Feminist Applications

Arthur listens to his voicemails.

Message 1: Arthur, please call me. It's about Baldy.

Message 2: Arthur, please reply!!!

Message 3: Arthur, Baldy's replacement has been a failure. I want Baldy back. Call me.

Message 4: Where's my knife! The police have been round asking questions.

Message 6: Arthur....call me at once! Change of heart. Sorry.

Does she want me to go home? asks Baldy.

She did, then she changed her mind, says Arthur.

Baldy looks stricken.

I'm sure she does, says Belle. I'm going to call her. Give me that phone.

Arthur gives her his phone.

What was that about a knife? asks Belle. Did you take her knife?

No, says Arthur. I don't think that one was from her.

No kidding, says Sweezus.

Belle dials the Virgin's number.

The Virgin answers.

Hello? Arthur?

Belle: No. This is Arthur's phone. It's Belle here.

Virgin: Has something happened to Arthur?

Belle: Surely you'd know if it had?

Virgin: Everyone has such high expectations. But winter is coming. And bad weather.

Belle: You mustn't blame them. Was there a message for Baldy?

Baldy waits, holding his breath.

Virgin: Tell him... err.....tell him there's a vacancy here if he wants it.

Belle: I'll tell him. Baldy you can go home if you want to. Do you want to?

Baldy: Does she miss me?

Belle: He wants to know if you miss him.

The Virgin: I did at first. The replacement was such a little shit, and so heavy, and when I got rid of him... well it was such a relief, but of course ... with Baldy, he was my first, I do feel responsible.

Belle: She did at first. Now she doesn't sound all that keen.

Baldy: Boo hoo. Mama!

Belle: He's crying.

Virgin: Would you consider keeping him a bit longer? I'm feeling so fragile right now.

Belle: We're heading back to Australia tomorrow.

Virgin: Oh, bad luck. For me not for you. It will be summer there. How delightful.

Belle: Perhaps I could ask Simone. She's always said she loves children.

Virgin: Would you, dear. That would help me. And by the way, tell Arthur I recovered the knife.

Belle: What about the police? What happened?

Virgin: Nothing. They let me off with a caution.

Belle: You! Crikey!...... Well, I'll let you know if Simone's up for it. Bye now.

Virgin: Bye, dear. Kisses for Baldy.

Kisses for you, Baldy, says Belle.

Where are they? asks Baldy.

....

Later, at coffee.

Sartre is drinking a lovely espresso.

Simone is holding Baldy, on her lap. She smothers his bright curls with kisses.

You shall have new clothes, says Simone. You'll look like a proper Parisien.

And a wash, says Sartre. All those feathers and lettering have got to come off.

And, says Simone, you shall learn the basics of feminism.

Why do I have to? says Baldy.

That's a good start, says Sartre.