Ba-Da-Bum

The dead bodies of Don Issachar and the Grand Inquisitor lie on the grass.

Candide wipes the blackberry jam from his sword, with the brick coloured tea towel.

What a scrape we're in! cries Cunégarde. You've killed two men in the space of two minutes! We'll be excommunicated for certain!

Dear lady, says Candide, a jealous man in love doesn't know what he's doing.

Boo! shouts the irritating person. That's no excuse!

Shut up! says a person two seats away.

Just saying, says the irritating person. This play's out of touch with times.

Vello emerges from behind the flimsy curtain, and sits down beside the irritating person.

You may have your opinion, says Vello. But I can't let you extend the play's length ad infinitum.

No, I see that, says the irritating person.

We must be packed and away in ten minutes, says Vello. The next show starts at nine twenty.

That's tight programming, says the irritating person.

Indeed it is, says Vello. But our play is almost finished. Let us watch its conclusion together. Any questions, or complaints, address them to me, sotto voce.

That's reasonable, says the irritating person.

Vello signals the Old Woman to go on.

There are three thoroughbred horses in the stables, with saddles and bridles, says the Old Woman. The gallant Candide can get them ready. You my lady, gather your diamonds. We'll ride through the night to Cadiz.

Candide exits stage left, and Cunégonde and the Old Woman exit stage right. leaving the dead to wriggle off slowly. 

Arthur wriggles off slowly, leaving a trail of blackberry jam.

David wriggles after him, narrowly avoiding the jam.

Is that it? asks the irritating person? It's a pretty lame ending.

Sit tight, says Vello. 

The sound of coconuts is heard from behind the flimsy curtain.

Ba-da-bum, ba-da-bum, ba-da-bum. 

The Earthquake prances out, banging two half coconuts, and begins singing his Coconut Song.