Wheels Of Green

 A tiny hotel room in Copenhagen.

This is the best I could do, says N F S Grundtvig.

It is perfectly adequate, says Vello. Two beds and a sofa.

But the lady, says N F S Grundtvig. 

She's my mother, says David.

Even so, says N F S Grundtvig. She will want to sleep somewhere.

Where is she? asks Vello.

Gone to the Post Office, says David. To pick up a parcel.

And hopefully, snacks, says Vello. What are the specialities of Copenhagen?

Pizzas, burgers, hot dogs.... says N F S Grundtvig.

Those snacks are universal, says Vello. What do you eat here that's different?

Sushi is popular, says N F S Grundtvig.

 Vello begins to wonder if N F S Grundtvig has ever left Denmark.

What about open sandwiches, says David. 

Good luck eating open sandwiches while riding a bike, says N F S Grundtvig.

The door opens and Katherine enters, followed by Terence.

Katherine has a shopping bag, Terence is carrying a box.

I've bought sports drinks and various snacks for tomorrow, says Katherine. But these open sandwiches are for now. 

She unwraps the open sandwiches. 

Smoked salmon, pickled herring and red onion; roast beef, hard boiled egg and sliced cucumber; smashed avocado and mango salsa; hummus, beetroot, roasted garlic and scallions, says Katherine.

Vello rubs his hands together. It all sounds delicious.

Can I open the box now? asks Terence.

Yes, all right, says Katherine.

I need a knife, says Terence.

He shouldn't have a knife, says David.

I'll do it, says N F S Grundtvig.

He whips out a knife, and rips the box open.

Ta dah! Out shoots Baby Pierre on his tiny bicycle with its wheels of green o-rings.

He executes a wheelie, a backhop, a tailspin and a spectacular barspin.

He comes to a halt.

I've been practising, says Baby Pierre.

What is this? asks N F S Grundtvig.

Baby Pierre, says David. A talented pebble. Don't worry, he's nothing to do with our team.

No, says Terence. Nothing. He's going to be the captain of my frog team.

From the look on his face, it's clear Baby Pierre will need some persuading.

 

N F S! N F S! N F S!

Copenhagen. Fine and sunny.

Today is the Team Presentation.

Team Intermarché-Wanty-Gobert Matérieux! 

The crowd cheers! Hoorah!

Team Trek-Segafredo!

Likwise!

N F S Grundtvig is getting nervous. Team Philosophe is due to be introduced, next but one.

And he is the only team member present.

He scans the crowd. 

Yes! Two riders in Team Philosophe colours are pushing through it, with their bicycles.

He recognises Vello from the Zoom meeting. 

He beckons.

They arrive.

Team Philosophe! announces the announcer. François-Marie Arouet, (cheers!), David Hume (louder cheers!), and the newcomer N F S Grundtvig, who is a native of Denmark! 

The crowd goes wild.

N F S! N F S! N F S!

N F S beams. Vello and David try not to look sour.

You don't get a long moment of glory. 

Team Philosophe trundles off.

Team Condor! calls the announcer.

This will be interesting. 

Are Sweezus and Arthur even there?

Yes! They wheel their bikes onto the stage. And yes! The third rider is Pablo.

Hoorah! The Danish crowd loves Pablo, although he is Chilean, mainly because of his tender poem, A Dog Has Died.

Jeg elsker din farve! cries someone.

Sweezus wonders what that means.

Time to go.

The last team to be presented is Team Ineos.

Yes. Them.

The British tourists cheer for their team.

As we may have noticed, the frog team (Romeo-Knowlesi) has not been presented. Nor has Baby Pierre.

This is not due to the following problems:

1. Team Romeo-Knowlesi have no bicycles

2. Baby Pierre is still in a box at the post office, waiting for pick-up. 

These are problems that will be resolved.

The reason is, these guys are not on the start list. 

Frogs and pebbles (and occasionally lobsters) always ride under the radar.

Lovely Words But Inaccurate

Okay, says Sweezus. You've got your frogs back. Me and Arthur have to get going.

What about Roo-kai? asks Terence.

Victor has him, says Katherine. Don't worry I'll deal with that problem. You boys must have plenty to do to get ready for Denmark.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Find our bikes, flat-pack them, check our jerseys still fit us, get in touch with Pablo.

Your third team member? asks Katherine.

Hope so, says Sweezus. I kind of assumed he was coming.

What if he's busy? asks Katherine. Hasn't he got a job now?

Yeah, as a diplomat, says Sweezus. Yep, I'll call him.

He calls Pablo's number, but gets no answer.

He's probably flying to Copenhagen right now, says Arthur.

Probably, says Sweezus.

He and Arthur head off, to get ready.

So, says Katherine, shame about Shorty-Tartus, he was my favourite.

Mine too, says Terence.

Who's your favourite now? asks Quiet-Tartus.

Still him, says Terence. 

Yes, says Katherine, do we know what he died of?

Practice, says the knowlesi. He was doing laps of the spare tyre.

And the Mazda stopped suddenly, says Quiet-Tartus.

And Shorty fell off and hit his head on a stunner, says the knowlesi.

A stunner? says Katherine. 

It stunned him, says Quiet-Tartus. So we called it a stunner.

What did it look like? asks Terence.

We couldn't see it, says the knowlesi. It was underneath him.

Did he say anything? asks Terence.

No, says Quiet-Tartus. 

Did you? asks Terence.

No, says the knowlesi.

I would have, says Terence.

Say it now, says Quiet-Tartus.

A frog has died, says Terence, it fell on a stunner....

What about, he's not going anywhere? asks the knowlesi.

He's not going anywhere, says Terence.

Lovely words, but inaccurate, as Shorty is currently being driven to Sweezus's place before being returned to Budget Rentals.

RIP Beside The Spare Tyre

Very early next morning the Mazda pulls up ouside Katherine's.

Sweezus and Arthur get out.

Katherine opens the door.

Good to see you're both still in one piece, says Katherine. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. We kind of hooned it.

Terence is listening.

Did you kill anyone? asks Terence.

Fuck no, says Sweezus. At least, that depends on what you mean by anyone.

ANY ONE, says Terence. 

Because there's a bit of bad news, says Sweezus.

What is it? asks Katherine. Oh, don't tell me! The frogs.

No, says Sweezus. At least, not all of them.

Arthur? says Katherine. Sweezus is taking too long to tell us. What happened?

One of the frogs died, says Arthur. Not the slimy one. One of the others.

You've forgotten their names! cries Terence. Where are they?

In the boot, says Arthur. Want to see them?

Terence follows Arthur to the back of the Mazda. Arthur opens the boot.

It's Shorty-Tartus! cries Terence.

Yes! My brother has died, says Quiet-Tartus. Our hopes of forming a cycling team are dashed with his passing.

That was never going to happen, says Arthur. You were only going to be our team mascots. You still are.

Not him! says Terence.

No, not him, says Arthur. 

And guess what? says Terence. Victor arrested Roo-kai. And we can't find his medal.

What's the medal got to do with it? asks Arthur.

Victor wants to see it, says Terence. To prove Roo-kai is a toy.

The medal proves the opposite, says Arthur. Victor's being typically devious.

Wah! cries Terence. I want my parrot!

Come into the house, says Arthur. Bring the frogs with you. 

Terence picks up Quiet-Tartus and the knowlesi, both of whom seem subdued.

Arthur slams shut the boot of the Mazda.

Shorty-Tartus rests in peace in the dark beside the spare tyre.

A surprise for a subsequent renter. 

