crusts. Empty rum glasses. One bottle, sticky with cherry juice.

We should head back soon, says Julia.

We should, says Gaius. Now where are those Beans?

The bunch of Seaside Beans lies under his chair, severely wilted.

I'll  get you some more, says Surfing-With-Whales.

I'll come with you, says Rachel. I'll put on my dress first.

She stands up, and steps into her parrot green dress.

Performs a wide twirl. How's the back looking?

Great, says Julia. Don't be too long, guys.

Rachel and Surfing-With-Whales walk down the beach track to gather some more Seaside Beans.

Australia, says Rachel. I always wanted to go there.

You should go then, says Surfing-With-Whales. Seize the day. Nietzsche.

Horace, says Rachel. It's Latin.

How is it Latin? says Surfing-With-Whales.

Carpe diem, says Rachel. That's Latin.

Did I say it in Latin? says Surfing-With-Whales. No I didn't.

Okay, says Rachel. I get it. But it wasn't Nietzsche. He was German.

Yeah, he was, says Surfing-With-Whales. Stiff as. But guess what? He had an affair with my mother.

(Yes Surfing-With-Whales has moved on. He can deal with it now. He had counselling from a very nice counsellor).

Your mother must be a remarkable woman, says Rachel.

She is, says Surfing-With-Whales. She does Level Three Reiki.

Is that the one where you don't have to be there, says Rachel.

One of you does, says Surfing-With-Whales.

I mean, can she do healing from a distance? asks Rachel.

Yep, says Surfing-With-Whales. If I busted something right now, I'd just call her.

Why would you need to? asks Rachel.

Yeah, probably wouldn't need to, says Surfing-With-Whales. You'd get on well with my mother. You remind me of her.

Oh, says Rachel.

They walk on in silence, looking for Seaside Beans.

All they can see are wild cucumbers, blue vines, and shak shak, a yellow sweet pea.

Woman's tongue, says Rachel.

You what? says Surfing-With-Whales, who had been deep in contemplation. Those second best shorts. His mother had been giving Nietszche a groin massage. Nietszche had strained it, trying too hard. The shorts needed laundering. But he never wanted them back after that. What happened to them? Oh yeah, he gave them to Sweezus. He liked them. Didn't know about the spunk junk. Probably wouldn't have cared....

Shak shak, says Rachel. Women's tongue. That's what they call it.

No kidding, says Surfing-With-Whales. Wanna sit down for a minute?

An Exemplary Man

Sit down, says Surfing-With-Whales. What's everyone having?

Fried fish, says Rachel. And rum.

Same, says Julia.

Gaius looks at the menu. Fried fish. Macaroni pie. Rice and peas. Bread and souse. Fish cutters.

A fish cutter, says Gaius. Whatever it is.

It's just a sandwich, says Julia. But I'm sure you'll love it. You'll want beer with that.

Will I? says Gaius. Why not? Griff what are you having?

Griff thinks, if fish cutters are sandwiches, he'll have bread and souse.

Surfing-With-Whales goes up to the bar to order.

Then he comes back with the drinks.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. This whole place is awesome. Less tourists. Fantastic surf. So what are you guys doing on this side of the island? You staying somewhere?

No, says Julia. I'm just showing Gaius around. Griff and Rachel tagged along with us. Rachel wanted to go swimming.

Yeah, bad luck her dress ripped says Surfing-With-Whales.

It ripped on a boulder, says Rachel. I stood up too quick. I'll fix it later.

I could fix it right now, says Surfing-With-Whales. I'm pretty handy with a needle.

Really? says Rachel. Masculinity studies?

No way! says Surfing-With-Whales. I help mum in her craft shop, in the off season. She makes surf bracelets.

Rachel hands him her parrot green dress.

Griff's bread and souse arrives, smelling porky.

He tries it. Mm. Very nice. What is souse exactly?

Pickled pig parts, says Rachel. We don't waste anything here.

Parts, says Griff. What parts?

Feet, snout, ears, says Rachel. Do you still want it?

I wish I'd ordered that, says Gaius.

Surfing-With-Whales has whipped out his needle and a length of clear fishing line from the pocket of his boardies.

Julia and Rachel sit watching him, smiling. An exemplary man.

You said you and Gaius were on the same team once, says Julia.

Yep, says Surfing-With-Whales. Tour Down Under, Tour de France. Yeah...

No kidding! says Julia. You ride at that level. And you, Gaius?

Indeed, says Gaius. In fact, I should be thinking of getting in a bit of practice.

His fish cutter arrives.

That looks nice, says Griff.

(It looks like a normal fish burger. No feet, snout or ears, fish don't have them.... ).

Where are we in the racing calendar? asks Gaius.

The middle of the Giro, says Julia.

Already! says Gaius.

Trust you not to know, says Surfing-With-Whales, stitching the green silk fabric roughly.

Oi, says Rachel. Watch what you're doing!

No worries, says Surfing-With-Whales, paying attention to the frayed edges.

Are you in it this year, Gaius? asks Julia.

Undoubtedly, says Gaius. I ride for Team Philosophe. Well, I say that, sometimes I'm pipped out by a
visiting philosopher.

Then what? says Julia.

Team Condor will usually have me, says Gaius. Failing that, Team Parrot, or Team Crustacean. But they're not my preferred options.

I can understand that, says Julia.

What do you do, Julia? asks Surfing-with-Whales, licking his finger.

I manage the Sea Turtle Project, at the Uni, says Julia.

Coolio! says Surfing-With-Whales. There's a nesting beach north of Bathsheba.

I know, says Julia.

Tell you what, says Surfing-With-Whales. We could go there.

No we couldn't, says Julia. It's my job to make sure no one disturbs them.

It's your day off though, says Surfing-With-Whales.

No. Says Julia. Even on my day off I won't disturb nesting sea turtles.

