Chips Won't Eat You

 It's dinner time.

Katherine, Nerida, Gaius and Terence are in the Rocksalt Bar.

Terence places Freddy on the table.

Why did you bring Freddy? asks Gaius.

He was scared a potato would eat him, says Terence.

That is more likely to happen here than in our hotel room, says Gaius.

Freddy, who had up to now been apprehensive, begins to feel scared.

This is nice, says Katherine. A sea view.

Nerida looks at the menu.

Bao buns, says Nerida. I love them.

I'll have the prawn pasta, says Katherine.

Gaius feels like something substantial.

He orders a burger and chips.

What can I have? asks Terence.

A glass of water, says Katherine.

She pours him a glass of water. 

I only like red drinks, says Terence.

Here, says Nerida, have a Red Ripper. 

Can I dunk it? asks Terence.

You can do what you like, says Nerida.

Except bite it, says Katherine.

Terence dunks his Red Ripper.

Katherine's prawn pasta arrives. And Nerida's bao buns. And Gaius's burger and chips.

They start eating.

Terence finishes his pale red water.

Now what? asks Terence. Can I take Freddy to look at the view?

All right, says Katherine.

Terence takes Freddy to the window, to look at the view.

He holds Freddy up, so Freddy can see better. 

Like it? asks Terence.

Freddy doesn't answer.

Don't be scared, says Terence. The only potatoes around here are chips. Chips won't eat you.

Why? asks Freddy.

Terence takes Freddy back to the table to show him the chips that came with Gaius's burger.

Then Freddy will see what he means.

A chip could never eat a whole Freddo.

Look, says Terence.

What are you doing? asks Gaius.

Showing Freddy your chips, says Terence. Where are they?

I've eaten them, says Gaius.

All of them? asks Terence.

No, here's one I missed, says Gaius.

It's a fat one. And still fairly hot.

Oh no!

Freddy's head is so close to the chip that his head softens.

His Y bead falls out.

 

Potato Child

Gaius returns to the hotel with five tents in the back of the 4WD Wagon.

Where's Freddy? asks Terence.

Here, says Gaius, taking Freddy out of his pocket. You will notice a change in his upper regions.

Where are his upper regions? asks Terence.

His head, says Nerida. What happened?

I was advised by someone in the camping shop that the bead could pose a hazard, says Gaius.

What kind of hazard? asks Nerida.

A child could eat it and choke, says Gaius. 

Who? asks Terence.

No one in particular, says Gaius. A putative child. 

Ha ha! A potato child! says Terence.

Don't you have something to tell Freddy, says Katherine.

Yes, says Terence. Come here, Freddy.

Freddy can't move on his own, so Terence comes closer.

Remember what the doctor said? asks Terence.

Why? asks Freddy.

Because if you don't remember I'll have to tell you, says Terence.

Just tell him, says Nerida.

You'll get a headache, says Terence. 

Why? asks Freddy.

Because the doctor said, says Terence. But guess what?

Freddy can't guess.

The letter Y was inside your head, says Terence. And a potato child might eat it. 

Why? aks Freddy. 

And die, says Terence.

Freddy can't argue with that.

And, says Terence, that's why Gaius opened your head up. He loves potatoes.

Freddy thought he knew why Gaius opened his head up.

Not because he loves potatoes.

Or was it?

Dinner time, says Katherine. I vote we go to the Rocksalt Bar. It's near here.

Excellent, says Gaius. I'm feeling quite peckish.

Can Freddy come? asks Terence.

No one is listening, so no one says no.

Freddy is coming. 

He resolves to watch out for unsupervised potatoes.

The Chosen One

Gaius pulls Freddy out of his pocket.

I forgot you were in there, says Gaius.

Why? asks Freddy.

How does one know why one forgets things? says Gaius.

Freddy does not know the answer.

So he remains quiet in his ripped open packet.

He looks up.

Where are they?

A camping shop, and Gaius is next in the queue.  

How may I help you? asks the assistant.

I'm here to pick up five one-person tents which have already been paid for, says Gaius.

Ah yes, says the assistant. Have you got the receipt?

I did have, says Gaius. 

He puts Freddy down on the counter and feels again in his pocket.

Chocolate frog? says the assistant. How come the packet's open?

A long story, says Gaius. This frog's packet was lost. We obtained an empty packet, and tried to force the frog into it, but it became evident that the frog had melted in the meantime, and become wider. However, thanks to a young colleague with artistic talents, it has been reconstructed. Would you guess there's a bead in its head?

