Don't Let Me Subvert Your Artistic Vision

A question, says Saint Roley.

Go for it, says Sweezus.

It's for Belle, says Saint Roley.

Yes? says Belle.

I'm an oyster catcher, says Saint Roley.

I know that, says Belle.

I have a certain shaped head, says Saint Roley. And a beak that requires balance.

In a hat? asks Belle. I'm with you. Don't worry. I'm thinking, a straw hat with a few pretty flowers.

Good one, says Sweezus. Flowers from the garden before it got wrecked. It's like, ironic.

You think so? asks Vello. You have a strange idea of ironic.

An ironic hat, says David. I like it.

How would it stay on? asks Saint Roley.

A ribbon, says Belle, tied under your chin. Not too showy, because of the beak thing.

Celia is sorry she chose to play Brother Giroflée.

She would really like a straw hat with ironic flowers and a ribbon.

Any ideas about my hat? asks Celia.

Sure, says Belle. You're a monk, right. You could wear a pointy hood hat.

I cant quite picture a pointy hood hat, says Celia.

Where's a pencil? says Belle.

It's an office. Of course there's a pencil.

She quickly sketches her idea for Celia's hat.

It looks pointy, but plain.

Could it.....maybe be folded back so my eyes show? asks Celia.

Fold it however you like, says Belle. It will be good if your eyes show.

Encouraged, Celia asks for flowers.

Could it have flowers?

NO! says Vello.

Maybe one flower, says Belle. But we need to remember your character.

Celia tries to remember her character. What does she know of him so far? He has a brother who is nothing more than a device. He is stuck in a monastery because of this brother. Now he is with Paquette who gave someone syphilis. It will not be mentioned, but Celia can't forget it.

What is my character? asks Celia.

Candide gave you money, says Vello. You quickly squandered it. It did not make you happy.

Can we change that? asks Saint Roley.

Not the money, says Vello. But the point of this play is to show you the way to be happy.

In a garden, says Celia. But hasn't the garden fallen into a sink hole?

That's what we now have to deal with, says David. Sweezus, tell us what happens.

Okay, says Sweezus. Paquette and Brother Giroflée look down from the top of the chasm into the  sink hole.

Paquette says There go my pistachios. Brother Giroflée says Yeah and the oranges. Paquette says What's that horrible smell coming up from the stink hole?

Is it ME? cries Terence.

Yeah, and they leave, says Sweezus.

Am I STUCK down there for ever? asks Terence.

No way. Pangloss and Martin are there too, remember?

Yes so we are, says Vello. How do we handle the situation? I imagine Pangloss wants to leave things as they are.

Yep, you got it, says Sweezus. But Martin goes off to get the old lady.

That's me, says Gaius. Will I have a hat too?

You could have, says Belle. In fact yes you should have. Maybe a bonnet?

I was thinking of something more modern, says Gaius. Possibly a bucket hat? But don't let me subvert your artistic vision.

No, a bucket hat, great! says Belle. Easy.

Do I get OUT? asks Terence.

Is that all we DO? asks Saint Roley.

No. It's just the beginning, says Sweezus.

Wham! Collapso!

Do we have a script? asks Saint Roley. I should like to start learning my lines.

Me too, says Celia.

Ask Sweezus, says Vello. He and Arthur were coming up with something.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It's not finished yet.

Where IS Arthur? asks Gaius.

Being stalked by someone, says Sweezus. Lying low.

How thrilling! says David. But who on earth would be stalking Arthur?

Sikong Shu, says Sweezus. Remember the Wife Cakes? He sent them.

But he and Arthur are friends! says Gaius. Aren't they?

Yeah, says Sweezus. But Arthur's gone off him.

Dear me, says David. So we don't have a script until someone resolves this.

We've got the beginning, says Sweezus. How's this?:

The scene opens in a vegie garden. There's like, carrots and onions, and like, spades and stuff. Birds singing. No, not birds singing. Forgot we had birds playing humans. Scratch that.

Thank you, says Saint Roley. Very thoughtful.

Then ....... WHAM! COLLAPSO! says Sweezus. The whole garden caves in. Like you know, a sink hole.

I like it, says Vello. But how to portray it on stage?

A chasm arises, says Sweezus. Should be easy. Just scenery and noises.

Not that easy, says Belle.

Am I in it? asks Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. The garden pests are in it. Like the snails and this one orange stink bug. Running around like crazy. Like WOAH MAN, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

WOAH MAN WHAT JUST HAPPENED? cries Terence. What did I sound like?

Nearly the same, says Belle.

Do I press my stink button? asks Terence.

We hadn't factored in a stink button, says Sweezus. But yeah, go for it.

Yay! says Terence. POOFFF!

Then what? asks Vello.

Heads appear at the top of the sink hole, says Sweezus. It's Pangloss and Martin.

You and me, says Vello, looking at David.

I know, says David.

And you guys ad lib a little, says Sweezus. You know. Like Pangloss says Wow This is awesome. It's the best thing that could've happened. And Martin says No way, now we have to plant different stuff, because the shade is all different and there's freaking rocks everywhere....

Excellent! says Vello.

When are we in it? asks Celia.

Now, says Sweezus. You and Paquette poke your heads up over the edge of the chasm. I reckon you guys'll both need to wear hats, so the audience don't think you guys are just birds or something.

Are you trying to demean us? says Celia.

No way! says Sweezus. Not like, hats with FEATHERS!

I'll make two appropriate hats, says Belle.

Sweezus is grateful.

A Device Like My Sister

I don't see how a cushion will do it, says Gaius. Won't that just increase the size of the old woman's ...err ...backside?

Depends where we position it, says Belle. If we attach it on one side only, that should give the impression that one buttock is missing.

My ingenious daughter! says Vello. What a whizz you are at costumes!

There'll need to be some sort of covering, I suppose, says Gaius. So the audience doesn't spot the cushion.

Yes, a skirt, says Belle. Are you all right with that?

He used to wear a toga! says David.

That's quite different, says Gaius. But of course I'm all right with it. It's the theatre.

Do I get a costume? asks Terence.

You've got the wig and the eyebrows, says Belle. But I could run up a stink bug costume.

Will it STINK? asks Terence.

He imagines a stink bug has that quality.

Yes I suppose so, says Belle. I could arrange it so you press a button and a horrid smell comes out. You can't stink all the time.

Terence is pleased with the concept of his costume.

I get a stink button, says Terence to Celia and Saint Roley, who have returned. If I press it, a stink will come out.

Saint Roley laughs. So does Celia.

What's so funny? asks Terence.

All humans have those, says Saint Roley.

Gaius feels compelled to explain that farting is not quite that simple. But thinks better of it.

Did you catch any spiders? asks Belle.

No, they all escaped down the stairs says Celia. We used the time to get to know one another. Now we want to research our characters.

Here, read this, says Vello. He hands them a printed paper.

What is it? asks David.

List of characters, says Vello.

That's very industrious of you, says David. Let's see it.

He looks over Celia's feathered shoulder.

That's you, says David. Brother Giroflée. Your parents forced you into a monastery to enlarge the fortune of your brother. There's something to chew on.

I can't quite... says Celia. What is a monastery? How would my going there increase the fortune of my brother?

I can explain, says Saint Roley. It meant your parents wouldn't have to support you. So there would be more for your brother.

Is my brother a good person? asks Celia.

You'll have to ask Vello, says David.

No! says Vello. How could he be good or bad? He is merely a device. You don't need to delve that far into your character.

Okay! says Celia. A device. Like my sister. I get it.

She is intelligent. She really does get it.

What about Paquette? asks Saint Roley. Any devices?

She was a chambermaid, says David. She gave Pangloss syphilis. By the way, who's playing Pangloss?

You are, says Vello.

Again? says David. Why can't you do it?

I'll play Martin, says Vello. In case the Velogram turns up. I 'm not having him playing Pangloss. Too much glory.

So I give someone syphilis, says Saint Roley. Can we change that?

It's in the past, says David. We can't. But we don't need to mention it.

Okay, says Saint Roley. What else?

You have turned to prostitution, says David. And Brother Giroflée is one of your clients.

Celia coughs.

Can we change that? asks Saint Roley.

No. We just won't mention it, says David. This play is set in a garden. It is all about how to live from now on. In your new life you become very good at making pastry.

That's more like it, says Saint Roley. And how do you make pastry?

You make dough then you roll it out with a rolling pin, says Belle.

Ha ha! Saint Rolling-Pin! sniggers Terence.

Under Scrutiny

Celia and Saint Roley sit at the top of the stairwell.

They are not catching spiders.

Saint Roley: I thought we should get to know one another better.

Celia: We already know one thing about us.

Saint Roley: Yes, loss and sadness. What happened to your sister?

Celia: I don't know.

Saint Roley: How dreadful.

Celia: What happened to your brother?

Saint Roley: I have it on good authority that he drowned.

Celia: Was he a sailor?

Saint Roley: No, that was part of the trouble.

Celia: No compass?

Saint Roley: A pointing finger. On cardboard. Such things are notoriously fickle at sea.