Good woman, says Surfing-With-Whales.

He bites off the thread. It's fishing line. How does he do it?

That's not for me to explain.

He hasn't done a bad job though. Rachel is happy.

Karma Is Maths

Rachel is tired of swimming. She heaves herself out of the sea.

Rachel! says Julia. You need a towel!

I'll be fine, says Rachel. I'll dry.

Yes, but.... says Julia. You're attracting attention. I'll see if I can borrow a towel.

A couple of surfers are standing nearby, estimating the swells.

Got a towel? asks Rachel. My friend....

Surfers never use towels, says the one we know, (but Julia doesn't), as Surfing-With-Whales.

Oh yes? says Julia. What about in the bathroom?

Fuck a duck! says Surfing-With-Whales. You should get with those two guys up there. They reckon god, like, you know, 'God' god, is a maths geek.

God-god? says Rachel. They do?

We know them, says Julia. They came here with us in my Mini.

No kidding, says Surfing-With-Whales. Why am I not surprised? Yeah, I know them. In fact, Gaius and me were on the same team once.

Are we just going to stand here? says Rachel. I need to get back to my clothes.

Your dress is ripped at the back, dear, says Julia. I noticed.

Drat, says Rachel. Oh well, this is where a turban comes in handy.

Surfing-with-Whales is impressed with her equanimity. She reminds him of his mother, Lauren Swales.

He walks up the beach with them, shielding Rachel from his own prying eyes with his long board.

Back again, says Gaius.

Yes, says Rachel. Now don't look, boys!

She takes off her turban. Her luxurious hair tumbles down.

She wraps the long strip of printed silk fabric round her top half. It isn't long enough to cover the bloomers.

That'll do, says Rachel. I don't suppose you remembered to bring me a cherry juice?

That's where you're wrong, says Griff. We brought you a cherry juice and three coconut bisc... no, no, we've eaten the biscuits.

Ha ha. So, God does maths, says Rachel. This young man was just telling us.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. But that's more like Karma.

Karma is a form of maths, says Julia. Sort of. You do something. You get payback.

No, that's economics, says Rachel.

Surfing-With-Whales has had enough of this shallow chatter.

Yeah well, I'm heading off to the Seaside Rum Shack. See ya's later.

Wait, says Gaius. I should like you to show me the beans.

What beans? says Surfing-With-Whales.

The Seaside Beans, says Gaius. I promised a sample to Anthony Hunte, at Hunte's Gardens.

Okay, says Surfing-With-Whales. Come with me.

If you're going to the Rum Shack, says Rachel, I'm coming too.

Me too, says Julia. Coming, Griff?

Yes, they are all coming. They trudge up the path to the car park.

Cool beach, says Surfing-With-Whales. Kelly Slater comes here, and Taylor Knox and the Malloy brothers...

Who? says Gaius. Should I know them?

Man! says Surfing-With-Whales. These guys are surf gods! Soup Bowl has this world class right point break when the swells are big. Look, these are Seaside Beans. Want some?

They just look like sweet peas, (Fabaceae), pretty racemes of pink and white flowers.

Abundant, and common. But yes, Gaius supposes he wants some.

God Is Totally Grinning

Julia has gone down to the edge of the water, to try and attract Rachel's attention.

Rachel is rising and submerging, like a small whale.

And the waves are increasing in magnitude to the joy of the surfers.

Gaius and Griff sit on the flat sand, debating the pros and cons of being idle.

This is the life, says Griff.  I wonder if she'll eat all these biscuits.

You know she will, says Gaius. After swimming, she'll be hungry.

I could be happy here, says Griff.

I couldn't, says Gaius. Life is too.....what do they call it?

Laid back, says Griff. 

Exactly, says Gaius. And what does one see, lying back?

Sky and birds, says Griff.

Besides that, says Gaius, losing the argument.

Whatever's up there, says Griff. Don't you sometimes wonder? Your gods for example.

I know one thing, says Gaius They are not on Barbados. They are far too busy. Not that I believe in them nowadays.

I believe, says Griff.

A wonderful generalisation, says Gaius. In what?

God, says Griff, dreamily. There are at least five reasons.

Pooh, scoffs Gaius. Give me just one. 

Mathematics, says Griff, unexpectedly.

He is still looking up at the sky.

Gaius is too, at this moment.

And it may have little to do with mathematics, but there is more up there than just birds and sky.

A face is dripping down upon Gaius.

Shit-a-brick! Is that you, Gaius?

Gaius sits up, squinting. Who has interrupted the discussion about religion and maths?

Neptune's knob! It's Surfing-With-Whales.

What're you doing here? asks Surfing-With-Whales. Chilling? That's not like you.

Having a day off, says Gaius. And believe me, I'm beginning to find it quite tedious. I should be back at the University checking the DNA results for a hybrid Barbados racer. I should be collecting Seaside Beans. I should...

I'd forgotten about the Seaside Beans, says Griff. I'm Griffith Hughes by the way. Naturalist and author.

Seaside Beans, says Surfing-With-Whales. They're bloody everywhere. I'll grab you a bunch if you want 'em.

Sit down, says Gaius. We were having a theological discussion, involving the relationship between God and mathematics.

Fuck, says Surfing-With-Whales. 

No need for that, says Gaius.

No shit, says Surfing-With-Whales. He stands up and heads back to the sea with his surfboard.

Unbelievable!

Who is that rude fellow? says Griff.

Surfing-With-Whales, says Gaius. Friend of Sweezus. Nice chap. Lent his board shorts to Nietzsche, last summer. Only his second best pair. Still....

God, says Griff, to continue, is the only being who could have come up with mathematics, because mathematics exists independent of physical reality.

That doesn't prove anything, says Gaius. What say we eat these coconut biscuits? Rachel won't mind.

Mm, if you think so, says Griff.

They eat the three biscuits, divided fairly, by breaking the third one in half.