No I wouldn't, says the assistant. A friendship bead, is it?

I believe so, says Gaius. How did you know?

The girl who came in with the woman who ordered the tents was wearing friendship bracelets, says the assistant.

So you put two and two together, says Gaius. Well done.

When you've finished nattering, says the person behind Gaius, I'd like some service.

Apologies, says Gaius. I'll be on my way as soon as I pick up the tents.

The assistant goes off to find them. They'll be out the back somewhere.

You want to be careful, says the person behind Gaius.

I beg your pardon? says Gaius. 

A bead in a chocoate frog's head. What if someone tries to eat it?

I hadn't considered it, says Gaius. This frog is not destined to be eaten. It has been chosen.

That's all very well, says the person behind Gaius. But what if a kid sees it and, not knowing any better, eats it and chokes on the bead?

I see your point, says Gaius. I shall act to ensure that won't happen.

He eases Freddy out of the packet.

He rubs Freddy's forehead, until the surface of the bead is exposed. 

Y, says Gaius. Very appropriate. It is typical of Nerida, to think of such things

Freddy thinks so too. 

He has a Y on his forehead and everyone can see it.

He looks forward to camping. The Kroombit frogs will know he's been chosen.

The assistant comes back with the tents.

The Power Of Y

Gaius and Terence go back to the hotel.

Katherine and Nerida are waiting.

Has Arthur been seen by a doctor? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Gaius. He'll be discharged in the morning.

That's great! says Nerida. We can all go to Kroombit Tops together.

Nerida and I have done the shopping, says Katherine. And the tents have been paid for. You can pick them up any time.

Excellent, says Gaius. I'll go and do it. 

Katherine gives him the receipt.

Gaius leaves.

Terence looks into the shopping bags.

Apples, red and green, dry biscuits, spring water, and yay! a red drink in a large plastic bottle.

Cranberry jiuce, says Nerida. And we bought a few treats.

What are they? asks Terence.

Mints, says Nerida, and Red Ripperz.

Have you ever had Red Ripperz? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence. What are they?

Red toffees, says Nerida. We thought you could safely suck them. 

Can Freddy have one? asks Terence.

Of course not, says Katherine. He's a chocolate frog. He can't suck a toffee.

The doctor said he might get a headache, says Terence.

Why? asks Nerida. 

Because of the bead in his head, says Terence.

He won't, says Nerida. Do you want to know why?

Yes, says Terence. 

Well, says Nerida, the bead I chose was a friendship bead with a letter on it, and the letter was Y.

So what? says Terence.

It's the question he's always asking, says Nerida. And it's part of him now

Does he know? asks Katherine.

I guess so, says Nerida. Or maybe he doesn't. I had to work quickly, and then the doctor came in.

He doesn't! says Terence.

We'll tell him, says Katherine, where is he?

Wah! cries Terence. I don't know.

Gaius will have him, says Katherine.

She is right. Gaius does have him. 

He is in a long queue at the camping shop.

He has reached into his pocket. Where did he put that receipt?

What's this? His fingers curl around Freddy.

Having Meant To Be Funny

Katherine and Nerida have gone shopping.

Gaius and Terence have stayed with Arthur.

A doctor comes in.

Hello, I'm Dr. Rainford, says the doctor. Let's have a look at you.

She has a quick look at Arthur.

He looks fine, except for his knees.

I see you've picked off some scabs, says Dr. Rainford.

He always does it, says Terence.

You should use Vaseline, says Dr. Rainford. The scabs slide off easily, without scarring.

I'm afraid it's my fault, says Gaius. They came off when I licked them.

You licked them? says Dr. Rainford.

An old Roman remedy, says Gaius. 

I thought the old Roman remedy was vinegar, says Dr. Rainford.

That is another one, says Gaius. But I didn't have any vinegar so I tried the saliva, even though saliva is generally for snake bites.

It's no antidote, says Dr. Rainford. But saliva does contain a protease inhibitor that helps promote healing.

There you are, says Gaius. We old Romans knew a thing or two.

As we are constantly learning, says Dr. Rainford. 

It Arthur better? asks Terence. We're going camping. I've got my own frog.

Where will you be camping? asks Dr. Rainford.

Kroombit Tops National Park , says Gaius. We'll be looking for Kroombit Tinkers.

Really? says Dr. Rainford. I heard that they're almost extinct.