Death Or Glory!

Vello is alone in the office, when Katherine arrives.

Ah! Katherine, says Vello. It's good of you to fill in for Belle, at such short notice.

I know, says Katherine. What will you expect me to do, exactly?

Everything Belle did, says Vello. 

What did she do? asks Katherine.

Everything, says Vello. Packed our bicycles and ensured they were loaded onto the plane. Bought the electrolytic sports drinks and the Power Bars. And of course, the delicious surprise treats. Also the specialities of the region for our rest day picnics. 

And did she brush your teeth? asks Katherine.

Ha ha, laughs Vello. 

And wash your outfits? asks Katherine.

They were always laid out fresh every morning, says Vello. 

I won't be doing that, says Katherine. You must do your own washing.

Very well, says Vello. I suppose David can do it. 

You must all do your own, says Katherine. And that goes for N F S Grundtvig.

So you know about him? says Vello.

Yes, says Katherine. I believe he is reinventing himself as a cyclist.

As we have all had to do, says Vello.

Have you actually met him? asks Katherine.

Not actually, says Vello. We have done a Zoom conference.

And how did he look? asks Katherine.

Benign, says Vello. 

And that was enough? asks Katherine. Did he look vigorous?

I only saw his head and shoulders, says Vello. And his bookshelf looked impressive.

Really, says Katherine. What books did you spot?

They were all in Danish, says Vello. But all tooled leather covers.

Katherine is about to say that tooled leather covers are no reason to judge bookshelves impressive, when Terence bursts in, followed by David.

Guess what? says Terence.

Wait, says Vello. I need to speak to David.

Sweezus and Arthur are getting here tonight! says Terence. With my frog team!

Very nice, says Vello. David, we're going to have to do our own washing.

Are we? says David. How will it dry?

It's lycra, says Katherine. It will dry overnight as long as you remember to hang it up and don't leave it crumpled.....

Tonight! says Terence. 

Tonight? says Katherine. They must be travelling at twice the speed limit!

First thing in the morning, says David. But it's still less than 24 hours.

Good for them, says Vello. Death or glory!

Vello! says Katherine. Don't say such things in front of Terence.

What was wrong with what I said, Terence? asks Vello.

My frogs might die! says Terence.

And who else? asks Katherine.

Sweezus and Arthur, says Terence.

And who else? asks Katherine.

Terence wonders who else might die.

Whoever they crash into! says Katherine. 

There you are, says Vello. I've taught Terence a valuable lesson.

The Mark Of The Claw

David has come to the airport, to meet Katherine.

Hello mother, says David. Good flight?

Very good, says Katherine. Until the end. I suppose you saw Victor?

No, I missed him, says David.

He's taken my parrot, says Terence. But we're getting him back.

That's good, says David. Now mother, would you like to go home, or straight to the office?

Why would I want to go to the office? asks Katherine.

To talk logistics, says David. We're leaving for Copenhagen tomorrow. 

Tomorrow! says Katherine.

What about my frogs? asks Terence. Are they back yet?

What frogs? asks David.

Sweezus and Arthur are driving back to Adelaide with his frogs, says Katherine.

They'll be enjoying that, says David. 

It's a two seater, says Katherine.

How very funny, says David, imagining Sweezus and Arthur, in a two seater with frogs.

Let's go straight to the office, says Katherine. Will I meet N F S Grundtvig?

No, says David. He lives in Copenhagen. He's already there.

How well do you know him? asks Katherine. 

Not well at all, says David. Vello was looking for new blood. He heard that Grundtvig was trying to reinvent himself as a cyclist, so he got in touch, and Grundtvig was only too happy to join Team Philosophe.

Reinvent himself, says Katherine. Do you know from what?

The usual, I suppose, says David. Being perceived as old fashioned. His criticism of rationalist tendencies, his nationalism, his style of writing....

At least you three will have something to talk about, at the back of the peloton, says Katherine.

Don't underestimate us mother, says David. Vello and I have completed some rigorous training. By the way, you asked about Baby Pierre.

Is he going? asks Terence.

Gone, says David. Last week he posted himself to France in a box with his bicycle.

However will he get out? asks Katherine.

I believe he has posted himself to a post office in Copenhagen, marked poste restante, addressed to Terence, says David. 

How did he know I was going? asks Terence.

He didn't, says David. At the time, nor did I, to be honest.

This sounds suspiciously like David had not expected Baby Pierre's box to be opened, but let's not go there.

What if he can't breathe? asks Terence.

He's a pebble, says Katherine.

Beats me how he does it, says David. No visible legs either. How does he pedal?

The Mark of the Claw, says Terence.

David must have forgotten.

I Must Seize Him

Four o'clock. The plane lands in Adelaide.

The pilot was right. It is raining.

Goodbye, says Katherine's neighbour. And good luck for your son in the Tour.

He will need it, says Katherine. Come on Terence. You'll have to carry Roo-kai.

Okay, says Terence. If he'll let me. 

I'll let you, says Roo-kai.

By the neck? asks Terence.

By the belly, says Roo-kai.

Terence picks Roo-kai up by the belly.

The passengers start shuffling forward, towards the door.

Katherine is behind Terence, with her luggage.

At the door is a policeman.

Sorry, little boy, says the flight attendant. I had to do it.This police officer wants to examine your parrot.

It doesn't look like a parrot, says the police officer. But I am not surprised. This boy looks like Terence.

Victor! says Katherine. It is Terence! And you know Roo-kai.

I'm afraid I must seize him, says Victor.

Yes, hurry up and seize him! mutters a man behind Katherine.

Ridiculous! says Katherine. All right Victor. We'll pick him up later, after you've determined that he is a toy.

That seems unlikely, says Victor, seizing Roo-kai by the belly.

You know what I am, says Roo-kai. 

He's got a medal, says Terence.

Then he must produce it, says Victor. 

I've got it, says Terence. Somewhere.

Just go, says Katherine. You're holding everyone up. 

Victor tucks Roo-kai under his arm, and heads down the gangway, out of the airport and into his van.

Sorry about this, says Victor. But justice must be seen to be done.

That's okay, says Roo-kai. Can I go now?

No, we'll do this properly, says Victor. You can go when Terence produces the medal.

But the medal won't prove I'm a toy, says Roo-kai.

If you're not a toy, says Victor, a number of rules have been broken. And fines must be paid. You may be deported. What is your country of origin?

France, says Roo-kai. You know that. Anyway, it would suit me to be deported, because that's where I'm going.

Victor sighs. Why is nothing straightforward?

In A Bird Voice

Katherine has dropped her hired car off at the airport.

She is now on the plane.

Terence is sitting beside her, looking up.

Can Roo-kai come down yet? asks Terence.

Not until we take off, says Katherine. We don't want any trouble.

The plane takes off.

Welcome to flight J507 says the pilot, on the speaker. We should be ariving in Adelaide at four o'clock, when it will be raining. Have a pleasant flight and thank you for flying with Jetstar.

Now, says Terence.

All right, says Katherine, but remember to pretend he's a toy.

I know, says Terence.

Katherine stands up and opens the overhead locker.

Roo-kai tumbles out, and lands in the aisle.

A flight attendant comes forward.

What's this! says the flight attendant. 

My parrot, says Terence. 

His parrot TOY, says Katherine. They make them so lifelike these days.

The flight attendant picks up Roo-kai, who has stiffened.

It's warm, says the flight attendant.

Good, says Terence.

The flight attendant gives Terence his toy which looks (to her) more like an oystercatcher than a parrot.

But she has no time to argue.