Celia: I can understand that. On the ocean, there might be a sudden change in the way it is pointing.

Saint Roley: If only he had known that. He believed it was god's finger.

Celia: O! Maybe it was. I'm so sorry.

Saint Roley: No. It was an indication of This Way Up.

Celia: Nevertheless, god could have been telling him something.

Saint Roley: He could. But it doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

Celia: Nor does what happened to my sister.

Saint Roley: I thought you didn't know.

Celia: I know this much. A nut dropped on the egg in which I was incubating, so I got out. But no nut dropped on my sister.

Saint Roley: My dear Celia, a nut is not required for hatching.

Celia: You mean she could have hatched and be alive somewhere?

Saint Roley: It's possible. Where are you from?

Celia: Weipa. And I'm not going back there.

Saint Roley: I was born in Saint Malo.

Celia: So you speak French!

Saint Roley: Un petit peu. I was imprinted on Terence. He had ruined me. In a physical sense only. My egg cracked and he was responsible.

Celia: Dear Terence.

Saint Roley: Yes, dear Terence.

Celia: Ah! You and I will work well together in Candide's Garden. I know it!

Saint Roley: We should research our characters. What do you say?

Celia: Yes. As I'm playing Brother Giroflée, you must be playing Paquette.

Saint Roley: I've never played a female.

Celia: I've never played a male. We'll have to advise one another.

Saint Roley: I'm sure it won't be that hard. What I look forward to is being in a play that deals with philosophical issues.

Celia: O yes, me too.

They go back inside where the issue being dealt with is how to make Gaius look like an old woman with only one buttock.

Soft Spot

Don't kill them! says Belle.

We can't have them running round the office, says David.

Why not? asks Terence.

Someone might step on them, says Sweezus.

Very funny, says Belle. I'm going to catch them.

We could catch them, says Celia. Me and Saint Roley.

A fine solution, says Vello. Very natural.

By now some of the spiders have run under the door and out to the stairwell.

We should catch those ones first, says Saint Roley.

I agree, says Celia.

David opens the door, and Celia and Saint Roley flutter out in pursuit of the spiders.

This is just the sort of situation we want in our play, says Vello. Problems come up, and pose a moral dilemma, before an ethical outcome is achieved. Are you noting this, Sweezus?

Yeah, says Sweezus. So what do we reckon?

What do you mean what do we reckon? snaps Vello. Celia and Saint Roley are birds. Birds are entitled to eat tiny spiders. We are absolved of a murder.

Yeah, but, says Sweezus, in the play the birds play two regular people.

This is real life, says Vello. I trust you'll come up with a dramatic equivalent.

Sweezus is embarrassed not to have understood this. He thinks fast.

Like, Terence is a stink bug, says Sweezus. He could kill something.

The spiders! says Terence. Inside the vacuum cleaner. Boof boof!

Not so fast, says Belle. We're getting ahead of ourselves. The stink bug is in the vacuum cleaner because he himself is a doomed creature.

Sucked in by the humans, says Gaius. Good point.

What's doomed? asks Terence.

It means you have an unfortunate and inescapable outcome, says David.

Don't worry, says Sweezus. You're not doomed, only your character.

So I don't have an outcome? asks Terence.

He looks at Gaius's vacuum cleaner, lying open.

The blow hole is tiny and still blocked with hairs.

It's true. He will not have an outcome, from there.

Can we change the story? asks Terence. I know! Someone opens the vacuum cleaner, and I jump out!

That works, says Sweezus. The old lady could do it.

Do we have an old lady? asks Vello.

I thought you might play the old lady, says David.

No, says Vello. She has only one buttock. I should feel most uncomfortable.

You should try, papa, says Belle. You could wear a special cushion.

Vello doesn't like this idea. He hopes someone else will take up the challenge.

What about Gaius?

Gaius has always had a soft spot for the theatre.

I'll do it, says Gaius.

Fall Out

Gaius lugs his vacuum cleaner up the stairs to the Velosophy office.

Is this it? asks Vello.

Yes, says Gaius. Faulty as ever.

It blows, does it? asks David.

It certainly does, says Gaius, I'm still finding grit in my hair.

Can I get in it? asks Terence.

Don't be silly, says Belle. It's full of hairs and fluff and whatever else has dropped on Gaius's carpet.

A great deal of detritus, in other words, says Gaius.

So can I? asks Terence.

No, says Celia. Change the bag first.

Doesn't have a bag, says Gaius. It's not that type of vacuum cleaner.

Yuck, says Belle. So does that mean you need a plastic bag or something?

I suppose so, says Gaius. I've got a shopping bag in my back pack, and, that reminds me, another surprise.

What is it? cries Terence.

WHO is it? says Gaius.

Terence is stumped.

How should he know?

I know, says Sweezus. An old friend of yours. And he wants to meet Celia.

O good! says Celia. Is it Saint Roley?

Yes, says Gaius. Wait here while I go down and get him.

He goes back down the stairs.

Why didn't Saint Roley fly up the stairs on his own? asks Terence. Maybe he's broken.

Let's hope not, says Vello. We want him to play the part of Paquette.

Gaius returns with Saint Roley, who is not broken.

Saint Roley! cries Terence. Guess what!

You haven't changed, says Saint Roley.

Why would I? asks Terence.

You wouldn't, says Saint Roley. And I'm glad.

I've got a real parrot! says Terence. Her name is Celia, and she knows about balanced diets and she tells people off. Not me. OTHER people.

That is a fine introduction, I must say, says Celia. Pleased to meet you, Saint Roley. I hear we have something in common.

I hear we do, says Saint Roley, but as it involves loss and sadness, let us save that for later. This should be a joyous occasion.

Indeed, says Vello. Joyous. Would you like a drink of water?

A red drink would be nice, says Saint Roley.

I don't think we have...... begins Vello.

Yes, we do, says Belle. Black currant.

This is cosy. Belle goes into the tiny kitchen and comes out with Ribena.

Yay! says Terence.

Way too sugary, says Celia.

I agree, says Saint Roley, but this is a special occasion.

So Terence gets some.

And Celia and Saint Roley sip Ribena from a saucer.

They look good together, says Vello.

They do, says David. Shall we put our proposition to Saint Roley?

Saint Roley, says Vello, how would you feel about playing a female character?

Odd, says Saint Roley. I have never done it. But if this lovely parrot is playing a male character, opposite my female character, I'm willing to attempt it.

Excellent! says Vello.

Gaius opens the vacuum cleaner by pressing a button.

Seeds and drawing pins fall out. And a few tiny spiders.

That'll be me soon, says Terence. I'm a stink bug.

David gets a dust pan.

Is She Wise?

Wrong number, says Sweezus.

No, this is Gaius's phone, says Saint Roley.

So who are you? asks Sweezus.

Guess, says Saint Roley.

By now Sweezus has identified the voice of Saint Roley.

Saint Roley, says Sweezus. This is heaps lucky.

Is it? asks Saint Roley. Do tell me why.

Long story, says Sweezus. Has Gaius found his dodgy vacuum cleaner?

He's testing it now, says Saint Roley.

Sounds of vooom! thurk! flap! whirrrr! in the background.

Is it blowing? asks Sweezus.

Hard to say from this distance, says Saint Roley. No wait. There's a cloud of dust and grit rising from it, and Gaius is swearing.

Awesome, says Sweezus.

Is Terence with you? asks Saint Roley.

Yep, says Sweezus. We're rehearsing a play. He's playing a Bronze Orange Stink Bug.

He'll love that, says Saint Roley. Does he speak of me sometimes?

Yeah, he does, says Sweezus. He told Celia about you, in a kind of nice way.

What did he say? asks Saint Roley.

He said you were the brother of an accident, says Sweezus.

O, says Saint Roley.

He sniffs and swallows.

Sorry, says Sweezus. Shit memories.

Never mind, says Saint Roley. What was the context?

Just Terence's babble, says Sweezus. But Celia reckoned she was a sister of an accident, so you and she have something in common.

Who is Celia? asks Saint Roley.

A bird, says Sweezus. An actual parrot. Light green with red wing edges.

Is she wise? asks Saint Roley.

You're asking the wrong person, says Sweezus. But yeah, wanna meet her? She's in the play

I should like to, says Saint Roley. What part is she playing?

Brother Giroflée, says Sweezus.

Nice choice, says Saint Roley. So it's Candide again?

Candide's Garden, says Sweezus. A follow up.

I'm intrigued, says Saint Roley.

Achoo! sneezes Gaius, grasping the phone. Arthur?

No, me, Sweezus, says Sweezus. I take it your vacuum cleaner's blowing.

It certainly is, says Gaius. I'm bringing it in.

Bring Saint Roley, says Sweezus. We think he'd be good in the role of Paquette.

Does he know? asks Gaius.

Not yet, says Sweezus.

Not yet, Paquette, says Gaius.

Sweezus wonders if Gaius thinks he has made a witty comment.

Sorrows In Common

Gaius goes home for his vacuum cleaner, pleased to be helpful.

The others remain in the office, discussing the play.

Is anyone here good at French? asks Celia.