Should there be a mathematically-minded God, he would be totally grinning.

Rips In The Fabric

Rachel and Julia have reached the bottom of the garden.

But there is no way through to the sea.

Damn! says Rachel. Does that mean I have to go all the way up again?

'Fraid so, says Julia. Unless you want to keep looking for an easy way through.

You look, says Rachel. I'm going to sit down on this boulder.

She plops herself down on the boulder. Luckily she has adequate padding. The coral is razor sharp.

Julia goes off, to look for an outlet.

Rachel leans back, smelling the sea.

Julia comes back.

I found a way through, says Julia. If you want to risk it, come with me.

Rachel stands up. Woo! Now there are rips in the back of her parrot green outfit.

......

Up top, in the Hibiscus Café, Griff and Gaius are waiting, with four cherry juices, and a plate of coconut biscuits.

Julia comes in.

Where's Rachel, cries Griff. Has she had an accident?

No, says Julia. She stayed down there. She's forging on through to the beach.

Gaius and Griff exchange glances.

What do the exchanged glances say?

Hard to tell really. There are several possibilities.

a) A dangerous escapade for such a large woman, in pink fluffy slippers!

b) What about the fourth glass of cherry juice which we've already paid for?

c) That means more room for Griff in the back of the Mini, and no more shenanigans.

Or maybe all three.

........

Rachel squirms her way through the moist undergrowth and under a fence which is partially broken.

She stands up, and checks if her turban is crooked. No, it isn't.

She should feel the back of her skirt. Her fingers would go through it in places. But she doesn't.

She hears the breaking of waves, and forges ahead in the pink fluffy slippers.

.......

On the beach, surfers gaze disconsolately at the small waves.

Rachel breaks through behind them.

Ahoo! whoops Rachel. I knew it! This beach is perfect for swimming.

The surfers turn their heads round, one by one.

The first one looks like someone we know.

There are only a few looks for surfers.

Yeah, says the surfer. All right for you, lady.

Well, I'm going in, says Rachel. Look after my slippers.

She kicks off her slippers. And peels off her parrot green dress, to reveal brightly striped bloomers.

The surfers watch her receding towards the disappointing surf, which now seems less disappointing.

.......

Gaius, Griff and Julia arrive only ten minutes later.

They plod down to the beach, with one cherry juice in a bottle and three coconut biscuits in a plastic container.

Not much surf today, says Julia. But wow! look at all those guys in the water!

Harry Was Always So Keen

Rachel stomps down the path in her slippers, kicking every specimen of heliconia Iris Bannochie.

That will show Iris Bannochie.

Please don't kick us, whisper the ordinary heliconia Iris Bannochies.

Why not? says Rachel You were rude about my slippers.

Not us, say the heliconia Iris Bannochies. We like your slippers. We think you're brave to walk in this garden in slippers.

Don't I know it, says Rachel. And okay. I won't kick you again.

Griff, overhearing, thinks Rachel's feet must be hurting.

Shall we all go back to the café? says Griff.

Gaius is willing. What use are plants when you don't have a notebook? And he feels peckish.

Not yet, says Rachel grimly. I'm going right down to the bottom to look at the sea.

I'll come with you, says Julia. You guys go up if you like. Order us a fruit juice.

And coconut biscuits, says Rachel.

Iris didn't mention coconut biscuits, says Gaius.

This is Barbados, says Rachel There are bound to be coconut biscuits. And I'll have a cherry juice.

Griff and Gaius walk back up the path, skirting the heliconia Iris Bannochie.

But the spirit of Iris Bannochie sees them, and follows, at ear level.

Gaius reminds her of her late first husband, Doctor Harry Bayley.

Darling.... murmurs Iris, remembering dear Harry who was always so keen on astronomy.

Gaius senses a buzzing in his ear. He brandishes the stuffed Barbados racer.

Watch what you're doing! says Griff.

Apologies, says Gaius. I feel edgy, without a notebook.

Me too, says Griff. Days off are overrated.

Perhaps, though, says Gaius, we feel this ennui because circumstances have resulted in us visiting two famous Barbadian gardens, when one would suffice. However, we still have the Atlantic ocean to look forward to.

We do, agrees Griff. And in the company of two excellent ladies. Rachel's a fine woman, don't you think?

We did get on well, in Hunte's Gardens, admits Gaius. We had an edifying chat about slavery.

Each to his own entertainment, thinks Griff.

The buzzing in Gaius's ear increases.

He flails about with the Barbados racer. Whack! Whack!

Ouch! says the spirit of Iris Bannochie (more for the effect than anything).

You! says Gaius. Are you following us for a reason?

You remind me of someone I love, says Iris Bannochie.

Gaius is embarrassed.

Griff helps him out by asking her if there will be coconut biscuits in the café.

I believe so, says Iris. Also a lovely nutty banana bread. Some days they sell guava slices. Are you having fruit juice or coffee?

Juice, says Gaius. Any recommendations?

You simply must try the wonderful cherry juice, says Iris Bannochie.

We intend to, says Griff. Rachel has already put in her order.

Don't mention I recommended it, says Iris. Rachel doesn't seem to like me. I spotted her kicking my plants.

Our lips shall be sealed, says Gaius, except for the purpose of imbibing your excellent cherry juice.

O, ha ha! laughs Iris. You have the same sense of humour as dear Harry.

I Hang Out Here

Wait here, says Sharon. I'll get someone to show you around.

No need! says Rachel. I'll do it. Just give me one of those guide sheets.

Are you sure? says Sharon.

Yes, says Rachel, seizing a guide sheet.

All right, says Sharon. That would be helpful. Be careful on the paths in those slippers. When you've finished your tour, we've a very nice café. Drop in for coffee and cakes.

Okay, says Rachel. Come on, peeps! Follow me. I'll be tour leader.

