Sophistry

The more I thought about what Pliny the Elder had said, the more I became convinced that he was using sophistry.

Pliny, I said, it isn't true our clothes are upside down when we look at them. It's not our clothes that are upside down, but our eyes.

Go on, said Pliny.

You see, if we were to turn around with our head still in the looking-down-at-our-clothes position, and looked into the mirror......yes I realise this would not be easy..... perhaps by crooking our arm and looking through the gap between arm and body, then we would see the clothes on the person in the mirror upside down as well.

I cannot argue with your logic, said Pliny. And the person in the mirror would be you, in that case.

You were easy to convince, Pliny!

I saw you trying it in front of the mirror, just now. It was a convincing proof.

I do enjoy philosophy, I said.

Yes indeed, agreed Pliny. We have acquitted ourselves well. Nor could we be accused of 'digesting without eating' as Iris Murdoch accused her male philosophers of doing.

Why not, Pliny?

Because all of this resulted from the eating of a muffin.

So it did!

If it was a muffin, he added.

Of course it was a muffin, I muttered under my breath.

Without Eating

But soon enough, Iris Murdoch's article arrived, and Belle et Bonne was obliged to show it to the others.

She handed each of them a copy, and they began reading silently.

After a few minutes, The VeloDrone broke the silence.

This was written by the Judi Dench one, wasn't it? he said.

Yes, said Belle et Bonne gloomily. But it's not that bad is it?

No, it's quite good, in parts, said The VeloDrone. What do you think, David?

I don't like this bit, said Le Bon David, and he read aloud: Philosophy! Empty thinking by ignorant conceited men who think they can digest without eating! What is she getting at?

She means male philosophers spend too much of their time going over the same old questions, and forget to enjoy life, said Madam Denis.

Oh does she? said Le Bon David huffily, and he continued reading:

As a young, Kate Winslet sort of woman, I used to write a great deal about good and evil, virtue and morality, and how we should strive to make ourselves better by paying more attention to one another. Oh, I wrote such wonderful things. I wrote novels, too, and my characters embodied my ideas. At this time also, I used to get about on a bicycle. I went on a bicycling holiday in France once, I recall, with a young man, a very young man, so young in fact that for the sake of respectability I was obliged to pretend to be his mother.....

Those were good times. Unfortunately later he found out that I used to work for the SS as a prison guard, and also that I was unable to read.......

Now that I am an older Judi Dench sort of woman, I spend my time trying to weasel my way into the lives of attractive but flawed young women like ..... well, like Kate Winslet, and bind them to me by means of blackmail. But when I am not doing this, I like to get about on a bicycle. Nothing is more conducive to the clarification of rational thought than to ride through the countryside on a beautiful summer's afternoon in a cotton print full-skirted dress, with a basket on the front. Of the bicycle, I mean. The basket being in case I feel inspired to go shopping.

Well, said the VeloDrone. It has a certain charm, but I can't help thinking she's having some sort of identity crisis.

Nonsense! said Madam Denis. It's brilliant! Well done, Iris! And well done, Belle et Bonne!

Correspondence

Of course, it was Belle et Bonne who sat down to write the letter. This is what she wrote:

Dear Iris Murdoch,

No doubt you've heard of our online magazine Velosophy, being a philosopher yourself and also a keen bicyclist. We are currently attempting to modernise, by including more articles by women. We would like to invite you to contribute something. You won't get paid, but you can write whatever you like. What do you say?

Belle et Bonne
for the Editorial Team

She showed it to Madam Denis.

That's fine, said Madam Denis, without looking at it properly.

So Belle et Bonne pressed 'send'.

A few moments later she received a reply in her inbox:

Dear Belle et Bonne,

Thanks for asking me to contribute to Velosophy. No one has asked me to write anything for absolutely ages. Can't understand why. I'll get down to it right away. Put a firecracker among the philosophers !!! Male ones !!! And their Bikes!!!!
Regards, Iris ( the Judi Dench one ). xx

Belle et Bonne was alarmed at this response. She didn't dare show it to Madam Denis.

Instead she wrote back to the Judi Dench Iris:

Dear Iris ( the Judi Dench one)

We really wanted the Kate Winslet one to write something for us. Is that possible? Don't want to seem rude or anything. Sorry xx

She received an instant reply:

Dear Belle et Bonne,

No, it isn't possible. The Kate Winslet one isn't the person you think she is. She is sex mad and not very good at philosophy at all. I'll do it. It will be fine don't worry.
Iris (the Judi Dench one) x

Has Iris replied yet? asked Madam Denis.

Not yet, said Belle et Bonne.

Iris Murdoch

The four platonic friends are hard at work, compiling a list of female philosophers.

Do you know any? Belle et Bonne asked Madam Denis.

Of course. There must be hundreds, answered Madam Denis.

Name one, said Le Bon David.

I'm just about to google a list, said Madam Denis, but since you ask, just off the top of my head, I'm sure you will have heard of .....Iris Murdoch?

Oh, Iris Murdoch, said Le Bon David. I do remember her. Wasn't there a film about her, starring Kate Winslet?

Yes! said the VeloDrone. I remember it! Kate Winslet! A lovely actress, and very talented, he added.

I saw it too, said Belle et Bonne. Didn't Judi Dench play her when she was older?

Yes, it was awfully sad, said Madam Denis. Iris got dementia.

Can we get her to write for us if she's got dementia? asked Le Bon David.

We'll ask the young Iris, said Madam Denis. The Kate Winslet one. And if I remember rightly, didn't she ride a bicycle in the film?

I'm not sure, said The VeloDrone, doubtfully. She rode a bicycle in The Reader. That one where she was a tram conductor, and you discover later that she was a guard at Auschwitz.

That is irrelevant! cried Madam Denis. No wonder you people never get anything done!

Calm down, Marie Louise, said Belle et Bonne. I think she probably rode a bicycle in both films.
After all she went to Oxford, and was an Oxford don. She must have ridden a bicycle.

Right. She will be perfect, said Madam Denis. One of us must write to her immediately.