She has spotted a passenger who is not wearing a mask.

She hurries forward to remonstrate with the passenger.

That was a close one, says Roo-kai.

Shut up, says Terence. You're supposed to be a toy.

Toys can talk, says Roo-kai. 

Yes, they can says Katherine. But you must press a button.

That's true, says the passenger in the window seat, next to Katherine. My grand daughter has a toy bird in a cage  and if you press a button and speak to it, it repeats what you've said in a bird voice.

How clever, says Katherine.

But your grandson's toy is even cleverer, says the passenger. It said 'that was a close one', when neither you nor your grandson had said it.

Err... no, says Katherine. It does sometimes surprise us.

Nor does it look like a parrot, continues the passenger.

We're aware of that, says Katherine. 

No doubt, says the passenger. Does your grandson have many toys?

He isn't my grandson, says Katherine. He is travelling with me back to Adelaide to meet up with his guardian, a Tour de France rider. 

And my frog team, says Terence. They're in it too.

In the Tour de France? says the passenger.

Yes, says Terence. 

And are they real frogs? asks the passenger.

Yes, says Terence. They're called the Romeos.

What about the knowlesi? asks Katherine. He isn't a Romeo.

Romeos-and-Knowlesi, says Terence.

They can't have a funny name like that, says Katherine.

Some of the teams do have funny names though, says the passenger. Take Intermarché-Wanty-Gobert Matérieux, for example.

You follow it? asks Katherine.

I do, says the passenger. 

My son rides for Team Philosophe, says Katherine.

The skinny one? asks the passenger.

No, the portly one, says Katherine.

And the reliable plodder? says the passenger. 

Gaius isn't in it this year, says Katherine. They have a new rider, N F S Grundtvig.

You don't say? says the passenger.

Katherine and the passenger continue to talk about the Tour and its riders.

Roo-kai feels he can relax.

Breathing In Boots

Katherine has packed up and left, with Terence and Roo-kai.

We should pack too, says Gaius.

I've already done it, says Wittgenstein.

Very kind, says Gaius. Thank you. Did you find my pencil?

I haven't packed your things says Wittgenstein. Just mine. 

Oh, says Gaius. Then I'd better do it. By the way, do you know N F S Grundtvig? 

If it's the same person, says Wittgenstein, he is the founder of Grundtvigianism.

Which is? asks Gaius.

He is looking about for his pencil.

Some Danish ism, says Wittgenstein. To do with religious freedom.

Not the kind of rider I'd expect Vello to choose for Team Philosophe, says Gaius, opening a cupboard.

No pencil, but Monty falls out.

Tch! says Gaius. I've found Monty. How did he get there?

We may never know, says Wittgenstein. He's unlikely to tell us.

Gaius drops Monty into his back pack. 

Monty comes to rest between underpants and socks.

.......

Katherine is not far out of Brisbane.

All right back there? asks Katherine. You've been very quiet.

We're being mindful, says Roo-kai.

I'm not, says Terence. I'm thinking about the last time.

Which last time? asks Katherine.

In this car, says Terence. My frog team was in it.

They had a nest, says Roo-kai. And I had something waterproof to sit on

Now they're in the Mazda, says Katherine. 

And they won't have a nest, says Terence. There's not even a back seat for them to lie on. And now there's three of them.

They were found in the boot, says Katherine. Maybe they stayed there.

It's a long way to Adelaide, says Roo-kai.

What if they can't breathe? says Terence. And their muscles are going all saggy. 

Or spongy, says Katherine. But I'm sure they can breathe. One only has to watch crime shows to know that.

Is that so? asks Roo-kai. Why are people breathing in car boots in crime shows?

Oh, you know, says Katherine. They get knocked on the head, tied up and bundled into a car boot, with tape over their mouth so they can't alert anyone.

Then what? asks Roo-kai.

A police officer chases the car and stops it and opens the boot and the person is there with their mouth taped up and their eyes open, says Katherine.

Always? asks Roo-kai.

No, not always, says Katherine. Sometimes they have died. But only if the car's been abandoned...

Wah! cries Terence.

Luckily they have now arrived at the car rental agency, and the subject of breathing in car boots is closed.

Why She Laughed

So this is goodbye, says Katherine.

Goodbye, says Terence.

Not you, says Katherine. Start packing.

Packing what? asks Terence.

Your things, says Katherine. Gaius, where are Terence's things?

He has no things, says Gaius. If he did, he has lost them. 

Monty! says Terence.

Yes, Monty, says Gaius. At least he was only a toy horse. Imagine if you'd lost a real one.

Terence imagines losing a real one. 

It would have been better.

He might be in my glove box, says Katherine.

He's sure to turn up, says Gaius. Are you planning to drive all the way back to Adelaide?

No, says Katherine. I hired the car in Brisbane. I'll drop it off there and fly home.

Yippee! says Terence. I like flying. So does Roo-kai.

Roo-kai, says Katherine. Is he coming?

Yes, says Terence. 

Have you asked him? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence. 

It would be nice if you asked, says Roo-kai. 

Are you coming? asks Terence. 

Yes, says Roo-kai. 

Do you have any things? asks Katherine.

No, says Roo-kai.

Too easy, says Katherine. Well goodbye Gaius, good luck with counting the gobies.

Goodbye, Katherine, says Gaius. I should have liked to be coming myself, but this year the team doesn't need me.

They must have someone else in mind, says Katherine. It can't be just David and Vello. 

Another philosopher, perhaps, says Gaius. 

Quite likely, says Katherine. Easy enough to find out. 

Is it? asks Gaius.

Katherine gets her phone out and googles the start list.

Team Philosophe: Francois-Marie Arouet, David Hume, Nikolaj Grundtvig. Ha!

You laugh, says Gaius. 

Grundtvig, says Katherine. Also known as N F S Grundtvig. 

But she will not explain why she laughed.

Frog Cycling Glory

Katherine returns to the room.

Letitia is there to pick up the knowlesi.

Terence is explaining that the knowlesi has died.

He died, says Terence. In the Japanese garden.

He looked so well, says Letitia.

Maybe a bird ate him, says Terence.

Perhaps a swan, suggests Gaius. Swans have been known to eat them.

So you don't know, says Letitia. Which means you didn't see it.

Only when it was dead, says Terence. 

What did you do when you saw it was dead? asks Letitia.

Made it a poem, says Terence.

A frog has died

We buried it in the Japanese garden

He's not going anywhere.

I don't believe you, says Letitia. If a swan ate the knowlesi, there would have been nothing to bury.

Terence tries to think of an answer,

But he doesn't have to.

It's only his usual dead animal poem, says Katherine. And in fact I have good news. The knowlesi is on his way to Copenhagen.

Woohoo! says Terence.

And so am I, says Katherine. 

Dead? asks Letitia.

What? says Katherine.

The knowlesi, says Letitia.

No, alive, says Katherine. The knowlesi is planning to form a team with Baby Pierre and the Tarti.

Or just the Tarti, says Gaius. Baby Pierre likes to go solo.

So you knew! says Letitia. You guys didn't have to pretend that the knowlesi had died.

We thought you'd prefer it, says Gaius.

Scientists never prefer to be lied to, says Letitia.

Apologies, says Gaius. 

That's okay, says Letitia. So I guess now you'll be moving into the camper.

We will, says Gaius. We shall head north to Townsville. But it seems Katherine will be leaving for Denmark.

What about me? asks Terence.

Would you like to come with me? asks Katherine. 

Would I! says Terence. Yay! I can't wait to tell the frogs I'm their manager!