Gaius, Griff and Julia follow Rachel down the winding path through the garden.

Hurry up! says Rachel. We don't have all day.

We know you want to go swimming, says Griff. But let's take our time, shall we.

Rachel ignores him.

There's a grotto-like lily pond marked here, says Rachel. Look, Julia.

The two women pore over the  map.

That way, says Julia.

No, look, says Rachel. The sea is at the bottom, so that must be East, don't you think.

So the map's upside down, says Julia. That means we've already passed the pond.

But we haven't, says Rachel.

The lyrical sound of tree frogs reaches their ears.

Do tree frogs live in lily ponds? asks Rachel.

I'm more of a Sea Turtle person, says Julia.

Shall we separate? says Gaius. I believe I could do better on my own.

No, says Rachel. Let's keep together. So what if we've missed it? Does anyone else smell the sea?

I do, says Griff.

Good, says Rachel. Lets follow our noses.

The garden sweeps down a steep hillside among giant fossil encrusted coral boulders, a riotous leafy cascade of colours.

Seen all these at Hunte's Gardens, says Griff.  Seen that one. Seen that. Bearded Fig Tree. Seen that. Ginger lilies....

Look at this heliconia, says Gaius. The label says..... it's named after Iris Bannochie!

Let me see, says Julia. O how lovely. Heliconia stricta Iris Bannochie. So pretty.

I am not pretty, says the heliconia stricta.

Did you hear that? says Rachel.

I did, says Julia. The plant spoke.

Impossible, says Gaius.

I thought I heard someone say 'I am not pretty', says Griff. There are visitors all over the place in this garden. Perhaps it was an echo.

Perhaps it was the spirit of Iris Bannochie, says the heliconia stricta.

Gaius bends down.

Is that a stuffed snake in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? asks the heliconia stricta.

What! says Gaius, shocked to the core, at the lewd implication.

I've always wanted to say that, says the heliconia stricta. Mae West said it. So hilarious. But in her case, the man had a gun. Not many people these days pass by me with guns in their pockets, so I took the opportunity. Don't worry, I know it's a stuffed snake. What type of snake is it? A racer?

What's it saying? asks Rachel. Does it think it's Iris Bannochie?

My spirit resides in the garden, says the heliconia stricta. I usually hang out here. Nice view of the sea and the boulders. You can hear tree frogs. Once Prince Charles visited. He was only a boy then. Another time, the Queen of Denmark. She stayed for morning tea.

In the café? asks Julia. Is it nice?

Yes, says Iris Bannochie. Very nice indeed. I recommend the ginger biscuits. Or the scones, jam and cream.

You must know a great deal about plants, says Gaius, having somewhat recovered.

I do, says Iris Bannochie. I was awarded the Veitch Memorial Medal for services to tropical horticulture.

And do you know Anthony Hunte? asks Gaius.

Of course, says Iris Bannochie. We both established fine gardens in deep gullies. There are not too many large gardens in Barbados. Too many sugar cane fields. But don't get me started....

Would you happen to know why Anthony would want Seaside Bean cuttings? asks Gaius.

Good heavens, no! says Iris Bannochie. I can only think he was pulling your leg. Or trying to prevent you from doing something else. Were you thinking of swimming?

I was, says Rachel

There you are then, says Iris Bannochie. Can't say you weren't warned.

It takes more than the Atlantic to get the better of me, says Rachel.

Are those fluffy pink slippers I see on your tootsies? asks Iris Bannochie.

Meaning ? says Rachel.

Oh ....nothing, says Iris.

Delaying Tactics

Soon they are all in the Mini, heading for Bathsheba.

It shouldn't be far.

Nowhere is far, in Barbados.

Julia is driving.

Gaius sits beside her, clutching the stuffed Barbados racer and a large bag of seed pods, marked Pride of Barbados.

In the back seat, Griff and Julia, oddly disposed.

Her pink fluffy slippers appear now and then in the rear vision mirror. At other times, the turban.

It is left to Gaius and Julia to keep up an intellectual conversation.

Julia: I can't understand it. Iris Bannochie must have thousands of Pride of Barbados plants already.

Gaius: Yes, they do seem quite common.

Julia: Did you know it's our national flower?

Gaius: I did. Caesalpinia pulcherrima. A beautiful inflorescence in yellow, red and orange with particularly long graceful stamens.

Julia: It attracts hummingbirds.

Gaius: Am I mistaken, or did I see it on a flag once?

Julia: Yes, that would be the queen's flag. Her flag depicts two red flowers, the Pride of Barbados, and a Bearded Fig tree, in the middle of which is a big E with a crown on.

Gaius: Ha ha! A big E with a crown on.

Julia: It's not our Barbadian flag. Our flag is blue and yellow, with a broken trident.

Gaius: Neptune's trident. I've seen it. I thought it was short in the handle. Why is it broken?

Julia: It's broken, to symbolise the break with Great Britain.

Gaius: One in the eye for Great Britain! Or should I say 'One in the E with a crown on'!

Julia: Ha ha. You're so funny.

Gaius: I pride myself on it. I must say Julia, I'm enjoying my day off immensely.

Griff  (muffled, from the back seat): Are we there yet?

Yes, they are pulling up outside the famous Andromeda Gardens.

As with Hunte's Gardens, it is thirty dollars for entry.

Julia goes up to the ticket box.

Delivery from Anthony Hunte for Iris Banocchie. May we see her?

Sharon: Dear me. You're too late to see Iris Bannochie. She died in 1988. So there are four of you? That's one hundred and twenty dollars. Oh! Hello, Rachel! Don't you look amazing!

Rachel Pringle Polgreen has stepped out of the mini, resplendent in her turban, her parrot green dress and pink fluffy slippers.

Poor old Iris. Dead is she? says Rachel.