Belle takes her aside, before Vello can say something withering.

We all are, says Belle. Except Sweezus, he isn't. And Gaius, but Gaius has gone. And Terence.

That's why I asked, says Celia.

What do you want to know? asks Belle. Ask me.

About my character, says Celia. Brother Giroflée. I thought he was a bird. Not a carpenter.

That's only at the end, says Belle. He's a monk, really.

A monk, says Celia. A good one?

No, a dissatisfied one, says Belle.

So why has he got a bird name? asks Celia.

Giroflée means wallflower, says Belle.

Oh, says Celia. Pardon my French. What colour are wallflowers?

Yellow and red, says Belle. So you have that advantage.

Okay, says Celia. I think I can do it. As long as someone else crushes Terence.

He may not need crushing says Belle. It's still a work in progress.

All right, are we? asks Vello. We have our Brother Giroflée? Who'll play Paquette?

Is SHE a bird? whispers Celia.

No, whispers Belle. A former maid, forced into prostitution. Giroflée's girlfriend.

MY girlfriend? says Celia. Won't it look silly?

What's she saying? asks Vello.

That Paquette should be played by a bird, says Belle. She's right really.

A bird? Who knows a bird? asks Vello.

Sweezus and David stop discussing the theory of involuntary attention, as it pertains to gardens.

Terence, says Sweezus.

Terence looks up from trying to detach his orange hair and eyebrows from his hat.

Stink bugs don't wear hats.

What?

Know any more birds? asks Sweezus. You should, you've had plenty.

Saint Roley, says Terence. But I don't know where he is.

Oh! cries Celia. You told me about Saint Roley!  He and I have sorrows in common. I had hoped to meet him.

Yeah, well, says Sweezus. I'll call Gaius. He might know.

He calls Gaius.

Gaius has his head in the cupboard with the finely balanced ironing board collapsing as he tries to pull out his wedged-in vacuum cleaner.

Ring ring!

Drat! he says crossly. They would call just now.

Want me to get it? asks Saint Roley.

Yes, please. It might be Arthur, says Gaius.

Saint Roley presses the green icon.

Hello?

Switching To Blow

Eat a stink bug? No, says Celia. I wouldn't.

It's ME! cries Terence.

I just thought, says Vello, if a bird eats him, that does away with the moral problem.

Yeah, but do we want to do away with the moral problem? asks Sweezus.

No we don't, says David. We want to demonstrate the virtues of gardening.

Nevertheless, says Gaius, certain birds will eat stink bugs.

Will they get them out of a vacuum cleaner? asks Terence.

What's this about a vacuum cleaner? asks Celia.

I'm inside it, says Terence. For EVER! Unless you get me out.

I could get you out, says Celia.

Really? says Belle. How would you do it?

Switch it to blow, says Celia.

Can you just DO that? asks Sweezus.

Mine will do it, says Gaius. But not at my behest. There's something wrong with it.

Maybe we could use yours then, says Belle. How about it?

Certainly, says Gaius.

Problem solved, says Vello.

But wait! says Celia. What happens when Terence is blown out?

I get crushed between two planks, says Terence. That's if you won't eat me.

This play is outrageous! says Celia.

Yes, outrageous. That's what we want, says Vello.

What YOU want, says David. I want a proper debate. Does everyone agree about human happiness?

What about it? asks Celia.

David says it consists of action, pleasure and indolence, says Belle. And that gardening is a perfect example.

Hah! says Celia. HUMAN happiness! What about Terence? What about me?

What about the snails? asks Terence.

What about them? asks Celia.

They have to eat dandelion greens, says Terence. With me, in a corner.

Is that an alternative? asks Celia.

But then there is no part for you in Candide's Garden, says Vello.

Surely there is, says Celia. List the characters.

Candide, Cunégonde, the old woman, Paquette, Brother Giroflée, Dr Pangloss and Martin, says David.

Could I play Brother Giroflée? asks Celia. He sounds like a bird

We don't usually bother with Brother Giroflée, says Vello. He's a carpenter.

And I hate carpenters! says Terence. They whack you.

Between planks of wood! says Vello. Perfect! This is dovetailing nicely.

Human Happiness

Richie leaves, having given some useful input.

Sweezus comes in.

Guess what? says Terence. I'm a Bronze Orange Stink Bug.

It was Richie's idea, says Belle. He knew about garden pests and their colours.

Yeah, says Sweezus. And he's improved as a poet.

That's nice, says Belle. But now we have a stage management problem.

I have to get KILLED! says Terence. I have to get sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

Cool, says Sweezus.

That's not the problem, says Belle. It's getting him out that's the problem.

Don't they have paper bags inside, these days? asks David.

I'm surprised you know that, says Belle. But how would that make it easier?

I don't know, says David. Pardon my input.

Gaius comes in.

Hello everyone. Recovered?

Of course we have, says Vello. We're working on my play now.

Excellent, says Gaius. And is Terence to be in it?

I'm a Bronze Orange Stink Bug, says Terence. In a vacuum cleaner. I can't get out.

This is not the play I imagined, says Gaius.

He will get out, says Belle. We'll just have to workshop it.

Why is he inside it? asks Gaius.

Richie told us it's the best way to get rid of a Bronze Orange Stink Bug. You suck them into an old vacuum cleaner, then you drown them in meths, explains Belle.

I don't want to be drowned, says Terence.

Great. Another problem, says Belle.

Well, says Gaius. There is another tried and true way. Crush the Stink Bug between two planks of wood. Of course, Terence may object to this, too.

Yeah! says Sweezus. That's the point. It's all philosophical. We might not go with any of those methods.

Yes, yes, says Vello. Don't get your hopes up, little Terence. It is only a play. And the philosophical aspects of gardening must remain at the forefront.

Indeed, says David. I was wondering when you would remember.

So what happens to me? asks Terence.

You may go and live in a pleasant corner of the garden with the snails, says Vello.

And feast on dandelion greens, says David. Would that work?

No! says Terence. It's not a philosophical aspect.

Ha ha! laughs David. He's right. I take it we all agree gardening is a virtue?

For the purposes of the drama, it is, says Vello. It's really only a metaphor.

I disagree, says David. Human happiness consists of three ingredients, action, pleasure and indolence.....

Oh, shut up, says Vello. No need to get complicated.

I've barely started, says David.

Before things can heat up over human happiness, Celia flies in, in a flutter.

Am I too late? asks Celia.

Perhaps not. Would you eat a Stink Bug? asks Vello.

Input Orange

After the race.

The winners are happy.

Congrats Richie, says Sweezus. Six wins on Willy Hill.

Yeah, thanks mate, says Richie.

Finished the poem? asks Sweezus. Guess you must've.

Yeah, says Richie. I was going for a Middle Tang feel.

No kidding? says Sweezus. Give us a synopsis.

I've climbed a mountain to see a recluse, says Richie. When I get there his place is empty. I tramp through the wet grass and smell the pine trees. I imagine he's gone fishing. I look in through his windows. I see his table and chair. It's a cool place, even though he's not in it. Eventually I realise I I've completed my visit. I don't need to see him. And I go back down the mountain.

Awesome, says Sweezus. You're like a really cool poet.

Thanks, says Richie.

We're working on Vello's Fringe play, says Sweezus. It's a follow up. Candide's Garden.

I know, says Richie. There's snails in it. And a moral dilemma.

We could use your input, being from Tassie, says Sweezus

Love to, says Richie, but I've only got a coupla days till the Great Ocean Road Race.

No worries, says Sweezus. We're meeting at Vello's office in the morning. Come if you want to.

Richie is tempted.

The next morning in the Velosophy office.

Vello sits with his feet up.

David peruses a gardening book. Royal Gardens.

Belle is looking up garden pests, seeking an orange one.

Have you found one? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Belle.

In comes Richie.

Hi, says Richie. I hear you guys need some help.

Yes, says Vello. Help with the removal of pests.

He throws a dark look at the Vellogram who also has his feet up.

The Vellogram glowers. Is Vello referring to him?

Orange ones, says Belle. Know any orange ones?

Sure do, says Richie. The Bronze Orange Stink Bug.

Terence can't believe his good luck. There's a Bronze Orange Stink Bug!

He will be the Bronze Orange Stink Bug in Candide's Garden.

Belle looks it up.

It's orange with a brown spot in the middle, although apparently, it starts off light green.

Why are they a pest? asks Vello.

They eat oranges, says Richie.

And how does one control them? asks David.

Richie does not want to say poison. So he doesn't.

Nor does he want to say birds or assassin bugs will eat them. Because they will, but not in large numbers.

So Richie goes for an old method.

Suck them up with an old vacuum cleaner, says Richie. And drown them in meths.

Vello ponders how this method would look on the stage.

Yes. He likes it.

So does Terence. He is already making rude sucking sounds.

But Belle foresees technical problems.

Tour Down Under: Stage Six - Resilience

The last day. The Queen stage.

The riders ride out of McLaren Vale.

Patrick Bevan among them, in spite of yesterday's fall.

And Richie Porte, who has won on Willunga Hill five time already.

And Daryl Impey, who has a good chance of winning the tour.