You'll be too busy helping me, says Katherine.

But Terence is already dreaming of frog cycling glory.

Brainwave!

 Katherine scrapes the remains of the baked emu into the compost bin.

It was not wholly successful.

She wonders if David would have liked it.

Oh yes. She was going to call David.

Ring a ding.

Hello mother, says David. How is Queensland?

It's stopped raining, says Katherine.

That's a plus, says David. 

Yes, says Katherine. Raining one day, not raining the next. When do you leave for Copenhagen?

Next week, says David. I don't suppose you'd consider coming?

You've never asked me before, says Katherine.

I'm sure I must have, says David. 

Well, that's a plus, says Katherine. What's up? Is Belle not going?

How did you know? asks David. 

Logic, says Katherine. No Belle, no one to give out the drinks and musettes, and organise the picnics. Brainwave! Why not ask mother!

You called me, remember? says David.

Oh yes, says Katherine. I wanted to ask if you knew whether Baby Pierre was going.

That little so and so, says David. I hope not.

Well, Terence is hoping he's going, says Katherine.

Why? Is Terence going? asks David.

No. He'll be with Gaius and Ludwig, looking for gobies, says Katherine.

In the water? asks David.

I've volunteered to stay in the boat with him, says Katherine.

Then you could just as well come to Copenhagen, says David. And bring Terence. 

That's generous of you, says Katherine. I assume you'll be paying.

Do you? says David. Well, all right. If he doesn't cost extra.

He does if he has a seat, says Katherine.

We'll discuss all that later, says David. And thank you, mother. Would you like me to find out about Baby Pierre?

Yes please, says Katherine. Tell him Terence is sending a frog team over, with Sweezus and Arthur. 

That sounds rather fishy, says David.

Look on the bright side, says Katherine. 

I would, says David. If I knew what it was.

Tiny Bicycles

You'll be relieved to hear this news, Terence, says Gaius. The frogs have been found.

Who's got them? asks Terence

Arthur and Sweezus, says Gaius. It seems the frogs stowed away in the boot of the Mazda.

When are they coming back? asks Terence.

That is the question, says Gaius. Perhaps never.

What's this? says Katherine. 

The frogs, says Gaius. They're going to the Tour de France to be mascots. That's if they get there.

If I know Arthur, they'll get there, says Katherine. 

What's a mascot? asks Terence.

A symbolic figure, says Wittgenstein. Such as Willy.

Who the dickens is Willy? asks Gaius.

A whale, says Wittgenstein.  

Willy was not a mascot, says Katherine. He was a fictional whale in the film called Free Willy.

Good, says Terence. The frogs wouldn't want to be willies.

Olly the kookaburra! says Gaius. Year 2000 Sydney Summer Olympics. And Syd the echidna.

Syd wasn't the echidna, says Katherine. That was Millie. Syd was a platypus.

Now do you understand mascots? asks Wittgenstein.

No, says Terence. And the frogs won't. They'll want to have their own team.

Too small, says Gaius. Hard to find tiny bicycles. But then again, Baby Pierre seems to manage.

They can be in his team, says Terence.

Baby Pierre is a loner, says Gaius. And we don't even know if he's going.

I'll call David and see if he knows, says Katherine. Anyone for seconds?

The Baked Emu has congealed and doesn't look tempting.

Right. It goes in the bin, says Katherine.

She takes the dish down to the kitchen.

Those frogs will miss me, says Terence. 

They will, says Roo-kai.

Unless I go too, says Terence.

Don't even think about it, says Roo-kai.

But Terence is already thinking of ways he might do it.

On The Way Down

Katherine comes back with three spoons.

Dig in, says Katherine.

They do.

 Not bad, says Wittgenstein.

Quite tasty, says Gaius. You'd hardly know it was emu.

Or pumpkin, says Wittgenstein.

Nevertheless, says Katherine, it's the last time I cook emu.

Can I try it? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius.

What can I do? asks Terence.

Look at these pictures of gobies, says Gaius.

Terence looks. The gobies are swimming amongst colourful corals. 

Are we going to count them? asks Terence.

If we are lucky enough to see any, says Gaius. We'll need to hire snorkels.

Me too? asks Terence.

He'd love to swim with a snorkel.

Probably not, says Gaius. You could wait in the boat and...umm....

Umm, says Terence. I'm not umming.

It might be best if he stays with me, says Katherine. Imagine if he fell overboard.

I could count gobies on the way down, says Terence.

And then what? asks Wittgenstein, unkindly. 

What a spoilsport.

Gaius's phone rings.

It's Arthur.

Hey, says Arthur. Are you missing three frogs?

As a matter of fact yes, says Gaius.

We just opened the boot of the Mazda, says Arthur. 

Are they in good spirits? asks Gaius. 

Yes, says Arthur. Very good spirits. They think they're coming with us to the Tour.

Have you explained to them it's not possible, asks Gaius.

No, says Arthur. We thought we'd let them.

Great Zeus! Why? asks Gaius.

Mascots, says Arthur. 

They won't get through customs, says Gaius. And if by some chance they do get to Europe, there's a good chance they'll die there.

They're tough, says Arthur. Anyway, thought we'd let you know they're with us, so you can stop looking.

Hum, says Gaius. Thank you Arthur. Terence will be relieved.

But strangely enough, Terence isn't.

No Frogs No Spoons

Sweezus and Arthur get into the Mazda.

We'll drop it off when we get to Adelaide, says Sweezus.

Remember to fill it with petrol, says Wittgenstein.

Good luck with the Tour, says Katherine. 

Bad luck, says Terence.

That's very ungracious, says Gaius.

It's not fair. I always go, says Terence. I give the drinks out.

You don't give the drinks out, says Gaius. You stand next to Belle and she hands the drinks out.

And sometimes she goes on a motor bike, says Terence.

I know, says Gaius. And then she has to find someone to look after you.

A clown, says Terence.

He remembers that clown. 

At least you won't have to be minded by a clown, says Sweezus. And we can do Facetime.

Terence has the frogs to look after, says Roo-kai.

So he does, says Gaius. They'll keep him occupied.

Where are they? asks Terence.

They have their heads together up in our room, says Gaius. Probably planning a new contest.

Okay, see you later, says Sweezus.

He and Arthur drive off in the Mazda.

I'd better start cooking that emu, says Katherine.

She heads to the kitchen.

Gaius, Wittgenstein and Terence go back up the stairs.

Terence looks around for the frogs.

They are nowhere. No frogs. No empty ninja costumes.

They'll be down in the Japanese garden, says Gaius. Don't fret.

I'll help you look for them, says Wittgenstein.

He and Terence go back down the stairs.

Roo-kai is waiting.

Not upstairs? says Roo-kai.

Gaius said they'll be in the garden, says Terence. 

They search the dry garden, the lake and bridges, the islands, the azalea hill, the mountain stream and waterfall, and the three kilometres of paths, but see only swans, ducks, geese and 230 species of Japanese and Australian native trees and plants.

But the time they have finished it is lunchtime. The Baked Emu and Crushed Pumpkin is ready.

Katherine has brought it up to the room, in a baking dish. 

No frogs? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence.

I don't suppose they could have stowed away in the Mazda? says Katherine.

Why would they? says Gaius.

The knowlesi seemed very interested in the Tour, says Katherine. Perhaps he persuaded the other two frogs to go with him.

They won't make it to Copenhagen, says Gaius. Too many barriers.

True. Come on, let's eat this concoction, says Katherine. 

Are there spoons? asks Gaius.