Yes, says Sharon. These things happen. She was seventy four. But her memory lives on in the garden. It's even been featured on BBC2 Gardener's World.

Well, says Rachel. We want to go swimming. We'll just drop off these seeds.

I don't think you should go swimming, Rachel, says Sharon. The ocean's too rough on this side.

Who cares! says Rachel. You only live once. Ask dear old Iris.

No, no! says Sharon. Come in all of you. Free of charge. I'll get someone to show you the gardens. Give me the seed pods. What are they? Oh! Pride of Barbados! Why would Anthony think we need those?

There is no logical answer.

Some things are just carelessly constructed delaying tactics.

Rejected

Do you want those? asks Rachel.

These old slippers? No, of course not, says Anthony. I don't know how they got there.

I'll borrow them if you don't mind, says Rachel. My sandals are pinching.

You can't go to Bathsheba Beach wearing pink fluffy slippers, says Julia.

Just in the car, says Rachel.

Is that where you're heading? asks Anthony. Bathsheba?

Yes, says Julia. Don't worry. I'm okay to drive.

Are you sure? asks Anthony. Those rum punches.....

Tell you what, says Julia. I might wait a while.

Then you must have a fruit juice, offers Anthony. And you others may as well keep drinking rum punches. How about it?

Sure, says Rachel. Why not? You too, Griffy?

Griff is watching Gaius. Gaius is fingering the stuffed Barbados racer, in the wardrobe.

I ought not to have that stuffed snake, says Anthony. They're extinct now.

Perhaps I could take it, says Gaius.

Please do, says Anthony. It's a good specimen. You may as well do something with it.

I have something in mind for it, says Gaius.

Anthony pours more rum punches, and one fruit juice.

What do you have in mind for it? asks Rachel.

A comfort for Tiny Sacrifice, says Gaius. He has been rejected by both his parents.

Oh? says Rachel. My heart bleeds for him. I was, well..... hardly rejected, but you know what I mean. How I would have loved my own Barbados racer to scare off my father. A real one would have been even better. Is Tiny Sacrifice under your protection?

He is, says Gaius. Although, last night he was abducted by young Richard Ligon. In a coffee cup!

Perhaps you should have a fruit juice, says Anthony. In a coffee cup! That's absurd!

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. Tiny Sacrifice is not a child. He is a young snakeling.

Is that the right word? asks Julia. Snakeling? Isn't it snakelet?

Snakelet, says Rachel. Yes, it has to be snakelet.

Griff decides to say something funny.

I'll buy you a snakelet, says Griff. You can wear it round your turban.

Round my turban? cries Rachel.

Griff means a necklet, says Julia. Or an anklet. Or a bracelet. Not a snakelet. Imagine that on your turban.

What? cries Rachel, standing up quickly.

Nothing, dear. We must be going, says Julia.

Anthony regrets giving them those extra rum punches.

Bathsheba Beach is a wild place, with strong swirling currents, and huge rocks, shaped like animals.

Too rough for swimming, especially if they go near the Soup Bowl.

I know, (thinks Anthony). I'll give them a horticultural task. That will keep them busy and out of danger.

Seeing as you're going, says Anthony, and will be returning this way, would you mind dropping off this bag of seed pods to Iris Bannochie at Andromeda Gardens, Bathsheba?

He picks up a random bag of seed pods, marked Pride of Barbados.

Delighted, says Gaius, taking the seed pods.

And perhaps you could bring back some cuttings, says Anthony. Some Seaside Beans would be welcome.

Certainly, says Gaius. What do they look like?

Beans! says Rachel. Come on!  I want to go swimming!

She pulls off her sandals and puts on the fluffy pink slippers,

Don't let her go swimming, says Anthony to Julia.

She'll be fine, says Julia, as Rachel trips out to the car.

Unnatural Metaphors

Having been down to the bottom of the sink hole (dark and mysterious), and up to the top again, they drop in on Anthony.

Come in, come in, did you enjoy the garden? asks Anthony. Find yourself comfy chairs. I'll get us some biscuits.

Griff, Rachel and Julia sit down.

Gaius pokes about a bit.  Anthony collects curios and knicknacks.

Giant seed pods, fluted shells, garlanded statues, purple orchids in pots, a large wardrobe.

He would love to know what's in the wardrobe.

Anthony returns with more rum punches, and sugary biscuits.

I shouldn't , says Rachel, taking three. I'm too big as it is.

You're beautiful, says Anthony, and let no one tell you any different. How are things with you anyway?

Very good, says Rachel I lecture part time at the University. How about you?

Oh same old same old, says Anthony. We get plenty of visitors. I started this garden in the fifties, you know.

It's wonderful, says Julia. But what else would you expect from a legendary horticulturalist?

I didn't think much of the classical music, says Griff. It's not natural.

Horticulture itself is not natural, says Anthony. The music is a metaphor.

What for? asks Griff.

Horticulture, says Anthony.

Time to change the subject.

Yes, says Rachel, gender studies are the way to go these days. I attract plenty of students, mainly female.

How about Lewis? asks Julia.

He lectures on masculinity issues, says Rachel. He gets plenty of women.

What are masculinity issues? asks Gaius, turning away from the wardrobe.

Oh... you know, says Rachel. Let me think now. Lewis says that the status of men and masculinity is inextricably linked to the crises and contradictions of capitalism.

Yes! Isn't everyone's? says Anthony.

But Lewis takes issue with what's-her-name, says Rachel. The one who argues that male masculinity is best showcased within female masculinity.

Whatever is that? asks Julia.

Something different from gender, says Rachel. I don't know. I won't touch it.

What fun though, says Julia.

Gaius takes a sugary biscuit.

What a day this is. And it's not over.

Anthony, may I ask you what's in the wardrobe?

Nothing much, says Anthony. Just some old stuffed reptiles. Are you interested in reptiles?