Now here comes Team Philosophe, who have not cheated.

And Team Crustacean, who have.

There goes Team Condor, who are more interested in controlling garden pests than they should be.

And there goes Elia Viviani.

Isn't it wonderful, says Belle.

No, says Terence. I don't like wearing this hat. I want my Eyebrow Hat back.

All right, says Belle. I guess it's not too hot at the moment.

Yay! says Terence.

And this is the last day, adds Belle.

Yay! cries Terence. Then what?

We practice papa's play. says Belle. I wonder if you'll be in it? You were in it last year.

Was I? asks Terence.

Yes, don't you remember? asks Belle. You were the Bright Red Object.

Yes! says Terence. This year I'll be the Bright Orange Object, with these eyebrows.

I don't think there'll be a Bright Orange Object in it, says Belle.

Terence eyebrows knit together. He has good control of them now.

You'll probably be something in the garden, says Belle.

Celia is listening.

May I be in it? asks Celia.

You'll have to ask papa, says Belle.

Go and ask him now! says Terence.

Celia flies off to ask Vello for a part in his play.

She flies over Team Condor, catching snatches of conversation.

Pablo: What is Tassie?

Sweezus: Tasmania.

Pablo: So! Richie's from Tasmania! Does that mean he knows that snails don't eat candied fruits and pistachios?

Arthur: Probably.

Sweezus: Has he finished his poem yet?

Pablo: If he wins today, yes.

Celia flies onward. She flies over Team Crustacean.

Blue Claw (reciting): Too-bee-too-bee-too.

Pinky: Yours is lovely. What's Richie's again?

Blue Claw: My visit is complete.
                   I have gone down the mountain.
                   Why should I wait any longer?

Kobo (from inside Pinky): O, so it's finished.

Celia flies on.

Vello is riding beside Humboldt.

Celia lights on his handlebars.

Vello: Achh! A parrot!

Humboldt: It's Celia.

Vello: What the devil does she want?

Celia: A part in your play.

Vello: Buzz off! See me afterwards!

Celia: Is that good news?

Humboldt: I'd say so.

Elated, Celia flies to the top of Willunga Hill, to await the finish

It's the finish!

Richie wins the Queen stage!

Daryl Impey wins the Tour Down Under, for the second year running.

And the crowd applauds Patrick Bevan.

For his resilience.

Tour Down Under: Stage Five - Bad Things Happen

Stage five. Glenelg to Strathalbyn. For once, a nice day.

A nice day on which bad things will happen.

First bad thing:

Terence is watching the start in Glenelg.

He is wearing steampunk glasses. But not the top hat.

Belle has made him wear a stupid sun hat.

He glowers at the riders, through the glasses.

Never mind says Celia. At least you won't get sunstroke.

I CAN'T get sunstroke, says Terence.

Second bad thing:

Terence turns quickly. Celia is on his shoulder.

The glasses are big. They knock Celia off.

Aww! says a person. That parrot's been injured. Let me take it.

No! cries Terence.

Too late. Celia is taken away to the first aid tent.

Third bad thing:

Richie is stuck.

Sorry though I am to be missing you.
You are probably fishing.

What should come after that?

Pablo rides past him, and slows.

How goes the new poem? asks Pablo,.

Gotta finish it today, says Richie. It's Willunga Hill tomorrow.

I know, says Pablo. We too have something to finish. Perhaps you can help us.

What's the problem? asks Richie.

What is your moral position on the killing of snails?

Damn! Richie has enough problems without thinking of moral positions of that nature.

He answers too quickly.

It's wrong to kill snails.

So you are on the side of Vello, says Pablo. Vello thinks we should plant dandelion greens in a corner of the garden. This he thinks will keep the snails from our candied fruits and pistachios.

Far out! shouts Richie. Snails don't eat candied fruits and pistachios!

You know this? asks Pablo.

I'm from Tassie! says Richie.

I'll pass it on, says Pablo, speeding up.

Richie is fuming. He should have asked for help with his next line from Pablo, a serious poet.

Fourth bad thing:

Gaius has a puncture, and loses thirty valuable seconds.

Fifth bad thing.

Patrick Bevan crashes.

No bones broken. He gets back in the race. But may not ride tomorrow.

Sixth bad thing:

Caleb Ewan wins, then he doesn't.

One good thing:

Celia recovers, flies out of the first aid tent, up, up, and all the way to the finish.

Seeing everything.

Oh yes, says Celia. I saw everything. Ewan was on the wheel of Sagan. Philipsen tried to move in. Some head movements occurred that should not have. Mind you, this happens. I myself was knocked unconscious, earlier, by Terence. Anyway it was spotted. Ewan came first and Philipsen came second. Later Ewan was relegated which means Philipsen came first and Sagan came second, and in third place was Danny van Poppel.......

All right Celia. You may stop now. Thanks for clearing that up.

Tour Down Under: Stage Four - Energy

Cooler, but humid.

The teams ride out of Unley and head to the hills.

Team Crustacean is back. No one noticed they missed five loops yesterday.

They have oodles of energy.

Too-bee-too-be-too! whoops Blue Claw.

La-la-lah, warbles Pinky.

Even Ageless is humming. Hum-hum.

They pass Daryl Impey, who also is humming. Hmm hmm.

And Richie Porte, busy working on his poem.

How's it going? shouts Blue Claw?

Missing YOU! shouts Richie.

That's an even worse rhyme with fishing, thinks Blue Claw.

But he's passed Richie, so has no chance to say it.

Why is Richie Porte missing you? asks Ageless. Have you been collaborating?

No way, says Blue Claw. Our styles are too different.

Richie is left to complete his next line without feedback.

But he is inspired by the Adelaide Hills and the beauty of Stirling and Aldgate.

The beauty of your grasses, fresh with rain

(Richie has invented the rain, poetic licence)

And close by your window the music of pines.

(Richie sneezes. He has not invented the pines).

Luis León Sánchez zooms past, looking for a victory.

He passes Gaius and Humboldt.

There goes Luis León Sánchez, says Gaius. Perhaps he'll win today.

Vello and David ride up.

Gaius! What do snails like? asks Vello.

Gaius is taken aback. Does Vello think he is slacking? He decides to answer in a straightforward manner.

Lettuce, cucumber, dandelion greens and carrots.

Wonderful! says Vello. Dandelion greens. They will serve the purpose.

Vello speeds ahead to catch up with Sweezus.

Dandelion greens, says David. That's made him happy.

Is he hungry? asks Humboldt. What's all this about snails?

Something to plant in Candide's Garden, says David. The young ones devised cruel means to deal with the snails. Crushing and poison. Vello has been trying to think of something snails like.

Very commendable, says Gaius. But it's not like Vello to care about the welfare of snails.

Ha ha, laughs David. That's true. But this is his play. Not his garden.

By now they have arrived at the Corkscrew, and their minds turn from snails.

At the bottom of the Corkscrew, they are some way behind the group sprint to the finish.

So let's watch the group sprint to the finish.

Twenty riders pelt down Montecute Road into Athelstone.

Who is winning? Will it be Luis León Sánchez today?

No. Looks like it won't be. Daryl Impey whizzes past him. Hmmmmm!

And then Patrick Bevan.

Third, Sánchez. Okay.

Tour Down Under: Stage Three - Crushing Snails

Stage three. Lobethal to Uraidla. Another hot day.

Terence is wearing Hatter with Eyebrows.

A child with a tooter stares at him.

Are you baby Jesus? asks she.

NO! shouts Terence. See these eyebrows?

He manipulates the eyebrows, to prove that he isn't.

The child laughs.

Come away, says her mother.

Why would the kid ask that? asks Celia.

This is Lobethal, says Belle. They do Christmas lights every year. And scenes of nativities.

Oh, says Celia.

Terence waves at Sweezus, Arthur, and Pablo.

They don't even see him.

They are trying to catch up with Vello, who has joined an early breakaway.

They catch up.

Bold move, says Pablo.

Thank you, says Vello. Thought I may as well risk it.

How do you like this? asks Sweezus. The old woman is out in the garden, crushing snails.

What? cries Vello. Oh, the play. Yes that sounds promising. And what is the upshot?

They debate the virtues of killing garden pests directly, or by other methods, says Sweezus.

Such as poison, says Arthur.

Or planting something snails don't like, says Pablo.

Or something they do like, says Vello. I'm with you. Yes, keep going along those lines. I approve. But now I'm going to drop back.

He drops back, and finds himself level with Pinky.

She shoots forward and turns around sharply, heading between his two wheels.

Merde! cries Vello.

But Vello is a canny rider. He doesn't fall off.

What did we do? asks Kobo.

Nothing, says Pinky. This is boring. Let's stop at a café in Uraidla and not do the six loops.

O yes let's, says Kobo. Ageless and Blue Claw won't know.

They stop at a café in Uraidla. But would you believe it? Ageless and Blue Claw are in the café waiting to order.

Hello ladies, says Ageless. Finished at last?

Don't tell me you've completed six loops, says Kobo, emerging from Pinky.

Six loops? says Ageless. I thought the race had been shortened.