There are no spoons. 

Katherine has to go back down the stairs to the kitchen.

A Daring Ambition

I'd better go now, says Katherine. I promised to do that Baked Emu.

I hope your half pumpkin's still there, says Letitia. Things sometimes go missing.

Can I stay here? asks the knowlesi. 

Not really, says Letitia. You have to go back to the rainforest where I found you.

What if I don't want to? asks the knowlesi.

Don't you want to? asks Katherine.

Not yet, says the knowlesi.  

That's okay, says Letitia. I'm going to spend today working on my thesis.

So he can stay for a while, says Roo-kai.

Not on his own, says Letitia. 

Roo-kai is about to offer to stay in the Japanese garden with the knowlesi when Sweezus appears.

Me and Arthur are heading off now, says Sweezus. 

Not staying for lunch? asks Katherine. I'm doing Baked Emu with Crushed Pumpkin.

Can't, sorry, says Sweezus. Got to get back to Adelaide asap, to prepare for the Tour. 

Hey! says Letitia. I was sure I knew you! You're that guy from Team Condor!

Yeah, says Sweezus. I'm the captain. Last year was a bit of a fuckup, but this year'll be better. Except we haven't done that much training.

You look pretty fit, says Letitia. 

There's more to it than that, says Katherine. There are tactics involved.

We're not short on tactics, says Sweezus. 

Best of luck! says Letitia.

What's the Tour? asks the knowlesi.

Tour de France. A bike race, says Roo-kai. 

Sweezus looks at the knowlesi.

Your legs look okay.

They're good, says the knowlesi. 

He does a hopping dance, on the rock, to prove it.

Awesome, says Sweezus. You could ride a bike with those muscles.

Sweezus is just trying to make up for the cutting-up-of-frogs-in-school-biology, that he mentioned before.

But the knowlesi is forming a daring ambition.

Peace And Longevity

Letitia looks hard at the knowlesi.

The knowlesi can't hold his breath for much longer.

Huuuh, goes the knowlesi.

He's alive, says Letitia. And no straws, so his back legs aren't broken.

She scoops up the knowlesi.

I want peace and longevity! croaks the knowlesi.

Isn't that sweet, says Katherine. 

He thought you were going to cut him up, says Roo-kai.

Never, says Letitia. I just want some photos. In the old days we used to do toe clipping, hot wire branding, or tattooing. But now we have pattern recognition software.

Do frogs have toe nails? asks Katherine.

Err...no, says Letitia. We clipped the actual toes.

The knowlesi is shocked. How would Letitia like it if someone clipped her toes?

Roo-kai brushes a wing feather lightly over the knowlesi, to calm him.

Shall we take photos here in the Japanese Garden? asks Katherine. I'd like some.

All right, says Letitia.

Under those beautiful Japanese maples, says Katherine. With the leaves drifting down.

A bit arty, says Letitia. I'd prefer the knowlesi to sit on a rock.

There is a rock naturally dispersed in a random way under one of the Japanese maples.

They head there.

The knowlesi hops onto the rock.

Wait, says Katherine. A leaf is falling.

Click. What a beautiful photo. 

The brown knowlesi, with his golden iris, on the grey rock, the red Japanese maple leaf beside him.

Letitia takes a close up, without the leaf, for her thesis.

How about one of you with the knowlesi, says Katherine. You found it.

Okay, says Letitia. She sits on the grey rock.

Click.

It's a nice photo of the two of them. Letitia is smiling, and so is the knowlesi.

Letitia is smiling because she found the knowlesi.

The knowlesi is smiling because he won't be cut up.

Best Not Be Too Hopeful

A fine morning, with Queensland clouds.

Roo-kai is showing the knowlesi the Japanese garden.

Very nice, says the knowlesi. I should like to be buried on one of those islands.

If you were dead, says Roo-kai.

Ruurk! says the knowlesi.

Whereas I would not care where I was buried, says Roo-kai.

Are you Japanese? asks the knowlesi.

No, French, says Roo-kai.

So the French don't care.... begins the knowlesi.

No, just me, says Roo-kai. 

What a peaceful contemplative garden, says Katherine, coming up behind them.

Ruurk! says the knowlesi.

He's imagining he's died, says Roo-kai.

That must be difficult, says Katherine. Or maybe I'm wrong. Is there a frog afterlife?

Not that I know of, says the knowlesi.

This garden is named Ju Raku En, says Katherine. It means to enjoy peace and longevity in a public place.

There you are, says Roo-kai. Longevity.

En? says the knowlesi. 

That must mean a public place, says Roo-kai. Oops! Look who's coming!

It's Letitia.

She has seen Katherine, and come up to greet her.

Enjoying the garden? asks Letitia. Isn't it fine? All the rocks have been placed to appear naturally dispersed in a random way.

How clever, says Katherine. And I do love the four bridges to the islands. So Japanesey.

Yes, says Letitia. The lake represents the celestial sea, lapping the shores of the islands which are home to the immortals.

Very pretty, says Katherine. Oh look, swans.

Letitia has seen the swans already,

Instead she looks at Roo-kai.

Why is he squatting and why is he ruffling his feathers?

Why does he look guilty?

Something brown and slimy protrudes from his undertail coverts.

The knowlesi! cries Letitia.

Roo-kai slides way from the knowlesi.

No point hiding it now.

The knowlesi attempts to play dead, but best not be too hopeful.

No Need To Wash For Three Weeks

Wait here, says Gaius to the knowlesi.

Will Letitia want to see me? asks the knowlesi.

You'll have to pretend that you're dead, says Terence. 

Where are my straws? says the knowlesi.

No need for any such theatrics, says Gaius. We'll just tell her you died.

And we buried you in the garden, says Terence. 

I'd like that, says the knowlesi.

You can't, says Terence. You won't even be there.

But I like the idea, says the knowlesi. 

Have you seen the garden? asks Roo-kai. I flew over it earlier.

Is it lovely? asks the knowlesi.

Superb, says Roo-kai. It's a Japanese garden.

Is that so? says Gaius. What is a Queensland university doing with a Japanese garden?

Who knows? says Roo-kai. But it's a beautiful place to be buried.

Have I time to go and look at it? asks the knowlesi.

Of course, says Gaius, But don't let Letitia see you.

You could borrow a ninja costume, says Terence.

Good idea, says Roo-kai.

He and Terence leave the camper, and go back to the room where Katherine and Ludwig are talking to Sweezus about his plans for Team Condor.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Same rig as last time. Green and brown. You don't have to wash it.

Ever? says Katherine.

Well, not for three weeks, says Sweezus. 

Terence bursts in!

We need a ninja costume for the knowlesi! He's going to the Japanese garden.

I've heard about the Japanese garden from Letitia, says Katherine.

He wants to be buried there, says Terence.

Then he's not having my costume, says Quiet-Tartus.

It's a ruse, says Roo-kai. No one's going to bury your costume. Or the knowlesi.

So the knowlesi wants to see the garden he's not going to be buried in? says Wittgenstein.

Wouldn't you? asks Roo-kai.

A pertinent question. 

Black Day Black Night

Roo-kai appears in the doorway.

Where have you been? asks Terence.

Loitering in the kitchen, says Roo-kai.

We lost the knowlesi, says Terence.

I know, says Roo-kai. He went past the kitchen.

Why didn't you stop him? asks Gaius.

It was not for me to stop him, says Roo-kai. He'd have had his reasons.

His life was in danger, says Quiet-Tartus.

No it wasn't, says Gaius. But he may have thought so.