My frog was almost extinct, says Terence.

He shows her his Freddo.

What's that in his head? asks Dr. Rainford.

A bead, says Terence. Arthur ate some of his head accidentally.

Dear me, says Dr. Rainford. 

He didn't mean to, says Terence.

He may suffer from headaches, says Dr. Rainford.

I don't get headaches, says Arthur.

Not you, says Dr. Rainford. The Freddo.

What will he do if he gets a headache? asks Terence.

There is very little he can do, says Dr. Rainford. But you could try licking him.

She smiles, having meant to be funny.

As for you, Arthur, says Dr Rainford. You'll be discharged in the morning. Good luck with the camping.

She leaves. 

What a knowledgeable doctor, says Gaius.

She hardly looked at me, says Arthur.

Apart from that, says Gaius. 

He Got Wider!

Freddy feels cramped inside his new packet.

No one has answered his question.

The question is WHY?

He will have to think it out for himself.

Firstly, he was inside his own packet, fitting nicely.

His fellow Freddos were all fitting nicely in theirs.

Then .... Rip! Crumple!

His own little packet is ripped open.

He is in Terence's hand and his belly is melting.

That's when it happened! 

He got wider!

Meanwhile outside the packet, Katherine is speaking.

If we put him somewhere cool, he'll solidify, says Katherine.

But did you see how hard it was for Terence to force him into the packet? says Nerida.

Yes, says Katherine. We should reshape him first.

Terence, says Nerida, can you squeeze Freddy out again?

Terence squeezes Freddy's packet, from the bottom.

He won't come out, says Terence.

Give him to me, says Arthur.

NO! you'll eat him, says Terence.

I won't, says Arthur. I've had too much already.

Terence gives Arthur the packet.

Arthur inserts two fingers into the packet, to grasp Freddy's head.

He draws Freddy out of the packet, and gives him to Terence.

He's ruined! cries Terence.

Not necessarily, says Gaius. He'll still be pliable.

Freddy doesn't look good. 

His head has caved in. There is a thin spot where Arthur's fingers have pinched him.

Arthur is licking his fingers.

That was part of his head! says Terence. 

Never mind, says Katherine. At least we've got something to work on. Who's artistic?

I am, kind of, says Nerida.

Then you should be the one who moulds Freddy back into shape, says Katherine.

Make him the same, says Terence.

Okay, says Nerida. Put him down. 

Terence places Freddy on the table with wheels, which Arthur isn't using. 

Nerida works quickly.

She takes a few beads from her pocket.

She chooses one, and presses it into Freddy's head.

Then she smoothes the soft chocolate over.

His head is like new. With a bead inside, which no one can see.

Now she works on his belly.

Pushing in from the sides, then from the bottom.

It still looks a bit lumpy.

She wets her finger in a jug of water, which has been left there for Arthur.

She works the chocolate belly, until it looks right.

Freddy quivers.

He has never before felt so nice.

Forced Into A Packet

A nurse enters, to check on Arthur.

How are we feeling? asks the nurse.

Sticky, says Terence. 

Not you, dear, says the nurse. I meant our patient.

Arthur feels better, but does not say so.

He's eaten a great deal of chocolate, says Katherine. I hope that's all right.

We'll soon see, says the nurse.

She checks his blood pressure, which is normal.

That's good, says the nurse. Normal. 

She goes out of the room.

Do you feel normal? asks Nerida. 

No, says Arthur. 

You look normal, says Gaius. Perhaps it's the chocolate. You did eat a lot.

I didn't, says Terence. I wasn't allowed to. 

Where have you put your chocolate Freddo? asks Katherine.

Nowhere, says Terence. He's still in my hand.

Terence opens his hand

Freddy has finger-dents across his belly.

He's melting, says Nerida. Put him back in his packet.

I lost it, says Terence.

Arthur has packets, says Nerida. 

She picks one up from the floor under Arthur's bed.

Terence forces Freddy into the packet.

Why? asks Freddy.

He keeps asking why, says Terence.

Who does? asks Katherine.

Freddy, says Terence.

Ask HIM why, says Nerida.

Terence peers into the packet.

Why do you keep asking why? asks Terence.

Why? says Freddy.

He said why again, says Terence.

He wants to know why you want to know, says Nerida.

I DON'T want to! says Terence. 

Freddy sighs, or he would do, if not for the finger dents in his belly. 

Why was he chosen?

And why was he forced into this packet, which feels far too tight?