He opens the wardrobe, to reveal a stuffed Barbados racer, and a pair of pink fluffy slippers.

How embarrassing, says Anthony. I hope you don't think they're my slippers.

The Good Owner

Yes, Rachel suggests it.

They sit down on twisty chairs in a nook, amongst colourful leafage, to drink their rum punches.

A hummingbird hums, somewhere near Gaius's ear.

Rachel continues her story:

I opened a popular tavern in Canary Street, and by the 1780s I owned five properties, valued at thirteen hundred pounds.

By tavern, I imagine you mean...?

Yes, a brothel. And I had my own slaves. There now, what do you think of that?

The hummingbird stops humming.

It was obviously a long time ago, says Gaius.

He takes a sip of rum punch. Ahh! It is flavoured with freshly squeezed fruit juice. Mango, orange, and a touch of coconut, if his taste buds don't deceive him.....

I always ask people that in my lectures, says Rachel. They never know what to say. Then they write long essays, attempting to absolve me, because of my circumstances.

Being polite, says Gaius. As for myself, you must remember that I am a Roman. I too owned slaves. It was the norm in those times. Our theory, if there was a theory, was that it was kinder to enslave than to exterminate. Also more productive. The Greeks made excellent doctors.

The hummingbird hums off, not liking this turn of conversation.

That is a point, says Rachel. My case was less clear cut, ethically. Did you own a large property?

I did, says Gaius. I had a villa in Laurentum, as well as a house in Rome.

And what did your slaves do? asks Rachel.

No idea, says Gaius. Kept things running. Oh and of course! I had a slave read to me as I was writing, and another as an amanuensis. That's why these days I can never lay my hands on a pencil.

What? says Rachel. You still use a pencil?

Julia and Griff wander up.

Hey! Says Julia. You two seem to be getting on like old buddies.

Griff sits down heavily, on a twisty chair. Half his drink spills.

We've seen two green monkeys, says Julia, And a lizard, and three kinds of butterflies.

We saw a Mimic, says Rachel. I was telling Gaius how they mimic the Monarch for protection.

She was, says Gaius.

Shall we continue on down? says Julia. It's a sinkhole, dark and mysterious at the bottom. Then we have to pop in and see Anthony. And after that, Bathsheba Beach. So we can't sit here all morning gassing.

This is true, so they all stand up, leaving four empty glasses on the table.

In some stories, a subsequent event would occur, involving the glasses, the glasses having been mentioned.

But in this case it doesn't.

Other than this: The humming bird returns and hovers above them for a second. Then flits off.

Later, much later, Anthony sends down a slave to retrieve them.

Just kidding. He comes down to retrieve them himself.

Give A Woman An Opening

Hunte's Gardens. The Mini pulls up, in the driveway.

Beautiful isn't it, says Julia. Don't you just love it.

Gaius gets out. It is indeed a beautiful garden, in a rain forest setting, with winding paths, quirky statues, exotic plants and flowers in mini gardens on multiple levels, descending into the depths of a sink hole.

Anthony Hunte comes out of his house, with a tray.

Welcome, all! says Anthony. Anyone for rum punches?

Faint cries from the back of the Mini.

Can't you get out, Rachel? says Julia. Wait a minute.

She helps Rachel out. Rachel straightens her turban.

Rachel Pringle Polgeen! cries Anthony. It's been so long. Come inside, won't you?

Anthony, says Rachel Pringle Polgreen. We're here to visit your garden. Not you.

Yes, of course, says Anthony. Feel free. I mean that. Normally it's thirty dollars per person.

That's so kind, says Julia.

Wander about, enjoy, says Anthony. Come and see me at the end of your wanderings. Is there someone else in your car?

Yes there is. Griff hasn't got out yet.

Get out, Griff, says Gaius. Or can't you?

I'm still a bit stiff, says Griff. Give me a minute.

Out, Griffy! says Rachel. A rum punch'll fix you.

Griff gets out, rubbing his knees. He hops about, lurching forward and sideways.

Take the drinks with you, says Anthony. There are plenty of nooks with tables and chairs. And fancy umbrellas. Classical music, wafting.....But don't drop the glasses.

Off they go, down the path, wandering between palm trees, bearded fig trees, cherry trees, and shak shaks, stopping to admire hibiscus, poinsettias, heliconia, desert roses, ginger lilies, bush balls, bougainvilleas, golden showers, tiny pools and fountains, stone Venuses and Buddhas in various attitudes, while classical music wafts in and out of their ears, exactly as promised.

The path is narrow. Gaius is walking beside Rachel, in the random way such things happen.

He should start a conversation.

He tries, as they are passing a golden shower.

Ah, a golden shower, says Gaius.

Rachel smiles, and pokes him in the side, quite low down, too.

Insupportable. What has he said to deserve a poke in the side?

She is probably just waiting for an opening.

Well, he won't give her one. He doesn't want a conversation about Women.

Fortunately a green monkey appears before them, leaping and frisking. Probably looking for nuts.

And there! Gaius spots a familiar butterfly.

A Monarch! He points it out to Rachel.

A Mimic, says Rachel. They only look like a Monarch. The Monarch has very few predators. So the Mimic mimics the Monarch, for reasons of safety.

I see you know your lepidoptera, says Gaius.

Oh yes, says Rachel. And I know how to look after myself.

Damn. He has given her an opening after all. Here we go......

I was born into slavery, says Rachel. My mother was an African slave here in Barbados. My father was a plantation owner. When I grew up he made certain advances to me, which I resisted.

Really? says Gaius.

Of course really, snaps Rachel. My own father! That's when I became a Pringle.

A Pringle, says Gaius. Of course.

I was purchased by Royal Navy officer Thomas Pringle. He set me up in a house. But I soon tired of Pringle.

Hum, says Gaius.

So, says Rachel. I borrowed a baby and pretended it was his, so he had to go back to Britain.