I'll go and look for him, says Roo-kai.

He's in the camper, says Arthur. The door isn't locked.

It may not even be closed, says Katherine.

I can probably slide it, says Roo-kai.

Can I go with Roo-kai? asks Terence.

Yes, says Gaius. If you see the knowlesi, tell it there's nothing to fear.

Nothing to fear, says Terence.

He goes down the stairs with his parrot.

They exit the building. 

The camper is parked nearby, the door is ajar.

As though someone has closed it with such a hard push it has rebounded.

Roo-kai pushes the door futher open.

He and Terence enter the camper.

Knowlesi! whispers Terence.

What? whispers the knowlesi.

You have nothing to fear, says Terence.

What does that mean? asks the knowlesi.

Sweezus won't cut you up, says Terence. That was in the olden days. Now girls do it.

Letitia! says the knowlesi.

Are you sure he said that? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, says Terence. 

How did you know I was here? asks the knowlesi.

Arthur told us, says Terence.

Right! I'm off, says the knowlesi. 

It hops to the door.

Leap. Bop. Straight into Gaius.

Dear me! says Gaius. Are you all right?

Yes, says the knowlesi. But it was a black day when I met all you people.

A black night, says Gaius. But you didn't mean that.

No I didn't, says the knowlesi. Anyway I was just leaving.

Stay, says Gaius. A plan has been devised for your safety,.

Yay! says Terence. I told you!

What is it? asks the knowlesi.

Sweezus and Arthur will be taking the Mazda back to Adelaide, says Gaius. They need to get their bicycles in order, for the Tour. Ludwig and I will be taking take the camper further up the coast, looking for gobies. You are welcome to come with us. We'll tell Letitia you died.

Is that right? asks Roo-kai.

That's the short version, says Gaius. 

I mean morally, says Roo-kai. And what about science?

Let us leave the decision to the knowlesi, says Gaius. 

The knowlesi likes the idea of telling Letitia he died.

Valuable Only To Science

Arthur walks in.

Everyone is lifting things up.

Arthur! says Gaius, dropping a cushion. Did you come up the stairs?

Yes, says Arthur. It's the only way to get up here.

Yes, I know, says Gaius. Forgive me, I'm flustered.

We've lost the knowlesi! cries Terence.

Perhaps Arthur saw it on the stairs, says Katherine. Have you seen a small slimy brown frog?

Yes, says Gaius. Have you?

Not on the stairs, says Arthur.

Anywhere else, bro? asks Sweezus.

Was it valuable? asks Arthur.

You've stepped on it, says Wittgenstein. Or why are you asking?

I didn't step on it, says Arthur. 

It's not valuable, says Sweezus, Well, yeah, it kind of is. But only to science.

It's his fault, says Terence, pointing at Sweezus.

It really isn't, says Katherine. Sweezus was remembering his school biology class.

Yeah, I was, says Sweezus. The girls wouldn't dissect the frog so I had to.

It's outrageous! says Quiet-Tartus.

I know, says Sweezus. I bet girls aren't like that now.

Who cares who DOES it! shouts Quiet-Tartus.

We're losing the plot here, says Wittgenstein. 

Indeed, says Gaius. What are we going to say to Letitia?

We lost your knowlesi, says Terence. But we'll get you another one.

Great, says Sweezus. Are they common?

Most uncommon, says Gaius.

Shit, says Sweezus. 

We might yet find it, says Wittgenstein. I suspect Arthur has seen it.

Okay, I have, says Arthur. But it asked me not to tell you.

Where is it? asks Terence.

In the camper, says Arthur. 

Wonderful, says Gaius. Where are the keys?

I didn't lock it, says Arthur.

Did you shut the door? asks Sweezus. 

Arthur doesn't remember.

Or he does. 

He can't always be trusted.

Toulymong

Arthur has woken at last.

He has looked around the camper.

Sweezus has gone.

Probably to meet up with Gaius and Ludwig.

He rolls off the bed, and slides open the door of the camper.

A frog hops inside.

Merde! says Arthur. 

You speak French! says the knowlesi.

(yes, it's the knowlesi).

And English, says Arthur. But not frog.

We can't all speak frog, says the knowlesi. 

We meaning who ? says Arthur.

Toulymong, says the knowlesi.

(his French pronunciation is somewhat lacking).

So anyway, says Arthur, not bothering to correct him, I don't suppose you've seen a guy wearing shorts anywhere?

Shorts anywhere? says the knowlesi. 

Not the shorts, says Arthur. Him.

What does he look like? asks the knowlesi.

Like this, says Arthur, getting his phone out and showing the knowlesi a photo of Sweezus eating a fig.

It's from some time ago, but it still looks like Sweezus. Eating a fig.

What's that? asks the knowlesi, with suspicion.

A photo of him, says Arthur. Have you seen him?

What's he eating? asks the knowlesi. It's my size and it's brown and patchy.

Arthur looks. It's a fig.

Phew! says the knowlesi. This guy cuts frogs up, you know.

He doesn't, says Arthur. He hasn't even cut the fig up.

He's EATING it, says the knowlesi.

Where is he? asks Arthur. 

Upstairs, says the knowlesi. If you go up, don't tell them I'm here.

I won't, says Arthur. Is there a room number?

I'm a frog, says the knowlesi. I don't pay attention to room numbers.

I'll find them, says Arthur. Are you staying in the camper?

Yes, says the knowlesi. I need to hide from Letitia.

Okay, says Arthur.

He throws on some clothes, gets out of the camper, enters the building and goes up the stairs.

It's clear which room his friends are in. 

The door is open and it's sheer pandemonium inside.

Recently Splatted

Katherine picks up the short silicone straws.

This is either good news or bad news, says Katherine.

Germs? says Sweezus. You should've left them there.

No, they were mine originally, says Katherine. Part of one straw.

So how come? asks Sweezus.

You'll see, says Katherine.

She knocks on a door.

Gaius opens, and Terence rushes out.

Hey little buddy! says Sweezus.

Guess what! says Terence. Our frogs won! 

I know, says Sweezus. That's pretty awesome. Where are they?

On the table, says Terence.

There are three frogs on the table, two of whom Sweezus knows. The third one is the knowlesi.

They are doing gleeful kneebends.

Good news, Katherine, says Gaius. Your straws were successful.

Or not necessary in the first place, says Wittgenstein.

That is an alternative explanation, says Gaius.

Successful? says Sweezus. Successful at what?

I squeezed the knowlesi, says Terence. And it zoomed away to the window and splatted.

Sweezus looks at the knowlesi.

It does not have the appearance of a frog that has recently splatted.

And his legs broke, says Terence. But Gaius put straws on.

That makes sense, says Sweezus. And now you've got three frogs. 

The knowlesi stops bending.

Is this true?

What did it say? asks Sweezus.

Is this true? says Terence. Wait a minute, I'll ask it.

Is what true? Terence asks the knowlesi.

But the knowlesi is embarrassed.

Three frogs, says Quiet-Tartus. He's number three in our team.

Now that he's better, says Shorty-Tartus. We asked him.

Cool, says Sweezus. 

Not really, says Gaius. This frog is a litoria knowlesi, a newly named species. It's also Letitia's first one. She will be wanting it for her thesis.

What, like, to cut it up? says Sweezus, remembering the school biology class where he had to do it.

No, of course not, says Gaius. 

But the damage is done.

Unwakeupable

It's five o'clock in the morning.

Here we are! says Letitia. It's been a long night. Now go and catch up on some sleep.

No need, says Gaius. We've been dozing. But you will be weary.