No it hasn't, says Pinky. If you look out of the window you'll see them go round five more times.

Curses! says Ageless.  And what are YOU doing here?

Just stopped for a wee, says Pinky.

She goes into the men's toilet, although she doesn't have to.

And she doesn't emerge for some time.

Ageless, Blue Claw and Kobo watch as the teams do five more loops of Summertown and Uraidla.

The café being not quite adjacent to the finish line they miss Peter Sagan winning narrowly from Luis León Sánchez.

Tour Down Under: Stage Two - Hard Draggy Finish

Another hot day. The stage has been shortened.

The teams roll out of Norwood, and up the Gorge Road.

At the side of the road Terence is watching, in a brown top hat with steampunk glasses.

Team Crustacean streams by.

Yay! cries Terence. Go Team Stinky!

Did you hear that? asks Pinky. That clown said Go Team Pinky

Team Stinky, says Kobo. That would be Terence.

He was wearing a top hat and strange metal glasses, says Pinky.

No talking! shouts Ageless. Lead me out!

Who does he think he is? grumbles Pinky.

Your team leader, says Blue Claw. You should do it.

He can lead himself out, says Pinky. This is too hot a day. We have our own agenda.

What is it? asks Blue Claw.

You'll see, says Pinky.

Richie Porte rides up behind Ageless.

You spend a lot of time in the library, says Richie.

How do you know? asks Ageless.

It's on your profile, says Richie. Can I run a poem past you?

No! says Ageless. I'm having enough trouble. Run it past Blue Claw.

Okay, says Richie. Is he a poet?

Every B C is a poet, says Blue Claw. I've written several. Would you care for a short one?

Yeah, a short one, says Richie. Caleb Ewan's not too far behind.

O to be me, O to be you, O too bee two, O-too-bee-too-bee-too, says Blue Claw.

It's different, says Richie.

Is it? asks Blue Claw.

Caleb's gaining, says Richie. I'll just give you my last three lines:

I have knocked at your door, no one answered
Are you fishing in some autumn pool?
sorry I am to be missing.......

Is missing the best rhyme for fishing? asks Blue Claw.

It's not the end of the line yet, says Richie. But I've got to go.

Let us leave them and skip to not far from the finish.

Not far from the finish, a pile up!

What can have caused it?

 A set of tiny green wheels and four tight pink fingers, changing direction in the midst of the peloton and heading straight for a café. Did anyone see it?

No, thought not.

And the leaders don't need to. Hurrah for the pile up!

Patrick Bevan picks a good line on the hard draggy finish. Zoom! He beats Caleb Ewan and Peter Sagan.

Tour Down Under: Stage One - Steampunk

Stage one of the Tour Down Under. A very hot day.

The teams ride out of North Adelaide, determined.

They follow South Road and the Port River Expressway, then turn up towards the Adelaide Hills and Snake Gully.

Richie Porte pedals mechanically and works on his poem.

To your home on the top of the mountain
I have climbed without stopping......

Yeah that's cool, thinks Richie. No potatoes.

Peter Sagan is some way behind Richie, trying to figure out if it's worth catching up.

Max Walscheid is visualising gaps and squeezing through them.

Team Condor sticks together.

Sweezus: Anyone heard of steampunk?

Pablo: Is it a train?

Sweezus: Nah. Vello thinks I know what it is.

Arthur: So find out. Anyway, what for?

Sweezus: This play I'm supposed to be helping them finish.

Pablo: What is it?

Arthur: Candide's Garden. It's a follow up.

Pablo: Let us take our mind off the bad heat in Snake Gully by thinking up dialogue.

Sweezus: Cool.

They begin to do that.

In Inglewood, Terence is waiting, wearing Hatter with Eyebrows.

A few people have stared.

What's he, mummy? asks a baby.

A boy dressed up, says mummy. I don't know what his mummy is thinking. To let him wear a hat like that with orange hair and eyebrows on a hot day like this. He'll be steaming!

She looks around for Terence's mummy, in order to frown at her negligence.

But there is no mummy. Only a parrot.

The parrot is having an altercation with a man with a tooter.

So obtrusive! squawks Celia.

It's tradition, shrugs the man. Wee-waw! Wee- waw! He toots at a rider.

Who is it?

Jacub Mareczko.

Jacub ignores the tooter. He is thinking of gaps.

Fast forward to the hot finish in Port Adelaide.

Elia Viviani spies a small gap. He shoots through it to beat Max Walscheid and Jacub Mareczko.

Proving something essential, about gaps.

Day Off: The Wrong Sugar

North Adelaide.

Team Philosophe sit under a red umbrella, drinking iced coffee.

Vello: I hope I don't get the runs.

David: At least, if you do, you have a double.

Gaius: I thought he'd packed up and gone home.

Vello: No, he's going to watch from the sidelines.

Humboldt: I see he's doing it already.

Gaius: Why doesn't he join us?

The Vellogram: I'm not deaf. All right. I'll join you. Who's getting the runs?

Vello: Me. This iced coffee has sweeteners in it.

David: It's my fault. I thought it was normal sugar.

The Vellogram: Let me see. O la la! But the packets don't look the same!

Humboldt: Yes. The little paper packets are different colours. The blue one is Equal.

Vello: Hah! They lie. It's not equal.

Belle (arriving with Terence): Hello team. All ready for tomorrow? Papa! What's the matter?

Vello: I've had the wrong sugar:

Belle: Never mind. I know what to do. Wait here and mind Terence.

Gaius: This is TERENCE?

Terence: I'm a CLOWN.

Humboldt: But you hate clowns.

Celia (hopping onto the table): It's incremental therapy.

David: Incremental? How is he a clown?

Celia: Belle took us to the Costume shop and we looked at clown costumes. But Terence only wanted a hat.

Terence: I got TWO hats. This is my favourite. It's got eyebrows.

It does have eyebrows. It's called Hatter with Eyebrows. The top hat is green velour with an orange silk band and a straggly feather. The orange hair is curly and springy. Two of the longest curls are twisted (amazingly) into eyebrows.

Belle: Here papa. A bunch of bananas. Eat one every morning.

Vello: Thanks, darling. I see Terence has a new hat.

Belle: You can hardly miss it. And you should see his other one. It's called Top hat with Steampunk Glasses.

Vello: Steampunk?

Vellogram: Don't tell me you've never heard of it?

Vello: Of course I haven't. And I don't suppose you have. What is it?

Belle: It's a sub genre of science fiction that features nineteenth century steam powered technology and design.

Vello: Will Sweezus know about it?

Belle: Sure to.

Vello: Don't lose those hats. We might use them in Candide's Garden.

David: Brilliant. Yes, Terence. Don't lose those hats.

Terence: I won't. I never lose anything. Where's my other one?

Belle: You do sometimes. Don't worry. I've got it.

East End Street Circuit - Potatoes Versus Feelings

Final day for the women. The East End Street Circuit.

Chloe Hosking wins on the day.

But Spratty wins the whole thing. It's the third time she's won it.

Pinky and Kobo watch her on the podium.

That'll be us one day, says Pinky.

Kobo says nothing. She can't imagine them ever beating Spratty.

Well. That's it for the women.

The women head off to the beach.

Now it's time for the Men's Down Under Classic, on the same street circuit.

The men are already milling around, wheeling their bicycles, bumping into one another.

Richie! says Sweezus. How you doing?

Aw... you know, says Richie. Where's Arthur?

Here, says Arthur.

Woah! says Richie. Cut hands!

Helps me to concentrate, says Arthur.

Fuck man! Did you do it on purpose?

No way, says Sweezus. He did it picking up shards of green glass that dropped out of a tree.

You guys, says Richie. Everything you do seems like it's part of some crazy poem.

How's yours going? asks Sweezus. Did you finish the one about the potato?

Nah, says Richie. La Bonotte, round and squat, that's as far as I got.

Yeah, but it's heaps funny, says Sweezus,

Pablo Neruda rocks up. What is heaps funny?

Richie's potato poem, says Sweezus,

I remember that poem, says Pablo Neruda. Have you written anything better?

I'm working on feelings, says Richie. Given up on the vegies.

You will come to regret that, says Peter Sagan, who is just passing.

WRITING about vegies, says Richie Porte.

Apologies, says Peter Sagan.

He trundles away, to find his starting position.

Bang. They are off.

Round and round the circuit in the hot afternoon sunshine.

Near the end, a few crashes and slides.

A tiny bicycle with green fluoroelastane wheels is seen disappearing into East Terrace Continental.

Here comes Caleb Ewan, pocket rocket, who this year is riding for Team Lotto Soudal.

It's going to be him or Peter Sagan.

Peter Sagan who is usually one hundred percent focused.

But today is thinking about a puzzle. Why would Richie Porte give up on writing about vegies?

Caleb has no such puzzle to distract him.

Yippee. He wins. His new team will love him.

Let Me Out Before I Pop Out

Third day of the women's race. Nairne to Stirling.

The women take a wrong turning.

And no. It's not funny.

The race is restarted, and Grace Brown of Team Michelton Scott is the stage winner.