What? says Gaius.

That's how it was, says Rachel. He went. By then I had a new patron, Mr Polgreen. I should perhaps say, I was very beautiful in those days. I was tall, with wide hips and  gigantic bosoms. I wore low cut gowns and a little straw hat on top of my turban. Let myself go a bit now, but I still have the bosoms......

Gaius had noticed.

Now what? Will she want to sit down at a table and drink the rum punches?

Not For Glory But Science

Rachel Pringle Polgreen! exclaims Julia.

Julia! exclaims the woman in the large turban and parrot green dress.

You know each other? says Griff, popping out from behind Rachel Pringle Polgreen.

Yes, says Julia. Rachel lectures part time at the University.

I didn't know that, says Griff. You are a woman of parts.

Some you don't know, says Rachel.

This is Gaius, says Julia. He's having a day off from being a natural historian.

Nice to meet you, says Gaius. What is your field of study?

Gender and Development, says Rachel. In particular, Women and Slavery in the Caribbean.

Wooh! Wooh!

It is time to get back on the train.

As the cave train loops back to the entrance, Julia whispers:

So, Rachel was your dubious woman.

It was something Griff said, says Gaius. I must have got the wrong impression.

Maybe you didn't, entirely, says Julia. She has a long history, and she loves to talk about it. We all adore her. You will too.

Gaius is not sure about that.

The train stops. The cave tour is over.

Now for Hunte's Gardens, says Julia. Are they coming with us in the Mini?

Yes, we're coming! says Rachel, puffing up the platform, with Griff in tow.

I thought you had your own transport, says Gaius.

No, we took a taxi up here, says Rachel.

Will we all fit? asks Griff, eyeing the Mini.

Course we will, says Rachel. Griffy, give my arse a push, will you.

Griff pushes and squeezes, until Rachel is inside, but her turban is causing a problem.

Can't turn my head, says Rachel.

Take the turban off, says Griff. I'll help you.

No, says Rachel. It's an integral part of my person. I'll wear it, and only look forward.

See, says Julia. She's one tough lady.

I see, says Gaius. How far to these Gardens?

Not far, says Julia. Are you properly in, Griff?

No, says Rachel. He isn't. And I can't move over.

Honestly! says Julia. Griff, can you sit sideways or something?

Legs apart! says Rachel. I'll accommodate him.

Griff wriggles himself into the space available.

Gaius frowns in the front seat, picturing the backseat tableau.

This is what happens when you get too involved with the ladies.

They put you in certain positions.

And pretend that it's logical.

Tell me, Gaius, says Rachel, why you came to Barbados.

I'm sure Griff has already told you, says Gaius.

No, he hasn't, says Rachel. He's been too...oops!...busy.

Griff gurgles, in the back seat. What is he doing?

The short answer is, we came in search of the Barbados racer.

But they're extinct, man!

Thought to be. All the more reason to keep looking.

For the glory?

Not for myself, but for natural science.

Come on, you men suck up the glory. I know.

Gaius does not wish to argue. He knows he has never sought glory, but only the serious dissemination of knowledge. Cupid's crumpet!

Enjoying your visit, Griff? asks Julia, over her shoulder.

Yurgle, says Griff.

He is, says Rachel. He was just saying to me only this morning, the Lord guides him, in Barbados.

My golly! says Julia. What to be doing?

To GO for it, says Rachel. Good for the Lord being so open-minded. It ain't usual.

Griff doesn't like his private confidences aired in a Mini.

He changes the subject.

Are we there yet?

Nearly, says Julia.

The Village Of Dicks

I know nothing of Harrison's Cave, says Gaius.

You'll like Harrison's cave, says Julia. It's beautiful. Have you done any caving?

The Movile Cave, in Romania, says Gaius. It was most unpleasant. We needed breathing apparatus.

I've heard of it, says Julia. Strange creatures live down there.

The worse the air gets, the more creatures there are, says Gaius. But there are no food particles in the water, which seeps up from below. However, a strange frothy foam sits on top of the water containing millions upon millions of bacteria....

Autotrophs, says Julia. I know. Harrison's Cave is not like that. It has wonderful stalactite and stalagmite formations.

Speleothems, says Gaius.

Yes, says Julia. And the cave network goes for at least two kilometres, winding past streams and pools.

I look forward to seeing it, says Gaius.

And he does. But he wouldn't, if she had mentioned the train.

......

They arrive at Harrison's Cave and climb out of the Mini.

Large numbers of tourists are gathered.

Some of them are small children, with their parents.

Mummy! When do we get on the TRAIN?

In a minute, dear. Just be patient.

A cave train is anathema to someone like Gaius. A cave train!

A dinky touristy cave train. No doubt halting now and then for cheesy photo opportunities.

Julia pays at the ticket box, and they head down to the cave train.

Gaius is thinking: I shall have to endure it.

He settles into his seat.

Wooh! Wooh! Off they go.

Rattling down into the underground wonderland, without a notebook.

He closes his eyes.

The train stops at an emerald green lagoon.

Snap snap.

This is the Great Hall.

Ooh! Lovely. Chandeliers, look!

Gaius remembers the difficult entry to the Movile. That was more like it. The rope, the broken glass sample bottles at the bottom, broken by Arthur. The stink of hydrogen sulphide.....

It was there he had found Daniel O'Connell, the translucent spider. And taken him to the Canaries.

The train stops again.

This formation is known as The Village.

Someone giggles behind him.

Hee-hee, a village of dicks!

Hee-hee! Don't be disgusting! But they do a bit, yes....

The train moves on.

Julia nudges him. What do you think of it so far?

Eh? What? Yes, the village of dicks.

Very nice, says Gaius.

He wonders what happened to Daniel O'Connell, after the microlattice legs were fitted. Did he become one of Terence's parrots? If he did, he was one in a long line of failures. Where is he now?