No way, says Letitia. I'm pumped. Finding that knowlesi!

A shame it got injured, says Gaius.

Yes, says Letitia. Frogs are delicate creatures and seldom recover from fractures.

What would you like us to do with it? asks Gaius. Or will you take it?

How about you keep it in your room until later, says Letitia. I could do with a nap.

Fine, says Gaius. 

He picks up the knowlesi and inserts it into its tubular frog box.

Wake up, Ludwig! says Katherine. 

She and Ludwig get out of the Toyota.

What's that I see over there? says Wittgenstein.

The camper! says Katherine.

She hurries over, and knocks on the side door.

There are stumbling sounds, one or two Fucks! and some crashings.

The door slides open.

Sweezus appears in his shorts.

Hello, dear, says Katherine. Did I wake you?

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Sorry, says Katherine. I was just a bit surprised to see you. 

We're over the surfing, says Sweezus. Arthur's got heaps of cuts. And we figured we ought to start thinking about Copenhagen.

What about it? asks Katherine.

The Tour, says Sweezus. Team Condor's on the start list. I'm captain.

You boys! says Katherine. You always leave things till the last minute.

Three weeks! says Sweezus That's not the last minute.

Hmm, says Katherine. David and Vello have been practising for months.

They're old guys, says Sweezus. Anyway, we wanted to drop off the camper and borrow the Mazda.

Then you'll have to see Ludwig, says Katherine. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Come up, says Katherine. We've got a room in the residential college. And later on today I'm cooking Baked Emu and Crushed Pumpkin. 

Baked Emu, says Sweezus. You stopped off in Emu Heaven?

I did, says Katherine. The frogs came out with lovely feathers.

Cool, says Sweezus. How'd they go? Did they meet up with any Slender Bleating tree frogs?

They did, says Katherine. We had such a great night. They won the competition, and not only that, we've come back with a knowlesi. 

Whatever that is, says Sweezus. Okay I'll come up.

He goes back into the camper to wake Arthur.

But Arthur is unwakeupable.

Sweezus pulls on a jumper, and follows Katherine into the residential college.

They go up the stairs.

Halfway up, Katherine finds two short blue silicone straws, with no legs in.

If He Had A Gold Pencil

It's raining, on the way back to Toowoomba.

Letitia has turned on the wipers.

It has been a long night.

Wittgenstein and Katherine are in the front, with Letitia.

Gaius sits in the back, with Terence, the frogs and Roo-kai.

Terence is drawing a picture of pants, for the knowlesi.

See, says Terence. Two legs, joined together. Otherwise they're only long socks.

Like these, says the knowlesi.

It flexes its leg casts.

Don't bend them, says Gaius. 

I'm not, says the knowlesi.

You are, says Gaius. It isn't your fault, those silicone straws are quite bendy.

Want us to sit on them? asks Quiet-Tartus.

No thanks, says the knowlesi.

May I have the pencil back, Terence? asks Gaius.

Terence gives him the pencil.

I want to make a a quick sketch of the knowlesi, says Gaius.

He starts making a sketch, using shading to indicate the dark patches on the back of the knowlesi.

The knowlesi watches.

Wouldn't a photo be better? asks the knowlesi.

Perhaps, says Gaius, If you hadn't broken your legs.

They're not broken, says the knowlesi.

Let us hope not, says Gaius. 

When you're better, says Terence, you can join the team.

That's for us to say, says Shorty-Tartus.

The knowlesi cares little. It begins to look sleepy.

 

Gaius goes back to his drawing. He draws a black stripe from the tip of the snout of the knowlesi, running down to its arm, past the eye. He draws the eye, horizontal. The iris is golden in the upper half, in the lower half, brown.

He draws an arrow, pointing to the golden part of the iris. He does not have a golden pencil. But that doesn't matter. He writes the word 'golden'.

The wipers go back and forth: wipe-wup...wipe-wup...wipe-wup.

Hypnotic, says Katherine. She closes her eyes.

Wittgenstein is dozing already.

Gaius releases the pencil, and snores.

Terence takes the pencil and draws socks on the knowlesi.

Letitia drives on, trying to figure out how the night's unfoldings might fit into her thesis. 

Dream Of Black Pants

Don't squeeze it! says Letitia.

Too late!

I didn't mean to, says Terence. It was too slimy.

The knowlesi splats onto the window, and slides slowly down behind the back seat.

koooaarrk! croaks the knowlesi.

At least I haven't killed it, says Terence.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus leap to the rescue.

What happened? asks the knowlesi.

You tell us, says Quiet-Tartus.

There I was, croaking happily, says the knowlesi. Then, a bright light, a tipping, a darkness, a jiggling, and bam! The rest you know. Why are you dressed like ninjas?

Long story, says Shorty-Tartus.

We won these costumes, says Quiet-Tartus.

But not the bottoms, says the knowlesi.

There were no bottoms, says Quiet-Tartus.

You could get some made, says the knowlesi.

That's what we thought, says Shorty-Tartus.

Is the knowlesi all right? asks Letitia. 

No, says the knowlesi. I have bruising and possible fractures.

Come here, says Letitia. She lifts up the knowlesi. 

Gaius shines the torch on its legs.

Letitia moves the legs of the knowlesi this way and that way.

Does that hurt?

Ouch! says the knowlesi.

Only an xray will tell, says Letitia. 

Ouch! ouch! says the knowlesi.

Stop kicking, says Letitia. You're making it worse!

Hold him still, says Katherine.

She takes a blue silicone straw from her inside raincoat pocket.

I always keep one of these handy, says Katherine.

Whatever for? asks Wittgenstein.

Drinks, says Katherine. It's reusable.

Very commendable, says Gaius. Perfect diameter, but in this case, too long.

I'm willing to sacrifice it, says Katherine. Who has a knife?

Me, says Letitia. 

She whips out a Swiss army knife.

Cuts two leg casts for the knowlesi. 

Gaius slides them gently on.

Comfy? asks Gaius.

What do you think? croaks the knowlesi.

They'd make good bottoms, says Shorty-Tartus. Can you get black ones?

Ha ha! laughs Terence.

You frogs don't know much about pants.

Unkind Cement Boy

Before we go, says Letitia, I'll just quickly check a few pipe traps.

I'll come with you, says Katherine. 

Okay, says Letitia. Let's go.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Terence, Roo-kai and the victorious Tarti get into the university Toyota. 

You won! says Terence. And you've got ninja costumes.

Help us put them on, says Quiet-Tartus.

How? asks Terence.

Hold them open, says Shorty-Tartus. We'll work our way inside.

These are only tops, says Terence.

Ninja bottoms would be too long for frogs, says Gaius. 

But theoretically, we could have bottoms made, says Quiet-Tartus.

I suppose so, says Gaius.

The Toyota door opens.

It's Katherine.

Letitia needs a frog box!

Gaius rummages in the back seat amongst the tree pipe trap equipment.

Will this do?

It's a short section of PVC pipe, with a cap at one end. 

Is there a cap, for the other end? There should be one somewhere. Yes, here.

He jams the second cap on and hands it to Katherine.

Here is your frog box. May I ask....?

But Katherine has disappeared into the night with the frog box.

Not strictly a box, says Wittgenstein. Was it?

What is your idea of a box? asks Gaius.

Something with corners, says Wittgenstein. 

What about a hat box? says Gaius. Hat boxes are round.

Of course, says Wittgenstein. I had not thought of a hat box.

Katherine and Letitia arrive with their capture.