Well done, says someone with a microphone.

Thank you, says Grace.

Ageless lobster and Blue Claw wait at the finish.

The last woman whizzes by, dripping sweat drops.

Where are they? groans Ageless.

Let's ask someone, says Blue Claw.

He goes straight to the top and asks Spratty, who is first in the General Classification.

Excuse me, says Blue Claw.

What is it? asks Spratty.

Have you seen four pink legs on a very small bicycle?

On and off, says Spratty.

Where are they? asks Blue Claw.

Took a wrong turning, says Spratty.

You all did, says Blue Claw.

Yeah, but after that we never saw them, says Spratty.

How were they doing, up to that point? asks Ageless, coming over.

Pretty damn good, says Spratty. Ditched the pasta wheels for a bike with green wheels. Grace thinks they're fluoroelastane.

Baby Pierre's bike, says Ageless. It is fluoroelastane.

Yeah well, gotta go now, says Spratty. I need a drink of water. By the way, they are females aren't they?

Y....begins Blue Claw.

Err....n....yes, says Ageless.

Why did you interrupt me? asks Blue Claw, when Spratty has gone.

Because I was going to say no, says Ageless. And for this reason: they will be our domestiques in the men's race. Someone may recognise them as females.

But, says Blue Claw. They had to be females in this race.

I know, says Ageless. Too bad. Heh-heh...is that them coming?

Yes, it is them coming.

Pinky's pink legs have grown tight in the heat, and are pounding like pistons.

She slows down, near Ageless.

That was MUCH better, says Pinky.

Let me OUT before I POP out! cries Kobo, from inside her.

Pinky dismounts, and Kobo is let out before she pops out.

Pluu-uh! says Kobo. How did we do?

Took a wrong turning, says Pinky. But we got here.

Everyone took a wrong turning, says Ageless, but they restarted. What happened to you?

Decided to keep a low profile, says Pinky. If we're going in the men's race we don't want too much attention.

Good man, says Ageless.

Blue Claw sniggers.

Ageless looks sideways at Kobo to see how she's taking it.

Hard to tell, really.

Highly Suspicious

It's the second day of the women's race. Nuriootpa to Menglers Hill.

A hot day and the women are sweating.

You must really concentrate on what you are doing.

No time to look around at what else might be happening.

But we have the time.

What is that tiny pink thing?

There on the side of the road.

No wait! It's a yellow thing.

Or a pink thing emerging from inside a yellow thing.

And now something else eases it way out of the pink thing.

A fossilised clam. And from behind a tall palm tree a lobster and a prawn appear, claws akimbo.

Ageless (the lobster): Satisfied now?

Kobo (the clam): No, it was awful!

Blue Claw (the prawn): And you, Pinky?

Pinky (the pink rubber glove): I'm never wearing a yellow rubber outfit again!

Ageless: You won't have to, in the men's race.

Kobo: We may not go in it. Our bicycle sucks.

Pinky: Yes it sucks. Stupid pasta wheels.

Ageless: It's not like you, beloved, to say sucks,,,, sucks,,,, swerp,,,, it gives me a frisson,,,,clik,,,,

Kobo: Stop that and get me a water!

Blue Claw: I think I saw someone lurking behind the last tree with a bottle of water.

He goes to ask for water.

Behind the last tree is the Vellogram, waiting.

The main peloton of women's race has already passed.

Amanda Spratt of Team Michelton Scott is winning.

But others are coming.

And they don't look like women.

Would you believe it? says David. We're at the tail end of the women's race!

I should have checked the route, says Vello.

I thought you did, says David.

I did, says Vello. But it was too late for my plan to be aborted. There's the palm tree!

Going for a pee? asks Humboldt.

Yes, behind this palm tree, says Vello.

This is highly suspicious, says Gaius.

Vello stops cycling and ducks behind the palm tree.

He pops out again, looking fresher.

Anyone got a spare water? he asks.

No, says David. You should carry your own.

You didn't have time to pee, says Humboldt.

What's going on? asks Gaius.

Confusion! cries the new fresh version of Vello.

The old less fresh Vello comes out from behind the palm tree.

NOT very streamlined I must say, says old less fresh Vello.

Be Zen If It Is Zen

Gaius has arrived home.

He has gone into the garden shed and wheeled out his bicycle.

He has wiped it clean of red back spiders.

The red back spiders have grimaced at one another.

Outrageous! This happens every year!

And scuttled under a stiff broom, to await the return of the bicycle.

Be Zen, they tell one another. Think of it as a holiday. If that is Zen.

Gaius is now in the bathroom, rinsing his lycra. It's a hot day. Excellent. It will dry fast.

Knock knock!

Come in! shouts Gaius, thinking it's Humboldt with Terence and Ageless. Door's open!

In comes Belle.

Gaius! says Belle. Just came round to see how things are going.

I'm well on track, says Gaius. But Humboldt hasn't arrived yet.

Knock knock!

He has.

He strides down the passage with news.

You'll never guess what's happened.

Tell us, says Belle.

Kobo and Pinky are going to compete in the women's race, says Humboldt. Ageless was mad at first, but now he and Blue Claw have decided it will be worth it to see how they go.

Terence stomps up the passage.

You ate all the plums, says Terence.

I did NOT, says Gaius. It was those pesky parrots. And they are not plums.

Celia flutters in.

Not plums? What were they?

Peacherines, says Gaius. They were very prolific last season.

They were plums, says Terence.

They were peacherines last season too, says Gaius. They have never been plums.

Would you like some plums? asks Belle.

No, says Terence. I don't like plums. We had plums in Weipa.

We did, says Celia. I'm glad that there aren't any plums.

Me too, says Terence.

Celia looks fondly at Terence, who is now glad that there aren't any plums.

Do you and Humboldt have time to go out with papa and David for a trial run? asks Belle.

Certainly, says Gaius.

Is my bike here? asks Humboldt. If it is, I'll be happy to go out on a trial run.

Don't be surprised at anything you see happening, says Belle. Like if papa disappears behind a tree and comes out looking fresher.

Fresher, says Humboldt. That would in no way surprise me.

He imagines Vello feeling refreshed after taking a pee.

Anyone would look fresher.

But Gaius has known Vello longer.

Fresher eh? He hopes this tree break will not involve cheating.

Rocky Road In Sunken Garden

Belle comes out with the coffee, and three boxes of chocolates.

Also a strange box of cakes.

These were left over from Christmas, says Belle. We've got Belgian shells, Rocky Road, Coconut Roughs and these Wife Cakes.

Belgian Shells, sniffs Vello. They all taste the same.

Delicious smooth chocolate, says David. What's wrong with that?

Why make them look different? asks Vello. It just gets your hopes up.

I love Belgian Shells, says the Vellogram. You know what you're getting. They all taste the same.

Vello shoots a black look at the Vellogram.

The Vellogram ignores him.

What's Rocky Road? asks the Vellogram.

Rocky Road? says Sweezus. Chocolate, marshmallow, nuts and jam. My favourite.

Belle breaks the Rocky Road into pieces, and offers it round.

Arthur picks up the Wife Cakes.

Where'd these come from? asks Arthur.

I don't know, says Belle. Anyone want one?

No one wants one.

Is Gaius back? asks David, munching a reliable Belgian shell.

Should be, says Sweezus. He was on the flight after ours. He had to get home and rinse out his lycra. That reminds me. We need new outfits. Any chance of an easy assignment?

Yes, says Vello. You could help David finish our Fringe play.

What Fringe play? asks Sweezus.

You always do Candide, says Arthur. Are you finally doing something different?

Yes, says David. Very different. It's called Candide's Garden. It's a follow-up.

A great idea, which I had, says Vello.

No one told me, says the Vellogram. Will I be in it?

As an understudy, says Vello. If anything happens to me, you'll take my part.

What part have you got? asks the Vellogram.

It's not finished yet, says David. That's why I could use help from Sweezus.

I'm your man, says Sweezus. What's the pay rate?

A small share of the profits, says Vello.

Done, says Sweezus. I've got heaps of ideas. It can be kind of like a garden show. With. .. you know... like when the earth collapses and everything falls into a hole but they don't care, they just go with it and ......

...make a sunken garden, says Arthur.

How lovely, says Belle. I'll be in it.

I Doubt Myself Sometimes

They're back.

Sweezus and Arthur turn up at the Velosophy office.

The door is closed. Sweezus knocks.

Oh, it's you, says David. Come in. How was San Sebastian?

Been in Weipa, says Sweezus. Chasing snakes and wild crocs.

What a life you lead, says David. Vello, you can come out now! It's only Sweezus.

Vello comes out from the tiny kitchen.

Can't be too careful, says Vello.

You can be, says David. You're being far too careful.

Did the hologram turn up? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says David. This is it. I've been calling it Vello.

Arthur extends his damaged hand to poke at the Vellogram.

Get off ! says the Vellogram. I won't tolerate being poked at by scabs.

What scabs? says Arthur. I picked them off earlier.

You may well have, says the Vellogram. But you haven't cleaned under your nails.

He's not like the original Vello, says Sweezus.

