Death By Jam

Our lovers sit down to supper, after which they recline on a couch, says Captain Baudin. But they are soon interrupted.

David enters, dressed as Don Issachar. 

Aha! cries David. So you are not satisfied with the Grand Inquisitor, you Galilean bitch, but this rogue must get a share as well!

He draws a long dagger. Candide draws a sword.

In a matter of seconds, Don Issachar is dead as a doornail.

Holy Virgin! cries Cunégonde. A dead man in my house! If the police come, we're done for!

Let us ask the old woman's advice, says Sweezus.

Ageless enters, but something is different in the region of his left buttock, 

The audience spots it at once.

The left buttock, tied on with the royal blue ribbon, is wearing a headband that flashes on and off.

The royal blue ribbon is not wide enough to disguise it.

How come half your arse is flashing? shouts the irritating person.

The rest of the audience dissolves into laughter.

Ha ha ha ha!

Velle comes out from behind the flimsy curtain, whispers something to Captain Baudin, and retires behind the curtain.

A slight change of cast, says Captain Baudin. The left buttock is now being played by the Storm.

Storm and Lightning, squeaks Baby Pierre. I'm doing it as a favour. 

What happened? asks the irritating person.

Kobo isn't allowed to come back on, says Baby Pierre. She refuses to keep quiet about Mary Beckwith.

I've heard of Mary Beckwith, says another audience member. Wasn't she the first European woman to set foot on Kangaroo Island?

She was, says Captain Baudin. And I'm happy to answer questions later. But the play must go on.

A satirical clap issues from behind the flimsy curtain.

Arthur bursts in, dressed as the Grand Inquisitor, and expresses surprise, on seeing the dead body.

Our hero must think quickly, says Captain Baudin. If this holy man calls for help, then he and Cunégonde will no doubt be burnt as a punishment. He does not hesitate.

Sweezus plunges his sword into Arthur.

Arthur dies, somewhat spectacularly, having cunningly concealed a plastic bag full of blackberry jam under his armpit.

Sweezus, not expecting the blackberry jam, does a double take.

But recovers the moment he smells it.