You'll never believe it, says Letitia. Look what we found in one of the pipe traps.

She takes the top cap off, and hands Gaius the torch. 

Gaius peers inside, where a small brown mountain frog glistens.

kurrrooak!

I don't think I know this one, says Gaius.

It's a philoria knowlesi! says Letitia. My first one.

Let's see, says Terence. Yuck! It's slimy!

That is unkind, says Roo-kai.

The knowlesi hops to the top of the pipe and looks around the Toyota.

A bunch of uninteresting grown ups.

The cement boy who has been unkind.

And two frogs dressed as ninjas, but without proper bottoms.

The knowlesi hops down to make their acquaintance.

Want me to catch it? asks Gaius.

I'll catch it! says Terence.

He makes a grab at the back legs of the knowlesi.

Yes! he has got it, but it's legs are super slimy.

He squeezes. 

Maybe too hard.

Hard Question Wins

The contest is finished, says Graceful.

Who won? asks Terence.

The winning team is not yet decided, says Graceful. It depends on who won Best Riddle.

Poisonous Mushroom was ingenious, says Wittgenstein.

But not funny, says Katherine.

Helicopter, says Terence.

Thanks, says Quiet-Tarus. Helicopter was mine.

Sticky fly paper, says Gaius. Whose was that one?

Mine, says Wittgenstein. 

You came up with the answer, says Gaius. But who asked the question?

Me, says the first ninja.

Then it seems I vote for you, says Gaius.

Very gracious, says the ninja.

What about mine? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Yours was too hard, says Terence.

What's hard about being a banana? asks Shorty-Tartus.

The question was hard, not the answer, says Terence.

Who cares? says Shorty-Tartus.

I do, says Graceful. I really liked yours. You could have been anything!

Yes, I could have, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Such as.... a carrot, says Gaius.

Shorty had not even thought of a carrot.

Ot a pumpkin, says Katherine, remembering her plans for Baked Emu.

Yes, yes, says Graceful. This is not helping us reach a decision.

May I suggest something? asks Roo-kai.

Go ahead, says Graceful.

Choose a frog to judge the best riddle, says Roo-kai. Either Emerald or Common.

What a great idea! says Graceful. Step forward, Emerald and Common.

Can we both do it? asks Emerald.

If you agree to agree, says Graceful.

It seems that they do.

Emerald and Common withdraw to confer on the issue.

They return after several seconds.

Who am I is the winner, says Emerald. The banana. 

Me? says Shorty-Tartus. 

He can hardly believe it.

Yay! says Terence. Our team is the winner.

Congratulations, says Graceful.

Good comp, say the ninjas.

They pull off their costumes. Would you guys like these?

Sure we would. Thanks! says the Tarti. Would you like our emu feathers?

Would we! say the ninjas.

The costumes and feathers are exchanged.

That was good, says Letitia. Now we ought to head back to Toowoomba.

Yes, says Gaius. I must write up what happened.

Me too, says Letitia.

Most enlightening, says Gaius. Thank you, Graceful. And thank you, Roo-kai.

That was nice. It's good to have your efforts acknowledged.

I Am Not A Potato

Final riddle, says Graceful. You, second Tartus.

The name's Shorty, says Shorty-Tartus.

Shorty-Tartus, sorry, says Graceful. Start your riddle.

Shorty-Tartus is rattled.

Why does he have to go last? 

It didn't help last time.

And how rude is Graceful, forgetting his name?

He decides to make his riddle super-tricky.

Serve them all right if no one can answer. 

Who am I? asks Shorty-Tartus.

We know who you are, says Graceful. What is your riddle?

It's Who am I? says Shorty-Tartus.

A rather open-ended riddle, says Gaius. 

Give us one clue, says Katherine.

Can you fly? asks Terence.

No, says Shorty-Tartus.

Now we're getting somewhere, says Wittgenstein. That rules out all aviation.

It's still hard, says Letitia.

I know, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Do YOU know the answer? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, he does, says Quiet-Tartus.

Let him answer, says Gaius.

He doesn't have to, says Quiet-Tartus. He only takes guesses.

Shorty-Tartus looks grateful.

Quiet-Tartus nods briefly, sensing a victory for the Tarti.

Are you a frog? asks Terence.

We've been through that already, says Quiet-Tartus.

Not with him, says Terence.

I'm not a frog, says Shorty-Tartus.

Can you eat? asks Terence.

Good question! says Roo-kai.

No, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Are you a rock? asks Terence.

No, says Shorty-Tartus.

One of the ninjas jumps in.

Can you be killed?

Shorty-Tartus is stumped for a moment.

Not killed exactly. Squashed maybe.

Then you are piece of fruit, says the ninja.

Close, says Shorty-Tartus.

A vegetable, says the other ninja. 

Less close, says Shorty-Tartus.

Another piece of fruit! says Terence.

Very close, says Shorty-Tartus.

Terence tries to think of a piece of fruit that is very close to another piece of fruit.

It's not easy.

Are you a grape?

No. Do you give up? asks Shorty-Tartus.

One more clue, begs Terence.

I can be peeled but I'm not a potato, says Shorty-Tartus.

We already know you're not a potato, says Wittgenstein. Why bring that in?

Because that's the real riddle, says Shorty-Tartus. I just wanted to make it much harder.

Well, he did a great job.

At last we all know what he is.

A banana!

Eating The Poisonous Mushroom

Who's going next? asks Graceful.

Me, says the second ninja. Imagine you're alone in the jungle, and you've eaten a poisonous mushroom.

That's not a riddle, says Terence.

I've not finished asking, says the second ninja.

No talking! says Graceful.

Meaning me? asks second ninja.

No, you keep going, says Graceful. I like the start of this riddle.

You know there is only one antidote, says second ninja. A female frog secretion. 

Yuck, says Terence. 

Hush!says Graceful.

You enter a clearing, and see a frog on a log. Is it a female? You have no idea. 

Unless you're another frog, says Gaius. Are we to assume you're a human?

In this riddle, yes, says second ninja.

Go and lick it, says Terence.

You are about to, says second ninja, when you hear a croak from behind. On a log sit two frogs and one of them has done the croaking. Therefore you know one of these two is a male. 

Why is it? asks Terence.

Only males croak, says second ninja.

Pretty much true, says Letitia.

You feel faint, says the second ninja. You must lick a female or die.

Exciting, isn't it! says Graceful.

I dont know, says Katherine.  Where is this going?

Conditional probability, says Wittgenstein.

You only have time to go one way or the other, says the second ninja. To the rock or the log. Which way do you go?

Log, says Terence.

Not so fast, says second ninja. First you must calculate your chances.

Fifty-fifty, guesses Katherine.

Only for the one on the rock, says Wittgenstein. Not for the other. Remember you have one extra piece of information.

The croak, saus Gaius. Therefore the ones on the log can't be both female.

Therefore what are the remaining possibilities? asks Wittgenstein.

Too late, says the second ninja. You've died!

Ha ha! laughs Graceful.  That was a very good riddle. Who's next?

Doesn't anyone want to know the answer? asks Wittgenstein.

I do, says Gaius. Is it seventy five?

No, it's sixty seven and a half says Wittgenstein. You see the female-female possibility has been eliminated, leaving male-female, female-male or male-male. Two thirds chance of you licking a female. Of course it goes without saying you must lick both frogs.

Fascinating, says Gaius.  Well done, second ninja. A mind-stretching riddle.

I got it right straight away, says Terence.

You did, actually, says Graceful. But you didn't explain your workings.

I didn't do any workings, says Terence.