The train halts again.

This formation is known as The Altar. On the left, we see a man, kneeling.....

Gaius keeps his eyes shut, not needing to see it.

Hum. He ought to have kept up with Daniel O'Connell. That's his trouble. Always jumping from one thing to another. And then there is Nose. Another creature removed from her habitat. Worse, from her COUNTRY of origin! And Tiny Sacrifice. But perhaps he will stay here at home.

What's Julia saying?

...caves were rediscovered in the 1970s by Ole Sorensen and Tony Mason.....

Sounds of water trickling. Drips on his head. She ought to have told him to wear a  hat. Why didn't she?

Rediscovered, did she say?

Rediscovered? says Gaius

Yes, weren't you listening? Rediscovered. The caves were first mentioned in 1795.

Aha! By Griff, probably. Or was it? Perhaps he should pay more attention.

The train has stopped at The Rotunda. This time he and Julia get out of the train. She takes a photo.

Look! a cascading waterfall. Drapery and straws hanging down from the cave roof. Charming!

Gaius is jostled, from behind.

And jostled again.

A large Bajan woman is doing it, in a parrot green dress and very high turban.

A Modern Contortionist

So much for last night. Now it is morning.

Julia has promised to show Gaius some of the sights of Barbados.

He is just getting ready.

Sponging marks off his chinos.

Picking mud off his Crocs.

Julia meets him at Reception.

Ready?

Indeed, says Gaius, patting his notebook.

This is meant to be FUN, says Julia. Don't bring your notebook.

Gaius is alarmed. Where is she taking him? She seems like a serious young woman. Head of the Sea Turtle Project at the University. Even Margaret, in her silliest moments, would not have said don't bring your notebook.

He dismisses Margaret from his mind. And shoves the notebook into his back pack.

I'm taking you through the central uplands, says Julia, via Harrison's Cave and Hunte's Gardens to Bathsheba Beach on the other side of the island.

Just as they're getting into Julia's Mini, Gaius receives a phone call.

It's Griff.

How's things? asks Griff, hoping Gaius will ask the same question.

Just going out for the day, says Gaius. Perhaps you could keep an eye on Terence.

No, I couldn't, says Griff. I'm with Rachel Pringle Polgreen.

Never mind, says Gaius. Nose will do it. Who is Rachel Pringle Polgreen?

A Friend, says Griff. A LADY Friend. A very Lovely and Generous-Hearted Lady Friend. An Athletic Lady. I would go so far as to say.... a Veritable Contortionist.

(snorts of laughter, in the back ground)

Are you trying to unsettle me? asks Gaius. Because it isn't working. I have a pleasant day ahead of me, in the central uplands, with Julia. Yes, the Sea Turtle Project Manager.

Central uplands? says Griff. Sounds nice. Whereabouts in the central uplands?

Harrison's Cave, to start with, says Gaius, not thinking that Griff might then say what he does say.

Rachel and I are at a loose end this morning, says Griff. We might come with you. Could you wait till we get there?

NO! says Gaius. We are leaving at once. In fact I already have one foot in the Mini.

I'm sure Rachel can arrange us some transport, says Griff. We'll meet you up there.

Let's go, says Julia. Was that your colleague?

Yes, says Gaius. It was. I should not have let slip where we were going

It doesn't matter, says Julia. He's more than welcome to join us.

It seems, says Gaius, that he has hooked up with a dubious lady.

No such thing as a dubious lady, says Julia. This is the twenty first century.

Gaius is relieved to find Julia has a modernist attitude.

Perhaps the Contortionist will turn out to be modern as well......

Three Bajan Romances

Night time in Barbados. Three romances.

One.

Kobo and Ageless, on a cushion. She is massaging his dent.

Lower, says Ageless. How is it looking?

It's changing colour, says Kobo.

What to? asks Ageless.

Rose pink, says Kobo.

Liar, says Ageless. What from?

Bruise purple, says Kobo. Would you prefer a Chinese massage?

No, says Ageless. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Ageless... says Kobo.

What, beloved?

Could you..... give ME a massage? Mmmm?

Yes, pumpkin. You just need to open.....clik,,,,clik,,,,

Like this?.....


Two.

Deep inside the snake hole, Gun Hill.

Mastigo: All these babies! It's bedlam!

Tangerine: At least we only have these seven.

Mastigo: Can we send them outside?

Tangerine: Okay. Stick your head out. See if it's clear.

Mastigo (sticking his head out): Ssss!

Tangerine: What's the matter?

Mastigo: I thought I saw another of our babies.

Tangerine: What was it doing?

Mastigo: Crying. There was a man with him.

Tangerine: Better keep the babies inside. I know. I'll give them some Cacao Grenada.

The seven babies lick their sweet chunks of Cacao Grenada.

Mastigo: Now, come here, my love. Let's tango.

Tangerine: Darling! Oh! Oh !

The parents entwine.

Three.

A famous tavern in Bridgetown.

Griff knocks on the secret back door.

Enter!

Rachel Pringle Polgreen sits in an enormous arm chair. Dressed in voluminous white satin and a giant turban.

She too is enormous.

Griffy! Come here, let me look at you.

Rachel! Voluptuous as ever.

You flattery old bugger. Ain't seen you since....now when was it .... after the Duke or before?

Ah, yes. The Duke of Clarence. The future William IV of England. What a drunkard.

You don't do too bad in that department.

Or the other.

He-he-he! Them were the days. The young Duke, bless him. Busted up my establishment. I stayed cool as a cucumber. I knowed he'd pay up after.

Ha ha! You sat and watched him. He knocked you out of your chair.

Fair up-tipped me! Come closer, Griffy.

He attempts to, but can't get past her satin-covered knees.

Come on, Griffy. Up-end me!

Griffy needs no more encouragement.

He up-ends her.

Obligingly, her satin skirts fall away.