You're telling me, says David. He's a tidiness freak. Go and look in the kitchen.

Sweezus looks. It looks like a different kitchen.

Woah! says Sweezus. How come it's so tidy?

Living in Ferney, says David. It's right on the Swiss border. You know what they're like. Tidy.

Nothing wrong with tidy, says the Vellogram.

The door opens and Vello comes in.

Sweezus and Arthur! You're back from San Sebastian! I see you've met my counterpart.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It's cool that you're different.

That's a comfort, says Vello. You've noticed we're different. I doubt myself sometimes.

The Vellogram is silent, also doubting himself. How is he different?

You riding in the Tour this year? asks Sweezus.

Why wouldn't we? snaps Vello.

His piles have vanished up his arse, says David. We have high hopes this year. In fact we are planning....

Shut up, David, says Vello.

Shut up, says the Vellogram.

Too late. Sweezus and Arthur know at once what they're planning.

Belle enters the office.

Sweezie! You're back! She runs to give him a hug.

She shakes her head at Arthur's dirty fingernails. Like fathergram, like daughter.

Where's Terence?

He stayed back with Ageless to wait for Humboldt, says Sweezus. He's got a new parrot.

Lovely, says Belle. What is it this time?

A parrot, says Sweezus.

He's growing up, says Belle.

Yeah kind of, says Sweezus. He's learned to make pots.

Coffee, everyone? asks Belle. Chocolates?

She goes into the tidy kitchen.

Bangs about opening cupboards.

Where is everything?

No Way Back In Time

Cairns airport.

Humboldt, Celia and the lower ranks of Team Crustacean enter the terminal.

Ageless and Terence are there to greet them.

Ageless heads straight for the plum box.

Kobo! cries Ageless. Do you still love me?

As much as always, says Kobo. Why are you asking?

Never mind, says Ageless darkly.

He skitters back to Terence.

You were lying!

What on? asks Terence.

What ABOUT! shouts Ageless.

How should I know? asks Terence. Where's my parrot?

Here I am, says Celia. We've beaten the cyclone.

So have we, says Terence.

You arrived earlier than we did, says Celia. So that goes without saying.

Then why say it? asks Terence.

Celia sighs. Should she explain the nature of temporal progression? No, maybe later.

Where are the others? asks Humboldt.

Went on ahead, says Ageless. As I should have done.

It's good you waited, captain, says Blue Claw. We can talk bikes.

That's not why I waited, says Ageless.

I get a free one, says Blue Claw. You said so.

Yes, yes, says Ageless. You shall have Baby Pierre's bike, unless it's too small. It might be. Then the domestiques can have it, but that leaves you wheel-less.

Blue Claw hadn't factored in that he might end up wheel-less.

So why did you wait? asks Kobo.

Doesn't matter, mutters Ageless.

To ask you to marry him, says Terence.

Ageless chokes on some spittle.

Pch-spaak!

That is obviously not the reason, says Kobo. I would not marry Ageless.

No! says Ageless. But you would....

He bites his tongue. He will not mention the Rangerbot.

It's about team cohesion.

We'll get the next flight to Adelaide, says Humboldt. I'll see about tickets. Stay here Terence. I'll leave you in charge.

He heads off.

Yay! Terence is in charge of Team Crustacean. Even Ageless.

Your team is useless, says Terence. It's got girls in it.

Is there a women's race? asks Pinky.

There should be, says Kobo.

There is, says Blue Claw. They run it first and it's shorter.

Will we get back in time? asks Kobo.

NO WAY! snaps Ageless.

Burst Or Drifted Away

The thundercloud drifts in a easterly direction

Any chance of the cyclone returning? asks Humboldt.

Highly likely, says Tom. But get in, and we'll beat it to Cairns.

Hub-brummmm. The Gypsy Moth takes off.

Celia looks down. Goodbye Weipa.

First time you've left Weipa? asks Humboldt.

In a plane, yes, says Celia. I've flown all over Cape York. I have parrot friends everywhere. They will miss me. But now, I'm following my heart.

How romantic, says Kobo. What does your heart tell you?

That my future is bound up with Terence, says Celia. I am his first proper parrot.

So he says, says Humboldt. He has a thing about parrots, but his previous parrots have been of non-parrot species.

Yes, one was a balloon, says Kobo. I can't remember whether it burst, or just drifted away.

How SAD, says Pinky.

Ha ha, laughs Tom MacDonald.

Why do you laugh? asks Pinky.

Apologies, says Tom. Just found it funny you thought it was sad.

Because I'm a rubber glove? asks Pinky.

Yeah, admits Tom MacDonald.

He resolves to be more sensitive to rubber passengers, in the future.

Putt-putt. Hop-pop. It's just turbulence.

Putt-putt.

Brmmm.

Now it's finished.

So, says Tom, you all in this bike race?

Yes, says Pinky. And me and Kobo have never cycled before.

Cripes! says Tom MacDonald. What about the Blue Claw?

Me either, says Blue Claw. But I follow cycling. I know all about it. The tactics, the diet, the legs, the commentary, the fans, the clowns and the tooters.

Impressive, says Tom. I've watched a bit of it. I like that one that's in France.

I was in it, last year, says Humboldt. My first time.

How did you do? asks Tom MacDonald.

But Humboldt doesn't wish to boast in front of the newbies.

Average, says Humboldt.

Can't grumble at that, says Tom MacDonald.

Blue Claw remains silent. But he knows he will grumble if Team Crustacean's performance is average.

He sits back and dreams of success.

His legs quiver.

Kobo shivers slightly.

Pinky inflates and deflates.

Celia is silent, thinking of what Blue Claw said he knows about cycling.

It sounds childish. Tooters!

And she doesn't like clowns.

Passing Dark Hours

Three hours later, back in Weipa.

Kobo consoles the Blue Claw.

Ageless just landed in Cairns. You won't be Team Leader. Pity. You'd have been a good one.

Never mind. I didn't feel ready, says Blue Claw.

What's this all about? asks Humboldt, who had been miles away, dreaming of Chimborazo.

Kobo had a message, says Pinky. It was from Ageless. He thought he would die.

Message? says Humboldt. Has there been a message?

Yes. Kobo got it, says Pinky.

They have a supernatural connection, says Celia. Didn't you know that?

Really, says Humboldt. No, I didn't know that. Has it proved useful?

It has helped to pass the dark hours, says Kobo. Ageless gets bored because he is immortal. I am trapped in this clam.

You ARE the clam, surely, says Humboldt. Oh dear. Have I made a faux pas?

Are you your travelling clothes? asks Kobo. Are you those trousers? That grubby white shirt?

Yes, it is rather grubby , says Humboldt. I shall be glad to get home.

The sky is cloudless. There is a good chance of that happening.

So, says Blue Claw. For me, it's back to being a Sprinter. What role do you play?

Me? says Humboldt. Depends. I fancy myself as a climber. I lived for years on Mount Chimborazo. It was where I met Pauline.

Is she your girlfriend? asks Pinky.

He hasn't got a girlfriend, says Celia.

How do you know? asks Humboldt.

No phone, says Celia. To have a girlfriend you must have a phone.

Ageless hasn't, says Humboldt. But I suppose that's because he has the supernatural connection.

Prtt! says Kobo. I wish he did have a phone.

If I had a phone I could call Pauline, says Humboldt. Look up, she used to say. Look up. It was her favourite saying.

As if the spirit of Pauline had made a supernatural connection, Humboldt looks up, just as Tom MacDonald is returning.

Tom swoops in his Gypsy Moth. And waves at Humboldt.

A tiny thundercloud appears on the horizon.

The Act Of Pounding

Yuck! What's that? asks Terence.

Earwax, says Tom Macdonald. Sorry. I know I shouldn't use a pencil.

Indeed you shouldn't, says Gaius. Especially up here with this turbulence.

Tom wipes the pencil on his trousers.

Terence doesn't want it.

Fortunately, they are now over Cairns. The flight is over.

The Gypsy Moth lands, and Ageless stops pacing.

No need to post your goodbye letter, says Gaius.

Too late, says Ageless. I wish I'd known this would happen.

Me too, says Terence.

Thank you for the ride, Tom, says Gaius. Goodbye.

No worries, says Tom. I'll just check on the weather, then I'll fly back to Weipa and pick up your friends.

Excellent, says Gaius.

He heads for the terminal with Ageless. Terence races ahead to see if Sweezus and Arthur have landed.

They have.

Guess what! cries Terence. I was writing a letter.

You can't write, says Sweezus.

I didn't have a pencil, says Terence. Then I got one but it had ear wax on it. Then we landed.

Cool, says Sweezus. Where's the others?

Here, says Gaius. But unfortunately, some of our party are still stuck in Weipa.

Half my team, says Ageless. Blue Claw and my two domestiques.

Bad luck, says Sweezus. Arthur's come good, though.

Let me see your hands, Arthur, says Gaius.

Arthur shows him.

Pounded cabbage twice a day, says Gaius. Fomented in hot water.

Thanks, says Arthur.

You must pound it yourself, says Gaius The act of pounding itself promotes healing.

