Presents

They have every one answered worse than another ? What did he mean? I asked.

I'm not sure, said the Geranium.

So what did Alexander say?

He said: Well then, you shall die first for giving such a verdict.

Fair enough, I said. And did he die first?

No, he came up with a smart answer. He said: O king, that cannot be, unless you falsely said
you would put to death first him who answered worst.

Why was that a smart answer? He had answered worst.

No he hadn't. He was the judge. At least I suppose that was why Alexander was pleased with the answer.

He was pleased?

Yes he must have been, because according to Plutarch, he gave all the Gymnosophists presents and sent them away.

Amazing! What a story! But I'm inclined to think Alexander didn't really understand the answer, and rather than admit it, he sent them away.

Me too, agreed the Geranium. And I often wonder what he gave them as presents, he added.

Hey, yes! they were Gymnosophists! What would they have wanted as presents?

Bicycles! said the Geranium.

In those days.....I began.

No, said the Geranium. I'm changing the subject. Look over there!

And it was true. The street was full of men on bicycles. The Tour Down Under was under way.

Goodbye Geranium! I said. It's been a pleasure chatting to you. But now I must leave you and follow the Tour.

The Judgement

Can we hurry this up, I'm interested in Gymnosophist number ten, I said.

No, said the Geranium. Unless you've heard all the questions you won't understand his judgement.

I will, I said. The questions are all the same sort.

Shut up, said the Geranium. Do you want to know the answer to the question on life and death?

No, I said. The answer wasn't death, so it must have been life. Go on with the next one.

The answer, said the Geranium huffily, was that life is the stronger, since it supports so many ills.

Swizz! I said. That has to be the worst answer. Alright, what was number nine?

How long is it good for a man to live? said the Geranium.

Easy, I said. Until death seems the better option.

You got one right! said the Geranium, surprised.

I'm no fool, I said. So now, Alexander asks the tenth and oldest Gymnosophist to judge which of the others has given the worst answer. What does he say?

This is where things become somewhat opaque, said the Geranium.

He says that?

No, he says this: They have every one answered worse than another.

Life or Death?

So, which is older, day or night? I asked.

Well, said the Geranium, the Gymnosophist answered that day was older, by one day.

What kind of an answer was that?

Alexander asked the same thing. What kind of an answer is that? And the Gymnosophist replied: Hard questions have hard answers.

Ooh! And did he get killed?

No, Alexander wasn't the judge.

Who was?

Alexander had chosen the oldest Gymnosophist to be the judge.

Exciting! Hurry up with the story.

Patience, said the Geranium, and went on:

Next, Alexander asked Gymnosophist number six: How can a man be most loved? He answered: If he is most powerful and yet does not inspire fear. Then Alexander asked Gymnosophist number seven: How might one become a god instead of a man? He answered: By doing something which a man cannot do.

What's that?

Alexander didn't ask. He probably realised he would be wasting a question.

Oh yes, what can a man do that a man cannot do? What a silly question. You could, though, couldn't you, Geranium?

What?

Do something a man cannot do, being a plant. Does that make you a god?

I doubt it, I would have to do something a plant cannot do.

You do.

What do I do? Don't distract me..... now where was I? Question number eight. Which is stronger, life or death?

Death, I said, without thinking.

Wrong, said the Geranium. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Alexander and the Geranium

It was obvious the Geranium knew very little about cars.

You don't know much about cars, I said. If you scraped off the bird shit you'd damage the paint.

What do I care? said the Geranium. I am not one for luxury. But I can understand why you don't like bird shit. I don't much like it myself.

Are you a Gymnosopher or not? I asked. You don't care for luxury, yet you don't like birdshit.

I'm a bit of a Gymnosopher, I suppose, said the Geranium. I stand on one foot, I stare at the sun, I don't spit. But I also like a little water now and then.

How reasonable, I said.

I like to think I'm reasonable, said the Geranium. By the way, have you read any Plutarch?

Not lately.

Then you may not know the famous passage in which Alexander the Great asks ten questions of ten Gymnosophists.

I don't. Why does he do it?

He's heard they are wise. He also wants to kill them because they have aided his enemies. So he says he will put to death the first one who gives him an incorrect answer.

Brilliant! What's the first question?

Which are more numerous, the living or the dead? said the Geranium. It's a tricky one. Do you want to know the answer?

No, I said, let me think about it for a minute.

The Potted Gymnosophist

I was out the front cleaning the car yesterday afternoon.

First I needed a bowl of water from the tap in the corner. I was bending down filling the bowl when a car pulled up. An old couple got out. They must have had a doctor's appointment.

What a lovely Gymnosophist you have in that pot, said the old woman. It looks so pretty with the pink and white flowers. She was talking to me.

Yes it is, I replied. But it wouldn't thank you for saying so. It doesn't hold with luxury, or compliments. I didn't look up. I didn't want to spill any water.

I poured some Wash 'n Wax into the bowl and began to wash the car with the giant yellow
sponge. There were big brown blobby bird droppings all over the bonnet. They broke up in the frothy water and drizzled down onto the front bumper.

This isn't how to wash a car, I thought. Why is it that sometimes I know how to do it, and sometimes I don't?

O Gymnosophist! I addressed the potted Gymnosophist under the window. Tell me, what is the proper order of things in the washing of a car?

Are you talking to me? said the Geranium. I'm a GERANIUM! But if you want my opinion I think you should scrape the shit off first.