I know, says Arthur.

Have you told him that before? asks Sweezus.

I'm sure I have, says Gaius. Now the question is, do we wait here for Humboldt and party, or do we push on?

Push on, says Sweezus. We've got to organise our new outfits, and check out the stages.

I suppose I should also push on, says Gaius. Find my bicycle. Oil it. Rinse out my lycra.

No-o! wails Terence. We have to wait for Celia!

I'll wait here with him, says Ageless.

No kidding? says Sweezus. You'd do that?

Yes he WOULD! cries Terence. He wants to tell Kobo he's loved her for Ian's.

Aeons, says Ageless.

Actually, it doesn't sound all that different.

I May Not Be Immortal

Sweezus tips bottled water over Arthur's festering cut.

The little feathers dislodge themselves and dribble down Arthur's leg to the floor of the plane.

It looks better already, says Sweezus. Let's see the other one.

Arthur holds out the other one while Sweezus unwraps it.

Urr, says Sweezus. I reckon the bandages are the problem.

Have I stopped bleeding? asks Arthur.

A sensible question.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Let's chuck the bandages.

No, says Arthur. I might need them again.

You can get new ones, says Sweezus. These are disgusting.

A flight attendant walks by with a rubbish bag.

Any rubbish?

The bandages go in.

Great! says Sweezus. Now that you're better....

(Arthur believes him)

....we can talk tactics.

Okay, says Arthur.

He is tempted to pick at his scabs.

But they're sticky. He shouldn't.

Basically, says Sweezus, we just need to hope it's really hot.

Good tactic, says Arthur.

The plane hits some turbulence.

A soft scab falls off. It's not his fault.

Then another.

.......

Weather's catching up with us, says Tom MacDonald.

Should we turn back? asks Gaius.

No, best we keep going, says Tom MacDonald.

Clunk! Bonk! The Gypsy Moth swoops and dives as a heavy cloud passes.

Rain drops spatter the windscreen.

Woe! says Ageless. I'm doomed to never again set eyes on my Kobo!

Bullshit! says Tom MacDonald.

Bullshit! says Terence.

Terence! says Gaius.

HE said it! says Terence.

He's the captain, says Gaius.

Just a few drops of rain, says Tom MacDonald. You don't know how hairy things can get up here, do you?

Woe! mutters Ageless.

Why don't you compose a letter to Kobo, suggests Gaius. Terence can help you. He has a pencil.

Terence did not know he had a pencil.

He looks for his pencil.

What shall I say? moans Ageless.

That depends on whether you expect to survive or perish, says Gaius.

Steady on, says Tom MacDonald. We're perfectly s....

Gaius winks meaningfully.

On second thoughts, great idea, says Tom MacDonald.

Perish! says Terence.

How can you be so calm? shrieks Ageless.

Come on, says Terence. I've nearly found a pencil. Start talking.

My beloved, says Ageless, calming down a little. My soft and delicious beloved. I may not be immortal.

Ha ha, laughs Terence.

It's not funny, says Ageless. An accident is always possible.

True, says Gaius. Perhaps we should all write a letter to a dear one.

I'm half way through mine, says Ageless.

Sorry, says Gaius. Go on.

...not be immortal, says Ageless. Therefore I must say goodbye. I have loved only you for aeons. I can't believe you want to marry a Rangerbot. My hope is that Terence is lying. Please submit to Blue Claw as captain of Team Crustacean. That goes for Pinky as well. Alas! I must leave you. Always remember your Ageless.

That's very good, says Gaius. Kobo is certainly ageless.

That's not what I meant, says Ageless. Have you recorded that, Terence?

No, says Terence. And I'm not going to write that you hope I was lying.

Leave it out then, says Gaius.

It's all out, says Terence. No pencil.

Have mine, says Tom MacDonald, drawing a short stubby pencil from behind his left ear.

Yuck. There's ear wax on it.

A Kiss Slowly Rising

Gaius knows he should not retell the comical story.

Not to Ageless.

What's the story? asks Ageless.

Never mind, says Gaius. The sooner we take off the better, I imagine.

Too right, says Tom MacDonald. That tropical cyclone's not here yet, but it's coming.

Come on, Terence, says Gaius. Leave the pot.

No, I'm bringing it, says Terence. To remind me of Blue Claw.

No, says Tom MacDonald. You can't bring it.

They clamber into the Gypsy Moth and Tom starts the engine.

Buzz-burr-ummm!

They take off into the cyclone-free blue yonder.

Weee! says Terence. Look down there! I can see Humboldt and Celia. And Pinky and Blue Claw! And even Kobo!

I don't think so, says Gaius. Those are probably ant heaps.

Yes, things look different up here, says Tom MacDonald. Even Rangerbots sometimes look like jellies.

Why does everyone keep talking about Rangerbots? asks Ageless. Are they a problem?

Ha ha! Not unless you're a crown of thorns starfish, says Tom.

Kobo LOVES them, says Terence.

What's this? says Ageless. My Kobo? She never told me.

She wants to marry one, says Terence.

(He is making this up).

Woe! moans Ageless. Take me back to Weipa. I must quiz my beloved!

No way, says Tom MacDonald. Settle down there.

But Ageless is pacing back and forth on his seat in the Gypsy Moth, magnificently jealous.

.........

Sweezus and Arthur are flying in greater comfort.

Arthur is still spouting poetry.

I know the skies bursting with lightning and the waterspouts and the surf and the currents....

Yeah, you do, says Sweezus. Sit back and relax, bro. As soon as we get to Cairns I'll get you a doctor.

A kiss slowly rising to the eyes of the sea, says Arthur.

Yeah right, says Sweezus. Let me look at that hand.

He unwraps Arthur's dirty bandage.

The cut is festering. Little feathers stick out of it.

Sweezus asks for some water.

........

Humboldt is sitting on a seat at the airstrip in Weipa, watching the weather.

It's now raining heavily and wind gusts are reaching 110 kph.

Whoo! A stack of chairs blows over.

Craa-ark! A tree falls on a car in the car park.

Red alert! All flights are now cancelled, says a voice on the loudspeaker.

Damn, says Humboldt. I'm stuck here in Weipa with a parrot, a prawn, a pink rubber glove and a fossilised clam. This is annoying.

Sure Means NOT

The Gypsy Moth lands at the end of the airstrip.

Tom MacDonald climbs out.

Ah! says Humboldt. He might take some of us back to Cairns. Let's ask him.

Good day, says Tom MacDonald. Don't I I know you?

You gave me a lift here a few months ago, says Humboldt. We flew over the reef, to see how it was faring.

Sure I remember! says Tom MacDonald. You had that fossilised clam with you. Kobo. Yeah. We swooped down and saw a Rangerbot. Ha ha! And she fell in love with it.

Ach! Is Ageless listening?

No, luckily. He has gone into the terminal with Sweezus and Arthur to try and wangle some last minute tickets.

Rangerbot! squeaks Pinky. You fell in love with a Rangerbot?

Yes and no, says Kobo. It was more of a fantasy. Rangerbots are so handsome.

O are they? says Pinky.

She has no idea what a Rangerbot looks like. She imagines dark eyes and stiff fingers. Pink. One shade deeper than she is.

Not yellow, the standard colour.

Sweezus comes out of the terminal with good news. Arthur has qualified for two compassionate tickets, due to his delirium.

Yeah, says Sweezus. That's me and Arthur sorted. And we can take Terence if he goes in an overhead locker.

I'm not going in an overhead locker, says Terence. I went in one before.

No you didn't, says Sweezus.

How would you like a ride in my Gypsy Moth? asks Tom MacDonald.

Yay! says Terence. And my parrot?

I'd prefer an overhead locker, says Celia.

Don't suppose you could take Gaius and me? says Humboldt. And our lobster with his small entourage.

One adult and one infant, and the lobster, says Tom. Best I can do. But I could come back for the others.

You go, says Humboldt to Gaius. I've already had the pleasure.

If you're sure, says Gaius.

Least I can do, says Humboldt. I'll stay here and watch the weather, with Celia, Blue Claw, Kobo and Pinky.

Sweezus and Arthur head for their plane, which is boarding.

Gaius, Terence and Ageless wait for Tom MacDonald to refuel, and go to the toilet.

Humboldt sits on a seat with Celia and the plum box beside him, and Terence's pot.

Goodbye Celia, says Terence.

Goodbye, says Celia. I'm sure we'll meet again.

That means you're NOT! says Terence.

No it doesn't, says Celia.

Yes it DOES! says Terence. It's like when Belle says I'm sure you'll win next time.

Who is Belle? asks Celia.

She takes me to bike races, says Terence.

And do you win next time? asks Celia. I probably shouldn't be asking.

Not ME! says Terence. Sweezus. She tells him she's sure he'll win next time. And he doesn't.

It's not the same, says Celia. Here comes Tom MacDonald. You're going. Have a good flight. Keep an eye out for Rangerbots!

Rangerbots! What are they? cries Ageless. Are we in danger?

No no, says Gaius. They are robotic creatures patrolling the reef to kill crown of thorns starfish, Tom told us a comical story....